we never seem to get along

PREVIOUS: Traits (2b)

SITE: Lilac Lane’ re. Partner Abuse


🩸Does the person you love hurt you? Here are some of the ways.
☁︎ Just because they don’t mean it – doesn’t mean it’s not happening!

This list focuses on live-in relationships with a spouse / partner, but you may have witnessed these patterns happening to your parent, sibling or friend
• They may be alcoholic or other kind of addict, mentally ill, having a chronic physical illness &/or a severe personality disorder (NPD, rage-aholic, psychopath, paranoid ….)
OR • they seem like the ‘normal’ one & you’re labeled the crazy one

♟ Since abuse is not gender-specific, h/h (him/her) or an underline is used to indicate a specific Perp – so, fill in the initial of yours!

YOU (as victim)
• I feel guilty about ___’s resentments toward me or anyone else
• I’m nervous, anxious or worried about:loss
— ___’s attitudes, moods or anger, even when h/h’s not around or quiet
— ___’s sarcasm, criticism, frowns, glares, gestures (finger-pointing….)
— setting ___ off or getting the silent treatment

• my relationship is at a cold stand-off (few disagreements, but with a wall between us), but I won’t or can’t leave
• give into h/h controlling because of constant harassment
• have become extremely dependence on ___
• feel a sense of depression, anxiety & are often or always afraid of ___

HIM /HER (as perpetrator)
•  ___humiliates me person in public; flirts with others in front of me
• uses the children to get control by undermining my parental authority
• refuses to be happy or pleased – with anything, especially about me
• blames me for alalcohol/abusel h/h problems & suffering
• constantly puts me in no-win situations (double binds)
• periodically threatens to kill h/h self & says it will be my fault
• poisons the emotional atmosphere in the home with constant negativity
• is always needy & makes me wait on h/h hand & foot

COGNITIVE (mental)
• I know it’s not safe to discuss with ___ what’s bothering me
• edit my thoughts before saying anything, as self-protection
• think if I just tried harder, things would be alright
• am automatically defensive & reactive, even in ‘neutral’ situations
• hide intelligence & information I have, to not threaten ___

• ___ is ‘perfect’, never wrong, knows it all, talks AT me
• ___ is ok one minute & into a tirade the next, over seemingly nothing, or always about the same old things
• teases or ridicules me for lack of specific info, how I express yourself, my vocabulary, accent….verbal abuse
• trivializes, insults or negates any of my accomplishments
• make all major decisions: where to live, furnishing the home, type of car
• constantly berates, belittles & intimidates, under the guise of “helping, guiding, teaching, just giving advice”, undermining my self-esteem
• treats me like a helpless & stupid child, refusing to listen to my ideas or suggestions

YOU  (Article: “Being hated, Feeling hated, Overcoming self-hatred)
• I’ve come to believe that nothing I do is good enough, so I constantly second-guess my actions before doing anything
• have to live too much in the moment – can’t plan ahead for fear of
___’s negative response to any of my plans or ideas
• any action I take is criticized unless it’s exactly suits ___’s taste or whim

• I get a pain in the pit of my stomach, have headaches, muscles pain, twitches…. that don’t come from physical exertionanxiety
• tense up when I hear the door open, or ___ comes into the room
• I’m accused of being unfaithful, if I just talk to someone of the opposite sex (or same-sex – if applicable)
• feel obligated to have sex, including doing things I’m uncomfortable with – to prove my love, OR just to avoid an argument about it
• when I walk by ___, my shoulders tense until we pass each other
• don’t have the energy to fight back, set boundaries, object to anything

• constantly criticizes my weight, looks, they way I dress…
• isolates me from friends, family or other groups
• has given away, destroyed or thrown away my belongings
• ___ denies or limits my access to work, further education or other growth opportunitiescriticizer
• controls all financial decisions, withholds important financial info
• limit my financial or other material resources ($, food, clothes)
• steals from me, runs up debts & leaves me to handle them
• threatens to harm or get rid of pets
• threatens to harm the children, or leave with the children
• withholds sex as punishment instead of talking openly about something they don’t liked / are mad about

ADD your own experiences!

 NEXT: Abuse of children #1

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