I CAN INFLUENCE OTHERS
by how I communicate
PREVIOUS: Talk Types 6-7
REVIEW: Intro explanation in # 2
TYPE 8s give COMMANDS, DIATRIBES, LAY TRIPS
Self-talk: ‘Do this my way’
Words : chain of command, ground zero, rally the troops, remember
are about: bossing, control, justice, in charge, my way or the highway, power, right/wrong, strengths / weaknesses
Public Speaking Manner: Commanding
Style: 8s speak confidently & clearly, with boldness & authority, not holding back their opinions. They like arguing as a way of asserting dominance. They often take the opposing stance, not necessarily because they care about the topic, but just enjoy the clash.
• Blame others if they feel accused or blamed unjustly
• Easily use profanity or body-based/crass humor
• Express anger directly, & as a defense
• Look at the big picture, impatient with detail
• May say very little or be talkative
• Use statements to structure or control situations
• authoritative, direct & firm, but also zestful
• oriented toward fairness, justice & truth
• strategic thinkers & can see the big picture
Pitfalls: Can get too confrontational, insensitive & pushy. Too attached to “My truth is The Truth” with no room for disagreement or argument. Go too much on gut, without enough facts to back up reactions
Use language to: argue, debate, oppose, make parting shots, score points, take aim, use military metaphors
Others can experience 8s as intimidating, loud, controlling
MANIPULATE / create CONFLICT by: throwing their verbal weight around, bluffing, making big gestures – to dominate, demanding others think & act their way. Can also be sentimental, a teddy bear
BLOCK others by: intimidation – scaring people into agreeing, capitulating or submitting to them
CONFLICT style: Blustery, domineering, violent, unemotional, dismissive, uncaring, rageful, vengeful.
8s are triggered by feeling controlled or dominated by others,
OR by disloyalty, & feeling abandoned. Then can become domineering, aggressive or incredibly cold
For BOUNDARIES: need ‘intimidation’, actually – assertion, to forcefully end a conversation on the spot when it’s not going well (not argue)
To FLOW in conversation, need TRUST: by fostering equality & with benevolent leadership
To RESOLVE conflicts with 8s:
• Stand your ground & don’t waver in your opinion. They’ll ‘joust’ with people they love – to test their strength. They want someone who can hold their own against them.
• Set ground rules in an argument with them, & don’t be afraid to let them know if they hurt your feelings (this often surprises them)
• Try not to react to their intimidation tactics, but don’t egg them on either
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TYPE 9s give CHRONICLES, EPICS, SAGAS
Self-talk: ‘Nice ’n easy’
Words : listen, mediate, mindful, negotiate, reasonable, responsible
are about : being calm, different points of views, process, procedures, systems
Public Speaking Manner: Epic or Conciliatory
Style: Like their appearance, 9s usually use a soft voice, relaxed & friendly, though they can easily take on qualities of those they’re around for some length of time, so they can sound silly & giggle or proper & stiff, or….
• Are warm, other-focused, non-confrontational
• Give highly detailed info in a sequential style
• Make an effort to be fair & present all sides
• Often say yes but mean no
• Talk about both feelings & facts
• Use agreeing words : of course, sure, yes, uh-huh
Pitfalls: When giving a talk or in conversation, 9s use irrelevant details & unimportant info, which clouds their message. It may have no focus, holding all points of view, & without a conclusion.
Some 9s can have a slow, boring way of talking that puts people to sleep. Passive, indirect phrases that don’t seem to mean anything will lose the listener (“How leadership happens to you”) ??
Use language to: day-dream out loud, generalize, launch into epics & sagas, verbally meander, voice vague notions, wonder
Others can experience 9s as indecisive, overly agreeable, scattered, unclear
MANIPULATE / create CONFLICT by: “checking out”, passive-aggressive resistance, shirking responsibility, barely talking at all, use one-word answers or talk with an air of resignation
BLOCK others by: withdrawing, rather than staying engaged / connected
CONFLICT style: clueless, occasionally explosive, pacifying, passive-aggressive, sleepy, stubborn, unaffected.
9s are triggered by feeling internally chaotic or can’t escape painful emotions. They may go to sleep re. a problem, or suddenly become angry & belligerent like 8s or scolding like 1s, & then calm down soon after
To RESOLVE conflicts with 9s:
• Don’t attack or use a blaming tone, or they’ll tune you out. 9s will be afraid of your anger, so can become stubborn or withdraw if you get aggressive.
• Acknowledge that you know they want to find some point of agreement with you
• Assure them your ‘upset’ doesn’t mean you don’t like/ love them anymore (unless of course you don’t) but what’s important is to resolve this issue.
NEXT: GROWTH – Intro