HOW I TALK IS A REFLECTION
of my brain & my identity
PREVIOUS: Talk Types 2, 3
Intro explanation (Part 2)
TYPE 4s give LAMENTS & SAD STORIES
Self-talk: ‘I’m feeling …’.
Words : abandoned, alone, connected, elite, high, passionate, special
are About : idealism, lost-love, not the same, not ordinary, performance, standards
Public Speaking Manner: Lamenting
Style: When 4s talk they reveal a lot about themselves & their feelings, even with strangers they just started chatting with – anywhere. There’s often a sadness in the voice, but also a tendency to pretend being naive – just to amuse friends.
THEY: • Have a flair for originality
• Ask personal questions of others
• Often use words like I, me, my, and mine
• Talk about self & discuss feelings / emotions
• Share very personal &/or painful stories
• Use dramatic language, which can sound calculated
Pitfalls: #4’s language can be exaggerated, so attached to uniqueness that the audience can’t relate, or will get lost in emotion turning people off. Like 2s, can get too whiny
Use language to: extol, express longing, lament, self-express, yearn, with poetic turn of phrases & regretful sighs
Others can experience 4s as ‘drama queens / kings’, & who are never satisfied with responses from others
MANIPULATE / create CONFLICT by being : ‘hard to get’, temperamental, unnecessarily dramatic, talking in an affected superior manner, & making others ‘walk on eggshells’
BLOCK others by: misuse of imagination – not realistic, in fantasy
CONFLICT style: cold, condescending, detached or hatefully articulate, emotionally explosive, haughty.
4s are triggered when they feel abandoned, misunderstood or sense anger from the other person.
For BOUNDARIES: need healthy imagination to have a broader perspective
To FLOW in conversation, need ORIGINALITY: being creative, vital, with eccentricities
To RESOLVE conflicts with 4s:
• Don’t try to have a completely rational discussion without emotions – they’ll ignore you.
• 4s are sure they know what others are feeling, & often do, so acknowledge their intuitive insight, but keep to your own personal truth.
• Don’t let their dramatics or emotional outbursts push you away.
• Give them time to calm down but let them know if you’ve been hurt too, & that your feelings are just as important as theirs.
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TYPE 5s give LECTURES, THESES, TREATISES
Self-talk: ‘I’m thinking …’
WORDS : detachment, rational, patterns, simplicity, systems
are about: being mindful, clever thinking, using correct tools for the trade, logical
Style: 5s may be distant much of the time, but once they get going on a subject they know a lot about, it’s hard to stop them. 5s like to show off their superior knowledge & use a wider vocabulary than most.
• Express thoughts rather than emotions
• Limit sharing of personal info
• Speak too tersely or in lengthy lectures
• Analytical, content-focused, clear
• Highly selective in word choice
• Wordy, but not big on small-talk
• In groups are mostly quiet, but if talking will use a ‘thin’ voice
Others can experience 5s as arrogantly aloof, emotionally disconnected, over-analytical & pedantic – a know-it-all
Public Speaking Manner: Dissertation
Pitfalls: Can quote everybody else but not speak for themselves, seem detached / not present, may withhold information OR give too many facts & ‘wander the labyrinths of the mind’
Use language for: definitions, detailed explanations, facts, informative displays of knowledge, precise instructions, logical & rational arguments
MANIPULATE / create CONFLICT by : being emotionally detached & staying preoccupied in their own head, rambling, going on & on – but not noting others are bored or confused
BLOCK others by: cynicism, lack trust & a core belief
CONFLICT style: arrogant, blisteringly angry, childlike, cold, cutting, detached, overly logical, passive aggressive, unfeeling.
5s are triggered by too many expectations (especially emotional) & emotional displays
For BOUNDARIES: need cynicism/ skepticism to test what is said, to not believe everything they hear
To FLOW in conversation, need EDUCATION – first listening & learning, then teaching
To RESOLVE conflicts with 5s:
• Keep your own emotional stability while arguing. 5s like to focus on the facts & detach when anyone gets too upset – so walk away if you can’t be calm.
• Tell them your feelings are hurt, without expecting them to do something about it.
• Don’t let them get away with using information or arrogance to deflect or as a weapon
• Remind them you’re a person not a computer.
NEXT: TALK types (Part 2d)