PREVIOUS : Over-Trust #1
“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” ~William Shakespeare
“You may be deceived if you trust too much…. ” ~Frank Crane
AS ADULTS : OVER-Trusting (OT) (cont)
We are TOO EASY when we:
• believe someone who tells us we’re crazy, wrong, stupid…. we ‘trust’ they know more about us that we do
• believe each new promise made by someone who has repeatedly disappointed us – trusting they’ll come thru — this time
• let someone cajole or badger us into telling too much about ourselves – too soon… we trust they won’t use it against us or for their own gain!
• are willing to believe anything an authority tells us, without question or checking with our gut — we trust they have our best interest at heart & that they know ‘everything’
• are so happy that someone who used to ignore or dislike us suddenly is friendly, now that we have some money, fame, a good-looking partner, a big job….. we trust that their motives re pure & it’s us they really like!
• go to someone we DO now is immature & unhealthy to share our emotional upsets – we trust they’ll be supportive & nurturing — this time
• wait for others to give us ‘permission’ to say or do something — we trust they have the right to do so, & know better that us ….
• “lend” money to someone who has proven to be irresponsible or outright dishonest — we trust that this time they really will pay it back
• keep ‘taking the high road’ with someone who’s mean, selfish & disrespectful – we trust that our goodness will somehow soften them!
This is a particularly dangerous illusion (not to mention arrogant & childish) because:
🐾 persistently abusive people are hardened in their narcissistic shell, which makes it unlikely they’ll ever improve how they treat us
⚡️ the longer we stay around them the more their barbed-wire protection will tear away at our soul
ACoAs unconsciously assume that if we ignore the characteristics in others we don’t like or that hurt us, it won’t have any effect. Some of us – even in Recovery – say they wish they could stay unaware of how toxic their family & friends are, because then it wouldn’t hurt.
That’s like saying that eating rotten food would NOT be harmful to our body – just because we’re so hungry that any food is better than none.
Some part of us knows this is ridiculous, but the WIC doesn’t want to face more unpleasantness. All the while we become further debilitated by sticking around for more poison that certain people automatically dish out. It does not matter if it’s deliberate or not. Barbed wire is barbed wire! Protect yourself.
WHY DO WE OVER-TRUST? (over & under types overlap)
a. FoA (fear of abandonment)
We want to be & stay connected – at all costs. If we admit what we know -this person isn’t trustworthy – we’d have to back way off or detach altogether, which we are terrified of
Instead, we overlook:
• being blatantly & repeatedly mistreated
• early or indirect hints people tell us about themselves, about being addicts, angry, cheap, insensitive, lazy, suicidal, …..
• available info about unsafe people given to us by many other sources (friends, co-workers, even family) ….
EXP: Consider how each new woman who gets involved with Charlie Sheen ignores all the public exposure available about his abuse toward her predecessors, & then eventually gets battered!
The ever-present ‘monster’ driving our obsession to have everyone like us / never think badly of us / never be angry with us, so :
• we assume everyone but us is OK, healthy, sane, reasonable – even those who continually mistreat us.
• Since we don’t trust our thinking, we defer to others, believe what they tell us, assume they must know what they’re talking about – just like we had to believe our parents, no matter how limited, twisted or inaccurate their communications were.
NEXT: Over-trusting #3