IT’S UP TO ME
what I allow & what I don’t agree to!
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SITE: “Vision & Self-Knowledge” – CHARTS
BOUNDARIES (Bs) are an essential component of physical, mental, emotional & spiritual health (PMES). They are the beneficial “rules of relationships”, representing the opposite of manipulation.
The difference between asserting boundaries & being manipulative? When we are setting a boundary, we let go of the result!
• Children are not born with a built-in concept of Bs, being more likely to resist any sort of limits – so it’s natural for them to test how much they can get away with. However, because the world is a big, overwhelming, unpredictable, & therefore a scary place – they have a great need for appropriate Bs & actually feel safer when provided. No matter how much children may struggle against Bs at first, when parents gently insist & persist, most of them learn & adapt to legitimate rules quite easily.
• Nourishing parents are both good role models & good teachers
of Bs. They set limits that are: age appropriate, reasonable & consistent, in ways the child can understand. When taught to have healthy Bs, children become well-mannered & confident adults.
Joy2MeU: “Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves. It’s our responsibility to take care of ourselves – to protect ourselves when necessary.
– It’s impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without having a Self – owning our rights & responsibilities
– It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, who can’t communicate directly, honestly”
a. Too MUCH – Limits that are too narrow & rigid for a child , creating a great deal of confusion for children so they don’t want to venture out into the world, for fear of being constantly overwhelmed or making a fool of themselves.
• to think for themselves or take independent actions without being told what to do, think or feel
• of taking any kind of risk, even normal ones
• to express their creativity, imagination, sense of possibilities
• to reach their highest potential, prevent them from expressing their True Self, keep their ‘light under a bushel’
AND THEN, some kids will eventually rebel by not wanting any limits! They go haywire & end up harming themselves & others
b. Too LITTLE – Too loose or non-existent Bs allow for too many options, don’t give guidelines about where to draw the line in dealing with self or others. It creates children who feel uncared for, not important enough to guide.
They too are afraid, but it’s hidden under blatantly angry behavior, They:
• ignore all forms of authority
• are rude, disruptive & disrespectful, any time, any place limits are set for them
• are convinced they’re entitled to anything & everything
• don’t know how to get along with others, often getting into trouble, & are disliked
• don’t consider or care about the consequences of their action
• don’t have empathy for other people’s feelings
💦 Both styles damage children’s self-esteem because unconditional love is missing in childhood. Both styles indicate parental dysfunction & concern for their own needs at their children’s expense. (POST:Good vs bad parenting . Compare w/ Healthy Parenting, from ACoA website)
Boundaries are about:
• protecting our body, our identity, our rights, our values
• expressing specific needs, wants & preferences
• making it clear what is acceptable, or not, from others
• choosing who & what we want to allow into our lives
🎯 PREREQUISITE for having Bs
We cannot develop Bs if we don’t believe we have rights, since activating Bs means expressing those rights, so we have to:
• know what our need* are – common to all humans, and those specific to our True Self (not the damaged self!)
• have internal permission to acknowledge & honor those needs, in opposition to the PP voice
• actively provide those needs, both for ourselves & with the help of others when appropriate
*NEEDS – fundamental ones common to all people, everywhere, in all time-frames, from absolute necessities to the most precious: Subsistence, Protection, Affection, Understanding, Participation, Leisure, Creation, Identity, Freedom…..
NEXT: Boundaries Defined (Part 2)