acoa recovery

Double BINDS – Positive Use (Part 11)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

DBs - contrast

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THERE’S ALWAYS A WAY AROUND
if I only knew how!

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 10)

SITE: “Talking to Toddlers: Double Binds in Parenting Young Kids”
BOOK: ‘Covert Persuasion’ + comments)

Kindle BOOK: “Double-Binds: The DNA of Emotional & Mental Problems, & How to Make use of Their Positive Potential” – John Lentz (DNA = Double Negative Association)

SURPRISE: After all these post on the ‘evil’ of D. Messages & D. Binds – would you believe there are actually ways to use DM for good?
On the one hand they can cause untold suffering.
On the other – the pain can motivate us to transform ourself, if we’re willing to do the work.

• The POSITIVE use of DBs was instituted by Dr. Milton Erickson, as a therapeutic tool. He first learned the art of the DB from his father, who would ask, “Do you want to feed the chickens first or the hogs, & then do you want to fill the wood box or pump the water for the cows first.” The elder Erickson gave Milton a choice of which chore to do first, but the boy was not free to leave the chores undone. Erickson admitted he consented mainly because he chose the order in which he did them.

Erickson & Bateson used positive DBs for spiritual growth, & to confront patients with the contradictions in their life, to help them heal. DBs allow a person to have a set of injunctions which support them in many situations, whichever choice they make.
EXP:”Get enough sleep for your health” AND “Don’t sleep your life away”

PURPOSE: to help people release painful emotions & get past resistance to positive changes. Sometimes they don’t want either choice of a positive bind, even though both are to their benefit. But DBs are one of the most effective indirect language tools for inducing trance, as a way to loosen stuck-ness.

“Invaluable leaps in learning & personal development involve Including positive DBs & Transforming / Transcending negative binding patterns. Often our greatest strengths come from being doubly bound to express both sides. EXP: Steve Jobs could not not innovate.” (From What are Double Binds?)

» It can also induce us to be “completely present” at a difficult time in a relationship, letting go of past situations that resembles this one, in order to consider what our partner needs right now.
The double bind is an opportunity to communicate more effectively, & possibly to become wiser. (MORE…. )

Clinical Hypno-therapist Dr. Jay Stone uses double & triple binds to subtly aid his clients. CHART ⬇️  re. Self-care.
You can apply it to any specific issue you want to work on.
◆  In two-level communication, the conscious mind gets a choice, but the unconscious mind does not

◆  In the triple bind, the person’s conscious mind is allowed to choose how often to apply the lesson, but the unconscious mind has agreed to self-care as soon as the conscious mind made its choice of frequency.
★ ACoAs:
This way of using DBs is very effective with toddlers (see ‘SITE’ above) and is worth learning to use with our WIC, who is usually resistant to more direct forms of change.

WIN-WIN We can learn to create win-wins for ourselves & others, using positive DBs to encourage a desired outcome. This makes both Sender & Receiver right, no matter what they do or say, which is empowering rather than living in anxiety. There are 5 dimensions of the Win/Win model: Character, Relationships, Agreements, Supportive Systems & Processes ⬇️

In Business &/or Parenting Screen Shot 2013-09-08 at 4.29.04 PM
a. In a competitive situation OR in an unhealthy one, where making a safe connection is not possible, Win/Lose is a valid option. (MORE….)

b.When forging a positive relationship is the main focus & goal, Win/Win is the desirable outcome

• In that case, the “Purpose frame” is applicable -the NLP frame used for Chunking Up – to discover the motivation for doing something. It is a way to give the other person what they want (actual need), but not what they asked for (request).

NEXT: DBs – Part 12

Double BINDS – Tools (Part 10)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

THERE IS HELP AVAILABLE – all I have to do is use it!

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 9)


RECOVERING from DBs

😓 Remember the old Gershwin song “Someone To Watch Over Me”? Maybe no one ever did truly watch over you, so you didn’t learn to do it for yourself. NOW is a good time to start – by learning to be the Loving Parent you never had.

While we can’t stop being afraid of making changes in dealing with D.Binders, we can take some preemptive actions.
Before talking to / spending time with a difficult person, you can plan ahead to reinforce yourADULT& PARENT ego states, so that your WIC doesn’t take over when around them :
🔆 PHYSICAL
• get enough sleep the night before, & eat healthily
• take more time to get ready, leave enough time to travel, wear something comfortable
• call a safe person for support. Take a friend with you, if possible
🔆 MENTAL
• talk to you Inner Child before the ‘event’ to prepare him / her. Do the first half of book-ending
• remember – you are NOT the crazy one
• know that you cannot be perfect, because humans aren’t!
🔆 EMOTIONAL / SPIRITAUAL
• do some rage work, if possible, to go with less pent-up rage & frustration
• pray for guidance & inner peace (see Part 12)

REMINDERS 
✦ It’s not you: You are not stupid or crazy. DBs are crazy-making, setting you up in a no-win situation by a damaged /abusive person or system
✦ Trust your gut: If you ‘feel’ something’s wrong, believe it! & if necessary – check it out with someone you trust

✦ Believe in yourself: Be aware of your own power to break free & the intelligence to get out of the dilemma, so you don’t slide into one of the co-dependent roles – Victim, Rescuing the S, or become a Perpetrator
✦ Question the statements: If what you’re being told is self-contradictory, AND you’re supposed to act on both, you know the whole communication is flawed & not to be honored

✦ Threat of or Real punishment: Be sure the person can do you actual harm. You may already have experienced how they react when you don’t fall in line with the craziness, & you survived.
INVENTORY: What form did it take? How did you cope? What was the outcome? What kind of actual power do they have over you in the present? Do they pay your bills, are they in charge of your employment ……?

If not then you definitely have the freedom to ignore the mental games they’re playing. If they do still have some control over your life, you can use suggestions in other posts

✦ Redefine punishment: Yes – the S may get angry & say mean things – but once you believe you’re a good person & you “know what I know” they’re not dangerous to your spirit.
To a child, all forms of abandonment on any PMES level feels intolerable (‘death’) . Besides physical abuse, it includes disapproval, verbal abuse, being ignored & deprived…. But you are no longer a child.

✦ Meet your own standards: Since all DB choices lead to punishment – if you must choose – give yourself permission to pick the side of the bind that fits your personality & circumstances, even if others around you don’t agree
✦ Change the focus: In some cases, you can successfully shift attention outside the double bind (DBs – Part 5b)

✦ Look for allies within the situation: Adults need to go elsewhere for approval, respect, kindness… since the S is not willing or able to provide these. In the medical example (DMs, Part 4b) maybe someone in the doctor’s office can encourage & validate you. Don’t let your fear & shame isolate you.

✦ Get external support: Look for people, groups & activities that help you feel strong, resilient & creative – so you can breathe!
Keep searching until you find outside witnesses or authorities who will believe you & understand the problem

✦ Walk away: It’s a big world AND you have options now.. Teach your WIC that you can get your needs met in abuse-free ways. Keep looking for them using your UNIT.  (MORE….)

NEXT: DBs  (#11) – Uses

Double BINDS – Escaping (Part 9)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

escape DBs
I’M WILLING TO MAKE THE EFFORT
of finding a way out of this tangle

PREVIOUS: DBs – Part 8b

 


ESCAPING DBs – requires:
• flexible thinking – giving up either/or (B & W) limitations
• a capacity to see beyond the obvious
• being curious & creative, willing to take risks
• having the courage to let go of the past & it’s ‘training’

🌱Find your own ways to “leave the field of the DB”. Be creative.
Use multiple visible & meta perspectives, which can make a difficult situation manageable. Distinguish between :
• ongoing life events (career – upper level meaning)
• a specific events (‘fight’ with boss – lower level) and
• the difference between them (the ‘fight’ isn’t going to end your career) you
Pick out positive parts of the DMs you can focus on & ignore the others: “Take what you like & leave the rest”, Al-Anon

🌱 Intense Emotional Attachment – The R’s anxiety of stepping outside the DB is the Fear of Abandonment – losing the symbiotic S&I from Sdependence on the S.

GOAL: become the center of our Adult universe (‘first position’):
• accept & love our Inner Child just as he/she is
• work to uncover our True Self
• practice emotional honesty
• own your strengths & accumulated knowledge

🌱 Doing vs Being – Separate your actions from your identity – they are not the same. We know this because there’s a big difference between how we act from damaged vs how we act from our Healthy Adult / Natural Self

🌱 Look for the Payoff – Our dilemma: while DBs really do trap us & we may complain bitterly about not ‘getting anywhere’, many ACoAs are so used to being stuck & uncomfortable they won’t do anything to change it. What’s familiar FEELS ‘comforting’ – & we hate feeling uncomfortable. SO – which is it? Are we comfortable or miserable in our DB world? Pick a side.

EXP: WIC / ACoA ‘logic’ =: If I’m damned either way, that gets me off the hook. “I’m crazy & irresponsible because my hormones are out of whack OR I’m manic-depressive, OR just plain lazy….”
SO – I don’t have to do hard / painful emotions work, I don’t have to take care of myself & still get to be loyal to the family. Yipeee! – NOT

COMPROMISE – There are always options, & not all compromise is bad! AND not a sign of weakness. It shows you care about someone or something beyond yourself.
• We don’t have to like some that can make the needed shift, but if they help us get un-stuck, they’re worth it. If we stop seeing every situation as all-or-nothing, we often find at least the start of a solution.

Aristotle noted that doing ‘virtuous’ things isn’t fun at first, but can become fun once you get in the habit. And to create the habit we may have to push ourselves. Since many of us are not allowed to be self-motivating, outside help to get past the inertia can be the incentive to get our engine turning over

EXP: we might be given the DB: “Don’t be childish – do what you’re told!” MEANING:
1. act like an adult, AND at the same time
2. be a child & obey, sometimes sweetened with “Besides it’ll be fun / feel good / work out, once you get going”…..
Pick a side – or a 3rd option – & stick to it!

PARADOX – A positive use of paradox can also be an escape from a DB. The Inner Child loves to do the opposite of what it’s told. Right?
• Can’t sleep, but desperately want to?
Decide to stay awake all night, to remove the pressure. You may stay up as long as you want, OR —> just not having to will do the trick, & soon your eyes will close on their own
• Afraid to go to a party?
Decide to only stay for 15 min & then leave. Removing the pressure of having to be on & being acceptable allows you to go, & maybe even enjoy it enough to stay a little longer. Or not. (From “No way out? 3 ways to help….” )

NEXT:  DBs # 10

Double BINDS – Verbalizing (Part 8a)

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say what you mean SAY WHAT YOU MEAN
but don’t say it mean!

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (# 7)

SITEs: “Escaping from the BD“
✦“Double Bind Insults”

 

❤️ SPEAK UP about the Double Bind (DB), because “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” (Al-Anon). DBs can only control us as long as we deliberately ignore our own contradictory beliefs and their contradictory messages (loyalty to toxic family, not trusting our perceptions….), or keep them out of unconsciousness altogether.

🗝 LANGUAGE components help us become aware of embedded “thought viruses” in communication distortions, (Chart in #6a). To stand up to internal or external D. Messages which put is in a D. Bind, we need to know something about the way people express themselves.
✅ Congruent communication – (matching)
All parts of the communication are consistent, agree with each other, fit together, make sense.
But if what you’re ‘Receiving’ is not self-congruent, make sure you do not participate in the S‘s game of control, so you can point it out the best you can
(Communication outlined – many types)

✅ Meaning
Listen for obvious or subtle contradictions in what someone says – or you say to yourself – often in the form of CDs.
Where’s the focus? Is the speaker – or you – talking about Thoughts, Emotions, or Actions?
Do the statements make sense? Are there obvious & hidden meanings?
EXP : What’s being implied when someone says “Even Jimmy got an A on that test!”?

✅ Levels
The function of each level of meaning is to synthesize, organize & direct the interactions on the level below it (ANIMAL – higher, vs cat // Forrest vs tree). Processes on a behavior level are different than those on a mental level.
EXP: Tying someone up would stop them from physically taking revenge, but not from continuing to plan it. In fact, it will often
encourage it. (MORE….)

Learn to discriminate between messages directed to different levels of experience, which automatically helps distinguish different levels of distortion (DMs, #1)
EXP of LEVELS, from highest to lowest : 
(1) identity (2) beliefs & values (3) capabilities (4) behavior (5) environment (6) spiritual = a type of ‘relational field’ that forms a sense of being part of a larger system beyond one’s individual identity.
EXP: “It’s a sin to lie” (2)
but “Don’t tell dad what I bought today” (4 or 6) = implied lying.

✅ Meta-messages – a special type of communication, info provided that can be unspoken but always implied, which the R picks up on but can’t prove.
These come in the form of non-verbal signals – tone of voice, body language, vocal sounds (sigh, grunt…) or facial expressions – which contradict the spoken words (incongruent), sending a D.Message

Notice the small visible changes in unspoken cues when someone’s talking (a frown, inappropriate smile or voice tone, clenched fists, stiff posture …)
IF they’re at odds with the words being spoken. EXP: ACoAs are notorious for telling horrific childhood events while smiling, even laughing!

Paying attention can help identify mixed messages by tracking & sorting various types of verbal conflicts. It will free us to respond differently to Metas that confuse, reducing the power of the DB, & possibly allowing us to give the other person feedback, if desired & appropriate.

ALCOHOLIC RULES: don’t THINK, don’t FEEL, don’t TALK
ACoAs stay trapped in DBs when we hide our fear – from shame, S-H & feeling crazy, assuming others will laugh at or belittle us, cut us off…..

Instead, questioning our beliefs & talking about them weakens the hold DBs have over us.
We can’t afford to let fear & shame stop us! Rather than being lonely & passive victims, speaking THE ‘truth’ (not just our personal beliefs) lets us actively help ourselves, by not isolating with our emotional pain & mental confusion.

• Given the nature of D. Binds, it’s absolutely appropriate & necessary to need other people’ perspective to help us sort out the mess – those few we know to be safe & not caught up in the dilemma we’re fighting to escape. At the very least they can provide company & encouragement! “A burden shared is a burden halved.”

NEXT: DBs – Verbalizing (Part 8b)

Double BINDS – Re-Framing (Part 7)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

sharng food
I CAN SEE THIS ‘MESS’
in a whole new light! 

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 6b)

 

RE-FRAMING (NLP)
• A frame is the focus of attention we give to something (DBs #4a & b).
❖ Re-Framing (R-F) assigns another meaning to any upsetting situation, which helps us identify, interpret & respond to it in new ways.
It’s a powerful tool for solving problems based on assumptions that insure stuck-ness. (See ‘AGREEMENT Frame’)

• Dealing with DBs requires making cognitive leaps by using a broader perspective, by putting toxic communications into a larger context. While re-framing by itself seldom resolves a problem, it offers a way to “softening it” so a solution can be uncovered that’s acceptable, if not always always liked.

Re-framing asks “How can I think about or respond to this differently?”
This shift leads to self-empowerment, which leads to higher functioning & satisfaction, taking us from no-win to no-lose. (MORE…)

• ACoAs are used to feeling trapped (‘Learned Helplessness’), but eventually in Recovery we can come to value the inherent freedom of dealing with OR resolving DBs. (also: Seligman – slideshare ). While we originally experienced DBs as a horrible trap, we can now see them as opportunities to choose what works for us.

As adults we have access to many different feelings (Es) & perspectives (Ts) to life’s events – like how each of us grieves a death differently, or how we show love. This means we can’t be “wrong” when expressing our True Self.
★ Damage is the same for everyone, but our essence is specific to us, so we can learn about & pursue our own style! (Grieving & DBs)

TYPES of Re-Framing
🧩 Context
Figuring out where a ‘problem situation’ or reaction would fit better – the context most appropriate for it, that would make it useful, an asset or skill
EXP: Dancing in the isles in a conservative church / synagogue / mosque would be severely frowned on, but not at a Pentecostal or African-American Baptist church!
🧩Content
Shifting the focus, either to a different part of the problem, & asking: “What else could this mean?”
OR seeing that the same situation can have a variety of meanings – good, bad or different

EXP: Someone was frowning ‘at me’. Were they annoyed with me? OR maybe they were :
• worried about a loved one
• thinking about a problem to solve
• looking at someone/ thing past my shoulder that upset them….—> none of which had anything to do with me!

🧩Value
Changing the meaning of a word or term, often done in marketing, where the same product is given a totally new purpose, a different use &/or presented to new markets.
It can also be the way a phrase is accented, as in the picture
EXP: Many pre-Christmas retailers will say they’ll help you “Pay less” with special deals, but the Berlin lingerie store Blush recommends a ‘smaller’ holiday gift: “Make your loved ones happy with less!”

DB QUESTIONS
Sooner or later we may run into someone who loves to ask unfair or impossible DB Qs – the kind that try to force the answer the (S) wants, no matter which way you answer.
Unless we can step outside the Bind, we’ll be in a catch-22 – angry & possibly humiliated.
These Qs are usually made up of 2 parts: Reference to a ‘bad’ thing or an assumed action PLUS the issue of frequency (★ MORE…. )

The S starts with an accusation OR assumption about you, then asks if you’re ‘still at it’ or ‘will be doing it’.
By framing the Q as closed, you’re expected to only give a Yes/No or other one-word answer, without a chance to address the actual topic
EXP: “Are still lying? / Have you stopped beating your wife? / When do you want to help us? / How much money can you contribute?”….

• RE-FRAMING: The only sane & self-respecting way to handle this kind of verbal trickery is to treat it as if you heard an open question, so that you respond to the underlying assumption rather than the closed question.
EXP: “What makes you think I’m a liar? / I’ve never beaten my wife & never will / I don’t have time in my schedule to help / I’ve already contribute all I can”…. (Open vs Closed Qs)

NEXT: DBs – Part 8a

Double BINDS – STAYING AWAKE (Part 6a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,


IF I’M GOING TO GET MYSELF FREE
I’m going to have to pay close attention

PREVIOUS: Double Binds (Part 5b)

BOOK: “Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard” ~ Chip & Dan Heath (review…..)

GETTING STARTED
D. Binds, created by D. Messages, are like being called over to someone who is crooking their index finger, meaning “Come to me, my darling,” – but when you get there they slap your face.
Or being told, “Darling, tell me how you feel,” but then when you do, they sarcastically sneer that you’re being dramatic, hateful, over-sensitive, crazy, ridiculous, immature…. (More…..)

📣 IMPERATIVE : We can not afford to mentally blank out when dealing with controlling, narcissistic, double-binding people – which is what the WIC does when terrified & trying to disappear.
It will make a big difference to your well-being if you stay awake for how you feel around people who do the come-here-go-away dance or give other kinds of DMs.

🔺Identifying the specific D. Messages you’ve been getting is crucial so you know what you’re dealing with, & then figure a way out.
If one specific person you’re around is a S, you’re probably angry a lot of the time, but may not recognize it as that specific emotion. And underneath the anger – you’re really scared of displeasing or losing them – whether you can feel that deeper layer or not.

❗️VERBALIZE what’s going on. You’re only in a full Double Bind while the contradictory statements you’ve been subjected to remain unconscious. Once they’re articulated, they lose some of their force. Questioning AND objecting to the contradictions, & getting external support, can often help with our own internal distorted beliefs

EXP of self-hating D.Message (More….. )  Also DM Part 7b)
a. Having many PTSD symptoms means I’m broken, worthless -AND-
b. Admitting to only a few symptoms means the abuse wasn’t that bad
c. I’m not supposed to notice what really happened, or help myself out of it

❓CHART: Use it for your own DBs, to figure out what were imposed on you by another person or institution. 📕 Expand & add columns as needed
Re. RESULTS: Internally – what’s already happened
Externally: what you fear will happen
Re. OPTIONS: The one best suited to your personality & current circumstances
Final RESULTS – of your choice, in T.E.A. terms

Fill in columns for each part of the Double/Triple BIND you’re in, in as much detail as you can. DO a little, then add as you figure more out. Include:
🔸 (A,B,C) Conflicting commands & Consequences, from yourself or others
🔸 Blatant & subtle Punishments
🔸 Any attempts to unhook yourself, successful or not
🔸 What happened – in yourself or from others / overall outcome
🔸 If still stuck, why you’re still in it (internal reasons)….
“Step Away from DBs“ and post “Negative Benefits

• Since DBs are often stacked together, it’s necessary to unravel them statement by statement – like parsing a sentence. See how many parts you can identify in the following abusive, distorted manipulative communications:
EXP – Toxic Parent to actual Child
“Now you want my help! Hah! I never got into this kind of trouble when I was a kid. Surprise me by doing something right for a change, I’d like that!”
“You should be ashamed of yourself. Listen to me, you’ve got to take control over your life. Stop questioning what I tell you. I’ve been around a lot longer than you have, you know.”

EXP – Authority to ‘Problem’ Person / Patient
“You have to accept that you are X (mentally ill, addict, out-of-control, raging, self-destructive…) before we can help you. We’re only doing this for your own good, out of love and compassion for you, even though you are X (the label).”

“When you say that — “we have the problem, that we’re doing this to suit ourselves because we don’t like the way you are — it only proves that you are indeed X (the label)”

NEXT: DBs, Staring Awake, Part 6b

Double BINDS – Options (Part 5a)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

wash the brain 

I NEED TO SCRUB MY BRAIN
until I’m free of this poison

PREVIOUS: DB – Frames (Part 4b)

SITE: 4 Double-Binds psychiatrists use on mental patients

 

OPTIONS in dealing with DBs
Once you – the R – have gotten caught in a Double Bind (DB) you’re going to have to accept that ‘getting away’ may be painful & slow, especially if the S is important to you & you’re afraid of loosing them.

Remember, people who use DBs need to control others & are NOT safe, most likely a severe narcissist, & therefore not truly loving. That’s an illusion they create & you buy into.
🔴 Feeling angry, frustrated & ‘crazy’ – about yourself & toward someone else – are your HINTS that they’re pulling a fast one on you, whether deliberate to not. It might be necessary to move out of their range, which is not easy, but it’s also not the only option.

• Getting relief from a DB situation starts by recognizing & addressing the Conditions which are required to produce it (see “How It Works”= DMs #3 and DBs, #2).
THEN – know that you have to ‘chose your poison’ & that there will be some repercussions for whichever side of the D.Bind you reject (disobey).

You will need the ego-strength (self-esteem) to bear whatever reaction you’ll get from the Sender you’ve known a long time, which can include raging, insults, threats, silence, shaming…. Since Ss are control freaks, they’re more likely to hang on & keep trying to keep you hooked rather than dump you. If you stick to not playing along, they’ll either adjust, withdraw or separate / leave

1. DO LESS: At first, if the pattern of interaction with a special person is so deeply ingrained & your connection to this S is like your childhood & probably symbiotic – you’re likely to be too mentally confused (T) & emotionally scared (E) to make radical changes (A).

The best thing is to DO LESS of whatever they’ve trained you to do/be, & see what happens. Naturally it will be uncomfortable – not just because of their reaction, but from your own feelings of guilt & fear of abandonment. Remember that guilt is the E. that comes from breaking a Toxic Rule or law.

EXP: No matter how much effort Anna puts into cleaning & prepping for Mother-in-Law’s visits, the older woman will always find something to find fault about!
IMPLIED MESSAGES: “I disapprove of you when you haven’t cleaned your house ‘perfectly’” (you’re such pig) and “I disapprove of you when you think you’ve cleaned everything thoroughly (I can always find something you missed)

So, finally Anna decides to only do the most needed cleaning & storage, & let the chips fall where they may. (Maybe – give mom something ‘legit’ to criticize?)

2. INTERMEDIATE option
– If you’re young enough to not care what your parents say,
– OR know yourself well enough to have a sense of what works for you, you can alternate between the ‘options’ presented in the D.Messages, with the understanding & acceptance that you’re going to get flack either way, BUT YOU’RE OK

EXP a : SO – between “I disapprove of you for not socializing (dating)” and “I disapprove of your choice of boyfriends when you finally do”
– YOU can choose BOTH – when you want to go out & with whom, & when you’d rather stay in to read (or secretly text with friends)

EXP b : MASH’s Klinger tried to get out of the war on medical grounds, SO –
X: he pretended to be crazy – BUT was told that –
Y: only crazy people would want to be in a war
Result – he was never allowed to be discharged
NOTE: This is a DM – the word “crazy” being used on two different logic levels. However, Klinger did not fall into the trap. In an impossible situation he chose the ‘crazy’ that suited him & went merrily on his way.

NEXT: DBs – Facing ourselves (#5)

Double BINDS – Frames (Part 4a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

Frames I’VE BEEN FRAMED –
but I’m innocent!

PREVIOUS: BDs (Part 3b)

SITE: “Framing:…Least recognized daily Mental Activity”


FRAMING Theory
Frames are made up of pre-conceived ideas that allow people to quickly organize & interpret new & complex information. They function as mental shortcuts or a “rule of thumb,” & in psychology, are known as scripts or schemata.
Framing is a feature of our brain’s architecture. Our minds react to the context in which something is embedded, not just to the thing itself.
EXP: The cover influences our judgment of the book, a line appears longer when vertical than when horizontal……

Goffman, in Frame Analysis wrote that people interpret what’s going on around them in their world through their primary framework – which is taken for granted by them.
He identified 2 distinctions within basic frameworks:
❖ natural = physical events, separate from any social forces
❖ social = socially driven events, based on the whims, goals & manipulations of the players, but built on natural assumptions

EXP: If you look out of 2 different windows from the same room at a landscape outside – you’ll see 2 (maybe very) different aspects of that world. It hasn’t changed – only your perspective.

USE of Frames
re. THINGS
Artifact: giving objects intrinsic symbolic value (car=freedom)
Contrast: describing an object in terms of what it is not
Slogans, jargon : using a catchphrase to make an object more memorable & relate-able
Tradition (rituals, ceremonies) : cultural values that give great meaning to every-day objects / artifacts (buildings, land….) .
re. IDEAS
Euphemism : serving to soothe, distract or reduce conflict (I put my dog ‘to sleep’)
Metaphor: expressing an idea by comparing it to something else
Spin: presenting a concept with a value judgement (positive or negative) not  immediately obvious, or create an inherent bias
Stories (myths, legends): narrative presented in a vivid & memorable way

🤓 Each type of frame has several parts, making up the whole. EXPs:
• Commercial Transaction has: seller, goods, buyer, money
• Communication: message, messenger, audience, medium, images & context
• Group Therapy: therapist, clients, personal problems, suitable location ……

Re. DM & DBs
Framing Theory can help make sense of how D.Messages lead to D.Binds, because it explains that “how something is presented influences the choices people make”.
★ If you don’t ‘set the frame’ – for yourself & with others – someone else will, AND whoever does – controls the situation by creating the context for everything that happens in the interactionFRAME Cartoon

• Controlling our frame is not necessarily bad. In fact we all do it every day – parent to child, teacher to class, boss to employee…. It’s only bad when the frame is designed to con, ensnare or control another person or group.

Our personal reality is constantly changing, & always includes our active participation. It’s made up of the events, objects, processes & facts we experience, & can only be fully understood in context.
EXP : if you say “I’m on a street”, that could be anywhere.

In almost any situation, we have the choice to either frame it in a positive light, or plunge it into the dark clutches of negativity. Framing things in a positive way will improve our mood & help develop compassion for others.  “I know I can figure it out”

5 WAYS information can be framed
🔹Gain F – wanting certainty & positive gains, being risk-averse
🔹Loss F – choosing a desired goal with a significant loss, rather than an unwanted goal with no loss at all = risk-seeking

🔹Goal F – respond to info based on whether it helps or hinders you trying to improve your circumstances
🔹Temporal F – choose immediate smaller rewards over long term large ones
🔹Value F – respond better if available info is framed such that it affects what you care about

EXP of a GAIN F. re DB communication = Mother to her child : “Be spontaneous.”
If the child then seems to do something unexpected (spontaneous), he can’t actually be acting spontaneously, because he’s following her direction.
Mother wants total control, so the child has to be put in a no-win situation, to prevent autonomy. Subjected to this kind of manipulative communication over many years, it’s easy to imagine how this boy could become thoroughly confused – & mentally paralyzed.

NEXT: DBs & Frames (#4b)

Double BINDS – Logical Types (Part 3b)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

DB mouse trapIT’S A MOUSE TRAP
& I’m the mouse!

PREVIOUS: DBs, #1


🧩 REVIEW (3a)
♨️ SENDERS
💢 RECEIVERS (Rs)

🧩 LOGIC TYPES (cont)
DBs are best understood in a larger framework, as part of Cybernetics & Complex Systems Theory. It shows the inter-dependence of message components, providing an order to what looks like chaos (if you’re a Newtonian). The mind itself, & therefore human communication, functions inter-actively, like all ecosystems  CIRCLEs ⬇️

NORMALLY, context & body reactions (meta-language) allow participants to decipher the kind of interaction they’re part of – not just the ‘words’.
EXP: As two puppies are playing, they growl & nip at each other gently. But their tails are wagging & their ears are NOT back.
Lower level message: “I am threatening you – I will bite”
Higher level : “This is play- fighting – I won’t hurt you.”

IMP: ‘Levels’ is a common metaphor for arranging experience. Lower levels are defined by more specific examples of higher levels.   (Explanation)

IN CONTRAST – DBs are based on Level-confusion, the contradictory statements being expressed on different Logical Levels of Abstraction (higher/lower) in ‘orders of message’ sent – causing the bind. Are you confused enough? (MORE…..) 
EXPs:
✦ Paradoxes are a special kind of contradiction, where the incompatible statements exist on different “logical levels” – one of them is part of the context of the other – which is a logical no-no.

✦ A lose-lose evolutionary DB is the rhino horn – meant for protection & to enhance ‘desirability’ for procreation. But the very same feature has caused their near extinction, the horn being harvested for the human desire for sexual potency. Ironic, since it only works for the rhino! CHART ⬇️

DBs No exitAnother lose-lose DB, in “Alice in Wonderland”, exemplifies the needs of the individual and its physical characteristics being mutually incompatible, one on a more abstract level than the other:

A: If the bread-&-butter fly, which lives on weak tea with cream, does not get its food, it dies.  And / But –
B: If it does gets its food, it dies, because its head is made of a sugar lump, which will dissolve in the tea

MORE Confusion: If a R objects to or ‘outs’ the distortions inherent in a D. Message, the Sender can reinforce the DB by disqualifying the person, making the R’s objections seem unimportant & therefore to be ignored (from 32 DBs….. )
BY:
• negating the whole discussion, or evading it in some other way
• twisting the meaning or context of the objections
• changing ‘reality’,  by doubting the validity of the objections
AND reminding the R who has the power: S claims to have a higher status, so what it says is of higher value. (More DB from NLP Institute)

• Q & A Confusion: Head-scratching is inevitable when a Q. is asked on one logical level but answered on another. This is the basis of much humor.

• Abbott and Costello’s routine “Who’s on First” works on two levels of ‘orders of message’ at the same time, incorporating Lower-order (literal) & Higher-order meaning (implied).
This is NOT a Q, only a statement of fact, but is heard as a Q, so the response is another Q (“I don’t know, who IS on first?”).
If said in a direct way, the higher-order Q. would be: “Who is the guy on first base?” & the lower order A. would be: “Mr. Who is on first base.”

• ACoAs – Discrepancies in Levels of Communication is one reason we go BLANK when someone responds to us from a different Logic Level than the one we’re coming from, or says something completely out of context. (TA’s Crossed Transactions, scroll down)

We were taught to not pick up on twisted communications, having nothing to do with our intelligence. We know these people are ‘off’’, but not having learned to ‘hear’ distortions, we’re stumped!

Sadly – we realize it later & think what we could/would have said, levels of logicbut then it’s too late to defend ourselves, or point out the inconsistency or ask for clarification. It can be very frustrating & enraging – but never let it take you all the way to S-H!

In this example ↖️, some responses :  “You just asked another question” , “That’s not an answer” , “What’s wrong with my Q?”,  “I’m interested / curious / worried…..”

In other word, we don’t have to be stumped or blank out. By not giving up or disappearing (on ourself), we may get useful / important info about the other person – OR we can decide to withdraw as an act of self-care, if the person is hostile or consistently unable to communicate. We don’t have to chase the unavailable, but also don’t have to take it personally!

NEXT: DBs – (Part 4a)

Double BINDS – Origins (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

Screen Shot 2015-09-21 at 4.31.29 PM
I NEED TO LEAVE
but I have to stay……”

PREVIOUS: DMs, Part 3

SITE: “Double Bind Theory: Still crazy-making
after all these years”


🌀 Types of BINDS (Part 1)

🚻 In PSYCHOANALYTIC Terms 
The ego’s unconscious intentional structure has the “logical form” of a double bind.
Everyone’s original DB is the un-resolvable early childhood conflict between —> staying connected to or leaving the protection of the mother. It starts out psychologically, but later also becomes physical.

It’s a pull between attachment & safety vs separation & independence. Whichever the young child wishes for at any given moment, it will experience fear & a sense of loss.
It’s the need TO:
a. STAY under the mother-hen’s wings, for safety & warmth.
But if the child stays too long, it can’t develop the crucial S & I  of maturity. Symbiotic clinging will result in anxiety, because suppressing a legitimate need for autonomy creates a constant fear of completely losing one’s identity & freedom. The outcome would feel like ‘death’
AND ALSO 
b. a need to develop one’s own identity, which requires ‘LEAVING’ – but not too early in life! Total separation also causes traumatic anxiety – the terror of facing a vast alien world alone, unprepared & helpless. The outcome would be ‘death’

In healthy families, this dilemma gets (more-or-less) resolved for the child by being given a balance of loving availability & personal freedom. ⬇️ CHART for details = Great info, like how injury blocks consciousness….

RESULTS of the attachment-separation dilemma start in infancy. Once set in motion, they continue underground into adulthood, until hopefully brought to consciousness & resolved.
If not, as adults we’re vulnerable – via the WIC – to be manipulated by unscrupulous or unaware people who tap into the original DB.

💟 PROCESS in Childhood
1. Not able to decide on either unbearable alternative (be free vs. to stay), the infant’s MIND develops the Super-ego (SE), a judgmental voice of the Ego-Self that’s been captured by the BIND.
>> It then creates a second layer of psychic binds (bondage) – the demand to always ‘be good’.  If the child gives in to the ‘voice’, it’ll feel weak & enslaved, but if it rebels, it’s stung by guilt

2. To counter the power of the inner Judge (SE’s too-ethical perfectionist), the subliminal censor generates another voice, the ‘evil SE’ Rager, demanding that the Ego-Self throw off all social conventions & appropriate behavior.

In adults Rager might say: “Tell the boss to stuff it, have another drink, don’t pay your bills, cheat on your spouse….”. It viscious cycleenjoys the delicious feeling of power that comes from sticking it to the overbearing Judge…..  so the Rager scores.

3. BUT defiance scares the child’s id, worried about losing its connection to the only internal caretaker (SE) it knows, which would cause a collapse (death).
This leads to self-punishment, dictated by the Judge, such as isolation (from shame), sabotaging daily functioning & plans, physical suffering or injury, in trouble with authority…. so the Judge scores

4. The vicious cycle continues. To keep from crumbling, the Rager takes over again, & in adults it revels in antisocial / immature behavior, like missing work or avoiding other unwanted obligations (even sexual) – but also causes depression, migraines, being fired….
Score-points go to the Judge, who gets double points, as it enjoys punishing Rager with the pain it causes as punishment

🦠 But the Rager rescues / ‘soothes’ the Self with remedies, such as drugs that otherwise would not be allowed by the Judge…..mental games
— so the Ego-Self finally gets to score a point too – by numbing out.  Everyone ‘wins’, right??
BUT:“What does it benefit a man if he gains the whole world but looses his own soul?” Mark 8:36

COMMENT: This unconscious game is how most people function, wondering why they haven’t fulfilled their dreams or found happiness.  Unresolved, It can turn us into damaged Senders or Receivers, limiting the True Self which is mostly free of internal or external coercion
• We may say “I never play games, I like to be direct.” Unfortunately most of us DO (4 outlined on acoarecovery.com), but they’re so incorporated into our daily relationships & spread over a lifetime, we don’t recognize them.

NEXT: D.Binds (Part 3a)