AND I don’t trust anyone to come thru

PREVIOUS: Traits of Victims, Part 2

QUOTE: “I am a victim, I have no qualms with this word, only with the idea that it is all that I am.”
Chanel Miller, Know My Name: A Memoir

VICTIM (V) CHARACTERISTICS Preconditions (cont)
a. re. Self  – Part 2

b. re. Abusers (P=perpetrator)
• consistently compromise their ethics, values & beliefs in favor of the P.
• gain a sense of worth by care-taking the abuser, with a deep need to be needed, they become the P’s parent substitute or domestic slave
• have the illusion they can do something to fix the P. to make them less unhappy & therefore  –> be less dangerous, AND be well enough to take care of & love the V
• live in a fantasy world of “If only ____ (Perp) would do / be_____”, things would be OK between us
• pick inappropriate mates & friends – men & women both have a strong need for relationship to validate themself, but expressed it differently
• use the P as their Higher Power, but often deny the reality of a Loving God or Benign Universe

social anxiety2. PHYSICAL
a. re. Self  – They :
• avoid almost all social interaction OR can’t stand to be alone
• are compulsive: get stuck in a course of action & can’t seem to shift out of it, even when given a good alternative
• have one or more addictions, used as self-medication (food, sex, drugs, alcohol, exercise….)
• have various phobias (of dirt, of going outside, of being noticed…)
• may exhibit obsessive-compulsive behaviors (pulling out hair, rocking, excessive cleaning…..)
• often have -very real- long-term stress disorders (auto-immune disease, back pain, migraines….), OR psychosomatic complaints (not physically based)
• start things but never seem to finish anything
• think about, plan or attempt suicide, or periodic self-harm (cutting, hitting / banging their head…..

b. re. Abusers — Victims
• allow Ps to invade their physical boundaries
• are available to be told what to wear, what to eat, how to sit, how to behave in public, where to look (eyes down)…
• ‘make it easy’/ be available for the P to insult their speech, accent, vocabulary, tone of voice….
• put up with their physical appearance & body characteristics being made fun of or disparaged
• tolerate physical abuse OR physical neglect


a. re. Abusers – Victims are:
• blame all their problems on others, both Ps & non-Ps – to not chained to perphave to take responsibility for their own life – BUT (ironically) — they’ve ‘learned’ that no one is safe, so they say they can’t trust anyone
deeply loyal to the abuser, even with constant proof that the P. does not deserve it, & is never loyal to the V.
• emotionally dependent on the good-will & validation of others (just like the P), while believing that NO one can love them
• terrified of any form of disapproval, anger or threat of being left

b. re. Self – They are:
• afraid to see any good in themselves, take in compliments or value their accomplishments
• convinced they’re incapable of ever being able to love others
• depressed (overtly or covertly), even numb, &/or visibly nervous, subject to periodic anxiety attacks
are :
• driven by guilt (not doing everything right) & shame (not being sin-less)
• intensely fear-based, under a facade, so can become control-freaks
• not allowed to be comfortable or comforted
• overwhelmed by S-H & FoA (fear of abandonment)
• a submissive attitude & style of interacting (not the True Self), always feel inferior to others even when it’s hidden by competence or bravado
• great difficulty expressing anger, tend to internalize it & then act it out in other ways

OUTCOME : Not being allowed to feel or think clearly for themself, Vs become gullible & therefore easily deceived, cheated & controlled. They attach to bullies, or hide from everyone. Not all look like Vs on the outside. They can act weak & incapable, or hide their vulnerability behind anger, hyper-activity & knowledge. But their personal life will usually tell.

NEXT: Victims #4

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