al-anon

ACoAs – Deserving vs Rights (Part 3)

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family junkI CAN CLAIM MY RIGHTS
no matter what they told me!

PREVIOUS: Deserving vs Rights (# 2)

REVIEW post: “Not Enough Love?”


See ACRONYM pg. for abbrev.

1. NOT Deserving

2. ACoA DAMAGE (cont.)

a. ACoAs – Some things cannot be earned, so we should never try – love, respect, options, freedom from abuse …. However, our damage comes in 2 flavors:
i. Under-‘deserving’:
Regardless of the source, hanging on to any tinge of ‘not allowed’ represents our allegiance to the bad voice – the toxic aspect of our parents & society. The WIC part of us would rather stay ‘small’, be invisible, ignore its talents & deny or limit its opportunities – rather than disobey the family rules – for fear of punishment, abandonment & psychological death!

Warning : The idea of ‘earning’ also relates to the phrase many healers want us to repeat “I forgive myself for….” This is counter-productive for ACoAs. Even if it’s meant to help us let go of self-blame, it does the opposite : reinforcing our belief that we caused our damage (earned & therefore deserve it) – by not being perfect-ly lovable!
'entitled'ii. Over-‘deserving’ : The narcissistic unquestioned assumption that someone is entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want it. Having been raised incorrectly, they end up selfish & arrogant – a seemingly opposite extreme of not deserving.
IRONICALLY – these people’s real focus is on trying to make up for the same deep-seated sense of not being accepted by family for their True Self

b. REALITY : There are things in life we DO need to earn – an education, our career, our income, Recovery, physical well-being, healthy respect, honors ….
Earning means we have to work at reaching certain goals, using our intelligence, persevering & asking for appropriate support

AND as adults we DO need to take responsibility for unhealthy actions which come from our damage – which is not the same as needing to forgive ourself. We are responsible for cleaning out & correcting the distortions we grew up with from the negative training we did not cause!
💕                         💕                     💕
3. HAVING RIGHTS
A “Right” is a moral principle which defines & sanctions the adult person’s freedom of action in a social context, & can be exercised without anyone’s permission.  A Right is a natural or God-given permit received at birth, to act in one’s own self-interest, with control over one’s own life & property as long as others are not injured.

This healthy version of Having Rights is one of many concepts antithetical to the ‘twin towers’ of alcoholism & narcissism. In terms of the dis-ease, Deserving & Having Rights are polar opposites.
People in Recovery often say that we “deserve to be……(loved), deserve to have…..(help) ”.  This can be misleading since it assumes that we did something to merit X or Y. Therefore if we fail to act a certain way we assume we don’t deserve those benefits. But again – some things can not be earned.

• As we mature & heal we eventually come to understand that just being born gives us certain rights, as human being with a soul & a connection to the Universal Spirit  – God – a far greater power than any one of us & beyond our understanding.
As stated in 12 Step Meetings: “God does not make trash!”
SO – if we are all one & part of the Universal Energy, then we do NOT have to earn / pay for / suffer for the qualities & benefits that are our human rights.

EXP: A Program boyfriend told Keisha: “My loving you is none of your business”. He meant that she had not caused him to love her, SO she couldn’t make him not love her. So she could stop obsessing about how she was going to ‘ruin it’ because she wasn’t good enough, or because of what she said or did.  If she had learned that  — every human always has the right to be loved — Keisha would never have worried at all ! It only depends on who we are with.

REMINDER: NO one has the power to make another person love us, including our parents. They either already had the ability – before we were born – or they didn’t! If not – it won’t suddenly appear if we’re just good enough.

NEXT: Deserve vs rights #4

ACoAs: Deserving vs Rights (Part 2)

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ambivalence I’M ALLOWED, I’M NOT ALLOWED – if only I could be sure!

PREVIOUS: Deserving Vs. Rights (#1)
POST : “Not Enough Love?”


1. NOT Deserving
2. ACoA DAMAGE (cont.)
In many unhealthy families, kids got the message that we had to earn our parent’s love & approval – yet we never succeeded, because nothing we did was ever good enough for them. The ‘approval’ was conditional, AND was only tentatively given if the child completely submerged their own identity to conform to the alcoholic, narcissistic agenda of the family.

But no matter how hard we tired to please, we could never fully get what is every child’s birthright – just for being here!  This left us in a double bind & ultimately hopeless. This has kept us from developing genuine self-esteem, which can only come from being loved Unconditionally!

The resulting sense of unworthiness is so deeply ingrained in ACoAs that it prevents many of us from even imagining possibilities, much less allowing ourself to actively pursue normal goals, expressing our natural talents or following our dreams!

SHAME is the emotion (E) associated with any need we were NOT allowed to have, was made fun of, restricted or punished, & so became ashamed of having.
✳️ NEEDS are absolutely fundamental & normal human requirements – not arbitrary childish demands.
✅ WANTS are the ways we try to get those needs met.
SEE list of rights at Break the Cycle! & post “My Rights – Qs”  obey

ACoAs : As adults we – wrongly – believe we only can have things (sort of) if we follow the Toxic Rules.
 BUT obeying them leaves us convinced that TO:
• be loved – we have to eliminate our natural tendencies, please everyone else, not have needs, shut off many of our emotions, never object to other people abuse or selfishness…..
• get affection, attention / sex … we have to give in to whoever wants us – even when we can’t stand them, don’t want to do what someone else wants, lets others invade our boundaries, never object to abuse …..
• be respected &/or admired – we have to be perfect, out-achieve everyone else, have all the answers, ‘religiously’ follow our training …..

AND some ACoAs who are also not allowed to have their needs – become rebellious & try to grab everything they can. They’ll try anything to fill the ‘hole in our soul’ by vacuuming up as much as possible (attention, info, objects, power, variety…. ) = sexually promiscuous / over-eat / over-spend / over-learn / out-earn….
IRONICALLY – When ACoAs inherit money, we quickly squander it all because:
• we deeply believe we don’t deserve it (S-H), since we didn’t earn it (the PP voice)
• we’re emotionally & mentally immature – being run by the WIC
• have been so poor & deprived that we’re trying to make up for all our suffering
• feel guilty for having more than others, & our co-dependence tells us to give it away instead of valuing the gift & using it wisely

REALITY – being human is to be IMPERFECT.
Even so it means TO:
• be healthy, clear thinking, emotionally sane, sober
Jagel_Action-Reaction• have fun, relaxation, vacations, ‘veg time’
• object to all forms of mistreatment
• maintain our boundaries, & say ‘no!’….
• make mistakes, not know or be good at everything
• not have to rescue or people-please
• not like everything & even hate some things
• take care of our needs, be self-motivating

CONTRAST : Healthy parents teach & encourage these things & don’t demand / expect their children to earn them.
We did not receive that kind of nurturing, & only grudgingly given ‘love’ conditionally, if at all. Instead our family stated or implied  :
“Do what we want, be what we want – then we’ll let you live…..OR ELSE” (ARTICLE….)

 Healthy parents show LOVE when they:
– provide physical basics (food, shelter, clothes….)
– sometimes make sacrifices of their own needs, without guilting their children for it!
– make changes & adapt as needed because of the children & circumstances
– are willing to listen patiently, interested in kids’ lives
– teach them life skills & be good examples
– support child’s healthy interests & dreams, & be their biggest cheerleader, positive but realistic, always having the child’s best interest at heart.

NEXT: Deserving vs. Rights (Part 3)

ACoAs: Deserving vs. Rights (Part 1)

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Screen Shot 2015-07-10 at 5.43.38 AM

PREVIOUS: My Rights Qs, 25-48

Posts: “Self-Hate & ACoAs”
•“People should treat me better, but….”

SITE: Restructuring life in recovery

 

DEF. of ‘Deserving’
⚙︎ Receiving something – good or bad – which you’ve earned, based on your actions.  It always carries a sense of balance or justice.
🌹This is why we can not deserve love, because we can not earn it. It is either given freely or not.

REPEAT : “I cannot earn love!” – a hard concept for ACoAs to believe, based on our childhood – since ‘being loved / accepted / approved of’ was conditional. BAD PARENT : “Do what I want, or else.”

1. The PROBLEM of NOT deserving
a. Family
In dysfunctional families ‘deserving’ ONLY refers to earning their acceptance. The adults who raised us did not feel worthy which was rigidly held in place by their low self-esteem (S-H), depression & deprivation mentality — so could not model deserving for us
b. Spiritual
Many religions teach us to feel ashamed, guilty & unworthy. Rigid non-Biblical teachings instill guilt, & control by fear. Anyone from a fundamentalist faith was taught that because we were born in sin “we are not worthy” of God’s love, period.  We are bad, bad, bad! This dogma is used to control & discipline children, & keep the ‘faithful’ in line.

✶ What’s left out of these teaching is the KEY to the message: God has given the world many gifts, first & foremost salvation from eternal separation from Him in the afterlife, in spite of our imperfections  ( John 3:16 & commentary)

NOTE : AA Steps 2 & 3  ” Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. ” “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him”

The definition of ‘grace’ is unmerited favor – being given what we don’t deserve & cannot earn! (“A Bridge to Life“ & Bible verses)
We did not & cannot EARN grace or any of life’s benefits & beauty – they’re simply here for us to enjoy & partake of! Enjoy the lyrics to “Amazing Grace”,  a hymn universally beloved even by the non-religious.

🙆‍♀️ Too many people no longer consciously agree with the concept of original sin, BUT whatever our personal belief is now – as long as we live in deprivation – we’re agreeing with the introjected bad voice that keeps us trapped in a culture that has perverted the accurate meaning of spiritual teaching.

🙎🏽‍♀️ Some of us were not raised in any specific faith, so our sense of unworthiness would have more directly developed from unhappy & cruel interactions with parents & community.

2. ACoA DAMAGE
IMP: Parents are either capable or not capable of providing acceptance, love, compassion & validation – which has nothing to do with the personality, behavior, or gender of the child.
AGAIN: Love cannot be earned – it’s either given freely or not. And our family either did not at all – or only conditionally! We were taught by family & religion to feel UNdeserving of all kinds of good things.
Instead, we still believe that :
• asking for what we want & need is ‘selfish, sinful, arrogant, childish’…..
• other people (sometimes siblings) are definitely allowed to have good things – but not us, especially if we were scapegoated in our family
• we don’t even deserve to be alive, which we concluded —
— indirectly by being constantly ignored, put down & criticized, or
— directly from the messages about how they felt:  “You’ll be the death of me yet , Why did I have to have a kid like you , I never wanted kids anyway , You’re killing your mother/ father, You ruined my life”….

• ALSO – we’re afraid to improve ourself & our circumstances – beyond what our parents are or have accomplished, as if it would somehow diminish them (show them up).
» That would be breaking our symbiotic bond with them & no longer taking responsibility for their life-choices.
✒︎ Actually, healthy parents (& many immigrants) want the opposite – for their kids to do better than themselves & be the very best they’re capable of!

ACoAs DON’T DESERVE
 the BASICS – TO: CONTROL-ABOUT ME
• be ourself, have clear & strong opinions
• be talented, funny, creative, imaginative, intuitive
• be competent, functional, clever
• be appropriately visible, take our own center stage
• feel safe, respected as a person & for our ideas
• have all of our emotions, without judgement
• have & maintain our boundaries, & say ‘no!’ if needed
• shine, get attention, admiration, recognition, complements

NEXT: ‘Deserving’ vs. Having Rights (Part 2)

MY RIGHTS – Questionnaire (25-48)

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I’M CELEBRATING MY RIGHTS!
I feel so much better

PREVIOUS: My RIGHTS Qs – (1-24)

 

DO some inventory writing using these forms in Part  1 & 2

HAVING RIGHTS
When we thoroughly accept that we have ‘inalienable right’, we can work on listing & fulfilling our needs – not perfectly or easily – but as much as reasonably possible.
SELF-CARE allows us to:
1. eliminate deprivation.  ACoAs either harmfully over-indulge or live in self-denial starvation in all PMES ways. Knowing we have value makes is easier to find appropriate, balanced nourishment in every area of life
2. feel good about ourself / be empowered / enjoy our life – all natural results & rewards for being in charge of our needs

3. have boundaries. Once we know what we need or don’t need, want or don’t want – we can tell other people what is or isn’t acceptable, in case they can or want to be available or helpful
It’s not their job to guess or mind-read what our boundaries are. It’s up to us to let people know, so they can be respectful of them
TO
4. prevent abuse.  We won’t accept or tolerate any form of mistreatment, being clear about our rights, especially the right to be safe
5. not be manipulated.  When we know what’s legitimate, normal & healthy, we can tell when someone is trying to control us, & not fall for it
6. minimize anger & resentment.  The more we take care of ourself, the less we co-dependently expect others to provide what’s not reasonable, which minimizes our “disappointment quotient”.
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NEXT : Deserving vs. Rights, #1

 

MY RIGHTS – Questionnaire (1-24)

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self-esteem RIGHTS?  RIGHTS?
Who me?  Really?

PREVIOUS: Healthy RULES – #3

SITE: (UN) What are Human Rights?

 

 

HUMAN RIGHTS
•  No matter how long ACoAs are in Recovery, it’s always good to be reminded what we have a right to be and have, as human beings – since we were originally brainwashed by family to not even know what our needs are, much less have a right to fulfill them.

We must provide for our needs as much as possible, both from ourself and with the help of appropriate others, as a prerequisite to:
• having boundaries                            • being empowered
• eliminating deprivation                  • not being manipulated
• preventing abuse                              • feeling good about ourselves
• minimizing anger & resentment   • enjoying our life

ACTIVITY
• Fill out these 2 questionnaires, the best you can (Part 2 next post).
If you get stuck, ask someone who knows you well, AND who is kind as well as honest, which of these right they think you express in your daily life. See what you think – but it’s OK to disagree or not be sure
• Go through the statements again once a year (maybe on your B/day or at the New Year), to clock your Recovery progress

• Take the “nos” as goal to work toward, but NOT as things to beat yourself up about! Remember “We are damaged not defective.”
• Pick a different one each week or month to focus on.

You can start with the “SOME” column, since that may be easier.  At the end of each week / month, evaluate if & how you applied it, or at least increased your awareness about the Right you were focusing on
• Eventually many of these rights will become second nature & you will feel safer & stronger.
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NEXT : Rights Qs, #2

SAFE vs UNSAFE PEOPLE

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sharing slaceI WANT TO BE COMFORTABLE
so I have to pay attention to who people are!

PREVIOUS:Healthy RULES & Lesson,- #3

 

HELPFUL INFO

❀ This outline is not earth shattering or even news, but it’s nice to have it all in one place. You may want to add to the list, based on your personal experiences – or maybe some variations.

• It comes from the book “SAFE PEOPLE” by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. The orientation of the book is Christian & has references to Biblical truths, which apply to all spiritual persuasions, so please don’t let it keep you from benefiting from the available info in it. “Take what you like & leave the rest”!

• The book also has excellent chapters on many of the same topics covered in this blog, under such heading as: “How we lost our safety”, “Do I have a Safety Deficit?”, “Learning how to be safe” ……

• ACoAs are so used to being around unhealthy people that we may not realize how we’re being damaged by them.
Even when we think something might be wrong – in how someone’s treating us – we don’t trust our gut or our head, so we get confused & think we’re crazy or over-reacting to what are actually toxic environments & relationships.

Once we have the right info, we can make informed choices, by either moving away, or setting boundaries with the unhealthy people we love!
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NEXT :  My RIGHTS –  Qs, #1

ACoAs: Healthy RULES & Lessons (Part 3)

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  new life“AND NOW, PRESENTING…. –
a new life, a better life !!”

PREVIOUS: Heathy Rules, #2

SITE: Healthy Family Rules

 

 

MORE GOOD Rules
As mentioned in the last post, these statements are to help the Healthy Adult & Loving Parent parts of our psyche to learn better ways to take care of our Inner Children. Each statement can be used as an inventory:
a. Resistance:
• why do I NOT want to include them in my life?
• what do I think will happen if I follow these ideas?
• what do I need to give up in order to incorporate them?
b. Willingness:many Qs
• what do I need to have / do, before I can use these positive rules ?
• how can I implement these concepts into my life?
• who can I ask for help with them?
• who do I know who already lives them?
c. Results:
• what happens when I do act on these statements?
• how is it different from what I assumed or projected?
• what do I need to do, to increase these principle in my life?
OF COURSE – If you can add questions to this list – please do.
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NEXT: Safe & Unsafe People

ACoAs: Healthy RULES (Part 2)

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Snever give up
YEAH. I WANT TO FEEL SAFE! — Will you take care of me, Good Parent?

PREVIOUS: HEALTHY RIGHTS (#1)

SITE: How To Never Give Up On… (CHART)

 

HEALTHY RULES
Part 2 & 3 list statement that have been accumulated from years of Recovery experience. They’re geared to the Healthy Adult / Loving Parent parts of our higher self – so we can know how to take care of our wounded and healthy Inner Children, in the best possible ways.

❀ YES, we have a broken heart!  What’s more painful to a child than not feeling loved by their parents?   BUT NOW – to be happy, we need to:
• accept who our family really was & is
• believe in every fiber that we did not cause our abuse & neglect
• accept that now we’re individually responsible for our life
• know that we have the ability to outgrow much of the damage, but not all completely
• consistently apply mental health truths to our life

❀ We all live by rules, whether we like to admit it or not.
• Some ACoAs were so neglected they think they weren’t taught any rules.  No, not good ones, but we did pick up all the Toxic Rules!
• Others of us were so constricted by rules & regulations, we nearly choked to death on them.
In either case we tend to shy away from rules, or have a raging hatred for them. And yet we are run by the bad ones, as long as they stay hidden and we don’t challenge them.

❀ So here are a few Healthy Rules to try out & apply to our every-day living.
Think about each one, carefully.
Pick one & try it out for a month. See what happens. Then try another….
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NEXT : Healthy Rules & Lessons, #3

ACoAs: Healthy RULES / RIGHTS (Part 1)

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JUST THINK, I COULD’A HAD A ….
no, not a V-8! …a lot of Love!

PREVIOUS: Toxic Family  Rules

 


Q: What is the one & only source of self-esteem?
A:  Unconditional LOVE (acceptance, regard, respect, mirroring…)

EARLY: Heard a million times or not, it’s not trivial or a platitude
• The child’s brain develops its pathways using repeated experiences. If those experiences are disparaging, punitive, painful, limiting – then that becomes the norm for us when an adult
• Children look to their parents to tell them who they are and how they should act (guidance & mirroring). If the messages are negative, then the child’s self-image will be negative

Healthy Parental Love… (acoa website SiteMap, pgs 4, 18, 33, 62)
… does not mean giving the child everything it wants. Boundaries are imperative!
… doesn’t mean sacrificing everything for the child.  Kids need to see parents having a well-functioning life of their own which they can emulate
…. is provided by a ‘good enough’ parent, not a perfect one. Kids need to know they too don’t have to be perfect. Unconditional love is unconditional, not idealistic

NOW: Since ACoAs can’t change how we were raised –
• It’s not easy to change the old messages because we have to form new brain pathways, & the old ones are very deeply etched. That’s why repetition is so important
• We need to find all the possible ways to develop self-esteem
BOOK: “Compassion & Self-Hate” ∼   Dr.T.Rubin

• The most successful way for us to change is to learn how to communicate with & comfort the WIC, becoming the Loving Parent & Healthy Adult most of us never had (the “UNIT“)
BOOK: “Recovery of Your Inner Child” ∼ Lucia Capacchione

•  2-way conversations with the IC needs to be daily! It doesn’t have to be complicated or clever. Do you only talk to people you live with (have lived with) once every few months?
• At first you may find yourself very resistant, making excuses, think you can’t…. Yes – it’s a new language, & like learning any new language, it takes time, practice & more practice.  Don’t let the Negative Introject stop you from creating a better life

EFFECTIVE:
• The statements listed are sometimes called affirmations or mantra. ACoAs who are comfortable with the familiar ones – can use them if they resonate, since they ARE true. Whatever works to heal is valuablecomfort the kid
• However, many of us have heard platitudes from family, relative, school, religious communities, school… which didn’t mean much then because they weren’t backed up by ‘right-action’. They were substitutes for genuine communication & genuine emotional connections

• That’s why some ACoAs are frustrated with pre-packaged affirmations, since they don’t address our specific experiences & personality. We were SO unseen & unheard that now we have a desperate need for all communication to be accurate – down to the smallest word! – called “exquisite empathy”
We may prefer to create our own sayings, in exact response to the negative voice & which represent genuine caring for the WIC

• Keep in mind our IC is very smart, & won’t tolerate b.s. Don’t say: “I’ll always take care of you… be there for you… every thing’s going to be alright…” and then forget to talk to the kid for the next weeks or months, let the Bad Parent take over, not take proper care of yourself, let others walk all over you or keep on people-pleasing…. !
You must become trustworthy for the IC to listen & believe you!

EXERCISE:  Write out one of your Toxic Beliefs
• Then create as many counter statements as fit.
Put it aside, sleep on it, & go back the next day (or when you can), & see if you agree with your ideas, or have come up with others.
• If you’re completely stuck, ask someone safe for options. Sometimes watching how good parents on TV talk to their kids – can be good models.
BUT – try it out on yourself first.

EXP: Neg from WIC  – “ I can’t do anything right!”
Pos from Good Parent – “You / we can do some things very well, somethings so-so & some not at all.  If you want to know how to do X we can try to learn it. OK, Little One?”
Ask yourself & the IC:  “What would you have liked to hear back then – & now?”
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NEXT:  Healthy Rules (Part 2)

ACoA : TOXIC Family RULES

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Screen Shot 2015-07-09 at 12.10.53 PMTHEY DESIGNED MY STRAIGHT JACKET –
I’m gonna need some help getting it off!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Helping (Part 2)

SITE: Dysfunctional Family (Wikipedia)

 

RULES: No matter what our family environment looked like, all ACoAs have gathered a litany of TOXIC RULES, which we follow ‘religiously’, even well into Recovery – but hopefully less so with growth!

We absorbed these Toxic Rules from family, school, our community, religion…. They are the underlying beliefs the WIC is absolutely convinced are the absolute ‘truth’ which we are obligated to obey – on pain of death (abandonment)- even if we disagree or hate them. Notice the contradiction & conflict. No wonder we say we’re confused!

The BE and DON’T lists are the short forms, & just mirror opposites. Below are the expanded ones.  This is by no means complete. Each of us can have variations or additions.

INVENTORY: How do we know what our rules are?
a. Overview
As you read thru these lists – notice the ones that hit you the strongest. If you’re new-ish to recovery you may not recognize that you have more of them than you first think. Still confused?
✶ Ask yourself, & then siblings, mate, friends, therapist … for suggestions

✶ Do a Life Inventory, in 3-5 yr increments, listing all the major events you can remember – things that were important, relationships, when you started & stopped things, schools, moves, births, deaths …. choices made, opportunities we didn’t take…..
12065669231219144528Anonymous_work_in_progress.svg.med— Don’t go into detail. Just list things in one sentence each
— Notice the recurring themes, patterns, avoidances… What good things are missing?
— Ask : which toxic rules might your patterns represent?

b. Details
• Pick any one of the phrases that rings a bell & write what comes up.
— Where did you learn this? Who in your family exemplified it?
— How do you act it out in your life?
— How do your friends, lovers, bosses… express it?

• Take it very slow. Spread this exercise out over months & years, if needed. Maybe just write a little & go back to it when you have more info about yourself & your history
GOAL:
• See the toxic family rules you’ve been following – so clearly – that you won’t be fooled any longer into thinking they’re legitimate!
• Slowly disobey them by changing your behavior, an action at a time, a day at a time.

In the beginning – when you do some inventorying – you’re likely to feel fear & guilt. Those emotions prove you’re doing the right thing for your healing. Don’t give up!
• To orient yourself toward healthier goals –  pick out some Healthy Rules that fit your situation, & mindfully, deliberately, use one or more as often as you can (every day, a little?)

✶✶ Breaking family rules can create a lot of anxiety, as the Negative Introject will try to guilt you into returning to the fold – like good sheep.
So the work must be a slow & gentle but with steady process – with lots of support (Al-Anon as one of many resources)

If you read many other posts on this blog, you’ll see references to “Toxic Rules” over & over, so this post will give you a context for thinking about all the other topics & as you work with them. (Post: “Why Are You Stuck?“) .

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NEXT : Healthy Rules, #1