Fear of Commitment (#2)
1. IN OURSELVES (Part 2)
2. IN OTHERS (cont)
FoC in Women (cont)
• may seem independent & ‘self-assured’, but her unpredictable mood swings say she’s insecure & scared
• won’t discuss her inner life or feelings with you – either very shut down or afraid to share her deepest self
• is only interested in her own likes & needs, not yours
• often extremely critical of you – nothing is ever good enough. It keep others off balance & not too close
• has a lot of friends, who she’d rather be with, & doesn’t want you to meet
• quite successful at work, doing well there because it represents her identity, but not good at emotional intimacy
• will flirt with others when she’s out with you, talk a lot about her old lovers, stay in touch with them as ‘friends’, or need to cheat on you
FoC In Men – Don’t overlook these symptoms if you want a healthy, serious, long-term connection. (This list is longer because FoC is more often seen in men – but also applies to many ACoAs).
• uses charm & learned social skills to hook you, coming on strong at first. Once you’re caught, he’s not so pleasant or easy to be around
• takes no responsibility for his choices (anything he does, says or feels) but blames you for unpleasant situations that occur.
You end up feeling crazy – & angry. He won’t talk about it, & if you try, he’ll sulk or get mad
• won’t take NO for an answer – can’t handle conflict or rejection
• won’t stand for your assertiveness. If you’re healthy enough to be clear about your needs, set boundaries & don’t agree with everything, he’ll leave
• keeps conversations & emotions superficial, & never talks about a future together
• will only talk about himself, & not be curious or interested in who you are, what you think, what’s important to you
• will actually say “You know I’m not the staying kind”, “I’m no good for you” … but will show up periodically (when lonely or horny)
• doesn’t introduced you to his friends, relatives or co-workers
• hasn’t taken you to his place, but if he has – it’s either a total wreck, or looks like a hotel room
• won’t call ahead, call to connect or call to change plans, won’t say where he’s been or what he’s been doing
• a last-minute planner, so he’s not committing to anything (or you) – OR
• doesn’t give you a chance to choose the activity. If he agrees to a plan you pick, he’s be late or cancel
• won’t do anything to accommodate you & your tastes. He’ll hate changing his way of doing things, even a little
• won’t be around when you need help, so if you ask, he’ll make an excuse or give you the number of someone else – OR
• he’ll do only the things he wants, his way, not what you actually need or how it suits you.
• is late, ‘forgets’, is unavailable, ‘away’ – a lot
• looses interest when things get serious.
One day he’ll just disappear, with no explanation, or leave – blaming you for it not working out!
EXP: Chandler on “Friends”, Mr.Big on “Sex & the City”
(modified from articles by Larry Cappel & Rashida Khilawala)
NOTE: the closer you get to what you’re afraid of, the greater your anxiety (fear) will be. Identify the severity of your problem with this 2-minute online fear of commitment TEST.
NEXT: ACoAs – Fear of Commitment #1