WHEN I’M HURT I DON’T WANT TO ‘keep the focus on myself!’
PREVIOUS: FROM B. (#1)
REVIEW: KtFoY (keep the focus on yourself), in Part 1
Relationship FORM B
WHEN YOU ___________________________________________
I FEEL _______________________________________________
& BELIEVE THAT I AM ____________________________________
These are my thoughts & feelings, which are not your fault, and which
you’re not responsible for.
HOWEVER, I’D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD ______________________________________________________
WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO TRY THAT? ___________
WHEN YOU (As) – spend too much time talking to other people (especially to ___) when we’re out together
I FEEL (Es) – invisible, disrespected, humiliated, angry, hurt, lonely
& BELIEVE THAT I AM (Ts) – not attractive, not desirable, boring, a burden to you
These are my …
HOWEVER, I’d APPRECIATE it if YOU WOULD (As) – pay more attention to me, include me in your conversations, show people I’m important to you, maybe even brag a little about me to others… 🙂
WOULD YOU BE WILLING….?
• ACoAs unconsciously expect others to know our needs without having to say anything. This is ‘mind-reading’ & not kosher to expect. It comes from the WIC, whose needs were not met sufficiently at a very young age, when we genuinely needed mom, or someone, to consistently know what to do for us, especially before we could talk.
🗝 NOW we refuse to ask for what we want & need – not just because we’re not ‘allowed’ but because that wounded part of us insists (unconsciously) that if we have to ask – whatever we get doesn’t count!
What the WIC doesn’t realize if that ADULTS are supposed to ask.
• Although our intense anger & hurt is from inside, we can have a ‘legitimate beef’ if the other person consistently disappoints or abuses. It will take some work for ACoAs to know the difference – by identify our specific needs and human rights, speak up for the WIC from the UNIT
• If you’re dealing with an older child or teen – the way to handle them will be quite different. You’ll need to be more assertive but not punitive, & may need to insist they ‘behave’ by your rules.
a. But if you’re dealing with a self-centered, immature, narcissistic adult, they’re not likely to do as you ask – even if they promise to.
With anyone who is that heavily ‘armored’, you probably won’t get anywhere.
They may not even be willing to look at the ‘dumb’ form you worked so hard to fill out!
• In that case the purpose of the Forms A. & B. is for YOU to be clear about the issue, & stay awake to who / what you are dealing with.
You may have to decide to distance yourself, if not physically, then emotionally.
Save every form, & fill a new one out each time a new ‘issue’ comes up, for you or from them. Only show them to someone trustworthy, like a sponsor or therapist. The forms are NOT to be used to beat someone up, or to hold resentments
b. re. their annoying or harmful actions, such as —
• at home : ruining furniture, breaking objects, throwing important things out…..
• in public : revealing too much, over-explaining, not answering direct questions…..
• inter-personally : promising but rarely coming thru, not listening, not holding up their end of responsibilities…..
✒︎ …. one possibility is that the person has ADD, OCD, dyslexia, serious depression… & isn’t getting the right treatment for it. So they may not be able to stick to an agreement, even if they want to.
EITHER WAY: If the person balks – at listening to your request, at considering it or at actually doing something differently – it’s important to ask “why not”:
✓ is it the way you’re stating the request or need?
✓ what would it mean to them to comply? the personal cost?
✓ what worries them about your request?
✓ can they give you an alternative action they are willing to do – but only if it’s legitimate and acceptable to YOU – for you to consider?
• Of course, if they listen with an open heart, you have a chance at getting some of your needs met
• Even if the person’s response is favorable, don‘t expect miraculous shifts. We all take time to change. Be willing to remind then, nicely!
Start the sentence with “Please, would you … / Do you remember you said you would be willing to…’ , rather than angrily:
“You never… / Why haven’t you… / You promised to…”!
• ALSO, you may need to be more assertive, more pro-active, more visible – to not be a victim of other people’s personalities & / or their damage. 🪒 ASK, ASK – nicely!
NEXT: ACoAs – Being Visible – #1