al-anon

Rebellion vs COMPLIANCE (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

compliance
I HAVE TO GIVE IN or I won’t be liked!

PREVIOUS:
REBELLION vs Compliance (#1)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

REBELLION
1. HEALTHY (Part 1)

2. UNHEALTHY (cont)
b. Over-coerced (cont)
✶ Our reaction
THEN: For ACoAs in this group, being rebellious or resistant was an attempt to hang on to a fragile developing identity, in the face of our parents’ active, daily effort to obliterate it.
It was a desperate effort to resist ‘psychic murder’. As long as we were living with our family, this defense was a necessary & partially successful survival boundary

NOW: Many ACoAs from this background will become the overtly Rebellious type – at work, in relationships, everywhere.
In this case the rage at our abuse is obvious. It’s the WIC’s punforgicingowerlessness in childhood – being ineffectual at actually making any changes for the better.

But the reality of not originally having had an effect on the environment created a double bind :
“I can’t have an effect (for myself) and I must have an effect (on them).”
This often leads to socially unacceptable behavior, sometimes ending in trouble with a variety of authority figures.

These ACoAs are more likely to be:
• counter-phobic – acting like nothings scares us, & believing it
• oppositional – needing to say NO to almost everything we didn’t think of ourself, often saying “Yes, but…”

• in a relationships to feel powerful – being aggressive, controlling, the rescuer
• terrified of real commitment, choosing obviously ‘unavailable’ partners & friends, being promiscuous, not staying long, finding fault…..

Ultimately – being rebellious is not a successful or appropriate adaptation for most careers or relationships.
The whole world is not like our family – only the part that we’re attracted to or are able to ‘see’ – in order to continue relating to others in a familiar way – called the ‘repetition compulsion’.
(Post: REVERSE Laundry List & Recovery)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

COMPLIANCE
This is the opposite extreme defense – used also to protect oneself from psychic murder, & from ongoing mental, physical  &/or sexual abuse.

THEN: It looks like these ACoAs totally agreed with their parents & never tried to stand up for their own opinion & needs. Not doing so was imperative in many households, because to have had any individuality (like objecting to the abuse, or identifying the ‘elephant in the living room’) was so severely punished. These children had to be ‘good’ to just survive.

EXP: Think of Marvin Gaye, who as an adult finally stood up to his alcoholic father – to stop him from beating his mother. His father’s response: he murdered Marvin in his sleep!giving in

NOW: This compliance as adults may look like the passive resistance of rebellion, but there is a difference. These ACoAs :
• hide their rage under either cuteness & humor, or sullen withdrawal
• are often in a relationship with a bully &/or control freak
• look to others to tell them what to do & who to be
• may complain endlessly about being abused, but won’t risk a change
• are the ‘invisible’ ones around us, fading into the background
• have a greater tendency to severe depression, physical illness & suicide attempts than other types
• some can be pushed to the wall & then explode, but rarely

EXP: One compliant woman stayed married to a controlling bully for over 30 yrs. Everyone, including her kids, told her to leave but she never would. When he husband finally died, her friends thought: “Finally, she’s free. She can have a life of her own for the first time.” Wrong. She died within a year of being widowed!

• On the surface, this defensive style may result in lessening friction in the world, BUT is not respected by most people AND will cause the compliant person to slowly die inside. (Posts:“Secretly Angry NICE optistic?People“

RECOVERY
• It’s important to remember that these are DEFENSES, not our real personality, no matter how much it feels like it!

✶ BOTH styles are being run by the WIC in reaction – first to the original family – & now to the internalized Negative Introject.

✶✶ But much healing can be achieved to counter these defenses, with love, patience & the right kind of info.
(Posts: “My Rights // S& I – Healthy individuation“)

NEXT: ACoAs & BLAME #1

REBELLION vs Compliance (Part 1)

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 YOU CAN’T MAKE ME! (OR)
I’ll do whatever you want, so you won’t leave me

PREVIOUS: Wanting Revenge #2


REBELLION
1. HEALTHY
• This is normal for the teen years, when you’re trying to figure out who you are, what you want to do ‘when you grow up’, so you’re not a carbon copy of your parents (yuck), wanting to be part of your peer group….

• In a reasonably healthy family you’re given a certain amount of leeway in this, to grow & stretch. Healthy parents are not threatened by this stage – even if it makes them uncomfortable & a little nuts. They know you’re a separate person & will find out for yourself
• It does not mean they neglect you, ignore what you’re doing or just can’t be bothered. It means they’re watching & waiting, and caring, not overly imposing themselves – but also not OK letting you get into trouble!Screen Shot 2016-06-12 at 5.16.58 AM

• When you’re allowed to be different from your folks, can disagree with their politics, religion, philosophy of life, or just plain – what to wear – eventually you get to find out what you really like & don’t like, who the real you is!

• Kids with this kind of freedom eventually (usually by their 20’s) find they do in fact agree with much of what they grew up with – the values, tastes, lifestyle… even if expressed in their own personal way.
AND ways they are different from family is accepted & maybe even admired – or at least respected.

2. UNHEALTHY
However – if you’re reading this, you probably didn’t grow up in that kind of family!  As ACoAs:
a. Neglected : if we were ignored, unguided, un-nurtured – we would, of course, be left with a lot of anger, sadness, loneliness & a deep sense of hopelessness. As kids, we would Screen Shot 2016-06-12 at 5.16.16 AMconclude that we didn’t matter, were invisible, had no reason to do anything for ourselves, & are incompetent anyway.

• Maybe a relative, a neighbor or teacher took an interest in us & helped some – but it’s not the same as having our parents explain things, show us by example & help us try out things. Everything from personal hygiene, cooking, house repairs, arts & recreation, social skills – to homework, relationships, spiritual practice….

✶ Our Reaction
THEN: We spent a lot of time alone, daydreaming, hiding out, reading, studying, maybe hanging out in the library, with a friend – but not likely.
NOW: ACoAs in this group don’t accomplish as much as they could, have trouble pursue dreams, goals, talents, interests … in spite of being just as talented, intelligent & capable as any other human being.
After all, if our parents couldn’t be bothered to teach us how to do all the things kids need to know, so how can we possibly manage anything ourself ? !

• This may not seem like rebellion – but it is.  It’s passive resistance: “If they didn’t take care of me, I’m not going to take care of me!”.  True, there’s fear, a deep sense of not knowing how, but the refusal to try comes from rage, which underpins the passivity.

Even so, some of us were told that they love us – even though they rarely or never acted like it. In stead, WE are the ones who love them – desperately, no matter how cruel & neglectful. We’re the ones who don’t want to let go!

b. Over-Coerced : At the other extreme, many of us were bullied, over-controlled, Screen Shot 2016-06-12 at 5.15.41 AMmanipulated – forced to do & be whatever one or both parents (& other caretakers) wanted, with little or no regard to our individual personality.

• As kids we were considered ‘tabula raza’ – that’s Latin for blank slate. Parents of the baby boomer generation (& before) were taught that children come into this world with no identity or personality OR that they’re born bad, & it’s up to the parents to form them according the what’s ‘right’ – to write on the slate as they wished.

• Alcoholic & other narcissistic parents, who by definition had low self-esteem & fear of abandonment (FoA) themselves, could not tolerate any sign of individuality in their children, ⚡️which they stubbornly assumed to be disobedience, deliberate disrespect, even perversion!
☀️Such parents / family ruthlessly suppressed the reality that every child is born with their own specific personality type, & genetic makeup (even twins) which needs to be acknowledged & nurtured.

NEXT: Rebellion vs COMPLIANCE (Part 2)

ACoAs WANTING REVENGE (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

little devilsMAKE THEM SUFFER !
The same way they made me suffer!

Post: ANGER CATEGORY #12 – Retaliatory

POSTS: Parents Blaming Us / ‘Shame’ / ‘Guilt’


DEF: REVENGE, Vengeance, Retribution, – injury inflicted as punishment in return for abuse received
• To plot revenge – the bitter desire / obsession / plannimg to injure another for a wrong done to oneself, a loved one or others like oneself
• To avenge – actually exact satisfaction for a sense of injury, following a wrong received. Any form of personal action against an individual, institution, or group for some perceived harm or injustice.

1. AS CHILDREN
😡 Many of us hated one or more parents for their neglect & cruelty – but that was to-o-o dangerous to admit! We wished they were dead or that we were.
BOOK: “So the Witch Won’t Eat Me” by Dorothy Bloch (NY psychoanalyst) gives an excellent explanation in her intro.

a. External CAUSES
Growing up, our parents & other adults:
• neglected, attacked & humiliated us, assumed the worst of us… blamed us unfairly for everything
• AND didn’t allow us to defend ourself, never bothered to ask for our point of view or experience, didn’t believe us, weren’t on our side nor defended us

b. Internal – As children WE:
• are vulnerable to & at the mercy of our caregivers
• think in B & W, simple cause & effect, so a believe in JUSTICE – that the world SHOULD be fair
• AND, assume we’re the center of everything, therefore everything that happens to us is about us (good or bad)!
SO
It makes sense to a kid’s mind that, when our parents hurt us —
• they were justified in what they were doing to or not doing for – us
• somehow we caused it, even if we couldn’t figure out what we did wrong
• we deserved whatever was dished out: “The gods punish us for our own good (a lesson) & because we deserve it (being bad)!”
BUT
• we were in constant, intense pain.  Even though we had no choice but to accept blame, still – we wanted it to STOP! Of course.
• no one else seemed to notice or care – no one helped (maybe someone did try, but it didn’t work out & we stayed trapped)
• we couldn’t get any justice from them (they didn’t care how their abuse effected us)
• they got away with it – were never held accountable! UNFAIR
AND
• we tried & tried – to figure it out, to change ourselves and get them to change, to protect ourself & others in the family
• but nothing got better, so we got more & more frustrated and hopeless
• failing to MAKE adults stop hurting us, our sense of danger never left

• whivoodooch led to getting angrier & angrier. Being powerless in an unsafe family, especially one that was actually life-threatening – will always generate RAGE
• and after all – fair is fair – eventually we began to have fantasies of REVENGE, to even the score, so the world would be in balance again.

Without help, comfort or a way of escape, we had to suppress the pain as best we could, but our fantasies scared us.
We could’t attack our parents directly, because —
– we were too dependent on them
– they had some positive qualities we used so as to deny the bad ones
– it wasn’t safe to rebel outright (severely punished if we did try)

We needed to deny our fury at them. We weren’t big or strong enough to punish ‘those mean, stupid adults’ the way they deserved, so we did the next ‘best’ thing :
• Masochism, Revenge in REVERSE – some took it out on ourself (self-mutilation, fantasies of being hurt/ tortured, tried suicide either directly or by dangerous activities….) as a way to punish our abandoners

• Sadism – directly abusing others : As kids, some of us hurt smaller, younger, weaker things, such as:
— an older child hitting, hurting or even killing a new child in the family
— physically torturing birds, cats….
— stealing, hiding or breaking other’s toys & possessions
— bullying (at home, neighbor kids, at school, later – on line….)
— making fun of someone’s disability…

NEXT: Wanting Revenge #2

PARENTS BLAMING US (Part 1) 

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , , , , , , , , ,

being blamedWHY IS IT ALWAYS MY FAULT?
No matter what I do, it’s wrong!

PREVIOUS: Rebellion vs Compliance #2

SEE posts : What is Guilt?
• What is Shame?
• ACoAs’ Need for Revenge


INTRO
There is a lot of talk in the ‘spiritual’ community about forgiveness, ie – that we should not be blamers.
Not blaming ourself (S-H) or others (attacks) is a good rule for us in the present – now that we’re adults. And that’s a discussion for another post.

However, those same teachers & preachers never talk about what was done to us as kids – that among many other types of harm, our parents unfairly, inappropriately blamed us for all kinds of things – and what that did to our tender & vulnerable developing sense of identity!

This post is about what happened TO US as children. A hallmark of alcoholic & other emotionally unhealthy families is the mistreatment of their children in all 4 of life’s aspects: Spiritual, Emotional, Mental, Physical (PMES).

😿 Parents blaming their children for ANYTHING is ABUSIVE. Blaming us is the same as holding us responsible for their deficiencies & unhappiness.

Remember – abuse is not just Physical, in its various forms. Abuse encompasses all the ways people harm others – especially their children – by injuring another’s rights, self-esteem, mental clarity, sense of safety, emotional equilibrium & boundaries. So Blame fits into the other 3 categories – M, E & S..

👥 A variation on parental Blame is a constant and negative COMPARISON of a living child to a dead or other living sibling, another relative, a famous person….  “Why can’t you be more like ____”

1. IN OUR CHILDHOOD
✅ Damaged parents blamed YOU for things WHICH :
a. were NOT your fault
• your difficulties because of a learning disability, like dyslexia or ADD
• the illness or death of a parent; a parent being left by a lover or spouse..

b. was a projection of what the parents were guilty of being (fearful, irresponsible, lazy, feeling unlovable, risk-averse….)

c. you were not doing what you were accused of
• being a ‘whore’ when you were too young to have had sex at all OR
• of seducing a parent’s lover/ spouse, when that adult was actually sexually abusing the child
• of using drugs when you never did – at least not at the point…) Screen Shot 2016-06-12 at 5.07.37 AM

d. you could not do, especially without any instruction, & then accused of being stupid
• when you legitimately couldn’t know something (fixing a car or other machinery, shopping by yourself, def. of a big word…)
• ‘getting’ a hard school subject
• expected to know how to fix a parent’s personal, sexual & financial problems
• forced to take care of a drunk or crazy parent, alone…
WHICH
e. were truly no one’s fault. EXP :  • an act of God
• being born with a physical or mental limitation
•  getting severely ill or having an accident…

f. you were held responsible for – something one of your siblings or other child did, especially if you were the Hero or Scapegoat (start a fight; steal or break something; get into trouble at school…)

g. your parents were jealous of, because they couldn’t do something you could, even as a youngster (a natural skill or gift), so they made that ability stupid or a bad thing

h. was mostly not true
• always lying (“Kids always lie so we can’t believe anything they say”)
• always being stubborn, selfish, too sensitive, difficult, disobedient, stupid….

➼ This last category are a group of normal childhood characteristics which:
√ sick parent cannot tolerate because of their own issues
√ occur sometimes as a defense in the child because of family abuse & neglect…
√ happens occasionally because kids are human ie. imperfect.
Those behaviors & attitudes then get demonized – which make them a ‘sin’ and more likely to continue, causing the child to TRY becoming ‘perfect’. We CAN’T WIN in a sick environment.

NEXT: ACoAs’ need for revenge

ACoAs – “Being Negative” (Part 6)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery

PREVIOUS : Negative thinking #5

SITEs: Types of Negative Thinking (Cognitive Therapy)

• 100 Positive Thinking exercises

 

 

OUTGROWING NTs (negative thinking) – Writing Exercise 

Keeping a Thought-Record every day for a few weeks will help change – or at least modify! unhealthy thinking. Once you can spot the NTs quickly, you can start changing them into better alternatives.
#1-6 help to understand the NT, & the last 4 develop better thinking:

1. The SITUATION
Briefly describe a situation you wish you’d handled better – so you can review it later
EXP: “I made a mistake at work. It made me anxious & reminded me of all the other times I messed up”

2. INITIAL THOUGHT
What came to mind first? Probably an automatic thought you’ve had many-many times before (S-H)change to positive
EXP: “I feel like a failure. If people knew the real me, they wouldn’t like me. I can never do anything right”

3. DISTORTION
Identify the cognitive distortion (CD) behind your initial thought. #2 is a combination of Self-labeling & Disqualifying the positives

4. SOURCE of Toxic Beliefs
Trace it back to a person &/or repeated events (family, school, religion….) Try to connect with the fear, sadness & hopelessness
EXP: “I can hear mom or dad saying that I’ll never amount to anything,
I’m a failure, a disappointment, dumb….”

5. CHALLENGE the Thinking
Stand back from the inner drama & list the pros & cons of your thoughts. Make sure you see the whole picture. What:
• What did you learned from similar experiences?
• How do other people handle the same situation?
• What strengths & experience do you also have?
EXP: “I’m way too hard on myself, & get overwhelmed when I try to be perfect. I don’t always succeed, but sometimes I DO..
People have complimented me on my work. I keep getting hired….”
6. Consider the CONSEQUENCES
What are the short- & long-term results if you continue Negative Thinking?  Look at the physical, psychological, professional & emotional ones – some of which may already have happened
EXP: “I’m damaging my self-esteem. If I continue to think like this it’ll affect my relationships & possibly my health. I’m always exhausted”

☛ 1-6 helps you pay attention to what’s actually going on in your head, & makes you more receptive to corrections. 7-10 focus on CHANGE

7. ALTERNATIVE thinking
Write down realistic options to your negative beliefs. Get help if needed
EXP: 🔅“I’m being unfair to & unrealistic about myself
🔅My identity is not ‘BEING a failure’. It’s not possible to be perfect!chisel positivity
🔅 I can’t succeed / achieve – every time & try!
🔅 Mistakes can be my lessons, not my downfall
🔅 I’m capable of modifying & changing my NTs

8. POSITIVE statements
Write the healthier beliefs you want to grow into. At first you’ll have to act-as-if to believe them.
Keep repeating them every day until they come naturally.
They need to be tailored to your WIC’s specific beliefs, NOT just a pat-on-the-head

EXP: A mistake is not failure. I am successful in many ways.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, & the wisdom to know the difference.”

NOTE – ACoAs get the first 2 lines backwards – then wonder why we ‘fail’.  Instead – we need to do what we can, rather than the impossible!

9. ACTION PLAN
What action can you take to support your new thinking? Make a point of going to kinder, smarter people for positive mirroring & encouragement!

EXP: “The next time I make a mistake, I won’t obsess about it. Instead I’ll focus on what I can learn – if anything – & look at my list of past successes. I’ll call a sponsor or good friend for reinforcement

10. IMPROVEMENT
With repetition, notice if you feel slightly better or more optimistic. Appreciate & validate any improvements – no matter how small – by writing them down & the sharing them with a ‘positive’ person.  Keep the list with you so you won’t forget them.   This step reinforces the psychological truth that if you change your thinking, your mood & eventually your actions will improve.

NOTE: Changing an action to fit the new beliefs may be breaking a toxic rule. At first this will not feel good, but with many repetitions & support – it will become the new norm &be comfortable. DON’T GIVE UP!

NEXT: Parents blaming us

ACoAs – “Being Negative” (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , ,

positive thinking

 EVERY DAY I REMEMBER TO FOCUS
my thinking on the good things I already have!

PREVIOUS: Being Negative (Part 4)

SITE: The science of Happiness (“Happify” Website)


TROUBLE letting go of negative thinking /talking – WHY?
• it’s strongly imprinted in our brain from years of ‘practice’
• it would require S & I from the family, which is never easy
• denial: we have a hard time noticing how often we think / talk that way

• it gives us a sense of false ‘control’
• no one would know how bad we had it growing up
• we get something out of it (Post: Negative Benefits)

• we don’t see the value in thinking/speaking positively, believing it’s for wimps, pollyannas or dummies (who don’t know what’s real!)
• we think it would be denying / our pain & suffering
• we use it to punish ourselves for being imperfect

CONSEQUENCES of Negative Thinking (NT) 
a. MENTAL: • it leads us to assume that any mistake is a failure, which will expose us to criticism/ judgment, like in our family
• tells us we should be able to make big strides quickly & easily, & that since we can’t – we lazy, stupid or hopelessly stuck
• it prevents being able to think of alternative solutions to problems
• when the brain tries to deal with a complex task, being inundated with NT slows down its capacity to process information & think clearly – by as much as 50%  (More…)

b. EMOTIONAL: • can easily lead to depression, assuming we have to be perfect, & to being trapped by our own unrealistic standards
• can cause anxiety, leading to unhealthy coping mechanisms

c. PHYSICAL: • it’s harmful to the body, since negativity lowers its defenses & subtracts from our energy
• because NTs are so painful we can easily turn to addictions to escape (food, money, sex, alcohol/chemicals, relationships….)

d. PSYCHOLOGICAL: • is an obstacle to personal growth, making any change feel too overwhelming & painful
• it makes it hard to see & acknowledge the small steps in progress we DO make
• it denies or ignores possibilities that would improve life, & prevents receiving abundance
• it wastes time & energy, which could be used to heal old wounds & pursue healthy goals
• it convinces us that any form of risk is ‘life-threatening’

e. SOCIAL: • causes many personal, social & work problems
• has a downer effect on others we’re regularly around
• prevents us from relaxing & let our guard down, always second guessing ourselves  (Cognitive Therapy Guide) 

OUTGROWING NTs – change/modify things that contribute to it:change to positive
• start with AWARENESS of what you’re saying to yourself, what’s causing the ‘stinking thinking’, & the harmful effects it has on your life (& on others)

• slowly clear up practical problems which you have some control over (changing college course, job, spouse…., pay off debts, go to 12-Step meetings, do something creative/artistic….)

• try not to actually speak any negative thought out loud (develop personal boundaries instead of giving in to S-H).
If you feel the urge to criticize or get angry about something, shift to another topic if you NEED to talk

• accept/believe that positive thinking/speaking is a big plus, personally & socially. It does NOT mean being mushy, drippy, girly, sacrificing your opinions/ tastes/ values, or never objecting to something ‘wrong’
•  if you’re depressed, get the help you need to deal with it

• become acutely sensitive to the fact that some topics you’re interested in are intensely emotional (illness, jail, abuse, death, loss, war, politics, putting anything or anyone down….)

By your logic, these topics may be ‘perfectly normal’, interesting, current…. .
But when they’re inherently unpleasant, it is not respectful to foist them on others. It can easily sour the mood of a group, bring up old pain for someone or hurt someone’s feelings.

Naturally, such topics are appropriate in a group specifically designated for that (therapy group, 12-Step programs….)

• Notice how you feel when around another person who’s always a ‘downer’. Be willing to admit you may sound like that, & work on changing your own pattern – from the inside out.

NEXT: Being Negative #6

ACoAs – Being Negative (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , ,

negativityISN’T IT CRAZY TO TALK TO MY BODY? 

PREVIOUS: NT (#3)


Negative Thinking (NT) (cont)
1. re. OURSELVES
2. re. Personal RELATIONSHIPS

3. re. Our BODY
UNREALISTIC
a. At an extreme some ACoAs are hypochondriacs —  with the disorder that makes a person believe that body ‘feelings’ are signs of a serious illness —-> even when medical science can prove otherwise.
It’s their preoccupation with health, misinterpretiimagined illnessng a physical sensation (gas, muscle ache, headache….),  making it something it’s not.

Illness becomes a part of the hypochondriac’s identity, causing relationships & work problems. It occurs in men and women equally.
Relentless NT about the body is a substitute for / defense against feeling the huge backlog of hidden painful emotions we’ve buried. And long-term, it harms our immune system (Psycho-Neuro-Immunology).

b. Body Dysmorphia (BBD) – the distorted, unrealistic image of one’s physical appearance (ugly, fat, too thin… ). Most often it’s the result having been sexually abused as a child. In extreme cases the person cannot “see” their body, only their head, even in the mirror.

ACTUAL – However, many ACoAs suffer real physical problems, FROM :
• years of addictions, self-abuse & neglect
• being under constant emotional, mental & spiritual stress as kids, plus physical/sexual abuse, later creating very real medical conditions = the auto-immune diseases

• hereditary factors in alcoholic families: birth trauma, childhood ailments, mental illness, bad teeth & gums, depression, bipolar disorder, dyslexia, ADD, SAD, EDS, severe food allergies (wheat, sugar, nuts…), environmental illness & other chemical imbalances
SITE:“…severe childhood trauma can alter developing brain”

➼ Whether inherited or self-inflicted – it’s imperative to not use NT toward our bodies. We must never, ever curse our cells or wounded parts!
If we stay fearful, worried, & project the worst, OR rage at our organs, limbs, nervous system… the body absorbs that negative energy & may take longer to heal or maybe not at all. (Cartoons re. responses to Physical vs Mental illness)

Healthy EXP: Jody had a motor-bike accident which damaged a muscle group just above one knee & caused a limp. Along with Feldenkreis & Brain Gym, she spent time doing Positive Inner Dialoguing. Pictured the injury, she talked tenderly to her leg – “I love you & am so sorry you’re hurt. I can see the cells repairing themselves using the healing energy I’m sending you. You’re important to me & I need you. I want you to be strong again… ” While the muscle took longer to heal, the limp cleared up right away & all of the damage was eventually repaired.

5. re. THINGS
• This is a more subtle form of NT – saying bad things about objects, places, events…. anything not alive. Many people think it’s perfectly ok to call things insulting names : ‘Damn that stupid chair! I stub my toe on it every time!’ or ‘My car is such a piece of shit. It’s always breaking down.’hate things

• What’s wrong with that? They don’t have feelings, so what’s the big deal? Well, it’s more of the same – projecting our painful childhood experiences onto objects, putting out more negative energy, which can get reinforced by others around us.

NOTE : Negative Reciprocal Attraction :  one person does something harmful to someone else, who then returns “the favor” with an action that’s similarly harmful (attack<–>revenge // glare<–>frown // ignore<–>snub… ). This explains why some people keep moving in the wrong direction, ie. away from ease, comfort & safety.

Reality Check
• Since the chair is inanimate, stubbing your toe may have to do with where it‘s placed, and/or the way you move thru space. In her autobiography  Nancy Friday tells of constantly getting black & blue from bumping into things. In therapy she learned that she was unconsciously punishing herself for her (repressed) rage at her mother

• And the car may be old & breaking down, but it’s not the car’s fault – maybe of the manufacturer, or yours for not taking better care of it – or it’s time to replace it but you’re mad & ashamed because you can’t afford to!

ACoAs tend to get things backwards, blaming things instead of identifying the real source of our pain. To be emotionally & mentally clean we need to identify & own:
😣 our disowned emotions (anger, hopelessness, disappointment, fear…) which then deny / ignoreget projected on to PPT

😡 that we ignore experiences which actually were harmful, then redirect our anger & hurt back on to ourself or at innocuous objects

Blatant negativity is hard to miss, but ours can be so hidden that others may never realize how often we’re thinking that way.

NEXT: “Being Negative” (#5)

ACoAs – “Being Negative” (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, knitting, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

EVERYTHING & EVERYONE sucks up my air!!

PREVIOUS: Negative Thinking (#2)

SITE: ▪︎ Complaining Rewires Brain for Negativity.… 


YOU’re thinking is too negative IF YOU :
• are always complaining about things, even when it’s in a rational, logical-sounding way, “This —- is an interesting tidbit to mull over”
• constantly notice the flaws in things (people, activities, ideas)
• have a tough time seeing the bigger, overall positive picture
IF YOU
• get a secret pleasure being negative along with someone else, or tearing something down
• see a flaw in something & just have to let everyone know, getting a little rush from being ‘right’ & superior
• think positive people are naive or fake, have low standards, easily impressed

YOU’re too negative WHEN:
• even a trivial flaw in something (good) will ruin it for you
• someone suggests an activity or product, & you’re quick to point out why it won’t work or why it’s a bad idea
• things get under your skin &you  ‘have to’ rant about them to anyone who will tolerate listening
negativityWHEN :
• others talk about the positive aspects of something – you just have to say, “Yeah, but…” pointing out its limitations or weaknesses
• something’s realistically going well, but you’ve got plenty reasons why it’s dumb, no good, won’t turn our well, is impractical ….
(from SuceedSocailly.com)

NEGATIVE thinking can come from copying our family, a personality trait that gets over-expressed, or seen as a ‘useful’ trait.  YOU:
• picked up a negative style from people we grew up with or around
• rely on negativity as a crutch in conversations. You wouldn’t know what to say if you weren’t complaining about or trashing something
YOU
• romanticize negativity, thinking it represents being a deep, complicated, tortured soul
• often get worked up about things & then vent, because it feels great
 –OR-
• are a little too rational. Not in touch with your own emotions, & don’t realize negative comments are harmful to others
YOU
• think that getting others caught up in your personal troubles is a reliable way to ‘stay connected’
• think you’re being ‘intellectual’ – as if pointing out flaws in everything (unsolicited, unprovoked) is proves analytical ability & honed critical thinking skills
YOU
• associate negativity with having refined tastes, as if putting down ‘mediocre’ things would show how discerning you are
• connect being cynical & overly skeptical about life with being ‘in the know’ or aware of how the world really works
• may think it’s just your style of humor – a way to be a clever, observational comedian or commentator. NOT!

Negative Thinking (NT)
1. re. OURSELVES
• Anyone reading this blog & other self-growth material, going to 12-step meetings & therapy – knows this category of NT is a core issue for ACoAs. It’s called self-hate (S-H) – powerful, deadly & tenacious! If our parents were unable to love us unconditionally OR not at all (no matter that they said), we concluded it was because we weren’t worth it

✶ So, our WIC is still sure that if the family didn’t make us feel wanted, safe & accepted, why would anyone else?
We think cruel things about ourself & even say them to others, while secretly being smug about being victimized by the whole universe!
Playing the role of the victim -now- allows us to not be responsible for our own life, while protecting the illusion of coming from a loving (or at least an ok) family.

2. re. Personal RELATIONSHIPS
NT (S-H) tells us we’ll NEVER:
• deserve love, validation, respect, peace, joy, success….
• even know what love is, even though we have indeed loved (children, animals, mates, activities, careers, locations, certain foods / arts …)
• be liked (much less valued) by healthy ‘normal’ people
• be able to leave bad relationships because it would condemn us to being completely alone (forever)
NEVER
• have the right to healthy, loving connections (family, friends, lovers…)
• have anything positive to offer others (personality, skills, experience..)
• have the right to look for & interact with accomplished people & other peers who we could enjoy & benefit from
SEE “The 12 Worst Relationship Mindsets” (based on CDs)

NEXT: “Being Negative (#4)

ACoAs – “Being Negative” (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery

I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ‘GOOD’ – or no one will like me

PREVIOUS: Dealing with criticism #1

<—– Adult coloring book


NEGATIVITY » Basic SOURCES
It’s the “bad things” that grab our attention, stick in our memories & often influence the decisions we make.

1. Fearful ACoAs – overtly terrified ACoAs think everyone is dangerous, laughing at us, shutting us out, shunning us….
✏️ ACCIDENTAL ‘abandonment’- some people may in fact not be there for us because they’re just living busy lives, or are depressed or not feeling well, narcissistic or otherwise dysfunctional, from another culture where relating styles are different…. BUT it’s not personal

✂️ ‘DELIBERATE’ – if we’re in fact being mistreated OR ignored, it may be that we ARE :
• with ‘people, places & things’ that are definitely unhealthy, OR simply not appropriate for us, but we stay & complain
• so full of fear & S-H that we make ourselves invisible, so others can’t connect
• depressed, needy, whiny, negative… OR bossy, controlling, micro-managing, angry or secretly superior – so others stay away

2. Angry ACoAs – oppositely, we who are constantly rageful assume everyone’s an idiot, out to get us, not doing the right thing (by us) – so we just don’t like anyone, we’re better off alone….. but we hate that too!
We’re very angry that:
• we can’t seem to get away from trouble
• others have ‘entitlement’ – to good things that we don’t
• we can’t seem to get it together to have a life when everyone else is moving forward
• everyone gets ‘away with murder’, sometimes in general, sometimes at our expense, & it’s not fair
• we’re convinced everyone’s thinking about us & it’s all bad…

NEGATIVITY in Angry & Scared ACoAs comes mainly from:
• projecting what our parents did to us (& maybe still doing) onto ‘innocent’ people in our environment
• choosing & staying with unavailable or unkind people
• constantly disappointed by our unrealistic expectations of others
• NOT asking for what we need, want or don’t want
• not having permission to pursue our goals & dreams….

BOTH fearful & angry types need to :
• identify & acknowledge our CDs
• take back our projections (own our damage)
• learn what healthy vs unhealthy behavior is
• learn & accept our Human Rights
• identify who is genuinely safe & who’s not!

‘Spiritual’ – At the OTHER EXTREME are the ‘good girl / good boy‘ ACoAs who can never allow themselves to think (much less say) anything bad about others – no matter how rotten someone treats us! It’s fine for others to abuse us but we can’t even think they might be wrong, much less be upset with them! If we do, we feel ashamed, guilty & berate our lack of compassion

We believe that if we let ourselves think badly of others (who have earned it) that it would make us just like our parents who were mean to us & we don’t want to be anything like them!

So we try to be ‘above that’ by excusing others’ bad behavior, while judging our negative thoughts (& anger) by saying :
• it’s not nice, it’s not being fair to them, they’re hurt too
• it’ll hurt their feelings, they didn’t mean it, they can’t help it
• it’ll come back on me (like a boomerang), it’ll cause bad karma ….. mental health

🙏🏼 There are plenty of religious & self-help teacher who reinforce these distortion. It’s called ‘taking the High Road’, BUT …
✶…. for us – it’s just used as a form of denial, a way to not acknowledge & accept that there are inappropriate or unhealthy people we need to stay away from

Ignoring the selfishness, rage, abuse & disrespect we experience from others keeps us from leaving them as soon as we first notice it. We stay attached to abandoners & abusers, validating our victim status & adding to our pain

👎🏽 This type of ‘being-positive’ thinking is harmful to us because it ignores a huge chunk of our reality. It actually white-washes mistreatment.
✶ Clearly seeing and naming toxic people & situations is not a form of Negative Thinking!
It is what mentally clear / emotionally healthy people do, automatically & easily. It doesn’t always need to be said out loud, but it does have to be acted on – by staying at arm’s length or staying away.

NEXT: Being Negative #3

ACoAs ‘Being Negative’ (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

negativityI FEEL STUCK – could it be what I’m thinking?

PREVIOUS: Dealing with criticism #3

SITEs :  ▪︎ Depression & Letting go of Negative thoughts
▪︎  Positive Power of Negative Thinking (balancing view)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


NEGATIVITY BIAS – is the tendency to register unpleasant stimuli more quickly AND to focus on these events.
People pay more attention to the negative as we try to make sense of the world, so we feel the sting of a rebuke more powerfully than the joy of praise. (More….)

T.E.A. : Negative Thinking is used as a defense mechanism against painful Emotions, & is a way to obey the Toxic Beliefs, which generate unhealthy Actions

OVERVIEW – A very IMP distinction
When ACoAs express emotional distress of any kind, we are often told: “You’re just being negative”.
This is absolutely an incorrect evaluation. The scolding phrase actually refers to our thinking, never to emotions!
Yes, cognitive distortions (toxic beliefs) do create painful emotions, but the thoughts come first, and NO emotion is negative, no matter what the ‘teachers’ say!

CONSIDER: Anything negative is by implication bad.
But emotions are not bad, because they give us tremendously important info about our experiences. Don’t try to change emotions, only toxic thoughts (& the negative behaviors that follow)!

ALSO: Now when we’re in deep pain because of some current event (death of a loved one, loss of a home, a serious health problem, re-experiencing an old trauma….) it’s imperative to not let anyone tell us to “snap out of it / you’re being dramatic / be grateful for X / let go of the past…..”
❣️ We have a right to feel whatever we’re feeling!
What needs to be monitored is our thinking, and stop any based in bitterness, blame, hopelessness, guilt, panic, rage, S-H, shame ….

Negative/toxic thinking (NT) is a form of torture, like self-cutting!
It’s based on Toxic Rules (reinforcing our S-H) and in CDs. It’s when we:
– assume the worst     – believe everything is hopeless
– are surnegativitye we can’t do a lot of things
– think it’s too late, we’re too old….
– can’t see or imagine possibilities
– ignore available options
– limit our vision & dreams
– lose self-respect & confidence

• When we’re in a negative state of mind (obsessive NT) we give off a vibe of fear & powerlessness that brings us & everyone around us down.  It shows in our overall presentation:
⛈ our words -of course-, body language, being emotionally distant, mentally distracted, not listening to others, emotionally distant, antsy, surly….
Being constantly in a negativity space encourages the attraction of other miserable people & situations, while obviously repelling anyone or anything happy, positive & forward-looking.

• For ACoAs, it also reinforces our sense of ‘not belonging’ & feeling disconnected – ie. abandoned, which then make us even more pessimistic! It acts like an underground warren of termites, eating away at the foundations of our self-esteem, sense of purpose & love of life.

ACoAs still living primarily from the WIC’s – ego state get most things backwards – we’re emotionally dyslexic! What is generally safe in the world we ignore or think is dangerous, while being drawn to what is actually dangerous or inappropriate, often considering it acceptable, exciting or ‘feel good’. Identifying what is & isn’t NT about others is a must.

NEGATIVITY (focused on the bad side of things) can be about:
• ourselves (S-H) & future prospects (“I’ll never be happy…..”)
• events (“That party was painful”, “This dinner is going to be dull.”)
• other people (“I’d have friends, but everyone I know is so boring.”)
• people’s actions (“He made the lamest joke”, “Wow, she’s shallow”)

• general groups (“I hate hipsters. They think they’re better than me because they listen to crappy obscure bands.”)
• larger, more abstract organizations or institutions (“My city is so shallow”, “Everyone in this company is so selfish”, “I have nothing in common with my society”)
• any form of art, by being overly critical, nitpicking, never appreciating or enjoying anything (“I couldn’t get into that movie”, “No one writes good music anymore”)

NEXT: Being Negative (Part 2)