coaching

TRAITS of VICTIMS (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

I NEVER HAD A CHANCE
to be successful!

Previous: Traits of Victims (#1)

P = Perpetrator / V=Victim

 

REVIEW – Emotional Abuse
E.A. is an ongoing pattern of behavior designed to control, manipulate & defeat another, usually occurring behind closed doors.  It’s any non-physical behavior or attitude that intimidates, demeans, punishes or psychologically enslaves another.

It devaluates, humiliates & terrorizes, by yelling, screaming, name-calling, or with subtler tactics such as isolating a person from family & friends, invalidating their thoughts & emotions, & refusing to be pleased with anything.

Vs are ABUSED by any Perp WHO :
⚠︎ is habitually cruel or overbearing (even in the guise of friendship or caring), especially to smaller or weaker people
⚠︎ looks for the V’s ‘tell’ – a weakness they can exploit – and does
WHO :
⚠︎ hates certain categories of people (children in general, gender preference, ethnic or religious groups…)
⚠︎ has an authoritarian personality, combined with a strong need to control or dominate
WHO :
⚠︎ uses emotional, verbal &/ physical tactics to force their ‘wants’ on others, either by aggression & intimidation or subtler forms of coercion
⚠︎ uses their position to make themself feel more important BY humiliating others, keeping them ‘in their place’ (MORE…..)

• Whether in a family, on the playground, on the street or at work, bullies and criminals don’t usually target their Victims at random.
abuse passed downCHILDREN victimized by family:
💭 the child who is naturally compliant & wants to please is easily singled out by a Perp who know that that one can more easily be manipulated to do what the bully wants OR
💭 it’s the child who is too clever & insightful that they’re a threat to the P’s power & so must be crushed!
ADULTS Abused by anyone:
While its NOT the Vs fault, their past history of trauma can make them more vulnerable. They may BE:
☀︎ anxious, insecure, not able to defend themself verbally
☀︎ envied for their appearance, intelligence, talent & achievements
☀︎ too needy, clingy, eager to please
☀︎ withdrawn, seem odd, don’t fit in with their work or social culture

PS: Naturally, fully functional adults can be victimized as well, but are more likely to escape the abusive person or environments as soon as possible. They know & use many options the other types don’t, & will actively look for solutions, however long it takes.
💔
CHARACTERISTICS** – preconditions for being abused, rather than innate weakness. The following PMES categories (Parts 2-4) are the resulting emotions, beliefs & behaviors that come from prolonged exposure to Ps.
** Defense Mechanisms created by the False Self trying to survive years of mistreatment – NOT the fundamental & unique traits of the True Self.

1. PSYCHOLOGICAL / SPIRITUAL
In early life — came from various combinations of emotional, mental, religious, physical, &/or sexual oppression & abuse ( Laundry List)
a.  re. Self – as adults
• are afraid of being visible, so don’t share much about themself
• are impulsive with poor self-control, do whatever they feel like at the moment without thought to options or consequences
HAVE:
• a chronic feeling of emptiness / nothing is enough to fill the void
• a very sketchy awareness of who they are fundamentally (personal characteristics, abilities, skills, talents….)
• trouble relaxing & enjoying themself, take themself too seriously or not seriously at all
THEY:
• believe they’re a fraud & will eventually be found out. Lie when it’s not necessary
• can’t identify needs, or don’t have internal permission to own & provide their basic human rights, needs & desires
• feel responsible for others’ actions/ reactions, but don’t face their own
• lack internal motivation – only do what others want, or think they need

• never seem to get it together to leave the abuser (while endlessly thinking & complaining about it) OR keep leaving, but always go back OR pick another similar P
• project their disowned needs /desires onto others, without realizing it
AND
• may end up with a personality disorder – such as Anti-Social, Co-dependent, Dependent, Love &/or Sex addict, Paranoid, Passive-aggressive …

NEXT: Trait of Victims – Mental & Emotional (#3)

TRAITS of VICTIMS (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

MY POWER IS EATEN AWAY
by the bugs in my head!

PREVIOUS: Dealing with Abusers  – #3

QUOTE: “Some people wonder why others often fail to treat them with respect — not realizing they’ve signaled that it’s not necessary to treat them with respect.”  ― Nathaniel Branden, Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

V= Victim // P= Perpetrator (abuser)

VICTIMS – There are 2 broad categories :
Voluntary (for a principle or religious belief, in war, to save a loved one….)
Involuntary – anyone who suffers continual harm from another – as a child, as an invalid or the elderly, & not by choice.

Involuntary V. Sub-types 
a. Passive – most common
• Internal : depressed, hopeless, lonely, needy, self-hating, unhappy
• External : easily react to being baited, easily hurt, try to placate or be overly helpful, not able to use humor to diffuse conflict, justify themself,  few or no friends, socially awkward (no matter how intelligent)

b. Provocative – rarer (will have some, but usually not all these traits)
• Attitude: resists rules, no patience for delay
• Behavioral : fights back & keeps at it, but always loses with frustration & upset
• Emotional : easily angered, frustrated, irritable, in great distress, over-sensitive
• Internal : immature, impulsive, restless – but gifted!
• Physical : may have learning disability (ADD, dyslexia, autism …)
• Social : misreads social cues, poor interactive skills, reacts aggressively to authority, teases others & doesn’t know when to stop &
• can be very annoying or irritating , & so will be easily avoided. Gives off the unconscious message “Kick Me” (see Games PeoplePlay – Eric Berne)

Vs are ABUSED by Being:
• emotionally tortured, & mentally disorientedvictim
• ridiculed, punked or teased, the continual target of someone’s anger
•  punished for the errors or stupidity of others
• tricked, swindled, manipulated or taken advantage of
Being:
• the focus of unrealistic & excessive expectations
• physically neglected or injured
• subjected to attacks, oppression, hardship & other mistreatment.

• As a result of long-term abuse, usually started in childhood, a person will continue the original Victim role. It’s the feeling of helplessness, being passive in the face of current or future ill-treatment or misfortune – called “learned helplessness” —> see Artwork #3victim

• Vs who need to be in a relationship – at all costs – will gravitate to some type of abuser. They may be of either gender, high or low functioning, underprivileged or highly accomplished.
EXP: Many famous & talented men & women have been victims of domestic violence, such as Carol Channing, Whitney Houston, Tina Turner, Reba McEntire, Madonna…. AND Phil Harman, Kelsey Grammer, Abraham Lincoln, Stephen Hawking (by his wives), Bill Clinton (in childhood)….
We know from reports that some stayed with their Perps long-term, (Ms. Channing, Pres. Lincoln…) while others got themself out. Some chose better the next time, & some repeated the harmful pattern – as in the list below. (the Men….) (the Women….)

BTW (in our culture)  • Generally, men do need & want relationships, but tend to get their basic sense of identity from work & career, academic achievement, athletic success &/or material gain. So their vulnerably to bullying is more likely to come from outside the home.
• Women tend to base their whole identity on the number, quality & intensity of their personal relationships.
Because of that, they’re more vulnerable & more likely to be abused by ‘loved ones’. The need to be a ‘good’ daughter, wife, mother, friend, co-worker…. makes them willing to do just about anything to maintain those connections, often to their detriment.

MARTYR vs VICTIM  : This distinction is naturally about ‘functioning’ adults, who make conscious or unconscious choices regarding a bad situation they find themself in. The difference between the two is that Martyrs are self-aware (sort of) & Vs are in denial – at least to start with.
«

«
NEXT: Traits of Victims – (Part 2)

ACoAs dealing with ABUSERS (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

IS IT ME, OR –
are they the crazy ones?

PREVIOUS: Dealing with Abusers -#1

SEE post: “They did the best they could”


1. ACoA Silence (Part 1 & 2)

2. SPEAKING UP
a. “Wrong” Talking
Unhealthy – over-explaining or justifying ourself, pushing our opinions, trying to be heard & be ‘right‘. It can be in the form of ranting, repeating the same thing over & over, having a tantrum or being preachy.
It’s most likely to happen when we’re with someone who clearly is not interested in what we feel or think – but we refuse to accept it, & keep trying!
“Maybe I can wear them down OR figure out the ‘right way’ to say it!” It’s classic ACoA to try getting our needs met from the very people who can’t do it!
b. Healthy Talking
Taking care of ourselves includes having to ASK for something (don’t expect mind-reading), or just expressing our point of view.  It’s important to let others know what we want, but this must be done…communication

i. ….once we’re sure we know what our real need is in a given situation (respect, stopping an abuse, getting info or a service….).
That way we can be direct & clear, rather than assuming someone should know. That’s only legitimate for infants, who can’t talk yet.
FROM :
ii. ….our Adult ego state, not from the WIC. It means short, to the point & unemotional. This works most of the time!  Reasons for us to speak up to abusers are :
• putting the Perp on notice that we’re not available to be their Victim (V), which represents our self-esteem, knowing we deserve respect
UNIT ego state• standing up for our WIC and the Healthy Child. It’s the job of the Loving Inner Parent, especially since no one did that for us, growing up.
Our attention is best focused on what’s appropriate for us rather than trying to control others. We’ll not be speaking up for the P’s benefit – ever! It does not matter that the P. will not be able to hear you, much less willing to change. The WIC can hear you. Be your own champion!
BY :
iii. ….asking the right person :
• If it’s someone you already know well, always check in with yourself first : “Can they provide what I’m asking for, or am I barking up the wrong tree?”
DO NOT chase a hope-filled fantasy. We just diminish ourself, get furious, feel ‘bad’, then hopeless.

• If you’re asking a stranger (like ‘Customer Service’) & you don’t get what you need from one person, hang up & keep trying until you get someone else who knows what they’re doing, & can provide an answer or service – if it’s actually possible & realistic! It may take 3 or 4 calls, but it works!

BOTTOM LINE
Silence or Denial?  Can you save yourself from getting run over by a car if you’re blindfolded & wandering in the street? NO!
ACoAs keep suffering – unnecessarily – as long as our eyes are tightly closed to the damage others do to us, even inadvertently. Yes, sometimes we are the source of our pain – from the WIC or the PP – which can be corrected with compassion & eliminating harmful self-talk.

But when someone else is being mean, selfish, crazy or cruel toward us, it causes us pain – just as it would for anyone. But it’s even more so for ACoAs because of our earlier wounds.  By recognizing when the pain is coming from (our damage vs another person’s), we eliminate much of our Self-Hate.

PONDER: You get shot by stray bullets in a nearby gunfight you have nothing to do with. You don’t die, but are left having to deal with severe injuries that take a long time to heal. You didn’t do the shooting, so you didn’t cause your wounds – even if you unfortunately happened to be in the vicinity.

So why do ACoAs blame ourself for the abuse we got from our sick parents & now from others who spray their mental / emotional illness over everything?
REMEMBER : we were not the source of the original mistreatment!
It’s not our fault that the other person chose to act in a certain way. The clearer we are about who is responsible for what – theirs vs. ours – the kinder we can be to ourself, & the better our life becomes.

NEXT: Traits of  Victims #1

ACoAs dealing with ABUSERS (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

I’M TOO SCARED  to tell!

PREVIOUS:  Denial & Acting out

SITE: 15 Secret Signs You’re Actually Really Insecure

Post:  “ACoAs Getting Controlled” (1 & 2)


1. ACoA SILENCE
ACoAs are more than reluctant to speak up for ourselves. We hold it in & hold it in, then eventually explode at others, OR implode – into illness, depression & isolation.
We’re equally mute with people WHO:
• are actually abusive, whether they know it & don’t care, or have no idea what effect they’re having
• we just think they are hurting us by something they said or by not reading our mind (giving us what we need without us having to ask for it), but they’re really not harmful – they’re just pushing a button in us
• are not being abusive at all, but we’re afraid of hurting their feelings, scaring them away or -god forbid- make them angry at us!

Validation – We may need sane sources to help us identify ‘who did what’ but don’t go to the Perp. They deny or confuse. Al-Anon stresses “Detach! Let go” – with love, with hate, with humor… any way possible!
You wouldn’t demand that a person blind from birth should see colors! Don’t chase abusers – for anything, especially to admit they’re wrong!don't talk

REASONS 
a. The ACA “DON’T TALK” rule   (they = parents / community), ABOUT WHAT :
• is actually going on in the family itself – don’t air dirty laundry – it’s no one else’s business (family shame = family secrets)
• you need & want, since they can’t or don’t want to provide them
& ABOUT WHAT:
• you feel emotionally – they don’t want to hear it, they’re already in enough pain & don’t know how to deal with it, so don’t need yours too!
• your personal opinions, values & observations are – if they don’t fit in with the ‘party line’ (the ‘story’ created about the tribe we all belong to).

🤐 No matter how twisted, it’s our family & we protect it at all costs. These messages prevent some ACoAs from going to 12-Step programs &/or therapy – seeing it as disloyalty.

b. Co-dependence
Of course most people don’t want to ‘be in trouble’ with others, so we learn what’s appropriate to say or not say, especially in public.
But for ACoAs it’s always about FoA (fear of abandonment). Even as adults we’re afraid of unpleasant reactions from others – when they get angry at, dislike, make fun of – or worse – ignore us!

• Our co-dependence (needing others’ good-will to feel OK about ourself) drives us do anything we can to prevent anyone from expressing even slight disapproval, which will set off our S-H.
The WIC believes: “I’m so unlovable, no one really wants me & sooner or later will leave. Unless I can con them into accepting or at least  tolerating me – I’ll die”. So we think lying or silence is safer.

REALITY: MOST of how people respond to us has nothing to do with who we are – but the child’s narcissism takes everything personally. In the present, anything that seems like an abandonment feels like punishment,
✎ ✐ rather than others just having their own feelings & opinions, OR are acting out their damage.
SITE: From Parent-Pleasing to People-Pleasing 

c. Controlled
Another reason we’re silent is the brain-washing we received growing up. We were trained so thoroughly to ignore what we heard, saw & experienced – that we end up not seeing many things that are in front of us (”What insult?”), misreading a situation (“I’m sure they hate me”) or unable to respond to a painful comment (“I wish I had said…..”).
POST: “ACoAs over-controlling ourself”

EXP:  No matter how articulate some of us are when we’re comfortable, there are times we get emotional brain-freeze.
It’s so-o-o frustrating that when we’re with someone who is being inappropriate, mean, insulting….  it triggers a childhood wound & we instantly shut down with terror, the reminder of family abuse being in total control.
At that moment we’ve lost our internal computer screen – it goes blank & we can’t think, much less talk. Yet as soon as we’re alone, the computer comes back on automatically & we know what we should have said! Darn, darn!

SITE: Emotional Complexity (Habituation, Inhibition, Constriction….) 

NEXT: Dealing with Abusers (Part 2)

DELIBERATE Abuse or Not? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,


I’M SO CONFUSED!
Are they good, bad or evil? 

PREVIOUS: Indirect abusers #2

Review post series:
▪︎  “Noticing painful Events” ….

▪︎  Double Messages and Double Binds)

 

DELIBERATE Abuse or NOT?
Most ACoAs assume that if our parents / lovers… don’t mean to hurt us, &/or can’t help themselves because of their damage, then their behavior can be overlooked.
So – as adults – we shouldn’t call them on it, don’t have to ‘protect’ ourself & we should never get upset with them. After all “it’s not their fault – “They did the best they could…..”.

This is our self-destructive attitude – & takes a toll on our psyche that’s too high a price to pay for staying connected, just to stave off our guilt & loneliness. ACoAs are famous for white-washing abusers, especially parents. We believe that acknowledging what the Ps have done would be disloyal to the family system (or marriage, friendship, boss….), & would cause a rift we think we couldn’t bear. AND yes, for some of us, punishment from those Ps for hearing the Truth can feel like too much for our WIC.

CATEGORIES of Perpetrators (Ps)
a. Overt  – ‘easiest’ to see
• Sometimes a parent will blatantly admit they’re ‘not nice’, don’t care, didn’t love us & never will – “I didn’t want kids in the first place”.
‘The Family Way’ episode of BBC’s “Doc Martin”(12/05), is so very clear – when his estranged parents visit him & the truth comes out!

Some part of us already knew it & it’s excruciating to admit, but hearing it out loud makes it real, eliminating illusion & a hope for the impossible. Of course we have to be willing to work with this info to recover, & not everyone is able or ready. (ARTICLE :“My parents say I’m ugly and wish they’d never had me” )

Also, any type of physical  abuse is horrifying, but simpler to acknowledge, because the injuries are easy to identify, even getting outside validation (as opposed to the other types). Our suffering & our rage is no less intense, which has to be cleaned out, but at least it’s tangible.

• As adults we’ve gotten involved with outright skunks, people who from the beginning were obviously unsafe – unreliable, insensitive, active addicts, under-earning…… They may say : “You knew what I was like / I told you what to expect – or not / I said I wasn’t into relationships” ….

The main problem in facing this kind of abuse is our denial – not the P’s. It was our unwillingness to believe what they were saying, which let us get involved in the first place, because their ‘style’ was so familiar! We didn’t cause the abuse but we sure stayed for it.
😱 These kinds of Ps cause just as much emotionally pain as any other, but the least mentally confusing for us, because if cornered, they’re capable of admitting what they’ve done – although not willingly & without any remorse!. We can heal faster because it’s not mentally crazy-making.  Once we’ve raged & mourned, we can move on.

b. Sneaky (much harder)
• It’s really tough to identify the source of our damage when our family (mates, friends…) profess to love us, but mistreat us much of the time anyway. This can apply to being put-down, manipulated, over-controlled, gaslighted….
As adults it can also be in the form of sexual coercion, or any shade of previous child sexual abuse, especially when you were singled out as a ‘favorite’ (“You’re mysneaky bad special girl”….), & told to keep it a secret. (Indirect Abusers – Part 2)

• They may say they love us (& we believe them) BUT we feel like crap when we’re with them – exhausted, scared, miserable, angry, bored – yet can’t put our finger on why, since nothing seems obviously wrong.
Then after spending time or even just texting / talking with them – sometimes for days or weeks we’re depressed & can’t get back to our life. Naturally ACoAs figure it must be us, right? NO!!
Your body & emotions are clearly telling you that something’s ‘rotten in Denmark’ – & your name isn’t Denmark!

SITE: “TRAUMA HEALING for Your Mind, Body & Soul” with Bible verses

NEXT: Deliberate… #2

INDIRECT Abusers (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

  …. BUT HE’S SO NICE TO ME –
the rest of the time!

PREVIOUS: Direct abusers

RESOURCE:
Dr Irene’s great Verbal Abuse & Recovery site

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

 

COVERT ABUSE  (CA) – Emotional, Mental & Spiritual
• Emotional abuse is one of the most under-reported stressors in the US today. Blatant emotional cruelty may be noticed by others, & definitely felt by the Victim (V) – even if they ignore or excuse it.
The indirect type is consistently administered in small doses, ways the abuser uses so it’ll be easily overlooked, as it gets woven into the fabric of the relationship.
In China this is a form of torture called Lingchi =”Death by a thousand cuts“.

Typically, the V. will say : “It’s not all bad, You don’t know him the way I do. I know she loves me. When something goes wrong it’s really my fault. He didn’t meant it. She’s just under a lot of pressure. I don’t want to miss out on the good things we have together. He needs me. It’s only because she’s in pain” ….

• Sneaky Perpetrators (P) are also full of S-H & FoA, but they hide it better than Vs.  They also think they’re unique, so different from others that they don’t have to follow the same rules as everyone else. Yet they actually have a lot in common with all other Ps, sharing similar thinking & behavior patterns.

While they may never lift a finger to physically injure anyone, the psychological damage they do to others, with it’s long-term scars, are much harder to heal.
Victims are threatened & terrorized emotionally when they try to object to how they’re being treated. A major result is that they don’t believe they have a right to identify themselves as Vs, or to admit their mate, adult-child, friend, relative, boss….is actually abusive.

• TO outsiders, sneaky emotional abusers (E.A.s) don’t stand out – they usually present themselves as decent, successful, calm. They have a talent for creating a public image that contradicts how they are behind closed doors. They use public venues to have an adoring audience & as an outlet for their ‘better’ qualities (at work, church, politics….) —covert abusers
— but will take out their emotional sickness on those who are closest, most vulnerable & most dependent on them. In general, Ps needs a safe place to let their dirty hair down where no one will judge them, hold them accountable, object or leave!
TO their families, they’re often childish, controlling, self-absorbed, cheap, hypercritical, compulsive, & mean-spirited. What’s so confusing is that this type of abuser is actually BOTH. But the abusive side always wins out in private.

• Covert Abusers are passive-aggressive, which means they show their anger (aggression) sideways (passively) by withholding information, deliberately stalling, being stubborn, sulking, and/or not trying their best. They ignore reasonable requests to put in a reasonable amount of effort into their closest relationships. They pick partners who are push-overs with low self-esteem, who find it easy to make excuses for the other person’s terrible behavior.

EXP: Ps will make you choose an action that affects you both (dinner, movie, trip….) & then blame you because they didn’t like it or it didn’t work out. They also may deny that you asked them for their opinion or input in the first place, accusing you of being controlling. You’ve been set up! Altering another’s reality is abuse.

FORMS of Cover Abuse
Brainwash: using systematic & often forcible pressure, they coerce someone into adopting radically different beliefs from their own
Crazy-making: throwing someone mentally or emotionally off-balance, making them easier to control (so they don’t trust their own thoughts)
Divert / Evade : change any “undesirable” topic to something irrelevant, illogical or crazy
AND
Gaslight: psychologically manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity (not trust their own memory or observations )
Grooming: prepare or train someone to become submissive for a particular purpose or activity, by first being overly-attentive
Guilt-tripping : shift blame, act sincere then retaliate with silence, word twisting & circular conversations
Playing the Victim : act like they’ve being injured by any request for communication or appropriate responsibility  (MORE…)

NEXT: INDIRECT Abusers (Part 2)

DIRECT ABUSERS

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

THEY ALWAYS SCARED ME – now I can’t say how I really feel

PREVIOUS: What is abuse #4

SITE: Characteristics of Abusers

QUOTE: “Social anxiety results from being around people who are resolutely opposed to who you are.” ✍︎ Stefan Molyneux (Freedomain Radio)

OVERT ABUSE
(Perps = Perpetrators, Abusers / Vs = Victims)
• The visible form of overt abuse – physical violence – is easiest to identify. But Vs are usually too broken & ashamed to acknowledge what they’re enduring : “I walked into a door, I accidentally fell , It’s nothing, they didn’t mean it”…..

However, there are other direct ways that only the V experiences (list below). Cover-ups are used by all types of Vs : TOWARD single women, financially dependent mothers, children, the elderly, and abused men – to not show weakness. Shame silences.

• All blatant abuse is done with no concern for the physical or mental well-being of the victim. Even ‘loved ones’ have no real or separate existence – the V is just an extension of the Perp’s internal world, experienced as part of themself, like one of their own limbs. Narcissistic mother to child:  “Put a sweater on, I’m cold!”

👺 Most Perps totally believe they have a right to control, put down, manipulate. They consider it legitimate to exert power over others, and that weak people deserve to be put in their place – because weakness is to be despised. By extension any weakness in themself has to be eradicated!  Besides, they say Vs are ‘asking for it’ by being pathetic. So there’s no reason for the P to change!

IRONY: Abusers believe & act as if they’re the god of their personal world – to be obeyed & worshiped. YET they’re totally dependent on others for their sense of equilibrium & well-being!

IF they loses power over others, it can feel like they’re losing control of a limb, even their mind. Their insecurity-driven anxiety will trigger violence, intense manipulations & frantic attacks, in an effort to shore up the endangered False Self & force the V. back into alignment.
BECAUSE:
• the independence or disobedience of a significant other radically diminish the Perp’s identity & supply of psychic nourishment
• it forces the P to experience not being the center of everything, while not realizing their world view is way ‘off’
• they lose the sense of control over their inner world (thoughts, feelings….), which they find intolerable

CONFUSED Victims often say “I just don’t understand why they…” OR obsessively repeat: “Why are they doing this? What did I do wrong?”….

➼ Vs are not asking for self-knowledge, nor compassion for the P. Rather, it’s their WIC’s need to placate the monster they’re not allowed to leave.
Traumatized ACoAs believe that – “If I could only figure out exactly why they’re acting this way, then I can change myself, them or the situation (mainly myself), then things will get much better & we’ll all be happy!”

BEHAVIORS  (see also  “TRAITS” )
• Degradation: make the cost of resisting seem more dangerous to the V’s self-esteem than giving in. Reduces them to “animal level” concerns
• Enforce Trivial Demands: create the habit of giving in (compliance)
• Induced Debility & Exhaustion: weaken mental & physical ability to resist
• Isolation : eliminate all social support which would help the V. to resist. Create in the V. an intense concern for & dependence on the P
THEY:
• Monopolize Perception : focus the V’s attention on some immediate problem, forming a narrowed vision of reality.  Eliminate any input competing with those chosen by the abuser, preventing the V. from taking any opposing actions
• ‘Omnipotence‘: make it clear it’s impossible to resist being abused & dominated
🖤 Use Occasional Indulgences: The P provides ‘positive’ motivation for the V’s continued compliance (payoffs for obeying), but keeps the V starving with crumbs to keep them quiet & coming back for more
• Threats: Cultivate fear, anxiety & despair
(from Dr. Judith Biderman, MORE...)

NOTE:  At the end of “The Sopranos’, the therapist fires Tony after reading a -genuine – study by Samuel Yochelson & Stanton Samenow, psychiatrists specializing in the criminal mind. It reports that therapy doesn’t actually help sociopaths – only further enables their bad behavior by sharpening their manipulative skills.

NEXT: Indirect Abusers, #1

What is EMOTIONAL Abuse? (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

YOU NEVER ADMIT
what’s really going on!

PREVIOUS: What is E. A.? (#2)

SEE ACRONYM Page for abbrev.


P. = Perpetrator / V. = Victim
TYPES of EMOTIONAL ABUSE (E.A.) 

ASSERTIVE = standing up for ones rights without intent to harm.
Statements we may have heard growing up
VS
AGGRESSIVE  = deliberately trying to hurt someone, at any level (PMES). The receiver of the aggression may not be the actual target, like kicking the dog when you’re mad at your boss

EMOTIONALLY HARMFUL statements we may have heard growing up ALSO, they tell outright lies about us, and love to recount to everyone -sensitive, shameful or embarrassing stories about us
Naturally, this list is only a fraction of what damaging family & other adults are capable of – a guide to help us think about what we may still be ignoring from the past OR still putting up with, maybe without realizing. (Journaling POSTS – “Writing for Personal Growth“)

TYPES of EMOTIONAL ABUSE (E.A.)
✔️ Direct & obvious
Perps usually have an angry, attacking attitude. THEY :
• make you one-down to them by judging & invalidating you, undermining the equality & autonomy essential for healthy adult relationships
• use accusations, blaming, labeling, name-calling, ordering around
• use one-up parent-to-child communications, infantilizing you

✔️ Dominating
INDIRECT -They
• railroad discussions, talk over you, won’t give you room to respond…. so you don’t have time to identify what’s wrong with what they’re saying or doing
• if verbally clever, they’ll make their point seem perfectly logical even though they’re twisting everything in their favor, using CDs
DIRECT – They
• give away or throw your things out without discussion or permission
• smash, throw, deface or cut up personal or household items
• want to control your every action, to have their own way – and will resort to threats & verbal attacks to get it

✔️ Emotional Blackmail – they
scared• draw you in by being nice, then unpredictably say something cruel, or push you away, act disgusted
• play on your compassion, values, guilt, shame, limitations or other “hot buttons” to get what they want
• threaten to end the relationship, to totally reject or abandon you, ignore or use other fear tactics, unless you give in

✔️ Indirect – they
• are often disguised as “helping”- BUT it’s actually criticizing – ‘fixing you’, giving unsolicited advise, analyzing you, questioning your tastes & decisions
•  use the implied judgmental tone of “I know best” – to belittle, control, or demean, rather than support your growth & development

✔️ Threaten
• to leave, any time they don’t like something – but doesn’t go
• to take the kids, the car, the house…  • to stop paying for important necessities  • to get you fired  &/or ruin you reputation using lies
• to hit or do other harm (your kids), but don’t follow thru
• to commit suicide (& it will be your fault), but never do

✔️ Verbal assaults – theyScreen Shot 2015-07-15 at 2.51.42 PM
• berate, belittle, criticize, name call
• blow your flaws out of proportion, harping on them
• constantly blame, use sarcasm & humiliation
• make fun of you, any time, & in front of others
• scream, threaten you physically

NEXT: EMOTIONAL Abuse? (Part 4)

What is EMOTIONAL Abuse? (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

CRUELTY COMES IN MANY FORMS –
& they all hurt my feelings!

PREVIOUS: Emotional Abuse (Part 1)

SITE: Types of Emotional Abuse 


EMOTIONAL REACTIONS to Emotional Abuse (E.A.)
✶ The most important thing to remember is that ALL categories of abuse cause emotional damage. We need  to notice how those actions or words make us feel emotionally – as in – NOT happy!

UNDER – No matter how much head knowledge we have about our issues, without doing deeper FoO work many ACoAs have a hard time even recognizing familiar abuses as they’re happening, much less feel an emotional sting. If we’re still numb from old pain & lack of self-care, it’s very hard to connect depression & S-H with being exposed to E.A.

• It’s as if we were wearing that huge white medical collar that vets sometimes put on dogs/cats – we can see over the top, but not the knife in someone’s hand as they stick it in our gut – especially if they’re smiling!
We may feel some pain, but don’t understand that it’s truly coming from outside of ourself. As trained victims from childhood, we always assume that – if we’re hurting – it a sure sign there’s something wrong with us. NOT SO!

OVER – When we do over-react emotionally to a person or event, the tricky part is being able to over-reactseparate what just happened in the present from the accumulated suffering of past abuse. Often it IS a combination of the two, in layers – like when someone’s only ‘stepped on your toe’

Instead, it feels like the foot has been cut off & we’re left bleeding, because of all the times our family did the same thing to us.
Whenever we have an intense reaction we know “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”. We need to validate our fear, outrage, sadness…. while still staying in the present moment & seeing reality.
SO,  we can:
• double check** if something was actually an abusive situation – or are we reading into it (projection) because it’s so similar from the past.
⚙︎ ASK: “Did this current event call for such an intense reaction?
Do I feel like I’m being stomped on, discarded like garbage or my life is being threatened – when all someone did was not text immediately back, looked at me ‘funny’’, not said hello, told me what to do…..

** ‘Checking’ may include asking someone we trust for an evaluation of the event, or going back to the original person & asking what they meant by ___?, or why they did ____?.
Whether they tell us the truth or not, many times their answer will be surprising – it’s not what we thought they meant, because it had nothing to do with us.  So we could not have guessed what they actually meant!  It’s important to ask.
work abuseWe can also:
• identify unpleasant or inappropriate words & actions that did actually happen, instead of ignoring the event or how we feel. They weren’t just in our imagination.
For some ACoAs this may take outside validation too, including comparing lists of ‘My Rights’ against Abusive Behaviors.

✶ All Over & Under-reactions come from our WIC or PP. Appropriate responses (not reactions) come from our UNIT.
Learning to tell the difference between actual abuse & our projections or paranoia comes from internalizing the healing of Recovery work + accumulated information about present-day reality + validating our feelings & experiences – via meetings, reading, healers & therapists.

UNPREDICTABILITY
a. Their Reactions
• Perps have drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts –
✓ with unpredictable, irrational changes in reaction to you or your normal behaviors
✓ who will say one thing one day & the opposite the next, &
✓ will like what you do one day & hate it the next…
SO: mood swings
• being maddeningly inconsistent, you never know what’s expected of you
• you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop
• you have to stay hyper-vigilant so you know when to ‘duck’

b. Constant Chaos – THEY
• are ‘addicted to drama’ causing endless upheaval for everyone
• change plans or ‘rules’ at the last minute, without informing you
• keep you off-balance, never knowing what’s real or ‘safe’, so they have all the power
• often start arguments, disagreements, create conflicts
• make promises you depend on, but rarely follow thru

NEXT: Emotional Abuse (Part 3)

What is EMOTIONAL Abuse? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

I’M ALWAYS DRAINED or ANNOYED
after being with that person!

PREVIOUS: Grandiosity vs Normal

BOOK: “Co-dependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls” ~ Robert Burney

REVIEW posts on Emotions


EMOTIONAL ABUSE (E.A.)
How others treat us is about them (their damage or health).
AND –  How we react to others is about us (our wounds or Recovery!)

“Emotional abuse is the foundation of all other types. It’s the most damaging part of physical, sexual, mental….(PMES) trauma done to our heart & soul, the way we were betrayed by the people we love & trust.  It’s is a devastating, debilitating mutilation of our essence – the deepest lasting wound of any abuse .” (MORE….)
“Co-dependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls” ~ Robert Burney

• E.A. is also sometimes referred to as Psychological or Mental Abuse, divided into Verbal Aggression, Dominant and Jealous Behaviors – by the “Conflict Tactics Scale”.
Unlike sexual or physical mistreatment, which can cause lasting trauma with only one event, E.A. comes from repeated exposure. E.A. is :
— anything that causes fear by intimidation (US Justice Dept)
pulling hair— motivated by urges for “power & dyscontrol”** (Health Canada)

**Dyscontrol : “A pattern of abnormal, episodic or frequently uncontrollable social behavior, of repeated acts of violent aggression in an otherwise normal person, markedly out of proportion to events that provoked it, which are caused by brain disorders OR substance abuse”

E.A. comes in many guises, obvious or subtle. It’s violence experienced in any relationship which is just as damaging as physical assaults, if not more so, because it goes to the core of who we are as human beings. (Wikipedia)
Many emotional abusers operate under the guise of “teaching, advising, correcting, and/or guiding”, & therefore fly under the radar, spreading their poison year after year.

“Emotional violence is another kind of abuse … not about words, because Perpetrators don’t always resort to using the verbal club, but rather an untraceable poison……
They may in fact, speak very kind words to you, and so – to everyone else – will seem nothing but supportive.  Their covert abuse is administered in small, cunning ways over time.  So the impact is gradual, not immediately visible.”
~ from “THIS IS HOW” Augusten Burroughs
NOTICING 
E.A. can be very difficult to identify because:
a. very often there are no outward signs, such as physical scars or broken bones – ‘only’ breaking of the spirit!
It includes the use of coercion, insults, neglect, threats …. to control another person, who loses (or never gains) self-esteem & the freedom to grow.
Victims of E.A. blame themself for the mistreatment, & their S-H makes them cling to perpetrator, staying because they believe they have nowhere else to go, & no one else will want them.

b. it’s so common in our culture that we don’t consider it a problem. Alice Miller’s “For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child Rearing & the Roots of Violence” (1980) describes this issue. Read Review .
And her “Banished Knowledge” book is about how we’re taught from early on to ignore being treated badly (T.) & how that feels (E.) Read Review.   People who are emotionally hurtful are everywhere, & are usually oblivious to the effect they have on their Victim(s).

Perpetrators (P)  includes people who:
• don’t consider our personality when interacting to us (only their own)
• make a judgmental or belittling comment to us in front of others
• only talk & think about themself (no room for us)
• tease us using things they know we’re sensitive about
• tell us what to do, how to think, how to feel
• try to make us take care of them, make us feel guilty, act needy…..
• try to fix us with action-suggestions, when we only need an ear & empathy

ALSO, the people around the P’s target often validate pubic humiliation & thoughtless or cruel remarks by laughing, as if the mean comment was clever & amusing. It’s a way to cheer the perpetrator on – long as it’s not being done to them! This can come from siblings, school mates, co-workers, club members…
When we are the target – we feel terribly alone, hurt & angry.

NEXT: Emotional Abuse (Part 2)