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What about EMOTIONS? (Part 4)

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therapy couch 3 I CAN HAVE ALL MY FEELINGS, & still be in control of myself!

PREVIOUS: What about Es? (Part 2)

 

MASTERY vs CONTROL
EXTERNAL focus: Control : “TO direct & command & having authority over others, OR to hold back, curb, restrain”.
The need for negative control (being controlling) in our personal life comes from an intense desire to avoid feeling fear – fear we’ve been storing away a little at a time, year after year, until it’s a mountain too overwhelming to face

Without realizing it, we believe that if we can ‘direct or restrain’ other people & situations around us we can prevent feelings of terror & rage from surfacing.  Controlling our Es keeps us from knowing ourself fully, while trying desperately to manage other people’s perceptions of us.

INTERNAL focus: Mastery, on the other hand, is about becoming an expert in some area.
Regarding emotions (Es), it’s recognizing & accepting our True Self &  others’ – since we’re all emotional beings.  We can be in charge of our feelings & behavior, as well understand & be respectful of others

• In ACoAs language,  mastery of our Es means having our Healthy Adult & Loving Parent in charge (the UNIT), instead of the WIC or PP, while giving lots of room for the Healthy Child to thrive & express itself.
When we let ourself to have a wide range of Es & learn how to handle them correctly, their intensity fades because they don’t get back-logged & then have to explode.

painfull EsUNHEALTHY or UNUSUAL:  Painful Es that we feel continually over long periods of time (rage, fear, sorrow, hopelessness …..) may be:
• from a traumatic past, & are tightly linked to beliefs, fantasies, wishes, resentments…. that we haven’t processed yet, & so are harmful to us
• caused by sudden shock or unexpected loss we can’t seem to get over (such as with PTSD)
• the result of aging, a brain injury, chemical imbalance (like with clinical depression) or side0effects of legal & illegal drugs or medications

Many (but not all) of these causes of Es can be worked thru psychologically so they can be released, & in some cases be greatly helped by corrective medication.

NOT ALL EMOTIONS are big, scary or overwhelming.
The ones we have in the moment are usually subtle, short-lived & sometimes conflicting.  ACoAs have been so brain-washed to not recognize Es in general, that we barely acknowledge the big ones, so the subtler ones can get missed altogether (non-dramatic ones like – being pleased, relieved, quite comfortable, a little frustrated, mildly annoyed, glad…..)

Some ways to relieve the pressure of backed-up E:
• sometimes just writing them out is enough, or drawing them using pens or crayons
• call someone who won’t try to fix or control you, share your Es in Al-anon & therapy
• if angry, do a minute or more of under-your-breath yelling while pounding on the couch or bed, sit in the car, or go outside to vent
• if sad, listen to music, watch a movie, read a book…. to trigger your tears.  Some of us can only cry when we are with others – if they’re safe, some of us only when we’re alone
➼ In many cases you’ll feel lighter & be able to sleep better!

EXP: You got an email from an ex you haven’t heard from in a long time. You’re over him/her, & the content was ok – nothing special.
So — you don’t feel anything. Right?
Well — look inside, & you’ll find there are some left over from old wounds – still vivid & intense.  Don’t judge, just accept & use all your tools to process them.a little sad

• OR maybe there’s only a little sadness, or guilt, or loss or forgotten anger or disappointment – that got activated. But you’re not aware of it – because, you don’t really care anymore, you’ve moved on…. And yes, you really are not invested in this person now, BUT feelings are feelings & aren’t logical.  Just say “I might be feeling something – just quietly.” It’s normal. Acknowledge whatever Es you identify (quiet or loud), give your kid a warm hug & go on with your life – no drama!

NEXT: Es & the body (Part 1)

What about EMOTIONS? (Part 2)

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therapy couch 2I FEEL THAT SHE DOESN’T LIKE ME!
OOPS – that’s not a feeling. It’s a thought!

PREVIOUS : What about Es? (#1)

POSTS : USE THINK …..


HEALTHY emotions (Es) usually are brief / short-term, & will dissipate rather quickly. They’re an immediate response to a thought or some situation at the moment. They give us important information about what’s going on, & get us ready or motivated to act, when appropriate or necessary.
Es come from :
• external events, like being cut off in traffic or your boss being annoying, so you may feel angry, irritated, frustrated…. OR
• internal ‘events’, such as memories of —
— a bad job, a lost loved one, so you may feel sad, lonely, angry, scared OR
— a fun party, great success, a great trip, so you may feel happy, relieved, proud, nostalgic…..

LONG-TERM** emotions are those unhappy, intense ones that – when triggered – seem to go on forever! causing great stress on the body so we never relax. The intensity lets us know they’re not about something current, but rather taping into the unprocessed deep well of accumulated childhood pain.
In the present, when an old button is pushed, we chew & chew on a feeling (anger, abandonment, disappointment….), obsessing on painful experiences, & then add more pain by judging ourself for what we’re feeling.

** Unexplored childhood Es prevent us from being in touch with or honoring honest gut responses in the present, which then distract us from taking needed actions, or drive us to take the wrong kind.

Old painful Es don’t dissipate easily or quickly because they’re still attached to self-abusing beliefs that our WIC is loyal to – the Toxic Family Rules & Roles.
The only ‘benefit’ they provide now is to let us know how we felt in childhood. Accumulated Es hang on until we can verbalize & finally experience them safely.

EXP: You got really angry at a rotten driver on the highway, yelling & giving them the bird… but then gave yourself a hard time for being angry – because you learned as a kid that anger is BAD. You keep judging yourself, maybe also feeling guilt, shame, anxiety & S-H.
WHY? Not making a distinction between the emotion of anger vs. behaviors that expresses it.

Truth: All emotions are legitimate, but not all actions are appropriate!
Even if you can’t prevent the bad-voice tape from clicking on, do NOT let it run – stop it right away AND strongly disagree with what it’s saying. If you do that each time, its power will eventually diminish!

TIME FACTOR
REMINDER – In a psychological healthy state, emotions usually come & go rather quickly. We can have several, even conflicting Es, at the same time – about a specific person or situation.
They’re brief because they’re situation-specific, & we’re not holding on to a negative mental interpretation of what’s being felt (not judging or being afraid of Es)   (More…..)

Interesting : A pioneering study about how long various emotions can be felt, identified – being ashamed or disgusted lasts about (30 min), bored (about 2 hrs), guilt (3.5 hrs), but sadness outlasts them all (up to 120 hours!) The next longest was anger, about 60 hrs.!

⚙️ SOME Es: There are some healthy long-term ‘states’ like love, loyalty, faith…. that can last years or a life-time, even with ups & downs, depending on the individual &/or the relationship

RECOGNIZING Es
Regularly ask “What am I feeling emotionally right now?”  Name any that you can. If you’re not sure, keep the blog’s list of Es on your phone. Write about recent events & talk about them to a friend or in a meeting. Not being alone with them helps.

feelingsQ: Have you noticed that at the end of a day – or week – you feel heavy, tired, depressed – BUT you think ‘Nothing really big / bad happened’ ?
A: List every event, no matter how trivial or ‘innocuous’. Some may actually have been quite stressful
• Next to each one – list Es you had been ‘in touch’ (sad, mad, lonely… or happy, relieved, peaceful….) ,   OR – If you don’t know or are unsure,  imagine which Es you may have felt about them EXP : Your boss ignored you, again – & it didn’t bother you.  Are you sure?

• There are many different Es associated with people & situations that come in & out of your life. If you don’t regularly discharge all that emotional energy, usually from uncomfortable Es, they accumulate in the body & you end up feeling weighed down!
💗 We can also overlook pleasant Es if we’re not used to or allowed to feel them, losing out on healing energy.

NEXT: What about Es? #3

What about EMOTIONS? (Part 1)

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PREVIOUS: “What others think of me is none of my business’ (#2)

REVIEW:  “Feelings Aren’t Facts”

DEFINITIONS (Answers.com):
• The English word emotion (Es) is from the French émouvoir, from the Latin emovere, where e- means ‘out’, & movere means ‘move’, as TO emit & emote
• at its most basic: Es are pure mental & spiritual energy from the core of our being that makes us all one, where we meet & overlap as human beings
• they are short-lived psycho-physical phenomena that represent efficient adaptations to environmental demands (Levenson, ‘94)

• an E. is a particular mental state formed spontaneously rather than by conscious effort, often accompanied by physical changes
therapy couch 1• they are the part of our consciousness that involves sensibility: “The very essence of literature is the war between emotion & intellect” Isaac B. Singer

• Es are the result of combining external experience, brain chemicals, the way we think & the actions we choose —
— based on our native Self, our personal history, with the cultural rules & values we grew up with
• Es can be used to motivate us to take actions needed to connect, to protect ourselves, & to grow
• our Es liven those actions, which would otherwise be rigid or boring

• Emotions coordinate our many adaptive needs so we can function more efficiently, without those needs being in conflict or demanding attention all at the same time (food, shelter, reproduction, safety, sleep, communication….)

survivalEs make up an overriding brain-program that temporarily activates, deactivates, or modifies particular needs. This depends on the current situation – where 1 need is turned on, while another has to be put on hold  – so we can keep functioning properly (sleep vs go to work, stay connected vs withdraw from danger, achieve vs relax, socialize vs. regroup alone…..)

• From Affective NeuroScience (en.wikipedia)
Affect is an encompassing term, used mainly in psychology to describe emotion, feelings & moods, even though it’s more commonly used to mean Emotion

Feelings are our subjective impressions of emotions, private to the person experiencing them – based on perspective, beliefs & desires. A general state of consciousness independent of physical sensations and thoughts….

Moods are diffuse effects, generally lasting much longer than individual Es, but less intense. They represent an overall tone that effects one’s outlook on everything, for as long as the E lasts

• In “What are Emotions? And how can they be measured?” (2005) K. R. Scherer suggested 5 crucial elements:
📌 Action tendencies : motivational energy to prepare & direct motor responses – Es are the push to act in some way
📌 Bodily symptoms : physical aspect of an emotional experience, generated in the gut, but also experienced in other body parts
EXP: FEAR can be felt as tightening of the chest, stomach, throat, weakness in the knees…. & in panic attacks – as temporary blindness, inability to think, ‘clutched heart’, trouble breathing….

📌  Cognitive appraisal : Es provide an evaluation of events & objects. It’s the Mental component that which generate Es – what we think / believe about something, either healthy or unhealthy, accurate or not
📌 Expression : facial & vocal output almost always accompanying an emotional state as a reaction to it, or indicate the intention of taking some action (unless using Botox! )
📌  Feelings : the person’s subjective experience of their emotional state, once it has occurred

BTW – Don‘t confuse feelings or emotions with:
obsession• Compulsions, which are actions we’re not in conscious control of – OR –
• Obsessions (Os), which are over-focused, circular mental rumination, our hamster-in-the-wheel :
a. most Os are unconsciously —
— fueled by anxiety, trauma, S-H, FoA….
— supported by unhealthy thinking (CDs), wanting revenge, being one-up, proving oneself ….

b. less often (legitimate) Os may be:
POSITIVE uses • a way to rehearse phrases or counter-arguments from our Healthy Adult ego state
• ‘passions’, motivated by a deep need to connect with a H.P, to be of service to others or follow a creative goal.

BEST use • mentally reviewing a positive event recently experienced, to anchor it in memory. This is important for countering our “built-in-forgetter”, which automatically negates the good things in our life
Purpose : to solidify smarter ways of verbally responding, which can counter — ACoAs’ tendency to blank out when confronted or criticized (fear,) or — when told something outrageous, insensitive or mean (rage)

💎 Therefore, ‘obsessional repetition’ is a smart tool, creating new brain pathways, so the Frontal Lobes can stay ‘on line’ when we need them the most

NEXT: What about Es? (Part 2)

What Others Think of Me is None of My Business (#1)

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LONELY CREATURES
We’re all social animals, but also need privacy

PREVIOUS: Safe & Unsafe People

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

NOTE: Many people in the mental health field, spiritual practices & new-age wisdom say we shouldn’t worry about what others think of us. Yes, OK, but it’s not that simple! What they don’t tell you is that there’s 2 different aspects, the negative & the positive.

1. DAMAGE (ACoA version) – for anyone with limited self-esteem / S-H, there’s always the assumption that other people don’t like us – it’s our default position & hard to let go of.  And that has 2 parts too! Doesn’t everything?  AH, Dualism!  I can’t help it – I’m a 22/4 with an 8 Destiny. I see both sides – ‘now’. 🙂 Anyway…

a. Awkward (lame, a “drip”? —>)akward
• If we’re obnoxious, angry, childish, clingy, lazy, needy, selfish, un-groomed, or say lots of dumb things – OR just full of negativity & self-doubt, then most people will not like us!

• If we care, these problems can be worked on – if we have the courage, right kind of help & willingness to deal with the pain, sadness & fear that’s at the root all our ‘shortcomings’

• If we don’t care, or the resistance is too great to get past, the external signs & internal causes never get corrected. A great loss for us as individual & to society, but each has their own path.

b. Isolators: Some ACoAs (not about Extroverts / Introverts)
isolate• hide out because of some physical or mental disorder
• but mostly it’s from — Fear, Lack of good Boundaries & Self-hate : wounded souls who need lots of love but aren’t allowed to let it in, even when it’s available. They blame themself for everything that goes wrong. They ‘don’t belong’

• At the other extreme are those wounded ACoAs who are always angry,  complaining, dissatisfied & think they’re superior. They push others away & lose out. They have S-H too, but their whole focus is outside of themself, blaming everyone else for their troubles

c. Acceptable:  Most of us are not social misfits –
• we have an education, jobs, mates, maybe children & some outside interest. YET we think everyone is going to judge us harshly, find out we’re frauds, see  all our flaws… later if not sooner, especially if they get to know usbeing udged
• that’s straightforward Projection onto others of – how our parents treated us & now, our self-judgement

• also, it’s Mind-reading (a CD). We’re sure we know what others are thinking – especially about us, & it’s always negative. That’s ACoA grandiosity.  Stay out of other people’s heads!
• Sadly, even when others like us, love, admire & laud us – we have a hard time believing it, don’t trust it, get embarrassed, tell them why it’s not true. Yuck!

2. Mental HEALTH  — All humans NEED connections, but in differing amounts.
a. Normal:
• Extroverts. (They are 75-80% of the population, at least in the West)
They thrive on the energy absorbed by being around a lot of activity – choices, options, people, events….. even if not interacting with them directly.  (PS – not referring to the energy vampires).
Think: a walk in the park on a great spring day alone, when intro/extroeveryone’s out,  or an evening with a bunch of friends, just ‘messing around’. Doesn’t have to be heavy or deep, although that’s good too. Just being ‘part of’ feels great

• Introverts need activity too with others, just in much smaller doses. They’re mostly comfortable one-on-one & in small groups, for short periods. They derive their energy internally, & are overwhelmed by too much external input.

NEXT: What others think…. #2

Forming Boundaries – with OTHERS (Part 2)

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setting ;imitsIT’S UP to ME to SET MY LIMITS
it’s up to others to honor or ignore them

PREVIOUS: Bs with OTHERS (#1)

POST:   ‘ACoAs & Self-Esteem’

DEF : A boundary is a PMES space you put around yourself, & so do others for themselves

FORMING Boundaries (Bs) with OTHERS 
1. For OURSELF 

2. In Relation to OTHERS
a. Don’t punish others if they’ve forgotten your B. requirements. Consequences should be an inevitable outcome of the choices we each make. Outcomes (our reactions to them) may or may not feel like punishment to the B violator – depending on how intensely they’re still run by their WIC or PP.

• If you feel a strong urge to punish someone for ignoring your requests, it would be best to work on yourself before talking to them again. While they did indeed ‘stepped on your toes’, you may have let the violation go on too long, or else you’re making it too personal. NOT everything is about us!

★ Persistent B violators act like that with everyone, or anyone who will let them!  Do rage work in private, share about it in Al-Anon & therapy, pray for patience, & talk or write to your Inner Child.
Then remind the other person again, OR tell them they’ve crossed the line for the last time!

ii. Make a plan of action for when someone severely violates your Bs (& somebody will!) :
a. Tell them what you don’t like about their behavior – be specific. If you’ve already talked to them about it, refer back to those conversations
b. Ask they to stop immediately – when this is a possibility. If they don’t, then strongly insist
c. Ask for help from your support system when stressed, especially if you feel in danger
d. If there are no other options, walk away with as much dignity as possible, without sarcasm or nasty get-even comments.

💗 Thank anyone who honors your boundaries

REMINDERS
• You can not set Bs AND take care of someone else’s needs! They’re mutually exclusive

• When you feel angry, complaining, rageful, threatened, suffocated, victimized, whiny…..  it’s the pain of not having your Bs respected. These emotions are like flashing red lights telling you something’s wrong – something you don’t like, can’t stand or hate. It means you have to say or change something

• Talk to a Violator from your ADULT ego state,
— since you will inevitably get frustrated & annoyed with someone you love & don’t want to leave, who’s being a pain in the neck
— you may need to express your anger, to get past your resistance to speaking up. Anger makes us feel less vulnerable when we’re afraid —
— AND there are people who will only pay attention when you get ‘heavy’, but getting Adult-angry is not the same as being nasty (from the WIC or PP)

✶ Avoid justifying yourself, apologizing for or rationalizing your needs – because it’ll sound like you don’t believe what you’re saying – so Violators won’t take you seriously either.
Say very little, OR offer a brief explanation – if appropriate & you feel ok doing it. It’s hard to be genuinely intimate with someone if you don’t tell them what’s bothering or hurting you

• At first you may feel afraid, ashamed or guilty when setting a Bs, so it’s it easier to let it slide.
— Do it anyway, the next time you’re with them – because it’s our job to let others know, & some don’t realize they’re trespassing
— Also, people don’t respect someone they can use, manipulate or control, even though they’ll try to get away with itangry at Bs

• Be prepared for anger, attacks, denial, opposition, resistance. Violators don’t like being reined in.
Don’t let their reactions make you doubt your rights! They’re just having a 2-yr olds’ tantrum when they don’t get their way. You have to be ready to enforce your needs, otherwise people will simply ignore you.

• The main prerequisite for good boundary setting is believing you have a right to them! When you’re sure, it will be clear to others even when you don’t say anything, AND fewer B-invaders will show up in your life

• ALSO: make a list of 5-10 ways you violate other people’s Bs. (ACoAs violating Bs) Work on correcting them.  You’ll  feel better about yourself!

NEXT: “What other think of me….”

Forming Boundaries – with OTHERS (Part 1)

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THIS IS SO MUCH WORK!
But I feel better when I enforce my Boundaries

PREVIOUS: Repairing your Boundaries

POST: “Boundaries DEFINED”


FORMING Boundaries (Bs) with OTHERS 
1. For OURSELF (previous)

2. In Relation to OTHERS
a.  Find a support system to help with follow-through.  No one can to go from weak to strong Bs instantly or easily, just because we heard a lecture or read a book. We need people who will remind us of our value, encouraging us to maintain & enforce our limits

b. Use an ACoA therapist, Al-Anon & ACA meetings & other resources – to identify & examine the underlying causes of your unhealthy Bs. While we may have an extensive knowledge of our background, we often need an experienced listener to tag distorted life-patterns that are so automatic we don’t even notice

c. Look for role models & other examples of healthy Bs in your life & in media (TED Talks, podcasts….).  In any situation that challenges your Bs, take a minute to ask: “What would my role model say or do?”
If they’re part of your life, ask them, but don’t assume that what’s good for them must be good for you. Try a variety of yes & no Bsoptions & come to your own conclusions. One size does NOT fit all

d. Identify specific people who YOU will:
— not tolerate any violations from (they’ve already proven to be dangerous, narcissistic, disrespectful…)
— give some leeway to, because usually they’re loving, kind, respectful, AND it’s not realistic to expect anyone to be perfect

e. Educate others on ways you want your Bs to be respected, by clearly stating them. Never assume that people know them. Bs need to be spelled out in detail, & for some people you may even have to write them down. Do not expect others to read your mind, even if they already know you

f. Sit down with each person you have a problem with & let them know what you need & don’t want from them. Try to get their agreement to honor your Bs.
Insist that everyone talk to you with respect – no more digs, making fun of, criticisms, controlling comments…. no matter what. That does NOT mean you lack a sense of humor !

talking @ Bs• With other adults : even if you get a verbal agreement, stay alert for how they actually treat you.
If they repeatedly can’t or won’t honor your request – limit your time with them, or end the relationship, after trying one more time.
You decide when to let go of them, based on the cost to you!
• With kids or teens, work out a plan to help them comply, using methods suggested by a Child Psychologist, or from books & online articles

g. Clearly state the consequences for violating your Bs, BUT NOT until you’re sure you can follow thru! Addicts & codependents have a tendency to violate Bs (deliberately or unconsciously is not the point) & Invaders will always test us, like 2-yr olds, trying to wear you down to get their way

⭐︎ Be ready to stand your ground, to prove you’re serious. How well you can manage that will depend on how strong your Inner Adult has become (in the UNIT)

h. Be consistent & persistent about confronting & enforcing violations, & do is as coolly as possible – even though it can be very tiring or enraging at first
It’s most effective when you don’t over-react emotionally, but come from the Healthy Adult Ego State. Otherwise people can just write you off as bitchy or crazy, especially if they want an excuse for their bad behaviorclear Bs

• If a particular wound in you is still unhealed – you’ll have a strong reaction to feeling abandoned or disrespected, making you anxious & angry
• If you have healthy Bs, you can speak up for yourself & then move on to someone or something else.
It’s not up to you to convince people how wrong they are. Your self-respecting actions will make the statement.

EXP: If someone is chronically late to meet you, tell them that if it continues, you won’t wait more than 15 minutes. Be sure you always have a plan B for yourself. WHEN they’re late again, do NOT wait. They’ll see you mean business – whether they change or not, & then they can decide how to act.

NEXT: Having Bs with OTHERS (Part 2)

REPAIRING Boundaries – with SELF

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Bs OY, ANOTHER PROCESS!
It’s so much work – but I need it

PREVIOUS : Healthy Bs, #2

REVIEW Boundaries Defined // Source / / Info

SITE : “Setting Bs with Oneself”


REPAIRING Damaged Boundaries (Bs)
The source of unhealthy Bs comes from our upbringing. As a result – in the present – it’s a lack of self-worth, not believing we have any rights.
“SIEVES” (leaking from damaged or non-functioning Bs) are trying to gain value by trying to please others, so they let everyone invade their space, obeying Toxic Rules like “Everyone else’s needs are more important than mine”

1. FOR YOURSELF
a. Form a clear sense of your personal values.
b. Identify specific ways your WEAK Bs are unproductive & self-defeating, & write down how they show up in your life. Think of ‘character defects’ as expressions of Self-Hate

c. Notice the fear-based beliefs that reinforce your resistance to change (CDs & Toxic Rules).  List specific ones that apply to you & how you act them out (talking & doing)

d. Identify all POSITIVE Bs that are important to you (5-15 items). These may shift over time, so stay current.
List at least 1 B. from each PMES category that you:
— absolutely will not compromise on, because they’re CORE
— can afford some wiggle room on, because they’re not as crucial to your comfort & safety

e. Make a “Who Am I?” journal. Have separate pages for PMES sub-headings like – Accomplishments, Education, Natural Qualities, Skills, Strengths, Talents, Tastes, Values …..
Fill in any characteristics that come to mind. Ask others to provide the positive qualities they see in you. Continue adding to it as you see more good things about yourselfself-writing

f. Write letters to yourself encouraging the changes you want to activate, that nurture your right to have healthy Bs.
Include 2-handed conversations with your:
• Wounded Child, about how you’d like to help it heal from S-H
• Healthy Inner Child – about ways you want to support it to be visible & happy
• Pig Parent (Negative Introject) – about how you don’t agree with its lies any more!

g. Make 2 lists of Personal Rights, for yourself & for relationships. Keep them on your phone so you can read them often & also keep hard copies on your mirrors, fridge…. (Qs re. Friends….)rights
Pick one ‘Right’ you’d like to develop & incorporate it into your life for a month. At the end of that time write down what happened & how you feel.
Pick another ‘Right’ & do the same….
Re. “Support” – see next post.

h. Keep a separate journal to record the PMES pain** you feel when you don’t stick to your Bs with others. The idea is to cut thru denial about how it affects you, practically & emotionally.
🥲 This kind of pain is NOT from self-recrimination or fear of rejection. Rather, it is the most basic pain of self-abandonment, reproducing what our parents did to us. Without connecting to our emotions, we keep repeating the old ways – as if they don’t cause more damage. It does!

**A certain level of pain is a useful motivator if it’s not too much. Don’t turn ‘failures’ into S-H, depression & isolation. Identify what led up to each B violation, because you were :hurting
• in a situation which pushed a very big button that’s still unhealed
• still letting the WIC run your life, or at least in certain areas….
• tired, ill or otherwise stressed, so more vulnerable
• unaware there would be problems in a new situation
• with the wrong person who always invades Bs, & who no one can stop

i. Regularly build in time for yourself, away from your job, mate, children, & pets – alone to relax (just veg).
Take space for spiritual growth, self-care, humor, fun & creativity, AND make plans to be with close friends
fun• If you have a hard time saying ‘No’, look for opportunities to practice, without anger if possible, or with anger if that‘s the only way – at first. Eventually people will get used to this change in you. If they don’t, one of you will inevitably let go

• If you have trouble saying “Yes” for one-to-one social events, or anything involving groups, be willing to accept an invitation from time to time. You’ll be uncomfortable, but do the Inner Child book-ending for each situation & see what the realistic outcomes usually are.

NEXT:  Forming  Bs with OTHERS (#1)

List of HEALTHY Boundaries (Part 2)

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I KNOW WHO I AM & WHAT I NEED, & I can say it clearly

PREVIOUS: Health Bs, #1

SITE: Personal Responsibility

 

 

💟 PRACTICAL EXAMPLES of Healthy Boundaries
What B do NOT DO ( Part 1)

♥️ WHAT Boundaries DO – THEY:
• act as a warning sign when’re about to get into relationships or places that are unsuitable or dangerous – for us
• allow the Healthy Adult to be in charge – to protect us from our own emotional instability when the WIC feels vulnerable
• identify the specific consequences of boundary invasions
THEY:
• prevent anyone from inappropriately injecting themself into our life, or trying to get us to do anything we don’t want to
• protect our values, & the right to always be treated with dignity & respect
• provide pre-set guidelines for all areas of life. When we periodically regress into a symbiotic or self-effacing state (inevitable), we may need someone to help us re-establish Bs

1. EMOTIONAL (Es)  BOUNDARIES in Part 1

2. PHYSICAL (P) – With Healthy Bs we CAN:
• comfortably distance ourself from anyone who can’t / won’t respect our Bs
• have self-esteem about our P self, no matter how we look
• protect our P space from intrusion, invasion or abuse
• say NO to food, gifts, touch, sex .…  anything we don’t want
• safely give & receive P comfort
• stay in our body (be congruent) “My body & I are one”
• touch & be touched – with discrimination
• weigh the consequences before acting on a sexual impulse
KNOW –
• it’s OK to move towards or away from someone
• the most comfortable space between us & another
• what’s appropriate modesty & openness with ourself & others. Modesty is not = being a prude! It’s about self-respect.

3. MENTAL – With Healthy Bs we CAN:
re. OURSELF
• act assertively (not aggressive) by respectfully stating our opinions, emotions & needs
• empower ourself to make healthy choices & be responsible for our thoughts
• know it’s OK to have some privacy / secrecy without guilt, even with intimates
• know when a miscommunication or CD is ours & when it’s someone else’s
• know what we believe (values) & what we want
CAN :
• own our toxic family beliefs & work on replacing them
wisdom• say No / Yes honestly, & are secure when others say No to us
• take back our projections (see others for who they really are, not what we think or wish them to be – or who our parents were)
• think & speak for ourself (without always quoting someone else)
• trust our own decisions, defining our truth as you see it
• value our opinions, tastes & viewpoints, as much as those of others

With OTHERS  – With Healthy Bs WE can :
• avoid expectations – knowing that we might get turned down, but can still ask
• be in charge of deciding if a potential relationship will be good for us
• ask for practical information, when needed
relationship types• choose to go slow in a new relationship while checking for compatibility
• communicate needs & wants clearly in all relationships
WE :
✶ DO stand up for our beliefs, even when in the minority
• give personal info gradually, then check how others respond
✶ know that accuracy is more important that agreement in communications
• notice any time others boundary-invade us
• recognize that friends & partners are not mind readers
• respect others’ boundaries (EXP : ask if it’s ok before touching, or taking something)
• teach others to treat us with dignity & respect

EMOTIONAL & MENTAL RECOVERY Truths
✦ Aloneness is a bounty from which we can choose what we want
✦ Friends can only stand by to watch & encourage, while we make our own discoveries
✦ Giving is never losing, & giving freely is a semi-circle which completes itself in receiving
✦ Help doesn’t always appear in the way we expect or demand
smarts✦ More is possible than we think, if we truly believe
✦ No one can tell us who we are
✦ No one can live our pain or our joy – for us
✦ No matter who walks with us, no one can walk it for us
💗
✦ Our eyes can never see as clearly as our hearts
✦ Sharing is not legitimate unless we keep enough for ourselves
✦ Second-best may really be just second-arrived
✦ To want nothing is as selfish as to give nothing
✦ Wisdom comes from hearing & believing our True voice
✦ What we think we want may be inferior to what we receive
SO: ✦ We may often feel we’re walking alone, but we never are IF we know who we are

NEXT: Repairing Bs – with Self

List of HEALTHY Boundaries (Part 1)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , ,

 

I WANT to CONNECT, NOT be enmeshed

PREVIOUS: Healthy Bs – Info (Part 2)


WHAT Boundaries (Bs) can NOT DO
re. US
• having your own boundaries does not create Bs for others
• by themselves, Bs don’t fix the damage in our ‘spirit’. The WIC needs healing before we can easily enforce our personal space
• they’re not about Right & Wrong. They’re based on our own value system & perspective, so may be totally different from someone else’s, rather than bad.

• Bs are not a form of deprivation, nor to limit our joy. Instead – with Bs we attract people who respect & care about us. So, our relationships get better, & we enjoy our activities because they match our values
• B are not set in stone. As we Heal & Grow, our Bs also expand & improve. We have the right to evolve, deciding what does & doesn’t work for us.

re. OTHERS
• Bs are not mean, selfish or ‘unfair’ just because someone else doesn’t like them. That may be how they feel, but it’s not an accurate evaluation. We set Bs for separation or protection from people who will otherwise ignore or trample on our needs & feelings. Sticking to our Bs is a way to maintain our integrity

• Bs are not attempts to control or punish others (don’t confused them with ultimatums or demands). They’re not a way to force people to change or do what we want – since that’s not possible. We can sometimes ask others to make a change, but have no control over whether they will or not (MORE….)

• Bs can not control, change or stop narcissist, bullies & pathological liars from trying to manipulate or control us.  We decide what we will or won’t put up with, but since abusers don’t listen, usually we just have to get away from them

• Bs should not be used to encourage unhealthy responses & behavior in others that are counter to our morals & beliefs.
EXP : Saying it’s OK with us IF someone acts self-destructively – ‘just not around us’.
We do need to distance ourself from someone who insists on staying Victim or Perpetrator, but we can point out kindly what we observe, for their benefit – as well as clearly state our own concerns & values.
EXP : “It hurts me to see you how you keep letting them belittle you….”

DEVELOPING EMOTIONAL (Es) Boundaries 
Healthy E-Bs lets us clearly know:
• Es just ARE, not good or bad, but range from most painful to most joyful
• as adults, our Es don’t depend on others’ actions
• our Es do not cause others’ actions or their Es
• pleasant & painful Es come from our own behavior
AND with Bs —
• we can have access to a wide range of Es
• we do not blame PPT for events, taking responsibility for our feelings
• we now accept Es that we were taught to disapprove of (jealousy, greed, shame, indifference, rage….) & have compassion for ourself when they come up – without having to act on them
• we have control over which Es we express to others (who & where)

a. For OURSELF — Healthy Bs mean WE:
• acknowledge our Shadow self, without judgment or S-H
• are able to ask for help when needed
• are committed to & responsible for nurturing our full potential
• are responsible for our own happiness & fulfillment
• become our own Good Parent, for self-care
• don’t compromise values or integrity to avoid possible rejection
WE :
• have a strong sense of identity – know ourself well, have good self-esteem & self-respect – without arrogance
• know our own wants, needs & emotions (T.E.As)
• know our limits – not giving too much just so someone will like us
• know when a problem is ours & when it is NOT
• talk to ourself with gentleness, respect & humor
• value our opinions & feelings as much as those of others (often more)

b. About OTHERS — Healthy Bs mean WE:
• allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment
• allow others to define their own Bs & limits
• are ok with others having intense emotions, without having to fix them
me vs you• communicate our Bs clearly in all relationships
• develop appropriate trust, based on current reality (what we know about them)
• don’t tolerate emotional abuse or disrespect from anyone
WE :
• have an equal partnership & expect reciprocity in close relationships, sharing responsibility & power
• have respect for others – not taking advantage of someone’s kindness or generosity, AND not letting others take advantage of ours
• move carefully, thoughtfully, step-by-step into emotional intimacy
• share sensitive information gradually, & only in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship

NEXT: Mental & Physical Bs #2