LOOKING AT HOW IT ALL STARTED is not always easy!

PREVIOUS: Healthy Individuation (#2)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

QUOTE re. the need for S & I
“It is not possible to live too long amid infantile surroundings, or in the bosom of the family = without endangering one’s psychic health. Life calls us forth to independence, & anyone who does not heed this call because of childish laziness or timidity is threatened with neurosis.” Carl Jung
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DEF: INVENTORY – To evaluate & make an itemized report of abilities, assets, or resources. To take stock of one’s life and accomplishments.

1. IN 12-Step TERMS
a. Doing our 4th Step – to write out as many of our qualities as we can – both positive (gifts) & negative (defects), as well as a list of all actions throughout life (to identify our Being and our Doing)

b. Taking someone else’s inventory – a big no-no, & for good reason, when understood correctly, but used as an unhealthy defense mechanism. This can mean judging someone in our thoughts, or recounting someone’s faults to all who will listen, or using a sharp tongue to tell someone off who we’re angry at.

NOT doing this is a valid rule for everyone in general , & specifically for addicts & co-dependents, because:
• ACA copy our parents’ habit of always finding fault with everyone & everything else, instead of owning our own thoughts & emotions, likes & dislikes….
• of the compulsion to blame others for all our woes, instead of taking responsibility for what ever part we had in any situation (but not in the form of S-H)
AND TO Stop:
•  our character defect of using any upset as an excuse to gossip
•  our fearful avoidance of dealing clearly & honestly with anyone we’re currently having a problem with (instead of using the Adult ego state)
• the fear-driven habit of avoiding very hard decisions, making small or major changes, standing up for ourselves, leaving toxic people …..

2. LEGITIMATE EXCEPTIONS to this rule :
a. Re. Safe People: To identify the healthy characteristics we find in positive role models, which we can then look for in everyone we associate with, so we can ‘Go where it’s warm’ – toward people who are reasonable (T), kind (E) & functional (A)
b. Re. Unsafe People: to break thru our denial.
Unhealed ACAs deal with abusers – either :
• by having thick blinders on, denying their character defects & emotional damage, while only seeing our own flaws – even where they don’t exist. OR
• by being terribly judgmental & critical of everyone – including ourself (S-H), while not trusting anyone with genuinely good qualities, & who treat us well.
BOTH types tend to shy away from healthy people!

That way we can get angry at anyone who doesn’t automatically / magically provide our needs & wants, just the ways our parents didn’t.  But we stay with the ‘unavailables’ so we don’t have to notice the many ways they continue to abandon us,  & don’t have to face doing something about it (leave?).
That way we can stay loyal to the original dysfunction, continuing to long for but never receive the love & acceptance we believe we’re not allowed.

✳️ As we know, people tell us something about themselves all the time – their pluses & minuses – which we miss all together & could see if we paid attention, knew what to look for, & be willing to respond appropriately
OR we do notice but ignore or excuse. Then it bites us in the butt later!

Sadly, as kids ACAs were brainwashed to deny much or all of our painful experiences, as well as our intuition & perceptions, so it is especially necessary to do this type of inventory for all of us who :
• are genuinely ignorant of, or in deep denial about, the harmful effects that addicts & other damaging people we spend time with (family, lovers, bosses, friends…) have / have had on us

• are surrounded by unhealthy communities (family, religious, social, work….) where everyone is continually bombarding us with a distorted reality about us, themselves & the ‘right way’ to do things

• are by nature so idealistic that we only want to see the good in others, as a defense against the dangers of life, to our great detriment
• know there’s something wrong with certain people & situations in our life, but are not allowed to believe our intuition & knowledge.

NEXT:  Family Inventory – Purpose, #2