acoa recovery

ACoAs & Boundary Distortion (Part 3)

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I GOTTA GET OUT’a HERE –but I’m stuck in YOUR mud!

PREVIOUS: B Distortion (#2)

 

The Family MOBILE
• All of us grew up as part of a larger generational inter-connected mobile – even if we were cut off from actually spending time with various relatives.
A mobile is a collection of objects that is in constant motion within a framework. A family is the most complicated, ever-changing one that exists, made up of human personalities.

The stability of a mobile depends on all the parts being in balance, in a specific relationship to all other parts.  But balanced does not automatically mMobiles-aquean it’s beautiful, safe from falling apart, nor having lots room to move.

IN unhealthy families, everything may look fine on the outside, but the mobile is barely holding together, or is so rigid it can’t move at all.  In the ARTICLE : “My 10-year-old says no one cares about him, and talks of suicide“ – the mother is shocked because she thinks everything is fine!

EXP:  Addicts upset a mobile’s very delicate symmetry. Their unpredictability, violence, contempt & self-focus distorts much of the family’s interaction. To keep the mobile’s skewed ‘balance’ other members try to adapt by:
— absorbing the addicts anger, & suppressing their own
— denying the effect of the addict’s behavior on everyone in the family
— avoiding the addict, while trying to cover up the dis-ease to outsiders
—> forcing each one to become progressively more skewed to make up for the addict’s constant disruptions, causing long-term damaged & being co-dependently trapped in that state.

• Dysfunctional families are always crammed full of confusion & chaos. But there are also rules that must be followed to keep the mobile from totally collapsing.
a. Equilibrium
On the one hand, no matter how distorted the mobile, each person has a part to play in keeping the status quo, called homeostasis. And just like an inanimate mobile returns to its normal state after being shaken up, so do families.
So if the addict goes into treatment to get clean & sober, their return to the family is often met with great resistance – & anger. They’ve changed too much – the role they originally played isn’t available, undermining the shape of the familiar structure, sending the whole setup tilting uncomfortably off its normal axis.

• If it’s the father – the most common way to regain the old balance is for the spouse, & even the kids – to manipulate the recovering person back into their original role by sabotaging their growth & getting them to drink or use again

• A better way would be to form a new mobile. But this is much harder, met with a lot of anger & may never work : every member of the family – still living at home – would have to face their own damage & make serious changes

EXP: Picture a broken arm that was never set professionally – it ‘heals’ crookedly & is only partially useful. To make it fully functional again it will have to be re-broken & set, then patiently wait for it to heal, maybe needing rehab & re-learning how to use it correctly!
It’s scary, painful & tedious. Broken lives & broken families are like that too, so people would rather keep to the twisted well-known ways than having to fix the problem in Recovery

b. Fragility
On the other hand, we learn how precarious the dysfunctional mobile actually is. Because members of a wounded family are bound by symbiotic needs rather than healthy egos – with self-hate, fear of abandonment & distorted boundaries – there’s little room for ‘error’ in the system (newness, difficulties, unexpected changes, expansion…). This mobile, with all its convoluted problems, has been jury-fragle castlerigged, held together by Toxic Rules & Toxic Roles.

• While it appears solid & inflexible / rigid, it’s actually too fragile to withstand any major shift, such as one person becoming sober or another going into Al-Anon / ACoA Recovery.
Unless other members are also willing to grow & be supportive, like at least one of the adults doing some deep soul-searching…. the family unit will fall apart. This is particularly threatening when there are small children, so members will do almost anything to keep the (sick) status quo.

NEXT: DETACHING w/ Boundaries, #1

ACoAs & Boundary Distortion (Part 2)

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no one caresI CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT
because nobody cares about me

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & B. Distortion (Part 1)

SITEs: ▪︎ GENOGRAMS – def
 ▪︎ Genogram explained

 

PARENTS with distorted Bs don’t know how to connect with their children in a fair & balanced way.  In “Boundaries – Defined”, we saw they can be either intrusive or uninvolved . Then children are either:

a. Being watched: Some of us grew up with an intrusive parent who needed to control everything & everyone in their environment (not just their kids). They were always on our back about something, overly critical, perfectionistic & boundary-less , sticking their nose in our business when we needed respect & some privacy. This was not a sign of loving concern!

• As a result these ACoAs continue to feel a creepy sense of having a camera over one shoulder – always judging, criticizing… assuming everyone else is also watching, watching, watching – waiting for our next ‘stupidity’ or mistake

d's mouseEXP: Sophie is 5 & it’s the first day of kindergarten. Her mother is fussing, worried that her daughter won’t behave perfectly, which will make the family look bad, & she won’t be there in person to make sure….

She gives all sorts of instructions – how to sit, what to say, what NOT to say…. Sophie is already scared & now she’s overwhelmed, so all she can do is stare. As they leave the house she hears her mother say – almost to her self: “I wish I could be a little mouse on the wall !”

• Sophie’s on her own for the first time, in a big room with other kids, all sitting in their little chairs, listening to the teacher – except for Sophie who is anxiously looking around the bottom edges of the walls, actually expecting to see a little mouse watching her from its hole, maybe with her mother’s eyes!

b. Being ignored: Other parents left us adrift – too much alone, unsupervised, unguided. Yet even as small children we were expected to know how to behave, & participate correctly in all sorts of social events, without being taught directly or setting a proper example. And they were oblivious to the burden they put on us!

hiding in public• One result is that externally – now we don’t have Bs with others, & internally – we haven’t learned to set Bs with ourself, so we do whatever the WIC feels like, no matter how unhealthy, using unsuccessful ways to get needs met (needs we’re not supposed to have!)

• Another result is that many of us who were neglected, are uncomfortable in public, especially with groups. We feel ill-equipped to socialize, sure we don’t know what to say or how to act. We watch other people to see how they manage, & even though we’re great mimics, we still don’t trust ourself to be acceptable. Extroverts will at least try but feel inadequate, & introverts don’t even bother!

EXP: Sheila was a bright, sensitive girl, living in a family that moved many times because of her father’s career. A talkative extrovert, she’d grown up mainly in the company of adults, so even tho’ there always were people around, she was very much alone.  She was expected to be sociable, charming, well-behaved & polite to the grown-ups, but she was deeply lonely, angry & hurt.

To cope, she found escape & solace in all kinds of books (before internet & cell phones) – in the library after school, reading while walking down the street!!, under the covers at night….
Once, when her mother wanted her full attention she commented sarcastically: “I can see it all now – you’ll be reading a book as you walk down the aisle!”

PS: Obviously, the mother’s passive-aggressive anger was showing:
a. her unconscious abandonment buttons got triggered
b. her narcissism kicked in, since she wasn’t a reader & didn’t see what was “so interesting”
c. she was oblivious to her daughter’s need for comfort & for a buffer when around her controlling mother
d. her lack of intellectual interest was obvious, or she would have encouraged the girl’s passion for knowledge

EXT: Boundary Distortion (Part 3)

ACoAs & Boundary Distortion (Part 1)

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BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING
Then why do I feel so alone?

PREVIOUS: How ACoAs B. Invade #2

SITES: Balance Theory – Wikipedia
• Balancing points (Mobile exercises for students)
• re. Family Systems Theory,  M Dombeck & J Wells-Moran


DYSFUNCTION
• Unhealthy parents with rigid or weak boundaries automatically invade the PMES space of their children – they can’t help it! As a result ACoAs grow up co-dependently enmeshed, not just with a specific parent but the whole toxic family system.
From that early model, we recreate our work & personal relationships in similar ways – invading & being invaded or keeping everyone at bay, because we don’t have the ability to enforce our personal space.

• For ACoAs, developing healthy Bs is a long, arduous & imperfect journey.  Remember – as long as we’re consistently reacting to people, places & things from damage (lack of Bs), we’re in the Child ego state – still not emotionally mature.

For those of us well on our way to a Whole Self, whenever we too react without Bs, we’ve regressed to an earlier stage of childhood, but are able to come back to the present more easily & quickly

• A sure sign of not having healthy Bs is when we habitually, compulsively consider ourself only in relation to others (co-dependence).  ACoAs are enmeshed with everyone – not just people we love, or even know. It’s so much a part of how we relate, we don’t recognize it as damage.

• One way it shows up is when we disagree with or disapprove of anything another person says or wants. We get really scared – especially if they don’t like our opinion. We’re confused, talk ourself out of dealing with it, OR we rant about it to others, obsessing about what we should have said or what we will – next time, but never do! The focus is on the other person, rather than ourself.
EXPs:
✓ “I want to tell her I didn’t like what she said last week, so she’ll understand (get it) & not talk to me that way again…..”
✓ “I can’t tell them I don’t want to do that anymore because they will be upset / hurt / angry”
✓ “I’d like to tell him what I think about what’s going on between
use othersus, but he won’t get it, so why bother”….

SINCE we’re not allowed to know what we need, we use others:
— to ‘complete’ us (review symbiosis) AND
— to set limits for us, as if we were still infants!
Their agendas & desires become our blueprint for responses & activities. Without boundaries we’re at everyone else’s whim.
OR use others :
— to have someone to copy (symbiose with). Once we figure out what they want or what they’re doing, we mold ourselves to that, even though very often it’s not what suits us nor that we actually want!

• Since the WIC is looking for a definitive outline of what’s expected of it, in a desperate (usually unconscious) desire to stay connected, to avoid feeling abandoned, to be taken care of – we will do anything to please others, usually at our expense, so they won’t be angry or be hurt, & then go away!

Therefore, ACoAs can get very upset when ‘significant’ people:
— change their minds a lot, are undependable, unpredictable
— expect us to “just know” what they want. Since they don’t say it directly we’re constantly trying to guess
— lie, are chaotic, hard to read, drugged, crazy…..
Without Recovery, we then freeze, run around in circles, get angry or depressed…. because we don’t have our own core to guide us.

RECOVERY
One of the important thing for ACoAs to do on a regular basis is to speak up on behalf of our Inner Child – because the WIC can’t.

With good Bs we can practice saying what’s truly on our mind — we do not need everyone to validate our thoughts, feelings or existence!  and
— it is not necessary for the other person to see us, understand, or change their behavior. Some will & some won’t.
And when dealing with self-centered controllers, we can be sure they will NOT get it. An Al-Anon saying is: “Take the action & let go of the result!”

NEXT: B. Distortions (Part 2)

BOUNDARIES & ACoAs (Part 4)

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inner conflict 

YOU’RE GETTING TOO CLOSE –
Hey, where are you going?

PREVIOUS: Bs & ACoAs (Part 3)

REVIEW posts: “Separation & Individuation”

 

3. The SYMBIOTIC DILEMMA  (cont)
a. Fear of Engulfment
b. Feat of Separation

A basic requirement for S & I is a sense of efficacy – able to (allowed to) have an appropriate effect on our environment

SYMPTOMS of poor or no Separation & Individuation (S & I) :
• weak sense of Self: the child’s core injury comes from not receiving a meaningful, empathic emotional response from mother
• narcissistic vulnerability is based on shame of having needs : child is injured by being constantly slighted or ignored
• emotional detachment or clinging: abandonment is played out as “come here – go away” in adult relationships

CONSEQUENCES of symbiosis : creates difficulty with —
✓ feeling all our emotions
✓ loving others unselfishly
✓ nurturing our young
✓ mourning the dead
✓ boundaries re. time & space
✓ caring about the human race
✓ dealing with conflict (isolating) & taming aggression….

✶ These problems make it very hard for ACoAs to have healthy intimacy, often relating to others as if we each were inanimate objects, used to fix unresolved infantile issues

‘COME HERE – GO AWAY’  
A common example of the symbiotic conflict is the push-pull syndrome.
While some ACoAs are primarily Stayers & others primarily Leavers, there are some whose conflict is subtle & very confusing because both are acted out in every relationship. Either way, ACoAs don’t realize we’re recreating our early abandonment – again & again

1. Come-Here/Go-Away : ACoAs very much want to have relationships, but don’t acknowledge our deep fear of emotional closeness. We invite people in, let them come close if they approach, & some of us even compulsively chase after anyone we can snag
✶ At the same time, we have an invisible barrier around us used as a substitute for real Bs others cannot see & that we are rarely aware of
2. As someone gets emotionally & physically closer, wants to know more about us, spend more time, be more permanent – we start to panic. Since we’re not allowed to say what we need, want & don’t want, how we feel…. if we let them in we’ll be taken over by their needs & wants

3. As the person moves in, they inevitably cross that ‘line in the sand’ the WIC is hiding behind BUT which we never acknowledge, so can’t verbalize.
Then how can we possible expect others to know when they’ve gotten too close?
We feel invaded, suffocated, endangered – terrified. At that point the need to protect ourselves is much greater than our fear of being alone!

4. As the terror builds we do or say things that are a slap in the face to this person who cares about us – we verbally punch them in the stomach &/or become distant & unavailable.  They are shocked, hurt, confused, appalled! They try to figure out what they did wrong — but their only sin was getting too close to our wounded self! So naturally they back off & then go away!

5. Now it gets interesting! WE have pushed the person away by cruelty or withholding AND then wonder why they withdrew!  Suddenly our abandonment fear come to the fore & we act confused & surprised at the others reaction!  Where did you go?? & WHY?

6. So without understanding what we’ve done – that we set up the painful outcome – some of us will invite, cajole, beg the person to come back to us.  If they do, AND we still cannot identify where our boundaries are, they’ll come too close again, & the cycle repeats!

• This pattern is crazy-making for us & our friends or partners. It makes them sad & eventually very angry.  We are condemning ourselves to an endless round of seduction & loss.  We look like the crazy one, hate ourselves more, blame others, say we can’t trust anyone, think we can’t love or the ‘universe’ is against us….. without looking at our Symbiotic Conflict!good Bs

RECOVERY – As Usual 😔
•  Admit our damage – cut thru denial
• Feel the old rage & terror
• Nurture the Inner Child
• Reduce S-H, CDs & obeying the PP
• Connect with others in Recovery
• Form an alliance with the loving H.P.

NEXT: How ACoAs Boundary Invade

BOUNDARIES & ACoAs (Part 3)

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 no Bs
COME HERE  — GO AWAY
 You’re too close! Hey, why are you leaving?

PREVIOUS: Bs & ACoAs (Part 2)

 

3. The SYMBIOTIC DILEMMA
 Sigmund Freud concluded that there were 2 main psychological forces in humans – Eros & Thanatos, love & death, sex & violence (where have we heard that before??).
They are strong instincts which he called “an original self-subsisting instinctual disposition in man”.  These drives give people a kind of psychic “energy” which can be diverted into other areas (not repressed), giving some form of satisfaction.

Modern psychologists (Kohut, Mahler, Winnicut ….) have given us a revised understanding of these 2 forces: Attraction & Repulsion, Connection & Separateness, Attachment & Individuation.  In balance, both extremes are necessary for us to be psychologically sound. To feel safe we need connection, but to be our own person we need to be separate.

• For ACoAs, however, this internal tug-of-war is lose-lose. No matter how ‘wonderful’ we think the various individuals to be (‘my mom is the greatest – honest!’….), in a toxic family system both of these basic needs are distorted.
The wounded caregiver can be:  fearful or angry, withholding or intrusive, distant or controlling – all are scary & damaging. We end up as adults equally afraid of commitment AND of abandonment. push-pull

a. Fear of one-ness with mother —> being engulfed.  The result in the child is the need to form Rigid Bs (walls).
Having absorbed an unsafe mother (introjected object), the child feel the threat of loosing it’s True Self because of the caretaker’s lack of Bs.
Any fragments of their own identity are very precious to the child & need to be protected. This may happen by regressing to an ‘autistic’ stage – a normal part of infant development outgrown in a loving environment, but for us became stunted, limited or suppressed
~ AND ~
b. Fear of separateness from mother —-> being abandoned Results in Weak or no Bs: At the same time, because the internalized mother is unhealthy & can’t protect the child’s True Self from her damage, the whole world feels unsafe.
The outside is assumed to be as threatening as our family, so we’re reluctant to venture out & stand on our own.  The fear is that we’ll be set adrift in an alien, chaotic world knowing we don’t have a strong base to return to – so why leave?

Wounded adults who STAY (Ss) too long – the clingers in any type of relationship, and the LEAVERS (Ls) – who are afraid of getting too close  — are very often drawn to each other!
CHART : C = Conscious  //   Un = Unconscious
FoA = Fear of abandonment // FoC = Fear of commitment

• On a conscious level both types seem to be polar opposites – always at odds, demanding what the other cannot give. Ls want freedom, Ss want security.
• The key to understanding this unlikely attraction is what’s going on underneath.  In the unconscious, each had the exact opposite fear, but the Ls are not aware of their FoA, & the Ss vehemently deny their FoC.  The hidden part of each resonates with the other, acting as a magnet which keeps them repeating the pattern set up in their family

BTW – what proves that Stayers are afraid of commitment?
They keep is : they keep picking Leavers who are deeply unavailable, physically or emotionally, so they can avoid letting anyone get too close to their WIC. Just because they get married doesn’t mean they’re capable of actual intimacy!

• AND, what do the Leavers get from choosing Ss?
Not only someone who will never leave them, but also someone they can rebel against!
They can have the illusion of being wanted, needed, loved… & still stay at arm’s length.  It’s an illusion, because the Ls are just as afraid of someone knowing how vulnerable they feel inside that armor, & the damaged Ss they hook up with are looking to be taken care of, behind their wall of self-hate.

This core conflict goes unresolved as long as our WIC has a high level of anxiety, which is old FoA terror not discharged (by deep emotional release work) AND a weak or missing Loving Inner Parent to replace the cruel Bad Voice (the UNIT).

NEXT: Bs & ACoAs (Part 4)

BOUNDARIES & ACoAs (Part 2)

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love hurts
I DO THE BEST I CAN –
why does love always hurt me?

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Bs (#1)


2. ACoAs & Boundaries (Bs)  (cont)

c. Some Results of not having healthy Bs
i.  FAILURE: No matter how badly we were treated or how angry we were about it, like all children – we were/are deeply attached to our parents & didn’t / don’t want to injure them.
They indicated that their unhappiness was our fault (‘Parents Blaming Us‘) – so we turned ourselves inside out in a desperate attempt to protect them – but it never worked.

Realistically, we could never satisfy them, because what they objected to was:
— normal behavior for a child, with our many developmental needs & limitations
— a reaction to us from their unhealed damage (buttons) which never had anything to do with us

EXP: One young mother would snap at her 8-year-old whenever Katie came home from school excited by a newly learned piece of info: “Mom, mom, did you know that ________?”
The wounded ACoA parent would say with great annoyance: “Of course I know that!” instead of being proud of her daughter. What the mother ‘heard’ was that her own intelligence was being questioned, which came from being constantly put down by her mother!

ii. RISK: We developed a fear of taking any kind of risk, because it wasn’t safe to be ourselves at home where it should have been. How could we expect it to be safe anywhere else in the world, with strangers?

This unconsciously created a fear of ‘leaving home‘ (S & I), so even if we physically move far away, we’re internally loyal to the very system that crippled us, by staying attached to their toxic rules!
We isolate or stay & stay in harmful situations & with unavailable or abusive people, don’t follow our dreams, or if we try – we stop short of reaching our goals….

iii. INTENSITY: Given the message that we were “too much” for them, our child’s grandiosity made us conclude that we were ‘negatively powerful. The conclusion was that IF we were so detrimental to our family, we would naturally hurt everyone else in the world too – especially with our rage – making us afraid to let anyone get too close to us as adults.

✶ALSO, it left many of us with the deep-seated belief that it would be better if we were dead – it would spare our family the suffering we seemed to be causing then but couldn’t change!

People-pleasing / Rescuing
Trying to be here for others but having weak or missing Bs :
To US — we get used by others
— overwhelmed by their damageB-less ACoA
— get burned out & exhausted
— eventually get enraged & attack
— bitter & disappointed with ‘love’

To OTHERS
— they get bored with us, or never let go
— criticize us for not being perfect
— take as much as they can
— unaware of our needs & hurt
— blame us for their weaknesses

d. No Boundaries – No Choices
Un-recovered ACoAs, even those of us who see ourselves as strong, smart, adventurous…. act like victims because we don’t internal permission to choose who we connect with & who we leave behind, from a deep sense of powerlessness!

Without Bs we fall into the co-dependent trap, because:
• we’re so afraid of having to face our abandonment pain, AND our S-H says no one can possibly love us . What a double bind!

So when someone ‘wants’ us – our WIC is so relieved – that we accept them, even though they may be totally inappropriate, self-centered & just using us as their narcissistic supply.
Often some deep part of us knows they’re unsuitable, it won’t work out & we may not even really like them! BUT —

• we convince ourselves to stay, because they have some qualities we find appealing, maybe similar to ourself – even though it’s not nearly enough to offset the enormity of their dysfunction (addictions, depression, self-hate, immaturity, narcissism, controlling, cruelty…)

• we’re afraid to reject anyone, worry about hurting their feelings, identify with their pain… instead of honoring ourselves (we identify too much with their WIC, while ignoring our own!)
• we focus on fulfilling their needs, wants and demands, so they won’t get upset & shut us out – while most of ours go unmet.

NEXT: ACoAs & Bs (#3)

BOUNDARIES – Healthy Source (Part 2)

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mom-child bond 

I GET ALL MY NEEDS MET
& I don‘t have to do anything!

PREVIOUS: Bs – Healthy Source (Part 1)

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

1. NORMAL DEVELOPMENT (cont.)
While going through the Developmental Process, children look to their parents to be the source of all PMES provisions:
• Parents are experienced as ‘gods’ = all-powerful, all-knowing, all-providing, & baby has direct access, without having to earn it

• Small children have strong & erratic emotions. When the mother is not emotionally fragile – their adoration, clinging, neediness, tantrums, withdrawals, rages…. will not injure or topple ‘god’ – ie. Love is NOT conditional on the child’s behavior or reactions towards the parent. When her love is unfailing, the universe is safe!

John Bradshaw often stated: Before the age of 7 children ‘deify their parents, & after 7 they parentalize their Deity’. This means that how we experience a Higher Power is a reflection of how well or how badly our parents treated us! But this is not who God is, since He has no weakness. A truism from ACA meetings is that “God is NOT an alcoholic parent”!

• Without their own boundaries, infants need the mother’s affection & attention to not be ambivalent, because babies have to deal with:
External stressors:
Too much input coming at them from many sources, which thebaby stressy can’t process by themselves. Mother needs to arrange their world to minimize over-stimulation, while also providing the right amount (touch, music, talking…). Her ability to limit internal & external excitement for baby is a substitute for its lack of defenses, until it can mature to form it’s own

Internal stressors:
• Physical needs: hunger, wetness, gas / need for safety & comfort…. for caregiver to protect from discomfort & pain = holding, burping, changing, feeding, attention, affection….

• Emotional reactions: extreme, all B & W, without grays – rage, terror, intense frustration, as well as over-excitement, joy, pleasure…. Need for mother to tame & channel emotional buildups before they explode, by breaking into the child’s ‘trance’ of intensity, whether too high or too low.
Also to limit & protect child from their own behaviors (pounding their head or first, throwing a tantrum, manically running around, screaming with excitement….)safe connection

Mother needs to have good Bs, so she can:
• be emotionally available & responsive to baby, AND provide a one-way affection bond, allowing the child the freedom to develop in a protected environment, without having to take care of the adult
• give baby reliable non-verbal communications & appropriate interactions, to establish the child’s ability to trust others
• clearly give the message that having needs & getting them met is normal, acceptable & will not harm her in any way
REMEMBER – It’s not possible to have sound boundaries without the right to having needs

In a HEALTHY family, children learn that:
• parents’ emotions are consistent & separate from those of the child
• parents do not compete with their children for anything: not for attention, affection, information, skills, friends, support, validation….
• kids are allowed a wide range of emotions without punishment
• extremes of emotions do not usually indicate ‘reality’ (danger)
• managing all emotions is taught, directly & by example
• a distinction is clearly made between real trauma & small problems

CHART: Healthy Attachment & Separation
Birth: mother & child are ONE – normal symbiosisS & I
Early years: parents are a stable, consistent source of comfort and knowledge. Children’s emotional life is intense & extreme, fluctuating a great deal.
As they grow, they need the opportunity to move away from under the parental wing for self-expression & then back again, knowing they’ll be welcomed without judgment AND without hurting their parent’s feelings or ego for being a separate entity!
The child can make mistakes, be emotionally dramatic, learn about their capacities & limits, knowing there’s a safe base to return to.

Adolescence: a time for more distinct separation & individuation. Some rebellion is necessary, & separation is achieved by forming outside attachments, including limited sexual interplay
Adulthood: a clear sense of self.  Parents are never peers, only other adults whom we value & love but do not n-e-e-d!

Next: ACoAs & Boundaries (#1)

BOUNDARIES – Healthy Source (Part 1)

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I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE –
I feel safe & loved

PREVIOUS: Bs Defined (#2)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

The TIES THAT BIND
• Having boundaries (Bs) is the opposite of being enmeshed (symbiotic)**. Humans are not born with Bs, & have to develop them with the guidance of healthy nurturing, so the main caregiver (usually the mother) needs to be a secure base from which the infant can safely explore its environment.

A well-grounded mother experiences the child as separate from herself, although from her body, so even if she’s anxious or sick, is able to be nurturing because she finds the helplessness & needs of the baby irresistibly appealing. She is not overwhelmed or put off by them, like in alcoholic / dysfunctional homes

• With the proper care, gradually the all-consuming ME of the child will separate from the NON-ME (all others), & personal boundaries are formed.  Being given a solid foundation is crucial before the age of 9 or 10, as by then our defense mechanisms are SET, & a bad beginning will generate a harmful crop of ‘negative protections” that are hard to change

**Symbiosis: At birth: “….is experienced by both the mother & child as a temporary merging or sharing of their needs”, an important early phase of omnipotent fusion (very deep) between the two, In a safe environment, this merging is gradually given up by the child over a long process of S & I. 

This infant’s experience is: I cried, I got fed, aren’t I great! This sense of invincibility is alternately —
— ascribed by the baby to the grandiose Self –> “I’m all-powerful”
— & about the idealized mother/caretaker –> “She’s all-powerful”
As the child separates & internalizes the parent, IF it’s a loving, healthy experience, he or she can safely become their own person, with a sturdy sense of self-hood, along with a Positive Introject

•  When this satisfying connection is not available or not adequate for the child, it spills over into adulthood, so that in unhealthy relationships: “…. symbiosis is still going on, occurring when two or more individuals behave as though between them they only have one complete personality….”, rather than being 2 separate people.

Neither have a full complement of ego states, so that one person acts from their Adult & Parent while the other only from their Child part – forming one false ‘whole’ ‘between them.
This is why it’s so hard for co-dependents to leave what others may see as destructive attachments – they would be cutting off a ‘part of themselves‘ since they haven’t yet grown their own complete identity.

1. Normal Development
• Children are highly intuitive, intelligent & curious. But at first they experience little difference between Self & others, between inner & outer, fantasy & reality.  The work of Mahler, Kernberg, Hartmann, Spitz et.al. identified 3-4 important developmental stages – not in a straight line but more like a fluctuating helix:

i. Autistic or Undifferentiated = in the first month of life, during which the infant is in its own inner world, with a minimum awareness of ‘others’, focused on reducing physical (hunger, wet diaper…. & emotional tension (fear, uncertainty, loss….)

ii. Symbiotic = for the next 4 months, the infant becomes more aware of the mother / caretaker as the source of fullness & warmth, but not as a separate person

early developmentiii. Separation-Individuation (S & I)  = made up of a series of sub-phases, thru the 3rd or 4th years of life, when the child begins to investigate the world beyond its own body through sight, locomotion, language…. & later, conflicts with mother about needing her vs. needing some independence, which requires much help in balancing

iv. Object Constancy, developed during the S & I period (if allowed!) around age 2 1/2 to 3, when the child is capable of experience both the good /providing & bad /withholding sides of the mother as one whole, as basically dependable & trustworthy, not perfect but not dangerous — assuming she’s mentally & emotionally sound! (MORE….)

NEXT: Bs – Healthy Source (Part 2)

BOUNDARIES Defined (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

gates 3IT’S UP TO ME
what I allow in, & what I don’t agree to!

PREVIOUS:
Boundaries Defined (#1)

REVIEW: My Rights – Qs. & Having Rights


Joy2MeU: “One task in recovery is to learn to re-align our defense system with healing & Love, instead of self-destruction.”

VISUAL IMAGES of Boundaries (Bs)
a. As a ZIPPER
Bs can be seen as an impermeable but clear energy container completely surrounding us, with an invisible zipper down the front, from head to toe. We can see out & others can see us, but we are inside a protective shield. The zipper allows for easy access, but what’s of major importance is whether the zipper tab in on the inside or the outside!

➖ EXTERNAL: If the tab is on the outside, anyone we invade us by pulling it up or down, as they please, so we’re always at the mercy of others
➕ INTERNAL: If it’s on the inside, then WE decide when to open ourselves up – or not. ALSO, how far down we pull the tab speaks to how much of ourselves we choose to expose, depending on the situation & our current state of mind (even with the same person or environment).

b. As our SKIN (like on our body) IT:
• breathes, so it lets toxins out and take in nutrients
• can be injured, but also repaired
• covers us completely, thus containing all our physical components
• is elastic, so can expand & contract….

Bs as skinPURPOSE of Boundaries
They are ‘Ego Barriers’ which are needed to guard our Inner Space, so we can:

1. Deal with the OUTSIDE WORLD positively
• by Screening : protect from danger or unpleasantness, TO
— cut down intake of too much noise, info, activities, people
— eliminate toxic people, substances, locations – whenever possible
— protect from subtle manipulation, too many demands, confusing communications – anything that can inundate us

• by Interpreting: understand the specific meaning of something
— TO be able to read people & situations accurately
— not assume everyone or everything is dangerous to us
— correctly assess what someone is saying or wanting from us
— think of 2-3 different causes for events – not just bad ones

2. Manage our INTERACTIONS with the world
• by Modulating oneself: temper, soften, tone down, vary, TO
— not over-react to ‘normal’ situations
— choose when & where to be boisterous vs silent, angry or rageful, when to fight vs back down….
— know when to say something & when not to, and how

• by Regulating oneself: adjust according to a standard in order to insure success, TO
— behave appropriately, depending on the venue & event – based on  self-respect
— pick the right time to ask questions, conduct business, communicate our upset or bad news…. with someone
— accomplish a goal : follow the rules of the relevant group we want to interact with – if not in conflict with our personal values

QUADRANTS of Interaction — dealing with struggles, using Bs
Q 1 – Open with Self : identify Bs you can practice on yourself, setting limits on self-defeating acts
Q 2 – Open with others : be available to help or participate with, as it fits who you are
Q 3 – Closed with Others : about the Takers in life, so be sure to set PMES limits with them, to protect your energy output
Q 4 – Closed with Self : TOO self-disciplined – need to release rigid Bs. Take breaks & put the joy back into your life.

NEXT: Boundaries & ACoAs (Part 1)

BOUNDARIES Defined (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

boundary gate 1
IT’S UP TO ME
what I allow & what I don’t agree to!

PREVIOUS: INFO & the Brain #4

SITE: “Vision & Self-Knowledge” – CHARTS


BOUNDARIES (Bs) are an essential component of physical, mental, emotional & spiritual health (PMES).  They are the beneficial “rules of relationships”, representing the opposite of being manipulative.
The difference between asserting boundaries & manipulation? When we set a boundary, we let go of the result!

• Children are not born with a built-in concept of Bs, being more likely to resist any sort of limits – so it’s natural for them to test how much they can get away with.
However, because the world is a big, overwhelming, unpredictable, & therefore a scary place – they have a great need together given appropriate Bs, & will actually feel safer when those are provided. No matter how much children may struggle against Bs at first, when parents gently insist & persist, most of them learn & adapt to legitimate rules quite easily.

nourishing parent• Nourishing parents are both good role models & good teachers of Bs. They set limits that are — age appropriate, reasonable & consistent, in ways the child can understand. When taught to respond to healthy Bs & then incorporate them, children become well-mannered & confident adults.

Boundaries are about:
• protecting our body, our identity, our rights, our values
• expressing specific needs, wants & preferences
• making it clear what is acceptable, or not, from others
• choosing who & what we want to allow into our lives

Joy2MeU: “Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves.  It’s our responsibility to take care of ourselves – to protect ourselves when necessary.
– It’s impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves (owning our rights & responsibilities) without having a Self
– It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone else with no boundaries, who can’t communicate directly, honestly”

a. Too MUCH – Limits that are too narrow & rigid for a child, creating a great deal of confusion them so they don’t want to venture out into the world, for fear of being constantly overwhelmed or making a fool of themselves.
Children raised with stifling Bs become afraid TO:
• think for themselves or take independent actions without being told what to do, think or feel
• take any kind of risk, even normal ones
• express their creativity, imagination, sense of possibilities
• reach their highest potential, prevent them from expressing their True Self, keep their ‘light under a bushel’

AND of course, some kids will eventually rebel by not wanting any limits! They go haywire & end up harming themselves & others

b. Too LITTLE – Too loose or non-existent Bs allow for too many options, don’t give guidelines about where to draw the line in dealing with self or others. It tells children they’re not actually cared for, not important enough to guide.
They’re ALSO afraid, but it’s hidden under blatantly angry attitude & behavior. They become adults who:
• are convinced they’re entitled to anything & everything
• are rude, disruptive & disrespectful, any time or any place limits are set for them
• don’t have empathy for other people’s needs & feelings
• don’t know how to get along with others, often getting into trouble, & are disliked by most people
• don’t consider or care about the consequences of their action
• ignore or fight against all forms of authority

💦 Both styles damage children’s self-esteem because unconditional love is missing.
Both styles indicate parental dysfunction & concern for their own needs at their children’s expense.
(POST: Good vs bad parenting . Compare w/ Healthy Parenting

🎯 PREREQUISITE for having Bs
We cannot develop Bs if we don’t know what our NEEDS are – where the line in the sand is. This means believe we have rights, since activating Bs requires expressing them.
We have to:
• know all 3 types of needs, specific to our True Self (not the ones the disease tells us to want !)
• have internal permission to acknowledge & honor those needs, in opposition to the PP voice
• actively provide those needs, both for ourselves & with the help of others, when appropriate (Fundamentals)

NEXT: Boundaries Defined (Part 2)