IF IT WEREN’T FOR YOU….
everything would be OK!
PREVIOUS: LEVELER Role
POST: Parents blaming us
ROLES – Blamer, Computer, Placater & Distracter
2. BLAMERS (B) – a Twisted form of Power
STYLE : about 30% of people use this defense. They say NO, regardless of what they really feel or want (it’s the principle of it!)
• act like they’re superior & make disparaging comparisons
• always think they’re right, & never respect others’ point of view
• are dictatorial, loud, tyrannical & expect everyone to obey them
• bully, shove their thoughts & feelings at others, are more likely to initiate conflict
• constantly find fault & point out problems or weaknesses in others (sometimes called ‘skunks’ in NLP because they ‘spray’ criticizing language)
• push responsibility for everything onto others, always looking for someone to take the blame when things go wrong, hinting that others ‘are in trouble’
• their attitude is oppressive, which can trigger Placating in others out of fear (EXP: when giving a speech they’re harsh to make firm points & elicit guilt)
• think no one will accept their view of the world unless they yell
• use authoritarian & direct language, with generalizations, to distract & assign blame
• use complex comparisons & missing proofs to confuse
• want to win at any cost, sometimes will “cut off their nose to spite their face” or win the battle only to lose the war
• no matter how someone replies to their accusations, Blamers will use it to make the other person even more wrong, using a double-bind with a mismatched response (EXP: if you stand up for yourself, you’re arrogant, if you back down you’re a wimp!)
Energetic Description (by Dr. Mary Jo Bulbrook)
• blamers can operate either from malicious OR unintentional intent
• as Sender – their verbal bullets attack with varying intensity at vulnerable spots in another person’s energy system, impacting their energy field, centers, tracts, head line & core
• Potential harm to receiver: if a person is in a weakened state, Blaming makes them vulnerable to outside negative energies, crating terror & depression
• this receiver will experience varying amounts of pain if they can’t block or shield themselves from the Blamer’s targeting – which can create holes, tears, shattering or disruptions in their energy field, blocking or shutting down the chakras & stop energy flow in the meridians
B Statements: “It’s your fault , You can’t do anything right , I’m the boss! , If it weren’t for you everything would be all right , You never… / You always …./ Why don’t you ever….”
B Stance: They use visual cues with breathing, posture & gestures
• body square on, legs apart, head slightly down, tightened neck muscles, leaning forward a bit
• face is screwed up, lips curled, nostrils flared, eyebrows lowered
• one hand on hip, other hand with raised finger & palm down, pointing directly at another for strong effect (an attack), or at the ceiling (a warning of attack).
• internal tightness of muscles & organs, with increased blood pressure (see Chart in “What about Es, #1“)
Bs Gain Power: by their guilt-producing ability & belittling others, as when the Sender of blame uses force to convey a mental / psychological message, and the Receiver acknowledges & accepts the message
Aim: to dominate so they’ll be obeyed, & provoke fear so they’ll be ‘respected’
Reacting to a Blamer: (via NLP) If you use a Placater stance with them it can shift their attention from their own attitude & context, to your view & your context.
Be careful: it can also trigger an even stronger Blamer response from them, if they get annoyed at you for being gutless (according to them)
Reality: Blamers hide behind a tough mask of invulnerability, but actually feel powerless, uncared-for & alone in the world with no one to help.
When stressed, they compensate by taking charge, bluff their way out, attacking & controlling. This attitude temporarily makes them feel better – when people obey, they feels effective & powerful
Negative Result : they usually end up alone, since nobody wants to be at the receiving end of their blaming, harshness & over-control
NEXT: Satir’s DISTRACTER Role
9 thoughts on “Satir’s BLAMER Role”
Well, this certainly explains a lot! When I’m around the person in my life who is like this, I invariably feel as though I’m “damned if I do and damned if I don’t”. The end result is, I’ve decided to walk away (and I’m still damned!).
I suppose it’s a hard role to step out of, as the first step to healing is usually taking responsibility/accountability for ourselves. Kudos to anyone who acknowledges they’re doing this.
Kudos to you!
Thanks! I’m learning how to take less responsibility as I’m trying to step out of the scapegoat role… I want to be able to (constructively) blame!
Ruth, YES – be NOT responsible for that’s theirs, & hold them responsible for what is!
That’s the idea… I want to start using blame the ways it’s intended to be used, to place the responsibility where it’s due. Rather than the way it’s currently being used, to avoid taking responsibility.
The term “double-binding” that you mentioned has helped me understand what is happening and sadly, what will happen when I start assigning blame and eventually walk away.
This article has helped me realize that this behavior stems from a of fear of being alone (abandoned?) which ends up being a self-fulfilling prophesy. It’s also helped me realize that it’s a hard role to step out of… as the very thing that they fear the most, is what they need to do in order to be able to heal and have healthy relationships. Just reading this article would take a tremendous amount of courage.
Ruth – then you must be very brave indeed!
There’s a fine line between bravery and foolishness… I just hope I’m doing the right (safest) thing.
I love your website, even when I learn things about myself I didn’t want to know (but did want to know, deep down). When I grew up, my dad was the Blamer, I was the Scapegoat. Now I have young children. Having read this page, I see now that when anything goes wrong I quickly jump to roll of Blamer. Not because it’s who I am, but because I’ll do anything not to be the Scapegoat. Now I see why my kids are so quick to blame each other. They don’t want to be the Scapegoat either. How do I find a 3rd option? I want to break the pattern that I know even my dad was born into. I don’t “blame” him, I just know he was the carrier for the role. With much gratitude,
Hi Barniki, thanks for your comments & Q. I respect you for wanting to grow & be a better role model for your kids. Breaking the cycle means finding out who you really are, not as a role. The Leveler is the template. Also, have you read thru the ‘Scapegoat’ posts? (March 2016)
As you go thru the blog, you’ll find many posts that offer ways to shed the False Self: your rights, self-esteem, emotional maturity, character, boundaries, Recovery, being Confident….. Also the Enneagram,’senses & learning’, multiple intelligences…. all to find ways to identify & strengthen the Real You, which of course gets passed on to your children. “Let it begin with me!”