I’M DETERMINED –
I’m gonna figure it out!!
PREVIOUS: What just Happened (Part 3)
Please read / review Parts 1-3 before answering these questions
a. Read all the Qs first & if you feel overwhelmed, leave it overnight. Don’t wait much longer or you’ll lose info. No S-H allowed!!
b. Write down as much or as little as you can – it can never be ‘perfect’. You can skip any that are not relevant or you don’t know about
c. Go back to it later, more than once if need be, to fill in any blanks
d. Make sure you only take responsibility for your side of the street & no more. Both of you contributed something, even indirectly.
➼ DATE & save all entries.
1. What actually happened – list as many facts as you can remember (I did/said… they did/said…) Ask anyone else who may have been there what they remember
2. If relevant, list what was going on with you or what was happening just before the encounter – what state of mind were you in during the previous few days?
3. If there was any anticipation, what were you feeling & thinking before the event? Was there something you wanted? Were looking forward to? Needed from the person or situation?
4. What did you expect would happen on this occasion?
a. Consciously – looking forward to? Afraid of?
b. Semi-consciously – what did you secretly assume or expect?
➼ We can often tell this by intense disappointment!
5. If it was an unexpected & unprovoked encounter (by you), what state were you in at the time? (Vulnerable, needy, generally angry, sad, overwhelmed, in physical pain…)
6. How were you feeling emotionally (E) during the interchange? List as many Es as you can
OR Ask: If I had been feeling something, what might it have been?
7. What were you thinking (T) during the interchange, that you didn’t say? What do you think / conclude, now, that you’ve had time to reflect?
8. What did your WIC ‘hear’ them saying (an implied judgement, accusations, insult….) which also often came from our family?
It may have been hurtful, OR it’s your interpretation of their comments
9. Are you surprised/ shocked by the event? Is it something you could have predicted or anticipated, based on previous experience?
10. Why do you think they triggered you so much?
1. What’s your connection to this person, if any?
2. If you do know them, what has your relationship been like, over all? How do you think about them?
3. Did they act in a familiar way? How, exactly?
4. What did you observe about this other person during the interchange?
5. If you didn’t know them, what information did they give you about themselves – direct or by implication? (people always do!)
6. What did your intuition tell you about their attitude, their state of mind, their abilities, their ego state…no matter how brief? Is it familiar?
REMEMBER: When you know a song well, you only have to hear a few bars hummed to identify it!
7. What did their behavior, emotions & words tell you about who they are (this is about FACTS, not a hatchet job) – Angry, needy, controlling, manipulative…/
8. Who do they remind you of (usually a family member)?
9. What were they actually telling you? This is not a guess. Most people say things with some kind of subtext, altho’ not always unkind
10. What does your gut and head tell you about dealing with them in the future?
1. Looking back, what did I observe about myself in that situation, old or new?
2. What have I realized, that I’d rather not have admitted –
a. about myself
b. about the other person
3. What actions would I like to take, as a result of this interchange?
a. ignore the whole thing
b. let it simmer some more, need time to calm down before saying anything
c. need more time to process it myself. May want to run it by a few trusted people.
d. jump right in & let them know what I think! What are the consequences likely to be?
4. Did I learn anything useful, that I can apply to this or other relationships, in the future?
5. What do I need to work on? Improve? Modify or change?
6. What can I take with we for any future conversations?
7. What do I need to practice saying, over & over, to be better prepared for similar situations?
8. Am I proud of anything, in this situation? Did I act or talk better – more self esteem-able, more from the Healthy Adult? Was I more appropriately restrained?
9. Was there anything I enjoyed about the situation, was amused by, found intriguing, surprised by?
10. What does my IC need to hear from my Loving Inner Parent, when thinking (T) about this event?
(© Donna M Torbico, 2011)
No matter what you uncover, do not let the IC go into S-H, nor let the PP beat you up! This is valuable info for YOUR growth!
NEXT: Noticing Painful events – #1