PREVIOUS : Self-Parenting BOOKS

SITEs: ‘Birth Order Theory : Insight into your personality’
vs.”Birth Order may Not Shape Personality after all”

“The Relationship between Birth Order, Personality & Career choices” ∼ Colleen Collins

POST: Toxic ROLES (#3) scroll to “As an only child”

⚙️ Viennese psychological Alfred Adler (early 1900s) believed social & community aspects of a person’s life were just as important as internal thoughts & emotions. His Birth Order Theory grew out of this perspective – how family environment shaped a child’s beliefs & behavior.

In “Why Firstborns Rule the World & Last Borns Want to Change It” Michael Grose says that “A child’s position in the family impacts their personality, behavior, learning & ultimately, their earning power.”
“Most people have an intuitive knowledge that birth order somehow has an impact on development, but underestimate how far-reaching & significant that impact is.”

There’s quite a divide among researchers about the validity of Birth Oder Impact. Some dismiss it entirely, while others are convinced it plays a crucial role. Researchers at the U of Leipzig & Johannes Gutenberg U (in Germany) studied more than 20,000 adults from the USA, UK & Germany. In this study, they compared siblings within families using the order of their birth.

INFO: The scientists found that older children generally show higher performance on intelligence tests. More than half of all Nobel Prize winners & U.S. presidents were Firsts. However, the study showed no birth-order effects on emotional stability & imagination.

ANOTHER German study reported that “the effect on intellect persisted after controlling for IQ scores, indicating that there is a genuine birth-order effect on ‘brains’ that goes beyond objectively measured intelligence, & can be observed in adults.”

Researchers suggest that the Youngests, like J.S.Bach & Mozart, were 50% more likely to have careers in classical music, possibly for their “sensitive & idealistic personality traits.”
And a study on Onlys concluded they’re more likely to become artists due to their “perfectionist & mature personality traits.”  Different genres & styles.

PARENTS unconsciously feel they better understand the child with the same birth order position as themself (a little narcissism??) – which the child can find annoying. They may also have a soft spot for the child whose birth order matches that of their own favorite sibling.

Adoptees – It will depend on the age of adoption. If adopted as babies, they’re assimilate into the birth order already set in family. EXP: In situations where the parents have tried a long time but haven’t conceived, or lost some, they adopt – so the baby is an Only. Then suddenly the mother does get pregnant & the adoptee becomes a First (Oldest).
If the adoptee is older (not an infant), then they’ll have the birth order of their foster home or previous family.

Culture. EXP: In some traditions, even if a boy is born after 4 girls, he may still be treated as the oldest.

Twins. Most twins get special attention from parents, so experts say birth-order rules don’t automatically apply – but may, especially if fraternal.

Birth order & HEALTH – Studies suggest if you’re the eldest, you’re more likely to have a lower birth weight than your siblings. Later-borns have an increased risk of hospitalization due to avoidable accidents, which could  be due to a lack of parental attention in a large family. Younger siblings may struggle with mental health during puberty & young adulthood, & are more likely to be admitted to hospital for problems related to alcohol abuse.

IN DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES children are slotted into a ROLE, usually by birth-order, sometimes by gender. The main Toxic Roles are Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child & Mascot.

re. ONLY children : If an ACoA was an ONLY who had to deal with adults who were drunk, raging, ranting for hours, uninvolved & distant or just plain missing – the child ended up filling all the Toxic family Roles.
This usually has a long-term effect, such as being the caretaker Hero throughout adulthood. But during a particularly stressful event – these CoAs may cycle thru all 4 Roles in rapid succession.
This can make the child (& later as adult) seem like they’re ‘crazy’, switching from one mode to another, (placating, raging, silent, humorous, withdrawn…. ). But NO – they’re just trying to cope with the impossible – & having to do so way beyond their capacity!

NEXT: Birth Order – Part 2

2022 HAPPY NEW YEAR! to all my readers.

THANK YOU!

NEW Self-Parenting Work Book (2021)

Text COPIED from Amazon.com

PREVIOUS: Growth Goals, #2b

SITE: Narcissistic Personality Disorder Treatment & Management

NOTE: Most mental health conditions are treated with a combination of therapy & medication.
But personality disorders, including NPD, do not respond to medication. If drugs are prescribed, they’re used to treat symptoms of co-occurring disorders such as depression, anxiety, OCD, ADD…

IN-PATIENT THERAPY
While outpatient therapy can be effective as a long-term option, NPD sufferers new to recovery should start treatment in a residential mental health treatment facility. It offers more hope for improvement to anyone who’s finally had the courage to admit having problems they can’t solve on their own.

It’s often said that recovery rates for NPD are low. But inpatient treatment can be effective because sufferers are in a calm, non-judgmental environment where they’re not distracted by outside stressors.
They also receive appropriate treatment for symptoms of any co-occurring emotional, behavioral &/or health conditions, such as substance abuse = 40.6%, anxiety = 40%,  & other mood disorders = 28.6%…..

✳️ ALL therapies for NPD work toward modifying unhealthy thoughts & actions – to replace them with saner, more effective ones. The main differences are in treatment styles.

OUT-PATIENT THERAPIES
🌱 Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
New skills are learned from the therapist in the office. The N will also have homework, to practice the changes between sessions.
Techniques : cognitive restructuring, guided discovery & questioning, journaling, scheduling positive activities & social situation exposure

🌱 Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)
This is a form of CBT with a focus on : distress tolerance, emotion regulation, relationship skills & mindfulness.
It includes individual &/or group sessions where the N can learn & practice new coping strategies. (Mainly for BPD, but also applied to NPD issues)

🌱 Eye movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR therapy )
A step-by-step process divided into 8 distinct phases. Throughout, the therapist directs the N’s eye movements to divert attention from old beliefs & experiences, lessening the impact of traumatic memories & emotional triggers

🌱 Family therapy
Narc behavior severely impacts families, so involving loved ones in the Recovery process can help NPD sufferers learn about & hopefully understand the true effects of their self-centered behavior

🌱 Gestalt therapy
Using Field-theory exercises can help clients see what’s really going on right now, rather than what they assume is happening based only on past experience. Clients are encouraged to re-enact old painful ones, identifying blocks to true self-awareness which cause them distress

🌱 Group Therapy
The goal is to help NPD sufferers lean to treat others in more appropriate ways. It provides an opportunity to see how others experience them, & how their specific behaviors impact others.

🌱 Mentalization-based Therapy (MBT)
This focuses on improving clients’ ability to become internally self-reflective, as well as pay attention to the ideas & emotions of others. They learn about the intent behind other people’s behavior, & work on thinking things through before reacting. Then they may be able to connect emotions with behavior patterns. (Mainly for BPD, but also applied to NPD)

🌱 Meta-cognitive Inter-personal Therapy (MIT)
This is a step-by-step treatment designed to :
‣ dismantle N processes by looking at problems in the N’s own life
‣ see their maladaptive patterns in relationships
‣ lessen old behaviors, & build adaptive ones
The therapist will be looking for barriers to therapy effectiveness, & work to help improve it (Book)

🌱 Ration-Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT)
A practical, action-oriented approach for dealing with emotional, cognitive & behavioral problems, to improve personal growth & psychological wellbeing

🌱 Psychoanalysis (Psychotherapy)
This is the original ‘talk therapy’. In one-on-one sessions, clients explore the reasons behind their emotions & actions. As they start to understand & accept painful past events – present day emotions & actions become clearer, so clients can manage them better, & then change the way they react to current triggers

🌱 Schema therapy
This is a newer approach shown to be beneficial in treating Ns, an integrative approach combining parts of Psychotherapy & CBT. The aim is to help clients identify & understand unhelpful coping mechanisms formed from early childhood experiences.
Once maladaptive schemas are uncovered, clients can learn to modify them

🌱 Transference-focused psychotherapy (TFP)
In this work, clients redirect the N’s desires for -or- intense emotions about another person on to the therapist. This may make it easier to talk things through, as the therapist helps them gain insights.
Clients can identify self-destructive ideas & patterns of interaction – as they come up during a session, rather than only focusing on outside events.

NEXT : Self-Parenting Books

PREVIOUS: N’s Growth GOALS (#2a)

SITE: SCHEMA Therapy  to treat narcissism

10 Stages of Therapy for NPD (cont)
4: Create New Coping Mechanisms
5: Form New Habits

6: Impact on Other People
Most of the time, N-clients can’t seriously consider how they affect other people until they’ve developed better coping strategies. Otherwise it puts a dent in their self-image & they’ll feel too much shame.
If they understand themself better & can form new action-habits  they’ll gradually create a more realistic (normal size) pride.
This lessens the need to be grandiose, increasing the ability to tolerate the idea that : their life may improve if they also considered other people’s needs.
It’s not yet emotional empathy, since they’re still looking at everything through the self-benefit lens.

7: Focus on Childhood Pain
Having gone thru previous stages (back & forth), clients are calmer & their life is generally less frantic. They’ve learned what life’s situations trigger over-reactions in themself, & have developed more productive ways of coping.

As some of their defensive patters against feeling shame lessen, therapy is focused more on painful traumas from the past. If some of it starts to heal, they may develop moments of emotional empathy for their child-self .
This can then become the ability to form a stable, realistic image of themself (Whole Object-Relations), helping them deal also with others more realistically, not splitting them into all-good or all-bad.

8: Update the Inner Voice
To develop emotional empathy for others, NPDs need to have (at least) some compassion for themself. More would be even better.
Typically, people update their apps, cell phones, computers….  but most of us still run our life based on corrupted inner “software” that was programmed into us as a very young child.
The therapist can explain how children automatically internalize their own version of :
– how their caregivers saw them
– their caregivers’ ideas about right & wrong, and
– their beliefs about what thoughts & actions deserve praise or blame.

Everyone can benefit from examining how their Inner Guiding Voice talks to them.  ASK : ➡️
At this level of growth clients start noticing the tone & content of their Inner Voice, & realize that how they speak to themself can be greatly improved.
This requires a willingness to challenge or inhibit the toxic voice. Sometimes all that’s needed is a firm “Stop that!” when the voice is mean & undermining

They can explore what positive self-talk sounds like & how effective it can be. Clients can practice developing & responding internally with various positive statements they’re comfortable with. Naturally, this will take focused awareness, vigilance & many repetitions.

Note: We can tell how harsh someone is toward themself by listening to how they talk to others. Outer harshness is direct proportional to Inner harshness. Blaming & judging others redirects the nasty inner critic —> outward, which may temporarily buy the N some inner quiet, but at other people’s expense.

9: Empathy for Other People
Once the N accepts their pain & gets some control over the negative Introject’s voice, they can start noticing who other people really are. But it’s still mainly from their own point of view. Tentative, fledgling empathy will be based on whether the other person :
— is not currently an emotional threat to the narcissist
— reminds them of themself (narcissistic symbiosis)
— is currently or has been traumatized in similar ways to the N

10: Authenticity
The therapist’s consistent, non-judgmental, compassionate interest in them allows the N’s defenses to become less rigid, improving client-therapist relationship.
Little by little they come to trust that they can be authentic in sessions – because the therapist has seen their ‘worst’ side & nothing terrible happened to either one.

As healing continues, the N can take baby steps forward by trying to be more ‘real’ with others as well. If this works, reliance on the old “false self” defenses lessens —> which leads to becoming more comfortable in their skin —-> to being more spontaneous —> to feeling better overall.

Because therapy with NPDs is complex, involving many stages, it takes a long time – since there’s a lot of ground to cover. Sadly, most don’t want to do all of this work, or just can’t.
However, those who do keep plugging away at the growth-process eventually improve, at least somewhat. How much depends on sticking to it year after year, encouraged by tangible improvements in their life – internally & externally.
(Article based on a Quora post, 6/28/19).

NEXT: Narcissists’ GROWTH Goals (#2c)

PREVIOUS: Growth goals for Ns, #1c

SITES: EMDR for N therapy
🪴 Luke 17:3 Ministries (highly recommended Christian ministry dedicated to ACoNs)

REVIEW: Retreating into narcissism is not an effective strategy for coping with trauma. The underlying lack of self-confidence & damaged self-image are fundamental to narcissism, which remain repressed & denied. This creates an internal split between conscious beliefs & unconscious motivations, causing the suffering & dysfunction to continue.

The CAUSAL hypothesis is that N is based on difficult, damaging early life experiences, either specific traumatic events or the more common “traumas of omission” – where a child is repeatedly denied its needs for attachment & nurturing.

Negative PARENTING includes:

🔻 being overly authoritarian & perfectionist
Being under constant pressure to meet unrealistic standards for performance damages a child’s self-esteem, who may eventually retreat into narcissism. This defense would be used to supports their fragile ego by wrapping it in infallibility & superiority.

🔻inconsistent responses – swinging between neglect or criticism, and then being over-indulgence
Being immersed in such an unpredictable environment will cause confusion & insecurity in a child. To bring clarity, they may put on the cloak of narcissism to create a grand & important self-image

🔻a combination of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
 This can include actions by parents or other adult caregivers, or excessive bullying or teasing by peers. If no therapeutic intervention is provided to deal with the abuse, the victim may adopt narcissistic attitudes to counteract their devastating effects, by helping to suppress traumatic memories
🧍🏽👬 👩‍👦 👨‍👩‍👦
To counter the results of such traumatic upbringing, evidence-based psychotherapy works to provide N-clients the opportunity to absorb the therapist’s positive, caring attitude into themself.
This interaction can lessen the effects of the ‘bad voice’/ Introject, & add some healthier internal psychic structures
POSTS :  📌UNIT = Healthy Adult + Loving Parent
📌 REPLACING the Negative Introject 

10 STAGES of Therapy for Narcissistic Disorder
From: Elinor Greenberg Ph.D. “Understanding Narcissism”
Based on her treating people with NPD for over 40 years.
“This is a condensed look at the process. Recovery therapy will never be this neat or linear. Different forms of therapy for NPD exist (Part 3), & each client will find some will  work better than others.”

1: Symptom Relief or Appeasement
Most NPDs do not go to therapy in order to reflect or change. It’s usually to get relief from unpleasant feelings & symptoms, or to please someone important to them. Most leave as soon as they feel better or the other person is appeased

2: Avoid Future Pain
Some NPDs find therapy more interesting than they expected. If they’re at all capable of self-reflection, they may continue long enough to understand their triggers, & develop a plan that will help to avoid future pain. At this stage it’s still all about them, without any desire to understand or change their effect on other people. On the contrary, it’s only about understanding other people’s impact on themself.

3: Identify their Coping Mechanisms
In this stage the client is being guided to understand & identify their primary defense patterns. It may involve looking at their childhood experiences, & how they learned to cope. This is still fairly easy because, in many cases, it can be explored without the N feeling judged.

4: Create New Coping Mechanisms
Even though the client knows how they act & why, the old N strategies do not simply disappear. When you’re holding on to the edge of a cliff with both hands so you don’t fall, you’re not going to just let go (to grab a life-line) just because someone says your climbing technique is inefficient or painful.
Instead, the client will need to be presented with more constructive & effective ways to meet their needs. With help, they can use some that work & which ones they can handle.

5: Form New Habits
Most N coping mechanisms can be considered as habits that are encoded in the brain through neuronal connections. The basic growth goals are to :
(1) Inhibit the old, automatic narcissistic habits
(2) Substitute new, more desirable behaviors.

If this is repeated hundreds of times, the more useful strategies eventually get encoded into new pathways. The older neuronal connections weaken through lack of use, & better coping strategies become the automatic default.
(MORE in “Neural Darwinism” 1987 ∼ Dr.Gerald Edelman, biologist, 1929-2014)

NEXT : Growth Stages 6-10 (#2b)

PREVIOUS: Growth Goals for Ns (#1b)

FYI : The complete series on narcissism is made up of 70 posts!

Therapy for NPD is a long process
Many NPDs feel defensive about treatment or think it’s unnecessary – that therapy is not worth their time & money. If they do try it, they don[t last.  Because Ns use defenses of denial, distortion, & projection, they believe all their problems come from the outside, so being introspective is not even considered. Thus, they rarely go to individual therapy.

🔷 NPD treatment – Long-term Psychodynamic Psychotherapy is recommended, exploring the relationship between therapist & patient, with a focus on defenses used during sessions.

Talk therapy tries to help the client take responsibility for their inner word & external behavior, such as understanding what triggers their emotions, what drives them to compete, to distrust & belittle others, & despise themself.
✿ BTW : This process may significantly reduce self-harming & emergency room visits, because people with personality disorders (PDs) seem to have higher morbidity & mortality rates than those without.

A study in the UK indicated that –  the life expectancy for PD women is shorter by 19 years, & 18 years for men – than people in the general population. (ARTWORK ➡️ : Panna Parmar)
Increased mortality is explained in part by:
‣ cardiovascular & respiratory diseases
‣ increased incidence of suicide or homicide
‣ long-term smoking, alcohol & drug misuse
&/or
‣ poor quality of medical care either by self-neglect, or by troubled social interactions – typical of all PDs – that negatively effect relationships with health-care professionals, such as mis-communications, antagonism & non-compliance.     (Intro to NPD – slide show)

Issues for Ns to MODIFY or OVERCOME
🎍Arrogance
Problem to correct : their snobbish, disdainful, or patronizing attitude
🎍Entitlement
Problem : assuming they have the right to be to be catered to & treated with ‘honor’ & respect as if it’s their due – just because – without earning it. Then they’re puzzled or furious when it doesn’t happen
🎍Envy of others
Problem : envious (between 2) & jealous (between 3 or more) of others, & react by severely devaluing their positive qualities & contributions

🎍Exploiting others
Problem : taking advantage of others in order to achieve the N’s goals. Friendships or romantic attachments are only formed if the other person seems likely to advance the N’s agenda, or otherwise enhance their self-esteem & reputation

🎍Need for excessive admiration
Problem : the N’s need for endless attention, constant fishing for compliments, going out of their way to get people to admire them.

Actually, their self-esteem is very fragile, being hyper-sensitivity to criticism or defeat, which cause intense feeling of humiliation & worthlessness. Reactions can be isolation or defiant counterattack.

Also WORK ON:
🎍 Associate with ‘ordinary’ people, & accept being their equal
Problem : feeling ‘special’ & unique, believing they can only be understood by, or associated with, other special or high-status people & institutions

🎍 Learn humility
Problem : a grandiose sense of self-importance, while diminishing others. They routinely over-estimate their abilities, exaggerating accomplishments, being boastful & pretentious

🎍 Put aside grandiose fantasies
Problem : preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love. Are obsessed with getting “long overdue” special status, comparing themself favorably with famous or privileged people

🎍 Show respect for other’s emotions & point of view
Problem : ‘sharing’ their own worries or unfair treatment in inappropriate & lengthy detail, while uninterested in others’ opinions or experiences.

Whether obvious or not, they’re emotionally cold. Impatient with anyone else talking about their problems, they’re oblivious to the hurt their insensitive remarks cause.
They see the expression of needs or feelings in others as signs of weakness (& therefore their own superiority).

For ACoAs with N issues, who are willingly committed to personal healing, the work will be to :
✦ Find & acknowledge having legitimate human Needs & Rights
✦ Give up waiting for someone (anyone) else to take care of them
✦ Give up the illusion of Perfectionism & to stop Procrastinating

✦ Increase ability to understand & regulate emotions (dealing with triggers)
✦ Learn how to accept & maintain genuine personal / intimate relationships, & better collaboration with co-workers

✦ Let go of the desire (demand) for unattainable goals & ideal conditions, accepting what’s realistically achievable, & then pursuing that

✦ Recognize & accept their genuine competence & accomplishments, realistic experiences & potential abilities – in order to tolerate external criticism or personal disappointments & failures without ‘collapsing’
✦ Understand & tolerate the impact of things that may dent their self-esteem

NEXT: N-Growth Goals (Part 2a)

PREVIOUS: Growth Goals for Ns, (#1a)

SITE: NPD Treatment

What Type of Narcissist does Well in Therapy?
Because of the explosion of interest in NPD & easy access to information about it on the internet, more people are identifying their narcissism & contacting therapists for help.
Some people with ‘N adaptations’ are better suited to psychotherapy than others. These clients can be considered more ‘self-aware’, & seem to have several characteristics in common. (www.elinorgreenberg.com)

SELF-AWARE Ns
🔸Acknowledge the feelings of others
People with N can develop more realistic empathy IF THEY—
— imagine looking through the eyes of someone they feel is a lot like themself (still self-referent)
— consider how their children will be affected, or how they’re seen by people who value / admire them

🔸Capacity for Self-Reflection
This is the ability to look objectively at one’s own motives & actions.
Self-reflection can be hard for Ns because doing so damages their protective shell of perfection – which keeps them from having to look inside for the source of their problems.
If their illusion of perfection is challenged, they’re capable of lashing out, or becoming trapped in a self-hate spiral.
Only a few Ns out of thousands are desperate enough to be self-reflective.

🔸Desire for Self-Improvement
There’s a subset of Ns who genuinely want to grow, & are willing to do the hard work necessary. These clients believe that change is possible, & can imagine improving themself & their life. As one said: “Once I see that I could do something better, I want to learn how.”

🔸Dual diagnosis
Ns often have mental & physical health issues as well, including anxiety, anorexia nervosa, depression, & substance misuse. These problems can encourage the N to seek therapy. A desire to relieve existing emotional pain & prevent future distress can be strong motivators toward change – which is not a narcissist’s natural desire.

🔸Ego Strength
This is the ability to be emotionally stable & in touch with reality when under internal or external stress.
Being in therapy can be like living in your home while it’s being renovated – a lot of chaos, uncertainty & mess during construction. Therefore a person needs strong internal core (guts), so that when the therapist challenges a deep-set N defense, & their underlying shame hits, the person doesn’t fall apart & stops functioning.

Dismantling the N’s world-view has to be done very slowly & carefully, which is one reason their therapy takes so long. It is also why so many Ns quit before reaching their goals. When necessary, the therapist can temporarily “loan the client their ego strength” to support the client while going through this difficult & delicate process.

🔸High – Low Functioning
Some Ns are able to navigate everyday life without significant difficulty, such as initiating projects & finish them. They graduated school, have a job, a relatively a stable living environment, & are able to make friends.

At the other extreme, if they’re too low functioning (in society & re. self-care), all their energy will be spent on simply surviving. So they’re much less likely to worry about their diagnosis – having to worry about their next meal or the latest eviction notice.

Naturally, there are functioning Ns who manage to look good on the outside, but will always try to handle their symptoms by themself, while still negatively effecting family & colleagues.

🔸High Intelligence
All other things being equal, highly intelligent Ns are more likely to see the big picture & accept that there’s a the difference between their perceptions & reality. As one self-aware N clients said: “Just because it feels real to me, doesn’t mean it IS real.”

🔸Motivated
….. if there’s something going on in their life they don’t like, & want to change. It could be that their second marriage is failing or that they didn’t get the promotion they worked for – again.
But for many Ns, as long as everything seems to be working for them, they’re not going to bother researching their diagnosis or going for help.

🔸Psychologically Minded
The Ns who do best in therapy have an innate interest & curiosity in why people think & act as they do. They read self-help books & blogs, go to 12 step-Programs & talk to friends about their feelings. So they’re much more likely to stick with long-term therapy because they enjoy the process of self-discovery.

NEXT : Growth GOALS (#1c)

PREVIOUS: Recovery from Narc Abuse, #2

SITE : :How to Develop Empathy for Someone Who Annoys You”

NPD Treatment
There is no cure for NPD, but talk therapy can teach these clients to modify the most self-defeating behaviors, to ‘understand’ their emotions & actions, & have more realistic expectations of others . But the fundamental structure of their dysfunction does not change.

«
NEXT: Overt Ns – themselves (#1)

PREVIOUS : 60 Healthy Responses  / LIST ⬆️

HEALING
Recovery looks different for everyone. It may take weeks of no-contact for you to feel relief. For those who need to be in some amount of necessary  communication with the main N – your ability to hold boundaries will affect your ability to ‘heal & grow”.
Also, notice the other Ns in your life, as there likely were one or more around before you met your N partner. Similar boundaries must apply to them too.

🔅Acknowledge & accept the reality of the abuse
🔅 Be compassionate to yourself for what you’ve been through
🔅 Prepare to experience Intense & complex emotions, & that they’ll last, since we can’t always stop loving someone who hurt us
🔅 Good self-care practices can make a big difference to your recovery, which involves meeting PMES needs (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual). It also includes getting the right kind of support & help.

Things to say to a pushy abuser :
“I’m very busy. Let’s talk some other time” (Then go)
“NO.”  (Don’t lie, but don’t explain or justify!)
“I need you to take a step back”
“My heart bleeds for you” / “Sorry you feel that way”
“That is not acceptable” / “STOP THAT”
“Don’t talk to me.” / “Not interested”

RECOVERING your Self
1a. Don’t take their bait
Avoid engaging. Try your best to not give the emotional response they’re craving (rage, tears….). Stay in your Adult power by being calm, & only speaking logic, using facts.
Find smart ways to stay away as much as possible, or limit the time spent around them, including special events.
Be warned: They’re likely to be angry when you pull away – since you won’t be as available to be pushed around.

1b. Don’t accidentally offer bait
🕸 Always be selective in what you share with a N – so they can’t use it against you – which they will, given the opportunity. And you can’t predict when.
🕸 Don’t give too many personal details or emotional statements that will trigger their hostile reactions  

2. Clearly communicate needs & boundaries
Take some quiet time to figure out what you will & won’t accept from your N. Write them down. Be very specific when telling them your boundaries, giving practical examples. Make declarative statement – don’t hope they’ll intuit what you want.

Hand it to them in writing so there’s no denying what you’re asking for.
Print it out & post a copy somewhere so everyone (in the family) can be reminded. This prevents items being ignored or twisted (“I didn’t Know!”)

It’s also for your benefit – to keep you strong & on track. Read them often & stick to your guns as much as possible! NOTHING will be perfect, so don’t give up. “It gets worse, then it gets better, then it gets different.” AA quote

PS. No one can set boundaries until they know what their needs are. Look them up, copy & memorize.

3. Prepare an IF / WHEN list
Take more quiet time to write down every annoying, frustrating, mean, stupid thing the N might do or say. You can reasonably predict this, based on lots of experience. 

Make 2-3 different columns, by degree of intensity, of their persistently bad behaviors – from least aggravating to most, to see which ones are hardest for you to deal with.
Then, still calm & in your Adult ego state – list how you plan to verbally respond, practically manage, or ignore.
“If they do/say ________ then I will do/say_____________.”

4. Believe in your RIGHTS
Find out what they are – print out & memorize lists.  Constantly making yourself wrong (self-hate) & not standing up for yourself as a valuable human being –diminishes your humanity & eventually the will to live.  KNOW that you have a right to be treated with resect – so you can stop apologizing!

5. Accept that you can not change them
You’ll be a lot less surprised & frustrated – not taking things as personally or as hard.
This does NOT mean accepting & tolerating the N’s terrible treatment.
But it’s imperative to know & believe that no one (that means you too) has the power to change someone’s deep-seated personality disorder, like NPD.
“Don’t let toxic people rent space in your head. Raise the rent – & then kick them out!”

NEXT: Narc Growth Goals (#1a)

«
PREVIOUS: Recovering from N abuse, STAGES

BOOK : Powerful Questions for Healing after Narc Abuse –
and 50+ Journal Prompts: N-Abuse Recovery Guided Workbook

✳️ There’s no way around grief. Processing the reality of a relationship with a narcissistic parent or partner involves grieving your losses.
As a partner, you grieve
– the person you fell in love with & thought you knew
– the promise of love you never got
– the time you spent hoping for something that never came
– the trust & intimacy that could never be.

Mourning those losses is deeply painful, and takes time.
«

Anger stages
1. At first, your anger will be directed at your abuser. It’s appropriate, but isn’t cleansing & may feel like being caught in a whirlpool – trapped & hopeless because there is no way to get fairness or justice.

2. Eventually, you will feel a different kind of anger – coming from an inside voice ready to protect you, to fight for your new life, to get your soul back & never let anyone mess with you ever again.

3. As you gradually release your anger, (in therapy, on paper, in AL-Anon, ACA, CODA, in prayer)…. you’ll have moments of hysterical laughter at the absolute absurdity of some of the Ns behaviors, who doesn’t deserve you wasting even one of your brain cells on a single thought about them. (Posts : Anger / Co-dep anger in us / Anger Triggers / Anger & Co-dependence )

You’ll also see the absurdity of your own behavior, – all the times you’ve tried to say or do something you hoped would stop what can never be stopped – their sickness. You will forgive & laugh at yourself.  You’ll know you’re healing when you start to feel safer & more at ease.
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❣️ You can heal. Along with our capacity for suffering is a corresponding capacity for mending a broken spirit. Healing happens as we recognize the larger patterns at work in our lives, overcome denial, understand the reality of narcissism, & move through Grief Stages to a safer, easier state of being.

NEXT : Narc RECOVERY (#2)