I’m just a little kid!

Previous: Partner Abuse

SITE: Emotional Trauma in the Womb

Abuse PATTERNS: the following come from several Child Abuse sites. These styles are mainly perpetrated by immediate family, but also apply to other caretakers, teachers & peers.

DEF: — “Acts or omissions by parents or other caregivers that have caused, or could cause  – serious behavioral, cognitive, emotional, or mental disorders
(National Center on Child Abuse & Neglect)
— “When a child is regularly threatened, yelled at, humiliated, ignored, blamed or otherwise emotionally mistreated”.  (AMA)

❖ E.A. is a type of brainwashing which leaves deeper & longer-lasting scars than physical ones, eventually showing up as problems on all 4 PMES levels. Includes:
• excessive teasing of infant or child, ridicule youth in public
• telling a child it’s adopted (when it’s a lie) to make them feel unwanted
• threaten to give them away or send them to an orphanage
• repeatedly tell the child it caused the divorce or death of a patent ….

Belittling – one of the most common forms, is when the caregiver acts as a extremely distorted mirror – so the child sees themselves as described:
lazy, selfish, unlovable, worthless, ……
This slows the growth of the child’s talents & skills, or inhibits them altogether, severely limiting the child’s own sense of identity & what they can accomplish

E.A. systematically wears away the child’s:
• trust in their own perceptions, thoughts & experience
• ability to judge situations realistically
• self-confidence, sense of self-worth, value & identity
• belief that anyone else could ever want or love them
• willingness to try new experiences, or to take appropriate risks
• ability to take in compliments & trust positive reinforcement from others
SEE posts on E.A.
DEF: Absence or withdrawal of warmth, affection, care, comfort, concern, love, nurturance, support or warmth, by parents.
USEING a variety of physically & psychologically hurtful actions & emotional reactions (disgust, anger, disappointment…).
🤍 Rejection can be:
— indirect (lack of emotional support, encouragement, feedback…) or
— direct (“I never wanted children in the first place”). A negating caretaker destroys the child’s self-image, indicating it has no value as a human being.
• Children rejected from the start develop a range of disturbed self-soothing behaviors. Such infants have very little chance of developing into a healthy adult.

Reject child’s Actions, Needs, Worth – BY:
• constant criticism – nothing is never good enough
• frequent teasing about child’s body type or weight
• excluding child from family activities or expel child from family
• expressing regret the child wasn’t born the opposite sex
• regular verbal humiliation, name-calling with : demeaning jokes, labels such as geek, over-sensitive, selfish, stupid, ugly, worthless ….
• not allowing the teen to make own reasonable choices
• physical abandonment, deny child’s existence
• refusing hugs & other loving (non-sexual) gestures
• treating a teen like she/he is still a young child
• yell, swear at or verbally attacking the child

FACT:  Rejection is the most insidious form of emotional abuse.  A U.S. study that randomly assigned ‘rejection experiences’ to students – found that their IQs  dramatically dropped & therefor the ability to reason, while increasing aggression (Baumeister: Rejection)
DEF: “An ongoing pattern of inadequate care (4 types) – the parent not providing many or all fundamental, age-appropriate childhood needs (education, emotional nurturing, health care, nutrition, safe housing, supervision….) — even though financially able, to such a degree that a child’s health & safety are endangered (NCANDS, 2007)….

• Neglect can be the result of parents abusing drugs & alcohol, being physically incapable, depressed, hospitalized… but more often because they don’t want to deal with the many PMES needs of their children.

They may provide only the Physical basics (food, clothing, shelter), but NOT
Emotional (love, comfort, acceptance, admiration …)
— Mental (general conversation, specific info, teaching, what to expect…)
Spiritual needs (moral & spiritual modeling….) See: “7 Spiritual needs” 

😪 Often, neglected children don’t want to leave school to go home, are constantly tired, depressed & feel like they don’t belong anywhere.
IGNORING children deprives them of all the essential stimulation & interaction necessary for emotional, intellectual & social development. (RESULTS….)

NEXT: Abuse of Children (Part 2)

INDIRECT Abusers (Part 1)


the rest of the time!

PREVIOUS: Direct abusers

Dr Irene’s great Verbal Abuse & Recovery site

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.


COVERT ABUSE  (CA) – Emotional, Mental & Spiritual
• Emotional abuse is one of the most under-reported types in the US today. Blatant emotional cruelty may be noticed by others, & definitely felt by the  Victim (V) – even if they ignore or excuse it .
For ACoAs – it’s regular abuse in small doses, which the abuser uses so they will be easily overlooked, as they gets woven into the fabric of the relationship.
In China this is a form of torture – Lingchi –  called “Death by a thousand cuts“.

Typically the V. will say : “It’s not all bad, You don’t know him the way I do. I know she loves me. When something goes wrong it’s really my fault. He didn’t meant it. She’s just under a lot of pressure. I don’t want to miss out on the good things we have together. He needs me. It’s only because she’s in pain” ….

• Sneaky Perpetrators (P) are also full of S-H & FoA, but they hide it better than Vs.  They also think they’re unique, so different from others that they don’t have to follow the same rules as everyone else. Yet they actually have a lot in common with all other Ps, sharing similar thinking & behavior patterns.

While they may never lift a finger to physically injure anyone, the psychological damage they do to others, with it’s long-term scars, are much harder to heal.  Victims are threatened & terrorized emotionally when they try to object to how they’re being treated. A major result is that they don’t believe they have a right to identify themselves as victims, or to admit their mate, adult-child, friend, relative, boss….is actually abusive.

• TO outsiders, emotional abusers (E.A.s) don’t stand out – they usually present themselves as decent, successful, calm. They have a talent for creating an image for the public that contradicts how they are behind closed doors. They use public venues to have an adoring audience & as an outlet for their ‘better’ qualities (at work, church, politics….) —covert abusers
— but will take out their emotional sickness on those who are closest, most vulnerable & most dependent on them. In general, Ps needs a safe place to let their dirty hair down where no one will judge them, hold them accountable, object or leave!
TO their families, they’re often controlling, self-absorbed, hypercritical, compulsive, childish & mean-spirited. What’s so confusing is that this type of abuser is actually BOTH. But the abusive side always wins out in private.

• Covert Abusers are passive-aggressive, which means they show their anger (aggression) sideways (passively) by withholding information, deliberately stalling, being stubborn, sulking, and/or not trying their best. They ignore reasonable requests to put in a reasonable amount of effort into their closest relationships. They pick partners who are push-overs with low self-esteem, who find it easy to make excuses for the other person’s terrible behavior.

EXP: Ps will make you choose an action that affects you both (dinner, movie, trip….) & then blame you because they didn’t like it or it didn’t work out. They also may deny that you asked them for their opinion or input in the first place, accusing you of being controlling. You get set up! Altering another’s reality is abusive.

FORMS of Cover Abuse
Brainwash: using systematic & often forcible pressure, coerce someone into adopting radically different beliefs from their own
Crazy-making: to throw someone mentally or emotionally off-balance, making them easier to control (not trust their own thoughts)
Divert / Evade : change undesirable topic to something illogical, irrelevant or crazy

Gaslight: psychological manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity (not trust their own memory or observations )
Groomingprepare or train someone to become submissive for a particular purpose or activity

Guilt-tripping : shift blame, act sincere then retaliate with silence, word twisting & circular conversations
Playing the Victim : act like they’ve being injured by any request for communication or responsibility  (MORE…)

NEXT: INDIRECT Abusers (Part 2)