I WANT TO MOVE FORWARD
but he/she doesn’t

PREVIOUS: Feeling Sorry for #3

QUOTEs: “Commitment is healthiest when it’s not without doubt, but in spite of doubt.” ~ Dr. Rollo May, psychologist
• “If you deny yourself commitment, what can you do with your life?” ~ Harvey Fierstein, actor, writer, director

DEF of COMMITMENT:
• an attitude of working very hard to do or support something
• a promise to do or give something, to be loyal to someone or something ongoing or permanent – if at all possible (‘Til death do us part’)
• an instance or the state of being obligated or emotionally driven
• an agreement to perform a particular activity at a certain time in the future, under certain circumstances

POEM – by Ashbash 1/13/2005
• Commitment is what transforms the promise into reality
• It’s the words that speak boldly of your intentions, & the actions which speak louder than the words
• It’s making the time when there is none
• Coming through time after time after time, year after year after year
•  Commitment is the stuff that character is made of
•  It’s the power to change the face of things
• It’s the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism
➼ When I say I love you, I mean that I’m committed to loving you even when it’s hard.

⚑ GENERAL
 Fear of Commitment (FoC) is usually about relationships. However, the issue is much broader than that.
Lack of commitment shows up by not pursuing or completing :  education, career, hobbies, work projects, ones hopes & dreams, ideals & ethics – as well as relationships…. anything we’re procrastinating about, or avoiding.

“Putting things off” may  :
• be something we want very badly but which our unrealistic or inaccurate beliefs (CDs) keep us from pursuing
• come from trouble deciding on anything – where to go on vacation, what to eat in a restaurant, which courses or job to take, go to the party or stay home….
…. because we don’t know ‘who we are’, wanting to do everything at once, afraid someone will be mad at us, afraid to make the wrong decision…. (Posts: Putting things off // Procrastination)

⚑ WAYS of AVOIDING Emotional Commitment (using T.E.A.)
1. Mental (Thoughts)
• afraid to lose out on other (possibly better) options
• afraid / refuse to talk about a future with a partner
• compulsively having one foot ‘out the door’, thinking or saying “I can always leave if you….”
• focus on the negatives of the other person, continually criticizing / hurting our partners
• have a long list of impossible requirements, too high expectations
• make unrealistic assumptions about that we’ll get from the other person or from the relationship

2. Emotional (Emotions)
• always depressed, needy or angry, keeping others away
• always looking for / chasing new sexual partners, no matter how unsuitable, unhealthy, unstable (even when in a relationship)
• form attachment only if no long-term demands are put on us (moving in, marriage, children…)
• not being worthy, afraid to make any mistakes
• over-reactions, mood swings, unwilling to talk about emotions
• only have a series of superficial relationships that can’t go anywhere
• unjustified jealousy, always worrying about ‘being left’
• unwilling to risk — trying new things, moving out of ones comfort zone

3. Physical (Actions)
• date only ‘unavailable’ people (addicts, married, narcissists, long distance…), &/or people they’re ashamed of
• frequent job/career changes, &/or address changes
• isolate & avoid situations where they could meet potential dates/lovers… from fear of criticism, loss of freedom &/ or identity
• leave too soon, before giving it a change – find fault with everything, run at the first sign of conflict or power struggle
• often backing out of plans at the last-minute

NEXT: Fear of Commitment (#2)