mind reading

ACoAs & Being DISAPPOINTED (Part 1)

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empty promises I CAN’T TRUST ANYONE – I’ve been disappointed too often

PREVIOUS: Anxiety & T.E.A. #3

QUOTES: “Longed for him. Got him. Shit.” ― Margaret Atwood

“Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in hope & expectation.” ― Eric Hoffer

DEF: The feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure to manifest of expectations or hopes, with the focus on the outcome, rather than the poor choices one may have caused the failure – decisions / actions that got one there

• Decision Analysis studies many different topics, including Disappointment – its causes, impact & degree to which individual decisions are motivated by a desire to avoid it.

FROM the Regret & Disappointment Scale:
“The emotion most frequently studied by decision theorists is regret, the counter-factual thoughts that create emotions – when realizing or imagining we would have had a better outcome if we’d decided differently.

Regret depends on a Choice made in the past which led to an unfulfilling action – later causing  counter-factual** thinking.
And the intensity of regret depends on – whether suitable alternatives were available (to the person at the time) but were not chosen.
**Counter-factual thinking is picturing one or more outcomes different from what actually happened. It’s when we obsessively think  ‘If only I had… What if it hadn’t….”

Psychologists & economists have been investigating the relationship between Regret & Choice since the early 1980’s. The emotion of disappointment is also based on counter-factual thinking : when we keep wishing events had turned out more to our liking.

Although regret and disappointment are different emotions, they’re both generated by comparing “What IS” reality with “What might have been”.(MORE….)

ACoAs have very intense reactions to being disappointed (D) – either with outright rage OR deep depression, depending on the strength & importance of the unfulfilled needs, and how long we were deprived of those needs.
This to be such a big issue for ACoAs, which tells us how constant & overwhelmingly abandoned in PMES ways we were as kids – first & foremost by our parents, & then by everyone else who let us down.

• We needed them to be there for us, to encourage, guide, protect, validate, mirror, love…. & they either did these things sporadically, incompetently or not at all.
Constant, endless disappointment in our caretakers (also teachers, relatives, baby sitters…) has left us with a very big wound. It’s one of many wounds – & some of us have buried it so deep, we don’t evedisapponted catn recognize it when it happens again in the present.

To be disappointed we must:
1. have a need ( + desire, wish, dream, hope….)
We may not even know we have a particular need or wish, because we were not allowed to have them, or if we did, we were told in many ways, over & over – that they were not legitimate, were selfish, were dumb….
AND must :
2. (secretly) expect that need to be met.
Since we’re still not allowed to have them, we not aware that they’re always in the background. We still have needs, just by virtue of being alive. But since they go unmet – they can never go away, like being hungry but barely eating anything if ay all – OR eating empty calories & harmful foods / chemicals…..
For many of us, the greater a specific need, the more desperate we become – waiting for someone else to do something for us we should be doing for ourselves or can learn how to
and must :
3. not get that need met : We can track deprivation of need, hopes, wishes….  by the intensity of our reactions when we don’t get something we (unconsciously) longed for, actually asked for or tried to get in some indirect way.

❥ HUMOR from Grant Snider

 

NEXT: ACoAs & Disappointment – Part 2

ACoAs: PATTERNS of Mistrust (Part 2)

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mistrust
I’LL NEVER GET WHAT I WANT
so I might as well end it

PREVIOUS: Patterns of Mistrust (Part 1)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


PATTERNS (cont)
c. PARANOIA // d. OVER-TRUSTING
e. MIND-READING
We’re always trying to figure out:
• WHY someone did or didn’t do what we wanted (“Why hasn’t he called me back?”, “Why did thmindreadingey leave?”…). We think that if we can figure it out, we can fix ourself so they won’t leave us, or so they’ll come back

• WHAT they’re thinking in general, & specifically about us, so we know where we stand, what they want from us, how we should behave ……
Our co-dependence makes us assume that if they like us we‘re allowed to live, but if they disapprove or are angry at us we should be dead! & this happens over & over with each person, so we’re emotional yo-yos

f. BACK-DOOR
At the same time we build-in a defense strategy in relationships to manage our FoA by automatically looking for flaws in others, which we can use as an excuse to escape the minute we feel disappointed. back doorThey’re bound to fail our tests by — not reading our mind, not rescuing us, not symbiosing with us….
It’s our ‘fear of commitment’, so we never quite have both feet firmly in the relationship, BUT then complain that we can’t connect / don’t feel close / aren’t valued….

• An extreme version of this is when we really do want to get out of a relationship but don’t have the right or the courage to do it directly — we create drama (fights, an affair, constantly pressuring them….), pushing the other person away in order to force them into doing the leaving. BUT then we feel abandoned, unloved – & angry!

g. TESTING
On the one hand we have created a set of rules for others to follow (no matter what kind of relationship), often unconsciously AND which we don’t tell the other person about.  Our rules are THAT OTHERS:
• treat us in the the positive ways we say we’d like, but are not allowed to ask for directly or do for ourselves
• fulfill our expectation & demand they be the good parents we didn’t have
• are the measuring stick we use to know what to expect – so we won’t be cotestingnned & not feel so vulnerable

💔 THEN we wait to see how many of our ‘rules’  they provide or which ones they violate. When they inevitably fail, we feel justified in our anger & disenchantment with them – & all of humanity!

h. The THIRD DEGREE
On the other hand, we may try to be safe by asking endless questions, probing to see what’s really going on, to see if the situation is safe, what do they like, want, need…..
NOTE: Information about who people are is legitimate & necessary – but here we’re talking about frantic, incessant interrogation because we can’t trust our perceptions, or other people, & can’t letting things unfold slowly

i. PREEMPTIVE STRIKES
a. Verbally attack or threaten physical harm ahead of assumed danger, especially if someone has inadvertently pushed one of our old buttons, like accusing us wrongly or acting needy
EXP: A young woman threatened each new lover with bodily harm on the first date if he ever did or said anything to scare her

b. Since we assume we’ll be abandoned sooner or later, WE:
• can’t wait to tell others about how messed up we arepreempt love
• act obnoxious & immature
• never respond to anything seriously, using ‘clever’ phrases
• stay very impersonal, only talking from the head, only about actions
• insult others, have a hostile attitude most of the time, answer civil or ‘innocent’ questions with ridiculous or angry retorts
EXP: A young woman reacted harshly when a new boyfriend asked if she was going to make him breakfast. She spit out “I wouldn’t be caught dead cooking!”
• One girl was asked by another if she liked her dress. The first answered:  “I wouldn’t wear it, but it’s ok on you”

NEXT: Healthy Trusting (Part 1)

ACoAs: PATTERNS of Mistrust (Part 1)

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protect heart
I HAVE TO PROTECT MYSELF AT ALL COSTS
– even if it keeps me from being loved!I

PREVIOUS: UNDER-Trusting (Part 3)

 

IMP:
We are not to blame for being deeply mistrustful of everyone.
But we also need to be clear about how we perpetuate the patterns created by our trauma so we can stop beating ourselves up, feeling ashamed, & limiting our options. (CDs: INFO & the Brain)
Instead, we can try out new internal beliefs & external actions.

• We have experienced many, many betrayals by the important people in our life – from family, friends, spouse, school, church or government. Some or all of these betrayals are so extreme we may never be able to forgive, regardless of what the ‘gurus’ tell us.
This is not to deny the benefits of forgiveness – just that if we can’t do it (yet) but believe we should, ‘or else’, we unfairly add to our self-hate & sense of failure.

PATTERNS* of Mistrust
* All of these are being generated by the WIC in an attempt to protect ourself from further harm, but are totally unsuccessful, since they prevent us from getting the closeness & love we so desperately need – AND have a right to. And all are forms of control – based on trying to stave off more PMES abandonment.

a. FAKE MEWIC pretending
We clearly got the message that who & what we were as a child was unacceptable to our parents. So as adults, when interacting with others, the WIC in dress-up tries to ‘improve’ our personality by twisting in unnatural avatars – into something we think some present-day person or group is going to want or find acceptable

• We spend a lot of time trying to figure out “how I should feel”, “what I should wear”, “what I’m going to say”…… & never get it quite right, because it’s artificial. Of course, if we’re being run by our WIC, we don’t know who we are or how to relate from a place of empowerment, so it’s very hard to be healthy and safe at the same time

b. LABELING
Some of us decide at the beginning of a relationship (potential friend or lover) what kind it’s going to be, without having enough information about the other person or giving it enough time to develop organically.
We may think: “THIS ONE IS :
• just going to be a friendship
• just for sex
• isn’t going to last
• just casual
• permanent  / ‘the one’
• the one I can’t live without
• I’ll love forever”……

Again, we’re trying to control the outcome to be prepared for the inevitable abandonment we expect.  Preconceived notions may –
• actually create a self-fulfilling prophecy of loss because we prevented it from growing into something positive
• shock us with unexpected results, if we have illusions about it
• severely disappoint all unrealistic expectations
• occasionally surprise us by turning into something better than hoped for

c. PARANOIA
Because we were so often hurt as a child, we conclude that for the rest of our lives everyone** will inevitably do us harm, sooner or later.  So we assume the worst of anyone we meet, men and women, although some of us may be more afraid of one gender than another, depending on which parent was more consistently damaging or crueler.paranoid

• We actually scan our environment for the potential danger we’re sure is there & – of course – we find it.
• We ALSO ignore all the neutral or positive people & things around us, so we can maintain our ‘story’ that “The whole world is dangerous”, in order to validate our childhood trauma

** This is our reaction even with people who have consistently proven to treat us well, making it hard to benefit from anyone who can be there for us – in healthy ways

d. OVER-TRUSTING (recent post)
Everyone tells us about themselves, subtly or not, yet we ignore all the unhealthy things we hear & experience about people we ‘need’, staying too long at the party & getting trampled. Then wonder why we can’t trust!

NEXT: Patterns of Mistrust (Part 2)

Mind-Reading vs. INTUITION (Part 2a)

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intuition 1


I JUST KNOW IT –
but I don’t have any proof

PREVIOUS: MIND-READING – 1b

Review Mind-reading, 

1. MIND-READING

2. INTUITION
DEF: INTUITION =  It’s like overhearing a conversation in a language we’re not fluent in but can still get the gist of what’s said. It’s the ability to maneuver within our beliefs & knowledge, giving us a relative awareness of where we are on the map of life
PS: Inspiration is seeing the whole path we need to travel on the map

Intuition is complex – mostly it’s being tuned-in to the world around us – & beyond – picking up info without any obvious source
🔺For some it’s a gut feeling
🔺For others it’s the universe giving them a gentle nudge
🔺For still others it’s the answer to a prayer or a whisper from God

Intuition is an innate survival tool, a compass & a tether connecting us to our environment. It doesn’t have to be supernatural – it is most often a subliminal accumulation of what others are saying, feeling or doing (their T.E.As) & storing it for future reference (see pt. d)

SO – Intuition is in us & comes from us, but is about everything outside of us – the opposite of Mind Reading.
✶ When cultivated, it bypasses or counters certain of our ACoA damage!

a. In the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory (MBTI), the second of 4 levels is “Sensate vs Intuitive”, which has to do with one’s style of gathering information about the world.
From MBTI Posts :
🟢 S = ‘I need to work thru a problem to see a result’. Fun: This was great for the price. Communication: Specifics
• At one extreme are the Sensates (S) who need proof of everything, literal & practical. They prefer hands-on, here-&-now tangible experiences, only believing what they can see & touch. They are about 70% of the US population & are considered ‘hard-nosed’ by their opposites

🔴 iN = ‘I see results/solutions to problems at the beginning’. Fun: This just gave me a great new idea! Communication: Big picture
• At the other end are the Intuitives (iN) who ‘just know’. They look for meaning, possibilities & relationships among things (the gestalt). They like to put things in a theoretical framework, seeing things holistically. They comprise about 30% & are considered ‘flakes’ by the S. (See all 4 levels)

NOTE: Whichever side a person prefers is important because MBTI’s 3rd level : “Thinking vs Feeling” then bases decisions on it.

✶ Most people don’t live at the extreme ends of this level (S vs N). But when 2 people in any kind of relationship DO, it is one of the most difficult discrepancies of the 4 levels to overcome.
They never really ‘get’ each other.  This is often a problem between many men (Ss) & women (iNs). But it’s especially hard when an extreme S mother has a very iN child – she’ll likely negate the child’s way of understanding its environment, making the child doubt its perceptions, even its sanity –  especially if the mother is also a narcissist.

b. As Children
• From birth, kids have a capacity for seeing & sensing things that many adults are unaware of. This is an important instinct for them, since they’re so vulnerable & don’t yet have language.  Infants mirror what we present to them, especially our emotions.

EXP: When a mother takes a slow, deep breath each time she feels tension, either in herself or from the infant, it teaches the baby to do the same. She’s creating & reinforcing the state of anxiety – without ever saying a word!
• Equally so, children who comfortably spend time contemplating & exploring their thoughts & feelings without interference, will develop self-awareness & the intuitive abilities that come from this inner knowledge

•  The absorption capacity of intuition, so highly developed in kids, allows us to assimilate our parents’ inner feelings as much as their overt messages. The combination becomes the Introject – which is only negative if our parents were mentally &/or emotionally unhealthy

Exp:  A friend remembers one evening when she was 6 or 7, sitting with her dad in the living room while he was reading the paper. For no apparent reason she asked him who Lydia was.  He looked at her puzzled but didn’t answer. Many years later she found out that he was having an affair with a Lydia back then, but at that time no one in the family knew about it.  What had she been ‘picking up’ on? – A smell? his guilt? his residual pleasure?

NEXT: INTUITION – 2b

MIND-READING vs Intuition (Part 1b)

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illusion
YOU DON’T KNOW ME!
I know I’m right

PREVIOUS: Mind-Reading  (Part 1a)

 

1. MIND-READING (M-R)
a . Meanings (cont)

CONTINUING this kind of M-R keeps us:
• Internally – attached to our dangerous family // anxious & needing to isolate
• Externally – suspicious of everyone’s motives // missing out on all the good people & opportunities that present themselves

Reality: Instead of making up someone with our mind-reading ‘talent’= our fantasy, we need to stay awake for who is healthy & who isn’t.
Once we clearly see an un-recovered person’s toxic pattern – from having many painful encounters with them –  it’s time to stop giving them the ‘benefit of the doubt’!

EXP of NOT mind-reading:
I taught my 12-week ACoA course “Knowledge is Power” over 10 years. Reaction from students varied widely in every class.   Some listened intently, taking notes & asking questions.  Others seem disinterested – they fidgeted, yawned, fell asleep, got mad, or stopped coming.

Regarding the latter group – IF I had been prone to mind-reading, I would have assumed the ‘disinterested’ people indicated the ‘truth’ – that I was a boring speaker, gave complicated or worthless info & generally wasted their time – the LIEs thatScreen Shot 2015-08-30 at 11.33.21 PM the bad voice whispers!

➼ However, I know I’m a good teacher, that my material is important & useful, & have been told by many students that the course greatly improved their lives.

I also know that some people were very tired (especially being an evening class), some had ADD & so usually have trouble sitting still for 2-3 hours, but most of all –  the class material brought up a lot of difficult awarenesses & intense pain, so that some people just wanted to opt out.
Actually – their seeming lack of interest was ALSO a validation of my work! So there – PP! See – Little One??

b. A Variation
Another way mind-reading can show up is projecting our wishes, needs & tastes onto others.  It’s not a strict interpretation of the definition, but is the same aspect of the child’s narcissism – ‘I am you & you are me.’  It’s still based on OUR personality, not on who the other person is.

INSTEAD OF nurturing us, our family:
• over-controlled us               •  expected us to be little adults
• demanded we be perfect and without needs – so they wouldn’t have to deal with us
• didn’t guide us, so we had to fend of ourselves, without much training!
worried childThis background formed another version of the familiar ACoA Dilemma :
✓ As kids – we had to take care of ourself – not always in material ways, but definitely emotional & often mental, which gave us the message we weren’t worthy of being taken care of – SO
✓ As Adults – we believe we should not / cannot care for ourselves, copying their lack of care, which became lack of permission to focus on ourself

i. Their CONTROL – WIC projects that everyone is like our parents, who were totally wrapped up in their own worries & addictions. They expected us to figure out what they needed & then provide it. This was either said or implied, but we got the message.
☁︎ So we assume everyone else also wants / needs us to do that

• And we were punished for not getting it right!  Either directly, by them berating or hitting us, or just by continuing to be drunk, crazy, mean, depressed….
This left us with a deep well of anxiety – fearful that we’ll always “get it wrong” but not knowing what to do or how to be to please them

ii. Our CONTROL – now we’re the ones being controlling – trying to make everyone & everything around us SAFE so we can feel less terrified, by making sure they have all their needs met – by us. The assumption is that everyone is as weak, needy, incompetent, scared, sick…… as our parents were

The WIC is convinced that when we fix whoever we’re with, they will :  protect us, never leave us,  take care of us, love us …. if only we work hard enough to get it right. Unfortunately, as long as we let our Adapted Child pick relationships, they’re going to be unhealthy, just like our family!

NEXT: Mind-reading #1c

MIND READING vs. Intuition (Part 1a)

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mind-readingIS IT REAL OR…..
am I just projecting?

PREVIOUS: Healthy RISK

POSTS: “Symbiosis & ACoAs”
• “How ACoAs Abandon Others”

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

1. MIND-READING (M-R)
a. Meanings
This is one of the many Cognitive Distortions (CDs) that plague ACoA & alcoholic thinking :
♦︎Expect yourself to know what others are thinking, without them having to tell you, and
♦︎ Magically assume you know how someone’s feeling, or what they need or want – from you —> so you can provide it!
AND
♦︎ expect others to know what we need, feel & think, without having to tell them.

This CD is a form of symbiosis, (opposite of S & I), the WIC’s desperate desire to stay connected to others — the same way an infant needs the mother to KNOW what the baby needs & feels.
In a healthy family mindreadingthis is provided, which allows the child to form a safe internal base. Then they can outgrow the need to be intertwined & rely on themself.

ACoA impulse to Mind-Read is :
• knowing from experience that our parents did not love us unconditionally & so assume everyone else will feel the same way toward us
• being raised in an environment where the adults hardly ever talked to us, or evaded admitting what was happening, so we couldn’t know what others were thinking or feeling
AND
• growing up in a family where emotional & mental honesty was missing (lying, hypocrisy), so we had to guess at reality
• our fear of separateness – if we ‘know’ what someone is thinking then we’re permanently joined (intertwined), to stave off the bitter loneliness of the WIC
• needing to protect ourselves at all times from the ‘dangerous’ world by ‘figuring out’ what to expect – always
AND
• not taught how to gather info correctly, we make things up. We’re not allowed to ask AND assume we won’t get the truth anyway
• trying to figure out how to behave (if I “know” what you’re thinking I can adjust my actions accordingly)

🦠 Mind-reading is completely about us – not about the person or group we’re referring to. Because it’s not based in reality, it does the opposite of what it’s supposed to accomplish.
Instead of keeping us attached & safe, M-R insures staying at a distance in a fantasy fog, separating us from the rest of humanity, which reinforces our sense of alienation.  No wonder ACoAs feel like we ‘don’t belong anywhere’, even when in a room full of other ACoAs!

M-R also means WE :
♦︎ are sure someone is reacting badly to or thinking negatively about us, without any real evidence… often contrary to what the other person actually feels, says or does….
SO OUR:
✧ S-H becomes “Nobody likes me”
✧ FoA becomes “She would never spend time with me”
✧ paranoia becomes “I know they’re talking about me”
✧ fear of rejection becomes “She’ll be too busy to help me”
✧ perfectionism becomes “They all thought my _____ was awful”
✧ lack of boundaries becomes “The boss expects me to be just like her!”

angry guyMe, me, me!  M-R completely erases others, as if they didn’t have separate identities, minds of their own OR had other things to think about besides us!

EXP: Paul sits anxiously in a 12-step meeting, raising his hand but not getting called on.  He’s convinced the speaker is deliberately avoiding him – “she must not want to hear what I have to say… she doesn’t like me… she thinks she’s better than me…”, so Paul sits & fumes.

Reality: If Paul had asked the speaker about this, he would have been told: “I’m sorry, I saw your hand, but just didn’t get to you.  It’s so hard to pick – you want to include everyone, but there’s just not enough time.”

EXP: If your therapist yawns or seems distracted – you assume he / she is bored with you.
Or if you get invited to a dinner party, you’re sure they only invited you to make up the seating numbers.

Reality: You’re therapist was up all nite with a sick child or has a bad headache! AND, you were invited to dinner because the hostess likes you & knows you’ll be a great addition!

NEXT: MIND-READING vs Intuition – 1b

Unrealistic Expectations – OVER (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,


WHAT DO YOU MEAN
you don’t know what I need?

PREVIOUS: Unrealistic Expectations (Part 1)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

REVIEW post: “Symbiosis & ACoAs”


What ACoAs SHOULD NOT expect…. (cont)
A. ….of OURSELVES (cont.)
1. Unrealistic Recovery beliefs  (Part 1)

2. Staying Attached : WE WANT to stay connected to even the most abusive family members & believe it’s our fault when that never seems to work out in our favor
• many ACoAs still have the illusion that if only we are perfect, ‘good’, successful, smart, care-taking of them…. enough – our addicted, self-centered, self-hating, severely damaged parents or substitutes (spouse, boss, adult-child….) will finally accept & love us just the way we are – so we never have to let go & grow up (love ourself)barren tree

• even the smartest of us may harbor a secret hope that one day our parents &/or siblings will ‘get well / ‘see the light’… for themselves. We want them to get better, because we know they’re suffering, BUT we also want it for them so we can stay safely connected

• some of us have a parent who does eventually enter AA, & may become less abusive in some ways – but unless they also do at least some FoO work, their narcissism still shows, so they’re not going to be the parent we always wanted

• we’re so desperate to get their approval that we refuse to see how incapable of love many of them really are – especially if they throw us a crumb once in a while.  Walking away or pulling back from such people entails “Crumb withdrawal”!
• when they hurt us yet again, we either suck it up & use our own addictions to numb the pain OR we turn it completely on ourselves & become depressed, non-functioning & suicidal – for some time after any encounter with them

B. (not expect) ….of OTHERS
1. To be Rescued: WE WANT too much from others, which is the WIC’s demand that somebody make up for what we didn’t get from our parents. Yes, demand. We know this because of the hurt & rage that comes up when we don’t get the care & attention we so desperate long for – but rarely verbalize. The bigger the disappointment, the greater the helpless rage
• This seems obvious with Compliers, by hooking up with Rescuer ACoAs, who will do way too much for the ‘poor helpless victims’, so we don’t even have to ASK
• It’s less obvious with Isolators, who don’t seem to need much, if anything. They have the same longing, if not more so, but are even more afraid & filled with shame to let anyone see how weak & needy they are. So they keep ‘starving’.
And waiting – for a miracle – which they think they don’t deserve anyway, & don’t really believe will ever come. But they still wait – instead of getting some of what they need for themselves

• Even harder to see is that Rescuers also want to be rescued. They’re not allowed to be given to – either, but under all their care-taking is the intense demand they secretly have of the rescuee: “Pay me back for all the hard work I’ve put into you…make me feel appreciated, capable, loved, needed, smart, valued…. and most of all – get well so you can take care of ME!”

2. To be Symbiotic: WE WANT / expect others to treat us the way we would treat them (a symbiotic wish) – as if everyone is our identical twin. ACoAs will often say things like:
• “But, I would never do that to them!”
• “I don’t understand how she could have said that?!”
• “They can’t really be that dumb/ mean / selfish/ careless…”
• “I don’t understand how she could not like that!”symbiosis

🔎 “Excuse me”? They’re not you!
It should be obvious, but clearly it isn’t – that they have separate bodies, separate experiences, separate minds, separate tastes … so why do we still expect them to be like us?!
• When we think that way we’re reacting the same way our parents treated us – as extensions of themself, rather than as separate beings. That’s our narcissism.

NEXT: Unrealistic – OVER #3

Relationship FORM B. (Part 3)

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WHEN I’M HURT I DON’T WANT TO ‘keep the focus on myself!’

PREVIOUS: FROM B. (#1)

 

REVIEW: KtFoY (keep the focus on yourself), in Part 1


Relationship FORM B
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHEN YOU ___________________________________________
I FEEL  _______________________________________________
& BELIEVE THAT I AM ____________________________________
These are my thoughts & feelings, which are not your fault, and which
you’re not responsible for.
HOWEVER, I’D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD ______________________________________________________
WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO TRY THAT? ___________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EXP 2.
WHEN YOU (As) – spend too much time talking to other people (especially to ___) when we’re out together
I FEEL (Es)  – invisible, disrespected, humiliated, angry, hurt, lonely
& BELIEVE THAT I AM (Ts) – not attractive, not desirable, boring, a burden to you
These are my …
HOWEVER, I’d APPRECIATE it if YOU WOULD (As) – pay more attention to me, include me in your conversations, show people I’m important to you, maybe even brag a little about me to others… 🙂
WOULD YOU BE WILLING….?

RESULTS
Re. US
• ACoAs unconsciously expect others to know our needs without having to say anything. This is ‘mind-reading’ & not kosher to expect. It comes from the WIC, whose needs were not met sufficiently at a very young age, when we genuinely needed mom, or someone, to consistently know what to do for us, especially before we could talk.

🗝 NOW we refuse to ask for what we want & need – not just because we’re not ‘allowed’ but because that wounded part of us insists (unconsciously) that if we have to ask – whatever we get doesn’t count!
What the WIC doesn’t realize if that ADULTS are supposed to ask.

• Although our intense anger & hurt is from inside, we can have a ‘legitimate beef’ if the other person consistently disappoints or abuses. It will take some work for ACoAs to know the difference – by identify our specific needs and human rights, speak up for the WIC from the UNIT

Re. THEM
• If you’re dealing with an older child or teen – the way to handle them will be quite different. You’ll need to be more assertive but not punitive, & may need to insist they ‘behave’ by your rules.

a. But if you’re dealing with a self-centered, immature, narcissistic adult, they’re not likely to do as you ask – even if they promise to.
With anyone who is that heavily ‘armored’, you probably won’t get anywhere.
They may not even be willing to look at the ‘dumb’ form you worked so hard to fill out!

• In that case the purpose of the Forms A. & B. is for YOU to be clear about the issue, & stay awake to who / what you are dealing with.
You may have to decide to distance yourself, if not physically, then emotionally.
Save every form, & fill a new one out each time a new ‘issue’ comes up, for you or from them. Only show them to someone trustworthy, like a sponsor or therapist. The forms are NOT to be used to beat someone up, or to hold resentments

b. re. their annoying or harmful actions, such as —
• at home : ruining furniture, breaking objects, throwing important things out…..
• in public : revealing too much, over-explaining, not answering direct questions…..
• inter-personally : promising but rarely coming thru, not listening, not holding up their end of responsibilities…..

✒︎ ….  one possibility is that the person has ADD, OCD, dyslexia, serious depression… & isn’t getting the right treatment for it.  So they may not be able to stick to an agreement, even if they want to.

EITHER WAY: If the person balks – at listening to your request, at considering it or at actually doing something differently – it’s important to ask “why not”:
✓ is it the way you’re stating the request or need?
✓ what would it mean to them to comply? the personal cost?
✓ what worries them about your request?
✓ can they give you an alternative action they are willing to do – but only if it’s legitimate and acceptable to YOU – for you to consider?

• Of course, if they listen with an open heart, you have a chance at getting some of your needs met
• Even if the person’s response is favorable, don‘t expect miraculous shifts.  We all take time to change. Be willing to remind then, nicely!

Start the sentence with “Please, would you … / Do you remember you said you would be willing to…’ , rather than angrily:
“You never… / Why haven’t you… / You promised to…”!

• ALSO, you may need to be more assertive, more pro-active, more visible – to not be a victim of other people’s personalities & / or their damage.  🪒 ASK, ASK – nicely!

NEXT: ACoAs – Being Visible – #1