we never seem to get along


SITE: Lilac Lane’ re. Partner Abuse

🩸Does the person you love hurt you?  Just because they don’t mean it – doesn’t mean it’s not happening!

This list focuses on live-in relationships with a spouse / partner, but you may have witnessed these patterns happening to your parent, siblings or friends
• The loved-one may be alcoholic or other kind of addict, mentally ill, have a chronic physical illness &/or a severe personality disorder (NPD, rage-aholic, psychopath, paranoid ….)
• they seem like the ‘normal’ one & you’re labeled the crazy one

♟ Since abuse is not gender-specific, h/h (him/her) or an underline is used to indicate a specific Perp – so, fill in the initial of yours!

YOU (as victim) =  I….
• feel guilty about ___’s resentments toward me or anyone else
loss• feel depressed, anxious & are often or always afraid of ___
• give in to ____’s controlling because of their constant harassment
• have become extremely dependent on ____
• I’m nervous, anxious or worried about:
🔸 ___’s attitudes, moods or anger, even when h/h’s not around or is quiet
🔸 ___’s sarcasm, criticism, frowns, glares, gestures (finger-pointing….)
🔸 setting ____ off or getting the silent treatment

• my relationship is at a cold stand-off (few disagreements, but with a wall between us), but I won’t or can’t leave

THEY = HIM /HER (as perpetrator)
• blames me for all h/h problems & suffering
• constantly puts me in no-win situations (double binds)
•  ____ humiliates me person in public, flirts with others in front of me
alcohol/abuse• is always needy & makes me wait on h/h hand & foot
• refuses to be happy or pleased – with anything, especially about me
• periodically threatens to kill h/h self & says it will be my fault
• poisons the emotional atmosphere in the home with constant negativity
• uses the children to get control by undermining my parental authority

2. COGNITIVE (mental)
YOU = I….
• am automatically defensive & reactive, even in ‘neutral’ situations
• edit my thoughts before saying anything, as self-protection
• hide intelligence & information I have, to not threaten ___
• know it’s not safe to discuss with ___ what’s bothering me
• think if I just tried harder, things would be alright

• constantly berates, belittles & intimidates, under the guise of “helping, guiding, teaching, just giving advice”, undermining my verbal abuseself-esteem
• ___ is ‘perfect’, never wrong, knows it all, talks AT me
• ___ is ok one minute & into a tirade the next, over seemingly nothing, or always about the same old things
• make all major decisions: where to live, furnishing the home, type of car
• teases or ridicules me for lack of specific info, how I express yourself, my vocabulary, accent….
• trivializes, insults or negates any of my accomplishments
• treats me like a helpless & stupid child, refusing to listen to my ideas or suggestions

YOU = I….
• am accused of being unfaithful, if I just talk to someone of the opposite sex (or same-sex – if applicable)
• don’t have the energy to fight back, set boundaries, object to anything
• feel obligated to have sex, including doing things I’m uncomfortable with – to prove my love, OR just to avoid an argument about it
• get a pain in the pit of my stomach, have headaches, muscles pain, twitches…. that don’t come from physical exertion
• get criticized for any action I take unless it’s exactly suits ___’s taste or whim

• have come to believe that nothing I do is good enough, so I constantly second-guess my actions before doing anything
• have to live too much in the moment – can’t plan ahead for fear of ___’s negative response to any of my plans or ideas
• tense up when I hear the door open, or ___ comes into the room
• AND when I walk by ___, my shoulders tense until we pass each other
(Article: “Being hated, Feeling hated, Overcoming self-hatred)

• constantly criticizes my weight, looks, they way I dress…
• controls all financial decisions, withholds important financial information
criticizer• ___ denies or limits my access to work, further education or other growth opportunities
• has given away, destroyed or thrown away my belongings
• isolates me from friends, family or other groups
• limit my financial or other material resources ($, food, clothes)
• steals from me, runs up debts & leaves me to handle them
• threatens to harm or get rid of pets
• threatens to harm the children, or leave with the children
• withholds sex as punishment instead of talking openly about something they don’t liked / are mad about

ADD your own experiences!

 NEXT: Abuse of children #1

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