Fear of Commitment – General (Part 1)

fear of commitment I WANT TO MOVE FORWARD
but he/she doesn’t

PREVIOUS: Feeling Sorry for #3

QUOTEs: “Commitment is healthiest when it’s not without doubt, but in spite of doubt.” ~ Dr. Rollo May, psychologist
• “If you deny yourself commitment, what can you do with your life?” ~ Harvey Fierstein, actor, writer, director

• an attitude of working very hard to do or support something
• a promise to do or give something, to be loyal to someone or something ongoing or permanent – if at all possible (‘Til death do us part’)
• an instance or the state of being obligated or emotionally driven
• an agreement to perform a particular activity at a certain time in the future, under certain circumstances

POEMby Ashbash 1/13/2005
• Commitment is what transforms the promise into reality
• It’s the words that speak boldly of your intentions, & the actions whichappy old couleh speak louder than the words
• It’s making the time when there is none
• Coming through time after time after time, year after year after year
•  Commitment is the stuff that character is made of
•  It’s the power to change the face of things
• It’s the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism
➼ When I say I love you, I mean that I’m committed to loving you even when it’s hard.

⚑ GENERAL: Fear of Commitment (FoC) is usually about relationships. However, the issue is much broader than that.
Lack of commitment shows up in not pursuing or completing:  education, career, hobbies, work projects, ones hopes & dreams, ideals & ethics – as well as relationships…. anything we’re procrastinating about, or avoiding.

“Putting off” may  :
• be something we want very badly but which our unrealistic or inaccurate beliefs (CDs) keep us from pursuing

• come from trouble deciding on anything – where to go on vacation, what to eat in a restaurant, which courses or job to take, go to the party or stay home….
…. because we don’t know ‘who we are’, wanting to do everything at once, afraid someone will be mad at us, afraid to make the wrong decision…. (Posts: Putting things off // Procrastination)

⚑ WAYS of AVOIDING Emotional Commitment (using T.E.A.)
Mental (Thoughts)
• have a long list of impossible requirements, too high expectations
• make assumptions about that we’ll get from the other person or from the relationship
• afraid to lose out on other (possibly better) options
• focus on the negatives of the other person, continually criticizing / hurting our partners
• compulsively having one foot ‘out the door’, thinking or saying “I can always leave if you….”
• afraid / refuse to talk about a future with a partner

Emotional (Emotions)
• over-reactions, mood swings, unwilling to talk about emotions
• only have a series of superficial relationships that can’t go anywhereno in love
• unjustified jealousy, always worrying about ‘being left’
• not being worthy, afraid to make any mistakes
• always depressed, needy or angry, keeping others away

• always looking for / chasing new sexual partners, no matter how unsuitable, unhealthy, unstable (even when in a relationship)
• form attachment only if no long-term demands are put on us (moving in, marriage, children…)
• unwilling to risk — trying new things, moving out of ones comfort zone

Physical (Actions)
• isolate & avoid situations where they could meet potential dates/lovers… from fear of criticism, loss of freedom &/ or identity
• date only ‘unavailable’ people (addicts, married, narcissists, long distance…), &/or people they’re ashamed of
• leave too soon, before giving it a change – find fault with everything, run at the first sign of conflict or power struggle
• frequent job/career changes, &/or address changes
• often backing out of plans at the last-minute

NEXT: Fear of Commitment (#2)

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