ACoAs

Relationship FORM B. (Part 3)

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WHEN I’M HURT I DON’T WANT TO ‘keep the focus on myself!’

PREVIOUS: FROM B. (#1)

 

REVIEW: KtFoY (keep the focus on yourself), in Part 1


Relationship FORM B
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHEN YOU ___________________________________________
I FEEL  _______________________________________________
& BELIEVE THAT I AM ____________________________________
These are my thoughts & feelings, which are not your fault, and which
you’re not responsible for.
HOWEVER, I’D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD ______________________________________________________
WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO TRY THAT? ___________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EXP 2.
WHEN YOU (As) – spend too much time talking to other people (especially to ___) when we’re out together
I FEEL (Es)  – invisible, disrespected, humiliated, angry, hurt, lonely
& BELIEVE THAT I AM (Ts) – not attractive, not desirable, boring, a burden to you
These are my …
HOWEVER, I’d APPRECIATE it if YOU WOULD (As) – pay more attention to me, include me in your conversations, show people I’m important to you, maybe even brag a little about me to others… 🙂
WOULD YOU BE WILLING….?

RESULTS
Re. US
• ACoAs unconsciously expect others to know our needs without having to say anything. This is ‘mind-reading’ & not kosher to expect. It comes from the WIC, whose needs were not met sufficiently at a very young age, when we genuinely needed mom, or someone, to consistently know what to do for us, especially before we could talk.

🗝 NOW we refuse to ask for what we want & need – not just because we’re not ‘allowed’ but because that wounded part of us insists (unconsciously) that if we have to ask – whatever we get doesn’t count!
What the WIC doesn’t realize if that ADULTS are supposed to ask.

• Although our intense anger & hurt is from inside, we can have a ‘legitimate beef’ if the other person consistently disappoints or abuses. It will take some work for ACoAs to know the difference – by identify our specific needs and human rights, speak up for the WIC from the UNIT

Re. THEM
• If you’re dealing with an older child or teen – the way to handle them will be quite different. You’ll need to be more assertive but not punitive, & may need to insist they ‘behave’ by your rules.

a. But if you’re dealing with a self-centered, immature, narcissistic adult, they’re not likely to do as you ask – even if they promise to.
With anyone who is that heavily ‘armored’, you probably won’t get anywhere.
They may not even be willing to look at the ‘dumb’ form you worked so hard to fill out!

• In that case the purpose of the Forms A. & B. is for YOU to be clear about the issue, & stay awake to who / what you are dealing with.
You may have to decide to distance yourself, if not physically, then emotionally.
Save every form, & fill a new one out each time a new ‘issue’ comes up, for you or from them. Only show them to someone trustworthy, like a sponsor or therapist. The forms are NOT to be used to beat someone up, or to hold resentments

b. re. their annoying or harmful actions, such as —
• at home : ruining furniture, breaking objects, throwing important things out…..
• in public : revealing too much, over-explaining, not answering direct questions…..
• inter-personally : promising but rarely coming thru, not listening, not holding up their end of responsibilities…..

✒︎ ….  one possibility is that the person has ADD, OCD, dyslexia, serious depression… & isn’t getting the right treatment for it.  So they may not be able to stick to an agreement, even if they want to.

EITHER WAY: If the person balks – at listening to your request, at considering it or at actually doing something differently – it’s important to ask “why not”:
✓ is it the way you’re stating the request or need?
✓ what would it mean to them to comply? the personal cost?
✓ what worries them about your request?
✓ can they give you an alternative action they are willing to do – but only if it’s legitimate and acceptable to YOU – for you to consider?

• Of course, if they listen with an open heart, you have a chance at getting some of your needs met
• Even if the person’s response is favorable, don‘t expect miraculous shifts.  We all take time to change. Be willing to remind then, nicely!

Start the sentence with “Please, would you … / Do you remember you said you would be willing to…’ , rather than angrily:
“You never… / Why haven’t you… / You promised to…”!

• ALSO, you may need to be more assertive, more pro-active, more visible – to not be a victim of other people’s personalities & / or their damage.  🪒 ASK, ASK – nicely!

NEXT: ACoAs – Being Visible – #1

Relationship FORM B. (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs


PREVIOUS: FROM B. (#2)

 

REMINDER: The term FEEL has 3 totally different meanings : 2 legitimate = physical sensation & emotions. The 3d not = it’s regularly miss-used to indicate THOUGHTS.
 This makes communication – with oneself or with others – very confusing, especially for ACoAs, since we already have trouble knowing what we really think or feel half the time!  (see Post)

The EASY way to tell the difference:
a. Emotions are always one word – sad, happy, angry, sexy, lonely….
NOT to be confused with Physical feelings, also one word: hungry, thirsty, tired, strong, healthy, ….
b. Thoughts are always a sentence, often starting with “I feel that you…. / I have a feeling that he’s not…../ I feel like____….” which is the dead give-away they’re not going to talk about Es, even when they’re implied.

When most people are asked how we feel, the answer rarely is what’s we are actually experiencing emotionally or physically. It’s most likely about actions, & often native beliefs, such as:
✎ what someone else said or did (Ts or As )
✎ about what we’ve done or want to do
✎ what we’re Thinking, even if we don’t really hear ourselves!
✎ or what we’re afraid others will think of us

Relationship FORM B. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHEN YOU ___________________________________________
I FEEL  _______________________________________________
& BELIEVE THAT I AM ____________________________________
These are my thoughts & feelings, which are not your fault and which
you’re not responsible for.
HOWEVER, I’D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD ____________________________________________________
WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO TRY THAT? _______________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EXP 1.
WHEN YOU (As) –  I appreciate you washing the dishes, but you keep on putting the sharp kitchen knives ‘face up’ in the silverware drain
I FEEL (Es)  – very angry, because I often hurt my hand reaching for a fork or spoon
& BELIEVE THAT (Ts) – my welfare isn’t important to you
These are my …
HOWEVER, I’d APPRECIATE IT IF YOU (As) – would remember to always turn the knives ‘points down’!Screen Shot 2016-06-18 at 6.11.20 AM.png
WOULD YOU BE WILLING…..?

Re. YOU
In general, this kind of communication “WHEN YOU…..” can be applied to your children, spouses, employees, maybe even a boss.
• Start by validating that this situation is real. Even if it’s trivial, you’re having a reaction, so honor that first.
• Identify if it really is effecting you, OR it’s just something you personally can’t stand. EXP: Someone leaving dishes in the sink unwashed – may be annoying but doesn’t actually do you any harm, whereas someone verbally dismissing or attacking you – does!

• Evaluate how severe it is (1-10) in relation to your specific needs, in relation to the bigger picture & to what is ‘normal’, real, healthy….
• Decide what you can do to help yourself if the other person can’t or won’t hear you & make a change. No matter what the issue, in many cases you will have to repeat the request over & over, which will try your patience 🥀 🥀

• Depending on how serious the situation is, you have the right to how you feel and what you think about it. Work on the trigger from the past, do some writing, some pounding on the bed when you’re alone, talk about it in Meetings & therapy. Help your WIC deal with the Es & correct any false beliefs you may have (S-H, paranoia….)

Re. THEM
Once you’ve figured out why this situation is bothering YOU (if “it’s hysterical it’s historical”) then you might want to ask them why they are / are not saying or doing this thing.
Most of the time they don’t know OR won’t tell you, but any info you get will help you cope, especially if the issue  doesn’t go away. We usually can bear an irritant better if we know the cause – especially since most of the time it has nothing to do with us!

• If nothing changes, at some point you’re going to have to step back & “zip the lip”! Constant complaining is irritating, and ensures that the recipient will become resentful &/or close their ears to you – guaranteeing a stalemate.
It’s also a good time to PRAY – for them to be OK, but mainly for YOU, to have peaceful patience and to have your Abandonment fear healed!

NEXT: Part 3, EXP #2

Relationship FORM B. (Part 1)

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  Screen Shot 2016-06-18 at 6.03.46 AM
WE  SEE THINGS VERY DIFFERENTLY.
Can we understand each other better?

PREVIOUS: Relationship Form A. (#2)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

‘KtFoY’ = “Keep the focus on yourself!” 


“WHEN YOU….” Form in Part 2 & 3
• We hear from many sources that to be mentally & emotionally mature, we need to take responsibility** for our own TEAs (thoughts, emotions, actions). Yet ACoAs were taught by our family & religion NOT to think about our own needs, tastes, ideas, values… only other people’s – which means we’re not allowed to KtFoY. It’s considered:
☀︎ selfish, because it takes attention away from them
☀︎ arrogant, because we feel so worthless that we have no rights
☀︎ disobedient, because we’re not allowed to think for ourselves – only what they said was acceptable – no matter how contradictory or crazy

Can you hear the PP’s poisonous voice whispering: “Who do you think you are?”
And no matter how intelligent or accomplished, without correct info, many ACoAs don’t actually know what KtFoY means or how to do it.

REMINDER: ** Taking Responsibility is different from Self-Hate, which tells us everything bad / painful that happens to us and others – is our fault.
☼Responsibility is not about fault, but rather ownership. It acknowledges what we have or have not thought, felt or done (T.E.A.) – period.
☼ S-H adds to that :”Yes I’ve done/ not done —- and therefore I’m bad!”
This is not KtFoY.

•  Taking responsibility without S-H allows us to determine who did what – if anything – & if there is anything we can learn or correct for next time – without shame or recrimination.

NEGATIVE USE:Screen Shot 2016-06-18 at 6.16.44 AM
• Some ACoAs will use KtFoY to justify being selfish, thoughtless & inconsiderate – coming from their narcissism. Like : promising to do something important for another person, & then flaking. When confronted, they may say “Oh, I just needed to take care of myself” – without considering the consequences to anyone else.

• Other ACoAs think they’re being righteous when they use their version of KtFoY – but only to point a finger. Like: “I feel that you…. should be more… are being stupid for staying with… don’t know what you’re talking about… ought to do…”

POSITIVE USE:
•  Identify the thoughts & emotions YOU are having about a situation, leaving out as much reference to others as possible. That may take some soul-searching, but a good way to find out what’s going on inside is to ask what the the Inner Child or the PP is going on a about.
Either one is having some old emotional reaction – the direct result of our thoughts – wrapped in a cognitive distortion & Toxic Rule “If it’s hysterical it’s historical”.

•  Then, if appropriate, write or state what you’re thinking & feeling. Of course you’re reaction is in response to something or someone else, but it’s YOUR response, regardless of that they do or say. focus on self
Such as:
☼ re. Es: ‘When you talk like that it hurts my heart!’ or  ‘It’s very painful for me to watch you harm yourself’  or ‘I get so angry when you disappoint me, over & over!’
☼ re. Ts:  “I simply don’t agree with your assessment of the situation” or “I don’t understand why you keep …” or “I know I didn’t do that, even if you don’t believe me”….

✒︎ Notice that these are all “I”  statements. It’s the best way to communicate, because it eliminates blaming or trying to control.
It also stops most people in their track – it doesn’t give them much they can use to escalate. They can of course divert your attention by changing he subject, or just make fun of what you said.
Hopefully it greatly cuts down on defensive, angry & resentful responses

REMINDER: Don’t wait endlessly before saying something appropriate about an annoyance or a serious problem. Otherwise you’ll just be in a rage & any communication will be short-circuited.

SO, back to these forms – regarding something another person has done over & over that bothers you a lot. Notice:
☆ Form A. was about a future event that worries / angers you
★ Form B. is about recent but ongoing past actions, you wish would stop. Examples in Part 2 & 3.

NEXT: FORM B. (Part 2)

Relationship FORM A. (Part 2)

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couple troubleSOMETIMES IT SEEMS THAT
relationships are more trouble than their worth!

PREVIOUS: Form A. (re. forms: Who, What, When –#1


FORM A: “IF I WERE TO LET YOU…”
1. WHO / 2. WHAT / 3. THEN

4. WHY: It’s important to know what your motives are in sharing these forms with another. The 3 main possibilities are:
a. as another manipulation, so you can change the other person, to get them to do what you wan. Ask, don’t demand or assume.
b. to open lines of communication, & be able to talk about the topic /situation – if you’re both willing, & possibly lead to a better outcome (Actions) or at least a resolution of conflict (Emotions & Thoughts) – Ts, Es or As.
c. to get as clear as you can about your own thoughts & feelings, regardless of the other person’s ability to hear you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IF I WERE TO LET YOU  (As)  ______________________________
I WOULD FEEL (Es) ____________________________________
& I’M AFRAID of THAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE (Ts) _______________
__________________________________________________
SO I PREVENT YOU FROM________________________________
BY (As & words (Ts) _______________________________________
even tho’ I’ll still end up angry & resentful (Es),  that’s
LESS SCARY than having to experience :_____________________
a. FEEL (Es) _________________________________________
b. & DEAL WITH (As & Ts) _______________________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EXP 2:
IF I WERE TO LET YOU – go back to school
I WOULD FEEL – envious & scared
I’M AFRAID OF THAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE – that it will take up all your time, so you won’t have any time for me, & I’ll be the dumb one, won’t be able to keep up, you’ll lose interest in me…..
SO I PREVENT YOU FROM – registering for classes
BY – trying to convince you it’s too expensive, too hard, you don’t really want to go, you don’t need it because you’re smart enough….
…. even though I’ll end up feeling guilty, that’s
LESS SCARY than having to FEEL – alone, frustrated, helpless, vulnerable, hopeless
or DEALING WITH – paying for things by myself &/or for you, not having any company  evenings & weekends, not being able to do some of the things I want to do because I have to help you…

NOTE that most of what you write on these forms isScreen Shot 2016-06-18 at 5.44.30 AM your WIC’s reaction to a situation (or copying your PP) – no matter what the current reality is.
✐ If it’s the PP, ask it to step back, get out-of-the-way, leave you alone. Say “You’re not helping!”
✐ If it’s the WIC (more likely), give the kid a hug, repeat: “You’ll be OK, I’m here, you’re never alone. I can handle it. We have other options….” Then use any positive tool to support your Adult self.

WAYS to COPE no matter the outcome
Who the other person is will have some bearing on how you deal with this. Could be a sibling or your own child, even an order parent, but most likely a mate.
Your evaluation of the situation may be quite accurate – you will not have much time with this person if they’re in school – depending on their class load. So, instead of just panicking, ask yourself:

Re. YOU
• what buttons from my background is this pushing in me?
• what tasks (if you live together) can I stop doing, so I don’t feel so used?
Even if that makes you uncomfortable, in the long run it’s better than being resentfulScreen Shot 2016-06-18 at 5.46.33 AM.png & a victim
• If this happens, will there be things I can do to help ease the situation for both of you? Ask the other person for suggestions

• Where can I connect with a support system, so I’m not so alone?
• is there something I can be studying on my own, that doesn’t cost a lot? even if I don’t get credentials right away

TOGETHER
• Will having him/her go to school be beneficial to us both, in the long-run? Better job or career, more money… will I feel proud of them?
• am I willing to wait (1, 2, 4 years)?
• if no, am I really prepared to leave? If not, then own that decision & don’t sulk or punish the other person because you choose to stay
• if yes, what can I do with my empty time? Things I always wanted to do, but haven’t yet?
You can be growing on your own or with friends so you’re not left behind….

➼ These (Part 1 & 2) suggestions are just 2 possible ways to use this form & some healthy ways of dealing with a situation. Start by looking at your own buttons (sore spots) & negative thinking. Always remember “keep the focus on yourself.”

NEXT: Form B. “WHEN YOU…”

Relationship FORM A. (Part 1)

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discussing 

RELATIONSHIPS ARE SUCH A PAIN!
I’m always dealing with some c—-p!

PREVIOUS:
Healthy Adult / Loving Parent – #3

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


FORM A: “IF I WERE TO LET YOU…”
ABOUT: ACoAs did not have good role models for communicate clearly, directly & honestly.
• We became afraid & ashamed to say what we really mean, how we feel emotionally & what we want or need. So it takes courage TO:
— practice listening to what we’re thinking (usually negative), & writing down our inner mental reactions to every aspect of our life
— have the courage to recognize, admit & verbalize our emotions – not just a few, like anxiety or annoyance, but the whole range
— hear the difference between thoughts (always sentences) & emotions (always one word for each)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IF I WERE TO LET YOU  (As)  ___________________________
I WOULD FEEL (Es) _________________________________
& I’M AFRAID of THAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE (Ts) ____________
_______________________________________________
SO I PREVENT YOU FROM (A)_____________________________
BY (As & words (Ts) ____________________________________
even thought I’ll still end up angry & resentful (Es),  that’s
LESS SCARY than having to experience or:
a. FEEL (Es) _______________________________________
b. & DEAL WITH my (As & Ts) _____________________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. WHO
• You’ll need to know about T.E.A. ( thoughts, emotions, actions), to fill it in accurately. This is NOT about blame!Screen Shot 2016-06-18 at 4.10.17 AM
• For it to be most helpful, both people need be able & willing to be emotionally & mentally honest – which is not always possible

• IF YOU are dealing with someone who is shut down, hostile, defensive &/or uninterested – you may still choose to show them the filled-out form, but be clear that you will NOT get what you want

2. WHAT: This is a standard form for 2 people in any kind of personal relationship – friends, lovers, mates, siblings… A starting point, only!
• ★ It’s specifically about a possible/ probable future action of the person you’re dealing with – and your reaction to that possibility
• It does not offer a correction or shift in perspective, or a Recovery way of responding. That has to be added by you
• Part 1 & 2 give examples of how to use it.  Keep several blank copies handy, for when one of you is bugged about something

EXP 1:
IF I WERE TO LET YOU – go to the party without me
I WOULD FEEL – lost & alone
I’M AFRAID OF THAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE – you’ll find someone else who’ll be more interesting & attractive to you
SO I PREVENT YOU FROM – going
BY – making you feel guilty / starting a fight / whining / getting sick ….
EVEN THO’ I END UP FEELING guilty & selfish, that would be LESS SCARY than having to FEEL – unwanted
& DEAL WITH –  the possibility of loosing you, which feels unbearable

3. THEN: Once you’ve filled it out, you will want the other person to read & respond. However, that may not always happen. If you’re with someone who is unwilling to cooperate, that’s a clear signal for you to evaluate the relationship.

However, if the other person has read it, wait patiently for the response. It may not be a new problem between you.
Re. this EXP, DO THEY? :
✐ try to placate you by people-pleasing
✐ respond thoughtfully, kindly, without being defensive
✐ insult, belittle, yell, justify, or divert attention from the issue
✐ decide to stay home so you won’t be mad at them? …..

WAYS to COPE, no matter the outcome
Re. YOU:
• Take a moment for yourself –  Give the WIC a hug & say: “You’ll be OK, I’m here, you’re never alone.”
• Consider if your assumptions are valid or not.  Are you ‘awful-izing’, or basing it on experience & intuition?  If it’s only your WIC reacting again, take time to deal with it lovingly
• If you need help, call someone else (appropriate) to share your distress with, rather than creating drama. Go to a Al-Anon ACA or SLA Meeting. Read some comforting or spiritual material to help with the FoA. Go to a movie or to a friend’s place.

Re THEM:
• If you can, admit your FoA to the other person (fear of abandonment) & simply state that you will feel sad & alone if they go without you. They may not be able or willing to take you along, no matter how you feel. That’s their right.

• If you are invited – but NOT out of co-dependence or guilt, then go & enjoy. If not, make an alternate plan, for something you’ll like, on your own or with friends. Always have plan B

• IF you know you’re not just being jealous, & your concern is based on ;
✐ past experience or things the other person has said (threaten to leave, insensitive to your feelings…)
✐ you’ve had a nagging feeling or the ‘icK’ factor about them for a while, but you’ve been in denial….

…. then your FoA (that they’ll find someone else) may be realistic. Consider this minor event as a signal that something deeper is wrong – they may not BE safe or suitable for you, at all! You could start looking around – yourself.
Remember: “I know what I know”!

NEXT: Form A. (Part 2) Another example

Infatuation, Sexual or Romantic Chemistry

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HE LOVES ME, HE LOVES ME NOT
But how do I feel?

Review: Relationship Continuum & following posts

 

NOTE to Readers: If you’re interested in these topics & the other charts from the book “The Love Test”,  you can also do additional book & internet searches to read variations about these issues.  The lists below are only one version – to get you thinking & to give you a place to start from.


You may notice some similar characteristics from the previous 2 posts.

NEXT : Relationship Form A, (Part 1)

 

 

ROMANTIC ATTRACTION – Qs (Part 2)

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dancing 

I WANT TO BUILD MY LIFE AROUND YOU –
I hope you feel the same way!

Part 1: R.A.Qs, 1-30

POST: FRIENDS Inventory

INVENTORY (cont)
➼  Print out Part 1 & 2.  Put a check mark in the column which best fits your responses about a specific person: _____________ (🧡)

• Use #1 as the weakest to #5 as the strongest feeling you have about each statement. Do NOT consider #5 as ‘perfect’, only as intensity
• If you don’t know or are confused, mark #3.  You can always go back later & fill the ‘blanks’ or reevaluate your answers

• Take your time considering the Qs – think about your own experience with each person AND what you know about them
• If possible, have your partner take the same test
• Total up each column & then add them all together.

👁 See below – to interpret your scores

EVALUATION
Add up each column (1-5) – for both Parts 1 & 2. Combine all columns , to get one number for your Romantic Attraction (R.A.)
• 180 -200 = Little or no romantic interest, so it’s not likely to work out, no matter how much one of you may wants it
• 200 – 220 = Weak R.A., indicating borderline interest
• 220 – 260 = Strong R.A., enough for a relationship to be satisfying if both of you fall in this range
260 – 300 = Very high R.A., indicating a strong compatibility, if both have similar scores

• If one of you scores below 200 & the other is over 220 – especially after several tries – expect the relationship to just run its course.  Enjoy what you can & then move on
• If both of you score below 200, you’re not suited for romance, unsatisfied
BUT it makes it easier to have a satisfying & long-lasting friendship, if you want to & there are enough compatible interests

REVIEW – ACoAs (& unrecovered addicts in general) usually have relationships:
• based on interlocking damage with another person
• driven by our WIC & PP, rather than the True Self
• just to keep from feeling alone & abandoned, no matter how unsatisfying or harmful
• trying to get the good parenting we never got in childhood – from someone else, instead of from Ourself & H.P.
• that act out our deepest fears & greatest wounds
rejectionWe’re afraid:
• to stand up for ourselves – say what we want or don’t want
• that we won’t ever be able to choose better friends & lovers
• our family will disapprove of / not accept our choices
• to risk ‘everything’ on our Inner Truth

➼ A secondary GOAL of this kind of QUIZ is to get us thinking about the positive qualities we can own in ourself, as well as those we need to be looking for in partners & friends. Then we can grow into being comfortable & happy in any relationship
• Romantic excitement can not be manufactured or forced if it doesn’t already exist, but all good relationships require a level of emotional maturity, which can be improved on with continuing effort & the right tools.

NEXT: Infatuation…

ROMANTIC ATTRACTION – Qs (Part 1)

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old fahionedHOW DO I FEEL ABOUT YOU?
I’m thinking, I’m thinking!

PREVIOUS: Infatuation, Sexual…..

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

POST: FRIENDS Inventory

TO LIKE OR NOT TO LIKE, that is the question   🙂
ACoAs are often confused about their thoughts & emotions regarding others.
We  :
• were DIScouraged from knowing needs, preferences, dislikes
• & now are not allowed to have them even if we do know
• are more worried about how others feel about us – if they’ll approve or be angry at us, which leave us….
• in conflict between the damaged (WIC) & our developing Recovery (UNIT) voices

BESIDES being given distorted thinking, ACoAs grow up with little or no information about what ‘normal’ is, to help us figure out what’s going on in our head & with others.
These 2 posts list 60 questions to find out about your thoughts & emotions:
happy couple• regarding a new romance or marriage partner – OR
• review how you feel now about someone you’ve been in relationship with for a while (even yrs) but may be wondering how to evaluate it

Taken from “The Love Test” book by Harold Bessell, PhD, 1984
• The quiz is measures the degree of excitement about a specific person, & your desire for a permanent intimate relationship – sexual, mental, emotional & spiritual – with them. The focus is on the person-to-person factor, not sexual interest

• Research suggests that 6 out of 7x, a strong romantic attraction can dissipate within 3-4 months. If the desires remains after that rime, with enough contact it will likely continue for many years

• The 4 month rule doesn’t apply if there is physical distance, a fantasy connection (letters, email…) or an attraction to someone who’s not truly available. An interest in this type of lover will usually dissipate in a few days if you  spend face-to-face time with the real person

• Also, when someone has a ‘fear of intimacy’, living together or getting married may actually trigger withdrawing affection & sexual closeness. This disruption of the bond with a loved one is not from lack of compatibility but rather a person’s unresolved ifear of intimacy

• When taking the test, you will get the best results if you are NOT too tired, depressed, angry, sad, frightened or overwhelmed. If any of these emotions persist, take the test several times & see if there is a combined average
• There are no wrong answers – only your honest evaluation.
💋
INVENTORY info in Part 2  (Qs, 31-60)
➼  Print out Part 1 & 2.  Put a check mark in the column which best fits your responses about a specific person: _____________ (🧡)

NOTE: Evaluate previous partners & compare. Look for a pattern of qualities missing in any of them. Is that a coincidence?
👀 You may be able to use some of these Qs to evaluate a family member, friends, a mentor…. leaving out the romance / sex part.
🌹 Be gentle on yourself at all times, but especially if you’re a “survivor”.

NEXT : Questionnaire 31-60

‘TRYING TO LEAVE YOU’ Stages (Part 4)

dmtorbi ACoAs


PREVIOUS: “Trying to leave you” (#3)

 

STYLES of  ‘Leaving’

1. ACoA AVOIDERS (Part 3)

2. ACoA CLINGERS (cont)
b. Shame // c. Control

d. Care-taking
• We take care of them, listen, take time, help with practical things, do way more than we should, pay for everything, worry, do research, take them to get help…. We must fix them, so it’ll work out.. anything to NOT have to leave them!
• THEN we feel resentful that we’re not appreciated, that they’re not getting healthier, not treating us better, not seeing or valuing all we’ve done!

e. Guilt
ACoA GUILT is generated by breaking a Toxic Rule. Re. the current topic it’s about : “Other people’s needs & feelings are more important than mine”.
• We thoroughly believe we can’t let others know what we really think, how we feel about things that bother us, what we actually want – so we don’t ‘upset’ them, make them angry, make them cut us off

• We stay, & suffer, because to stand up for ourselves would cause us too much guilt, which we can’t bear
• We stay because the other person guilts us (see ‘victim’) – “I need you, I’ll kill myself, I can’t make it alone, no one else understands me….”

f. Victim
• We complain to everyone about how bad things are, but don’t change what we can – playing a martyr
• We threaten the other person with leaving, but as long as we’re ambivalent, they don’t take us seriously
• If the other person plays the victim card, we identify with them so much, we can’t abandon them – after all, they say they LOVE US so-o-o much!

g. Self-Hate (see posts)
• When we’re with narcissists, addicts, the emotionally immature… who can’t connect with us as equals, we feel deeply lonely.  Since we’re so used to that from childhood, we think it’s normal AND that it’s our fault!
• We’re so beaten down by the verbal / physical abuse of parent, partner, ‘friend’, boss, cult, religion…… that we believe no one else will want us/ hire us, just like our family didn’t care & told us we were wrong, a nuisance, stupid & worthless

h. Bargaining
• When we DO notice something’s wrong in the relationship, we bargain with ourselves, the other person, even H.P.:
“If he gets help / stops using / stays sober – I’ll stay”
“If we have another kids, he won’t want to leave”
OR
“If they give me a raise, change my chair, give me less work, get off my back … I can do this”
“If I help him out financially, just for a little while, he won’t be so depressed, so violent, so suicidal….“
“If she only got a job / lost weight / had more sex with me, things would be ok”
“If they give me a raise, change my chair, give me less work, get off my back … I can do this”
….  BUT we’re just conning ourself!

i. Staying too long
This is not just about friends or lovers – but ALSO about staying with teachers, doctors, therapists, school…. when it’s the wrong fit or no longer working – even clothes we’ve outgrown, homes or cities we don’t belong in ….. AND books, movies….. we don’t like at all, but finish them any way (“hate-read, hate-watch”….). LEARN : It’s OK to LEAVE!!

j. Getting Dumped
• All ACoAs have a deep fear of commitment, so will hang on & on & on rather than be on our own….. even when we know very well that certain ‘people, places & things’ are not good for us or not what we want

💔 So when it becomes painfully clear that the other person is done
with us, some ACoAs just can’t believe or accept it!  We’ll stubbornly stick around, keep pushing for an explanation, cajoling, manipulating…..
• When we do get dumped, some of us chase after the person – texting, calling, threatening, begging….

OUTCOME : Whether we do the leaving or get left, having our old abandonment pain re-awakened is excruciating! We can’t think, eat, sleep…. that childhood terror of being totally dependent & powerless to get taken care of.
HOWEVER —
✶ We are NO longer children. We can deal with the WIC’s pain & will heal it if we face  with the old damage when it gets triggered, learn to cope with losses in a new way, & CHOOSE healthier connections.

 NEXT: Romantic Attraction Qs – #1

‘TRYING TO LEAVE YOU’ Stages (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

stay sadPREVIOUS: “Trying to leave you” (#2)

 

STYLES of  ‘Leaving’

1. ACoA AVOIDERS (see Part 1)
COMMENTS
Re. ACoAs: It’s hard to make notes for each stage separately because we are so extreme – not going thru the steps at all, going thru them all in the first few weeks, or staying for years even when we know better….  We too experience endings (leaving or being left), but suffer more that people who are less wounded. So these are general observations of ACoA patterns

LEAVING:  Regardless of our style, personality type, previous experiences…. when we can’t bear it anymore – we leave, but rarely in a healthy way:
a. Even though weither ore know a friendship or relationship is dead & hopeless, we desperately try to hang on, begging, chasing, manipulating, threatening to kill ourselves….
OR
b. We cut someone off – cold turkey, without explanation – & refuse any opportunity for closure.  If the partner or friend is the Clinging type, they will be unprepared & dumbfounded.
We are angry or fed up. We don’t want to deal with their abandonment issues, their tantrums, their sulking & self hate. We don’t want to get sucked back in. Our boundaries are not strong enough & it’s just not healthy

c. One or both create such drama, fighting, emotional upheaval – that the only possible outcome is an explosion & then the big split.  We don’t want to feel our abandonment pain either – anger is a cheap, fast & sometimes cruel or physically dangerous way to get out

d. For some, no matter how bad the situation, there’s no leaving at all – only an ending when one partner dies
e. Some ACoAs are capable of more appropriate exits, but it’s rare

STYLES
1. ACoA AVOIDERS: Some ACoAs are so afraid of commitment, being trapped, being abused & then left, that they don’t have avoidersany love relationships, don’t make long-term connection, or only have short serial relationships, friends, jobs…

• If they try, they’ll go thru the 5 Stages very quickly – or stop at #2 – over & over,
♝ always finding fault with any hint of imperfection, OR
♝ always picking people & situations that reproduce the original abuse & abandonment, OR
♝ not giving healthy people a chance to develop connections that would be beneficial & uplifting

2. ACoA CLINGERS
a. Fantasy
• ACoAs often start relationships in a fantasy fog of symbiosis, all hopeful & excited. There may be very little thought, just a whirlwind of emotions (Es).
Or the thought is: ‘This time it will be different’

• Then the dis-illusionment. The other person says or does something so unacceptable – to us- that it breaks the trance of togetherness.  It may be :
✐ something TOO healthy (setting a boundary, not rescuing),disillusioned OR
✐ something truly hurtful / abusive / disappointing, OR
✐ it’s just that they triggered an old wound of ours.

• We may object, complain, attack…. but we stay rather than start over. We don’t investigate the actual source of our own reaction, & accept the unacceptable, spending all our effort covering up the problems. And then feel depressed.

b. Denial
• We convince ourselves the situation isn’t really that bad – that the mate / job / parent / sponsor / friend … has some ‘superior’ qualities we can’t live without. They may have, but it’s just crumbs, compared to the problems!

• Some of us even KNEW before we got married that this was not the right person – while walking down the aisle, but went thru with it anyway. (like Princess Diana….)

c. Shame (see posts) is caused by currently having any need some up that was regularly abused or neglected in childhood. Many ACoAs consider the Need for Love as a character defect. But needs never goe away. SO we keep picking people whose damage guarantees our continued abandonment!

c. Control
tug_of_war• We make a huge effort to change the other person so we don’t have to leave, instead of changing ourselves. We badger, cajole, lecture, push, punish, bribe, manipulate. We get back only more resistance – of course!
• We spend a lot time punishing the other person for not being who & what we want, instead of moving on or letting go of our demands & expectations of another.

NEXT: Part 4 (Clingers d. – j.)