acoa recovery

Enneagram Type 3 – Flaws in us ALL

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Screen Shot 2015-08-25 at 1.16.26 AM

 

PREVIOUS: Type 2 flaws

IMPORTANT
Review explanation for each category
in the INTRO post 
Associated Type inside the ( )

 

Type 3 COWARDICE because of CDs (#6)
• re. failure: think that failure is simply not allowed in you vocabulary, or is something you’ve never experienced first-hand
• re. being unmasked: worry, often unconsciously, that you’ll be found out to be a fraud in some way
• re. intimacy: think you can’t get too close to others emotionally, because it would make you too vulnerable, be less able to function/ achieve, or reveal your inadequacy in this area

Type 3 FLATTERY (#2)
• think about how to create a positive impression in another’s eyes – by pretending to be more interested in the others than you actually are
• think through how to engage famous or important people, so that some of their celebrity rubs off on you
• never share your real thoughts about another person – especially negative ones – so you won’t ruin your image or your relationship

Type 3 LAZINESS / Indolence (#9)
You’re often thought of as very focused (or over-focused), but many 3s use their Arrow Line to Nine as a break from stress. YOU:
• don’t want to think about anything serious, so get into relaxing routines (soc-med, jogging, food…), more as a way to not pay attention to yourself
• believe that emotions are a distraction from work, then escape into activity that will avoid them
• don’t reflect on who you really are. Instead, see yourselfshare success? as the persona you’ve created

Type 3 MOODINESS (melancholy & resulting separation) (#4)
• Think of yourself as a fake who pretends to be something you’re not (or not fully) & eventually will get ‘caught’
• Believe you’re totally without value when something you’ve tried to do doesn’t work
• think you’re completely adrift & a nobody when you have no goals or plans

Type 3 PLANNING – as compulsion (#7)
Plan how to achieve a specific goal you’ve set for yourself, how to get from point A to point B as efficiently & effectively as possible

Type 3 RESENTMENT (#1)
• Obsess about why someone disrespected you for your abilities, then treat them in a way that shows a lack of respect
• Obsess about how someone in authority changed the rules of the game on you in mid-stream
• Can’t understand why other team members are so incompetent or show such a lack of commitment to your joint activity

Type 3 STINGINESS (#5)
• with time: think yours is more valuable than that of others
• with sharing success: Believe you must compete with others to be successful and win, or else you’ve failed
• with sharing certain information about yourself: think that opening up would make you seem less confident or not accomplished

Type 3 VANITY (#3)
• Decide, consciously or unconsciously, to delete information about yourself that would make you look bad
 to yourself & to others
• Think you can accomplish just about anything you set your mind to
• Believe you’re the image of success which you’ve created – confusing your Real Self with that image

Type 3 VENGEANCE (#8)
What sets you off is thinking someone :
• has made you look bad or sabotaged you
• blamed you for a problem that was not you responsibility
• taken credit for your work

REACTION: dismiss the person as a ‘loser’ & think of ways to ignore them
GROWTH: Be willing to disclose information that may not make you look good or may not conform with my ‘public’ image – IF safe or appropriate

ALSO
Type 3 DISTORTED LENS
Narrow focus : embellish reality by assuming your accomplishments & qualities are better than you imagine them to be
Lesson: ‘Blinders’ on any part of your vision can make you miss the most important elements of a situation

Type 3 HANGING ON (need to let go)
Hold on to:
• under-expressed sadness, anxiety, anger
• being competent, resourceful, goal-driven, effective, successful, confident

Why: to keep your ‘sense of self as the person who’ can accomplish whatever you want by being goal orientated, & intensely focus
Let go of: the belief you must follow societal (or your social-referent group) standards of success to feel good about yourself

Type 3 put OFF-BALANCE by:
• having goals changed on you by an outside factor or individufalse freedomal
• not knowing what you want to do
• being ‘forced’ to discuss strong emotional reactions in depth

Type 3 MAYA (delusion)
Doing what you think you want is actually doing what you think you should want, & not understanding the difference between them

Type 3 WORRY
“What if I can’t really do this? What if I don’t live up to expectations? How do I know what I really want (rather than what I think I should want)? Will I get found out?”

NEXT: All Flaws – Type 4

Enneagram Type 2 – Flaws in us ALL

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type 2 EVERY HAS TO LIKE ME
or else I’m wither away

PREVIOUS: Type 1 – all flaws


IMPORTANT
Review explanation for each category
in the INTRO post 
Associated Type inside the ( )


Type 2 COWARDICE, because of CDs (#6)
• re. being alone : when you’re alone for long periods of time (or could be as short as an hour) you think something’s very wrong, becoming anxious & at a loss for what to do
• re. admitting your dependency needs: believe you don’t depend on others, but rather that others need & depend on you

• re. not being “nice”: you believe everything you do is & must be thoughtful & considerate. So when you’re not, you try to come up with reasons that your thoughts, feelings or actions weren’t all that ‘bad’, or were just a reaction to someone else’s ‘poor’ behavior

Type 2 FLATTERY (#2)  THINKING –
• about what each person might need from you
• that you should do something you really don’t want to do, then doing it, so you won’t feel like a selfish person
• how to engage another in conversation about them, & not at all about you

Type 2 LAZINESS / Indolence (#9)
You may seem a little distracted & vague, or focused & extremely alert. But all 2s are indolent in specific ways. YOU
• pay so much attention to others & their needs, instead of your own – so are indolent about yourself
• neither identify nor acknowledge your true emotions & thoughts, to preserve relationships & avoid conflict with anyone important to you

no selfie• think about what is or isn’t OK to express – WITHOUT being clear enough about who you are – your honest opinions or true desires. You believe they’re not legitimate or too dangerous, so you’re not up to leadership

Type 2 MOODINESS (melancholy & resulting separation) (#4)
• Wonder why you’re not happy since you do so many good things for others
• Believe no one really appreciates you, or that a specific person doesn’t value you, because they hurtful your feelings
• Wonder why your relationships are troubled when you put so much energy & effort into them

Type 2 PLANNING (as compulsion) (#7)
• Plan out how other people should connect & behave
• Obsess about what others should do that’s in their best interests, how they should ideally behave toward themselves, others or projects
• Plan out how you can be useful or add value to others

Type 2 RESENTMENT (#1)
• Obsess about all you’ve done for others, when there has been little or no reciprocation
• Play over in your mind (obsess) why your opinions/ suggestions were not listened to as much as someone else’s
• Think about times when your or others have been ill-treated, & wonder why people do that

Type 2 STINGINESS (#5)
• with acknowledgment: considering someone who’s wronged you, you feel they no longer deserve anything from you, so you stop providing or cut back on any further resources, attention or acknowledgment
• with self-care: believe you don’t deserve the kind of care & attention you so willingly give others, so are stingy with providing them for yourself
• with generosity: assume you’re entitled to give some people or groups but not others (subjective-giving), while also having the self-delusion you’re actually generous to everyone

Type 2 VANITY (#3)
• Wish & hope that others would be as considerate as you are, & wonder why they pay so little attention to this important way of interacting
• Think you can get anyone you want to like you
• Believe you’re so good & selfless, while others seem to give into the baser motivate of self-serving self-interest

Type 2 VENGEANCE (#8)
What sets you off is thinking :
• someone’s taken you for granted or used you
• not listened to or dismissed you
• when they’ve hurt other people

REACTION: you label them in negative ways – from being rude to having deeply rooted character flaws, AND decide to make someone ‘invisible’ by completely ignoring them
GROWTH – Practice expressing your own needs & feelings directly, & in real-time

ALSO
Type 2 DISTORTED LENS
Embellished focus: Exaggerate reality by adding elements not really there
Lesson: False-abundance you ‘picture’ is only potential, not reality

Type 2 HANGING ON (need to let go of)
Holding on to:
• being thoughtful, considerate, responsive, unselfish, without needs
• slights, when others have wronged you in some way (ignored or insulted you, accused you of bad intentions….)

Why: to keep ‘your sense of self as the person’ who is so good that you consistently put others above yourself (false modesty)
Let go of: the belief that your only value comes from how much you do for others

Type 2 put OFF-BALANCE by:
• When someone you care about (or want some sort of relationship with) moves away or avoids you for unknown reasons
• Putting yourself first, so you don’t do something for someone else, leading to great anxiety & guiltperfect
• Being in a social or business situation where no one responds to you

Type 2 MAYA (delusion)
Think that being so focused & intent on others means you can really do no wrong. Wrong!

Type 2 WORRY
“Will I be accepted? Have I hurt someone? Did I express myself too strongly or too weakly? Do I respect myself? Why am I so effected by other people’s reactions to me? Will the people I care about be OK? Who really cares about me?”

NEXT: Type flaws, #3

Enneagram Type 1 – Flaws in us ALL

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type 1 flaws
EVERYTHING HAS TO BE
just so!

PREVIOUS: ALL Type flaws – Intro

IMPORTANT
Review explanation for each category in the INTRO post   Associated Type is inside the ( )

 

Type 1 COWARDICE because of CDs (#6)
• re. hurting others : only worry about having done something really bad – been harshly judgmental, projected your anger on to someone who didn’t deserve it or ‘stepped on your toes’….
• re. making mistakes : obsessed with getting everything right without any errors, being correct & appropriate
• re. spontaneity : believe it’s not OK – even dangerous – to not have tight controls on your impulses & actions

Type 1 FLATTERY – by: (#2)
• ‘Forget’ your legitimate objections to someone you despise, as a way of suppressing your anger (‘reaction formation’)
• Make logical excuses for the poor character or behavior of another because this person exhibits something you admire
• THINKING about how to be polite & well-mannered toward others at times when you really don’t want to

Type 1 LAZINESS (Indolence) (#9)
You may not seem lazy at all, since you’re so precise & action-oriented. But on closer examination i’s there but re-directed.
Indolence is actually one of your disowned characteristics, a not-me quality that gets projected onto others. (‘Nine Lenses on the World’)
EXP:
√ Focus too much on getting one thing ‘just right’ leads to ignoring other factors or events that are equally or much more relevant & important
√ Taking on so much of your #7 Arrow qualities, you only focus on chasing pleasure, at the expense of important activities & responsibilities, being blind to the consequences of slacking off
√ Paying so much attention to your own opinions that you ignore other people’s ideas

Type 1 MOODINESS (melancholy & resulting separation) (#4)
• Believe that another person is really bad or without value because they made a mistake
• Obsess on what’s missing in your life because something’s imperfect, or didn’t live up to your expectations
• Think you’re really bad or worthless for having made a mistake, or done something you’re not proud of (being human)

friendlyType 1 PLANNING (as compulsion) (#7)
When stressed – obsessively thinking about how to re-structure & organize a task in a normal situation, as if your life depends on it

Type 1 RESENTMENT – by: (#1)
• Constantly judgmental, dividing the world into all-good vs. all-bad, right-wrong, appropriate-inappropriate, should-should not
• Keeping mental track ONLY of what’s wrong in most situations
• Noticing other people’s ‘mistakes’ & not letting it go – “How could he do that?, Why can’t people be more responsible?”….

Type 1 STINGINESS (#5)
• re. Appreciation: focused so much on mistakes that you’re stingy about offering compliments to yourself & others
• re. Openness: Assuming you’re THE “holder” of rules & standards, the ‘correct’ one, stingy about acknowledging opposing viewpoints
• re. Sharing: not willing to share or give away something lovely & unique, as if that would lessen the value of the “precious” object

Type 1 VANITY (#3)
• Assume you’re superior because you have ‘higher’ standards
• Believe you’re the arbiters of excellence – because you can ‘recognize’ quality better than most
• Convinced your commitment to being responsible in every way is so much greater / deeper than in others

Type 1 VENGEANCE (#8)
What sets you off is thinking someone has :
• criticized or lied to you
• not acted responsibly
• taken arbitrary control

REACTION: make accusations & blame them, or be disapproving & dismissive, which shows in obvious body-language (turn your back, frown, sneer, silence…..)
GROWTH – Ask: “Am I willing to listen with an open heart & mind, & to forgive?

ALSO
Type 1 DISTORTED LENS
Too tight, squinting – Only see some things around you while missing others
Lesson: If you only look for what’s precise, right or clear, you can mistakenly assume something that looks great is worthwhile – when it isn’t, OR ‘see’ everything as flawed – when it’s actually fine as is

Type 1 HANGING ON TO
Hold on to: Resentments (which build up), being right or in control, not making mistakes, compulsively keeping your structured life ‘just so’
Why: to keep your sense-of-self as someone who’s faultless, responsible
Let go: of the belief that everything must be perfectly ordered & executed

Type 1 put OFF-BALANCE by:
• Being convinced you’ve made a mistake or that you inevitably will
• Being criticized, either by yourself, a respected person, or both
• Not dealing with your anger / resentment.
SO become overly upset with someone else’s minor ‘infraction’ (real or imagined). Then – feel remorse & guilt / S-H for getting so angry at them
perfectionism reward

Type 1 MAYA (delusion)
Think that being so completely self-controlled will give you the joys & pleasures you want, as a reward for being so good. Not always!

Type 1 WORRY
“Will I get this right? Will I be fully prepared? Have I offended someone or been impolite? Will I lose control of myself? Will I feel incompetent? What if I did something wrong?”…..

NEXT: All Type FLAWS – Type 2

Enneagram Flaws in us ALL – INTRO

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sisyphus  PREVIOUS:
Ennea-Language = Growth (each type)

 

 

EXPLANATIONS
Ginger Lapid-Bogda (Enneagram author, trainer, keynote speaker) on her site “The Enneagram in Business”, provides a variety of ways to understand how each Type handles the many positive & negative aspects of being human.

🤔 This series of posts includes the way each Type exhibits each of the Fixations (Habits of Mind) normally associated with only one of the Enneagram styles – each in our own specific way.

◆ Included are the 3 Instinct sub-types of Self-preservation, Sexual & Social groupings (Def. & QUIZ) which effect the strength & style of how each Type expresses each of their fixations
NOTE: Virtues / Gifts for each Type in 2024

DEFINITIONS – basic for each characteristic flaw
◼︎ Cowardice – typically associated with SIXES. It’s the fear of taking actions, from doubt & worry caused by continual thoughts of worst-case scenarios. It’s found more strongly in the Self-Preservation version of any Type who is more concerned with safety, security, & least trusting / most wary.

◼︎ Flattery – typically associated with TWOS, because they’re trying to be accepted by a specific person or group. 2s manipulate by giving others compliments, gifts or other forms of attention

◼︎ Laziness / Indolence = avoidance of activity or exertion, typically associated with NINES. It’s the process of mentally diffusing their attention so they forget what’s important, & keeping them from stating their own opinions, in order to minimize conflict with others

◼︎ Moodiness / Melancholy: typically associated with FOURS. It’s thinking about what’s missing in oneself or one’s life, along with feeling disconnected or separate from others

◼︎ Planning – typically associated with SEVENS. It refers to the mental process by which the mind goes into “hyper-gear,“ moving in rapid succession from one thing to another, without peaceful consideration, ignoring consequences

◼︎ Resentment – typically associated with ONES. It’s paying attention to flaws in oneself & others, so that nothing ever seems good or good enough

◼︎ Stinginess – typically associated with FIVES. It’s a scarcity paradigm that leads to an insatiable thirst for ‘knowing’, and a reluctance to share – info, time, space & personal information. Often strategize about how to control their environment

■ Vanity – typically associated with THREES. It’s strategic thinking / planning about how to create an idealized image, being self-absorbed about how they seem to others

■ Vengeance – typically associated with EIGHTS. It’s the mental process of wanting to balance out wrongs done to themself (real or imagined), with angry thoughts of blame, & plans for intimidation & punishment

ALSO:
■ Distorted Lens – difficulty listening to & accepting many points of view, or being able to objectively evaluate different aspects of a problem or situation, when colored by the focus of your Type’s specific version of the world

■ Hanging on – to anything that keeps us stuck, so that energy can’t flow through us. It skews perspective & limits options, which can lead to disappointment

■ Off-Balance – whenever we can’t see people & situations in perspective, OR without a fixed point of reference in life, adding more distortion to our specific Type

■ Maya (illusion/ delusion) – when positive it can mean the “power by which the universe is manifest”, BUT used here to mean the appearance of or illusions in the physical world.
Illusion (Maya) = unreal vision // Delusion = false belief

■ Worry – mental obsession on past distressing actions / events, OR projecting negative outcomes into the future – to the point of dulling our awareness to real danger in the present.
Habitual, unconscious worry blocks us from direct contact with something greater than ourself (H.P.) & limits our ability to be whole.

NEXT: All type FLAWS – Type 1

EnneaTypes – Language STYLES (Types 8, 9)

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type 8 boss


I CAN INFLUENCE OTHERS
by how I communicate

PREVIOUS: Talk Types 6-7

REVIEW: Intro explanation in # 2

 


TYPE 8s give COMMANDS, DIATRIBES, LAY TRIPS
Self-talk: ‘Do this my way’
Words : chain of command, ground zero, rally the troops, remember
are about: bossing, control, justice, in charge, my way or the highway, power, right/wrong, strengths / weaknesses
Public Speaking Manner: Commanding

Style: 8s speak confidently & clearly, with boldness & authority, not holding back their opinions. They like arguing as a way of asserting dominance. They often take the opposing stance, not necessarily because they care about the topic, but just enjoy the clash.
THEY:
type 8 • Blame others if they feel accused or blamed unjustly
• Easily use profanity or body-based/crass humor
• Express anger directly, & as a defense
• Look at the big picture, impatient with detail
• May say very little or be talkative
• Use statements to structure or control situations
ARE
• authoritative, direct & firm, but also zestful
• oriented toward fairness, justice & truth
• strategic thinkers & can see the big picture

Pitfalls: Can get too confrontational, insense & pushy. Too attached to “My truth is The Truth” with no room for disagreement or argument. Go too much on gut, without enough facts to back up reactions

Use language to: argue, debate, oppose, make parting shots, score points, take aim, use military metaphors
Others can experience 8s as intimidating, loud, controlling

MANIPULATE / create CONFLICT by : throwing their verbal weight around, bluffing, making big gestures – to dominate, demanding others think & act their way. Can also be sentimental, a teddy bear
BLOCK others by : intimidation – scaring people into agreeing, capitulating or submitting to them

CONFLICT style: Blustery, dismissive, rageful, unemotional, uncaring, vengeful, violent.
8s are triggered by feeling controlled or dominated by others,
OR by disloyalty, & feeling abandoned. Then can become domineering, aggressive or incredibly cold

For BOUNDARIES: need ‘intimidation’, actually – assertion, to forcefully end a conversation on the spot when it’s not going well (not argue)
To FLOW in conversation, need TRUST : by fostering equality & with benevolent leadership

To RESOLVE conflicts with 8s:
• Stand your ground & don’t waver in your opinion. They’ll ‘joust’ with people they love – to test their strength. They want someone who can hold their own against them
• Set ground rules in an argument with them, & don’t be afraid to let them know if they hurt your feelings (this often surprises them)
• Try not to react to their intimidation tactics, but don’t egg them on either

✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥

TYPE 9s give CHRONICLES, EPICS, SAGAS
Self-talk: ‘Nice ’n easy’
Words : listen, mediate, mindful, negotiate, reasonable, responsible
are about : being calm, different points of views, process, procedures,  systems
Public Speaking Manner: Epic or Conciliatory

Style: Like their appearance, 9s usually use a soft voice, relaxed & friendly, though they can easily take on qualities of those they’re around for a while, so can sound silly & giggle or proper & stiff, or…. type 9

THEY:
• Are warm, other-focused, non-confrontational
• Give highly detailed info in a sequential style
• Make an effort to be fair by presenting all sides
• Often say yes – but mean no
• Talk about both feelings & facts
• Use agreeing words : of course, sure, yes, uh-huh

Pitfalls: When giving a talk or in conversation, 9s use irrelevant details & unimportant info, which clouds their message. It may have no focus, holding all points of view, & without a conclusion.
Some 9s can have a slow, boring way of talking that puts people to sleep. Passive, indirect phrases that don’t seem to mean anything will lose the listener (“How leadership happens to you”) ??

Use language to: day-dream out loud, generalize, launch into epics & sagas, verbally meander, voice vague notions, wonder
Others can experience 9s as indecisive, overly agreeable, scattered, unclear

MANIPULATE / create CONFLICT by: “checking out”, passive-aggressive resistance, shirking responsibility, barely talking at all, use one-word answers or talk in an air of resignation
BLOCK others by: withdrawing rather than staying engaged / connected

CONFLICT style: clueless, occasionally explosive, pacifying, placating, sleepy, stubborn, unaffected.
9s are triggered by feeling internally chaotic or can’t escape painful emotions. They may go to sleep re. a problem, or suddenly become angry & belligerent like 8s or scolding like 1s (their ‘wings’), & then calm down soon after

For BOUNDARIES: need to ‘withdraw’ physically, emotionally or mentally when faced with discouragement or distress
To FLOW in conversation, need ACCEPTANCE: being available, present & welcoming

To RESOLVE conflicts with 9s:
• Acknowledge that you know they want to find some point of agreement with you
• Assure them your ‘upset’ doesn’t mean you don’t like/ love them anymore (unless of course you don’t) but what’s important is to resolve this issue
• Don’t attack or use a blaming tone, or they’ll tune you out. 9s will be afraid of your anger, so can become stubborn or withdraw if you get aggressive.

NEXT: GROWTH – Intro

EnneaTypes – Language STYLES (Types 6, 7)

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fun talking

 

TO CONNECT WITH OTHERS WELL
it helps to know everyone’s style

PREVIOUS: Talk Types 4-5

 

TYPE 6s give CAUTIONS, CAVEATS, LIMIT SETTING
Self-talk: ‘But what if …’
Words : But… have you thought of? No. Not possible, Not today – maybe.
are about: tomorrow, real / reality, what about….? worst-case, why?
Public Speaking Manner: ‘Shotgun’ OR Apologetic

Style: 6s have a nervy, quick style of talking which can be witty & giggly, OR pejoScreen Shot 2015-05-19 at 6.20.05 PMrative & grouchy
THEY:
• Are engaging, information-oriented, thoughtful
• Alternate between staccato, hesitant speech -&- bold, confident speech
• Can use emotion-laden language OR talk in short shotgun blasts
• Freely discuss worries, concerns, & “what ifs”
• Start with analytical comments, but ask a lot of questions

Pitfalls: Either doubt their own message, so soundly confused & unclear OR push their cause down everyone’s throat
Can be overly negative: “It’ll be doom & gloom if you don’t change your…..”
They assume hidden motives & danger where there are none. Can use shock techniques because of ambivalence toward authority.

Use language to: defend, question, second-guess, trouble-shoot, warn
Others can experience 6s as challenging, contrary, doubting, pessimistic

MANIPULATE / create CONFLICT by: testing other people’s commitment to them by endless complaining or being evasive. Need to set the record straight “just so you don’t misunderstand….”
BLOCK others by: automatically negating a person or their idea

CONFLICT style: blaming, cross-examining, distrusting, quick, relentless, vacillating, victimizing
6s are triggered by feeling mistrustful or being blamed. They can become terrier-like & questioning when feeling insecure or abandoned.

For BOUNDARIES: need to ‘reject’ put-downs & excuses
To FLOW in conversation, need AWARENESS – of thoughts, choices & emotions in self & others

To RESOLVE conflicts with 6s:
• Admit any ulterior motives you may have
• DON’T ever tell a 6 to calm down!
• Don’t get lost in their circular arguing , & if it feels like a marathon – walk away
• Don’t try to win – it will only escalate the argument. Instead, try to find common ground & allay their fears of abandonment or anger
• Hold your opinion but don’t be stubborn about seeing their point of view
• Stay calm but do not dismiss them, insult their intelligence, flatter or appease them

✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥

TYPE 7s use ANECDOTES, BRAINSTORMING, STORYTELLING
Self-talk: ‘On a lighter note’.
Words : “I / me, ‘yes’, more, let’s go
are about: deals, fun, ideas, option, opportunities, plans, travel, trapped
Public Speaking Manner: Enthusiastic storyteller

Style: 7s want to enjoy everything, so they’ll use wit, storytelling & a dramatic tone to heighten their pleasure when talking
THEY:
• Avoid negative topics about themself (or others)
• Re-frame negative info so it seems positive
• Shift from topic to topic
• Tell engaging stories & can be very funny
ARE
• analytical & idea-oriented
• charming, exuberant, fast-paced, sociable, spontaneous, upbeat

Pitfalls: Can get too attached to their own stories, like making a saga out of a mundane trip to the post office, & not relevant to the current topic.
Can be idealistic, use too much humor or put too much emphasis on fun, so the listener won’t believe or trust them. They know a little about everything, but little or nothing in depth

Use language to: change topics, check out, deflect, entertain, imagine, joke, laugh, move on, sample, shift gears, tell stories
Others can experience 7s as indifferent to others’ input, making excuses, quickly changing topics, self-absorbed, undependable

MANIPULATE / create CONFLICT by : distraction & being entertaining to get what they want, insist that others meet their demands. Being a wheeler-dealer, a know-it-all. Making light of serious situations
BLOCK others by: going in too many directions, not focused on the person they’re talking to, use diversions

CONFLICT style:  act arrogant, condescending, disinterested, disappearing, insensitive,  mocking, with tantrums.
7s are triggered by feeling trapped or limited, so usually try to get away from conflict, or react explosively to escape negativity.

For BOUNDARIES: need to use ‘distractions’ / being broad-minded – to open themselves up to new possibilities
To FLOW in conversation, need JOY: grow into the wonderful possibilities of being alive

To RESOLVE conflicts with 7s:
• Don’t harp too much on what they’re doing wrong or they’ll shut down
• Equally – don’t sugar coat things but re-frame problems so they can take in the your point without feeling too threatened
• Give them space but hold them to a time when the conflict can be resolved. Ask them to set aside time for you to discuss it (5s like this too)
• They’ll flee any difficulty, so let them know how this affects your relationship

NEXT: TALK types (Types 8, 9)

EnneaTypes – Language STYLES (Types 4, 5)

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Screen Shot 2015-05-17 at 11.44.27 PM


HOW I TALK IS A REFLECTION
of my brain & my identity

PREVIOUS: Talk Types 2, 3

REVIEW:
Intro explanation (Part 2)

 

TYPE 4s give LAMENTS & SAD STORIES
Self-talk: ‘I’m feeling …’.
Words : abandoned, alone, connected, elite, high, passionate, special
are About : idealism, lost-love, not the same, not ordinary, performance, standards
Public Speaking Manner: Lamenting

Style: When 4s talk they reveal a lot about themselves & their feelings, even with strangers they just started chatting with – anywhere. There’s often a sadness in the voice, but also a tendencytype 4 to pretend being naive – just to amuse friends.

THEY: •  Have a flair for originality
• Ask personal questions of others
• Often use words like I, me, my, mine
• Talk about self & discuss feelings / emotions
• Share very personal &/or painful stories
• Use dramatic language, which can sound calculated

Pitfalls: #4’s language can be exaggerated, so attached to uniqueness that the audience can’t relate, or will get lost in emotion, turning people off. Like 2s, can get too whiny
Use language to: extol, express longing, lament, self-express, yearn, with poetic turn of phrases & regretful sighs
Others can experience 4s as ‘drama queen / king’, & who are never satisfied with encouraging responses from others

MANIPULATE / create CONFLICT by being : ‘hard to get’, temperamental, unnecessarily dramatic, talking in an affected superior manner, & making others ‘walk on eggshells’
BLOCK others by: misuse of imagination – in fantasy, not realistic

CONFLICT style: cold, condescending, detached or hatefully articulate, emotionally explosive, haughty.
4s are triggered when they feel abandoned, misunderstood or sense anger from the other person.

For BOUNDARIES: need healthy imagination to have a broader perspective
To FLOW in conversation, need ORIGINALITY: being creative, vital, with eccentricities

To RESOLVE conflicts with 4s:
• Don’t let their dramatics or emotional outbursts push you away
• Don’t try to have a completely rational discussion without emotions – they’ll ignore you
• Give them time to calm down but let them know if you’ve been hurt too, & that your feelings are just as important as theirs
• They’re sure they know what others are feeling, & often do, so acknowledge their intuitive insight, but keep to your own personal truth

✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥

TYPE 5s give LECTURES, THESES, TREATISES
Self-talk: ‘I’m thinking …’
WORDS : detachment, rational, patterns, simplicity, systems
are about: being mindful, clever thinking, logical, using correct tools for the trade

Style: 5s may be ‘distant’ much of the time, but once they get going on a subject they know a lot about, it’s hard to stop them. 5s like to show off their superior knowledge & use a wider vocabulary than most
THEY :
• Express thoughts rather than emotions
• Limit sharing of personal info
• Speak too tersely or in lengthy lectures
ARE:
• Analytical, content-focused, clear
• Highly selective in word choice
• Not big on small-talk but can be wordy
• In groups are mostly quiet, but if talking will use a ‘thin’ voice

Others can experience 5s as arrogantly aloof, emotionally disconnected, over-analytical & pedantic, a know-it-all
Public Speaking Manner: Dissertation

Pitfalls: Can quote everybody else but not speak for themself, seem detached , may withhold information OR give too many facts & ‘wander the labyrinths of the mind’
Use language for: definitions, detailed explanations, facts, informative displays of knowledge, precise instructions, logical & rational arguments

MANIPULATE / create CONFLICT by : being emotionally detached & staying preoccupied in their own head, rambling, going on & on – but not noting others are bored or confused
BLOCK others by: cynicism, lacking trust & a core belief

CONFLICT style: arrogant, blisteringly angry, childlike, cold, cutting, detached, overly logical, passive aggressive, unfeeling
5s are triggered by too many expectations (especially emotional) & emotional displays

For BOUNDARIES: need cynicism/ skepticism to test what is said, to not believe everything they hear

To FLOW in conversation, need EDUCATION – first to listen & learn, then teach

To RESOLVE conflicts with 5s:
• Keep your own emotional stability while arguing. 5s like to focus on the facts & detach when anyone gets too upset – so walk away if you can’t be calm
• Tell them your feelings are hurt, without expecting them to do something about it
• Don’t let them get away with using information or arrogance to deflect or as a weapon
• Remind them you’re a person not a computer.

NEXT: TALK types (Part 2d)

EnneaTypes – Language STYLES (Types 2, 3)

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Screen Shot 2015-05-17 at 11.45.34 PM

MY WORDS & EXPRESSIONS
always give me away

PREVIOUS: Talk Type 1

REVIEW: Intro explanation (#2)

 

TYPE 2s give ADVICE, COMPLIMENTS, PRAISE, SYMPATHY
Self-talk: ‘You need me’.
WORDS : inspire, help, need, strong/weak, we/us
are about: connection, falling in love, potential, service
Public Speaking Manner: Warmth

Style: 2s talk to others attentively, showing interest by eye contact & verbal encouragement. They like to give & get compliments, & love to offer helpful advice. But – when upset, 2s can speak with hysterical fury.
THEY: • Ask questions
• Focus on what others are talking about, with fewer references to self
• Get angry or complain when they dislike what others say about something that matters to them
• Talk in a soft voice unless angry or agitated

Pitfalls: Lose their audience by getting lost in emotional stories or being over-emotional. Feel pride for giving so much, & think the audience should be grateful. ‘Shape-shift’ to be liked, so can seem wishy-washy.
USE language to: befriend, comfort, get personal, meet needs, offer friendly advice, pitch in, support
Others can experience 2s as controlling, complaining, intrusive, over-helpful, nagging, resentful

CONFLICT Style: blustery anger, dramatic, emotionally explosive, entitled,
OR acting the martyr, sulking, teary.
2s are set off if they think they’re not being kind, helpful, or by any implication that their ‘helping’ efforts aren’t well received.

MANIPULATE / create CONFLICT by : forming dependencies – always ready to console, & give helpful tips or ‘teaching’ advice.
Masters at creating a connection, using it to figure out what they think others need / want, & then try to provide it
BLOCK others by: being presumptuous, over-helping, over-advising

For BOUNDARIES: 2s need ‘arrogance’, actually – being assertive – to speak up for themselves
For FLOW in conversation, need COMFORT : for themself – physical, emotional & intellectual

To RESOLVE conflicts with 2s:
• When they feel used or undervalued, assure them their efforts are appreciated & are not in vain
• Acknowledge their emotions, but don’t cater to their histrionics, AND remind them:
— they’re choosing to do whatever they’re doing
— you want them to take care of themself

✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥ ✥

TYPE 3s use PROPAGANDA, SALES, PITCHES, SELF-PROMOTION
Self-talk: ‘Watch me shine’.
WORDS : Awesome, Outstanding, Wonderful……
are about: achievement, doing, goals, efficiency, success, winning
Public Speaking Manner : Convincing

Style: 3s can have a fixed stare when talking to others, which makes them seem fake, like they’re pretending to listen but are much more interested in the impression they are making.
They name-drop & ‘casually’ mention new projects or acquisitions to show how successful they’ve become (humble brag?)

THEY: • Are impatient with lengthy conversations
•  Are direct, enthusiastic, fast-paced, topic-focused
• Avoid topics they don’t know much about or reflect badly on them
• Think & respond quickly, with confidence
• Use clear, efficient, logical, well formulated words, concrete examples

Pitfalls: May not have a real message – being strong on style but low on content or not having an actual point.
Can seem too slick, too polished, so the audience are less likely to trust them. Can cut corners & slide through by pretend to know more than they actually do.
Use language to: advertise, exclaim, motivate, perform, promote
Others can experience 3s as overly efficient, restrictive, & overriding others’ views

MANIPULATE / create CONFLICT by : being charming, & taking on whatever image will ‘work’ to look good & get what they want. Try to impress by always talking about how well they’re doing, how great things are, what-all they’ve done
BLOCK others by : dishonesty – outright lies or by evasions

CONFLICT style: arrogant, condescending, dismissive, evasive, sly, narcissistic, superior, undermining.
3s are triggered when feeling undervalued or dismissed. They can easily get angry when their drive & successes are misunderstood or sabotaged

For BOUNDARIES: need ‘untruth’, to omit bragging or status- language (avoid truth-paralysis) so they can move forward
To FLOW in conversation, they need APPRECIATION: maximize strengths & minimize weaknesses – by valuing self & others correctly

To RESOLVE conflicts with 3s:
• Set aside time to discuss issues, & don’t let them try to smooth things over with promises or apologies, especially when they don’t understand the problem
• In a close relationship, appreciate their hard work but emphasize importance of connecting
• Help them express emotions instead of just-the-facts, which they use to prevent feeling too much.

NEXT: Ennea style – Type 3

ACoAs ‘FEELING SORRY For’ (Part 1)

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THEY NE-E-E-ED ME! How can I turn my back on them?

PREVIOUS: HUMOR #6

SITE: Meditation for compassion (“loving kindness”)

1-a. For OTHERS – POSITIVE
“Feeling sorry for” someone may be generated by any situation we personally identify with, or simply caring about the plight of others who are less fortunate. We may or may not be able to do anything practical for the millions who suffer, but on a one-to-one basis, at the very least we can LISTEN to someone who needs a caring heart & ear, without advice or judgment

☆ Empathy : a visceral / emotional experience of another person’s emotions – an visceral mirroring, like tearing up at a friend’s intense sadness or deep loss

☆ Compassion:  “a human emotion prompted by the pain of others. More vigorous than empathy, it gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another’s suffering. It is often, though not inevitably, the key component of altruism ….”rescuing

☆ Altruism: an action that benefits someone else without expecting repayment.
BUT – does not automatically include personal empathy or compassion, like making an anonymous donation for tax purposes

DEF : ☼ Doing good to others, regardless of self-concern, a behavior that costs the Giver while benefitting the Receiver.
☼ A traditional virtue in many cultures, & a core aspect of various religious traditions”, it’s considered the highest form of love (Agape) – putting aside our own needs to help someone else.

➼ For this type of ‘feeling sorry for’ to be legitimate – the recipient of our concern must be truly in need of help AND not have the ability to do for themselves – at least temporarily.
This is not always easy to determine, especially is it’s someone we care about, if they’re still acting out of the victim role.
See “Rescuing” -vs- “Healthy Helping”.
💙

1-b. For OTHERS – Negative
For ACoAs, the core problem is that we feel sorry for the wrong types.
While we may have a strong caring & compassionate side, which we use for others instead of for ourselves, we misplace our sympathy by focusing it on narcissistic people (parent, spouse or lover, BFF, sometimes a boss, teacher…) who are a bottomless pit of needs.

i. WHO: Anyone who is –
☛ emotionally & practically irresponsible. This can not be emphasized enough!  These are people who are unwilling to use available resources needed to help themself, hooking us into do it for them! This can be in practical ways, but most often they want to be taken care of emotionally

☛ abusive, abandoning, narcissistic (but often charming) – because they prey on our desperate need to stay attached & feel special. It allows them to “feed on” us without having to give back.

☛ who acts like they need / love / value us, but if we take care of ourself before them  by setting boundaries or disagreeing, they’ll throw us under the bus in a heartbeat!
This way of being treated is so familiar from childhood, we think it’s normal & there’re acceptable, so we suppress our angry at the betrayal!

• POTENTIAL does NOT count – when it has to do with others!  We’re attracted to selfish people because they’re familiar, & we can rescue them & feel superior.
BUT as long as they refuse to develop their latent capacities – we end up drained, feeling inadequate, disappointed & angry – just like we did as kids.

ii. CAUSE
• our damaged need to feel special (counter feeling powerless)
• copy what we learned from a para-alcoholic parent (usually mom)
• don’t want to face who this (current) person really is, because then we’d have a different relationship with them, or have to leave

iii. WHAT
Their unhealthy behavior patterns TRIGGER our WIC to:
• (E) feel sorry for them (they’re manipulating this), the way we felt sorry for family members who we tried & tried to fix, but never could

• (A) act out our pre-programmed training to rescue & enable them
• resonate our WIC with theirs, feeling their pain – so we take on the Good Parent role, for them – but not toward ourselves

Instead, we need to be with people who are ALREADY in the process of taking care of themself, & therefore can be available to us without causing a lot of drama & stress.

NEXT: Feeling Sorry for – #2

Enneagram Humor (Part 4)

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intl_african

 PREVIOUS: Ennea humor #3

BOOK: Enneagram Cats of Muir Beach

(⬅️ World Costumes by Phillip Martin)

 


Enneagram TYPE Humor
❥ Why didn’t the counter-phobe #6 cross the road?
‘Cause she’s not chicken.

❥ How many phobic 6s does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer A: Five people – One to say “OMG the light bulb went out. HELP!,”
One to say “OMG you’re right, this is horrible, we need help!”
One to go consult an expert on how to change light bulbs
One to screw it in
One to stand by the phone ready to call 911 in case the one screwing it in gets electrocuted

Answer B: No, it takes Six people.
❥ One to stand there & grumble, “Rats, I’ve been telling them for ages this frakkin’ bulb was ready to blow, but would they listen to me? Oh noooo! I knew this would happen!”
❥ One to get several references on the proper way to change light bulbs (which he already has on hand because he too was sure the damned bulb would blow at some point & wanted to be prepared when it happened).

❥ One to go get a light bulb from her light bulb stash. (She’d stocked up on light bulbs just in case.)
❥ One to screw in the bulb.
❥ One to stand there and tell the one screwing in the bulb to be careful of X, Y, and Z.
❥ One to stand there ready to call 911 in case the one screwing it in gets electrocuted or falls off the ladder. That ladder doesn’t look too great. He / she’s been telling them for ages they need to replace that rickety ladder before someone gets hurt.

The DEVIL’s ADVOCATE
Some famous 6s: Woody Allen, Candace Bergen, Mel Gibson, Hitler, Bob Newhart, Nixon, Julia Roberts, Gen. Colin Powell, Robert Redford, Bruce Springsteen, Bruce Willis
EXP: Type 6 cartoon
Gina’s one-time #6 BFF needed her ‘sacred cows’ to make her feel safe-er. She was outraged when she heard that JFK was a womanizer or that the ‘church’ hid the truth about their pedophiles….

Twisted Affirmation
“Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears”

Fun Quote: Emo Phillips
I was walking home one night & a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In Morse code.

Walking in to a party: Check to see if the chandelier looks like it might fall down & hurt someone

The EPICURE
Some famous 7s: George W. Bush, J.F.K., Richard Feynman (physicist), Magic Johnson, Jay Leno, Mozart, Babe Ruth, Barbra Streisand, Robin Williams
type 7 cartoonEXP:
Rita’s #7 husband never shuts up – when he’s upset, when he’s planning, when he’s bragging…. & you can’t stop him – he’s like the Energizer bunny!

Twisted Affirmation
“I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them”

Fun Quote: Mayor Marion Barry
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

Walking in to a party: Puts a lampshade on their head & start telling jokes

NEXT: Humor #5