PREVIOUS: Types of ABUSERS (Part 2)
ABUSER TYPES (cont.)
SECRETIVE / Has a Double Life
• currently are or in the past have been on probation or parole
• won’t say where they were raised, who they’re related to, where they went to school
• use aliases, hide info or details about where or how they make money
• get mysterious phone calls, pages, or mail, and have mysterious meetings, appointments or ‘jobs’
• may be unreachable directly, only have PO box, voice mail / text
• won’t answer direct questions about where they go, what they do, or who they’re with
🧩 Eventually you may find out some of these things, which you suspected but didn’t want to know.
• hide important info, like about previous or current wives / girlfriends, how much money they have, where they live, work….🧩 You may or may not find out later
• won’t make plans or say when they’re available. If they do make plans, they ‘forget’, leave you hanging, & then lie about it when confronted
• are secretive, but tell ‘stories’ that don’t line up with their actions or what you know about them
• go through periods of time without contacting you, often unreachable directly – never know when you’ll see or hear from them
🧩 You may or may not find out later
• have a history of affairs or indiscretions 🧩 which you may know about
• are still married, engaged, dating, or involved with someone else, aren’t ‘quite broken up yet / separated’ but are ‘unhappy’
• don’t take time between the ending of one & beginning of the next relationship “Men replace, women mourn” is not always true, but applies here
• tell you they need someone who “understands” them (you), implying an immediate connection, as someone who gets them the way “she/he doesn’t”
• often promise to end the other relationship, but keep coming up with reasons why they can’t do it – yet!
😢 And you put up with the crumbs, while hoping for the whole cake.
Verbally : belittle, insult, scream, yell – even if carrying on a “normal conversation”
Psychological : work at trying to control or dominate all your life choices, including dictating spiritual or religious belief
Physical: have a history of assaulting people, cruelty to animals, setting fires….
• suspended from school for fighting, or fired from work for angry outbursts
• are violent or out of control when using drugs or alcohol. Been sent to substance abuse treatment, but it didn’t ‘take’
• preoccupied with violent movies, TV or video games &/or hang around other people known to be violent
Mental : talk down, criticizes, call you names or other kinds of belittling language
• refer to previous partners in demeaning ways
• threaten harm to self, you & loved ones
• Idealize acts of violence & destruction, uses words like “killed, smashed, kicked” in daily language
Emotional **: • are often irritable & have angry outbursts – when confronted, questioned or corrected
• blame you or others for their unhappiness & rages. Have been sent to anger management training because of outburst at home, at work or in public
** EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE
All persistent abusers are emotionally unavailable – to you. Just because they have ‘feelings’, may tell you they love you, need you, cry, rant…. doesn’t mean they are actually capable of being present for you & with you!
For that to be real they would have to be reasonably healthy, able to own & feel all their own emotions, without heavy-duty emotional armor (rigid defense mechanism) or some severe (untreated) mental illness
All these types can be generally divided into Leavers & Stayers.
🤠 Leavers are terrified of real, deep, long-term commitment, emotional & practical.
They may be avoiders & isolators, OR always needing to be ‘with’ someone.
So they keep moving to new partners, or if they stick around for any length of time, always have ‘one foot out the door’ emotionally
🤗 Most Stayers, as many of us know, are attached from Fear of Abandonment, rather than as equals, from self-esteem & free choice.
REMEMBER: Wounded Stayers always pick wounded Leavers, because of their own (dis-owned) fear of commitment!
NEXT: Partner abuse