alcoholism

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 8a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem

I CAN BE FREE OF some GUILT
if I admit when I mess things up

PREVIOUS: Adult forgiveness (#7c)

SITEs: “How to apologize : Asking for forgiveness gracefully” 


RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.
TOOL 7a, b, c = FORGIVING Ourselves – as ADULTS

TOOL 8a. FORGIVEN by OTHERS
DEF – It is when someone we have hurt:
• grants pardon for or absolves us of a mistake or wrongdoing
• no longer blames or feels resentment toward us
• frees us from a previous obligation or penalty

QUOTEs: “A relationship is only as strong as each individual’s capacity to forgive and ask for forgiveness.”
• “Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong, & the other person is right. It can mean you value the relationship more than your ego.”

ASKING for Forgiveness
We know that a component of Co-dep fake-niceness is the desire to hide our guilt at having been less than honorable toward others. Clearing out some of the underbrush of our moth-eaten defenses (P-P) means being willing to ‘make amends’ for our negative reactions, whenever possible. This begins with telling the truth about our behavior, without over- or under- stating it.

A FEW problem areas that can harm others:
Being controlling, close-minded, dependent, dishonest, judgmental, narcissistic, prejudiced, perfectionistic, superior …..
For more, refer to the 3 posts ‘How ACoAs abandon others‘ & both Laundry Lists.

AA’s Step 8 : “Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all”

Step 9 : “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others”

► While implementing the 9th Step is for our personal growth, it should not be taken without serious thought & preparation. It’s not going to help our healing if we don’t have a genuine desire to mend the breach with someone, but only do it because we’re supposed to, or are only thinking of how it will benefit ourself.
That narcissistic approach will likely anger the other person, & leave us confused & bitter.
Making amends is about ‘amending’ our ways, otherwise a verbal apology is hollow.

But, before we can consider asking to be forgiven, we need to look at who we’re going to apologize to & exactly for what. (‘Making amends is more than an apology)

1. WHO: Note that Al-Anon/AA Step #8 says “be willing“, but #9 cautions “except when.…”.
• In some cases we’ll never be able to connect with the person we owe an amends to because they’re simply not available – from death, unknown location, or not wanting any contact with us. Then go back to Step 5 to put that specific event to rest.

• Also, there are times when telling someone what we did to-or-against them will hurt them much more than staying silence, especially if they were unaware of our misdeeds. Always consider the consequences of your words. It’s not their job to make you feel better!

• And, just because some unhealthy people accuse us of being abusive when we accidentally push their buttons, don’t do what they want or don’t agree with them, set a boundary or stand up for ourselves….. (because they don’t feel safe unless everyone is apologizingtheir carbon copy), it does NOT mean we owe them an apology.

💛 We can acknowledge their feelings by saying we understand they don’t like something we did or said – or not. Period. Don’t add buts, excuses or explanations. As long as you know you’re being true to yourselves in that situation – you’re OK.
We are responsible for being as ‘clean’ in motive & action as we can, but NOT for how others react – regardless of our behavior.

NEXT: Forgiven for WHAT (#8b)

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 7c)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery

IT’S GOOD TO KNOW
I have lots of options

PREVIOUS: ADULT forgiveness, #7b

SITEs: An artist’s COMMITMENT to life
• Forgive Yourself to Heal  – an abuse survivor’s journey

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.
TOOL 7c. FORGIVING Ourselves – as ADULTS
1. LETTING GO of old patterns AND
2. GIVING UP torturing ourselves

LETTING GO means ACCEPTING.….(7b)

GROWTH starts with accepting Al-Anon’s 3 As:
“I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it.”
We can then let go of self-recrimination for anything, because that is not taking responsibility (scroll down). We need to correct distorted thinking, & stop blaming or attacking ourselves for what may or may not be inadequacies & deficiencies

❇️ Being responsible IS acknowledging something we’ve said, felt or done (or didn’t) – without adding “…..and therefore I’m bad.”

PROCESS
• Use these 18 Steps to process any Ts, Es or As you feel guilty about, as a way to take responsibility
• Write down what you’ve learned from any of the TOOLS (1-6) you’re in the process of using, & any actions you’ve taken to repair or make amends. Let this sink in. Appreciate yourself.

• Decide what if anything remains to be done – inside your own heart or out in the world – and then do it.
Let it sink in that you’re doing it, & appreciate yourself for this too.

• Consciously continue forgiving yourself when needed:
“I forgive myself today for ______ , knowing that even with self-defeating T.E.A.s I am a good person with the RIGHT to be valued & loved. I take responsibility for my life (but not for other adults) & do what I can to make things better.”

PRACTICE Self-Forgiveness. Give yourself the empathy you always craved as a child. (“Is self-love selfish?” 10 good Answers) (10 Scientific & Medical Reasons Why We Should Be Compassionate)

Every morning look in the mirror & say to yourself:
❣️ I love you Inner Child. I am grateful for another day
❣️ I am accountable for my Adult decisions & actions today
❣️ I forgive me for anything that was not forgiven last night
❣️ I love you. Lets have a great day!

And each evening, look & say:
💜 I love you. I’m sorry for anything left undone today
💜 I’m sorry for any fearful decisions & actions today
💜 I forgive myself, & am grateful for total forgiveness
💜 I accept & enjoy ALL my blessings. I love you. Sleep well. (MORE…..)

NOTE: Compassion is wired in from birth  because it’s good for us & for humanity. Both animals & humans have what Dr. Keltner at U of C Berkeley, coined as “compassionate instinct.” It’s a natural, automatic response that has ensured our survival.

• But as ACoAs we know it can be cruelly suppressed by family & community! AND used by sick adults to make us ‘take care’ of’ them so they didn’t have to be responsible for themself.

Other suggestions for healing
Putting time & caring into each activity reinforces the determination to outgrow co-dep & re-connect with your Natural Compassion.
REPEAT often!
• Write a letter to your WIC listing all the things you’re ‘letting go‘ of on his/her behalf
• Build a visual bridge – from here to where you want to be

• Write a positive 3rd person story or poem as the narrator, about how the main character (you) is freeing themself of guilt & shame
• Create a tangible expression of old painful experiences AND of your fondest wishes, using :
– sand tray art, with suggested ideas for adults
– a collage, drawings or junk sculptures (Google images) to express emotions

• Make a memory bracelet or necklace with a colored bead or charm for every time you have already forgiven yourself, & add one when you do so from now on (w/ memory wire)

• Do something physical you enjoy – to release anger & hurt (run, bike, dance, t’ai chi, yoga, swim…..)
• Use Trauma Release work on unfinished business:
= Several methods – scroll down // About the Pain Body  // Tension & Trauma Releasing Exercises // Dealing with Recent or Childhood Trauma

►  The benefits of letting go & acceptance are worth the great struggle of having to outgrow our damage – by releasing the rage at ourselves & at our abusers.
NOTE: For daily clearing, see STEP 10 – 3 posts

NEXT: Outgrowing, #8a

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 7b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , ,

I WANT TO IMPROVE as many relationships as possible

PREVIOUS: Adult forgiveness (#7a)  ▲IMAGE : VeryWELL

SITEs: Healthy way to forgive yourself (and its dark side)


RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.
TOOL 6a & b. Healing CHILDHOOD T.E.A.

TOOL 7b. FORGIVING Ourselves as ADULTS (cont.)  re. ACoA Step 4 & 5

SELF-FORGIVENESS is letting go of guilt & shame, which takes persistent time & effort, and in never complete. Letting go means accepting that we can’t change our past, but can learn from it.
At its heart, ACCEPTANCE is seeing everything as it really is, no matter how unpleasant, rather than what we want it to be. (more in Part 6b)
Acceptance eliminates illusions & CDs, & so makes letting go possible.

++ ACCEPT ourselves as valuable Children of God / HP / the Universe, which helps to stop the cruel inner rant (the WIC or PP) – a choice we can implement every day.
The benefits of self-acceptance are worth the great struggle of having to let go – of releasing the rage at ourselves & our abusers.)

++ ACCEPT that we are wounded – not defective. Letting go means stopping the cruel inner PP rant – a choice we can implement every day. Given the very hard times we’ve been thru, it means we need to be extra kind to ourselves. (Purpose of healthy parental mirroring )

 ++ ACCEPT our human limitations, which will allow us to let go of judging ourselves so harshly. That no matter how much we wish it we can’t go back & change anything. AND that we’ll never have the parents / family we legitimately wanted

LETTING GO means:
• accepting all our emotions, without reservation or judgment
• being kind to ourselves, no matter what, & staying present for whatever Es come up
• facing & dealing with our anger at our family, & other T.E.As.
• forgiving the things we didn’t do, which caused us or others harm.
• releasing any & all accusations or blame of God / the Divine for painful experiences caused by humans
• remembering painful & embarrassing situations we got ourselves into because of anxiety, FoA & dissociation (out-to-lunchness) – without S-H

EXP: In her 20’s Jenny had a little grey cat she loved a lot. As Greyling was getting older, he get thinner & thinner, but Jenny was too busy studying & writing papers for her college classes to pay much attention.

• One night Greyling flopped over on the bed, not able to stand. Jenny was worried, but thought he was just old. The next day she saw he was very weak – not moving, not eating – so she finally took him to the vet. The vet took one look at the little cat & turned angrily to Jenny. “You let this cat deteriorate to the point that he’s so dehydrated he had a stroke! There’s nothing I can do – he needs to be put down!”.

• Jenny was devastated at the loss, & deeply ashamed of her neglect. She had caused this sweet creature severe suffering because of her obliviousness. Working it thru in therapy & ACoA meetings, she understood that ignoring the signs of illness in Greyling came from her grammar school time. She spent many years seeing her father in terrible pain from a long illness, often lying in a dark room but never complaining, while mother kept telling her to be very quiet & not bother him.
Jenny loved her dad & hurt deeply for him, but was totally helpless. To protect against her overwhelming frustration & powerlessness, she became numb to physical suffering.

• Accepting the connection between past & present, & continuing to grieve Greyling, Jenny sincerely forgave herself for her inaction, without S-H, knowing where it came from. Even years later she sometimes feels sad for her dad & the cat, without judgement, & has made sure to not make that mistake again with other cats.

NEXT: ADULT self-Forgiveness (#7e)

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 7a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery


I HAVE A LOT OF WORK
ahead of me!

PREVIOUS: Outgrow co-dep (#6b)

SITE : “How is Forgiveness Possible?“- a philosophical essay, complex & interesting

 

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome”(cont.)
TOOL 5a & b = FORGIVING OTHERS
TOOL 6a & b = Healing CHILDHOOD T.E.A.s

TOOL 7a = FORGIVING Ourselves – as ADULTS – is to:
1. LET GO of old patterns (As), harsh judgements & pointless comparisons (Ts) (“Letting go means….“), AND to:
2. GIVE UP torturing ourselves for all the ways we’ve messed up (T.E.As)

IN ADULTHOOD
The many ways we have hurt ourself & other people has been the result of our specific personality‘s reactions to a very unhealthy upbringing. To outgrow co-dep it’s crucial to accept that, like everyone else, our dysfunction was a predictable outcome of our childhood experiences. We need to identify our ‘character defects’ in the light of our early training – instead of assuming they represent our basic self.

ACoA 4th Step: “We made a searching and blameless inventory of our parents because, in essence, we had become them” (Posts: Family Inventory // Their attitudes).
Co-dependent fake-niceness tries to hide our angry disappointment at not being loved & cared for by our family.
So we’re horrified at the suggestion that we might have  turned into a version of them. “NOT ME! I’ll never let myself drink too much, yell at & beat my mate & kids, lay around like a queen bee, be so controlling, be unfair, be poor, throw things, cheat, gamble, lie, pretend everything’s fine when it’s not…

AND YET, maybe only on the inside, we’re just as judgemental about others, hard on ourselves, afraid & insecure, fake, skeptical or naive, afraid of intimacy …. as them. And we don’t want anyone to know, not even ourself.
Yes, our long-term self-defeating behaviors are indeed aspects of our parents, incorporated into & modified by the WIC. But when we accept that, then self-blame can be stopped by self-forgiveness, both for all the things that were out of our control, & all the things we’ve done compulsively (unconsciously) from damage.

We can start with the inventory of our beliefs, fears, resentments, interaction with others…. and this includes all our positive qualities, skills & experience. This is not an easy task. Many of us find it difficult to identify our good qualities because of rotten mirroring, much less our ‘wrongs’, which we’re too proud to admit, or too ashamed.
Use the: ACoA 12 steps, & Laundry List Workbooks

As adults we are responsible for our actions, so now we have the option to make changes that will improve our life. It helps to separate our T.E.A.s. correctly, into:
❇️ moral faults : based on our personal value system, things we feel shame, guilt & remorse about, which need a suitable amount of repair or penalty
✦ weaknesses : things that would make our life better if corrected, but don’t deserve punishment
• normal human activities & feelings which are not wrong or bad & are NOT to be judged at all

It will benefit us most if we identify these 3 groups with a compassionate heart. Then we can decide what to keep & what to work on outgrowing. Our Time-Line Inventory will show recurring patterns.

ACoA Step 5 : “We admitted to our Higher Power, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our childhood abandonment.”
Once we have our personal ‘wounded’ list (Step 4), & share it with H.P., a sponsor, therapist &/or wise friend…. we have a blueprint to work from – for ourself & in relation to others in our life.

NOTE that it doesn’t say ‘our defects’, because that label leads ACoAs to think they represent our ‘core badness’. Instead,
Abandonment leads to —> Self-hate, which leads to —-> acting out woundedness, which are expressions of the False Self.

🌈 ACoA Steps 6-9  help to give us courage to face the daunting & terrifying task of this inventory, as we absorb & apply them. READ: Realistic Recovery

NEXT: Self-Forgiveness (#7a)

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 6b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,


TO BE or NOT TO BE
willing to forgive myself –
that is the question!

PREVIOUS : Outgrowing P-P #6a

SITEs: 12 Ways to Accept Yourself
• “I Forgive Myself for……“from ‘Journey of Be’, scroll to 9/2015


RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (cont.)

TOOL 6a. Healing our CHILDHOOD T.E.A. (cont.)
As we outgrow P-P we can clean out the underlying issue that permeates every part of our life : our Self-Hate, which is blaming ourselves for not getting our needs met. It’s anger/rage at our family turned in on ourself

Reminder : Healthy, compassionate families, teachers & other leaders guide children with clarity, kindness, patience & humor. They set good examples, teach boundaries & realistic limits, explain the way people & things work, & help each child develop their Natural Self. (Healthy Parenting)

That was not our experience. All our childhood emotions, words & actions which were called “too sensitive, disobedient, difficult, selfish, lazy, stupid …..” do not need to be forgiven. Instead, we can look back with sorrow & compassion for what we endured!

SO: The more S-H we clear out, the more we drop P-P, automatically. Rather than struggling with the idea of having to forgive our youthful acting-out & normal child-reactions, we can benefit the most from ACCEPTANCE. 

++ ACCEPT that every child is programmed to follow their upbringing.  If it was alcoholic, dangerous, neglectful…. we drowned in too many rigid, harmful laws – or were completely left to our own devices. Now we can slowly form a new set of rules, loving & flexible – which will eliminate much of the need for fake niceness, so we’re free to be genuinely kind  (“ACoAs – Healthy Rules”

+ + ACCEPT reality: We can let go of the – usually unconscious – twisted belief we may still have, that we’re hopelessly bone-deep failures because we originally:
• failed to be the kind of child who was good enough to have elicited love & approval from our parents
• failed to soothe & heal our parents’ many wounds
• failed to stop them from hurting us, each other & our siblings

++ ACCEPT that the mirroring we got as kids came from cracked mirrors – forcing us to see ourself thru controlling, cruel, drunk, insensitive, neglectful, raging eyes! What we came to think of as our Self was mainly their sickness projected on to us – which became our Negative Introject. This psychological process – helpful or harmful – happens to every child & is not ‘forgiveness material’.  (Parental Mirroring provides child….)

++ ACCEPT our child’s narcissism as normal, which made us think we had the power to do any of those things. Not! We can understand why we had those misguided ideas, & correct our thinking now (the CDs), to stop blaming & attacking ourself for what we believe are inadequacies & deficiencies

++ ACCEPT that following the Toxic family Rules does not & never did keep us safe!  No matter how ‘good’, helpful & self-denying we were as kids, we still got the full brunt of our family’s damage!
“I have to obey them” is a lie we tell ourselves so we don’t have to be our True Self & take care of our own needs

++ ACCEPT that as physical adults (not yet ‘grown-up’) we do not ne-e-e-d them to be our parents. That’s our job now. We do need a lot of help to heal, but trying to appease & please the original abusers is self-destructive

++ ACCEPT & stop judging ourselves absolutely, totally –  for:
• not being perfect // not knowing everything // making mistakes
• being so scared inside // being controlling // nit-picking
• having depression & the need for medication
• procrastinating or never finishing anything…  basically opposite everything on the RIGHTS list

++ ACCEPT that at first we’re going to feel guilt churning in our gut whenever we disobey any Toxic Family Rule, but we will slowly outgrow it.  This is ‘good guilt’ – for the short-term – because it signals doing something healthy for ourselves, which goes against all our original crazy training

The Tibetans have no word for ‘guilty.’ The closest is “Intelligent regret that decides to do things differently.”

NEXT: Self-forgiveness as ADULTS

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 6a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , ,

THIS PART IS the hardest of all

◀️ ARTWORK from Tiny Buddha

PREVIOUS :
Outgrowing P-P , #5b 

QUOTE: “You’re the Average of the 5 people You spend the Most Time with”
– Jim Rohn “The Art of Exceptional Living”

 

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome”(cont)

IMP :
‘Forgiving’ OURSELF
This only applies to us as adults (Parts 7a & b), when the brain is capable of self-direction – when we can understand that the ‘character defects’ of the False Self were developed in childhood, which we had no control over.

TOOL 6a. = Healing our CHILDHOOD T.E.A.s is to:
1. LET GO of our Self-hate (E) & endless recriminations (Ts) re. the past
(See “Letting go means….“), and to:
2. GIVE UP the compulsion to keep punishing ourself & stay miserable (Es)

Review: As earlier posts have indicated, the underpinnings to co-dep / P-P ‘niceness’ is unexpressed anger / rage. And under that is a vast sewer of stuffed emotions, the majority being fear/terror, but also disappointment, loneliness, longing, sadness, despair…..
Cleaning out our damage includes facing & dealing with our anger at our family, as well as all our other T.E.As.
It means having compassion for ourselves & living in the present.

Judgements: Along with forgiving others who have wronged us, we are told to ‘Forgive yourself’– but it’s not always clear which part of our life that refers to. Presumably it’s for all our ‘bad’ behavior, at any age.

This is tricky, because ACoA co-deps can easily take this to mean that our self-defeating patterns prove what our family said all along – that our very essence is bad/evil, which is why we’re supposed to need absolution.

Those unloving messages get added to children’s minds who automatically combine Being & Doing into one thing.  So, still run by our WIC, ACoAs are plagued by the toxic rule: “I act bad because I am bad”, which we frantically try to hide with perfectionism & P-P.

REALITY: If this Rule were true then there could be no Recovery, no second chances, no spiritual healing or growth!
We need to “come to believe” that we are not bad & therefore unlovable, but rather severely wounded, as well as perfectly imperfect!

The starting point for all Recovery is working to eliminate as much S-H as possible. See: Self-Hate & ACoAs, & counter it with ‘Emotional Needs & Resources‘, as well as ‘Emotional Maturity’ and ‘ACoAs & Self-esteem‘.

CHILDHOOD
(As) ACTIONS: When encouraged to see that S-H is a destructive lie, many ACoAs will counter by pointing out how difficult or bratty they were as teens, or even younger – as proof of their inherent ‘badness’.
Yes, some kids are quieter & some more rambunctious. But much of what our parents considered ‘misbehaving’ was a combination of:
a. our copy of & direct reactions to all the craziness we were stuck in
b. many perfectly normal kid ways – but mislabeled by unhealthy parents
(“10 Ways Kids Appear to Be Bad but Aren’t“)

(Ts) THINKING: These 2 types of actions were based on:
a. the unique magical thinking of all children, who have a self-centered focus & a limited knowledge about how the world works
b. the many distortions & omissions fed to our growing brains by abusive parents, school, religion, our neighborhood & culture…..

(Es) EMOTIONS: (see list above in “Review”) ACoAs often say they “feel crazy”- which is actually a cognitive issue, not emotional – & we did think we were because most things truly didn’t make sense. That made our world chaotic & unpredictable, which is very scary to any child, who needs to feel safe as much as to feel loved.

THIS leads us back to self-forgiveness.
Forgiveness is always used in relation to having done something wrong. But as children much of what was labeled wrong about us was not! It doesn’t mean we were angels – far from it.  But we were reacting because every day we had to cope with extremely painful & frightening events.

So it’s not appropriate or relevant to use the concept of forgiveness toward ourselves as children – for the survival strategies we developed in dire circumstances.
There is nothing to forgive. ONLY ACCEPTANCE !

NEXT: Self-Forgiveness – in childhood (#6b)

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 5b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , , ,


IT’S NOT EASY
to heal old wounds

PREVIOUS: Forgiving others #5a

SITEs: 15 things Forgiveness
DOESN’T mean….

• DECONTAMINATING ‘forgiveness‘

• How to Forgive with NLP

 

 

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TSN) cont.

TOOL 5a. FORGIVING OTHERS (cont.)
(DEF. in Part 5a)

FORGIVING OTHERS is either:
1. for repairing relationships – to re-instate broken or lost trust
OR  2. letting go of the relationships because it cannot be repaired

NOTE: Forgiving in no way implies trusting another person, nor does it guarantee the continuation of the old relationship.

To repair a broken connection, both parties must participate.
• In some cases only one person has caused the problem – which they must own up to, & the aggrieved person will have to be willing to forgive. But forgiving a wound (to stop obsessing on the resentment) does not guarantee a reinstatement of trust. That has to be earned by the wounder, which is slow, & sometimes impossible.

Some relationships CAN NOT be fixed & some shouldn’t be. This is especially true when someone has persistently acted badly & continued to do so. Do not ignore this!
There are situations where it’s not worth the effort to reconnect. No matter how hard we try, it’s not going to work, because the other person is not willing to /capable of meeting us half way, not willing to consider what motivates their disruptive behavior. Without that, they will not change.
««
TOXIC people must be avoided whenever possible. If we’ve been exposed to one or more for any length of time, we need to get away from them as soon as possible, & then heal the aftereffects – using all our tools – so they don’t keep hurting us (inside) even once they’re gone.

• In other cases two people have butted heads, each hurting the other – reacting from unhealed damage. If the relationship is worth salvaging – to both – then each will need to go to their separate corners to figure out what in their own background set them off. Then eventually come together to share their awarenesses, using only ‘-I-‘ statements.

This too is usually slow. Sometimes each taking responsibility for their part will allow the relationship to continue – stronger – BUT it may not. While it means both know their side of the street is clean, which eliminates residual guilt & regret, they may rightly conclude they’re really not compatible, going forward. Then the parting can be sad, but prevents further hurt.

GROWTH
Letting go of anger (Es) & resentments (Ts) is internal, which must then be expressed externally by changing old patterns into healthy ACTIONS (As).

++ CHOICES – We’re responsible now for choosing to surround ourselves with people who are self-caring, positive & kind. Then there would be much less to forgive!  Recovery means being more discerning about who we trust. Since people tell us about themselves all the time – believe them!

So it’s not actually them we should trust, but ourselves. We can work our way out of denial by carefully listening to & observing what others express & then admit what we see & hear – especially when there’s a persistent pattern to someone’s erratic / cruel / narcissistic / unavailable behavior

++ SPEAKING UP – As we outgrow P-P we can be much less ready to automatically ‘forgive & forget’ indiscriminately. It’s not in anyone’s best interest. Repeatedly overlooking bad behavior in others not only harms us, but can also seriously affect loved ones, friends & co-workers who are around the acting out, to everyone’s detriment.
Our Emotional maturity includes holding people accountable for their inconsistencies & incompetence, for not keeping their agreements, for the damage they create, for abusive or disrespectful things they say…..

++ SELF-PROTECTION – Avoid blaming others when we’re upset, but speak up. Now if someone hurts our feelings or injures us in some other way, we must ask them to stop. AND their reactions are their alone!
If they won’t stop, we can remove ourselves or at least keep a distance. We are not responsible for what the other person did or did not do – only for our Es & the way we respond (As).
EXP: If someone steps on your toes, that’s on them. Definitely say OUCH! & move your foot.  If they keep stepping on it, that’s on you, for staying close enough for them to do it again & again.

NEXT: Accepting ourselves – in Childhood #6a

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 5a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , , ,

I DON’T KNOW
if I’ll ever be able to

PREVIOUS: Outgrowing P-P #3

SITEs: PMES forms of Self-Care
• 30 day challenge, to make changes


RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TSN) cont.
TOOL 3. ASSERTIVENESS  //  TOOL 4. HAVING RIGHTS

TOOL 5a. FORGIVING OTHERS
DEF:  a. LET GO of our anger  (Es= the emotion), & resentments (Ts= angry thoughts /obsessions) toward anyone whose offenses, flaws or mistakes have seriously injured us   (See “Letting go means….“), AND
b.  GIVE UP the desire to punish, seek revenge or exact payment

ACoAs
Mental health, Recovery & religious communities keep telling us we must forgive others in order to move on, insisting it must happen before healing can occur. This may be true for some people, but doesn’t really work for most ACoAs.

Forgiveness is important, but it’s not that easy to extend it to all the damaging & crazy mates, friends, bosses…. we’ve collected along the way, & especially not toward the adults who tortured & neglected us as kids.
There are things done to us that are – or seem to be – unforgivable.

▶︎ For ACoA angry-nice people forgiveness IS about ‘letting go’ – but not first. Instead, it is the outcome of the process of gradually releasing layers of old pain, combined with developing the UNIT, so we stop needing all those ‘unavailables’.

This takes a lot of time & effort, & maybe forgiving our abusers will never be complete because of the amount & intensity of trauma we suffered. But we are worth the effort to try, & that effort ends up benefiting every part of our life.

Not getting our rage out (& the tears underneath) is what keeps us stuck in obsession, which we’ve covered over with denial & then express as P-P angry-niceness. It will continue to plague us as long as we’re still desperate for their (unavailable) love & acceptance. AND the WIC wants the Perpetrators to admit what they did, to genuinely feel sorry & to apologize.

This rarely happens, so don’t hold your breath! Our anger is appropriate, but it must finally be vented safely, away from them, so we don’t have to keep carrying its corrosive effect. (“How to forgive” – even if they never come through!)

ACoAs go to one extreme or the other about almost everything.
As adult we’re responsible for our Ts, Es & As, but as angry ‘nice people’ (P-P) we’re afraid to admit our emotions & opinions. Instead, we take on the burden of other people’s feelings, especially if we love or need them, & especially if they’re acting needy or aloof. This comes from a set of opposites, a double message that becomes our bind :
❗️ the WIC’s narcissistic desire to symbiose (be the same as me), AND
❗️ the compulsion to escape from being ourselves (from S-H)

So, as long as we’re being run by the wounded child,
✐ we either refuse to even consider letting go (forgiving), or
✐ we’re too easy on everyone who hurt us.  The co-dep’s “High Road” is more likely a way of staying in denial than of being emotionally free.

► Forgiving requires some mental/emotional distance from our wounds, BY HAVING:
🔅 done enough venting of our old pain in safe ways
🔅 had our childhood experiences validated by people who understand
🔅 gotten enough correct info so our thinking is clearer
🔅 good enough boundaries so we can take care of ourselves
🔅 developed a healthy Adult to be more in charge of our choices

A VISUAL : We can think of our many painful memories as a series of pictures in a large gallery in our head – each one with an art lamp over it, the cord plugged into the wall at the baseboard. For us – the light is all the emotions attached to each memory, plugged into our nervous system.

A little at a time, by crying, raging, talking thru traumatic events, & being validated –  in safe places – the plug gets pulled out of the wall. We’ll still be able to see the images, but they will be in shadow because much of the pain will be gone. THAT is letting go. That is the forgiveness that benefits us.
AA saying : “Look back but don’t stare.”

NEXT: Recovery – Forgiving ourselves (#5b)

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,

I WANT TO BE ABLE
to enjoy all my rights

PREVIOUS: Outgrowing …. #3

WOMEN:  What “She’s too nice” means
MEN : Break “Nice Guy” Stereotype

 

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.   TOOL 2. SELF-WORTH
                      TOOl 3. ASSERTIVENESS
TOOL 4. HAVING RIGHTS
++ To outgrow P-P we need a replacement for the Toxic Rules that drive our co-dependence. We need to know our RIGHTS. This makes us less scared, giving us the courage to ask for what is rightfully ours, diminishing the grip of co-dependence

Instead of having to ‘sing for our supper’, we want to acknowledge & act on RIGHTS which are everyone’s birthright. They are strictly for our benefit, not in order to be ‘good’ or to take care of others.  As we start living by them, eventually they can become automatic!

❤︎ YOU have a RIGHT TO :
✑ Think, Feel, Speak & Act according to your True Self
✑ be treated respectfully, no matted the circumstance
✑ never say “I’m sorry” for being yourself, or just for being here & taking up space 😎
✑ discover your passions & pursue them without interference
✑ appreciate yourself whenever you stand your ground
✑ not feel guilty for taking care of yourself or saying ‘no’
✑ take time out to answer a Q or request (“I’ll let you know”)
TO :
✑ not care – so much!  You can’t carry the burden of all the world’s problems – there are too many, just as the whole world can not care about yours. And since none of us has the power to fix another person, you can stick to handling the things that matter the most to you, to get the most out of your efforts

✑ offer no justification!  Don’t lie, but don’t explain. Trying to prove your point – to unreceptive ears – can easily become self-humiliating. When an explanation is required, keep your answers clear & short

❤︎ YOU have a RIGHT TO –
✑ make mistakes // to not know // to be incompetent (every so often)
✑ ask for help  // to change your mind // to ask Qs
✑ not be responsible for other people’s needs, actions or problems
✑ disagree with others & express your opinion // to not respond to ‘stupidity’
✑ stop victimizing yourself

✑ be helpful & generous to others — IF you have enough PMES supplies of your own to share.  Only do what you are legitimately capable of, what fits with your own self-care needs & when you have the time (unless there’s an emergency that only you can deal with – which is rare)

✑ take time out for yourself, even a little every day – to dream, to imagine a new possibility or something creative, to process the day’s experiences, to revel in an accomplishment, compliment or triumph

✑  find & maintain contact with support systems in various parts of your life, the kinds that fit your personal tastes, your work concerns, family needs & social interests. Let others give you whatever help & encouragement they have to offer – if it’s what you need!

• Never chase perfection – there’s no such possibility for human beings. Only God is perfect. Focus on your actual qualities, natural talents & accomplishments
• Know when your kindness is being taken advantage of, speak up about it & pull back some
• Don’t compare yourself with others. Since each of us has a separate body & separate personality, we also each have our own life path. Live yours!

• Always be kind to yourself. Stop self-hating thoughts as soon as there pop up, checking to see what abandonment trigger set it off (BOOK: “Compassion & Self-Hate – An alternative to Despair“- T. Rubin)

As the Al-anon Closing says ” ……We aren’t perfect. The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while, you’ll discover that ‘though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way – the same way we already love you.”

❤︎ YOU HAVE a RIGHT to assert all these rights! (‘My Rights – Qs’)

NEXT: Outgrowing co-dep #5a

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,

THERE ARE MANY WAYS
to help myself ‘let go’

PREVIOUS: Outgrowing P-P #1

SITE : 45 Confidence Exercises…..

<—- IMAGE from : “16 Acts of Self-Care to Get You Thru 2017

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.
TOOL 1. Facing FEARS

TOOL 2. SELF-WORTH
++ Self-esteem is fundamentally the result of unconditional love! To outgrow the need to P-P we can work at providing that for ourself now, even tho’ we didn’t get it as kids. Our attention has to be internal – on who we are, what we need, what our rights are & how well we take care of ourselves

☁︎ Co-deps base a lot of their ‘value’ on how much they do for others. This is self-defeating, guaranteeing ‘failure’, because :
• it’s only about action rather than personal identity, external vs internal
• we’re selfishly using others as a prop for our WIC’s distorted self-image
• we’re dependent on the unpredictability of how others respond to us
• we can never do enough for some people, so we’ll always come up short
• we can never fix anyone else’s pain, & even if it were possible, the people we most want to ‘save’ (rescuing=false helping) are usually the most recalcitrant (absolutely UNwilling to work on themselves!)
• some people will never give us any appreciation or validation. Sadly those are the ones we chase the hardest & longest!

Self-esteem allows for INTIMACY. To be capable of intimacy we need to overcome a large chunk of our self-hate – by developing at least a working knowledge of our Rights, using good Boundaries, having access to a wider range of Emotions & a nodding acquaintance with our Inner Child, the UNIT & our True Self.PP voice

☁︎ If you’re an ACoA, your needs & emotions (Es) were stomped on & ignored. Being ‘too nice’ was one way you survived, even if your siblings chose a different way to protect themselves. What does this tell us?
That we used whatever we could to deal with an emotionally & physically dangerous upbringing.
We didn’t create that situation, SO this pattern is not an innate flaw in us. It’s correctable!  Outgrowing P-P is a combination of:
— rooting out abusive self-talk & correcting distorted ideas about life (CDs)
— consistently comforting & nurturing ourselves (self-care)

As we “get it” in our bones that we didn’t cause our need to develop co-dep – it will greatly quiet the self-hate & PP voices, which tell us that it is our fault. Then we slowly outgrow the old pattern of people-pleasing (P-P) which is one of many defense mechanisms. We are “Damaged, not defective”

TOOL 3. ASSERTIVENESS
++ Practice saying YES to the things you do want
• SUCH AS things you’ve had an interest in or passionate about since childhood, even if you never got to pursue them. Now you can pick them up, just for pleasure, or maybe to start a whole new career:
— Say yes to learning new skills that will improve your income
— Say yes to healthier friends & lovers, jobs, living space….
— Say yes to a new couch, better clothes, flowers….(when you can)
— Say yes to filling some of your down-time with ‘good, clean fun’
— Say yes to taking time out just for yourself, to rest & recharge

➤ Say YES to one thing you’ve been wanting to do (a small tattoo, a dance class, a Spiritual retreat…..), but are afraid others won’t like it or will make fun of it. Too bad. Do it anyway!

• There are other things you can be enthused about as short-term enjoyment, something or someone you’re only into for a while (maybe even a few years) and then : You got what you wanted from the experience // or you did as much with it as you could // or you’ve gradually become disappointed in it // or you, they or it has changed, & now it doesn’t suit you anymore….  You’re done, so move on & choose new PPT (people, places, things)

NEXT: Outgrowing P-P #3