PREVIOUS: E.S. Basics – #3

SITE: “Childhood Abandonment Issues“

◉ CONTAMINATION
Even if we spend a lot of time in Adult mode, it’s not unusual to fall into Bad Parent or Wounded Child E.S. when faced with enough stress. This can be from a pile up of real-life events, or by bumping up against an unhealed wound. Then the 3 states no longer work together, regressed to an earlier time in our life, with the specific experience, beliefs & training at that experience / trauma

a. We may just hear whispers in thoughts & feelings (anxiety). OR
b. move fully into one of those 2 states absorbed from our past,
✎ outwardly AS:
• damaged Parent – abusive, controlling, know-it-all, or over-indulgent, symbiotic rescuer….
✎ alternating with:
• damaged Child – sullen rebeller, raging scapegoat, needy victim, incapable isolator….

These create energy blockages masking our True Self & preventing us from being ‘in the flow’- founded on negative beliefs about Self & others, used to justify unhealthy decisions & actions

We absorbed repeated comments from family / society…. about something as if it were a fact or reality, when it was only their experience or belief – not ours – BUT we took it in & then made it our own ‘truth’

Symptoms of this blockage depend on which E.S. is dominating at the time :
#1🩸When the PigParent bleeds into the Adult we mistake Parental beliefs & messages as Adult reality.
We may think & act out of ‘superiority’ hatred, such as narrow-mindedness, racism or religious judgement.

EXP: “If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself”/  mother: “all men are bums / father: those ‘people’ are taking all our jobs”….

#2🩸When the Wounded Child bleeds into the Adult, we mistake the Child’s beliefs for Adult reality. Things in everyday life can trigger old trauma, so the WIC becomes frightened at or angry about things that may or may not be dangerous or unpleasant in themself. (Fantasy or Illusion – not necessarily pathological)
EXP: “Nobody likes me / I can’t do anything right /  / Nothing ever works out for me / If I’m perfect, famous / rich… then everyone will love me” ….

#3 🛠 When both PigP & WIC bleed into the A. at the same time, we combine Parental & Child messages, as iff they’re doth Adult reality (even when they’re contradictory) EXP : WE —
• can have a sharp negative belief which terrifies us : “Anyone different from me is bad & so I’m always in danger” OR
• can have a sense of superiority, feeling entitled : “I’m better than “them, so I can do whatever I want”

☞ Interesting : In #3, the Adult is Ego-syntonic – not in conflict within itself, whether its ‘position’ is accurate / healthy – or not.
It happens when we believe that what we feel  & think is completely true & unchangeable (“I’m always right, my way is the only correct one // God is demanding, I have to be perfect)….

EXP : Our inner (P) voice ways “Children should be seen & not heard”, so our (C) agrees: “I’ll be safe if I’m quiet” The adult ego state does not check the combination for accuracy nor include experiences that disproves the statements.
Most others in our peer group will agree with us, so only someone outside the circle will catch logic flaws (CDs) – if there are any.
🔎   🔍      🔎   🔍

✺ Communication CHANNELS
When 2 people or groups interact, each come from one of their E.S., & this can shift during the exchange – possibly several times.

a. Crossed transactions occur when Person 1 says something from one ego state, expecting Person 2 to respond from the same  E.S., BUT instead, receives a response from a different one. This naturally results in breaking connection, but is a useful way to ‘force’ a shift in communication, as a diversionary tactic

b. Ulterior ones consist of hidden messages used to manipulate, chosen by the Inner Child, originally as a survival tactic. It occurs when the Sender offers a social message on top & a psychological message underneath. The Receiver senses the dual message & usually feel uncomfortable or confused.
Resulting actions taken by the Receiver are determined by the psychological (ulterior) level of the transaction, because the secret agenda carries the most weight (More…)

c. Complementary transactions are ‘clean’, & can continue indefinitely. We tend to regularly prefer 1 of these options, but can shift into the others, depending on who we’re dealing with.
🔆GOOD exchanges between 2 people or groups =
❥ Adult #1 to Adult #2 : problem-solving
❥ Nurturing Parent to Natural Child : care-taking
❥ Natural Child to Natural Child : having fun, being creative
❥ Controlling Parent to Adapted Child : giving guidance & instructions

🔸ADEQUATE communication
✦ Nurturing Parent #1 to Nurturing Parent #2 : will discuss how to care for others
✦ Controlling Parent to Controlling Parent : will agree what rules to apply to others
✦ Adapted Child to Adapted Child : will be compliant or rebellious together   (MORE….)

NEXT: E.S. Basics – #5

PREVIOUS : Ego States – Basics #2

◘ EXCLUDED Ego States(ES)

Our Adult voice provides the ability to form a Narrative Identity, which is the internal & progressive story of the Self we develop to make sense out of our life.
Trauma interferes with this integrative capacity, causing ES to become excluded, disorganizing the Self. The child’s experience of abusive caregivers is absorbed in a series of toxic Parent / Child ego states.

a. Missing Inner PARENT: When Child bleeds into A. & P. is unavailable, the person has a weak conscience, missing ready-made rules about how the world works. They do whatever they want with little or no regard for others, making up their own rules in every situation.
They’re good at using intuition to sense what’s going on around them, while acting irresponsibly, without conscience. They’re prone to self-destructive behavior in the pursuit of self-gratification.
EXP : “Con Merchants”, politicians, mafia bosses…

b. Missing Inner CHILD: When Parent contaminates Adult & C. is unavailable, the person has shut out memories of childhood, most likely having been victims of early severe trauma. They don’t see things from different points of view or let themself get close to anyone, rarely expressing emotions, being unaware most of the time of how they feel.
They can’t ‘let go’ to be spontaneous or have fun, are rigid & controlling with little sense of humor, taking themself & everything else too seriously, must always be ‘right’, be a know-it-all….

c. Missing Inner ADULT: When A. is unavailable completely, there’s no ‘reality’ guide. It’s the most disabling of the 4 types of exclusion, so the person will be confused, disoriented, switching between Parent & Child ego states. At it’s extreme they may be narcissistic &/or paranoid, acting in bizarre ways, obsessed with the past or focused the future. Possibly diagnosed as bi-polar or psychotic.

🔴 ACoAs – in it’s ‘milder’ form this version is less psychologically severe (NON-psychopathic) because the ‘absent’ Adult ES seems to be ‘on’ while almost totally unavailable to the person for themself.

HINT – a limited version of the AES is compulsively employed on behalf of others as Caretaker / Rescuer, in their work & career life, driven by the FALSE self. These ACoAs can be competent, even obsessive – as long as their intelligence & skills are used to benefit someone or something else. The price is being racked with anxiety, terrified they’ll be found out to be ‘frauds’, no matter how well they do their job!

AND, when ACoAs are able to successfully ‘take care of business’ – often in a crisis at work or in their family – it’s usually short-term, & then they collapse back into the terrified Child ES. This is very likely because the activity, no matter how valid – is coming from the person’s teen-age self, not an actual adult.

ALSO, even with eduction, skills & accomplishments, we know that rescue-helping / caretaking can not be generated by a healthy, fully-functioning AES because it’s riddled with cognitive distortions (CDs) which make many of our choices ineffective or self-harming.

SO, since the Adult ES functions ‘nakedly’ (not flowing from the True Self), the PigP & WIC are still very active. They’re just relegated to the person’s subconscious (Jung’s “Shadow”), operating strongly in the form of cruel self-talk, anxiety & second-guessing.

d. Missing BOTH Parent & Child, so only ADULT is available
⬅️ This is a classic state typical of ACoA Doers, where the person has thoroughly silenced the Critical Parent voice and the needy Wounded Child (-AC) early in life – to cope with continual overwhelming trauma.

They’re addicted to “living in their head”, assuming they’re being rational, trying to explain everything with logic – but their reality is full of holes because of CDs. They substitute Do-ing for BE-ing, keeping frantically busy to ignore the PigP & not have to feel accumulated painful emotions.

NEXT : ES- Basics #4

 PREVIOUS: E.S. BASICS #1

NOTE: For detailed info on other states, read posts: Parent E.S. // Child E.S.

Several EGO STATE (E.S.) MODES
The Ego State model provides a way to look at our internal world in the context of our personal history. *T.A. = Transactional Analysis

➡️ This CHART combines 3 models  :
☆ T.A. – Eric Berne’s PAC structures
☆ Functional Fluency 
☆ & ‘OK Corral’  (see below)

Just as with traffic lights, red means stop & green means go – so here all red modes are unhealthy ways of functioning. These are the result of trauma, causing negative energy blockages from those outdated experiences, & which now invite negative reactions to us from others (one of the other red styles).

The Integrating Adult is healthy (center), as are the green modes of the Loving Parent & Natural Inner Child, inviting positive responses from others.

☆ Functional Fluency (FF) – describes & explains key aspects of human social functioning – specifically about our social “response-ability”, the art & skill of inter-personal effectiveness. Derived from Eric Berne’s T.A. & based on extensive research, it has the advantage of being extremely practical & down-to-earth.

This CHART ⬇️ shows a range of basic social behaviors, a framework for understanding & building positive relationships. It’s a tool for developing emotional literacy, which is the sensitivity & skill needed for both self-awareness & knowing how to deal with others.

FF can be used by our Adult E.S. to improve self-awareness, understanding, empathy & social competence, especially in business, in order to:
• sort out misunderstandings
• use authority to everyone’s benefit
• manage a team so that members thrive
• care for others without becoming worn out

Learning how to expand & enrich the use of the 5 POS modes,  (+ control, + Care, + Socialized S, + Natural S. & Central A.) makes it possible to modify or change the 4 NEG modes, allowing us to develop greater Emotional Intelligence, such as self-motivation & social competence.
Research paper ‘Update on the Functional Fluency Model in Education’, includes: “….ways it links up with – & is different from – other E.S. models”

This CHART ➡️ is more detailed, combining T.A. & FF Models, showing how it can be used to identify behavior in any ego state. The term “accounting” is of crucial importance – ie. showing up, & being in charge, as Pos or Neg. (Adult E.S. – #1).

Depending on which E.S is activated, people may be in ‘Accounting’ by:
• using the full here-&-now skills of the Adult E.S.
• expressing abilities & tendencies of one of the Parent figures, or
• the immaturity of one of the Child E.S.

Identifying someone’s Accounting state (Reality assessment) can give us a sensitive & accurate understanding of where they’re coming from, since it’s easier to recognize what people are doing than what they are not doing – ie. what’s missing.

It’s also a way to understand T.A’s 4 levels of discounting – which is the denial OF a problem, it’s importance, the possibility of change & personal abilities needed for changes.

☆ The OK CORRAL, (Franklin Ernst, 1971)
Eric Berne (T.A.) believed that we are all born ‘OK’ – good & worthy. Frank Ernst developed this idea into the OK matrix, also known as ‘life positions’. (See explanations for each quad)
 OUR goal is to grow into the GREEN quad!
This format is a helpful shortcut for ACoAs to observe & identify what attitude we & others have at any given time – so we know who or what we’re dealing with

Life Positions are used to justify decisions & behavior, which Berne referred to as ‘existential‘ (includes self-awareness), our default state when under stress.
They can change as we develop & grow, but the one we started out with is a theme that runs through our life – the beliefs & decisions we make about ourselves / others from childhood experiences

Based on the OK Corral, this CHART ▶️ shows the 4 positions expanded into 8 – which includes how we experience others based on our self-view. It adds existential & behavioral life defaults which can be used to explore & understand cooperation or conflict.

These positive & negative ways to see ourselves & others are not to be confused with actual ability, capacity or habitual activities. (MORE….)

NEXT: Basics E.S. (Part 3)