ACoAs – “Being Negative” (Part 3)

sucks my air!!

PREVIOUS: Negative Thinking (#2)

SITE: “Depression & Letting go of Negative thoughts

YOU’re too negative IF YOU :
• are always complaining about things, even when it’s in a rational, logical-sounding way, “This —- is an interesting tidbit to mull over”
• constantly notice the flaws in things (people, activities, ideas)
• have a tough time seeing the bigger, overall positive picture
• get a secret pleasure being negative with someone else, or tearing something down
• see a flaw in something & just have to let everyone know, getting a little rush from being ‘right’ & superior
• think positive people are naive or fake, have low standards, easily impressed

YOU’re too negative WHEN:
• even a trivial flaw in something (good) will ruin it for you
• someone suggests an activity or product, & you’re too quick to point out why it won’t work or why it’s a bad idea
• things get under your skin & ‘have to’ rant about them to anyone who will listen
• others talk about the positive aspects of something – you just have to say, “Yeah, but…” pointing out its limitations or weaknesses
• something’s realistically going well, but you’ve got a dozen reasons why it’s dumb, no good, won’t turn our well, is impractical ….

NEGATIVE thinking can come from copying our family, a personality trait that gets over-expressed, or seen as a ‘useful’ trait. SOME onegativityf us:
• picked up a negative style from people we grew up with or around
• rely on negativity as a crutch in conversations. You wouldn’t know what to say if you weren’t complaining about or critiquing something

• romanticize negativity, thinking it’s being a deep, complicated, tortured soul
• often get worked up about things & then vent, because it feels great
• are a little too rational. Not in touch with your own emotions, & don’t realize negative comments are harmful to others

• think that getting others caught up in your personal troubles is a reliable way to seem ‘deep, serious….’reasons for NEG
• think you’re being ‘intellectual’ – as if pointing out flaws in everything (unsolicited, unprovoked) is a sign of perceptiveness, analytical ability & honed critical thinking skills

• associate negativity with having refined tastes, as if putting down ‘mediocre’ things would show how discerning you are
• assume being cynical & overly skeptical about life with being ‘in the know’ or aware of how the world really works
• may think it’s just your style of humor – a way to be a clever, observational comedian or commentator. NOT!

Negative Thinking (NT)
• Anyone reading this blog & other self-growth material, going to 12-step meetings & therapy – knows this category of NT is a core issue for ACoAs. It’s called self-hate (S-H) – powerful, deadly & tenacious! If our parents were unable to love us unconditionally OR not at all (no matter that they said), we concluded it was because we weren’t worth it.

✶ So, our WIC is sure that if the family didn’t make us feel wanted, safe & accepted, why would anyone else?
We think cruel things & say them to others about ourselves, while secretly being smug about being victimized by the whole universe! Playing the role of the victim allows us to not be responsible for our own life, in the present, while protecting the illusion of coming from a loving (or at least an ok) family.

2. re. Personal RELATIONSHIPS
NT (S-H) tells us we’ll NEVER:
• deserve love, validation, respect, peace, joy….
• even know what love is, even tho we have indeed loved (children, animals, mates, activities, careers, locations, certain foods / arts …)
• be liked (much less loved) by healthy ‘normal’ people
• be able to leave bad relationships because it would condemn us to being completely alone (forever)
• have the right to healthy, loving connections (family, friends, lovers…)
• have anything positive to offer others (personality, skills, experience..)
• have the right to look for & interact with accomplished people & other peers whom we could enjoy & benefit from
SEE “The 12 Worst Relationship Mindsets (based on CDs)

NEXT: “Being Negative (#4)

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