Author: dmtorbi

Anger – CATEGORIES : Powerless, Rebel, Retaliatory (#12)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

small red a.b.

I’LL GET YOU – if it’s the last thing I do!

PREVIOUS: Anger categories #11

SITE: “Violent Communication“ & child abuse…..

 

OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)

▪️PASSIVE anger
When we avoid dealing with any situation that severely upsets us, we’re likely suppressing both the awareness & the expressions of anger.
The underlying belief is that “I must never make anyone else uncomfortable, disappointed or displeased…. but it’s perfectly acceptable if I am”
This shows up as being emotionally self-dishonest, anxious, helpless, invisible, manipulated :
💭 Passives (Victims) – we let others choose for us, are inhibited, self-denying, always on the losing end of win-lose, only accidentally or indirectly getting what we want

🔻The Passive’s assumption is that their self-denial will produce the result they deeply desire – by being totally inoffensive – everyone will approve of & want to be with them.
Sad IRONY
▫️ Their rights are continually violated, while everyone else achieves their goals – at the victim’s expense
▫️ Other people will eventually become frustrated with the Passive’s wishy-washy-ness, costing them respect & credibility, AND make others angry
▫️ They’re never fully trusted because no one can tell where they stand. Some people may feel guilt or superiority – for taking advantage of that weakness
SO
Passives’ constant disappointment generates a lot of anger, which has to stay hidden. However it can also show up, indirectly as being resentful, holding a grudge, spreading nasty rumors, turning a cold-shoulder……

▪️REBELLIOUS anger
Rebellion in teens is a ‘normal’ stage of development, not automatically an indictment of their parents’ personalities or way of life. The need is to separate & individuate (S & I) from the adults, in order to develop their own Identity. It does not have to be severe or destructive.

In relatively healthy families it most often shows up as contrariness – constant disagreements with parental mores & points of view. Anger at family restrictions is a way to form necessary boundaries.
If allowed to run it’s course, young people will eventually settle into a way of life that suits themself & may actually end up agreeing with the family in some basic respects.

rebellion• However, in dysfunctional/ abusive families, any disagreement is seen as a threat to the whole fabric of the system (see Family Mobile)
While one or more children will become the ‘good boy or girl”, at least one other may become the rebellious, angry ‘difficult’ one, taking on the Scapegoat Toxic Role. Such children may be continually punished, accused of disloyalty, &/or thrown out.  It makes sense this child will conclude that since “No one cares about me, everyone thinks I’m bad – I might as well be bad” !!

As adults – Rebellious anger is most often directed at any form of authority – being sullen & withdrawn or openly defiant, joining up with other unhappy peers, & show up in all kinds of anti-social behavior. It’s rage that’s projected onto others which we deny feeling about our family’s neglect incompetence, & many forms of abuse.

▪️RETALIATORY / revenge anger
This is another very dangerous type of anger – a primitive, destructive, violent response to a personal insult, injury or humiliation from others. It can surface as a direct response to someone else lashing out at us, but our intuitive ‘logic’ about wanting revenge is often twisted, conflicted & small-minded.

Sometimes the trigger is a real-world situation, other times it’s only a perceived wrong. Either way the intensity of our reaction will dependent on how much a current event reminds us of childhood hurts & disappointments.
Revenge-actions include being over-harsh, refusing to forgive & forget, bringing up hurtful memories from the past….

Anger + Violence = REVENGE
👹 Using ‘Violent Communication‘ toward bullies / intimidators can easily make them switch to the Revenge cycle, so the punishment doled out to the ‘Enemy’ (you) continues to grow.

Anger in the form of Revenge only encourages the problem, perpetuating the cycle of violence. No matter how much we want justice or pay-back, the cycle always ends in one person being a Victim. It never leads to a resolution. (SITE: “R – will it make you feel better?“).

INTERESTING: Complete outline of Hamlet’s Revenges

NEXT: Anger categories #13

Anger – CATEGORIES : Passive, Paranoid, Pass-Agg (#11)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

sad baby a.b.NO MATTER HOW UPSETTING, I can’t seem to make anything better

PREVIOUS: Anger Categories (Part 10)

SITE: “Righteous Indignation“


OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)
▪️PARANOID anger
Paranoia can be identified on a continuum, FROM mild & occasional (“I bet she’s talking abut me”) TO severe & continual (“I know they’re watching me thru the tv”).
In the present, it’s the Paranoid’s irrational assumption that they’re somehow always in danger, but can’t quite put their finger on it, or prove it.
They are absolutely sure that others are out to get them, take what’s theirs, want to humiliate them socially, or attack them in some other way.

Paranoia comes from the experience of being in very real & continual danger growing up. As children they were double-binded, manipulated & controlled to the point of never being able to trust their own thoughts & emotions, much less anyone else’s.

As a result they’re always on guard, never relaxed. Their ability to process & evaluate situations correctly is flawed or non-existent, confusing their own motives & emotions with those of others. The fear/terror comes from a deep sense of insecurity & powerlessness, which generates a lot of anger.

Instead of admitting the rage, they project it out onto the world, believing everyone else is angry, so they can be too – without guilt. Their fury is disguised as self-protection.
They see their own anger reflected in the eyes & words of their friends, mates & co-workers, without realizing it’s a mirror. This leaves everyone confused.

▪️PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE anger
The “P-A ACoAs” posts give a full description. This category is also called:
Leaking – stockpiling resentments toward someone, & then talking about them behind their back with others who agree with us, gossiping, muttering under our breath, doing things we know upset the one we’re mad at…

Sneaky – never letting others know we’re angry, much less to what degree, but it shows up Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 8.19.57 PManyway, usually by withholding – in our actions, communication, emotions….. and then acting innocent & hurt, asking with a puzzled look, “Why are you getting mad at me?”

Underhanded – indirectly trying to get revenge for injustices to our ego by sabotaging the specific ‘enemy’ we’re angry at, rather than randomly abusing whoever is near by.
In this case we use little acts of ‘mild’ aggression, in what we think are socially acceptable ways – being late, making belittling side-comments, complaining to others about them, teasing, always discouraging someone’s ideas, plans, dreams….

▪️POWERLESS anger
There are very real situations in life which some of us have to deal with, where we are truly powerless.
EXP:  care-taking an elderly sick & forgetful parent, raising a disabled child, coping with a drug/alcohol addicted mate or older child, having a chronic illness……
It’s exhausting, wearing down our patience, so it’s easy to get frustrated, irritated & then angry. This is normal, & needs to be addressed – by getting regular support & relief time.

• However, some of us no longer live in hurtful / dangerous circumstances, yet act as if we’re still victims – as we once were in childhood. We get angry whenever we can’t get what we want or expect.
We react to everyday frustrations as if they’re meant specifically for us – when they’re actually not. We assume childhood powerlessness is a permanent state, not deserving anything else (learned helplessness). So as adults we don’t have internal permission to get our needs met legitimately. (MORE….)
powerless
⚡️ This causes us to only focus on others outside ourselves to provide everything we need or want, & then get angry when that doesn’t happen. We don’t know or refuse to admit we are responsible for our own self-care

😪 On the other hand many people are still genuinely trapped in situations they can’t get out of for various reasons – children in abusive homes, sex slaves, battered wives, prisoners, war refugees, living in poverty. (Image ↗️).
A total sense of powerlessness always generates impotent anger, even fury. But without any options, eventually depression & then hopelessness often takes over.

NEXT: Anger categories (Part 12)

Anger – CATEGORIES : Narc, Overwhelmed, Reactive (#10)

dmtorbi ACoAs

I LOVE MY ANGER –
it’s all about ME!

PREVIOUS : Anger Categories (#9)

BOOK: “Recovery from Anger Addiction”  ~~ Verryl V Fosnight


OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)
▪️NARCISSISTIC (N) anger
The main N. trait is assuming everything is about them. They’ve created a complex protective facade needed to hide inner woundedness, even from themselves. The most severe Ns desperately need to protect this False Self, & can not tolerate anyone who does or says anything to weaken or expose their facade. Everyone must contribute to bolstering the cocoon they’re wrapped in – & woe unto anyone who doesn’t.

selfish_manWhile Ns act like they’re confident & always know what they want, the defensive False Persona is in fact very vulnerable – covering deep anxiety from an unsafe childhood. Any threat to their image will bring up their rage, IRONY :  they’re also resentful & shamed of being dependent on others for the ‘food & fuel’ to maintain that False Self.

They’re caught between the frustration of an all-consuming reliance on others for adulation, AND any perceived lack of subservience from their ‘subjects’, which makes them prone to outbursts. When they don’t get what they want they’ll either attack or cut the ‘robel’  out of their life – with no explanation. (MORE….)

This kind of rage can be seen in many ways:
☁︎ As Cruelty – putting others down to protect themself, achieving a goal at another’s expense, taking credit for other people’s ideas or work, demanding their own rights while violating those of others

😎 As Grandiosity – showing off, being mistrustful, not delegating, being a sore loser, always wanting center stage, talking over people’s heads….
👤 As Selfishness – only considering their own wants & needs, not responding to requests for help, not listening, **when ‘giving’ it’s only what they want or like to give, never considering what the other person actually needs (**See all posts re. Narcissism -2021)

▪️OVERWHELMED anger
It surfaces when life’s demands are too much for us, so all emotional responses are more Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 8.12.25 PMeasily triggered. We can’t take any more – our plate is overflowing & we have no more reserves of patience or coping energy. This anger is an unsuccessful response to the alternative of giving up, as in ‘learned helplessness’

It’s used to relieve stress, often by shouting & fighting. It can be caused either by:
▫️ a finite situation, like having a tight deadline, while having lots of other time-sensitive, important things to do as well, OR
▫️ life in general, like trying to find a job while many bills are due + caring for a sick loved one + struggling to raise children alone….

▪️REACTIVE anger
We are born with our own specific set of personality traits, such as : level of activity, distractibility, persistence, mood consistency, flexibility to change, intensity of reaction to + & – stimuli & nervousness level.
The last 3 – in their negation form – relate to how reactive we are to our experiences. (See Posts: re how to respond : “What Just Happened?“)

If we’ve inherited brain-wired traits of rigidity, nervousness &/or over-sensitivity PLUS a difficult childhood, we end up more easily triggered by stress-events. Then to protect ourselves, we develop the need to control our environment – not seeing that the reaction comes from inside ourselves

• Reactors are more likely to feel insulted or treated unfairly. When something happens that brings up their anger, they’d rather push back rigover-reactinght away rather than soothe away their hurt or deal with the issue in a reasonable way.
The automatic assumption is always that —> other people’s behavior causes their anger, so they want to get control back as soon as possible, to get relief.
AND – this pattern can become so ingrained & automatic, that it will even show up in neutral situations!

So there can be a lot of yelling, throwing things, slamming of doors, insults….which gets reinforced because in the short-term it usually lets this angry type get their way.
But what’s gained in immediate gratification is lost in long-term respect – being seen as volatile, harsh, & undesirable.

NEXT: Anger Categories #10

Anger – CATEGORIES : Hating, Judging, Low-level (#9)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

pink a.b.WHAT YOU LOOK’N AT? you look’n at me?

PREVIOUS: A. Categories (#8)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

SITE: Depression & Anger


OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)
▪️HATING anger
This is the cold fire that started as accumulated anger toward someone or something which the hater feels is totally evil & totally undeserving of compassion or forgiveness.
They still see themself as an innocent victim. Yes, there may have been a time when they were – but may not be any more. Their rage has never been processed & resolved, & in the form of obsessive resentments, it can go on forever. They vow to despise the offenders, often thinking about ways to punish them, & sometimes they do.Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 8.00.17 PM

If these ragers can’t get back at the original perpetrator(s), they find other opportunities in life to vent their bitterness. They create a universe of enemies to fight, attacking with great vigor & enthusiasm.
However, this hatred causes themself serious damage over time – just as much as harming others. Haters can’t let go or get on with life. They become hard & miserable, stuck in a narrow, rigid existence.

▪️JUDGMENTAL anger
Being judgmental of others is a way of saying that WHO someone is – is bad, instead of evaluating their behavior as good or bad OR as not suited to oneself
Being constantly judgmental indicates being closed minded, with a lack of respect, empathy & good manners ‘Judgy’ people find fault with almost everything & everyone, from the government to the color of a car.
Actually, they’re angry & resentful about their own life, which they project out onto the world.
Instead of correcting problems of their own, hurting others is used as a way of making themself feel better, by directing critical, shaming or scathing comments at the object of their anger, or at any available substitute.

🔺 Being judgmental is very different from making good judgments—> which is realistically evaluating the merits of something (safe/ unsafe, positive/ negative, healthy/ unhealthy) in general, or as applied to our specific needs (the appropriate person to date, healthiest foods, best way to spend our money…..)

▪️LOW-LEVEL anger can be:
bottled rage√ mild, when a situation is annoying but not serious, often suppressed, OR
√ strong but hidden anger, & may be disguised as nonchalance. This is harder to spot in someone, but can be hinted at by their impatience or exasperation over the smallest thing (a fly buzzing, a person wearing something unattractive, a loud commercial….), especially if it doesn’t seem to bother anyone else.

It also can be expressed as being argumentative, easily frustrated & cranky. A way to tell if someone you know is an angry low-level-er, is to ask  : “Is there any family member  / frond / mate….. whose constant irritability affects your ability to have a good relationship with them?”  If Yes, then they probably have this indirect style of anger.

INTERESTING contrast – Much of our psychological ‘wisdom’ tells us that it’s bad to express too much anger, but this is not true in every culture.
EXP: Young people out drinking on a Friday night —
🇬🇧 in England, hospital ERs are full by midnight with fight injuries. Whereas,
🇧🇮 in Basque cities (northern Spain) you’ll see a group of people in a bar arguing so vigorously it seems inevitable that a fight will break out – but it rarely does. Low-level anger is not just expressed, it’s almost exaggerated, so that the full-blown variety is usually not needed

Whatever the nationality, alcohol loosens inhibitions, so the most likely explanation for the difference is that the Basques bottle their anger up less, while the Brits need the bottle to let it out. (from ‘The Guardian’)

🇵🇷 In the USA – there’s an epidemic of low-level-continuous-anger.
One way it shows up is in “the ambient misanthropy of snarkiness – the snide, bitchy, cynical, catty, sarcastic, irascible remarks or quips at the expense of other people. They’re not actually witty – like Oscar Wilde, Dorothy Parker, Mae West – but rather snotty remarks, poking fun in a hurtful, superior way. ‘Snarky’ is intended as brutally-blunt irony, often delivered in an abrupt manner to stun.” (MORE…..)

NEXT: Anger Categories (Part 9)

Anger – CATEGORIES : Envy, Frustration, Habitual (#8)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

yellow a.b.I JUST CAN’T HANDLE
all the stuff I have to deal with!

PREVIOUS: A. Categories (#6)

SITE: “What Your Anger May Be Hiding”
(scroll to: “Anger as a ‘Safe’ Way to attach….)


OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)
▪️ENVY / JEALOUSY anger
Both come from a feeling of being powerless to get what WE want /need, but do not have the right or ability to achieve.

Envy is between 2 people :
“I want what you have, which I never had (a loving family, a healthy body, the right to be who you are, good looks, an education….). OR
I may or may not want exactly what you have, but I’m not allowed to have what’s right for me ” (ACoA powerlessness ).
SITE re. the differences – also re. God

Jealousy is between 3 or more people :jealous heart
▫️ I want who or what you have, which I never had or can’t get (lots of friends, a wonderful mate, a great boss…..) AND don’t believe I ever will
OR
▫️I’am terrified of losing of something I have or thought I had (love of my mate, connection to my children, full attention from a parent…..), because sooner or later they’ll want someone else – instead of me
EXP: Dolly Parton’s “Jolene” – from her real experience

▪️FRUSTRATION anger
Frustration is the emotion we feel whenever we’re blocked from reaching a desired outcome – anywhere from the minor irritations of losing something to the major aggravation of a long-term inability to reach an important goal.
It’s often experienced when a result doesn’t match all the effort we put in to achieving something, or our work produces fewer, weaker results than we think it should have.

If the frustration goes on too long or is too great, is can make us irritable, resentful & angry. The more important the goal, the greater the frustration, resulting in anger & loss of confidence.
▫️ At worst – one can spiral downward into depression & resignation
▫️ At ‘best’, frustration can be a used to identify AND correct a problem that needs to be Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 8.06.30 PMcorrected or changed

• Internal sources can come from real personal damage OR imagined deficiencies (S-H) which prevent us from getting what we want. This can lead to turning the anger against ourself, criticizing ourself for lack of knowledge, planning, preparation, perseverance……

▫️We can stay in a frustrating situation from a mistaken belief that making life easier is a weakness, a loss of control
▫️Frustration can come from having competing goals that interfere with one another (internal DBs), even when both are positive (Child wishes vs Adult needs....).

• External causes involve conditions outside ourself coming from other people or situations that get in our way. Deliberately frustrating others is an act of control, for power & status. When we are refused permission, our actions blocked or resources withdrawn – we feel angry, but it’s not always wise or safe to show it. Somethings we can get around or modify the obstacle, but others are inescapable (Serenity Prayer)
EXP: MINOR: traffic, waiting in line, put ‘on hold’, something’s sold out, crying baby on airplane…..
MAJOR: Gov’t or legal regulations, politics & bureaucracy at work, long-term / chronic illness, permanent disability, all forms of prejudice….

▪️HABITUAL Anger  (“Anger – Ways to React” #2, Chronic)
These people have the habit of always being angry, which they think makes life predictable. They’re convinced they always know what’s ‘real, so they believe that even though life may be lousy it has a shape – their anger making it ‘safe’ & stable.
The down side – their porcupine exterior insures they can’t get close to anyone – to show love to others or let themselves be loved

Trapped in a vicious loop, they start out being angry about something that made them unhappy – probably legitimate. It then morphs into a whole way of life, a vicious cycle where —> they’re angry about being unhappy & unsuccessful, which makes them angry, which keeps them unhappy…..!!

EXP: Like the stereotype mean old man who’s always cranky.  It’s his go-to response, especially when he doesn’t understand something & doesn’t want to seem stupid or out of date. And he may have given up trying to figure the world out, “too old” to learn technology or ‘get’ the younger generation…. so he can never be peaceful!

NEXT: Anger Categories (Part 8)

Anger – CATEGORIES : Disappointed, Displaced (#7)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

reddish a.b.IT’S JUST NOT FAIR!
that I can’t do whatever I want!

PREVIOUS: Anger Categories (Part 5)



OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)

▪️DISAPPOINTMENT anger
REALISTIC: This comes up when things are out of our control, such as when:disappointed girl
• a promise made to us is broken (we don’t get the raise)
• a hope is dashed (rain on the day we planned a picnic)
• there’s endless delay in reaching an important goal or need
• when something we looked forward to turns out not to be as good, attractive or satisfactory as expected…..

If things like these happen too often, from people or situations we depend on, we can become very depressed &/or angry. As children – many of us were stuck with continually disappointing parents, so we’re more sensitive to even slight losses now. Unfortunately, ACoAs with this background tend to find & stay with PPT which repeat this patterns, instead of walking away & looking for more reliable options

UNREALISTIC: This anger comes from an unmet expectation or wish:
√ which was verbalized but not agreed to (person A says WE are going to DO or not do something, but person/group B is silent, which leads A to assume they agree, when B actually doesn’t. So they don’t do what A expected or it’s sabotaged in some way

√ which was never verbalized & therefore not agreed to  EXP: Maria pictures & plans for a romantic event, assuming that Juan will fulfill the fantasy – without having any idea what she’s hoping for! So he doesn’t do anything, because he’s not normally romantic, & legitimately not a mind-reader. That makes her very angry – at him – instead of taking responsibility for not asking

PRESUMING : Unrealistic disappointment-anger can come from making judgments or assuming rules about how things should be done or not done, that are not met by a specific person or group we’re involved in. Judgments come —Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 7.59.49 PM
√ from a sense of moral superiority, as if we know what’s best for someone else (“No daughter of mine will even marry a ___ / Of course you’ll be better off going to that ___ / Our family only votes ____”)

√ from a need follow “the Rules”, by controlling our environment so we can feel safer (“Al-Anon meetings should always be helpful / the speaker should stick to the topic / the chairs should be in a circle ….”).
Either way, it causes trouble for everyone.

▪️DISPLACED anger
UNHEALTHY: In the classic victimizer-victim “kick-the-dog” cycle, we take out anger we have toward one person/situation ON TO a weaker or easier target that happens to be available, so that an innocent person or animal gets hurt.
The substitute-target will have no idea why they’re being picked on / yelled at / punished….. just left dazed, confused & hurt. They bear the brunt of someone’s displaced anger, as a scapegoat, & their relationship with the perpetrator will be damaged, specially if it’s often repeated

This type of anger may not always be overtly aimed at a specific PPT, but can show up as anxiety, being uncooperative, crankiness, depression, isolation, prejudice……
We react this way when we don’t admit we’re actually angry, since :
√ we’re not internally allowed to recognize what hurts us (whatever made us angry)
√ we still think we’re powerless to change a bad situation
√ we’re too afraid to assert ourselves to the person we’re angry at
√ the object of our anger is realistically too dangerous to confront

Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 8.07.07 PMHEALTHIER: When we genuinely can not change a situation we’re in that leaves us frustrated, drained & angry – but we choose to stay in it or can not alter (caring for a sick & dying parent, needing the survival job, a chronic injury or illness…..).

‘Blocked” anger-energy can be redirected  :
• vent it privately, in a safe way (pound, draw, write…..)
• break objects we don’t need (tin cans, old newspapers….)
• strenuous exercise / using a punching bag….
• re-channel the anger-energy into productive activity (something artistic, sports, helping the under-privileged….), where we can feel successful & effective.

NEXT: Anger Categories (Part 7)

Anger – CATEGORIES : Defensive, Double-binded (#6)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: Categories #5

SITE: “Anger May Stem from Alcohol and Other Drugs”

 

 

OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)
▪️DEFENSIVE anger
DIRECT cause: When we’re suddenly attacked, a primitive reaction is triggered of either fight / anger (need to be quick & hit hard) OR flight / fear (need speed & agility), with a boost of adrenaline giving power to muscles. When cornered, running away or giving in is usually judged by others as cowardly, so the initial fear reaction often turns in to anger, & the defensive person becomes the attacker.

EXP: If Joe uses aggressive anger on a colleague & Sam reacts with defensive anger, a loud argument is inevitable. Then if Sam switches to attacking Joe as a way to distract or get back at him, we get a see-saw effect, where the back-&-forthing becomes personal & the original point of the dispute may be completely lost

INDIRECT cause: On the other hand, wounded people who grew up being accused wrongly, made fun of, bullied…. tend to be automatically defensive, as a matter of course.
Defensiveness (verbal or physical fists in the air) is used when feeling attacked – whether intended by someone or not – & comes from not being internally safe.
It means we don’t experience the environment as benign, & therefore react, as WHEN :
• we feel compelled to protect our ego by justifying ourselves, as a way to push away feeling of guilt, insecurity, shame, or the fear that we really are wrong
• we take offense – too easily, too often – using anger to protect a ‘precious’ sensitive subject we have a vested interest in (a favorite person, prejudice or project….)
WHEN
• a button gets pushed (an unhealed old wound), such as being accused wrongly, ignored or made fun of, delays, frustration, unfairness….
• we react to allScreen Shot 2016-06-02 at 7.58.53 PM communications as potentially ‘dangerous’ to our well-being (a bit of paranoia)

BTW: There is a climate of entitlement among many young people today, which is assumed to represent self-esteem – but is not.
Some research on self-regulation suggests that under conditions of ego threat, people with a high sense of self-esteem – that’s actually narcissistic – may not be able to suspend their illusion of being great to make accurate self-evaluations.
An article by Fung Ming Chan notes that.there are two variations of high self-esteem:
— one that is pure self-worth, which is not inflated or unrealistic, vs.
—  the type that includes defensive responses in an unrealistically self-favorable way.  It’s this defensiveness that causes negative behaviors.
(from “Understanding Negative Consequences of High Self-Esteem: The Role of Defensiveness.” ~~ Kathleen Hoffman & Traci Mann)

▪️DOUBLE-BIND anger
DEF: DBs are created by trying to force you to obey or accept 2 opposing messages at the same time. You can’t object & you’ll be punished for whichever one you can’t ‘do’, so either choice will be the wrong one, causing loss & pain. Trapped between Scylla & Charybdis.      (Posts:  D.Messages  // D.Binds)

• Anger used to create a DB
Ambivalent Sexism : When women have to choose between being liked but not respected, or being respected but not liked.
EXP: Workplace displays of anger raise the status of men BUT lower that of women

• Anger from being put in a DB
The Person in a DB is trapped & as long as they try to please the Sender. They end up paralyzed, because there is no resolution (except to get out). This no-win position inevitably causes frustration, anger, & eventually helpless rage. (Women & Anger – D. Bind)

• Anger as Sarcasm
 CA anger-coach Cosmin Gheorghe writes:  “Sarcasm, in its most complex forms, creates a psychological double bind & psychological tension. What matters the most is the meaning, the meta-communication that occurs beyond the verbal. The fine line between humor & offensive communication creates a sort of adrenaline rush. Depending on circumstances, this tension will be released either as anger/ aggression, verbal relief or relaxation.” (MORE….. excellent info)

NEXT : Categories #7

Anger – CATEGORIES : Bullying, Chemical, Controlling (#5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

3 blue a.b.I HAVE TO PROTECT MYSELF at all costs!

PREVIOUS: Categories #4

SITE: “Neural representation of facial-emotion reflects conceptual structure“


OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)
▪️BULLYING anger
Bullies vent their anger on those who don’t matter to them, or who they’re actively trying to undermine. They need to intimidate (using Anger + Fear) to be one up – using verbal assaults, seduction, mind games, political maneuvering….

Even though they are indeed fueled by aggressive anger, bullies can control outward signs of it much of the time when in public. They disguise their true intentions & emotions, especially around people they feel the need to impress, & so are unlikely to see the bully’s cruel side. (MORE….re. the workplace)

NOTE: Both bullies & other narcissists are only interested in getting their own way & can’t empathize with their victims. However, a basic difference is that:
• bullies know their victims hate what’s happening to them & that they haven’t done anything to the perpetrator directly. Targets are just seen as fearful, passive & vulnerable (weak), so ‘deserve’ to be pick on, while —-

• narcissists (especially NPDs) can’t even imagine that other people have needs or feelings different from their own, so are completely baffled when someone disagrees, balks or gets mad at them. They can’t understand how anyone would object to their words, demands or actions – since others are just tools to be used – not separate entities in their own right.

▪️CHEMICAL anger – some causes, including poor nutrition & low blood sugar :
• Biochemical – alcohol, drugs (‘roid rage, PCP berserking….), drug interactions, lead poisoning, stopped smoking
• Diseases : Alzheimers, cancer, heart, kidney, thyroid, Parkinson’s
• Medications : BuSpare types, Desyrels, Neurosine, Trazodone
• Neurologic : brain injuries, epilepsy, organic personality & pre-menstrual syndrome, TB

These & others greatly impair awareness & responses to external social cues because the brain cannot function normally. We see this in the violent or ‘mean drunk’ – what they say is likely what they really think & feel, unleashed because they’ve temporarily lost self-control. (MORE...)

▪️CONTROLLING anger
It’s used to gain power over other people & situation, to force things to go the controller’s way, or when something doesn’t turn out the way they wanted.
This anger is not always obvious, & can be in the form of : acting superior, being a poor loser, expecting that kiss/ make-up sessions will solve problems, not paying attention, not delegating, mistrusting everyone, showing off, talking over people’s heads, wanting center stage all the time….  (Post “ACoAs acting controlling”)
EXPs:
• If someone is afraid of losing their job they may feel anger instead of the underlying fear, which can be acted out in many ways such as badmouthing co-workers, in the hope of getting them fired to save one’s own position
• If someone or group is afraid their candidate will lose an election, they might get angry & argue with anyone leaning toward the opponent to get them to switch sides, rather than focusing on the issues or the candidates’ records…..

Deliberate / Planned: Sounding & acting angry when the person is not actually upset about something – at least at first. These types really know what they’re doing. Since they’re all about control, they won’t usually blow up, making their reaction – when they do – quite shocking.

It’s a performance without having to invest any real emotion, a way to gain power by threatening or bullying others – but this only works on the damaged & vulnerable, & only for a while

This is a tactic actually taught to cops, interrogators & top salespeople, and used by some parents, teachers & bosses…. as a way to manipulate & intimidate a person or group into doing what they want (be quiet, buy a product, do a task, go away….)
— OR used ‘positively’ by some preachers, therapists, politician or other group leaders – as a way to rouse a person or group to action for the good of their soul, their family, community or the world.
(Article: “What Do You Mean I’m Being Controlling?”)

NEXT : Anger Categories (Part 6)

Anger – CATEGORIES : Ambivalent, Avoidant (#4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

hospital a.b.
I HAVE NO CONTROL
over how I react!

PREVIOUS: Anger Categories (#3)

 

OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)
▪️AMBIVALENT anger
It is natural to feel anger towards the person/people who caused our childhood trauma, but that anger can be complicated by the feeling of ambivalence  :
– IF the ones responsible for the abuse also did good things for us. Such ambivalence can be very painful & confusing, leaving us in conflict. We can feel anger, hurt, frustration…. AND gratitude, love, longing, missing them….

OR – we can white-wash them, excusing the perpetrator/s by telling ourselves they didn’t know any better, they didn’t mean it, they were under great stress….
This confusion & denial will make it harder to feel the legitimate anger we have about the neglect & mistreatment, so we end up emotionally numb (a type of dissociative state)

OR – presently are living with someone you care about & want to stay with, but you find ‘difficult’ because of their damage – which also happens to trigger your buttons. Can you love & hate someone at the same time? Should you be angry or grateful (to be with them) ?

▪️AVOIDANT anger
a. One meaning is when someone makes a habit of trying to deny feeling anger all together – having experienced the awful results of aggression growing up, &/ or Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 7.50.31 PMbecause of religious prohibition (anger=sin).
They’re extremely afraid of their own anger & that of others. On the surface their communication is: “I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.”
Even when there’s a raging volcano in their gut, all that shows is a happy face, with nary a flicker of irritation. This is not passive-aggression – this is buried aggression.

• Since anger is a natural human emotions & everyone feels it from time to time, the more someone suppresses it, the more it builds up, until it consumes them – often in the form of an Immune Deficiency or other illness. Long-term suppressed anger damages self-esteem because it results in feeling too weak to assert one’s needs, which can lead to being scapegoated, depressed, paranoid, having debilitating worry….

b. A second meaning is about distancing oneself from the person who makes us feel angry – putting on a phony smile, not talking to them, never looking them in the face, staying away from them altogether….
Giving someone the cold shoulder or silent treatment – that we’re in any kind of relationship with – can be:Screen Shot 2016-06-02 at 7.50.39 PM
√ sidestepping confrontation, from not knowing how to proceed
√ a passive form of punishment for their offenses – supposed or real
√ a way to protect the other person from an outburst of our rage – which we’ll be sorry for later

• However, by not saying what bothers us as soon as possible (assertive anger), the option of working it thru is eliminated, since the person / group have no way of knowing they’ve caused an upset.
Their ignorance makes it more likely the ‘offender(s)’ will continue to be a source of aggravation. Of course, this applies to situations where there is at least the possibility of an improvement, but this can only happen if we at least make one attempt to communicate our anger & hurt

➼ In general, with both a & b styles, a chronic Avoider cannot escape accumulating a backlog of anger, which will at some point either explode or turn into long-term depression &/or illness

c. POSITIVE use : a third meaning is about ‘letting go’ of trying to connect with Co-dependents, Passive-aggressives or other Narcissists who can’t communicate directly & honestly.
EXP: We’ve tried 2 or 3x to ask the person or group for some satisfaction (‘Please stop ____,  Can we _____?, Would you be willing to_____?”)
BUT
— there is no discussion or change, OR
— there’s a promise of change but never any follow-thru.

Then avoidance is our only option – rather than staying & staying – with the false hope that eventually we’ll get our needs met!
Obviously, there are PPT that are best avoided altogether – since there’s no other way to stop being abused, and no way to have a resolution since the offender can’t/won’t change their ways.

NEXT: Anger Categories (Part 5)

Anger – CATEGORIES : Addictive, Aggressive (#3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

lite red a.b.

YES, I HAVE LOTS OF OPTIONS
but I only use the ones I know well

PREVIOUS: Anger Categories #2

SITE Top 5 Angry Cartoon Characters, w/ corrections

OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS

▪️ADDICTIVE anger
Addictions fall into : “substance” (chemicals) and “process” (co-dependence, food, gambling, hoarding, spending, work, anger….).
Science has proven that ‘rageaholism’ is real. Like any addiction, the emotion discharges catecholamine neurotransmitters : dopamine, epinephrine, norepinephrine & an adrenaline surge, with increased heart rate & blood pressure – which makes us feel alive, even euphoric. (Post:  Anger & the brain– #2).

Edie Weinstein, LSW wrote, “Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain from the craving, as seen in  impaired behavioral control, dysfunctional emotional responses, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and with interpersonal relationships….. ”

Because such people have not learned other ways to feel good, they become dependent on their anger. They’ll often create a crisis or look for jobs & relationships which provide the rush of excitement they ‘need’. They may look for ways to be offended & opportunities to pick fights – pouring more fuel on the fire – creating conflicts wherever they go. (MORE….)

• As with substance addicts, people who needs a daily anger “fix” can get antsy & irritable or lethargic & bored – when it’s not available. They feel mental tension & physical discomfort, so that when the craving is finally satisfied, they experience some relief. It becomes a vicious cycle – the more the brain wiring is reinforced, the more the anger-produced chemicals are strengthened

Anger-high is used to elevate depressed mood & release pent-up emotions. It gives the ‘adrenaline junkie’ a sense of being in control, & covers other emotions like fear, frustration, hurt, sadness… Anger is forceful, so it’s used to re-gain a sense of power & status, but without the internal assurance of actually being safe & worthwhile

Such people need intensity, so their anger takes on an all-or-nothing pattern, & catecholamine neuro-transmitters are released, causing a blast of kinetic energy, but the relief is short-lived, often followed by a nasty emotional hangover, creating more problems than it solves

▪️AGGRESSIVE anger (direct)
This is intense anger expressed in visible behavior, designed to hurt the person we experience as having harmed us, or who triggers our old pain.
The attacks are the result of focusing so strongly on our own personal needs & wounds. In this state we’re oblivious to consequences (a narcissistic lack of empathy), so we’ll act out, causing trouble

Anti-social / having a bad attitude : finger-pointing, ignoring people’s feelings, open defiance, prejudice, stealing, stirring up trouble, unfair punishments, wearing clothes or symbols associated with violent behavior, willful discrimination….

Physical: flashes of temper, physical or sexual violence of any kind (fist shaking, kicking, hitting, shoving, slapping, threaten with a weapon….), tailgating, excessively blowing car horn, slamming doors….

Verbal: used as armor & as a weapon, including vulgar or biased jokes, bickering, blaming, breaking a confidence, endless negativity & fault-finding, frightening by using threats of social or physical harm, foul language, insults, judging, labeling, malicious gossip, nagging, name-calling, refusal to talk, unjust accusations of immorality or of having detestable traits or motives….

ALSO: Sarcasm & Teasing – a way to express anger indirectly, with clever but cruel remarks disguised as humor.
EXP: “It’s OK that you’re late. I had time to read the menu―40 times!”

Teasers are often in denial about their underlying rage, thinking they’re just being funny, so they figure that if the recipient of a barbed witticism gets angry – that’s on
them. They feel justified in accusing the other person of over-reacting: “I’m just kidding…. you’re way too sensitive!”

But these kinds of comments are mean, so recipients will feel the hurt & withdraw or retaliate.  Although some people insist that mockery is a form of intellectual humor, the very word sarcasm is related to the Greek word ‘sarkazein’, meaning “to tear flesh like dogs.” Ouch! (MORE... 4 pages)

NEXT: Anger Categories (Part 4)