letting go

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 7b)

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I WANT TO IMPROVE as many relationships as possible

PREVIOUS: Adult forgiveness (#7a)  ▲IMAGE : VeryWELL

SITEs: Healthy way to forgive yourself (and its dark side)


RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TNS) cont.
TOOL 6a & b. Healing CHILDHOOD T.E.A.

TOOL 7b. FORGIVING Ourselves as ADULTS (cont.)  re. ACoA Step 4 & 5

SELF-FORGIVENESS is letting go of guilt & shame, which takes persistent time & effort, and in never complete. Letting go means accepting that we can’t change our past, but can learn from it.
At its heart, ACCEPTANCE is seeing everything as it really is, no matter how unpleasant, rather than what we want it to be. (more in Part 6b)
Acceptance eliminates illusions & CDs, & so makes letting go possible.

++ ACCEPT ourselves as valuable Children of God / HP / the Universe, which helps to stop the cruel inner rant (the WIC or PP) – a choice we can implement every day.
The benefits of self-acceptance are worth the great struggle of having to let go – of releasing the rage at ourselves & our abusers.)

++ ACCEPT that we are wounded – not defective. Letting go means stopping the cruel inner PP rant – a choice we can implement every day. Given the very hard times we’ve been thru, it means we need to be extra kind to ourselves. (Purpose of healthy parental mirroring )

 ++ ACCEPT our human limitations, which will allow us to let go of judging ourselves so harshly. That no matter how much we wish it we can’t go back & change anything. AND that we’ll never have the parents / family we legitimately wanted

LETTING GO means:
• accepting all our emotions, without reservation or judgment
• being kind to ourselves, no matter what, & staying present for whatever Es come up
• facing & dealing with our anger at our family, & other T.E.As.
• forgiving the things we didn’t do, which caused us or others harm.
• releasing any & all accusations or blame of God / the Divine for painful experiences caused by humans
• remembering painful & embarrassing situations we got ourselves into because of anxiety, FoA & dissociation (out-to-lunchness) – without S-H

EXP: In her 20’s Jenny had a little grey cat she loved a lot. As Greyling was getting older, he get thinner & thinner, but Jenny was too busy studying & writing papers for her college classes to pay much attention.

• One night Greyling flopped over on the bed, not able to stand. Jenny was worried, but thought he was just old. The next day she saw he was very weak – not moving, not eating – so she finally took him to the vet. The vet took one look at the little cat & turned angrily to Jenny. “You let this cat deteriorate to the point that he’s so dehydrated he had a stroke! There’s nothing I can do – he needs to be put down!”.

• Jenny was devastated at the loss, & deeply ashamed of her neglect. She had caused this sweet creature severe suffering because of her obliviousness. Working it thru in therapy & ACoA meetings, she understood that ignoring the signs of illness in Greyling came from her grammar school time. She spent many years seeing her father in terrible pain from a long illness, often lying in a dark room but never complaining, while mother kept telling her to be very quiet & not bother him.
Jenny loved her dad & hurt deeply for him, but was totally helpless. To protect against her overwhelming frustration & powerlessness, she became numb to physical suffering.

• Accepting the connection between past & present, & continuing to grieve Greyling, Jenny sincerely forgave herself for her inaction, without S-H, knowing where it came from. Even years later she sometimes feels sad for her dad & the cat, without judgement, & has made sure to not make that mistake again with other cats.

NEXT: ADULT self-Forgiveness (#7e)

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 6b)

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TO BE or NOT TO BE
willing to forgive myself –
that is the question!

PREVIOUS : Outgrowing P-P #6a

SITEs: 12 Ways to Accept Yourself
• “I Forgive Myself for……“from ‘Journey of Be’, scroll to 9/2015


RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (cont.)

TOOL 6a. Healing our CHILDHOOD T.E.A. (cont.)
As we outgrow P-P we can clean out the underlying issue that permeates every part of our life : our Self-Hate, which is blaming ourselves for not getting our needs met. It’s anger/rage at our family turned in on ourself

Reminder : Healthy, compassionate families, teachers & other leaders guide children with clarity, kindness, patience & humor. They set good examples, teach boundaries & realistic limits, explain the way people & things work, & help each child develop their Natural Self. (Healthy Parenting)

That was not our experience. All our childhood emotions, words & actions which were called “too sensitive, disobedient, difficult, selfish, lazy, stupid …..” do not need to be forgiven. Instead, we can look back with sorrow & compassion for what we endured!

SO: The more S-H we clear out, the more we drop P-P, automatically. Rather than struggling with the idea of having to forgive our youthful acting-out & normal child-reactions, we can benefit the most from ACCEPTANCE. 

++ ACCEPT that every child is programmed to follow their upbringing.  If it was alcoholic, dangerous, neglectful…. we drowned in too many rigid, harmful laws – or were completely left to our own devices. Now we can slowly form a new set of rules, loving & flexible – which will eliminate much of the need for fake niceness, so we’re free to be genuinely kind  (“ACoAs – Healthy Rules”

+ + ACCEPT reality: We can let go of the – usually unconscious – twisted belief we may still have, that we’re hopelessly bone-deep failures because we originally:
• failed to be the kind of child who was good enough to have elicited love & approval from our parents
• failed to soothe & heal our parents’ many wounds
• failed to stop them from hurting us, each other & our siblings

++ ACCEPT that the mirroring we got as kids came from cracked mirrors – forcing us to see ourself thru controlling, cruel, drunk, insensitive, neglectful, raging eyes! What we came to think of as our Self was mainly their sickness projected on to us – which became our Negative Introject. This psychological process – helpful or harmful – happens to every child & is not ‘forgiveness material’.  (Parental Mirroring provides child….)

++ ACCEPT our child’s narcissism as normal, which made us think we had the power to do any of those things. Not! We can understand why we had those misguided ideas, & correct our thinking now (the CDs), to stop blaming & attacking ourself for what we believe are inadequacies & deficiencies

++ ACCEPT that following the Toxic family Rules does not & never did keep us safe!  No matter how ‘good’, helpful & self-denying we were as kids, we still got the full brunt of our family’s damage!
“I have to obey them” is a lie we tell ourselves so we don’t have to be our True Self & take care of our own needs

++ ACCEPT that as physical adults (not yet ‘grown-up’) we do not ne-e-e-d them to be our parents. That’s our job now. We do need a lot of help to heal, but trying to appease & please the original abusers is self-destructive

++ ACCEPT & stop judging ourselves absolutely, totally –  for:
• not being perfect // not knowing everything // making mistakes
• being so scared inside // being controlling // nit-picking
• having depression & the need for medication
• procrastinating or never finishing anything…  basically opposite everything on the RIGHTS list

++ ACCEPT that at first we’re going to feel guilt churning in our gut whenever we disobey any Toxic Family Rule, but we will slowly outgrow it.  This is ‘good guilt’ – for the short-term – because it signals doing something healthy for ourselves, which goes against all our original crazy training

The Tibetans have no word for ‘guilty.’ The closest is “Intelligent regret that decides to do things differently.”

NEXT: Self-forgiveness as ADULTS

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 6a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , ,

THIS PART IS the hardest of all

◀️ ARTWORK from Tiny Buddha

PREVIOUS :
Outgrowing P-P , #5b 

QUOTE: “You’re the Average of the 5 people You spend the Most Time with”
– Jim Rohn “The Art of Exceptional Living”

 

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome”(cont)

IMP :
‘Forgiving’ OURSELF
This only applies to us as adults (Parts 7a & b), when the brain is capable of self-direction – when we can understand that the ‘character defects’ of the False Self were developed in childhood, which we had no control over.

TOOL 6a. = Healing our CHILDHOOD T.E.A.s is to:
1. LET GO of our Self-hate (E) & endless recriminations (Ts) re. the past
(See “Letting go means….“), and to:
2. GIVE UP the compulsion to keep punishing ourself & stay miserable (Es)

Review: As earlier posts have indicated, the underpinnings to co-dep / P-P ‘niceness’ is unexpressed anger / rage. And under that is a vast sewer of stuffed emotions, the majority being fear/terror, but also disappointment, loneliness, longing, sadness, despair…..
Cleaning out our damage includes facing & dealing with our anger at our family, as well as all our other T.E.As.
It means having compassion for ourselves & living in the present.

Judgements: Along with forgiving others who have wronged us, we are told to ‘Forgive yourself’– but it’s not always clear which part of our life that refers to. Presumably it’s for all our ‘bad’ behavior, at any age.

This is tricky, because ACoA co-deps can easily take this to mean that our self-defeating patterns prove what our family said all along – that our very essence is bad/evil, which is why we’re supposed to need absolution.

Those unloving messages get added to children’s minds who automatically combine Being & Doing into one thing.  So, still run by our WIC, ACoAs are plagued by the toxic rule: “I act bad because I am bad”, which we frantically try to hide with perfectionism & P-P.

REALITY: If this Rule were true then there could be no Recovery, no second chances, no spiritual healing or growth!
We need to “come to believe” that we are not bad & therefore unlovable, but rather severely wounded, as well as perfectly imperfect!

The starting point for all Recovery is working to eliminate as much S-H as possible. See: Self-Hate & ACoAs, & counter it with ‘Emotional Needs & Resources‘, as well as ‘Emotional Maturity’ and ‘ACoAs & Self-esteem‘.

CHILDHOOD
(As) ACTIONS: When encouraged to see that S-H is a destructive lie, many ACoAs will counter by pointing out how difficult or bratty they were as teens, or even younger – as proof of their inherent ‘badness’.
Yes, some kids are quieter & some more rambunctious. But much of what our parents considered ‘misbehaving’ was a combination of:
a. our copy of & direct reactions to all the craziness we were stuck in
b. many perfectly normal kid ways – but mislabeled by unhealthy parents
(“10 Ways Kids Appear to Be Bad but Aren’t“)

(Ts) THINKING: These 2 types of actions were based on:
a. the unique magical thinking of all children, who have a self-centered focus & a limited knowledge about how the world works
b. the many distortions & omissions fed to our growing brains by abusive parents, school, religion, our neighborhood & culture…..

(Es) EMOTIONS: (see list above in “Review”) ACoAs often say they “feel crazy”- which is actually a cognitive issue, not emotional – & we did think we were because most things truly didn’t make sense. That made our world chaotic & unpredictable, which is very scary to any child, who needs to feel safe as much as to feel loved.

THIS leads us back to self-forgiveness.
Forgiveness is always used in relation to having done something wrong. But as children much of what was labeled wrong about us was not! It doesn’t mean we were angels – far from it.  But we were reacting because every day we had to cope with extremely painful & frightening events.

So it’s not appropriate or relevant to use the concept of forgiveness toward ourselves as children – for the survival strategies we developed in dire circumstances.
There is nothing to forgive. ONLY ACCEPTANCE !

NEXT: Self-Forgiveness – in childhood (#6b)

OUTGROWING Co-Dep Niceness (Part 5b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , , ,


IT’S NOT EASY
to heal old wounds

PREVIOUS: Forgiving others #5a

SITEs: 15 things Forgiveness
DOESN’T mean….

• DECONTAMINATING ‘forgiveness‘

• How to Forgive with NLP

 

 

RECOVERY from “Too Nice Syndrome” (TSN) cont.

TOOL 5a. FORGIVING OTHERS (cont.)
(DEF. in Part 5a)

FORGIVING OTHERS is either:
1. for repairing relationships – to re-instate broken or lost trust
OR  2. letting go of the relationships because it cannot be repaired

NOTE: Forgiving in no way implies trusting another person, nor does it guarantee the continuation of the old relationship.

To repair a broken connection, both parties must participate.
• In some cases only one person has caused the problem – which they must own up to, & the aggrieved person will have to be willing to forgive. But forgiving a wound (to stop obsessing on the resentment) does not guarantee a reinstatement of trust. That has to be earned by the wounder, which is slow, & sometimes impossible.

Some relationships CAN NOT be fixed & some shouldn’t be. This is especially true when someone has persistently acted badly & continued to do so. Do not ignore this!
There are situations where it’s not worth the effort to reconnect. No matter how hard we try, it’s not going to work, because the other person is not willing to /capable of meeting us half way, not willing to consider what motivates their disruptive behavior. Without that, they will not change.
««
TOXIC people must be avoided whenever possible. If we’ve been exposed to one or more for any length of time, we need to get away from them as soon as possible, & then heal the aftereffects – using all our tools – so they don’t keep hurting us (inside) even once they’re gone.

• In other cases two people have butted heads, each hurting the other – reacting from unhealed damage. If the relationship is worth salvaging – to both – then each will need to go to their separate corners to figure out what in their own background set them off. Then eventually come together to share their awarenesses, using only ‘-I-‘ statements.

This too is usually slow. Sometimes each taking responsibility for their part will allow the relationship to continue – stronger – BUT it may not. While it means both know their side of the street is clean, which eliminates residual guilt & regret, they may rightly conclude they’re really not compatible, going forward. Then the parting can be sad, but prevents further hurt.

GROWTH
Letting go of anger (Es) & resentments (Ts) is internal, which must then be expressed externally by changing old patterns into healthy ACTIONS (As).

++ CHOICES – We’re responsible now for choosing to surround ourselves with people who are self-caring, positive & kind. Then there would be much less to forgive!  Recovery means being more discerning about who we trust. Since people tell us about themselves all the time – believe them!

So it’s not actually them we should trust, but ourselves. We can work our way out of denial by carefully listening to & observing what others express & then admit what we see & hear – especially when there’s a persistent pattern to someone’s erratic / cruel / narcissistic / unavailable behavior

++ SPEAKING UP – As we outgrow P-P we can be much less ready to automatically ‘forgive & forget’ indiscriminately. It’s not in anyone’s best interest. Repeatedly overlooking bad behavior in others not only harms us, but can also seriously affect loved ones, friends & co-workers who are around the acting out, to everyone’s detriment.
Our Emotional maturity includes holding people accountable for their inconsistencies & incompetence, for not keeping their agreements, for the damage they create, for abusive or disrespectful things they say…..

++ SELF-PROTECTION – Avoid blaming others when we’re upset, but speak up. Now if someone hurts our feelings or injures us in some other way, we must ask them to stop. AND their reactions are their alone!
If they won’t stop, we can remove ourselves or at least keep a distance. We are not responsible for what the other person did or did not do – only for our Es & the way we respond (As).
EXP: If someone steps on your toes, that’s on them. Definitely say OUCH! & move your foot.  If they keep stepping on it, that’s on you, for staying close enough for them to do it again & again.

NEXT: Accepting ourselves – in Childhood #6a

PERMISSION to LEAVE

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

images-1PREVIOUS:  “Kind Self-Healing” book

A NEW YEAR SUGGESTION

SITE: “Staying away
from TOXIC people”

Normally I’m not fond of cutesie, ‘uplifting’ saying, but I know some of us are still struggling with the belief that it’s unkind & selfish to disengage (whatever that means for you) from unhealthy people who do not take responsibility for their damage and don’t want to /can’t yet do the hard work of Recovery.

So I’m posting a bunch of statements about permission, in the hope
that they may be of encouragement to make some changes this year.

leave toxics

LEAVING THEM

angry people

poison people

let them go

allowed to leavesoul therapy

fresher air

god says drop

god says drop

your worth it

VICTIMS or NOT? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

HOW BAD WAS IT?
It’s hard for me to know!

PREVIOUS: Victims or Not?

REVIEW: “Feeling Sorry For….”

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

VICTIMs or NOT?  (V = victim , P = Perpetrator / abuser)
Victims can be of any age or gender & from any socio-economic level. While standards differ by culture, it occurs in every country. Because being a V. is often created at an early age, being abused (learned helplessness) is passed from generation to generation like a family disease, called the “inter-generational cycle”.

Victim’s reaction to abuse is great confusion. 
“Do I have a right to say, or even think, that what’s happening is really Abuse? I doubt it. After all, sometimes the other person is nice to me & fun to be with, says they can’t live without me, & tells me they’re sorry. And their actions aren’t always obvious to others, so I may just be making it all up!  Is feeling overwhelmed (self-doubting, drained, fearful, angry, frustrated, hopeless …) about what they are doing, or am I just over-reacting?”

ACoAs often get things backward: (S-H vs Truth)
OLD/NEWThe distorted logic of our self-hate says :
1. it wasn’t all that bad (although some part of us know it was)
2. they DID love us / they did the best they could
3. we were NOT really Victims – just annoying, needy, selfish, weak, bad, flawed kids – & will be forever!

Actually, sanity tells us the truth
✺ We did go thru a terribly painful, chaotic childhood – very real Victims of our home, neighborhood, school, religion, & playground.  We had no choice & very few options at the time. We were Vs then, BUT don’t have to be Vs any more.

YET, as long as we hold on to the S-H lies as our main internal reality, we’re stuck & can’t fully heal. Before Recovery – & sometimes long into it – ACoAs’ reaction to early trauma is either Perpetual Victim or Stoic.

a. Perpetual Victim:  Many ACoAs are still actively living in the old destructive patterns set out for us, & refuse to give up the V. role.
Their attitude is: “I was then & am forever a casualty of my family / school / church…..  I just can’t cope with life, so you can’t expect me to function. I can’t do anything differently now because I’m so debilitated by those experiences. Someone has to take care of me”….
We stay “sick” to stay loyal to our Parents, so we don’t have to:
• do the lifelong hard work of healing our wounds (feel the old pain, change CDs)
• fully take care of ourself as healthy adults, especially if we had to do that for a parent & siblings when we were kids. “Been there – done that”

The is one of many ACoA ironies:
🔶 we cling to deep denial – the abuse & neglect didn’t affect us!
BUT
🔷 we won’t try to heal & be comfortable because we’d lose the proof of what did happened to us back then! “If I get better, no one will ever know how bad it was, & I want everyone to see it & feel sorry for me!”.

This partially comes from a sad reality that most people in our culture assume that if someone ‘looks good / does well’ it means that :
the person is healthy, always had it easy, must have come from a good home, don’t have any problems & never needed to overcome anything.

So, ACoAs who desperately long for external validation for our trauma – from everyone – believe we can only get it if we stay miserable.
This keeps us torturing ourselves unnecessarily – a great shame. We DO need validation, from a few legitimate sources, but then it has to be internalized, so we always “know what I know” in any setting. (re. ACEs – w/ Tree)

re. Self-Pity – from John W. Garner (HEW Sec.)
“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics. It’s addictive, gives momentary pleasure, & separates the victim from reality.” For ACoAs – IT’S:
NEGATIVE: being perpetually immersed in the “poor-me’s”
POSITIVE: having deep compassion for ourself – not wallowing. (POSTs “Feeling Sorry for“).
We do have to mourn the loss of all the needs we never got met – a crucial part of Recovery, & the beginning of Transformation. (More…. re. image)

«
NEXT: Victim or NOT (Stoic)  #2

POSITIVE Responses to Painful Events (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

flowers 2 

 

PREVIOUS: Positive Responses – re events

REVIEW: Part 1: Events + Large Chart

POSTS : EMOTIONS – To Motivate


2. EMOTIONS Square
Healthy ACoAs are not afraid to feel, own & deal with our emotions. Es are a vital part of our self-protection & self-correcting mechanism, built in to our brain (the limbic system).  It doesn’t matter which ego state the emotions come from – they’re all part of us. As we learn to identify ‘who’s’ saying & feeling what (Ts & Es) – we can respond to internal cues more accurately

a. From the WIC (adapted child)
• These emotions will be left-over from our difficult childhood – abandonment terror, hopelessness, profound existential loneliness, rage, self-hate, even feeling suicidal – all based on actual experiences, PLUS internalizing those of our parents

b. From the Negative Introject
It includes all the dysfunction from their background, & their feelings towards us, including:
desperation, disgust, fear of abandonment, indifference, impatience, neediness  ……  emotions we absorbed & continue to carry – until they’re cleaned out.  We have to face our pain, but the thoughts & feelings of our parents MUST be given back to them! via repeated visualizations & statements

EXPs:
• “Dad, I love you but I can’t save you from mom’s cruelty. I tried to ease your pain, even taking on your covert suicidal feelings, but never could fix you. You chose her & stayed with her – it’s your marriage. You’re not my mate, so I give you back to her!”

• “Mom, I’ve been carrying your fear, helplessness & unfelt rage all these years, thinking it would help lift your burden. I’m sad that you’ve been suffering, but I know now it was an impossible task & not mine to deal with anyway. I’ve rolled up all your pain in a big black ball & now give it back to you. I have enough of my own to Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.34.34 PM.pngheal!”

c. From the Healthy Child  
• Our Natural Self, whether Introvert or Extrovert, is a combination of – amusement, amazement, anger, curiosity,  excitement, disappointment, love, joy, shyness, trust … and  envy, fear, greed, need, naiveté, selfishness, stubbornness ….  (PAC characteristics)

d. From the Loving Parent
• This is the missing ego state in all wounded ACoAs & so is the most important to develop, replacing the PP (pig parent / bad voice) : love, consistency, patience, persistence, sense of humor, tolerance, faith….. needed for positive self-care

NOTE : the Healthy Adult is basically emotion-free – primarily our computer mode, practical, rational & objective
ACCEPTANCE

i. I didn’t Cause it
Other people’s reactions to us speaks about who they are.
😻 Getting this truth into our cells is a core imperative !!! a requirement for peace of mind!  ONLY our co-dependence & narcissism says otherwise
ii. I can’t Control it
Being controlling is driven by anxiety – the fear of loss (abandonment) & the grandiose belief that we have power in powerless situations. (Serenity Prayer –  backwards). We can’t make others do or be what we want, only continue working on ourself
iii. I can’t Cure it
While some spiritual practices teach that we have all power, over everything – ultimately there are things in this lifetime we cannot cure, whether in ourselves or in others.  Focusing on the impossible is a waste of time & takes energy away from the many wonderful things we can accomplish!

Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.35.19 PMOTHER PEOPLE — Their reactions to our behavior can have something to do with us, directly OR indirectly IF:
a. about Them:
• we accidentally bump against a long-standing emotional ‘hot button’ in them (we ONLY create buttons in our own physical children)
• we inadvertently remind them of someone in their own damaged past
• we don’t go along with their narcissistic needs or expectations

b. about Us:
• when our unhealed rage &/or neediness pushes others away
• we keep asking unavailable people to be there for us when they can’t
• we consistently expect too much of others, including healthy ones
• we say or do something hurtful, disloyal, selfish…. from our damageScreen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.38.02 PM

🔸 The things WE ARE responsible for can be worked on in Recovery, especially things we do / say that hurt others.
To heal we have to own it all, objectively, without self-hate, & be willing to make changes.
Reasons that others may legitimately be uncomfortable with us (our repressed rage, neediness, unavailability…) will lessen as we develop our ‘UNIT’ & progressively interact with others in new ways.

NEXT: Positive Responses (Thinking)