THEY JUST WANT TO HURT ME
– & I hate everyone!
PREVIOUS: OUR THINKING (#1b)
5 POSTS: Emotional abuse
See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
2. CONCLUSIONS – OUR THINKING (cont)
💦 It’s ALL ME (victim)
🔩 IT’S ALL THEM – Perpetrators
THEY are crazy, mean, unfair, stupid, stupid, stupid!
NOTE : Parts 1 a-b & 2 a-c are about what ACoAs THINK, when having a painful run-in with someone. Depending on the type of Ts (thoughts / beliefs / assumptions / judgements), how we behave tells us which specific but disowned emotions are triggered – anger, paranoia, fear or counter-phobia (between green & pink)
🔻 Being a “Perpetrator” is not always about committing a crime, domestic abuse or sexual assault. It can show up as being a “negative downer, passive-aggressive , withholding ….”, & often comes in the form of “blaming-the victim”, as many of our parents did – which is emotionally assaultive
When telling our parents about being mistreated in the neighborhood, at school, a boyfriend, a boss…. we heard : “So, what did you do?” Their cruelty enraged us, but set the model for becoming a blamer as well
The Co-dependent Triangle – Victim. Perpetrator. Rescuer,
(stay away, or push away or connect by placating)
Every ACoA can switch between them at a moment’s notice – depending on the person or situation, but some live in one role more than the others
🔩 IT’S ALL THEM – crazy, mean, unfair, stupid, stupid, stupid!
⚙️Our Core emotion is ANGER
In the ‘CONCLUSIONS’ category, the opposite reactions to Victim is expressed by the overtly rageful ACoAs. These attack anything & anyone we think have hurt us, whether real or not, because we can’t bear to take any responsibility for our T.E.A.s!
We passionately believe all our troubles are always other people’s fault – no matter how minor or unimportant the situation – & not just occasionally, as everyone sometimes feels, but as a life-pattern
Carl is having a bad week. His computer isn’t working right & he can’t figure it out. He gets an unexpected bill in the mail, & there’s no hot water. He makes it to an interview for a gig but the club owner never shows, & to top it off, someone cuts him off on the way home.
He’s in a rage! He storms around, yelling at anyone who gets in his way. He’s so upset that he drives too fast & almost gets in an accident! “That @%!! incompetent ÂØˆÒÏ! I can’t believe the stupidity! They shouldn’t be allowed to live”…!
•Yes, S— happens – often out of our control, although not every day! But Ragers can’t bear to ever feel powerless, so we use the defense of Blaming all our pain on others. It does not mean we should be blaming ourselves.
This approach to life is just as narcissistic as the Victims’ – “Everything is about me” – just from opposite poles. Both types are convinced we’re the butt of a cosmic joke, the universe is the cause of our suffering, dedicated to preventing us from being happy or getting our most fundamental needs met – to be loved & feel safe.
While the overtly fearful ACoAs believe they have caused every tragedy, the obviously angry ones feel victimized & totally blameless. They step on other people’s feelings & barely notice. They complain, complain, complain – not an a whiney way, but with criticism, cynicism, judgement, & sarcasm.
Their general attitude is:
• Nothing is my fault or responsibility
• Nothing matters but MY needs, opinions & feelings
• Everything & everyone is doing / not doing – something – TO me.
• Everyone (but me) is weak & stupid!
• Every delay, disappointment, flaw, mistake… from others, is disrespectful & a personal affront
EXPs: • You’re always — . You never —-
• Everyone’s so ignorant – I can’t have a decent conversation
• This place is too small. I just can’t stand it
• Look at that ugly dress. How can she show her face?
• What a lousy movie & waste of my time
• This food is awful – send it back! & the waiters are so lazy
• Look at that stupid driver. Get off the road!
• That’s HOW much? That’s outrageous
• Going there was a waste of my money ….
NEXT: CONCLUSIONS – Paranoia (2b)