SO MUCH TO KNOW –
I’ll never get it!

PREVIOUS: Ennea-Triads – 9s, 1s (3b)

SITE: Self-esteem – the problem behind the problem

ACoAs are some of the smartest, most intuitive people around.  We had to be – to survive our childhood!  But we:
a. don’t acknowledge it (taught to not trust our judgment)
b. are ashamed of it (taught to not think so highly of ourselves)
c. are missing basic, ‘normal’ info about ourselves & the world

1. LACK of INFO
a. About Alcoholism in the family, denial – that they were drunk, that their drinking effected us, &
that our damage (& theirs) was not our fault or responsibility
Deny THAT WE :
• were abused & neglected (on one or more of the 4 levels: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual)
• were molested, sexually or physically abused
• we carry deep pain, from all that trauma
• we don’t have to suffer any more
• we have a right to be here
• we can trust our intuition ….

b. About Healthy Living
• what Process actually is & how to use it
• what clear, sane Thinking ‘sounds’ like
• that in many situations we have Options & what they may be
• what we want to be / do, when we ‘grow up’. Some of us do know, but are not allowed to go for it & too scared to fail
• how to live without constant crisis, abuse, anxiety
• that we don’t have to manipulate to get our needs met
• that we can take care of ourself, if we grow a Healthy Adult
• how to be kind to our Inner Child – by growing a Loving Parent!
• what mental health is  (see posts on ‘Recovery’)
c. General
• how the rest of world actually functions
• what reality is – mental, emotional, physical
• what to SAY when someone says hurtful or outrageous things
• what healthy people are like  (ACoAs think they don’t get angry, overwhelmed, make mistakes, lose relationships…)
• why other people do what they do (get away with things, are entitled, can function well…)

2.  What is NORMAL – which has 2 meanings:
i. the opposite of crazy.  Our S-H says we’re crazy & everyone else is normal.  Yes, we do have distorted thinking, which can be corrected – but that doesn’t make us nuts.
⚀ It’s normal to: have emotions, to succeed via process, to mourn losses, to not get along with every one – all the time –  to always have some damage….

ii. what is average – for humans, & in your society
It’s about the behaviors & attitudes common to the majority. But in this meaning, normal is not always healthy! It’s what the norm was where you grew up, in your religion, in your neighborhood & school…
SO – normal could have been – drinking to excess, physical danger, verbal abuse, insensitivity, lack of education… OR being up tight, having to succeed, always looking good, doing the ‘right thing’…
⚀ This normal can be to: laugh when someone gets hurt or makes a fool of themself, to not help strangers in trouble, to stare at an accident on the street…

3. What’s NOT possible, or is unlikely
• for our parent to love us unconditionally
• to be free of all pain & suffering
• to have relationships that never end
• to be liked & wanted by everyone, all the time
• benefit from becoming a star, be famous, be adored, worshiped

4. What CAN be worked towards & accomplished
• diminished S-H & gain self-esteem
• be heard/ listened to/ get healthy attention
• have healthy friends & mates
• improved health & appearance
• an enjoyable career, creative outlets
• to belong & be accepted
• respected, treated well
• feel comfortable, safe, secure
• have fun, relax, enjoy life   – etc.

5. What ACoAs DO Know, BUT….
• what really happened to us as kids (abuse, neglect, coercion, torture) – BUT don’t want to admit or deal with
• some of the things we want in life – BUT are not allowed to have
• what we’ve learned & accomplished since we left home – BUT can’t admit or own it & use it for ourself
• ALL the things we figured out on our own, as kids & as adult – BUT don’t value or validate them because of:
— S-H – we dcaused anything bad that happened to us (then and now)
— shame – not allowed to have our need met, or our value our accomplishments
— lack of healthy mirroring – our real self wasn’t validated by our family, so we negate our natural abilities

💝 SELF-ESTEEM comes from validation & unconditional regard / love.
Validation means admitting what we know & learning what we don’t. Regard is being kind, patient & respectful toward ourself. It’s never too late to have a happy life!

NEXT: Ennea Development Levels – OUTLINED (#1)