acoa recovery

Enneagram – Type ‘DEFECTS’ (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

448355-p011_3
AM I WEAK? AM I BAD?
I just want to forget it all!

PREVIOUS: Type Defects, #1

SITE: Enneagram for spiritual transformation – we love & hate it

 

SELF-AWARENESS:  Deep & honest introspection provide AHA! moments, to see the truth about our unhealthy side. We can think back to what we were like in our teens & 20s, when our reactive style was in full bloom.
What was our overall behavior & attitude toward people-places-things? AND – is it how we still deal with life now?  Richard Rohr says a rule of thumb is: “Whoever is not humiliated has not yet found his or her ‘number’!”

😓 “FATAL FLAW”
It’s important to make a distinction between each Type’s perceived Fatal Flaw & the very real acting-out of damage, via ones Passion/Vice.  Everyone wants to see themselves & be seen by others in a certain light. To hold onto our idealized self-image & keep it up in public, we have to completely deny admitting the thing we’re most afraid we are or might be. It’s the specific weakness that would bring us the greatest S-H if revealed – the real OR imagined flaw we take great pains to conceal, sometimes even from ourselves 

⚠️ This ‘flaw’ generates a painful emotion specific to the Enneagram’s 3 sub-divisions: 2, 3, 4s feel Shame / 5, 6, 7s feel Fear / 8, 9, 1s feel Anger (more later).

Also, each Type has a ‘Core Emotion’ (from the 7 Deadly Sins + 2) :
Type #1 = Anger🦯 #2 = Pride 🦯 #4 = Envy 🦯 #5 = Greed 🦯 #7 = Gluttony,
#8 = Lust 🦯 #9 = Sloth 🦯 + Type #6 = Fear  &  #3 = Deceit

Denying our limitations, we often gravitate to people & things not in our best interest or that are outright dangerous.  Each type tries hard to avoid experiencing  :
🔓 2  Insignificance — 3 Failure  — 4 Ordinariness
🔓 5 Ignorance — 6 Irresponsibility —  
7 Emptiness
🔓 8 Weakness — 9 Hostility — 1 Unworthiness

IRONICALLY, none are real defects! They only seem so to the person, while other types will not consider it such a bad thing, & may even find it laughable. All are various expression of being human – realistic limitation common to all. Only the grandiose IDEAL of each type sees it as a personal weakness!

PROJECTING our Passion/Vice 
Because the Gift-turned-Vice makes us see the world through partial & distorted information lenses, each protective style also creates a projection – causing the person to use their own defense against others.
The saying: “If the only tool you have is a hammer, then everything is a nail” implies that we must not use just 1 way of responding to all situations, & that some things are injured by being pounded on, such as delicate emotions.

EXPs:
❖ It’s not OK to: ✦ talk away someone’s emotions (5) ✦ try to make others be perfect (1) ✦ control everything around us (8) ✦ tell a sad or angry person to lighten up (7)….
❖ A healthy #2 is naturally loving & helpful but not intrusive, but
— a wounded #2 is co-dependent, clingy, manipulative, overly-solicitous, 2-faced…. all in the name of being ‘nice’ & not wanting to hurt others.

TRAIT 2-4

TRAITS 8-1

TRAITS 5-7

Ennea-ILLUSIONS (Ginger Lapid-Bogda, PhD)
THAT :
2s – being so focused & intent on others means they themselves actually can do no wrong
3s – doing what they think they want is usually what they think they should want
4s – being so ‘in touch with feelings’ & pondering them with such continual intensity means they’re real (Not)
THAT : 
5s – they don’t know or experience their feeling states (but are actually pure)
6s – by focusing on serious issues & bearing down on a problem with great intensity, confronting it will somehow get it solved or resolved (Not)
7s – they’re forever forced to live with a deep hole inside (but it is ALL inside)
THAT :
8s – they don’t dare let their guard down, or something terrible will happen to them or their loved ones
9s – they’re being consistently kind & nice eliminates all their hidden anger
1s – being so completely self-controlled will give them the satisfaction & joy they want as a reward for being soooo good (Not)

NOTE – Do not be ashamed of your inherent protective style – a necessary part of our psychological makeup. The problem comes from overuse & then rigid adherence.
Once we own it, we can work on healing original wounds, so the defense is progressively less needed – & turned back into the GIFT it was meant to be! Your Type provides parallel discoveries of hidden & rejected positive qualities.

NEXT: Enneagram ‘Defects’ Part 3

Enneagram – Type “DEFECTS” (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

enn weaknessI DON’T WANT TO ADMIT TO
my biggest weak spot!

PREVIOUS: Enneagram Basics (#3)

SITES: Enneagram Videos
•“The Enneagram of Individuality”

• ‘Spiritual Desire & Blocks’
• Karen Horney & the Enneagram

‘DEFECTS’ / Defenses:  In trying to identify our own Type, most people will choose the number that makes us look good & reject the one that indicates our Shadow side. However, the ‘normal’ defense of each number is the most direct indicator of our True Number, so it’s best to start with the list of the 9 Grand Passions. Even though we share a portion of all nine qualities with everyone else, determining our type will depend on the main motivation for our behavior, & the Passion gives us that. 

The PASSIONS/VICES are the characteristic defensive styles each Type is born with to cope with life’s stressors. Each VICE/Passion with its accompanying Fixation – the opposite of the 7 Virtues (+ 2) – can also be called character defects, main Emotional Issues, Mental Habits, defensive styles, used here interchangeably.

Our Enneagram Number tells us who we are (Nature),
along with our basic reactive style (Nurture),
shown by how we habitually react (Es) & what we do (As) – especially when stressed. CHART —>

◆ The Passion is the form of self-protection which we automatically gravitate to, based on our fundamental personality – originally a positive way of Being we can call our gift. This gift is a necessary & effective strategy for our survival as children, used to cope specifically with an unhealthy/unsafe upbringing, & in general with the universal difficulties of growing up.

• For most people the Passion gradually becomes a warped version of our Basic Self, exaggerating & twisting the very quality that is supposed to be our cushion & shield.
Instead, prolonged childhood damage turns the gift into a burden. It becomes a chronic internal preoccupation & counter-productive driving force, putting us in a ‘type trance’, with limited & distorted ways of understanding & dealing with reality.
EXP: The Passion of #1 is Perfection, the emotion is Resentment, & the Mental Fixation is Judging.

Enneatype & Fixations
The Enneatype is the tool for human expression free of longing & searching. It can be described as an imaginary membrane between fixation & freedom, the basic energetic pattern of human potential before it becomes perverted.

Fixation is being stuck in a Freudian psycho-sexual stage of development (oral, anal…), as a result of the child feeling ‘not enough’, incomplete, & therefore separate, not connected. This separated self is a physical/mental contraction which tightens up into the Type’s fixation, creating all inauthentic or unnatural behaviors, driven by desperate longing, & a search for the impossible.   (Fixation CHART)

The Passion develops in a 3-stage process:
a. IDEAL: Karen Horney, in Neurosis and Human Growth says that “gradually & unconsciously we create an idealized image of ourselves, which entails self-glorification, & gives us the much-needed feeling of significance & superiority over others.”  This eventually leads to type-specific character defects.
EXP of Types uncomfortable with the Enneagram:
— 4s, the romantics who don’t want to look at the negative side of others
— 7s, the narcissists who never want to see their own negative side

Enn Ideal Slef

b. LIFE STANCE: Our preoccupation with this self-image prevents us from allowing anything to seep into our awareness which would contradict or negate it. According to Horney, if we only look at the world thru ‘idealized glasses’, then our primary concern is not about what we truly feel, but whether or not we are safe.
To feel safe – from being discovered as imperfect – and be able to stay inside the idealized bubble, we develop strategic but artificial ways to cope with life that override & bury our genuine emotions, wishes & thoughts.

Enn Life-Stance
c. UNDER STRESS: In addition to our ‘regular’ in-authentic mode, when we have to deal with stressful situations, especially in the long-term, our fixation gets darker, turning into the negative Passion/Vice. We act out a twisted version of our self-image, adding to our burden. Over-reacting may be a temporary but characteristic flare-up, or the way we usually deal with people-places-things, even when not directly faced with a problem. Either way it separates us from others instead of drawing us closer together – causing more stress!

Enn Under Stress

NEXT: Ennea “Defects” (Part 2)

Enneagram – BASICS (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

ennea people
I’M SO CONFUSED!
there’s too much to know

PREVIOUS: Ennea Basics (#3)

SITEs: ‘Re. Wings & Arrows’ 
• Enneagram Dimensions  MANY Articles

BOOK : “Are You My Type, Am I Yours?, Relationships Made Easy Through the Enneagram” ~ Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

We can say the Enneagram is:
♦︎ a mirror, reflecting the truth of who we really are
♦︎ a map, guiding us toward growth and liberation
♦︎ a catalyst, speeding our journey of self-knowledge & transcendence.

• Although everyone has some aspects of all 9 numbers, we are each born as one basic type, with the others operating in the background to drawn from throughout our life.
Based on this foundation we then develop a ‘passion / fixation / weakness’ as a reaction to our earliest experiences. This problem attitude governs our outlook & behavior until modified or corrected.

OUTLINE of Enneagram Symbol parts
The information & internal connections between the numbers of the Enneagram are complex & subtle. In addition to the meaning of each Type, there are many other things to look for. 

TRIADS There are several kinds, & this is not a complete list:
✤ Core Centers tells us each group’s main goal. Each has its own intensity, emotional focus & physical center:
2, 3, 4 = Heart & Love-Shame
5, 6, 7 = Head & Fear-Anxiety
8, 9, 1 = Gut & Anger-Rage

✤ Harmonics: 4s, 6s, & 8s are Reactive / 2s, 7s & 9s Have a Positive Outlook / 1s, 3s & 5s focus on Competency

✤ Importance: 1s, 4s & 7s feel Smaller than the world  / 3s, 6s & 9s adjust themselves to the world  /  2s, 5s & 8s feel Bigger than the world
✤ Instinctual Sub-types are how they function best in the world – Social, Self-preservation & Sexual/Intimate, each Type expressing all three in their own way

✤ Object Relations connections: 3s, 6s & 9s Attach (join) / 1s, 4s & 7s Frustrate (are ambivalent) /  2s, 5s & 8s Reject (push against)

✤ Social ‘Movement’ (interaction), instinctive style: 2s, 6s & 7s go Toward others / 4s, 5s, 9s move away from others / 1s, 3s & 8s go against others

ARROWS – The six-pointed figure showed the relationships between the steps in the process
EXP: Step 1 is influenced by steps 4 & 7 via connecting lines. Each Type relates to 2 other numbers, at the opposite end of their connecting lines, usually at the far side of the circle.
— When we’re relaxed, one of these numbers enhances us, as we add some of those positive qualities to our
— When we’re stressed the other weakens us, as we add some of those negative qualities to our native style.

DESIRES & FEARS – Each type is drive to gain their Heart’s desire & to avoid – at all costs – their greatest fear. People living at the lower Psychological Levels are run by their fear & sadly their dysfunction coping mechanisms often increase it. As one moves up to higher levels, the Desire begins to be the stronger motivator for our actions & interactions with others.

LEVELS – each Type will also be expressed in 9 psychological levels, from most damaged to healthiest. While the goal is to improve oneself, the levels do not automatically imply moving upward, and not everyone starts out from the lower 3. Most people live in the middle 3 – the ‘Average’ range – & some are able to function in the top 3.

STRENGTHS & WEAKNESSES – Each Type is most easily defined by their “Passion” or negative defense, & their whole life is built around it. EXP: the 3’s Flaw/ Vice is Deceit, the 9’s is Sloth…. The goal is to grow into our Type’s highest potential, the positive version of your number

WINGS – These are the numbers on each side of every Type & we tend to choose one or the other to modify our own.
EXP: We can be a 1 with a 9 wing (1w9) or a 1 with a 2 wing (1w2)…. Each has a ‘title’ & allows for easier connections to people of that adjacent Type, who they may not otherwise understand or get along with.
EXP: Type 8 (intense, easily angered, dominant) is extremely different from a #7 (lighthearted, rarely serious, irresponsible), so the 8 with a 7 wing (8w7) is lighter, & can can get along with a 7w8 reasonably well since many traits overlap. (WINGS….)

NEXT: Enneagram Intro #4

ENNEAGRAM Basics (Part 1)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

ENNEAGRAM

FINDING OUT MY TYPE
makes me squirm

PREVIOUS: ‘Keep the focus on yourself (#3)”

SITEs:
♦︎ Multidimensional Enneagram Immersion  

♦︎ “The Enneagram, Jung & MBTI”

BOOK: “3 Keys to Self-Understanding” – Pat Wyman, combines the MBTI, Enneagram & Inner Child Work

INTRO
Essentially the Enneagram shows us how we CAN BE, at our best, as well as how we ARE – including our weaknesses. It is a merciful delusion-buster that opens us to the truth of our experience by
the use of radical awareness and compassion

• It is a Map of Wholeness. Its primary purpose is to study the universal Human Soul expressed in each of us, to connect us with what is deeper than our outer persona – legitimate but limited – and toward what does not come from our ego-fixations (weakness to be overcome).

QUOTE: “Always remember that it is your birthright & natural state to be wise and noble, loving and generous, to esteem yourself and others, ➡️
The Wisdom of the Enneagram, Riso & Hudson (p 41)

• It’s a “nature/nurture” system, with both social & genetic components for each Type. They are psychological templates tied to brain development, as well as the influences of our environment, & so can be considered ‘programs’ or life-scripts. They also point to Carl Jung’s 9 psychological processes of consciousness & 9 distinct versions of the his Shadow archetypes, all of which makes the Enneagram a powerful system for self-understanding.

• The 9-point diagram gives us nine different sets of values & filters through which we can view the world, a way of describing inner experience as well as conscious self-image. But it goes enn SYMBOLdeeper, indicating unconscious motivations as the source of thoughts, emotions & actions. It can help people recognize & expand the boxes they’re already in, & ultimately be a way to dissolve those boxes.

• The Enneagram SYMBOL is an ancient form to describe the path of self-development. It can be traced at least as far back as the Greek mathematician Pythagoras (c. 500 BC), improved on by Christian & later Sufi mystics (c. 500-1000 AD).
It was re-introduced in the 20th cent, starting with the Armenian mystic George Gurdjieff (a controlling Type 8), the founder of an influential Inner Work school, who drew from Sufi tradition & focused on sacred dance, using musical notes for each type.

• Then Oscar Ichazo, the South American student of ancient wisdom, formed the Arica School, updating the Enneagram by creating a system of Types using Gurdjieff’s ‘chief feature’ as a starting point. More recent writers, including Claudio Naranjo, Don R. Riso, Russ Hudson & Helen Palmer, have developed the Enneagram further, adding a psychological emphasis to its spiritual base.

The symbol is made up of :
♦︎ A circle, representing the whole experience of life & the container within which we live our lives. It’s used AS:
– a Process, when moving around the circumference
– an Experience, if taken as a whole
– a Point in time. It speaks to the cyclical nature of change – death follows life, life follows death – with its progression through time  (CHART  ↖️ )

♦︎ A triangle, dividing the ‘ONE’ into 3 parts, which introduces things outside  influencing the Process (movement), with internal intentions & connections to each other.
The points touching the circle (9, 3, 6) are where external energies provide the fuel needed to drive any procedure, including needed Change. It represents the universal Law of Three (man-woman-child, Body-Mind-Spirit, the physical-emotional-intellectual body)

♦︎ The Six straight Lines show the relationships between the steps in the Process, which overlap & are coordinated. They are the ‘one’ divided by 7, which equals a repeating fraction is .142857142…,**,  not including the triangle points. ➡️ (Chart) scroll down (ALSO…..in Wikipedia).
** The Enneagram has been associated with the invention of the decimal system.

Placing these decimals around the rim form the 6-line web showing the essential internal movement of the universe, & gives us the direction of our personal growth-work as we move around the outer circumference.
The “missing” 7th line is the point in the center of the circle.

EXP: Step 1 is influenced by steps 4 & 7 via their connecting lines (arrows)

NEXT: Enneagram Basics (Part 2)

“KEEP the FOCUS on YOURSELF” means? (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

Screen Shot 2016-01-17 at 7.11.01 PM
PREVIOUS: KFY (Part 1)

POST:  “Healthy Helping”

 


1. KFY is NOT a justification for our narcissism! (cont.)  Review Part 1

2. KFY may mean FACING the pain that YOU:
• had a traumatic childhood you’re afraid to admit & deal with
• know it’s time to let go of some illusions, but are still hoping
• don’t like yourself very much, altho you’re ‘supposed to’
• feel like your life is way out of control, but don’t know how to fix it
• want to take risks, but sure you’ll make mistakes or be rejected
• think your friends only like you because you do so much for them
THAT you :
• hate your job, but afraid to change, holding on until retirement
• hate salads, even though you eat one every day for lunch
• want a divorce, but are afraid to leave & be alonesad woman
• want to change but don’t know how.
Your life is a mess.

It could also mean YOU’RE:
• depressed, & have been for decades
• exhausted from anxiety, even though it doesn’t seem you’ve done much today
• ‘supposed’ to love parent/ mate/ child/ friend…. but don’t (or not anymore)
• terrified of commitment, but also terribly lonely
• not getting any younger, & have so many regrets……
Adapted from Karen R Koenig

“Keep the Focus on Yourself” requires positive Self-honesty :
It’s about always looking for & admitting OUR motives & emotions that propel our thoughts & actions! (without shame, guilt or S-H).
They may come from the WIC, Bad Parent – OR – UNIT.
So they’re not always negative. We can legitimately have ok motives, (not co-dependent), which must include our own needs & values

WAYS to KFY
a. Mind your own business
KFY is mainly about staying out of other people’s lives (fixing, Rescuing other adults) – no matter how dysfunctional they may be, how much we think we can help them, AND no matter how much we love them.
In almost all cases, they’ve had many opportunities to get the help we think they need, but ignored or blatantly rejected every one. Stay on your side of the fence.

EXP – Unhealthy: A mother is ‘hele-hovering’ over her daughters’ actions & feelings because she feels guilty for the girl’s problems (not mainly from loving her & wanting her best)

b. Be your own Motivator
Make decisions, choices & take actions based on who you are – your needs.
ACoAs, Co-Deps & addicts use other people, substances or circumstances to give us a reason to function – or an excuse to withdraw from life. We work, go, help, risk…. only long as it’s for someone / thing outside of ourself.

However, we DO have many of the skills needed to run our own life! We must use them to take care of ourselves first, before thinking of others.
EXP – Healthy: “I took that difficult course to learn more about my career & improve my performance” (not self-motivationto please my boss or make myself look good)

c. Be Responsible for yourself
Identify our Toxic Beliefs, & work on correcting them, so we can be in charge of ourselves & our actions in the world. We don’t have the right to expect anyone else to do that for us – our whole life can pass by waiting for that.

Even if we find someone who would, it always comes with a high price – being controlled, kept immature, prevented from healing & expressing our potential.
EXP – 1/2 &1/2 : “I wanted that bigger car because it makes me feel important” (not just because my wife liked it)

d. Listen To Your Gut
Trust the True-Self Inner Voice. There’s a difference between being jerked around by our PP or WIC’s emotions & obsessions, steeped in anxiety from obeying and also trying to resist the Toxic Rules -vs- information provided by our Core self

It’s that still small feeling in the center of our body that won’t go away – telling us when somethings right or wrong for us. Trust “I know what I know”. Once we get quiet inside (low anxiety) we can hear it. We’ll be surprised how accurate it can turn out to be
EXP – Healthy : “I stopped being friends with that woman because I kept getting that ‘ICK’ feeling in my gut whenever we talked” (even though we had a lot in common).

NEXT: KFY #3

Being CONFIDENT (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

GENUINE, HEALTHY CONFIDENCE
is an expression of self-esteem

PREVIOUS: Being confident (Part 4)

SITE: ‘Creating Confidence”

QUOTES: “Don’t waste your energy trying to change opinions … Do your thing, and don’t care if they like it.”∼Tina Fey

⭐︎ “A diamond doesn’t start out polished and shining. It once was nothing special, but with enough pressure and time, becomes spectacular” ∼ Solange Nicole

REMINDER: Do NOT let yourself get overwhelmed by this 6-part list. It’s meant to be a guide, qualities to work towards. To look at the cup half full – or more – notice & then acknowledge when you have expressed a little of any one of these in your daily life. Then give yourself a pat on the back, & remind your Inner Child of your progress!

CONFIDENT People (cont)
Screen Shot 2015-10-03 at 10.41.41 PM• stand out in a crowd. They tend to be more successful in life, have better personal relationship & perform better at school or at work

• aren’t afraid to look silly. They don’t mind being seen when they’re not at their best. Occasionally “looking bad” makes them more human & accessible. They don’t try to be 100% a 100% of the time.
They can be unprepared, caught off guard, the butt of a joke, having a bad hair day, or find that the equipment isn’t working for a presentation – without becoming self-conscious or awkward.
They may be able to quietly ‘fix’ the problem, get help or just go with the flow, depending on the circumstance.

☼ Confident people have a good sense of humor, about themselves & life in general, so even if they can’t tell a joke to save their lives, they can appreciate the irony in everyday events. Being genuine & unpretentious encourages other people to laugh with them, not at them

THEY:
• avoid self-promotion. Positive self-assurance permits genuine modesty / humility. They’re not as bothered (as insecure people) if they don’t get all the credit for their ideas or hard work. Braggers are insecure & lack self-respect, who secretly think “Please notice me & tell me I’m special”.

Confident pwith friendseople know what they’re capable of – or not – & their actions speak for them. They enjoy being acknowledged, admired, lauded, respected…. because they’re comfortable with who they are & what they’ve achieved. But they don’t need the glory from others, since true validation is an inside job

• don’t need approval from the whole world. A professional & social network of hundreds, even thousands may have some business advantages, but don’t contribute to self-esteem.
Confident people would rather have the respect & trust of a handful of people they consider important.

Where ever they go or what they try, those who truly matter believe in them & are consistently supportive, whether at home, at work or in public.

• don’t gossip, envy or compare. They can keep confidences (+), & don’t want to participate in rag-fests (-), not having a need to be one-up to anyone. They don’t compare themselves to others, or others to each other. Each person is unique, with their own personality & experiences. Al-Anon says to not “compare & despair”.
They rarely focus on envy or jealousy, (which is intensified by comparisons), because they’re empowered by achieving their own goals. For confident people, what others are or have is ‘none of their business’.

THEY:
• appreciate compliments. Allowing oneself to receive, graciously & with appreciation, is a sign of solid self-esteem. Knowing their abilities & value, they don’t need to minimize or reject expressions of honor & validation from others, freely given. It lets other have the joy of giving, as well.

This self-knowledge also helps distinguish between compliments that are genuine, & those that are manipulative & controlling.
EXP: “Thanks, I really worked hard on that ____. I’m pleased you recognize my efforts.”

• are thankful & don’t complain. They keep in mind all the benefits & blessings they DO have, & work toward what they still lack or desire – if it’s possible. They acknowledge, appreciate AND enjoy what’s available, which generates inner peace.

NEXT: Conficence #6

Being CONFIDENT (Part 4)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

bounce backI KNOW WHO I AM
& it’s OK to not be perfect

PREVIOUS: Being Confident, Part 3

SITE: “Line of confidence” chart, to help businesses & families

QUOTES: “The more you love your decisions, the less you need other to love them too.” Anon
“I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become.” Carl Jung

REMINDER: Do NOT let yourself get overwhelmed by this 6-part list. It’s meant to be a guide, qualities to work towards. Looking at the cup half full – or more – notice & then acknowledge when you have expressed a little of any one of these in your daily life. Then give yourself a pat on the back, & remind your Inner Child of your progress!

CONFIDENT People (cont):
• like to learn, & try new things. They’re eager to find out about a verity of cultures, ideas, locations & ways of doing things. With an open mind, they gather wide knowledge, as well as have strong personal opinions about things that are important to them. They’re genuinely interested in what others think, & listen attentively. They know a lot, but realize there’s always more to learn. Trying new things encourages personal growth & opportunities to connect with otherscareful listening

• listen much more than they speak. One study found that over 80% of confident people don’t talk randomly, nor a great deal. In most cases they’d rather listen, but when it’s their turn, they talk easily & boldly.
While they’re comfortable expressing themselves, they know when to be quiet. Because they’re not driven by deep anxiety, they can let others shine – or be wrong – without jumping in

☼ They’re not shy about sharing their knowledge, but don’t need to show off or preach. They already know what they think, so want to know where others are coming from.

They understand that most people like to talk about themselves, so it’s OK to give others the opportunity. They tend to ask open-ended questions that gives someone a chance to be introspective & to be ‘seen’, such as: “What do you do, how do you do it, what do you like about it, what have you learned from it…. ?”

• are driven to improve themselves. They take the time to be introspective, evaluate their actions, own weaknesses, process any leftover childhood damage, & always look to the future.

They relish searching for & finding out how things work, what they can do to improve themself & their performance – in all area of life – willing to outgrow bad habits that hinder their progress

THEY : 
• are supportive, but don’t interfere. They put other people at ease, giving them honest support & encouragement when called for. They see the positive qualities in others, & let others know what they admire – without jealousy or bitterness – creating long-lasting healthy relationships.
AND, they stay out of people’s way when they can’t be of help or are not needed, instead of having to put their two cents in

• don’t mind making mistakes. They can admit in any circumstance that they don’t have all the answers. Not worried about being wrong, they can graciously accept & admit it when they are. They bounce back from errors, using it as an opportunity to learn about what’s correct or what works best.
Even the most confident people have some insecurities. They’ve learned that life is full of ups & downs, & that feeling insecure may depend on where they are, who they’re with, their health, good or bad events…. but it doesn’t last.

• recognize mistakes & setbacks are learning opportunities. They don’t berate themselves for errors in action or judgment, realizing that every mistake is an opportunity to find out more about their likes & dislikes, who other people are, what’s possible or not in the world. They just figure out ways to be more successful next time. Seeing errors or setbacks in this way shifts ones thinking, creating more confidence (reframing).

NEXT: Confident People (Part 5)

Being CONFIDENT (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

LET’S SEE, I’M A:
boss, parent, extrovert, learner….

PREVIOUS:  Being Confident (#2)

QUOTEs:
“The only person you should try to be better than – is the person you were yesterday” ~Anon
⭐︎“Being comfortable with who you are is the ultimate threat.”∼ Sean Beaudoin

REMINDER: Do NOT let yourself get overwhelmed by this 6-part list. It’s meant to be a guide, qualities to work towards. Acknowledge when you have expressed a little of any one of these in your daily life. Give yourself a pat on the back, & remind your Inner Child of your progress!

CONFIDENT People (cont):
• use positive language. “Up” words reinforce a confident image, talking positively about their life or their environment. In social situations they avoid foisting their problems on others, keeping complaints & criticism to a minimum, since it’s not useful in most relationships.
— When meeting new people they’re not shy about leading with a personal introduction, which underscores respect for themselves, & signals that what they have to say is worth listening to

• stick to their principles. They know what they believe in, & are willing to confidence cyclestand up for those beliefs (silently or out loud), even when in the minority.
They maintain personal integrity by doing what they believe to be correct, whether others encourage or mock them. It’s about doing the right thing for the right reason, even when no one is watching.
SAYING: “If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.”

THEY:
• are ambitious & competitive. It’s one of their main traits, but not used to step on / over others.  They know what they want, easily define their goals, &  persistently work toward them. They love to test their skill & ability to handle demanding situations against the best efforts of others, because they believe they win, even if they ‘lose’.

• use alone-time ‘wisely’. They’re not often lonely when no one is around. They may use free time to process recent events, work on a hobby, do a spiritual practice, converse with their Inner Child,  be in nature, or just enjoy being quiet & peaceful. If they need to hide out or isolate, to recover from an illness or great stressor, they make the time. And it’s temporary.

• are determined & hard-working. They know their goals are their own & are worth pursuing, so they won’t abandon them, even if they have to be delayed or sometimes seem impossible.
They believe it’s better to try & fail, & continue trying, than to give up and let doubt take over. They know the best path to reaching their goals is to put in a sustained effort, no matter how difficult or tiring. Hard-working people are confident, and confident people are hard-working. It’s a chicken-egg thing. But they also know when to rest!

THEY:
• accept change & delay. It is said that “Change is the only constant.” While confident people may not always like the changes they have to deal with, they accept the necessary one (that they have lille or no control over) and do their best to go with the flow. ALSO, they can manage the frustration of waiting for things to unfold, knowing that some things take longer than others. “Delay is OK”

• take responsible risks. They are able to take reasonable / realistic risks because they’re not afraid to lose or to be wrong. While confident in their abilities, they’ve also have learned that nobody wins them all, but they do have a good chance to win some otriskingher time or in a different situation. They’re willing to go the extra mile, but know the difference between a gamble and a risk, so they’re not foolhardy nor act impulsively.

☼ They always try to minimize potential dangers to themselves & others by making informed choices among available options, & consider the pros & cons of possible outcomes. They prepare as much as they can, & then take whatever actions they feel are worth the possible benefit they’re aiming for. Gaining enough benefits in life makes the occasional loss bearable.

NEXT: Confident People (Part 4)

Double BINDS – Resolving (Part 13)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

ruggia0694cBEING THE CAPTAIN OF MY SHIP
is scary but liberating!

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 11)

SITE: “Breaking the DB“

 

REVIEW
Levels: Every person or system has its own built-in self-preservation, & acts to maintain their identity (in unhealthy or healthy ways) – as seen in the family mobile. To do this successfully, the system is able to change at one level (lower) in order to maintain itself an another ‘higher’ level. See DBs, #2.

• However, the same processes that keep a system from dissolving or spiraling out of control can also block, brake, constrain, hinder, inhibit or prevent development & transformation, using BINDS : any repetitive self-preserving pattern which never-the-less is inappropriate or unhelpful, & which the D.Binded person has not been able to change

• The structure of each bind is unique, & can be expressed many ways :
= conceptually – such as the line by Groucho Marx, “I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member”
= metaphors: “I’m trying to run round a track to overtake my ideal self twice, and the more I develop the more the gap widens.”
= non-verbally, as multi-layered conundrums, in indefinitely repeating patterns, as in R.D. Lang’s EXP of the CLASSIC ACoA knot! (in Modelling Bs & DBs)

Resolving DBs in Therapy
As clients become aware of their binding patterns they’re faced with a hard choice : to be forever trapped in them,
OR risk moving into that scariest of places – the Unknown. But as their DBs become clearer, the person may spontaneously reorganize their thinking, which modifies or eliminates their need to DB themselves or others.

PROCESS – See chart
• Name & locate parts of your ideas in metaphoric language. ASK what’s underneath the DB beliefs, using “Being stuck is like …..” statements (in a cave, in mud, chained to a bed…. ) & Because ….. (Negative Benefits)

• Clarify the patterns across ideas / beliefs (the T.E.A.s) AND the relationships between components – what does a. & b. have to do with each other?
• Once identified, the patterns themselves can be labeled, symbolically represented & explored (ankle chains, bugs in the brain, pressure on chest…… burning, drowning, crushed…. )

• Thus the modeling process (gathering all the elements & then subtracting what’s not relevant) continues at a higher, more inclusive level of organization (One Cognitive distortion inside all Toxic Rules)
The combination of components provides a Metaphor Landscape, a context in which a pattern of the patterns – the larger inclusive organization – emerges, providing the requirements for change (LEVELS – all the way up and all the way down …. excellent explanation) “‘Levels’ is a common metaphor for arranging experience. Lower levels are defined by more specific examples of higher levels.”

Note: The “Operational Closure” at each level of this procedure occurs when the various components and their inter-relationships are clear enough so that the whole ‘frame’ is brought into the person’s consciousness.
FULL explanation of Chart ⬇️

Double BINDS – Changing (Part 12)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

I KNOW THERE IS HOPEsmile
if I’m willing to stand firm

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 6b)

SITE: “The Double Bind: The Intimate Tie” (Re. Schizophrenia & Borderline PD)

CHANGING the GAME
1. Mental, Practical – “We learn the rope of life by untying its knots.” Jean Toomer, American poet / novelist (see Parts 8-11)

2. Emotional / Spiritual
LIFE is movement, & all movement has momentum. This means that our reactions & choices create changes in direction – we’re always ‘going toward somewhere’ (Desire), and ‘going away from somewhere’ (Aversion). It’s our normal state.
Anyone not aware of this basic Human Design principle is very vulnerable to manipulation – negative DBs causing stagnation, the opposite of Life.

⚑ Unfortunately, many spiritual teachings associate desire with shame, & aversion with virtue. ‘Followers’ – who consider themselves sooo higher-minded – take great pride in all the things they abhor, while convinced that needing / wanting is a personal flaw or sin. Of course, this is also the way to obey several Toxic Family Rules – which makes is easy for Double Binders to use this distortion to capture their audience – including you. (review “DBs”, Part 1)

⚐ TRANSFORMATION (healing) cannot be forced, but is rather a process, & when or how long it takes is unique to each of us. However, as we know, there are tools available that encourage the shifts we’d like to experience, if we’re persistent.
🤔 For long-term changes we need a clear mind – free of enough repressed & denied emotions – so we can more easily access logical thinking & creativity. That will allow us to actually have choices, & find possible alternatives to the DMs we’ve absorbed

This requires the Receiver R (us) of DMs to have enough S & I, self-esteem & good boundaries – to no longer be overwhelmed by the terror of losing the connection with the S. Some fear is to be expected – so the process requires courage – the ability to take action in the face of anxiety.

☆ One key to resolving D.Binds is to 1st realize they are a lie just like perfectionism or self-hate, & induce the illusioillusion/lien that we’re trapped.
As adults we always have some options other than those forced on us as kids. We can find alternatives, with help, if we’re willing to explore the beliefs & values that hold the illusion in place, based on what we assume is real.

• Many organizations across the world are now providing services that offer support, with practical tools to shape our future. ARTICLE “Let It Go: How to Not let things Bother You”

• Mental, Emotional & Spiritual maturity** allow us to embrace paradox (DBs Part 9), instead of running away, by “passing through the dilemma of irreconcilable double-binds” (no-win). We can only do this if we’re willing to struggle through the various stages of personal growth.

Elizabeth Michaels’ book FACTICITY: A Door to Mental Health & Beyond – offers a sophisticated way of resolving paradox & resistance.
“Facticity is designed to shift the experience of living from either/or conflict to both/and – acceptance & balance. This NLP model includes a collection of techniques providing a framework for experiencing opposite dualities as complementary rather than in opposition.”

**Maturity is how well we :
♛ realistically understand situations in their present-day context
♛ are in touch with our emotions as well as in being in charge of how or when we express them
♛ usually respond from the Adult ego state, with ourself & in dealing with others. (Review posts)
♡ Maturity eliminates Perfectionism!

• A sign of this maturity is living in the middle state which can be called ‘Abiding’ – calmly BE-ing, or NOT-reacting.
Reacting is the endless see-saw between aversion & desire, which causes suffering. (‘DMs, Part 2’)
Firm Abiding is the place of balance between those extremes, but not a denial of needs. It’s similar to “grey-rocking“. It’s a place of peacefulness & assurance – aways a place of our choice.

★ If you have to – or want to – continually deal with a D.Binding control-artist, then being able to stay in Abiding-mode is indeed a personal victory! This is not easy & hard to keep up, but is a fundamental way to outwit DBs.

NEXT: DBs, Part 7b