Author: dmtorbi

ACoAs – Fear of Commitment (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

acoas fearI DUMP ON ANYONE who tries to love me

PREVIOUS: FoC – ACoAs #1

SITE: “10 most common fears” & more….


1. ORIGIN

2. RE-ENACTING (cont.)
As stated in Part 1, besides ‘close’ relationships, Fear of Commitment (FoC) also shows up as not giving our all at school or work, at home or in public…. It’s a fear of giving our best, convinced that our best will always be considered “not good enough”. That leaves us ashamed, lonely & scared.

Q :  ‘Not-good-enough’ & always being wrong – according to whom???
Ans : Original family, maybe peers, religion…. As long as our WIC is running things (via beliefs & emotions) we’re stuck in the past, assuming everyone will treat us exactly like our family did/does, even when we’ve had positive experiences to the contrary.

Many ACoAs long for a loving, steady relationship & a better over-all life. Yet no matter how hard we try we keep missing the brass ring. The WIC’s terror of reproducing the dangerous intimacy of our original Parent-Child bond is so strong it prevents us from finding the safety & acceptance we crave.

❤️ What stops us from creating our own strong, internal Loving Parent ? The kind who will pull the WIC away from the PigP, form a connection to a loving H.P., & prove there’s another way to bond with others – safely ?

Some REASONS for FoC
a. Fear of abandonment (FoA) – our most basic fear.
A = not getting enough of our legitimate childhood PMES needs met, AND being abused in each of those 4 categories. This created the belief that we’ll always lose what we need & love.
So there’s no point in setting ourselves up for more pain by committing (C) to something we truly care about.  It’s one reason ACoAs are ‘best’ at what we like or love to do – the least.

It’s inevitable that FoA creates lack of trust. SO – if our parents & other important caretakers neglected & assaulted us, how can we possible believe anyone else would be dependable or care for us?

b. F of leaving family of origin – we can’t C. to anything we need or like, if it takes us away from ‘them’. IF WE:
– are so ‘under their thumb’ that we’re not allowed to make our own choices, or let family pick for us (mates, career, where to live…)
– have emotional-incest ties to a parent, so we can’t have our own dyad
– are still dealing with a parent who’s an active addict, mentally ill or otherwise impaired, so we feel compelled to keep taking care of them, instead of ourselves

c. F of being trapped – To the WIC, C. to anything means :
— never being able have our own space to breathe, nor
— get out of any situation that doesn’t work out the way we hoped.
As kids we were chained to ‘them’, & the adults were trapped with each other – in dead-end jobs, with relatives they hated, & most of all trapped in their own damage. We swore we’d never let that happen to us, so now we never commit to anything or anyone.

♻️ Instead, we make our own prison because of :
• NO Options: not allowed to choose (lovers, friends, mates…) for ourself, so whoever wants us gets us, whether we actually want them or not

come here-go away• NO Boundaries – automatically disappearing / losing ourself when around others, especially a mate. Not having access to our True Self, we don’t know what our needs, wants or tastes are, so we go along with whatever others expect, want, demand, imply….
This makes us feel suffocated, ‘swamped’, overwhelmed when we / they get too close.

• NO Freedom: we’re stuck because, along with our own FoA, we’re not allowed to leave one of our toxic family rule: “If you don’t like you have to stay”.
ACoAs react in one of 2 ways:
– either stay way too long in bad or unsuitable situations OR
– compulsively come & go, isolate or just keep running
⬆️ “Come here-Go away” dance of FoC (see ‘Boundaries’)

NEXT: FoC – Part 2b

ACoAs – Fear of Commitment (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

chasing the alcoholic I REALLY WANT TO,
but I just can’t get myself to do it!

PREVIOUS: Fear of Commitment – general (#2)

QUOTE: ‘The worst thing isn’t fear of commitment – the worst thing is being with the wrong person because of fear of loneliness”. ~ ANON


1. ORIGIN – the basis for this fear (FoC) is the fear of intimacy, ie. “in-to-me-see”.
• In general, INTIMACY is the mental & emotional closeness between 2 people which allows each to know the other person behind their defenses or socially acceptable mask. Sexual intimacy may or may not be included.

a. But initially, it’s the intimacy between a child & its mother. From the very beginning of mother-childlife, each child is totally dependent on its primary caretaker(s), & therefore totally vulnerable to the adult’s plusses & minuses.

If the mother (or substitute) is an active addict, controlling, cruel or crazy, depressed, ill, distracted, insensitive, manipulative, raging, scared, (usually some combination) —
— then the child will be in an intimacy double bind:
☼ on the one hand, desperately needing the parent to love it, protect it & take care of all its needs
☼ on the other, emotionally & intuitively aware that the connection with that person is totally unsafe & therefore terrifying.

🌀 In this case the child is trapped in this most intimate of all relationships, which is truly dangerous to its well-being, but inescapable. Being raised with unreliability & chaos inevitably creates a lack of trust, which then becomes the model for all future relationships, creating a deep terror of intimacy.

b. In most cases we witnessed one or both of our parents:
— be unable to make a commitment – to each other, to their children, to work, to personal growth…. OR
— be committed to work instead of relationships (us), to their spouse but not their children, to their addiction & nothing else!……
…… so we didn’t have a role-model for the emotional & spiritual requirements needed for consistent reliability

• Sometimes a child has another parent, older sibling or other relative who are more available & attentive than the primary. But if they are part of the same family, they too will have narcissistic damage & be limited in how much emotional safety & love they can provide. Often this ‘better’ person will either leave, die or turn on the child at some point – multiplying the abandonment pain.

“All roads lead to Rome” was a familiar statement to the ancient Romans, & still is to all roadsmodern-day History students.
The ACoAs version is: “All roads lead to Abandonment!”. This fear is the bottom line for us, governing all our responses to the world. So much so that we can even feel abandoned by the end of a book or movie we feel intensely connected to!

• Whenever we beat ourself up, feel distrustful, hopeless or obsessive, are terrified something bad will happen to us…..  we’re tapping into old abandonment pain (E).
Given how much abuse & neglect we experienced as children, it makes sense that the WIC would believe (T) that Ab. is the only possible outcome for us, forever!
SO – why bother committing to anything, if we’re always going to mess it up or have it taken away??

2. RE-ENACTING  (F=fear)
➼ Healthy : Making a commitment to something or someone means showing up regularly, being self-motivated, taking risks, not knowing everything, asking for help along the way, having rights…. all the things we’re not allowed!

confusion• The ACoA’s WIC has a whole trunk-full of reasons for FoC, even when we don’t have words for it or are aware of the WHY.
As adults, this fear is perpetuated by Self-Hate & weak or missing Boundaries. We can apply the following issues to PPT (people-places-things), even though the focus here is mainly on relationships.
It shows up as:
– Confusion (I don’t know what I want, who I am)
– Indecisiveness (should I or shouldn’t I?)
– Perfectionism (I have to know it all & do it right – the first time!)
– Procrastination (maybe later, but secretly – maybe never)

NEXT: FoC – Part 2

Fear of Commitment – General (Part 3)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS:
Fear of Commitment (#2)


1. IN OURSELVES (Part 2)

2. IN OTHERS (cont)
FoC in Women (cont)

SHE :
🔸 PERSONALITY
• may seem independent & ‘self-assured’, but her unpredictable mood swings say she’s insecure & scared
🔸 EMOTIONAL
• won’t discuss her inner life or feelings with you – either very shut down emotionally,  or aware but afraid to share her deepest self
🔸 MENTAL
• is only interested in her own likes & needs, rarely or never yours
• often extremely critical of you – nothing is ever good enough. It keep you off balance & not too close
🔸 ACTIONS
• has a lot of friends who she’d rather be with, & doesn’t want you to meet
• quite successful at work, doing well there because it represents her identity, but not good at emotional intimacy
• will flirt with others when she’s out with you, talk a lot about her old lovers, stay in touch with them as ‘friends’, or need to cheat on you
🦋
FoC In Men – Don’t overlook these Red-Flag symptoms if you want a healthy, serious, long-term connection. (This list is longer because FoC is more often seen in men – but also generally applies to many ACoAs).
HE:
🔹PERSONALITY
• uses charm & learned social skills to hook you, coming on strong at first. Once you’re caught, he’s not so pleasant or easy to be with
• takes no responsibility for his choices (anything he does, says or feels) but blames you for unpleasant situations that occur.
You end up feeling crazy – & angry. He won’t talk about it, & if you try, he’ll sulk or get mad
🔹 EMOTIONAL
• won’t take NO for an answer – can’t handle conflict or rejection
• won’t stand for you being direct or assertive. If you’re strong enough to be clear about your needs, set boundaries & don’t agree with everything, he’ll punish you or leave
🔹MENTAL
• keeps conversations & emotions superficial, & never talks about a future togethcharmerer
• will only talk about himself, & not be curious or interested in who you are, what you think, what’s important to you
• will actually say “You know I’m not the staying kind”, “I’m no good for you” … but will show up periodically (when lonely or horny)
🔹 ACTIONS
• doesn’t introduced you to his friends, relatives or co-workers
• hasn’t taken you to his place, but if he has – it’s either a total wreck, or looks like a hotel room
• does not call ahead, call to connect or call to change plans, won’t say where he’s been or what he’s been doing

• a last-minute planner, so he’s not committing to anything (or you) – OR
• doesn’t give you a chance to choose the activity. If he agrees to a plan you pick, he’s be late or cancelnon-stayers
• won’t do anything to accommodate you & your tastes. He’ll hate changing his way of doing things, even a little

• won’t be around when you need help, so if you ask, he’ll make an excuse or give you the number of someone else – OR
• he’ll do only the things he wants, his way, not what you actually need or how it suits you.

• is late, ‘forgets’, is unavailable, ‘away’ – a lot
• looses interest when things get serious.
One day he’ll just disappear, with no explanation, or leave – blaming you for it not working out!
EXP: Chandler on “Friends”, Mr.Big on “Sex & the City”
(modified from articles by Larry Cappel & Rashida Khilawala)

NOTE:  the closer you get to what you’re afraid of, the greater your anxiety (fear) will be. Identify the severity of your problem with this 2-minute online fear of commitment TEST.

NEXT: ACoAs – Fear of Commitment #1

Fear of Commitment – General (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

love distancingI WANT TO STAY WITH HIM – but he only wants freedom

PREVIOUS: Fear of Commitment (#1)

POSTS: “Relationship Stages” // “Unrealistic expectations”

SITE: Overcome fear of commitment
(+ Hypnosis tapes)

⚑ GENERAL: Fear of Commitment (FoC)
⚑ WAYS of AVOIDING Emotional Commitment

⚑ SYMPTOMS of FoC
 When reading the following list – & holding your WIC – picture something you find hard to commit to – not just relationships, but anything you’re afraid to do or continue with. How many of these items apply? but without S-H!

1. IN OURSELVES
a. Mental (including CDs)
• Compulsion: overwhelming impulse to flee the situation, although the assumed danger is only in your mind – tough to understand or resist
• focus on bad / scary images & movies about the subject shown
• obsess about the subject (whatever you’re avoiding)
• trouble thinking about anything other than ‘it’
OR
• are sure you have a fatal illness (aids, cancer…) but don’t
• no motivation, can’t make decisions, confused
• scared of fainting, losing control or going crazy
• feel “unreal” – detached, not yourself

b. Emotional
• Anticipatory Anxiety – persistent worry about upcoming events that involve any form of commitment
• Moods: high levels of anger, sadness, fear, hurt & guilt
• Physical Apathy: lethargic, depressed, sleepy
• Terror: constant overwhelming fear of the ‘issue

c. Physical
• Breathing : shortness of breath, smothering sensation, feeling of choking
• General: hot or cold flashes, temporary muscle weakness
• Gut: nausea or stomach distress, diarrhea
• Head: dizzy, unsteady, light-headed, faintfear-sick
• Limbs: trembling, shaking, tingling, joint pain
• Physical Apathy: lethargic, depressed, sleepy
• Torso: palpitations, pounding heart, or numbness, accelerated heart rate, chest pain or discomfort

♥︎ Relationships
Gamophobia – fear of getting married, assuming it will inevitably be harmful. It’s found more often in men, because the real or potential trouble they’re afraid of may have greater consequences socially, financially, legally & personally.
Of course, FoC a very common fear is all types of ACoAs, & can extend to any relationship, even those we’d like to have.

• Old ➕ New painful / traumatic personal experiences, as well as observing the negative effects of domestic violence, divorce, parents never married…. in others – can lead to FEAR of being trapped & abused, an inability to trust, abandonment terror, depression….

• Long-term inability to be feel SAFE /vulnerable & show one’s ‘weak parts’ is a sign of a gamophobiapersonality disorder. In severe cases, we may like or love someone, but IF the other person returns our affection & wants to be together permanently, Gamophobes can easily change our attraction into fault-finding, disdain, even hate.

This happens more often unconsciously, using the other person’s ‘limitations’ as an excuse to push them away. Turning love into hate, or over-valuing & then under-valuing a partner – without a legitimate reason – is a defense mechanism. Often, the sufferer knows their fears are unreasonable or exaggerated, but feels powerless to change.

2. IN OTHERS
FoC in Women – While they’re often portrayed as ‘commitment hungry/crazy’, changes in social & moral rules make it easier for them to act out this fear, no matter how well disguised. (More….)  (“She Won’t Commit”).

Women who are socially awkward, have social anxiety, fear of being trapped, or in the closet – can now stay single & not be judged (except by conservative people & communities!).
➼ Biggest hint that a “Stayer” type woman is also commitment phobic – is repeatedly choosing & then clinging to ‘unavailable’ partners!
(Love a commitment-phobe? Dating Tips For Men)

NOTE: In Part 3 – some of the symptoms for men apply to women as well, so go through them with that in mind.

NEXT – FoC – ACoAs (Part 1)

Fear of Commitment – General (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

fear of commitment I WANT TO MOVE FORWARD
but he/she doesn’t

PREVIOUS: Feeling Sorry for #3

QUOTEs: “Commitment is healthiest when it’s not without doubt, but in spite of doubt.” ~ Dr. Rollo May, psychologist
• “If you deny yourself commitment, what can you do with your life?” ~ Harvey Fierstein, actor, writer, director

DEF of COMMITMENT:
• an attitude of working very hard to do or support something
• a promise to do or give something, to be loyal to someone or something ongoing or permanent – if at all possible (‘Til death do us part’)
• an instance or the state of being obligated or emotionally driven
• an agreement to perform a particular activity at a certain time in the future, under certain circumstances

POEM – by Ashbash 1/13/2005
happy old coule• Commitment is what transforms the promise into reality
• It’s the words that speak boldly of your intentions, & the actions which speak louder than the words
• It’s making the time when there is none
• Coming through time after time after time, year after year after year
•  Commitment is the stuff that character is made of
•  It’s the power to change the face of things
• It’s the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism
➼ When I say I love you, I mean that I’m committed to loving you even when it’s hard.

⚑ GENERAL
 Fear of Commitment (FoC) is usually about relationships. However, the issue is much broader than that.
Lack of commitment shows up by not pursuing or completing :  education, career, hobbies, work projects, ones hopes & dreams, ideals & ethics – as well as relationships…. anything we’re procrastinating about, or avoiding.

“Putting things off” may  :
• be something we want very badly but which our unrealistic or inaccurate beliefs (CDs) keep us from pursuing
• come from trouble deciding on anything – where to go on vacation, what to eat in a restaurant, which courses or job to take, go to the party or stay home….
…. because we don’t know ‘who we are’, wanting to do everything at once, afraid someone will be mad at us, afraid to make the wrong decision…. (Posts: Putting things off // Procrastination)

⚑ WAYS of AVOIDING Emotional Commitment (using T.E.A.)
1. Mental (Thoughts)
• afraid to lose out on other (possibly better) options
• afraid / refuse to talk about a future with a partner
no in love• compulsively having one foot ‘out the door’, thinking or saying “I can always leave if you….”
• focus on the negatives of the other person, continually criticizing / hurting our partners
• have a long list of impossible requirements, too high expectations
• make unrealistic assumptions about that we’ll get from the other person or from the relationship

2. Emotional (Emotions)
• always depressed, needy or angry, keeping others away
• always looking for / chasing new sexual partners, no matter how unsuitable, unhealthy, unstable (even when in a relationship)
• form attachment only if no long-term demands are put on us (moving in, marriage, children…)
• not being worthy, afraid to make any mistakes
• over-reactions, mood swings, unwilling to talk about emotions
• only have a series of superficial relationships that can’t go anywhere
• unjustified jealousy, always worrying about ‘being left’
• unwilling to risk — trying new things, moving out of ones comfort zone

3. Physical (Actions)
• date only ‘unavailable’ people (addicts, married, narcissists, long distance…), &/or people they’re ashamed of
• frequent job/career changes, &/or address changes
• isolate & avoid situations where they could meet potential dates/lovers… from fear of criticism, loss of freedom &/ or identity
• leave too soon, before giving it a change – find fault with everything, run at the first sign of conflict or power struggle
• often backing out of plans at the last-minute

NEXT: Fear of Commitment (#2)

ACoAs ‘FEELING SORRY For’ (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , ,

I CARE ABOUT OTHERS IN PAIN –
but my first responsibility is to my own!

PREVIOUS: “Feeling Sorry For” #2

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

1a. For OTHERS – POSITIVE
1b. For OTHERS – Negative

2. For OURSELVES
FEELING SORRY for oneself can be healthy or unhealthy.

HARMFUL, coming from others
When we express genuine pain, we often hear cruel reactions from ‘authorities’, family or so-called friends (some 12-step members, religious communities, various self-help gurus / books), saying :

“Get off the pity pot , You’re JUST feeling sorry for yourself , Don’t wallow in your pain , Don’t live in the past , That was a long time ago , Are you still going on about that? ….”

These comments come from wounded people in denial about their old wounds (even some in Program) & not working to heal them. Instead, they’re clinging to & protecting their own defense mechanisms & don’t want to be reminded of their damage by our sadness.

However, we have our own version of “feeling sorry for”, in 2 forms.
a. Negatively (self-pity) endlessly rehashing old traumas, as a way to :
• not care for ourself & stay in damaged-child modeself-pity
• blame others, instead of focusing on what we can do now
• stay in the anger – which is ‘safer’ than feeling the pain underneath
• not have to grow up & ‘leave home’ (S & I) — escaping the responsibility of being in charge of our life.

b. Positively – First & foremost, we need to have great compassion for ourself – for what we endured as kids, & also as adults. Feeling sad for & comforting our WIC is NOT selfishness, as we were told. Gaining the trust of our WIC is the main way to heal.

As kids, our suffering was ignored or punished & we were expected to suck it up. Even then, ‘they’ said we were being a baby, too sensitive, over-reacting, making things up, being crazy….

This left us with a tragic inability to be kind & understanding toward ourself!  We’re as unsympathetic as our family was – indeed, just as cruel in the way we talk to & treat ourselves! (Self-Hate)

SO, ‘healthy’ feeling sorry for -ourself- includes:
• gain WIC's childrenclearly understand exactly what happened to us in childhood. As long as we don’t / won’t identify & acknowledge it, we’ll keep repeating it
• having others validate our experience, without blame or judgment, because we never got the right kind of mirroring growing up (a crucial aspect of our damage)

• going over & over the traumatic events of childhood in order to get to the emotional pain which they caused – to process it & get it out of our body
• crying, raging & mourning – in safe places, with safe people – so we don’t have to carry it around anymore or take it out on others

➼ This process can take a long time, because there’s such a huge backlog of pain which can’t be accessed quickly or easily, plus our resistance to change.

EXP:  Rob was working on connecting with his Inner Child for several years.  While sharing in an ACoA 12-Step meeting, he suddenly visualized his kid sitting on the floor, hunched over – with knives sticking in him, all over. That’s what all that early verbal abuse had felt like! Rob started to cry.
compassion for WICIn that moment he saw & felt the terrible distress his kid was in but which he hadn’t been allowed to object to or express.
Now his Loving Parent self was able to feel a great rush of sorrow & compassion for his younger self.
After that he couldn’t allow himself to linger in cruel self-talk from the PigP or WIC any more.
It was a turning point in his Recovery.

• Remember : The only source of self-esteem is unconditional love. Having a strong, positive identity means treating ourself with loving kindness, patience & perseverance.
We do need to ‘feel sorry for’ our wounded part – the real-life child we were, who suffered unfairly & alone thru endless days & nights, in our home, school, church & neighborhood – without people noticing, caring or helping!

• If we – as the Loving Inner Parent to our WIC – can feel genuine sorrow for what we endured, through no fault of our own, we can begin healing those wounds.  The child part of us is waiting to be heard!

NEXT: Fear of commitment- #1

ACoAs ‘FEELING SORRY For’ (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: ACoAs ‘FEELING SORRY For’ (Part 1)

1-a. For OTHERS – POSITIVE
1-b. For OTHERS – Negative (cont)
i. WHO / ii. CAUSE / iii. WHAT

iv. PURPOSE
• to protect selfish, irresponsible parents from being accountable
• to never have to feel our deep ANGER at everything bad that happened to us at the hands of these particular people, & others like them
• to not feel the accumulated pain of how they have negatively affected our life.super-girl
OR : If  ‘feeling sorry for’ is toward another person we’re close to – we suppress admitting all the ways they’re not able to legitimately be there for us.
(Post: ACoAs’ Under-Expectations)
• to maintain our need to feel ‘better’ about ourself, be useful, needed, important – by taking excuses for them

▶ Everyone has the need be efficacious in life – to make things happen, to have a positive impact on their environment – in order TO get their needs met.
It’s being ‘successful in producing a desired or intended result’ on another person or circumstance.
But a huge missing piece of ACoA childhood was that we rarely or never got to experience being effective. It wasn’t possible to have any impact on damaged, drunk, selfish adults, much less a positive one.

We couldn’t get them to listen & believe us, to change, to stop hurting us, stop drinking, to see our worth, to help….
…. which has left us now with an intense sense of hopelessness (‘Why bother, I won’t be able to do it anyway, nothing I try works, no one’s going to listen or care, nothing works out for me anyway….’)

ineffective• So as adult we continue trying to compensate in ways that are not effective! – such as expending a lot of time, $$ & energy on people who can’t love us, who will never get better, OR who may, but not in OUR timing – like now!

• This becomes a vicious circle – trying to do the impossible will always lead to failure, which reinforces our sense of  ineffectiveness. ACoAs get the Serenity Prayer backwards. We need to learn & use it correctly!
It wasn’t God who didn’t listen, it was out damaged parents!

RESULT
Feeling sorry for & trying to rescue the ‘wrong’ people, means:
• we continue to be abused & neglected by them, without admitting what we already know in our gut, even when outside observers tell us they clearly see how we’re being abused!
• we (as rescuer) enable our rescuee to never change or have to face the harmful result of their actions to themself & others

• we white-wash the abuse & neglect, never holding them responsible for their actions / non-actions – by saying “they can’t help it / didn’t mean it….”.  (POSTS : ‘Parents Blaming Us‘ and “They did the best they could’, 2, b, ii).

PAY ATTENTION
✶ When someone is unwilling to own their actions, or get help to change & improve their lives using available resources – you know they’re not the right person to feel sorry for.
Love them, but don’t rescue – it’s a waste of effort!

🥱 Compassion fatigue is a normal human response common to highly empathetic individuals. There are so many needy people & ’causes’ in the world – but we can not help everyone, all the time.
Over-doing for others eventually results in “emotional numbing, depleted empathy, reduced awareness of surroundings AND physical exhaustion & illness.”

For ACoAs – surrounded by the endless negativity of other people’s unresolved problems leaves us worn down and angry. Letting ourself get burned out is a replay of trying to rescue our family – exhausting & hopeless.

HEALTH
★ Being compassionate does not mean being a patsy: ‘a person who is gullible & easily taken advantage of ’.
Insensitive & abusive people are only interested in what they can take, & give as little as possible in return.
⛅︎ We are worth more than that!

• Often the only thing we can do is pray for them. An Al-Anon truth:  “Each person has their own Higher Power” — & it ain’t us!

• WE need to set priorities with our time, money & abilities. But helping-oriented people often view self-care as a form of self-indulgence, as if it’s selfish, & shameful.

✶ But ignoring / denying our own limitations (to fit others) is both arrogant & self-destructive. Our main responsibility is to protect our Inner Child from careless, emotionally unavailable & dangerous types, no matter how much we care about them.
Our kid comes first!  Distance yourself from anyone who tries to seduce you but only offers CRUMBS!

NEXT: “Feeling sorry for” #3

ACoAs ‘FEELING SORRY For’ (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

THEY NE-E-E-ED ME! How can I turn my back on them?

PREVIOUS: HUMOR #6

SITE: Meditation for compassion (“loving kindness”)

1-a. For OTHERS – POSITIVE
“Feeling sorry for” someone may be generated by any situation we personally identify with, or simply caring about the plight of others who are less fortunate. We may or may not be able to do anything practical for the millions who suffer, but on a one-to-one basis, at the very least we can LISTEN to someone who needs a caring heart & ear, without advice or judgment

☆ Empathy : a visceral / emotional experience of another person’s emotions – an visceral mirroring, like tearing up at a friend’s intense sadness or deep loss

☆ Compassion:  “a human emotion prompted by the pain of others. More vigorous than empathy, it gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another’s suffering. It is often, though not inevitably, the key component of altruism ….”rescuing

☆ Altruism: an action that benefits someone else without expecting repayment.
BUT – does not automatically include personal empathy or compassion, like making an anonymous donation for tax purposes

DEF : ☼ Doing good to others, regardless of self-concern, a behavior that costs the Giver while benefitting the Receiver.
☼ A traditional virtue in many cultures, & a core aspect of various religious traditions”, it’s considered the highest form of love (Agape) – putting aside our own needs to help someone else.

➼ For this type of ‘feeling sorry for’ to be legitimate – the recipient of our concern must be truly in need of help AND not have the ability to do for themselves – at least temporarily.
This is not always easy to determine, especially is it’s someone we care about, if they’re still acting out of the victim role.
See “Rescuing” -vs- “Healthy Helping”.
💙

1-b. For OTHERS – Negative
For ACoAs, the core problem is that we feel sorry for the wrong types.
While we may have a strong caring & compassionate side, which we use for others instead of for ourselves, we misplace our sympathy by focusing it on narcissistic people (parent, spouse or lover, BFF, sometimes a boss, teacher…) who are a bottomless pit of needs.

i. WHO: Anyone who is –
☛ emotionally & practically irresponsible. This can not be emphasized enough!  These are people who are unwilling to use available resources needed to help themself, hooking us into do it for them! This can be in practical ways, but most often they want to be taken care of emotionally

☛ abusive, abandoning, narcissistic (but often charming) – because they prey on our desperate need to stay attached & feel special. It allows them to “feed on” us without having to give back.

☛ who acts like they need / love / value us, but if we take care of ourself before them  by setting boundaries or disagreeing, they’ll throw us under the bus in a heartbeat!
This way of being treated is so familiar from childhood, we think it’s normal & there’re acceptable, so we suppress our angry at the betrayal!

• POTENTIAL does NOT count – when it has to do with others!  We’re attracted to selfish people because they’re familiar, & we can rescue them & feel superior.
BUT as long as they refuse to develop their latent capacities – we end up drained, feeling inadequate, disappointed & angry – just like we did as kids.

ii. CAUSE
• our damaged need to feel special (counter feeling powerless)
• copy what we learned from a para-alcoholic parent (usually mom)
• don’t want to face who this (current) person really is, because then we’d have a different relationship with them, or have to leave

iii. WHAT
Their unhealthy behavior patterns TRIGGER our WIC to:
• (E) feel sorry for them (they’re manipulating this), the way we felt sorry for family members who we tried & tried to fix, but never could

• (A) act out our pre-programmed training to rescue & enable them
• resonate our WIC with theirs, feeling their pain – so we take on the Good Parent role, for them – but not toward ourselves

Instead, we need to be with people who are ALREADY in the process of taking care of themself, & therefore can be available to us without causing a lot of drama & stress.

NEXT: Feeling Sorry for – #2

Enneagram Humor (Part 6)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

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PREVIOUS: Ennea Humor #5

SITE: Enneagram Type cartoons

 

 

“EATING” by Rev Liz Stout (ordained Interfaith Minister, active Episcopalian, Buddhism buff, general spiritual scavenger, Evanston, Ill)

1s always chew more than they have bitten off
2s offer a bite to someone else first
3s take a bite of the best-selling, most popular brand

4s take a bite slowly & dramatically, hoping that others are watching
5s hide the wrapper so no one else will know what bites they’re enjoying
6s check the expiration date or read the ingredients before taking a bite

7s do bite off more than they can chew, & then proceed to chew
8s may take possession of someone else’s bite, putting up a fight if necessary
9s can’t make up their minds what to take a bite of – they take a little of everything to show partiality

DE GUSTIBUS NON DISPUTANDUM (Latin for “No Accounting for Tastes”)

‘HUMAN Dinner Party” by Elizabeth Wagele

 

ennea dinner types

Q: Is the glass is half-full or half-empty? by Cory Caplinger
Enneagram TYPE answers:
#1 – It’s half empty, because I say it is and I’m always right!
#2 – Would you like to have this water? Let me fill it up for you!
#3 – Hmm, I bet I could make a profit selling half-empty glasses of water for full price!
#4 – It’s half-empty…. just like everything else in this miserable world – & I don’t even deserve that! (pouts with a tear in eye)

#5 – Well, after measuring it precisely with my Fleuromaton, I have concluded that the volume of dihydrogen-oxide in this silicon-based vessel is 50.8%, thus qualifying it as roughly Half-Full.
#6 – I’m not drinking it, there’s poison in it!
#7 – It’s half-full!!! (drinks) Ah, FANTASTIC! Can I have another one?
#8 – It’s half-empty… so fill it up NOW before I have to break your neck!!!
#9 – It’s whatever you say it is.

Posted by CosmicDust (2007)
Mama‘s such a One, she can’t accept a birthday card from me without pointing out how bad the handwriting in my signature is.

Mama’s such a Two, she can’t swat a fly without demanding that the fly feel grateful that she didn’t do it the slow, painful way with bug spray.

Dad’s such a Three, she can’t even sleep without finishing a To-Do list in his dreams and boasting about how productive he is every night.

Mama’s such a Four, she can’t cook me dinner without lamenting that nobody understands or appreciates how hard it was to slave over that old stove, as the food became eternally scarred with charcoal, awaiting its ultimate fate to be torn apart in my stomach.

Mama’s such a Five, she can’t give me a hug without expounding and speculating on the origins, methods & meaning of hugs throughout the course of human history and prehistory, all the while mummyforgetting to enjoy the experience of hugging.

Dad‘s such a Six, I can’t throw him a surprise party without him questioning what my hidden agenda for not telling him. Was I trying to give him a heart attack so I could get my inheritance early, or thinking that he wasn’t competent enough to put his own party together?

Dad’s such a Seven, he can’t even channel surf without also checking the Internet, the radio and the voice mail on his cell phone for something potentially more interesting.

Dad’s such an Eight, he’s the only person who can make squirrels get the BLEEP off the road before they get run over, just by giving them that look… but then he runs them over anyway, just because se can.

Mama’s such a Nine, she refers to “Dante’s Inferno” as “Dante’s Inferyes.”

NEXT: Feeling Sorry for #1

Enneagram Humor (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

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PREVIOUS: Ennea Humor #5

SITE: Enneagram of CUTE PUPPIES

(⬅️ World Costumes by Phillip Martin)

 

Top Ten Signs You’re a TYPE 8 ~ Suzyn Smith

10. People tend to salute you, but you’re not in the military
9. It looked like it was going to be a tough race, but after you ran the smear campaign, you were elected president of the garden club with ease
8. They’re still looking for the last guy who insulted your mother

7. You consider binging on an attractive alternative lifestyle
6. You frequently threaten people with castration (with a look?)
5. You used to pass time in dull classes by arguing with the professor
4. You often talk about having sex in casual social conversation

3. You were captain of your college rugby team (& you’re a girl)
2. Konrad Lorenz’s “On Aggression” reads like your autobiography
1. The #3 sitting over there could get elected, but YOU could run the country

❥ A #5 went for a walk in the park & ran into his #5 friend, riding a bike.
“Hey Joe, good to see ya’. Nice bike you’ve got here. I haven’t see it before. Where’d you get it?”
“Well Sam, you won’t believe it. I met Julia riding this very bike, & when she saw me a strange thing happened. She took all her clothes off & said “Hi Sam, take whatever you want!”
“Wait, she was naked & you took the bike ????”
“Well, yeah…” Joe thought about that and finally said:
“Oh well, I think you made the right choice, her clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway…”
Post by Mort Sahl (2001)

❥Two Enneagram drunks go into a bar.
A: “What’a’ya gonna have, Joe?” / B: “Scotch on the rocks”.
A: ” Too 7ish for me” / B: “Lissen bud, scotch is a 6 drink”
A: “Whad’ya mean? I drank that stuff last night, got in my car & drove 95 mph”
B: “I drank that stuff last week & thought the world was out to get me”
Bartender: “What are you guys gonna have?”
A: ” a 7and7″ / B: ” a 6wing7″

The BOSS
Some famous 8s: F. Lee Bailey, Lucille Ball, Bogart, Kirk & Michael Douglas, Indira Ghandi, Saddam Hussein, Queen Latifah, Rush Limbaugh, Grace Slick, Sinatra, Mike Tyson, John Wayne, Debra Winger.
EXP: type 8 cartoon
My ‘growing’ #8 friend who hated his narcissistic abusive boss decided it was best to leave his intense wish for revenge up to Higher Power to dish out, instead of saying what he felt & then get fired!

Twisted Affirmation
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

Fun Quote: Anonymous
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Walking in to a party: Mention a better party down the road, & take everyone there

The MEDIATOR
Some famous 9s:  Loni Anderson, Yogi Berra, Sandra Bullock, Bill Clinton,Kevin Costner, the Dalai Lama, Dan Quayle, Ronald Reagan, Gloria Steinem
type 9 cartoonEXP:
When Terry asked a #9 friend to make her ‘kind, helpful suggestions’ fit with who Terry actually is (a self-aware #8), rather than trying to rescuing or people-please her (“Why don’t you….”),
the #9’s response was “That’s too much work. You’re asking a lot. Now I have to walk on eggshells with you!”

Twisted Affirmation
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

Fun Quote: Unknown
Dolphin-safe tuna? Yeah, that’s great if you’re a dolphin. But what if you’re a tuna?

Walking in to a party: See that the room is empty & apologize for showing up on the wrong day

NEXT: Ennea humor #6