acoa recovery

Positive Character: SOCIAL IQ

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  positive characterIT’S TIME TO ”ADULT” 
– wherever I am

PREVIOUS:  Knowledge #2

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

 

✿ ACCOUNTABILITY 
“The buck stops here” ∼ Harry S. Truman.
It may be called the ‘ultimate responsibility‘ because it can’t be shared – it’s the obligation to bear the consequences of any action, & especially for failure to perform as expected. It includes striving to express our highest values in whatever we do, aspiring to be our best in all interactions.
accountable
Re. work: each person responsible for the tasks & functions essential to our role or position
Re. relationships: admitting & owning our motivations, words & actions – but not more than that (opposite of co-dependence)
EXP: • being clear & direct  • being trustworthy • not blaming others  • doing things the right way & for the right reason

✿ DISCRETIONdiscreet
Recognizing & avoiding any attitudes, words & actions that could create unpleasant or undesirable consequences. It includes being tactful – avoiding embarrassing situations, not upsetting others, good at keeping secrets, & not attracting inappropriate attention to ourself. Respectful of taboos, not being sucked into what we know is unhealthy or illegal – for ourself or in general
EXP: • choose our words carefully  • don’t make fun of others  • have good manners • thoughtfully consider criticism   • turn down any invitation to do what we know is socially or morally wrong

✿ PERSUASIVENESS (being effective)
The ability to gently maneuver “vital truths around another’s mental roadblocks.” Appeal to someone’s reason, values, beliefs or emotions, in order to convince them to adopt a particular belief or pursue a specific action to their benefit – without doing harm to them or ourself.
Having legitimate influence over others (parent, teacher, boss…. ) allows us to live more in line with what’s suitable, instead of what others want us to do or be
EXP:  • appeal to a person’s conscience in terms of their best qualities  • don’t argue or bully in order to convince someone  • don’t stretch the truth (lie) to make it more attractive  • point others in the right direction   • wait for the best time (have good timing)

✿ PUNCTUALITY
Having a good sense of timing & foresight, with the ability to plan ahead.  Consistently being on time shows that we’re the master of our life & therefore can be counted on.
It shows up as completing required tasks or fulfilling obligations before or by the time it’s due, being on time for appointments AND being prepared on arrival.  It’s knowing when our responsibility ends & someone else’s begins (boundaries), while showing respect for others’ time & plans.
EXP:
• be at the right place at the right time   • don’t make people wait for us  • don’t fall into the trap of “just one more”  • prepare for unexpected delays  • plan a daily schedule and keep it

✿ RECEPTIVITY
receptiveBeing ready & willing to gladly receive all the beneficial & beautiful things life has to offer. Notice whatever positive situation is unfolding in the present moment, taking in what’s available, & making the best use if it. Absorb & hold new suggestions or concepts quickly & easily, open to reasonable arguments, ideas, or changes.  Not having to fight for or be pushy about getting what we want.
EXP:
• accept people for who & what they are   • be grateful for what we have • be willing to receive when it appears  • patiently wait for things to develop

✿ SENSITIVITY / EMPATHY
Show consideration & personal concern for others. Consider things from someone else’s point of view. Be able to pick up on others’ actual attitudes, motives & state of mind (not mind-reading but rather from careful observation).  Understand & identify with the emotions of others – as a direct result of having access to a wide range of our own emotions.in their shoes

Making other people feel comfortable. Being able to fit into different social situations. Don’t decide about someone based only on one interaction, & don’t let our own fears or prejudices get in the way of how to treat them.  EXP:
•  do not feel sorry for yourself • have a deep appreciation for & acceptance of another’s point of view   • make it easy for people to click with us   • read body signals, tone of voice & facial expressions  • say supportive & comforting things to someone in pain

NEXT: Positive C. – Humanity #1

Positive Character: KNOWLEDGE (Part 1)

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 I CAN NOTICE WHAT SUITS ME
without being judgmental

PREVIOUS: Character: Traits & Contrasts

SITE: “Brave New Kitty” blog – re FoO, Recovery….

◉ ATTENTIVENESS
 a. The trait of being cautious – appropriately alert to possible danger (not paranoia) for ourself & our loved ones
b. Staying in the ‘now’, listening to the ‘still small voice’ in ourselves & from H.P.
c. Indicates the worth of a task or situation by being alert, interested, observant & giving it undivided concentration

d. Recognizes the value of others by giving them listening ears, respect, courtesy & focus – not just about our own needs & wants.
Paying attention to what’s really important to ourself, as well as to others, by noticing details of words & actions
EXP:
• ask questions if we don’t understand  • don’t distract from a situation by shifting attention to ourself  • don’t drift off   • look at people when they speak to us  • sit or stand upright

◉ CREATIVITY (originality, ingenuity)
Approach a need, task or idea from a new perspective. Create something new (a product, a solution, a work of art, a novel, a joke…) that has some kind of value.  A love for putting disparate things together that at first don’t seem to fit – but later the connections are obvious. Always curious about the physical world & relationships, as well as about the inner world of ideas & emotions.
creativeBeing playful, childlike & full of wonder, not rushing to solve a problem, taking time to imagine & dream. Not being run of the mill, not afraid to be different or have to play by the rules.

EXP:
• always look for alternative ways of doing things • have novel solutions to tricky problems  •  look for a better way to live
• the mind constantly challenges the status quo • see things from more than one perspective • use sound principles to solve puzzles • use ones talents for good to self & others

◉ CURIOSITY (novelty–seeking, open to experience)
A drive to know new things, finding many subjects & topics fascinating, always exploring & discovering. Having wonder & admiration for a wide range of info.  Able to access the Healthy Inner Child, who has wonder & admiration for everything – even when it doesn’t like something.

creativeCuriosity helps to shed light on personal issues & troubles by motivating us to uncover big truths & subtle nuances of our inner & outer life. It makes us want to discover things for ourself, not just take someone’s word for it. It is helped by self-control, perseverance & emotional security
EXP:
• ask more questions and trust fewer assumptions  • be open to new possibilities  • only stop asking Qs when we’ve gotten the info we need or want  • can tolerate difficulties or injuries from trying out something new

◉ DISCERNMENT / JUDGMENT (objective thinking, NOT being judgmental)
.
Able to see the deeper reasons behind situations & events. Think shrewdly, sift through conflicting or confusing facts, & choose the best alternative.
Examine things from all sides and not jump to conclusions. Able to change one’s mind in light of new & appropriate evidence, weighing all info fairly. Form the best opinion of a person or situation.

Question things that don’t make sense, ask for the source of info & explore it in more depth. Grasp & understand what is obscure. NOT be critical (discernment is noticing things, while critical is being unkind).
Moral wisdom includes the ability:evaluate
➤ to evaluate a situation or person (putting a value on it) by observing attitudes, communications, & repeated patterns

➤ to judge / choose the healthiest option available, reaching an appropriate decision about what to do or not do – given the desire for a good outcome.
EXP: • ask questions  • consider possible outcomes   • don’t judge hastily  • don’t repeat mistakes  • know what is helpful vs. harmful  • learn from experience • search for value  • trace problems to their cause.

NEXT: Character – Knowledge #2

Character TRAITS & CONTRASTS

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character THE MORE I KNOW
the better I can manage my life

PREVIOUS: What is Character (#2)


See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

POSITIVE TRAITS + Contrasts
The book “Character Strengths and Virtues” 2004, by Christopher Peterson & Martin Seligman, provides a renewed focus on the science of character – the research community’s first attempt to identify positive human traits.  The authors defined character strengths (CS) as the pathway to virtues which are valued by moral philosophers & religious teachers.

• This CHART is for us to ponder, identify & then own all Character Strengths that fit us & that we allow ourself to acknowledge. List examples of each these positive traits that apply based on your life experience. Get suggestions from a trusted ally, if needed.

• The 1st column lists Positive Characteristics & then contrasts each with 3 variations.  If you identify mainly with columns 2, 3 or 4, you then can see what Healthy traits you can work towards, rather than just giving up as being hopeless.
You may want to print out this form & check off the traits you identify with – in the narrow white columns. Use a gradient of 1 to 5 for each, 1 being weakest, 5 the strongest.
⬇️ CATEGORIES : 1. Wisdom & Knowledge  2. Courage
3. Love  4. Justice  5. Temperance  6. Transcendence

NOTE : the next few posts are a sample list of character qualities, divided into themes. You can add to the list or change the category you think each fits into, as it makes sense to you.

NEXT: Positive Character – Knowledge, #1

Dimensions of CHARACTER (Part 2)

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MY CHARACTER STRENGTHS
come from my genes & my family life

Previous: Dimension of C, Part 1

Take: ‘Big 5 Personality Test’

 

The “O.C.E.A.N.” scale:
These “Big 5” personality factors are broad dimensions based on research, & includes influences from both heredity (H) & environment. Studies of twins suggest the combination contributes in roughly equal proportions.

OPENNESS to experience (H = 57%) Re. Culture, Originality, Intellect
• Inventive / curious <—to—> Consistent / cautious
curiousa. high ‘O’ scorers have strong intellectual curiosity, sensitivity to beauty, a preference for novelty & variety, tolerance for & active exploration of the unfamiliar, & hold liberal or unconventional beliefs.
These people are generally more creative, more aware of their Es, open to new & different values, belief & attitudes.

b. lower scorers see themself as “down to earth”, more reserved, conventional, traditional & conforming. They prefer the plain, obvious & straightforward – rather than the complex, ambiguous or subtle. Generally more analytical & resistant to change, they view the arts & sciences with suspicion, as a waste of time or uninteresting.  At the extreme —> they’re closed-minded, provincial, dull, literal-minded, inflexible.

CONSCIENTIOUSNESS  (H = 49 – 61%) Will to Achieve
•  Efficient / organized <—to—> Easy-going / careless
a. high ‘C’ scorers are: self-disciplined, dutifully, orderly, cautious, prompt, like to be in control, regulate & direct their impulses & tend to be thought-provoking.
They’re : organized, efficient, persistent – aiming for achievement using definable measures or outside expectations. Generally regarded as responsible & reliable.serious
• At the extreme they may be stoic, methodical, cold – becoming compulsive perfectionists & workaholics.

b. lower Cs are more laid back & spontaneous, not as organized or driven to succeed & take it ‘a day at a time’.
• At the other extreme (very low C) – may be lazy, sloppy, careless & have poor impulse control (make a mess of things, shirk duties…).
Can easily be gullible, compulsive followers & put the needs of others before their own.
Very low ‘C’ is linked to antisocial & criminal behavior.
Low ‘C’ + low ‘A’  is associated with substance abuse

EXTRAVERSION (H = 54%) ‘Surgency’ (intense emotionality) : dominant, self-confident, competitive, decisive
• Outgoing / energetic <—to—> Solitary / reserved
intro-extroa.  high ‘Es’ are friendly & cheerful, easily feel pleasant Es (capacity for joy, relaxation, fun, seeing the lighter side…), energized by being with other people.
They’re action-oriented, preferring all forms of group activities, social events, lots of friends & acquaintances, loud music…

They’re assertive, likely to say “Yes!” or “Let’s go!” to opportunities for excitement as well as learning. Love to talk & get attention. Easily bored, with a need for constant stimulation, they may become followers just to have company (<——> opposite of introversion)

AGREEABLENESS  (H = 42%) Accommodation
• Friendly / compassionate <—to—> Cold / unkind
a. high ‘As’ tend to be caring, cooperative, sympathetic, with a general concern for social harmony. They’re usually considerate, friendly, generous, helpful, willing to compromise, considerate of others’ feelings, & have the ability to forgive.
extrovert‘As’ are trusting, & easily form bonds with people because of an optimistic view of human nature – believing people are basically honest, decent & trustworthy. Being also pragmatic, they allow things to get done without interference

b. At the opposite extreme, Disagreeable people place self-interest above getting along. They’re not usually concerned with others’ well-being & so less likely to extend themself. Sometimes their skepticism about others’ motives make them suspicious, unfriendly & uncooperative. They can be argumentative, strong-willed, stubborn & antagonistic.

NEUROTICISM  (H = 48%) Need for Stability
• Secure / confident <—to—> Over-sensitive / nervous
a. N. measures emotional stability / instability, impulse control, & anxiety levels.
High Ns on the ‘sensitive /nervous’ end are more reactive & so likely to experience painful emotions more easily (anger, fear, sadness, embarrassment, guilt, depression)
They’re prone to unrealistic ideas, psychological distress, excessive cravings or urges, more likely to interpret ordinary situations as threatening & minor frustrations as hopelessly difficult.sensitive

• Painful emotional reactions persist much longer than for other types, so Ns are often in a bad mood. They have trouble evening out Es – which lessens the ability to think clearly, make decisions, or cope effectively with stress.  Can be self-conscious, easily vulnerable, difficult to understand & have less successful relationships.
BOOK: “The Highly Sensitive Person” ~ E. N. Aron PhD

b. At the other end, low Ns are considered well-adjusted – reserved, calm, self-confident & positive. They cope better with stress – less easily upset or reactive, free from persistent painful Es & less likely to feel tense or get rattled.
• However, low levels of emotional distress does not automatically mean being happy (a characteristic of Extroverts). For some, too low ‘N’ can mean being shallow or unemotional.

NEXT: Chart – C. Traits, Contrasts & Opposites

Dimensions of CHARACTER (Part 1)

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THE MORE I OWN MY CHARACTER STRENGTHS,
the more resilient I can be in life

PREVIOUS: Principles of C

BOOK: “Born Entrepreneurs, Born Leaders: how your genes affect your work life” ~ Scott Shane

NOTE: The focus of these posts are the healthy, positive, useful character traits. Naturally we all exhibit the negative version of them as well (some listed in future post), but as we heal from our damage we can express the very best of ourself, especially the more outstanding traits.

IMP: No one has all of these positive qualities in the same proportions or intensity. Our goal is to identify in ourself as many as we can, appreciate them, hone them – as well as accept & strengthen those we are weak in.
✶ DO NOT let Self-Hate be your guide in listing your innate ASSETS!

CHARACTER IS :
Many studies, including those from Positive Psychology, have defined & classified Character, naming it as the key to understanding what makes up a psychologically good life.

1. For RESILIENCE
Michael Baizerman, Professor of Youth Studies at the U of  MINN, writes that Personal Strengths or competencies are associated with healthy development & life success. He calls it “phenomenological resilience,” which can be observed & measured.
resiliance
• From a recent post on Control (Types of Self-Control, #3):  “Ego resiliency”  is the flexible & appropriate expression of self-control, in the face of uncertainty, change & environmental demands. Without it people tend to become over- or under-controlled.”
Baizerman says the following qualities do not cause resilience, but rather allow it to flourish:
• Autonomy : Adaptive Distancing, Humor, Initiating, Internal Locus of Control, Mastery, Mindfulness, Positive Identity, Resistance, Self-Awareness, Self-Efficacy
• Problem Solving : Critical Thinking, Flexibility, Insight, Planning, Resourcefulness

• Sense of Purpose : Achievement motivation, Creativity, Educational aspirations, Faith, Goal direction, Hope, Imagination, Optimism, Special interest, Spirituality, Sense of meaning
• Social  Competence : Altruism, Caring, Communication, Compassion, Empathy, Forgiveness, Responsiveness

predictors2. As PREDICTORS : This list is used by KIPP NYC, a non-profit network of free, public charter schools preparing students for success in college & life.  They’re mainly focused on 7 highly predictive CS, based on Dr. Seligman’s work:
• Curiosity  : Students are eager to explore new things.  Ask & answer questions to deepen understanding.  Actively listen to others
• Grit : Finish whatever they begin. Try very hard even after experiencing failure.  Work independently with focus
• Gratitude : Recognize & show appreciation for others AND for ones own opportunities
• Optimism: Get over frustrations & setbacks quickly. Believe that effort will improve their future

• Self-Control – School work : Students come to class prepared.  They pay attention & resist distractions. Remember & follow directions. Get to work right away, rather than procrastinate
• Self-control – Interpersonal : Remain calm even when criticized or otherwise provoked.  Allow others to speak without interruption. Are polite to adults & peers. Keep temper in check

• Social Intelligence :  Able to find solutions during conflicts with others.  Demonstrate respect for the feelings of others. Know when and how to include others
• Zest : Actively participate.  Show enthusiasm.  Inspire others

3. At WORK :  Another grouping is the DISC Assessment System

D = Dominant personality, also known as type “A”. Outgoing with a strong desire to get things done. Need constant stimulation & activity, becoming easily bored. Natural strengths:
Ds are: • able to juggle priorities  • born leaders  • high achieversDISC
• clear communicators  • don’t accept rejection  •  great multi-taskers • self-motivated  • Get more accomplished than any other type

I  = Inspiring personality, also outgoing 
like the D, but more interested in fun!
Is are:  • creative thinkers   • energetic •  extroverted   • imaginative   •  optimistic  • great at persuading & motivating others  • people oriented  • relationship builders

S = Sweet personality, which says it all. These people love to help others.  Even though they are more reserved than the first two types, they still like to build relationships just like the “I” personalities.
Ss are:  • caring  •  great finishers  •  quality producers  • peace-makers  • sentimental   •  relationship builders   • team builders  •  mediators

C = Cautious personality, always thinking. They’re reserved, task oriented & perfectionists. They may not talk much, but when they do it’s important
Cs are:   • cost-conscious   •  deep thinkers  •  great researchers   •  planners   • quality-driven  •  resourceful    • systematic  •  task-oriented

NEXT: Dimension of C, Part 2

PRINCIPLES of CHARACTER

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IT’S GOOD TO KNOW
what to look for

PREVIOUS: What is Character, Part 2

SITE: 7 Common Character types in Fiction

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

 

PRINCIPLES of Character (C) 

1. Character Strengths (CS) are BASIC
Neal Mayerson (founder of the VIA Institute on Character) says CS are the basic building blocks of the True Self, our essence – the core part that account for being at our best.
• The word “character” comes from a Greek noun for the stamp impressed on a coin.  From that we use the term to mean that individuals have been “stamped” by nature into a complex of mental & ethical traits.

Unfortunately, people often jump to incorrect conclusions about what C traits mean, such as – if someone is sensitive they are therefore weak; if a person is vain they must be shallow …. Groups are also rigidly stamped in a particular way, such as – because of the very real differences between men and women – one group is considered better than the other.  (‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’).

2. C Strengths (CS) are stable, but can & do change
While they are fundamental parts of our personality, these strengths can change in intensity or in focus, depending on predictable life events such as starting a family, unpredictable life events such as a trauma, and deliberate changes in lifestyle.  
• ALSO, some traits may be prominent at one stage in life (being Adventurous but not Compassionate, Socially active but not Discrete…) while other traits may take prominence at other stages, as with experience & maturity (Decisiveness, Cautiousness, Self-control….)

3. CS are inter-dependent
In most situations people will express a combination of CS rather than one at a time. Interactions among strengths may enhance the expression of some but hinder the expression of others.
EXP : it’s hard to be Creativity without some level of Curiosity, or to be Kind without some amount of Bravery…..while being Discrete can limit the ability to be Persuasive, and being Truthful will modify one’s Meekness ….

4. CS can be developed
While we’re born with fundamental & personal CS, we can have them in different proportions (one person will be naturally higher on Courage, another on Cautiousness, one is higher on Ambition, another on Deference….).
Yet the strength of our characteristics can be modified or enhanced with attention, experience & training. People can learn to be more Confident, more Grateful, more Fair, more Open-minded, more Patient….
Specific interventions can have an impact on many CS, such as journaling, emulating others & goal-oriented planning. Persistent practice can break or modify old habits and form new ones

5.  CS can be overused, misused, or under-usedpower abuse
Since we are all molded by our childhood experiences, our fundamental strengths can be repressed & then quickly forgotten, or expressed in unbalanced & harmful ways.
EXP : Creativity can be misused in email spamming, overuse of Curiosity can lead to gossiping, or someone into dangerous locations, under-use of Fairness can lead to conflicted relationships.
Balance and skill are important aspects of mental health

6. CS have important consequences
The result of expressing one’s CS – at their best & from the right motives – is connected to many benefits, such as increased internal happiness & external success.  This may be especially true of our signature strengths – the more intense ones that are energizing & authentic. They’re the True Self strengths we use across many settings & are readily noticed by others.  Over time, research may also reveal that each C. has its own unique effect.
EXP : Perseverance seems to be linked with high achievement (nACH) more than most other character strengths.

7. CS are universaluniversal
Personal Character Strengths (CS) can be found in the most remote cultures & lands, shared by people with differing beliefs, religious affiliations, & political preferences. This makes applying CS more a matter of identifying & then actively using the best parts of us, instead of picking ourself apart.  (from Ryan Niemiec, Psy.D)

NEXT: Dimensions of C.

What is CHARACTER ? (Part 1)

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WHO AM I? my flaws or….

PREVIOUS:  Emotional Maturity

SITE: Personality Types (scroll down)

 

PMES = Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual

ACoAs suffer unnecessarily for many reasons –
– one of which is NOT believing we have any positive qualities. All we can see are the problems created by our False Self, which was developed in reaction to our upbringing, but which we assume is the real us.
Because originally we had such distorted mirroring (seeing ourself only thru the eyes of our dysfunctional caretakers) we deny our natural gifts.

• Yes, we have ‘character defects’, but these are extensions of our S-H & are how the WIC learned to function, rather than what our Healthy Child or ‘Unit’ are capable of. Even so, these gifts do show up in many of our accomplishments throughout adulthood.
The next several posts provide some positive qualities essential for PMES maturity – to ponder, identify & then own!

EXP: Julie chased boys since she was 9 or 10, but she never caught any. By her 30s she was defeated & full of S-H. She told a therapist: “I’m such a pathetic jerk – all this time I’ve been doing the same stupid thing, with the same awful results!”
The therapist replied: “You’re not stupid, pathetic or a jerk – you’re persistent. Now you can focus that quality in a new direction – toward the goal of emotional & mental growth, as well as fulfilling your dreams!”, which Julie eventually did – successfully!
😘
CHARACTER (C):
• DEF: C. is “the stable & distinctive qualities built into an individual’s life which determine his or her response, regardless of circumstances.”
• C. refers to the specific combination of aspects which make a person unique, expressed in their habits, likes, values, dislikes, behaviors….

• Psychologist Lawrence Pervin says that moral character is “a disposition (strong tendency) to express behavior in consistent patterns of functions, across a range of situations.”
• Similarly, academic Arthur S. Adams said: “Good character is the quality which makes one dependable, whether being watched or not.”

• C. is multi-dimensional & must be measured in ways that do justice to its breadth & complexity. It’s made up of specific psychological mechanisms that express the presence or lack of virtues such as wisdom, courage, humanity, justice, temperance, and transcendence.

Positive Qualities expressed in T.E.As.
CURIOSITY
❖ Curiosity Thoughts: “That doctor sounds like she knows what she’s talking about. I wonder if she could help me with my specific problem & if she’s taking on new patients?”
❖ Curiosity Emotions:
• I wanted to ask her a question about ____, but I’m angry that she’s ignoring me
• I want to take this risk, but I’m afraid to try
• I see new possibilities, & it excites me
❖ Curiosity Actions: I went to see the boss. I stood quietly, waiting in line. I asked the teacher questions. I expressed my interest by a smile & leaning forward…..

FLEXIBILITY – The ability to respond easily & appropriately to new or changing Emotional moods or physical conditions in our environment – by changing or modifying actions & beliefs as needed, without great agitation or drama.flexible
Willing to shift our Actions to comply with the plans or ideas given by authority figures who we need to deal with.
Flexible Thinking : Consider a new or different way of ‘seeing’ a person, event or chain of events (reframing).  EXP:
• DO NOT = be stubborn, compromise what’s right, get upset when plans change
• DO = respect the decisions of others, look for the good in changes.

HUMOR  – Laughter is an essential part of a healthy, happy life.   It helps people smile & feel relaxed by seeing the lighter side of things. It can help to manage physical &/or emotional pain, enhancing our immune system & reducing stress.  VALUE – TO:
• take a break every day to laugh, be playful   • not stay discouraged but find what’s already positive in one’s life   • see the foolishness of human self-importance  • treat every job as important • be an energy-giver to others    (POST : “Resilience & HUMOR “)

NEXT: What is Character, Part 2

Emotional MATURITY – Relational, Spiritual

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I CAN SEE THINGS CLEARLY
making all my relationships easier

Previous: Emotional Maturity – Emotional

REMINDER: See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

 

RELATIONSHIPS
a. Re. YOU

• are playful, creative & express your silly, zany side
• can accept your current limitations, & get help as needed
• evaluate legitimate criticism, accepting it gratefully, glad for an opportunity to learn & improve
• can take in genuine love & respect, in big or small ways, without ‘paying’ for it
YOU
world friends• accept responsibility for who you pick to be with & how you act with them, adding to your self-respect
• have sufficient & the right kind of boundaries, by knowing your values, needs & tastes
• can regularly say ‘“No” to harmful requests, or what will over-extend you
• don’t get easily offended, don’t bite when baited, but also let others know what’s acceptable or not
YOU
• form deep relationships with people from other backgrounds, races, cultures, & classes
• genuinely care about others & express that in all you do
• are comfortable being intimate with appropriate people, being approachable & easy to be with
• can relate well with others, connecting in a cooperative & positive way, while knowing you don’t fit with everyone
avoid insulters• know when to be a realistic help to someone vs. when to let go, so they can handle their own life
• thoughtfully evaluate friends & social contacts, avoiding people & situations that push your buttons, but rather pick those who bring the best out in you
• know when to be a realistic help to someone vs. when to let go, so they can handle their own life
• don’t expect special consideration from anyone, but are comfortable being appreciated, thanked & valued

 

b. Re. OTHERS – YOU:
• are friendly & share resources, cooperative with peers & teams, where appropriate
• are are a good listener, without judging, trying to fix or push your own way of doing things
• can ‘confront’ someone when they’ve disappointed or hurt you, using the “I’ form, without attack or blame
YOUgetting along
• can nurture others without rescuing or controlling
• can work inter-dependently with others when required, without having to be the center of attention or dominating others
• cooperate in order to find win-win solutions to disputes. If an answer isn’t good for each party involved, it won’t be good for the relationship
YOU
• aren’t easily fooled by or idealize people or situations that are unhealthy, abusive or just not right for you
• don’t judge others you don’t understand or are very different. Try to learn, connect & be a peacemaker when possible
• empathize with others’ experience & Es, imagining what it’s like to be in their shoes
• forgive others for hurting you, & yourself for any wrongs you’ve done, making amends when possible without shame or self-hate
YOUconflict resolution
• look for the good in others rather than use a critical eye, with compassion
• offer information & make decisions clearly, with respect
• resolve conflict in a clear, direct & respectful way (NO avoidance or put downs, escalating tensions, or going to a third-party rather than to the person directly)
• understand & accept others as they really are, not what you want them to be

5. SPIRITUAL
GENERAL – YOU:
• are are filled with joy & a sense of humor, rather than being wounded because of what others say or do
• an are organic part of a larger whole, contributing your part to each group you’re a member of
• found a meaning in life that gives a connection to all humanity, not just self-interest
spiritual connections• have humility (“I have value but not better than”), rather than humiliated
YOU
• know life is full of uncertainties, but aren’t brought down
• have inner abundance so can be generous & unselfish, which is satisfying
• live by the motto “Don’t quit before the miracle”, so don’t use endless escapes (chemicals, sex, money, food, suicide….)
YOU
• have outgrown the “all or nothing” stage, appreciating the Golden Mean (desirable middle between two extremes, from Aristotle, Confucius…).  Recognize that most people or situations are a combination of good & bad
• some insight & wisdom to see the beauty & value in all of life, in spite of the negatives 
• take care of yourself because you’re precious & God doesn’t make junk

SPECIFIC  – YOU:
• believe in a caring God who is always available, knowing that the Supreme Being is not an alcoholic parent!
• acknowledge & appreciate all the opportunities & help that God has already provided, which support you in surviving or outgrowing your difficulties
• enjoy being alone in quiet reflection with God & yourself (the personal version of daily prayer & meditation)spirit-human connect
YOU
• have a definite set of personal & spiritual principles to live by
• have faith in a Power greater than yourself, & keep that connection current
• obey the spiritual essence of the Golden Rule:  “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself”, while making sure you don’t harm yourself
• pray for guidance & healing, to be given grace & peace, instead of trying to ‘go it alone’
• thank God for all past life experiences, understanding how He has used them to uniquely shape you

NEXT: What is Character #1

Emotional MATURITY – Emotional

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

maturity 3I’M WILLING TO GROW –
beyond my early training!

PREVIOUS: Cognitive & Practical (#1)

SITE: Self-Soothing Hand positions Exercises (helps with PTSD)

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

QUOTE: “We grow sometimes in one dimension & not in another, unevenly….. mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present & future mingle, pulling us backward, forward, or fixing us in the present. We’re made up of layers, cells, constellations.” Anais Nin


Def: Emotional Maturity (EM) is expressed in ways that appropriately fit our chronological age – with increased adjustment, stability & self-regulation.  Psychological Wiki
PURPOSE – is TO:
1. acknowledge healthy qualities we’re already developing, based on personal growth – to appreciate our Recovery progress
2. know what personal goals to work toward
3. know what to look for in others* – lovers, mates, friends, family (adults), bosses…..

✶ ACoAs will say they wouldn’t know a healthy person if they fell over them.
WELL – here are some guidelines – for YOURself & about others! Keep a copy on your phone, desktop & bathroom mirror
PS: As emotional wounds heal & distorted beliefs are corrected, we can claim these EM characteristics, & see many areas of our life gradually improve

soothing handsEMOTIONAL GOALS & ACHIEVEMENTS – YOU:
• accept yourself unconditionally, even for the things that are incomplete, unattractive or need improving
• accept & tolerate anxiety & other uncomfortable Es
• accept & face guilt when breaking family rules
• accept that some stress is part of life, rather than trying to hide, without creating drama.  Can meet emergencies with poise
YOU:
• admit & are able to work through Es (fear, anger, pain…) from traumatic events in your life (divorce, major illness, death, disasters….) rather than pretending nothing’s wrong
• are comfortable expressing Es in a healthy way, from the Adult ego state
• are in touch with a full range of Es. Not afraid to find out what they are at any given moment, but not overwhelmed or driven by them
• aren’t afraid to feel sadness & cry, as well as explore the reasons for it
self-pity• can handle disappointment, so are a good loser, deal with defeat without whining or blame
YOU
• have a reasonable amount of patience at reasonable delays, & have self-control in adversity. Accept you sometimes have to adjust to other people’s convenience, needs or limitations
• have Es in perspective, from a balanced internal place rather than B & W extremes. Accept that “If it’s hysterical it’s historical”
• have mostly outgrown envy & jealousy, being honestly glad when others have success or good fortune
• know how to manage & cope with old or new pain
• let yourself be vulnerable without shame or terror, & can let others see your unsuccessful / soft side, but only when appropriate & with safe people
• recognize anger or rage & express them appropriately, in a way that leads to your growth
YOU
forgive• aren’t overly ‘sensitive’ or touchy, can feel your Es but not so easily hurt
• don’t have to “show off” in socially unacceptable ways to feel important
• don’t require approval from others to feel good about yourself
• don’t need to constantly find fault, but also aren’t idealistic & unrealistic (in denial) about things that are genuinely harmful
• don’t worry about or try to fix things that are beyond your control
• don’t indulge in self-pity (“woe is me”), understanding the law of compensation* operates in all of life.
IMP: Having compassion for ourself & our misfortunes, which are not of our making, is not the same as self-pity, which only blames others for our pain without taking any responsibility for having to heal our wounds

*Compensation: All life is about trade-offs – good for bad, & bad for good. It’s an amend or reward for loss or deprivation. Anything that makes up for the lack or limitation of something else
“As there is no worldly gain without some loss, so there is no worldly loss without some gain:
• If thou hast lost thy wealth, thou hast lost some trouble with it
• If thou art degraded from thy honor, thou art likewise freed from the stroke of envy
• If sickness hast blurred thy beauty, it hath delivered thee from pride
• Set the allowance against the loss and thou shalt find no loss great.”
English Metaphysical poet Francis Quarles (1592 ~ 1644)

NEXT: Emotional Maturity – Relational, Spiritual

Emotional MATURITY – Cognitive, Practical

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

maturity 1

‘I KNOW WHAT I KNOW’
and I’m also willing to learn

PREVIOUS: Emotional Maturity – General

NOTE: As recovering ACoAs, many of us start the maturing process much later in life than we would have if we’d come from a healthy, loving family. This is perfectly understandable.

Therefore, we need to :
• mourn the loss of time & possibilities our damage has stolen from us
• safely express our rage at the unfairness of having to clean up the mess our parents & environment bequeathed us
• consistently work at Recovery, & persevere no matter how hard & long it takes
• keep looking for, finding & accepting appropriate people & support systems that will nurture our growth
• know in our bones that Recovery & therefore EM is a realistic goal for ourself NEVER ‘compare & despair’, since you are NOT someone else!

COGNITIVE – ABLE TO:
• be self-appraising, & comfortable with who you are & what you want in life
• take responsibility for your decisions. Admit when you’re wrong, without being overly guilt- or shame-ridden
• consciously look for the motives behind your own actions, with wisdom & compassion
• face reality, in yourself & in others, the way things are right now (acceptance)
TO:
• decide what you believe, based on experiences & feelings, not on what others say or do – or want of you. Believe “I know what I know”
bla, bla, bla• realize there are many different opinions in the world, & you can’t use others to form your identity
• change your opinions about people or situations when receiving new info
TO:
• accurately chose info from available data, then apply it to make positive decisions for yourself
• mainly use reason to decide how to act. You need Es to say what’s suitable or not – for yourself, but they are not always or automatically to be acted on
• think before acting to be in control of your behavior
TO:
• eliminate magical thinking (grandiosity), unrealistic expectations, projections….
• live with being imperfect & sometimes failing. It does not reflect on your personal value, no matter what you were told as a kid
• thoughtfully listen to others’ opinions. You can understand & tolerate differing views, without diminishing yourself in any way
gaather knowledgeTO:
• accept not everyone will feel the same way about a situation, stimulus or idea as you do
• understand the relationship between core values & Es
• always want to learn new things to improve yourself, making you more effective & useful in the world

PRACTICAL – ABLE TO:
• admit & deal with the consequences of your actions or inactions
• accept when you don’t succeed at something. Figure out what went wrong, learn from any mistakes, & make the necessary corrections – when possible, & without shame
• asses the risks of a potential or planned situation (date, interview…) that you’re already familiar with, OR that you know enough about to evaluate – without projecting negatively.
When assessing possible pitfalls / risks of an upcoming event, do research & then use that info wisely (not impulsive, compulsive)
TO:
• balance family, rest, work & play – without trying to do it perfectly, or do it well all the time
shoot for dreams• be mainly self-reliant in all areas of life, but not isolated or afraid to ask for help when needed
• follow through with things you’ve started, even when it’s hard, but also know when to let go of a hopeless situation
TO:
• know what you want to do with your life & then pursue it with enthusiasm & patience, persevering even when there are obstacles
• plan ahead, being realistic & practical, rather than letting things go ’till the last minute. Use inspiration & intuition when faced with an unexpected problem, but not as a substitute for being prepared
• tackle difficult & demanding situations – even when scared – trusting you can use knowledge & experience, not forgetting past successes
TO:
balancing• take overall responsibility for your own life (& small children), without endless excuses, but not be responsible for the lives or needs of (most) other adults
• use moderation & balance in all things, but allow for extremes once in a while when appropriate
• work hard toward your goals, not compulsively or to the point of exhaustion, but with a reasonable plan that can be modified or enhanced according to circumstances

ARTICLE: “Knowing your Strengths gives you Clearer Direction”

NEXT: Emotional Maturity – Emotional