coaching

Negative ReACTions to Painful Events (Fear)

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hiding 

I’M GONNA HIDE –
no, I’m gonna fix ‘em, or I could convince them…

PREVIOUS: Negative ReACTions to Events – intro

See post : “Fear is the Absence of Love”

 

 

3. ACTIONS (cont)
a. FEARFUL reactions to painful events
No matter what our reaction-style is, most of our fear is housed in the WIC ego state, accumulated in childhood & not yet cleaned out. So when an ‘Event’ touches that deep well of pain, we regress to our younger self

💧 Be Mute – probably the most common for ACoAs.  When we’re too scared, the thinking part of the brain (frontal cortex) shuts down, temporarily.  When the perceived danger is passed, the ‘computer’ lights up again. That’s why we only think of what to say AFTER the event – when it may be too late to respond.

— When possible, it’s perfectly ok to go back to someone later to ask what they meant, or to stand up for ourselves – but we rarely do.  Instead, we just obsess about what we ‘should’ have said & hate ourselves for being ‘weak’.withdraw

💧Isolate – this is more than just withdrawing from a particular person or place. It’s about hiding out like a wounded creature does, to lick its wounds. We’ve been abused for so long – first at home & then by others family, mates, bosses…. that damaged ACoAs aren’t as self-repairing as many animals.
Bad combination: weak boundaries, a lot of S-H, CDs & depression – make us stay in our cave & never want to come out.  If we dare to, & then someone steps on our toes – again – we scuttle back in to hide for another decade or so!

💧Justify / Over-explain – 2nd favorite reaction to being attacked OR caught in a mistake – which no one wants to hear!
The Event triggers so much S-H & anxiety, that the WIC has to convince the other person THAT:
— we’re not so bad, they got it all wrong, we couldn’t help it, what we really meant was….
So we go on & on, making a fool of ourselves! This is NOT the same as our Adult part being assertive by correcting a misunderstanding or stopping an abuse.

💧PeopScreen Shot 2016-06-19 at 7.55.22 AMle-Please – many ACoAs are profoundly co-dependent – depending on others to give us an identity.  So:
— if someone is distant, self-centered or angry at us – we think it’s proof that we’re bad!
We’ll do anything to win them over.
AND
— if they seem to like us, we’ll do anything to keep them from changing their mind (even though we don’t believe anyone can really like us)

EXP:  Jose had a habit of being verbally abusive whenever he felt hurt. Skyia finally broke up with him after he threatened to beat her up for going to school in another state & leaving him behind.
Then he kept calling & texting, alternately begging her to come back or blaming her for making him so depressed that he landed in the hospital! She hated the disgusting names he called her, but felt so guilty for doing what she needed to, that she sent him $1,000!

Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 7.50.00 AMReminder: Many ACoAs have some form of anxiety disorder (intense undifferentiated fear), as a result of natural sensitivity PLUS being survivors of incest, physical abuse, emotional torture & neglect….
making it hard to cope under pressure or be around people who are impatient &/or demanding.
SO – we need to be extra gentle with ourselves, yet never give up!

💧Withdraw – we’re so hurt by a person or situation that all we can do is pull away – permanently – instead of speaking up for ourselves. The stressor may have been caused by a boss, a teacher, a friend….
—> This response would be appropriate if the choice was made by the Adult part of us, as a self-caring decision to stay away from bad places/ people.
But for many ACoAs, the WIC is in charge, only focused on distancing to not get re-wounded, by putting up a thick wall, while still carrying resentment & anxiety because the conflict never gets cleared up.

NEXT: Negative ReACTions (Anger)

Negative ReACTions to Painful Events (Intro)

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confused man  

IT TOO HARD TO BE IN THE WORLD –
Should I hide or attack?

PREVIOUS: EMOTIONS re. Events #2

REVIEW previous posts

 

3. ACTIONS re. painful Events (blue oval)
It’s inevitable that we’ll take some type of ‘action’ in response to a stressful EVENT.  What kind will depend on our native personality & the specific CONCLUSIONS we draw about it.

• ACoAs are not readily aware of our thoughts (beliefs) or emotion. So, when triggered, we just re-act. It can happen so fast that it seems we have no control of our behavior, which may be verbal &/or physical, driven either by terror or rage.

• It’s normal for humans to be angry when hurt, frustrated or scared. Anger is simply the psychic energy needed to prepare for action, & is a fitting response to harmful situations.
Anger & Fear are on opposite sides of Plutchik’s  Emotion Wheel. To heal, fearful ACoAs need to connect with their anger, &  those steeped in rage need to get in touch with the fear & sadness underneath.  The key is Balance.
🥶
FEAR-driven Actions / non-actions
• COVERT: ACoAs trained to not be angry are afraid to feel it now –  crippled by that suppression! Without healthy anger we’re depressed, feel stuck, AND can’t stop others from mistreating us

🌪 Fear EXP : Unhealed use of the 3 Circles 
EVENT (condition): Unrecovered ACoA Shakeera is dating a complicated young man – sometimes thoughtful, smart & sensitive, other times self-pitying & whiny. When he’s depressed & needy he threatens suicide, can’t look for work & lives off of Shakeera’s income.
Her Emotions: panic, compassion, pity, love, disgust, rage

 + CONCLUSIONS (thoughts) – When he’s in a good space, Shakeera thinks he’s the best, ever!  When he’s very down, her co-dependence kicks in :
“I have to fix this mess / I know how to help him – I’ll tell him all the ways he can get his life together / He just has to be ok, I can’t stand this / I feel humiliated being with such a looser”….

= ACTIONS: Shakeera alternately bullies him to ‘get it together’, gives him endless advice, tells him what he did wrong OR listens for hours to his self-hate & joins him in a depressed stupor
• He doesn’t change & she gets more frustrated. None of her actions help either of them!  Her FoA (FEAR of abandonment) keeps her trying to cure him – so she doesn’t have to leave!
😡
ANGER-driven Actions
Our behavior can tell us which ego state is in charge at the moment & how healed or unhealed a particular button is.  How we act out our rage may be —
— the same way our parents reacted to stress, or
— how we were allowed to behave as kids, or
— how we’d have liked to react, back then, but knew it was too Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 7.40.57 AMdangerous to do so

• OVERT: some ACoAs react with hostility too readily, when the WIC feels abandoned. We get nasty & more controlling, or unfairly cut someone off. This can hurts us just as much as the other person, since rage pushes others away & we’re already feeling unwanted & unloved!

▶ BUT, don’t let the self-help gurus tell you not to FEEL angry!  ACoAs have a lot of it pent-up from childhood abuse (plus bad adult experiences) which needs to be gotten out of our system – appropriately. What’s important to our Recovery is how we ACT.

💥 Anger EXP : Unhealed use of the 3 Circles 
EVENT: Sal hates being bothered by people in public places. One night he gets on an almost empty bus, on his way home from work. A smelly bag-lady gets on at the next stop, looks around & sits down right next to Sal!
His Emotions: revulsion, anger, frustration, superiority

+ CONCLUSIONS (thoughts) – “Why does this always have to happen to me?! There are 20 other seats she could have picked! Why ME?? Why do I attract the crazies? Me, only me!” (CDs: ‘Personalization, Egocentric & Can’t Stand It’)

= ACTIONS: Sal starts yelling at the woman & gets off the bus at the next stop. He keeps talking about the incident, repeating it over & over the next day to everyone he can corner
• He’s taken this personally, feeling like a victim, trying to get validation & sympathy. The woman could have either been lonely &/or wanted to bum some change.  It was never about him!

NEXT: Negative  reACTions (Fear)

ACoA EMOTIONS re. Painful Events (Part 1)

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  notice feelingsI DON’T WANNA FEEL!
besides, I’m not supposed to

PREVIOUS: CONCLUSIONS re. painful Events (2c)

 

Q: So – what’s being ignored in this CHART’s equation ⬇️ ? (E + C = A):  ANS: our EMOTIONS! 


Each EVENT (green oval) that upsets us generates several emotions. We can
• be very upset (anxiety or rage) without ‘hearing’ the thoughts behind it (pink circle), OR
• only have ‘squirl-in-a-cage’ mentality (pink) without connecting it to emotions underneath (blank), and
• often not even connect our reaction to an Event (green) that set off the obsession!

Even though something or someone has hurt us, we minimize or deny it. We may not be clear what emotions come up because of a stressful Event, but we certainly don’t want to focus on them. Think T.Cause & EffectE.A. Without doing FoO & emotion-release work, we act out** those Es by:
🌀 constantly complaining, dissociating, districting ourselves, endless worry, (T), forgetting an important appointment (A), getting sick, verbally attacking someone / anyone (T), or just being paralyzed

** ACTing OUT : compulsive behavior (A) (action or non-action) which expresses emotions not consciously experienced at the time

ACoAs were taught from infancy to negate or suppress our Es, especially any that weren’t acceptable in our original home.
⚒ for some – anger/ rage was the norm
⚒ for others – only being emotionally UP was allowed! And,
⚒ for many – having no emotions was the absolute rule – “DON’T FEEL”

So, what Emotions should we be aware of, when something affects us?
If the WIC is the one reacting to an Event, we’re likely to feel the same ones we had as kids – only more intensely, because of accumulation. That’s ok – it gives us important info about our past

What’s important is allowing ourselves to have the feeling, understand what button is being triggered, comfort the WIC, AND practice healthier ways to behave that will benefit us

Re. NEGATIVE THINKING (Parts 1a-b and 2 a-c)
ACoAs are not usually in touch with what’s hiding behind the screen of negative self-talk (pink circle). These underlying emotions (Es) fit into the space between ‘Event’ & ‘Conclusion’ on the chart.

They remain invisible to the person in the grip of a regression – which is when we’re automatically thrown back into our traumatic past, as if we’re still a powerless child in a scary family

Being regressed in the present means the Event touched a hot button of damage that’s still raw.  So when anything or anyone bumps up against a particular wound formed back then, we react with intense anxiety or rage, such as when we’re being:
• ignored, not responded to right away, waiting too long
• accused wrongly – of anything
• stood up, or being let down (we take people too literally!)
• controlled (told what to do)….

EXP: If you’re walking around with a physical sore that’s very painful but not visible, and someone accidentally pushes hard against you in rush hour, aggravating the ache, how do you react?
ACoAs will typically – go into a rage at the person and the whole world, OR apologize to them, OR feel sorry for ourselves, sulk & wonder why this is happening to me!

• The same kind of intensity to certain Events are emotional over-reactions (“If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”). We really hate to be told this, because it sounds like our experience & pain is being negated – just like at home!  This is NOT what is meant.
❥ We can tell the difference by checking our level of awareness when an unwounded part of us is bumped into – we barely notice, or we don’t mind, or just don’t care

• Yes, unpleasant encounters do cause us pain, but it’s often out of proportion to the situation. Any intense reaction to normal, imperfect human situations (not pleasant BUT not really awful) comes from our Wounded Inner Child —
who is not actually living in ‘present time’, has unhealed emotional wounds, is still taking things personally, feels unloved & unprotected – at least about that particular issue.

NEXT: ‘ReACTing Negatively to Events’

ACoA CONCLUSIONS re. Painful Events (Part 2b)

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defended 

NOTHING SCARES ME! 
as long as I’m defended

PREVIOUS: Conclusions (#2a)

 

2. CONCLUSIONS – OUR THINKING (cont)
🔩 IT’S ALL THEM a. PERPETRATORS
b. PARANOIA
◀️ One negative approach (Ts) combines Fear & Anger.
MANY ACoAs have at least some tendency to be paranoid. Just as we have a PP camera over our shoulder always judging ourselves, we also constantly scan the whole world for danger (mostly unconscious), assuming everyone’s a potential monster – ie. everyone will definitely abandon / harm us sooner or later!

We apply this ‘rule’ even to situations that are neutral or not about us. True paranoids (PPD) see danger everywhere, where there’s none at all, whereas most ACoAs with a touch of it can still correctly identify reality – it’s just that our CONCLUSIONS are likely to be off – but not always

• Paranoia, even in relatively mild form, comes from legitimately being traumatized (in danger) much of the time growing up. That’s not being crazy or just our ‘perception’, because unfortunately most of the danger really did come from our own family!  It has left us constantly terrified, but it’s hard to admit how deeply vulnerable we still feel

• If our family was unsafe, how much more so are strangers?  With such a background & our symbiotic attachment to our parents, we project that original danger onto the whole world, regardless of present reality.

The awful irony is that while we believe we’re trying to sidestep all the hidden landmines we assume are in our world, paranoia mainly draws us to those people, places & things (PPT) —
— which actually are harmful
— those we experience as harmful, or
— those we projedrunk angerct danger onto, that are safe or neutral.
This compulsion reproduces & adds to the original fear & abandonment we so desperately want to avoid!

• ALSO – we automatically reject genuinely neutral or beneficial people & opportunities! Yes – deliberately, because we’re not only repeating what’s familiar, we’re also looking to validate the ‘rightness’ of our family, so we don’t have to face the pain of who they really were, & still are.

Twisted thinking about anything POSITIVE says :
• don’t even register them: “What compliment? I didn’t notice” …
• it can’t possibly last, so why bother believing it
• it’ll be taken away, anyway, & then I’ll feel even worse than before
• it was just a fluke, an accident, a coincidence
• people don’t really mean the nice thing they say – they’re just being polite
• they’re only saying that because they wants something

Distorted THINKING cancels out the very things around us that would nurture & heal us, if we were to let them in!   Some CDs that paranoia uses : ‘Awful-izing, Jumping to Conclusions, Maximizing, Mind Reading, Unrealistic Comparisons

▶ Another negative approach (Ts) ignores Fear
c. COUNTER-PHOBIA (“against fear”):  At the other extreme, sScreen Shot 2015-07-20 at 1.44.53 AMome ACoAs have hidden our childhood terror behind a defensive wall of brains & bravado. It’s become so dense that we don’t know there’s a WIC hiding back it, who’s still afraid for its life.
This group of ACoAs were subjected to the same chaos, cruelty & neglect in childhood as Paranoids & Victims, but our native personality found a different way to survive.  Even though we don’t stop to think about what we’re doing – that would be too painful – underneath are all the same core issues

✶ Counter-phobia is driven by so much terror & rage which never found an outlet that we became insured to danger. We thumb our noses at everything in the world that might ‘get us’.  We couldn’t protect ourselves as kids but now we’re determined to slay & triumph, not just passively accept

• We pushed the anxiety so far down that we’ve become the complete opposite. NOW nothing scares us!  We joyfully chase all that’s unpredictable & treacherous, calling it exciting.  We’ve become addicted to the adrenalin.  When something does bother a counter-phobic – we stuff it, laugh it off, stay very busy – & find new ways to keep the drama going. ACoA Laundry List : “We’re addicted to excitement” .

NEXT: COUNTER-PHOBIA cont. (Part 2c)

ACoA CONCLUSIONS re. Painful Events (Part 2a)

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THEY JUST WANT TO HURT ME
– & I hate everyone!

PREVIOUS: OUR THINKING (#1b)

5 POSTS: Emotional abuse

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


2. CONCLUSIONS – OUR THINKING (cont)
💦 It’s ALL ME (victim)

🔩 IT’S ALL THEM – Perpetrators
THEY are crazy, mean, unfair, stupid, stupid, stupid!

NOTE : Parts 1 a-b & 2 a-c are about what ACoAs THINK, when having a painful run-in with someone. Depending on the type of Ts (thoughts / beliefs / assumptions / judgements), how we behave tells us which specific but disowned emotions are triggered – anger, paranoia, fear or counter-phobia (between green & pink)

🔻 Being a “Perpetrator” is not always about committing a crime, domestic abuse or sexual assault. It can show up as being a “negative downer, passive-aggressive , withholding ….”, & often comes in the form of “blaming-the victim”, as many of othinling re eventsur parents did – which is emotionally assaultive

When telling our parents about being mistreated in the neighborhood, at school, a boyfriend, a boss…. we heard : “So, what did you do?” Their cruelty enraged us, but set the model for becoming a blamer as well

The Co-dependent Triangle – Victim. Perpetrator. Rescuer,
(stay away, or push away or connect by placating)
Every ACoA can switch between them at a moment’s notice – depending on the person or situation, but some live in one role more than the others

🔩 IT’S ALL THEM – crazy, mean, unfair, stupid, stupid, stupid!
⚙️Our Core emotion is ANGER

i. PERPETRATORS
In the ‘CONCLUSIONS’ category, the opposite reactions to Victim is expressed by the overtly rageful ACoAs. These attack anything & anyone we think have hurt us, whether real or not, because we can’t bear to take any responsibility for our T.E.A.s!

We passionately believe all our troubles are always other people’s fault – no matter how minor or unimportant the situation – & not just occasionally, as everyone sometimes feels, but as a life-pattern
EXP:
Carl is having a bad week. His computer isn’t working right & he can’t figure it out.  He gets an unexpected bill in the mail, & there’s no hot water.  He makes it to an interview for a gig but the club owner never shows, & to top it off, someone cuts him off on the way home.

He’s in a rage! He storms around, yelling at anyone who gets in his way. He’s so upset that he drives too fast & almost gets in an accident! “That @%!! incompetent  Â؈ÒÏ! I can’t believe the stupidity! They shouldn’t be allowed to live”…!

•Yes, S— happens – often out of our control, although not every day! But Ragers can’t bear to ever feel powerless, so we use the defense of Blaming all our pain on others. It does not mean we should be blaming ourselves.

This approach to life is just as narcissistic as the Victims’ – “Everything is about me” – just from opposite poles. Both types are convinced we’re the butt of a cosmic joke, the universe is the cause of our suffering, dedicated to preventing us from being happy or getting our most fundamental needs met – to be loved & feel safe.

Negative THINKING
While the overtly fearful ACoAs believe they have caused every tragedy, the obviously angry ones feel victimized & totally blameless. They step on other people’s feelings & barely notice. They complain, complain, complain – not an a whiney way, but with criticism, cynicism, judgement, & sarcasm.

Their general attitude is:
• Nothing is my fault or responsibility
• Nothing matters but MY needs, opinions & feelings
• Everything & everyone is doing / not doing – something – TO me.
• Everyone (but me) is weak & stupid!
• Every delay, disappointment, flaw, mistake… from others, is disrespectful & a personal affront

EXPs: • You’re always — . You never —-
• Everyone’s so ignorant – I can’t have a decent conversation
• This place is too small. I just can’t stand it
• Look at that ugly dress. How can she show her face?
• What a lousy movie & waste of my time
• This food is awful – send it back! & the waiters are so lazy
• Look at that stupid driver. Get off the road!
• That’s HOW much? That’s outrageous
• Going there was a waste of my money ….

NEXT: CONCLUSIONS – Paranoia (2b)

ACoA CONCLUSIONS re. Painful Events (Part 1a)

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Screen Shot 2015-06-20 at 6.14.39 PM
I’M SUCH A FAILURE!
I can’t get anything right

PREVIOUS:  Noticing Painful Events  (Part 2)

REVIEW posts : “What just happened”

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


1. EVENTS – the Stimulus

2. CONCLUSIONS (our THINKING)
Here is another use of T.E.A. (Thought, Emotions & Actions ). The middle circle (in pink) is about how we mentally (Ts) assess or try to explain any event that’s upsetting.
🙄 A common reaction is to ‘be in our head“, endlessly obsessing, without ever understanding the situation (T) or resolving it appropriately (A).
REMEMBER – “crazy” is mental (what we think / believe), not emotional

Most ACoAs grow up convinced we’re crazy!  We say we feel crazy, or that we’re going crazy, or we afraid of being crazy.
Well, most ACoAs are NOT, but we came to believe it because – while our emotions & observations told us that a lot was seriously wrong with family, school, church….
the grown-ups kept telling us our opinions were way off base, & anyway we were the problemCause & Effect

Reminder: ‘Painful events’ may be situations that :
a. are accidental, because people are just busy or preoccupied
b. we run into in the course of everyday living (rudeness, ignorance, delays…)
c. are genuinely insulting, shaming or otherwise abusive

We can instantly react (As), out of our conscious control  = yelling, sulking, blaming….. or just spend all our time worrying.
If we pay attention, those reactions will give us an idea of what we’re actually thinking.
HINT – that the painful event is :
💦ONLY /all about ME, & we’re the Victim (V), creating FEAR , OR
🔩ONLY /all about the OTHER person, as Perpetrator (P), creating our ANGER

💦 IT’S ALL ME – It’s my fault, I’m bad, dumb, weak, lazy….
• Whenever ACoAs experience a painful event or loss we try to make sense of it. The WIC always thinks they’re the source or cause – that we should have been able to prevent it.
The Adult in us may know this is not true. Others are also not in control of every outcome, but they are responsible for their beliefs, decisions & actions (not us), whether they acknowledge it or not

EXP:  It’s sad to think of JFK Jr. – his very bad decision to fly with a broken leg, without a co-pilot or auto-pilot, in predicted bad weather – ended in disaster. Accident? Yes, but his unwise choices contributed.

• ALL ACoAs start out from this premise (Self-Hate) & then layer it over with a variety of defenses. When something doesn’t work out, or someone hurts us / ignores us / leaves us…. we try to analyze what we did wrong & how we can fix it. We obsess for days, sometimes years about a painful situation, always from self-blame.

➼ Unhealed ACoAs have a wide streak of narcissism – mainly in the form of: EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME!  but you may be saying “What, it’s not??”
It’s our default position, & continues as long as the WIC is in charge of our life.

EXP:  Extrovert Maria is in a night-school computer class with 6 other adults, 5 men & one other woman. Maria glances at her several times, hoping to connect, but the woman blatantly ignores her. Maria’s not just disappointed, she’s hurt. There’s a pain in her gut: “Nobody likes me!”

EXP:  Felicia was in great distress. She’d invited her family to visit her at college, so they drove down to see her. On their way another car plowed into them, causing a huge accident & her brother was killed. That was enough of a heart breaker – but her CD added to it. She kept saying: ”If only I hadn’t asked them to visit, he’d still be alive!” – tortured by thinking she has that kind of power

REALITY: There are times when we have made a wrong choice, but self-abuse does not help us learn from the error or improve our options in the future. S-H is a lie & therefore SELF-DEFEATING. It’s based on a false sense of power, but it’s still false.

Once the UNIT kicks in, that perspective greatly diminishes. There’s a big difference between believing we’re responsible for everything (grandiosity) vs being appropriately responsible for our T.E.A.s

NEXT: CONCLUSIONS  (Part 1b)

NOTICING Painful EVENTS

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Screen Shot 2015-06-20 at 5.24.34 PM 

IT’S EVERYWHERE!
life is full of pain

PREVIOUS: What just happened – 30 Qs

 

 

1. EVENT – the Stimulus (Green Oval)
Growing up with emotional & physical stress, we became hyper-alert to our environment, developing big antennae to catch even a whiff of dangerdoor slam

Early sources:  Being kept awake late, even on school nights, waiting anxiously to hear what state dad was in coming home – how did the car sound, how hard was the front door slammed, how heavy were the footsteps, which room was he going into…?

Was there going to be a fight – yelling, hitting – or worse, a ‘visit’ to your bed…?  trying to sleep with one foot on the floor, hating mornings, knowing you’d be a mess at school the next day, as usual being constantly worried…..

This endless pressure has left many of us with only 2 options:
⚠️ Vagueness: the ACoAs who seem to be so out-to-lunch that you wouldn’t think they are actually over-attentive. It’s why they need to be flaky, because internally they’re under overwhelming tension, but it’s split off from their own awareness –  (dissociation)
♨️ Hyper-vigilance: other ACoAs are noticeably anxious, worried, controlling, touchy, always looking around, easily taking offense (sitting with their back to any available wall!) – waiting to be attacked by others
🌀 Some of the paranoia comes from having a BadParent camera over one shoulder, constantly judging everything we say, do, think & feel

We’re still so focused on the possibility of being abused &/or abandoned – again – that we either isolate too much, are belligerent & difficult, or super people-pleaCause & Effectsers.
So every Event that upsets, hurts, disappoints & scares us becomes a cause for emotional drama

▶ Approaches to EVENTS (present day)
CO-DEPENDENCE: disturbing situations are a challenge for the Rescuer to throw all their energy into fixing – the other person or event
COUNTER-PHOBIA: at the other extreme, we look for the most dangerous, drama-filled events to get involved with, while ignoring / denying / swallowing the pain it causes us

ISOLATION / Victim: having been hurt by so many people & events, we starve ourselves of potential benefits in the world, instead of ‘dealing & healing’

PARANOIA: the assumption is that the ‘universe’ (everyone & everything) is deliberately targeting us, to cause our suffering. We ignore all the good things in our life, OR explain them away as an accident, a fake / scam or “they’re just being polite”
6a011570338375970c01a511bdd4fb970c-pi
SCAPEGOAT / Victim:  we feel blamed for everything that goes wrong, which we agree with. It causes great anxiety & constant anger, but we don’t try to correct it

EXP of ‘Events’ = YOU are :
• going for an interview & do your best, but you’re not called back
• having lunch with a group of casual friends & new acquaintances.  Everyone seems easily engaged in conversation with their neighbors, & almost no-one has talked to you the whole time

• a new members of a long-standing group, out for coffee with them after a meeting. On the way, they all pair up, talking to each other, but no one walks with you – you’re all alone at the back of the ‘line’
• trying to cross a busy street & just then a cab turns the corner, almost hitting you
•  walking down the hall at work, & yet again Georgia  / Sam…. doesn’t acknowledge you

➼ Any of these may create a painful reaction in us. Our observation of the occurrence is accurate – it really did happen.  However – they triggered familiar cognitive distortions (CDs), which make the events more disturbing. That’s where we go off the rails.

‘EVENTS’ can be:
a. Neutral / mild : everyday situations that are not really bad, like – someone in the subway bumping into you, not getting that text you’re waiting for, a delivery being late….
b. Mild / bothersome: occasional annoyances that may or may not be aimed at you, like a rude salesman, your boss angry at you, getting a ticket, your child having trouble with a neighbor……
c. Severe: really painful encounters, like – a parent ignoring you or being cruel, a big fight with a BFF or spouse, your child getting arrested because of drugs….

• Each category will test our ‘mental health quotient’ – how realistic or distorted our thinking is, which will then govern how we act.

NEXT: Noticing painful events (Part 2)

WHAT JUST HAPPENED? – 30 Qs (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

wondering 

I’M DETERMINED –
I’m gonna figure it out!!

PREVIOUS: What just Happened (Part 3)

Please read / review Parts 1-3 before answering these questions

 

Suggestions
a. Read all the Qs first & if you feel overwhelmed, leave it overnight. Don’t wait much longer or you’ll lose info.  No S-H allowed!!
b. Write down as much or as little as you can – it can never be ‘perfect’. You can skip any that are not relevant or you don’t know about
c. Go back to it later, more than once if need be, to fill in any blanks
d. Make sure you only take responsibility for your side of the street & no more. Both of you contributed something, even indirectly.
➼ DATE & save all entries.
INVENTORY
Re. YOU
1. What actually happened – list as many facts as you can remember (I did/said… they did/said…) Ask anyone else who may have been there what they remember
2. If relevant, list what was going on with you or what was happening just before the encounter –  what state of mind were you in during the previous few days?

3. If there was any anticipation, what were you feeling & thinking before the event? Was there something you wanted? Were looking forward to? Needed from the person or situation?
expectations
4. What did you expect would happen on this occasion?
a. Consciously – looking forward to? Afraid of?
b. Semi-consciously – what did you secretly assume or expect?
➼ We can often tell this by intense disappointment!

5. If it was an unexpected & unprovoked encounter (by you), what state were you in at the time? (Vulnerable, needy, generally angry, sad, overwhelmed, in physical pain…)
6. How were you feeling emotionally (E) during the interchange?  List as many Es as you can
OR Ask: If I had been feeling something, what might it have been?

7. What were you thinking (T) during the interchange, that you didn’t say? What do you think / conclude, now, that you’ve had time to reflect?
8. What did your WIC ‘hear’ them saying (an implied judgement, accusations, insult….) which also often came from our family?
It may have been hurtful, OR it’s your interpretation of their comments

9. Are you surprised/ shocked by the event? Is it something you could have predicted or anticipated, based on previous experience?
10. Why do you think they triggered you so much?

Re. THEM
1. What’s your connection to this person, if any?
2. If you do know them, what has your relationship been like, over all? How do you think about them?
3. Did they act in a familiar way? How, exactly?Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 5.57.35 AM
4. What did you observe about this other person during the interchange?

5. If you didn’t know them, what information did they give you about themselves – direct or by implication? (people always do!)
6. What did your intuition tell you about their attitude, their state of mind, their abilities, their ego state…no matter how brief? Is it familiar?
REMEMBER:  When you know a song well, you only have to hear a few bars hummed to identify it!

7. What did their behavior, emotions & words tell you about who they are (this is about FACTS, not a hatchet job) – Angry, needy, controlling, manipulative…/
8. Who do they remind you of (usually a family member)?
9. What were they actually telling you? This is not a guess. Most people say things with some kind of subtext, altho’ not always unkind
10. What does your gut and head tell you about dealing with them in the future?

CONCLUSIONS
1. Looking back, what did I observe about myself in that situation, old or new?
2. What have I realized, that I’d rather not have admitted –
a. about myself
b. about the other person

3. What actions would I like to take, as a result of this interchange?
a. ignore the whole thing
b. let it simmer some more, need time to calm down before saying anythingScreen Shot 2016-06-19 at 5.57.10 AM
c. need more time to process it myself. May want to run it by a few trusted people.
d. jump right in & let them know what I think! What are the consequences likely to be?

4. Did I learn anything useful, that I can apply to this or other relationships, in the future?
5. What do I need to work on? Improve? Modify or change?
6. What can I take with we for any future conversations?
7. What do I need to practice saying, over & over, to be better prepared for similar situations?

8. Am I proud of anything, in this situation? Did I act or talk better – more self esteem-able, more from the Healthy Adult? Was I more appropriately restrained?
9. Was there anything I enjoyed about the situation, was amused by, found intriguing, surprised by?
10. What does my IC need to hear from my Loving Inner Parent, when thinking (T) about this event?

(© Donna M Torbico, 2011)

No matter what you uncover, do not let the IC go into S-H, nor let the PP beat you up!  This is valuable info for YOUR growth!

NEXT:  Noticing Painful events – #1

WHAT JUST HAPPENED? – Intro (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

caught in their mess

 

I KEEP GETTING CAUGHT UP
in these messes with people!

PREVIOUS: “What just happened” (#1)

 

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

PURPOSE of the INVENTORY (in Part 4)Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 5.32.57 AM
We can use the Qs to strengthen our HEALTHY ADULT to be more in charge in the future, whatever the circumstances.
We can LEARN about:
1. OURSELVES – strengths, weaknesses, style, beliefs, needs, wishes…
a. conscious parts we ignore, don’t accept or deal with, parts we’re working on, need to pay more attention to, are OK with…
b. aspects that are hidden in the shadows which ‘force’ us to act out old fears & beliefs AND prevent us from shining our inner light

2. WHAT to expect – so we’re not shocked & reactive, every time.
ACoAs have a built-in ‘forgetter’ after experiencing a run-in with painful people & situations which mirror of our childhood trauma
a. In the present we bury the knowledge we could have gained from this encounter, & are then “taken by Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 5.27.10 AMsurprise” for the umpteenth time when dealing with the same situation – again! as if it had never happened before

b. Even when encountering an unpleasant stranger, the interchange with them is often similar to others of that type, but we’re still surprised, not able to assert ourselves, shocked into muteness… OR over-react from the WIC’s old rage.

INTERCHANGES that hurt — 
a. but are not even remotely about us
EXP: Mona is an acupuncturist & is at a banquet honoring a prominent friend of hers. She starts talking to a man at her table & eventually they exchange business cards. He’s relatively friendly at first, but looking at her card, he becomes quite hostile, bad-mouthing her profession. She’s shocked & hurt.

Excusing herself, Mona moves to a distant table. After mulling it over for a while she goes back & asks him “What just happened?”. Slightly calmer, he tells about a very bad experience the only time he ever went to get acupuncture – when he almost became paralyzed from a cramp in his back & could hardly breathe. He didn’t apologize, but Mona was satisfied.

b. occur when we accidentally step on someone toes
EXP: Sandi gives Joe a CD of Edith Piaf for his B/day, knowing how much he loves her Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 5.53.00 AMmusic. He’s thrilled & puts it on speaker. Sandi ‘hates’ Piaf (which he doesn’t know) & asks him to play it later. He wants to know why & she admits Piaf doesn’t suit her.

He feels hurt – as if it’s as an attack on his taste (taking things personally & being ‘over-sensitive’). Then he gets angry & attacks her for being insensitive & having no taste in music!
Sandi explains that Piaf’s voice & music are too painful to listen to, which has nothing to do with him or his taste! This only moderately mollifies him.

c. are actually meant as a positive, but are said ‘wrong’Screen Shot 2016-06-19 at 5.42.57 AM
EXP: While visiting a friend, Pat mentioned that she goes to her dentist on Sundays, since he didn’t work on the Sabbath. Her friend said “Only you could have found a dentist to see on Sundays!”  Pat was hurt & angry, but didn’t say anything for a week. It reminded her of being teased at home & in school.

After going thru the 30 Qs (Part 4), she called her friend. “Bobby, remember what you said last week about my dentist?”
-pause- “No”.
“You said…. & what I heard was that you were making fun of me, like – I’m so weird…”
-pause- “No, what I was saying was that I admired you for your cleverness…”
-pause-  “OH!. Well, thanks. But it would have been clearer if you’d said that!”

NEXT: “What Just Happened?” #3

NEGATIVE BENEFITS of Old Patterns (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

attitude 

YOU EXPECT ME TO DO WHAT?
I’d rather do it my way!

PREVIOUS:   Negative Benefits (Part 2)

SEE posts:“Denial & Acting out”
“The UNIT: Healthy Adult, Loving Parent”

PMES = Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual

DENIAL & RESISTANCE
Why do we keep blanking on what we’ve learned in Recovery?  Because even ACoAs who are sincere about self-growth – have a powerful built-in forgetter, pounded in place by our family. We can hear the same thing over & over, & still….

So, when clients are asked* some basics of ACoAs damage & recovery, such as:
a. “What is self-hate & why did we develop it?”
b.  “What do we need to have in place in order to have good boundaries?”
c. “How does this problem of anxiety relate to your childhood?”
d. “Why do you need to stay vague about your finances?” …..
…. they often give a blank stares & shrug, even after years of Program & therapy!

• ACoAs are not stupid people.  In spite of ADD, depression, hormone imbalances or other issues – we remember lots of other things – like how to do our jobs, how to surf the web, how to buy a house or car, how to expend lots of futile energy giving great advice to friends, lovers, family – that we don’t use for ourselves ….. but NOT what we’ve learned about our own damage OR about mental health!  adults-acting-childish
(adults acting like school kids  —>)

So if we want to keep growing, it’s very important to keep looking for the unhealthy payoffs (same as NB) behind our self-defeating patterns.

✶ ANSWERs to the above Qs :

a. If we did understand what S-H is truly about, it would be harder & harder to maintain. THEN we’d have to deal with the intense pain & rage of the many ways we were neglected, abused & abandonment by our family.

NB: Keep all that swept under the rug – locked away in a dark room of our unconscious.  The WIC thinks that if you ignore something scary, it doesn’t exist.  Too bad it doesn’t work that way!

b. To have good boundaries we need to:
1) know what our needs are
2) give ourselves permission the actually have those need
3) actively go about meeting those needs, a day at a time.
It would mean disobeying fundamental Toxic Rules, taking care of ourselves, not staying a victim (which we were originally) & stop waiting to be rescued

NB: Not have to be in charge of our own life – not ‘grow up’ emotionally, & face angry or fearful reactions from our family & ‘friends’ if we were to get better (we think it prevents getting abandoned – but that has already happened by those people!)S-H

c. Identifying how each problematic situation / relationship / emotion / pattern – in our life mirrors our childhood (S-H) would mean having to face what our parents were really like, what they did to us, what they didn’t provide…. which IS reflected in how we treat ourselves now.  We’d have to break many illusions & feel the deep hurt & longing of our eawrly years

NB: Not have to do an extensive written family inventory, to look at these realities on a deeper level – even when we think we’ve dealt with our issues or that we already know all about what happened.

d. To stop being vague about anything (our finances, time, our emotions, our knowledge…) means identifying the Toxic Messages we’re still obeying, feeling the old terror & having to take full responsibility for our actions in the present. S & I = becoming your own person, the one you were born to be, minus your damage!

NB: Not having to fully acknowledge knowing how bad it was growing up, not dealing with our accumulated old pain, not having to separate from the dysfunctional system we grew up in — which the WIC thinks means abandoning them, & us being alone forever!

NEXT: Neg benefits #4