AND I don’t trust anyone to come thru

PREVIOUS: Traits of Victims. Part 2

QUOTE: “I am a victim, I have no qualms with this word, only with the idea that it is all that I am.”
Chanel Miller, Know My Name: A Memoir

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

🔻 preconditions for being abused

(Re. Self – Part 2)
Re. Abusers

• pick inappropriate mates & friends – men & women both have a strong need for relationship to validate themselves, but expressed it differently
• have a deep need to be needed, & gain a sense of worth by care-taking the abuser, being their parent substitute or domestic slave

• live in a fantasy world of “If only ____ (Perp) would do / be_____”, things would be OK between us
• have the illusion they can do something to fix the P. to make them less unhappy & therefore less dangerous
• consistently compromise their ethics, values & beliefs in favor of the P.
• use the abuser as their Higher Power, but often deny the reality of a Loving God or Benign Universe

social anxiety2. PHYSICAL
Re. Self  – They :
• often have -very real- long-term stress disorders (auto-immune disease, back pain, migraines….), OR psychosomatic complaints (not physically based)
• may exhibit obsessive-compulsive behaviors (pulling out hair, rocking, excessive cleaning…..)
They :
• think about, plan or attempt suicide, or periodic self-harm (cutting, hitting / banging their head…..
• have one or more addictions, used as self-medication (food, sex, drugs, alcohol, exercise….)
• have various phobias (of dirt, of going outside, of being noticed…)
They :
• avoid almost all social interaction OR can’t stand to be alone
• are compulsive: get stuck in a course of action & can’t seem to shift out of it, even when given a good alternative
• start things but never seem to finish anything
• are impulsive: poor self-control, do whatever they feel like at the moment without thought to options or consequences
• never seem to get it together to leave the abuser (while endlessly thinking & complaining about it) OR keep leaving but always go back OR pick another similar


Re. Abusers – Victims are:
• emotionally depchained to perpendent on the good-will & validation of others (just like the P), while believing that NO one can love them
• terrified of any form of disapproval, anger or the threat of being left
deeply loyal to the abuser, even with constant proof that the P. does not deserve it, & is never loyal to the V.

• blame all their problems on others, both the P & non-P. – to not have to be responsible for their own life
– BUT (ironically) — they’ve ‘learned’ that no one is safe, so they say they can’t trust anyone

Re. Self – They are:
• overwhelmed by S-H & FoA (fear of abandonment)
• intensely fear-based, under a facade, so can become control-freaks
• driven by guilt (not doing everything right) & shame (not being sin-less)
• not allowed to be comfortable or comforted
are :shame
• depressed (overtly or covertly), even numb, &/or visibly nervous, subject to periodic anxiety attacks
convinced they’re incapable of ever being able to love others
• afraid to see any good in themselves, take in compliments or value their accomplishments
• a submissive attitude & style of interacting (not the True Self), always feel inferior to others, even when hidden by competence or bravado
• great difficulty expressing anger, tend to internalize it & then act it out in other ways

NEXT: Victims #4

One thought on “TRAITS of VICTIMS (Part 3)

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