PREVIOUS: Dealing with Abusers – #3
QUOTE: “Some people wonder why others often fail to treat them with respect — not realizing they’ve signaled that it’s not necessary to treat them with respect.”
V= Victim // P= Perpetrator (abuser)
VICTIMS – There are 2 broad categories of Vs – Voluntary (for a principle or religious belief, in war, to save a loved one….) & Involuntary.
For our purpose a Victim is anyone who suffers continual harm from another – as a child, as an invalid or the elderly, & not by choice.
Involuntary V. Sub-types
a. Passive – most common
• External : easily react to being baited, easily hurt, try to placate or be overly helpful, not able to use humor to diffuse conflict, justify themself, few or no friends, socially award (no matter how intelligent)
• Internal : depressed, hopeless, lonely, needy, self-hating, unhappy
b. Provocative – rarer (will have some, but usually not all these traits)
• Attitude: resists rules, no patience for delay
• Behavioral : fights back & keeps at it, but always looses with frustration & upset
• Emotional : easily angered, frustrated, irritable, in great distress, over-sensitive
• Internal : immature, impulsive, restless – but gifted!
• Physical : may have learning disability (ADD, dyslexia, autism …)
• Social : misreads social cues, poor interactive skills, reacts aggressively to authority, teases others & don’t know when to stop, and
• can be very annoying or irritating , & so easily avoided. Give off the unconscious message “Kick Me”
Vs are ABUSED by Being:
• emotionally tortured, & mentally disoriented
• ridiculed, punked or teased, the continual target of someone’s anger
• punished for the errors or stupidity of others
• tricked, swindled, manipulated or taken advantage of
• the focus of unrealistic & excessive expectations
• physically neglected or injured
• subjected to attacks, oppression, hardship & other mistreatment.
• As a result of long-term abuse, usually started in childhood, a person will continue the original Victim role. It’s the feeling of helpless, being passive in the face of current or future ill-treatment or misfortune – called “learned helplessness” —> see Artwork #3
• Vs who need to be in a relationship – at all costs – will gravitate to some type of abuser. They may be of either gender, high or low functioning, underprivileged or highly accomplished.
EXP: Many famous & talented men & women have been victims of domestic violence, such as Carol Channing, Whitney Houston, Tina Turner, Reba McEntire, Madonna…. AND Phil Harman, Kelsey Grammer, Abraham Lincoln, Stephen Hawking (by his wives), Bill Clinton (in childhood)….
We know from reports that some stayed with their Perps long-term, (Ms. Channing, Pres. Lincoln…) while others got themselves out. Some chose better the next time, & some repeated the harmful pattern – as in the list below. (the Men….) (the Women….)
BTW • Generally, men need & want relationships, but tend to get their basic sense of identity from work & career, academic achievement, athletic success &/or material gain. So their vulnerably to bullying is more likely to come from outside the home.
• Women tend to base their whole identity on the number, quality & intensity of their personal relationships.
Because of that, they’re more vulnerable & more likely to being abused by ‘loved ones’. The need to be a ‘good’ daughter, wife, mother, friend, co-worker…. makes them willing to do just about anything to maintain those connections, often to their detriment.
MARTYR vs VICTIM : This distinction is naturally about ‘functioning’ adults, who make conscious or unconscious choices regarding a bad situation they find themselves in. The difference between the two is that Martyrs are self-aware (sort of) & Vs are in denial – at least to start with.
NEXT: Traits of Victims – (Part 2)