ACoAs

‘TRYING TO LEAVE YOU’ Stages (Part 2)

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cutting strings

I GUESS THIS IS GOODBYE : (How could this happen to me!?)


PREVIOUS: Leaving (#1)

▼ ACTS OF DISTANCING ▼  (cont)
5. DIFFERENTIATING
4. LIMITING

3. STAGNATING
Normal: They’re still together, but with a feeling of being stuck & not knowing how to make it better or how to get out. There’s not enough meaning or nourishment to keep it alive, but being in a long-term or committed relationship makes it harder to consider leaving.

They feel disconnected & depressed/ but stay together to avoid the pain of separation
Some form of talk is needed, but if either hints at starting an unpleasant conversation, they’ll find a way to prevent it so they don’t have to invest any feelings

stagnating• They have little to say to each other, are bored with the same old stories, don’t want any confrontation, & won’t talk about the relationship because it feels pointless

“Do you want to watch that program?” <> “No, but you go ahead” , “I don’t want to hear that again” <> “I know, you’re not interested in what I have to say!”

• One or both may be experiencing personal problems & possibly blame the other, rather than facing their own issues. But when people are no longer getting their needs met from their partner, they shut down the lines of communication & turn elsewhere

• People can start punishing each other for their own disappointment & loneliness: “Well, she/he hasn’t helped me in a long time, so I’m not doing this for her/him”
– may be the kind of thinking behind further withdrawal.
💔

2.  AVOIDING

Normal: Now these 2 people who have been in a committed relationship, no longer see themselves in the dyad. They’ve withdrawn their emotions & are ‘spending‘ them elsewhere. Deep emotional distance is an indicator that the union is no longer salvageable. Each person knows in their mind  & heart they’ve detached, & need to protect themself

• They reorganize their lives to avoid being together & may even verbalize it: “I don’t want to talk to ____”.
It can also show up by sleeping in separate beds or rooms, & one or both looking for a new place to live

• People not living together will avoid calls, emails & texts.
“Leave me a message & I’ll get back to you” , “I’m really busy, so I’m sure you’ll understand if we don’t get together this week”

Usually there’s less fighting, but what’s left may be sniping, sarcasm, put-downs. Otherwise, communication is only about practical necessities, if at all
💔

1. TERMINATING (Final)
Normal: This stage can be done rather quickly or be dragged out for years.
• It’s the actual physical leaving of the relationship, with a little or a lot of psychological finality. If both parties can accept this, it makes it much easier to move on.

“I can’t do this any more. This is the end for me.” <> “Yeah, sure, whatever separationyou say.”

• When one partner has come to their ending point, it’s important & respectful (be ‘clean‘) to actually tell the other person.  This is more likely with a longer-term connection.  Often with less developed ties, one person just stops taking calls, emails…..

• Verbal messages are used to prepare for the end by only using ‘I’ or ‘me’ statements, & meant to create finality & permanent distance “This relationship isn’t working for me anymore” , “Please don’t call me again” .

• It’s not uncommon for one or both people to have another relationship, job, even a new city… waiting in the wings, even if the new ‘love’ is temporary, to get them thru the transition.
✶ Leaving may actually be a benefit to both, even if it hurts. They may need the relationship to end so they can continue their career, their personal growth or to start a more suitable lifestyle.
♥               ♥                ♥

NEXT: “Trying to Leave you” (Part 2) – Clingers

‘TRYING TO LEAVE YOU’ Stages (Part 1)

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 WE’RE NOT the SAME ANYMORE –
What’s happening to ‘us’?

PREVIOUS: “Getting to know you” (Part 5)

REVIEW: ‘Relationship Continuum‘

BOOK :“Communication Patterns & Couple (Dis)satisfaction”.

Communication Indicators of DISSOLUTION
These 5 breaking-up stages are the ‘normal’ process of separating. The amount of time varies based on individual personalities, the length of the association & the type of relationship.
• The stages are listed ‘backwards’, from most intimate to most distant: #5 = Differentiation,  4 = Limiting,  3 = Stagnating, 2 = Avoiding, 1 = Terminating. The process applies to all types of relationships, not just romantic.

ENDINGS can be made by one or both parties:
▶ When it’s mutual ….
a. …but not openly acknowledged:
both people become less & less interested & there’s a gradual fading of interactions.  There may be several attempt to -sort of- talk about it, & maybe one who is trying to fix it.
It can take a long time to actually end (this approach is more likely to be used by people with anxiety)

b. …and more direct: the couple is likely to have arguments or fights, each blaming the other, OR separation is negotiated & agreed on (less likely to try repairing)

▶ When it’s one-sided ….
a. …if the end is in sight, & the ‘leaving’ person’s reaction is indirect – they’ll withdraw, avoid contact or get more annoying to be around, drop hints, try to be friends, manipulate
b. …if it’s more direct – the person will talk about what has gone wrong in the relationship, & is able to clearly say “It’s over”,  accepting reality

FOR ACoAs: Most of the time the ending of any relationship is painful & traumatic – from a job, an old friend, family member, sponsor, therapist… & even if it was with someone we met recently or with someone we barely like!

• OVERALL COMMENTS will be in Part 3 & 4.

                              ▼   ACTS OF DISTANCING  ▼
5. DIFFERENTIATING
Normal: Two people begin to notice a gap in their togetherness, less ‘we’, more ‘me’ statements. “Working together’ is gradually replaced by separate activities.

“I don’t see how you can like that group!”  <> “Well, I guess we’re not on the same page about that!” ,  “Why don’t we go dancing any more?” <> “You know I’m too busy”

Temporary separation is sometimes tried. The situation is uncomfortable & can lead to subtle disagreements or open fights, then more time apart….
This stage can occur when:annoying
• the relationship is still new-ish but the first idealized ‘bloom’ has worn off
• they’ve been together longer & one or both are disappointed in who the other turned out to be
OR
• something they first found macho, adorable, attractive… in the other person, now drives them crazy
• for longer-term couples, their personal interests may have caused them to grow apart
• with too much one-ness, togetherness – one person misses a sense of individuality, feels resentful, held down, maybe suffocated
💔

4. LIMITING (Circumscribing)
Normal: This stage has been called the ‘slow fade’, & is more likely to occurs in committed relationships, but not exclusively.
There’s a shift in the focus from each others’ differences to constricting & limiting communication, which decreases in amount & topics they talk about. It’s superficial, kept to ‘safe topics’ they know they can agree on, avoiding controversial subjects, iScreen Shot 2015-08-01 at 7.27.57 AMn order to prevent fights

This inevitably leads to less & less real sharing.
“Who was that on the phone?” , “What are we having for dinner?”  , “Do you like the food?” <> “It’s OK.”

• There’s a definite sense of not understanding each other any more, & their concern is with protecting themselves emotionally
• While still projecting a good public face as a couple, they’ve mostly stopped telling each other anything personal
 • Sexual intimacy disappears, & if there is fighting, it’s about not being heard.
💔

NEXT: Part 2: Terminating; ACoAs Leaving

‘GETTING TO KNOW YOU’ Stages (Part 5)

dmtorbi ACoAs


PREVIOUS: Part 4 – Intensifying

❖SITE:  Irritable Male Syndrome

BOOK: Enlightened Marriage (downloadable) ˜~Jed Diamond

♥ ACTS OF AFFILIATION ♥ (cont) indicated by Types of Communication
3. INTENSIFYING / 4. INTEGRATING

5. BONDING  (Long-term)
a. Normal:  The formalizing of the connection by a public ritual (a contract) whether by an engagement, a ‘moving-in-together’ party, a marriage, signing a lease, going into business together…..

“I think you’re wonderful.  I can see myself growing old with you.”  <> “Me too. Let’s move in together. We can talk marriage later”  •  “We’re in this together for the long haul” <> “I really want this to work!”

• The written or verbal contract is a framework for how the 2 want to & should proceed. In most cases this stage indicates a desire, need or willingness to gain social & institutional support — so the couple can rely on law, policy or precedent, when necessary

• Key points to maintaining a relationship from this stage onward, include : sharing power equally, emphasizing positive committedand constructive style of communication, and making frequent connections with one another
❣️ INTIMACY includes : a private world of rules & rituals, shared meanings, understanding & synchronous patterns of actions, similar ways of interpreting their world & agreeing on what makes their relationship work

• By this time the 2 people enjoy each others’ company, feel a deeper trust, comfortability, understanding & appreciation. Age is not a factor. It implies a genuine commitment to a common future & thus makes it harder to walk away from

• Successful long-term relationships also use ongoing ‘Navigation Communication’ to prevent problems, repair breaches, deal with the ups & downs of life & manage unpleasant surprises. People are willing to adjust, accommodate & compromise (not a dirty word) in order to maintain their unity

💔 However, this level sometimes changes the nature of the relationship & can cause it to disintegrate, especially if long-term spoken or unspoken expectations are not met

b. ACoAs: many do have long-term, formalized bonding, but even when there are good reasons to stay together, the relationship is often built on shaky foundations. EXP :

• reciprocal damage, where 2 wounded people fit each others WIC ‘needs’ – one pays the child, the other partner the mother or father role; one is controlling, the other passive; one is always angry, the other always fearful…personal development

• if only one person does healing work on themselves, they may be able to keep the dyad together, because of things they value in the relationship, AND because they’re not so reactive or wounded by the other person’s damage.
Also as they change, the old ‘games’ won’t work & the dynamic interactions will shift – often for the better

• ideally, both people are willing to do Recovery work.  This may or may not save the relationship, but will of course greatly improve each individual’s life.
If there’s enough commonality between the partners (when the damage is lessened), the relationship can be re-built on a healthier foundation & grow into something precious!
🧡
OVERVIEW – Types of relationships

Source: “Relationship Typologies,” in The Cambridge Handbook of Personal Relationships 2006), pg 95. = C.A. VanLear, A. Koerner,  D. M. Allen


NEXT: Trying to leave #1

‘GETTING TO KNOW YOU’ Stages (Part 4)

dmtorbi ACoAs


PREVIOUS: Part 3 – Experimenting

 

♥ ACTS OF AFFILIATION ♥ (cont) indicated by Types of Communication

2. EXPERIMENTING
3. INTENSIFYING

4. INTEGRATING  (Short-term)
a. Normal: This is when 2 people become a couple or close friends, emphasizing to themselves & others how similar they are. They depend on each other for confirmation & acceptance of self-concepts. Verbal statements change to indicate exclusivity & separation from others

• They feel unique, taking on each others thinking, style & mannerisms. The ‘we’ increase to ‘us’, with shared Intimacy & Trophies (the key, leaving clothes & toiletries, favorite book & music…) For some dyads, it’s the stage when sexual activity may begin (if they waited), & a deepening of self-disclosure

“…it feels like we’re one person!” <> “Yeah, we’re soul-mates!”  •  “I feel so much a part of you” <> “I know, like we have the same mind!”

coupleFriends from both sides are brought together & if they’re a couple, they’re treated as a unit, receiving one invitation, one gift, one email account…..
• While they may seem to be fused, it should not mean losing one’s individuality! This is crucial for a healthy relationship
• It’s also possible for people to love each other, be friends, partners or a romantic couple – for a while, but not make it permanent. They can remain friends & benefit from the time they spent together, but it’s not required

b. ACoAs: For those of us who get to this stage –
Re. Staying
• some of us are able to keep friends & lovers, but can have extreme ups & downs, huge fights, occasional separations….

• because ACoAs have so many unrealistic expectations of relationships, we can too easily become disillusioned & depressed, spending a lot of time being critical, suspicious, feeling unloved & generally dissatisfied, while not focusing on the benefit of being with this person – if there’s enough of it
OR
• because of denial, we are willing to just go along endlessly, putting up with & participate in unhealthy patterns with our partner, rather than outgrowing them

Re. Leaving
chained together• at this stage ACoAs may still assume the relationship will last forever.  If it doesn’t, we’re deeply shocked & devastated. We’re rarely prepared for yet another loss, not willing to notice the signs, not willing to let go

• by this time we may feel so enmeshed & trapped that we can’t get out even if we feel we want to (like not being able to leave our family, psychologically)

• we may be quietly or openly desperate to leave, but won’t because of
— our co-dependence, not wanting to hurt the other person, especially if they beg us not leave (altho they may secretly want out too)
— our FoA, believing that the misery of staying isn’t really so bad, compared to the unbearable pain of separation & loneliness

• if it’s a partner, & we’re determined to break up, but can’t do it directly, we may:
— start an affair with someone else, so we don’t have to go thru an ‘alone time’. Then feel guilty & anxiously wait to be found out, maybe confessing, as if we’re being honest
OR
— create a ruckus in the relationship – fighting, verbal attacks, withdrawal, the silent treatment, getting 3rd parties involved…..

📌 In either case, we’re trying to force our partner to do the leaving, knowing they’ll be hurt & feel betrayed, then we’ll secretly be the winner, while acting like the abandoned victim!

NEXT: #5 – Bonding

‘GETTING TO KNOW YOU’ Stages (Part 3)

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I’M INTERESTED
what he’s saying

PREVIOUS: Part 2 – Experiment


♥ ACTS OF AFFILIATION ♥ (cont) indicated by Types of Communication 

3. INTENSIFYING (Exploratory)
a. Normal: ‘Partners’ start opening up, sharing deeper personal info, taking more risks.  Much more emotionally intense &/or passionate stage, using intimate language

“I love you” <> “Me too” ✥  “I think you’re the best” <> “ I’m glad we found each other”  ✥   “It’s great to be with someone with the same tastes” <> “Yeah, we have a lot in common. Makes me feel at home”

• Begin to use ‘we’, develop favorite palaces, nicknames, share / swap possessions, understand non-verbal cues, give gifts, idealize each other, even finding their flaws endearing.  People can be so excited with each other at this stage, they’ll spend hours talking – time passes quickly. There’s a feeling of exhilaration, & depending on the type of relationship, a strong sexual pull

• This is the pivotal stage. Depending on whether or not both feel a chemistry (comfort, mutual value & excitement), and if the revealed info, attitudes & activities are sufficiently shared – people either continue to #4 & #5, or fall apart.

The connection at this point may be intense but short-lived, which is a shock to some who mistakenly assumed it would last because of the surface siminfatuationilarities & the emotional / sexual intensity.

➼  In some cases, there’s an intermediate stage called “Revising Communications” – when the euphoria has worn off.
The partners are able to review the strengths & weaknesses of the relationship from a more rational place, to see if they want to go on to the next phase. If they do, they begin working thru any problems or obstacles to further intimacy

b. ACoAs: we usually rush into this stage soon after meeting! Spoken or not, the communications is something like:
“Hi, my name is Sara, let’s be together forever!” <> “”OK, I’ll keep my eyes closed, as long as you make me feel good!”

✶✶✶ WARNING: ACoAs often misinterpret the ‘euphoria’ of this stage to mean there’s real intimacy happening! Spending every day for a week deeply immersed with a new friend or lover can end abruptly when they disappear on us!
Whatever their reason – they got scared, they feel suffocated… we feel conned, betrayed, angry… & are left with an acute sense of longing!

• REALITY: We went too deep too soon, & now we’re alone – again!
• TYPICAL ACoA reaction: beside feeling rage, we obsessively ruminate on what we did wrong (S-H) without knowing what the real issues are! We either withdraw into a depressed ball or use all our energy to chase after them. We want the pain to stop & get back the HIGH. heart illusion

• REALITY: WE got it wrong. Yes, the other person is also responsible for their part, but we can only deal with ourselves.  This is supposed to be stage 3, NOT instant love! It was not intimacy.

• HINT: if a ‘relationship’ develops too close, too fast – it’s likely NOT going to be healthy or real, but coming from both WICs!  ACoAs are addicted to fantasy & magic, as powerful as any chemical narcotic.
We have to work at going slowly or we’ll keep getting abandoned.

NEXT: Part 4 (Ingratiating)

‘GETTING TO KNOW YOU’ Stages (Part 2)

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 GOING DEEPER!
Now we’re together forever – I think

 PREVIOUS: #1 Initiating

♥  ACTS OF AFFILIATION ♥ indicated by types of Communication

2. EXPERIMENTING (Potential)
a. Normal: Time for small talk, presenting our public face. The focus is on light, humorous, informative conversation:
“ Did you like Thai food?” <> “I don’t know – never tried it” . “I went to France this summer” <> “Really! I’ve always wanted to go there! Tell me about it”

• There is mutual attraction & also a desire to reduce uncertainly about one another. Telling more about oneself implies an increase in trust, & we expect others to do the same – so that neither will feel too vulnerable

• People use (secret) tests to check how attentive the other person is by how they respond to what we say (laugh at our jokes, respect our boundaries…).  Each has certain expectations of the other, which must be met for our interest to continue : being upbeat, neatly dressed, polite, interesting ….

b. ACoAs: People give us info about themselves all the time – by thchit chateir presentation, their actions & of course words — their tastes, interests, like & dislikes… and we need to PAY ATTENTION!
Yes, it takes months of regular contact to get a realistic picture of the other person, but we can glean a great deal from each conversation right from the beginning.

So after every encounter, always ASK:
“What did I learn about them? How did I feel when I was with them, & afterward? Are they moving too fast? How do they handle situations & other people?”
✶ How much are they truly reciprocating, or am I the only one sharing – OR only them?

If so – we can take that as a warning sign. They’re either too scared or too self-centered. If we proceed, we have to accept the consequences.
➼ This constant evaluation is crucial for us to do at each stage, because ACoAs have such strong training & defenses against seeing others accurately.  If the WIC likes someone AND they feel familiar (in some way like our family), WE may :

i.  be in ‘Lala Land’ = don’t want to know they may not be an appropriate fit, especially if we feel a very strong pull – so we idealize them, convinced they’re ‘the one’, or a BFF…  Actually, at this stage it’s just too early to know for sure

ii. get “the ICKs” (scroll down) = If we’re not quite comfortable with them, but they’re not blatantly abusive, we need time to find out if it’s because –learn more
— the WIC &/or PP is acting up – with self-hate, lack of trust, old buttons triggered, our FoA, weak boundaries…
OR
— the person is actually icky in some way – their damage is showing & we’re picking it up, but can’t verbalize it yet
OR
— they’re genuinely NOT suited to our True Self, no matter how smart, competent, nice, or how much they may like us.
SO – we wait & LISTEN, hopefully with a clear, fair & open mind

IMPORTANT – Going slowly will allow us to:
• see how much like our family they are or aren’t (requires knowing ourself well, & paying attention to every interaction with the other person)
• find out if they are genuinely compatible with our Real Self
AND
• observe if they can truly see us for who we are, value, admire & respect us – realistically, not just for what we can give them
• how well or badly they handle our damage/ defects
AND
• what their character defects are, & how it will impact us over time
• see if the205108791ir positives outweigh the negatives (which everyone has), so that being with them will add value to our life
AND
• how capable & willing are they to take responsibility for their own life, so we don’t have to rescue or clean up after them
ALSO, if they have a spiritual life, is it internalized? does it show in the way they live? or is it just another band-aid or diversion from unresolved deeper issues

NOTE: When someone has too many negatives – no matter how much we like or love them – they’re unsafe to be with! Take stock & be honest with yourself. Get a trusted 2nd & 3rd opinion!  If we ACoAs are willing to take these stages a little at a time & ‘stay awake; with many of our relationships – we’ll save ourself a lot of heartache!

NEXT: Part 3 – Intensifying, Integrating

‘GETTING TO KNOW YOU’ Stages (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

ARE WE MOVING FORWARD?
I never want to let go!

PREVIOUS:
‘The Relationship CONTINUUM’– 8 stages


Communication Indicators of ATTACHMENT
 This series of posts deal with verbal & psychological markers of progressive attachment or dissolution, ie. moving toward or away from intimacy.  It covers all types of one-to-one relationships (friends, lovers, co-workers, additions to family…)
➼ Each Cycle consists of INFO which is: 1. received 2. absorbed & contemplated  3. understood   4. replied to

• There are several theories about how people grow together over time, including ‘peeling the onion’ of each others’ personalities the more time we spend with them
• The NORMAL section for each level is based on the work of Mark Knapp & Anita Vangelisti (2000), from the Communication field
• For Section A there’s an additional term, in parenthesis, from the Inter-Personal Psychology field

♥ ACTS of AFFILIATION ♥ indicated by types of Communication

1. INITIATING (Non-existent – beginning)1st level
a. Normal : With people we’re vaguely aware of – communications will be rote formulae:
“How are you?” <> “Fine, & you?” , “What’s with this weather?” <> “Too much!”

Hallmark: interest & curiosity.  If we notice someone we want to know more about – we use polite, socially appropriate statements to show interest:
“Hi my name’s George. Is this your first time here?” , “Would you like to dance?”
– waiting to see how the other responds.  If it’s positive, we have time to form additional first impressions & evaluate each other.

Initial interest is governed by:
• Self-concept, which includes sexual orientation, socio-economic class, race… (we rarely move toward someone too far ‘out of our league’)
• Proximity, in person –  where we work, shop, live, go to school or church, MeetUps, meetings, dances… or in cyberspace, using social media, dating sites, forums, chat rooms ….
• Similarity – studies show people tend to form connections with others of similar attractiveness, interest, intelligence values….

b. ACoAs –  Although some of us find it hard to initiate conversation with strangers because of fear, many ACoAs have learned to open a dialogue in similar ways, but as usual bring our own twist to it.

❄️ In any group setting, we unconsciously scan the room & without even realizing it, will be pulled to the ONE person who is the most damaged, usually angry, narcissistic, the least likely to be nice to or interested in us – another ACoA & probably an addict of some sort. We may not even have heard their voice – but we KNOW! & can’t wait to ‘make friends’ !

This is more likely to happen with Extroverts. The Introverts will also focus on that one unavailable, but at the other end of the room.

🏋🏼‍♂️ ACoAs also claim to hate the dreaded “Small Talk” in any social setting.  But that’s what this stage is all about! You’re sure you don’t know how?
Actually, our refusal to even try is:
• about our self-hate, disguised as Social Phobia (everyone is judging me!)
• and we’re bursting with complains & internal drama, so we despise chit-chat as a waste of time — too much like our shallow, drunk, distant family, who never expressed a deep thought in their life!

We want depth! Translation: just let me talk about all my aggravations & worries! & don’t bother me with trivia.
We don’t realize it’s mainly our narcissism (“see me”), which includes the belief that symbiosis is the only way to connect (be like me / stay with me), which we both long for & are terrified of.

✶✶ In early recovery one young woman decided her temporary rule was: “If I like him, he’s bad for me!” As she grew, her ‘picker’ got a lot better.

NEXT: Stages – Part 2 Experimenting, Intensifying

The Relationship CONTINUUM

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

  IF ONLY I’D KNOWN SOONER
what the process is supposed to be!

PREVIOUS: Relationship STAGES

LIST of Love Addiction books by Brenda Schaeffer

 

CONTINUUM CHART – (from Hunter College 1981 notes)
➼ This is a brief outline of the appropriate & necessary stages we need to go thru to be sure we’re in healthy relationships – not perfect, but workable & suited to our true personality

WHAT
• Un-recovered ACoAs have a compulsion to skip the process of forming relationships. When we’re attracted to someone, we usually pick another ACoA &/or addict, so ‘jumping right in’ to the deep end seems perfectly natural, AND ‘desirable’.
In reality, it’s another form of addiction! (see Stanton Peele’s book “Love & Addiction” – list of ‘worst’ addictions to kick, LOVE being the hardest

• Moving at a pace that’s too fast or too slow will disturb the progress towards intimacy.  In most social situations, a creep is someone who jumps too fast from #1 to #8 – from stranger to intimacy – in one leap. Yet ACoAs do it all the time, & don’t realize it’s inappropriate!

ACoAs most commonly have one of several types of relationships:
• avoid forming any kind of closeness, or may have many casual acquaintances, keeping people at an emotional distancesymbiotic attachent
• attach ourselves to only one person, but in a symbiotic, addictive bond, with someone who can never really provide the kind of love & support we all long for
We HAVE:
• serial relationships, without depth, perhaps sexually promiscuous, as a way to not be alone but avoid commitment
•  friendships with a variety of narcissists, depressives, alcoholics or other unavailable types – & stay in these relationships for many years, living off the ‘crumbs’ we get from these people – if any!

USUALLY, ACoAs get involved with others almost overnight, without going thru the appropriate stages to see if we’re truly compatible.
WHY? Because:
a. we don’t know what the stages of ‘normal’ relationships are
b. we know how to be symbiotic, like with our family. It makes ‘sense’ to us
c. we’re so afraid of abandonment, we don’t want to take the time to actually get to know someone, in case they’re wrong for us, & then we’d have to leave them
d. we think that when we feel that ’instant connection’ it means the other person is our soul mate – that it has to be love!  It does FEEL powerful & intense, but it’s mainly narcissistic attraction from our WIC, because their damage dovetail with ours!

Contrast ‘Toxic Intimacy’ with ‘Intimacy Antidotes’ .
Also ‘Idealizing’ vs ‘Healthy Attachment’ posts

NEXT: Getting to Know You (Part 1)

 

Relationship STAGES

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , ,

GOOD RELATIONSHIPS TAKE TIME!
You mean I have to wait?

PREVIOUS: Results of abuse (the LL)

STAGES    
These 8 stages show the ‘normal’ progression for people to move from stranger to long-term partners, & apply to all types of relationships.

NOTE: The columns are not about ROMANTIC connections (as developed in Stage 6), which is given below the chart

• Stages 1 & 2 are the ones most people fall into – in relation to each of us. They have to do with the people we pass every day & barely notice

• #2 thru 5 are the stages we should go thru to form any connection, regardless of gender or sexual interest.  This can take anywhere from a year, to 4 or 5 ys, depending on how often you communicate, actually see each other & each person’s level of emotional availability

• #6 should come after some of the other steps have been worked thru, but with sex added in, steps 2-5 usually come later, if there’s enough to hold our interest. Those stages should still be given lots of time

• #7  As we becomes more aware of others (moving further down the continuum), the more of ourself comes onto play. This level of commitment needs to be the result of other steps, rather than the beginning – like how ACoAs do it!

• #8 If the other stages have been worked thru as honestly as we can, this one will be a mostly functional & happy one, because we’ve done our due-diligence, picking a more suitable partner & being less reactive ourselves.

 

ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP STAGES
1. “HONEYMOON”  (2 mths – 2 yrs.) When we idealize the other person. It’s wrapped in an air of excitement & optimism, when anything seems possible

2. POWER STRUGGLE – The couple begins to see the differences between them & notice things they don’t have in common. This is when people can easily pull apart, even divorce

3. STABILITY – This is available if the power struggles (“Who’s in Charge?”) can be resolved amicably & fairly, so neither partner is the underdog

4. COMMITMENT – If marriage has not already occurred, it’s likely to occur at this stage. Partners know each other well, & realize they don’t ne-e-e-d each other, but want to be together

5. CO-CREATION – When partners move out into the world, from having children to participating in joint business or other kinds of ventures.  (MORE….)

NEXT: Relationship CONTINUUM chart

Victimizing OTHERS (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs


WHAT DO YOU MEAN – NAG? I’m just trying to be heard!

PREVIOUS : Victimizing OTHERS (#1)

SITE: Great source of info & interviews

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

TOWARDS OTHERS  – From us (cont)
1. Abandoning
2. Jumping

3. Dumping (being an emotional vampire)
♟ The compulsion to endlessly complain about our life in general, or about the same problem over & over:
• to anyone who will listen, indiscriminatelydumping
• using someone as a captive audience, even when they indicate they’ve had enough & we’ve overstayed our welcome (hint, hint)
OR
♟ Starting a ‘discussion’ about a person issues, or a particular gripe – with someone:
• at inappropriate times, when the other person is on the way out the door to work, dealing with their own pain, before going to sleep….
• not letting it go, going on & on about it, having to be right….

♟ AND without any sense of our own involvement / responsibility for those complaints, & therefore an inability / unwillingness to work on out-growing our issues by doing deep FoO Recovery

4. Gossiping (a form of triangulating) – when we :
• share personal info someone tells us about themselves, even if it is not obviously given in confidence
• pass on info about someone that a third person was gossiping about
• make up stories or say something unflattering or mean:
— to make ourselves look better, more important, more knowledgeable
— to harm them personally or professionally (revenge, jealousy)
ALSO: To take ‘credit’ for a statement or action done by someone else (stealing)

5. Leaning (being needy, overly dependent)
When we demand (as if we’re a victim) that other people take care of us emotionally – we are using them – it’s still abusive, even though we feel weak, needy & vulnerable. needy
Consciously or not, we’re expecting them to take on the role of the Good Parents we never had. This is an inappropriate burden to put on others.
Some EXP:
• always want people to tell us we’re acceptable / not too much
• constantly apologize – for having needs, expressing our Es, asking for help…. or for just being alive
• let others speak for us, rather than saying what we want or don’t want
• want others to give us permission to do things that are our responsibility to decide:
“Is it OK if I …?  I’m sorry I‘m early. Is it OK to be here? Can I bring that to you next week? Is it OK that I called?….”
✶ ➼ instead of making declarative statements:
“I don’t have that with me now but I can email it later / bring it to you next time. I need to change our appointment / pay you on Tuesday…..”

🚩   🚩   🚩

P.M.E.S. SYMPTOM – results for ACoA who are survivors of domestic, religious, psychological & sexual abuse.
Abuse & abandonment (A/A) are not only physical – we may or may not have been beaten, molested or lost a parent to divorce or death.

Even so, anyone growing up in an unhealthy family will have experienced A/A in all 4 categories (PMES), most often mental & emotional – each in varying degrees of intensity.

✳️ ACoAs rarely think we actually have an impact on anyone, but we do!  It can be POSITIVE, because of our good qualities & skills, but can also be NEGATIVE, when we act out our toxic family heritage on others.

What effect do you have on the people in your world?


NEXT: Relationship Stages