Types of ABUSERS (Part 3)



PREVIOUS: Types of ABUSERS (Part 2)



4. SECRETIVE / Has a Double Life
Criminal – THEY
• are currently or in the past have been on probation or parole
• get mysterious phone calls, pages, or mail, & secret meetings, appointments or ‘jobs’
• may be unreachable directly, only have PO box, voice mail / text
• use aliases, hide info or details about where or how they make money
• won’t answer direct questions about where they go, what they do, or who they’re with
won’t say where they were raised, who they’re related to, where they went to school
🧩 Eventually you may find out some of these things, which you suspected but didn’t want to admit.

Cheater (unknown) THEY :
• are secretive, tell ‘stories’ that don’t line up with their actions or what you know about them
• go through periods of time without contacting you, often unreachable directly – never know when you’ll see or hear from them
• hide important info, like about previous or current wives / girlfriends, how much money they have, where they live, work….
• won’t make plans or say when they’re available. If they do make plans, they ‘forget’, leave you hanging, & then lie about it when cheaterconfronted
🧩 You may or may not find out later

Cheater (known)  THEY :
• are still married, engaged, dating, or involved with someone else
• aren’t ‘quite broken up yet / separated’ but are ‘unhappy’
• don’t take time between the ending of one & beginning of the next relationship  “Men replace, women mourn” is not always true, but applies here
• have a history of affairs or indiscretions 🧩 which you may know about
• often promise to end the other relationship, but keep coming up with reasons why they can’t do it – yet!
• tell you they need someone who “understands” them (you), implying an immediate connection, as someone who gets them the way “she/he doesn’t”
😢 And you put up with the crumbs, while hoping for the whole cake.

Verbal : insult, scream, yell, belittle – even if carrying on a “normal conversation”
Psychological : work at controlling or dominating all your life choices, including dictating spiritual or religious belief

• are violent or out of control when using drugs or alcohol. Been sent to substance abuse treatment, but it didn’t ‘take’
• fired from work for angry outbursts, or suspended from school for fighting
• have a history of assaulting people, cruelty to animals, setting fires….
• preoccupied with violent movies, TV or video games &/or hang around other people known to be violent

• Idealize acts of violence & destruction, uses words like “killed, smashed, kicked” in daily language
• refer to previous partners in demeaning ways
• talk down, criticize, call you names or other belittling language
• threaten harm to self, you & loved ones

Emotional **
 • are often irritable & have angry outbursts – when confronted, questioned or corrected
• blame you or others for their unhappiness & rages. Have been sent to anger management training because of outburst at home, at work or in public – without a change

All persistent abusers are emotionally unavailable. Just because they have ‘feelings’, may tell you they love you, need you, cry, rant…. doesn’t mean they are actually capable of being present for you & with you!

For that to be real they would have to be reasonably healthy, able to own & feel all their own emotions, without heavy-duty emotional armor (rigid defense mechanism) or some severe (untreated) mental illness

stay/leaveAll these types can be generally divided into Leavers & Stayers (See Post).
🤠 Leavers are terrified of real, deep, long-term commitment, emotional & practical.
They may be avoiders & isolators, OR always needing to be ‘with’ someone.
So they keep moving to new partners, or if they stick around for any length of time, always have ‘one foot out the door’ emotionally

🤗 Most Stayers, as many of us know, are attached from Fear of Abandonment, rather than as equals, from self-esteem & free choice.
REMEMBER: Wounded Stayers always pick wounded Leavers, because of their own (dis-owned) fear of commitment!

NEXT: Partner abuse

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