self-help

ACoAs ‘FEELING SORRY For’ (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

THEY NE-E-E-ED ME! How can I turn my back on them?

PREVIOUS: HUMOR #6

SITE: Meditation for compassion (“loving kindness”)

1-a. For OTHERS – POSITIVE
“Feeling sorry for” someone may be generated by any situation we personally identify with, or simply caring about the plight of others who are less fortunate. We may or may not be able to do anything practical for the millions who suffer, but on a one-to-one basis, at the very least we can LISTEN to someone who needs a caring heart & ear, without advice or judgment

☆ Empathy : a visceral / emotional experience of another person’s emotions – an visceral mirroring, like tearing up at a friend’s intense sadness or deep loss

☆ Compassion:  “a human emotion prompted by the pain of others. More vigorous than empathy, it gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another’s suffering. It is often, though not inevitably, the key component of altruism ….”rescuing

☆ Altruism: an action that benefits someone else without expecting repayment.
BUT – does not automatically include personal empathy or compassion, like making an anonymous donation for tax purposes

DEF : ☼ Doing good to others, regardless of self-concern, a behavior that costs the Giver while benefitting the Receiver.
☼ A traditional virtue in many cultures, & a core aspect of various religious traditions”, it’s considered the highest form of love (Agape) – putting aside our own needs to help someone else.

➼ For this type of ‘feeling sorry for’ to be legitimate – the recipient of our concern must be truly in need of help AND not have the ability to do for themselves – at least temporarily.
This is not always easy to determine, especially is it’s someone we care about, if they’re still acting out of the victim role.
See “Rescuing” -vs- “Healthy Helping”.
💙

1-b. For OTHERS – Negative
For ACoAs, the core problem is that we feel sorry for the wrong types.
While we may have a strong caring & compassionate side, which we use for others instead of for ourselves, we misplace our sympathy by focusing it on narcissistic people (parent, spouse or lover, BFF, sometimes a boss, teacher…) who are a bottomless pit of needs.

i. WHO: Anyone who is –
☛ emotionally & practically irresponsible. This can not be emphasized enough!  These are people who are unwilling to use available resources needed to help themself, hooking us into do it for them! This can be in practical ways, but most often they want to be taken care of emotionally

☛ abusive, abandoning, narcissistic (but often charming) – because they prey on our desperate need to stay attached & feel special. It allows them to “feed on” us without having to give back.

☛ who acts like they need / love / value us, but if we take care of ourself before them  by setting boundaries or disagreeing, they’ll throw us under the bus in a heartbeat!
This way of being treated is so familiar from childhood, we think it’s normal & there’re acceptable, so we suppress our angry at the betrayal!

• POTENTIAL does NOT count – when it has to do with others!  We’re attracted to selfish people because they’re familiar, & we can rescue them & feel superior.
BUT as long as they refuse to develop their latent capacities – we end up drained, feeling inadequate, disappointed & angry – just like we did as kids.

ii. CAUSE
• our damaged need to feel special (counter feeling powerless)
• copy what we learned from a para-alcoholic parent (usually mom)
• don’t want to face who this (current) person really is, because then we’d have a different relationship with them, or have to leave

iii. WHAT
Their unhealthy behavior patterns TRIGGER our WIC to:
• (E) feel sorry for them (they’re manipulating this), the way we felt sorry for family members who we tried & tried to fix, but never could

• (A) act out our pre-programmed training to rescue & enable them
• resonate our WIC with theirs, feeling their pain – so we take on the Good Parent role, for them – but not toward ourselves

Instead, we need to be with people who are ALREADY in the process of taking care of themself, & therefore can be available to us without causing a lot of drama & stress.

NEXT: Feeling Sorry for – #2

Enneagram Humor (Part 6)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

saudi_man

PREVIOUS: Ennea Humor #5

SITE: Enneagram Type cartoons

 

 

“EATING” by Rev Liz Stout (ordained Interfaith Minister, active Episcopalian, Buddhism buff, general spiritual scavenger, Evanston, Ill)

1s always chew more than they have bitten off
2s offer a bite to someone else first
3s take a bite of the best-selling, most popular brand

4s take a bite slowly & dramatically, hoping that others are watching
5s hide the wrapper so no one else will know what bites they’re enjoying
6s check the expiration date or read the ingredients before taking a bite

7s do bite off more than they can chew, & then proceed to chew
8s may take possession of someone else’s bite, putting up a fight if necessary
9s can’t make up their minds what to take a bite of – they take a little of everything to show partiality

DE GUSTIBUS NON DISPUTANDUM (Latin for “No Accounting for Tastes”)

‘HUMAN Dinner Party” by Elizabeth Wagele

 

ennea dinner types

Q: Is the glass is half-full or half-empty? by Cory Caplinger
Enneagram TYPE answers:
#1 – It’s half empty, because I say it is and I’m always right!
#2 – Would you like to have this water? Let me fill it up for you!
#3 – Hmm, I bet I could make a profit selling half-empty glasses of water for full price!
#4 – It’s half-empty…. just like everything else in this miserable world – & I don’t even deserve that! (pouts with a tear in eye)

#5 – Well, after measuring it precisely with my Fleuromaton, I have concluded that the volume of dihydrogen-oxide in this silicon-based vessel is 50.8%, thus qualifying it as roughly Half-Full.
#6 – I’m not drinking it, there’s poison in it!
#7 – It’s half-full!!! (drinks) Ah, FANTASTIC! Can I have another one?
#8 – It’s half-empty… so fill it up NOW before I have to break your neck!!!
#9 – It’s whatever you say it is.

Posted by CosmicDust (2007)
Mama‘s such a One, she can’t accept a birthday card from me without pointing out how bad the handwriting in my signature is.

Mama’s such a Two, she can’t swat a fly without demanding that the fly feel grateful that she didn’t do it the slow, painful way with bug spray.

Dad’s such a Three, she can’t even sleep without finishing a To-Do list in his dreams and boasting about how productive he is every night.

Mama’s such a Four, she can’t cook me dinner without lamenting that nobody understands or appreciates how hard it was to slave over that old stove, as the food became eternally scarred with charcoal, awaiting its ultimate fate to be torn apart in my stomach.

Mama’s such a Five, she can’t give me a hug without expounding and speculating on the origins, methods & meaning of hugs throughout the course of human history and prehistory, all the while mummyforgetting to enjoy the experience of hugging.

Dad‘s such a Six, I can’t throw him a surprise party without him questioning what my hidden agenda for not telling him. Was I trying to give him a heart attack so I could get my inheritance early, or thinking that he wasn’t competent enough to put his own party together?

Dad’s such a Seven, he can’t even channel surf without also checking the Internet, the radio and the voice mail on his cell phone for something potentially more interesting.

Dad’s such an Eight, he’s the only person who can make squirrels get the BLEEP off the road before they get run over, just by giving them that look… but then he runs them over anyway, just because se can.

Mama’s such a Nine, she refers to “Dante’s Inferno” as “Dante’s Inferyes.”

NEXT: Feeling Sorry for #1

Enneagram Humor (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

pakistan_woman

PREVIOUS: Ennea Humor #5

SITE: Enneagram of CUTE PUPPIES

(⬅️ World Costumes by Phillip Martin)

 

Top Ten Signs You’re a TYPE 8 ~ Suzyn Smith

10. People tend to salute you, but you’re not in the military
9. It looked like it was going to be a tough race, but after you ran the smear campaign, you were elected president of the garden club with ease
8. They’re still looking for the last guy who insulted your mother

7. You consider binging on an attractive alternative lifestyle
6. You frequently threaten people with castration (with a look?)
5. You used to pass time in dull classes by arguing with the professor
4. You often talk about having sex in casual social conversation

3. You were captain of your college rugby team (& you’re a girl)
2. Konrad Lorenz’s “On Aggression” reads like your autobiography
1. The #3 sitting over there could get elected, but YOU could run the country

❥ A #5 went for a walk in the park & ran into his #5 friend, riding a bike.
“Hey Joe, good to see ya’. Nice bike you’ve got here. I haven’t see it before. Where’d you get it?”
“Well Sam, you won’t believe it. I met Julia riding this very bike, & when she saw me a strange thing happened. She took all her clothes off & said “Hi Sam, take whatever you want!”
“Wait, she was naked & you took the bike ????”
“Well, yeah…” Joe thought about that and finally said:
“Oh well, I think you made the right choice, her clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway…”
Post by Mort Sahl (2001)

❥Two Enneagram drunks go into a bar.
A: “What’a’ya gonna have, Joe?” / B: “Scotch on the rocks”.
A: ” Too 7ish for me” / B: “Lissen bud, scotch is a 6 drink”
A: “Whad’ya mean? I drank that stuff last night, got in my car & drove 95 mph”
B: “I drank that stuff last week & thought the world was out to get me”
Bartender: “What are you guys gonna have?”
A: ” a 7and7″ / B: ” a 6wing7″

The BOSS
Some famous 8s: F. Lee Bailey, Lucille Ball, Bogart, Kirk & Michael Douglas, Indira Ghandi, Saddam Hussein, Queen Latifah, Rush Limbaugh, Grace Slick, Sinatra, Mike Tyson, John Wayne, Debra Winger.
EXP: type 8 cartoon
My ‘growing’ #8 friend who hated his narcissistic abusive boss decided it was best to leave his intense wish for revenge up to Higher Power to dish out, instead of saying what he felt & then get fired!

Twisted Affirmation
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

Fun Quote: Anonymous
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Walking in to a party: Mention a better party down the road, & take everyone there

The MEDIATOR
Some famous 9s:  Loni Anderson, Yogi Berra, Sandra Bullock, Bill Clinton,Kevin Costner, the Dalai Lama, Dan Quayle, Ronald Reagan, Gloria Steinem
type 9 cartoonEXP:
When Terry asked a #9 friend to make her ‘kind, helpful suggestions’ fit with who Terry actually is (a self-aware #8), rather than trying to rescuing or people-please her (“Why don’t you….”),
the #9’s response was “That’s too much work. You’re asking a lot. Now I have to walk on eggshells with you!”

Twisted Affirmation
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.

Fun Quote: Unknown
Dolphin-safe tuna? Yeah, that’s great if you’re a dolphin. But what if you’re a tuna?

Walking in to a party: See that the room is empty & apologize for showing up on the wrong day

NEXT: Ennea humor #6

Enneagram Humor (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

intl_african

 PREVIOUS: Ennea humor #3

BOOK: Enneagram Cats of Muir Beach

(⬅️ World Costumes by Phillip Martin)

 


Enneagram TYPE Humor
❥ Why didn’t the counter-phobe #6 cross the road?
‘Cause she’s not chicken.

❥ How many phobic 6s does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer A: Five people – One to say “OMG the light bulb went out. HELP!,”
One to say “OMG you’re right, this is horrible, we need help!”
One to go consult an expert on how to change light bulbs
One to screw it in
One to stand by the phone ready to call 911 in case the one screwing it in gets electrocuted

Answer B: No, it takes Six people.
❥ One to stand there & grumble, “Rats, I’ve been telling them for ages this frakkin’ bulb was ready to blow, but would they listen to me? Oh noooo! I knew this would happen!”
❥ One to get several references on the proper way to change light bulbs (which he already has on hand because he too was sure the damned bulb would blow at some point & wanted to be prepared when it happened).

❥ One to go get a light bulb from her light bulb stash. (She’d stocked up on light bulbs just in case.)
❥ One to screw in the bulb.
❥ One to stand there and tell the one screwing in the bulb to be careful of X, Y, and Z.
❥ One to stand there ready to call 911 in case the one screwing it in gets electrocuted or falls off the ladder. That ladder doesn’t look too great. He / she’s been telling them for ages they need to replace that rickety ladder before someone gets hurt.

The DEVIL’s ADVOCATE
Some famous 6s: Woody Allen, Candace Bergen, Mel Gibson, Hitler, Bob Newhart, Nixon, Julia Roberts, Gen. Colin Powell, Robert Redford, Bruce Springsteen, Bruce Willis
EXP: Type 6 cartoon
Gina’s one-time #6 BFF needed her ‘sacred cows’ to make her feel safe-er. She was outraged when she heard that JFK was a womanizer or that the ‘church’ hid the truth about their pedophiles….

Twisted Affirmation
“Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears”

Fun Quote: Emo Phillips
I was walking home one night & a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In Morse code.

Walking in to a party: Check to see if the chandelier looks like it might fall down & hurt someone

The EPICURE
Some famous 7s: George W. Bush, J.F.K., Richard Feynman (physicist), Magic Johnson, Jay Leno, Mozart, Babe Ruth, Barbra Streisand, Robin Williams
type 7 cartoonEXP:
Rita’s #7 husband never shuts up – when he’s upset, when he’s planning, when he’s bragging…. & you can’t stop him – he’s like the Energizer bunny!

Twisted Affirmation
“I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them”

Fun Quote: Mayor Marion Barry
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

Walking in to a party: Puts a lampshade on their head & start telling jokes

NEXT: Humor #5

Enneagram Humor (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

Croatia girlPREVIOUS: Ennea Humor (#3)

SITE: EnneaType foolishness at work

(⬅️ World Costumes by Phillip Martin)

 

Top Ten Signs You’re a TYPE 5 by Dave
10. You call your plants by their Latin names
9. The more excited people around you get, the more drained you feel
8. You spend time at a party reading the books in the host’s library
7. You communicate almost exclusively by text
6. Most of your friends are on social media, & you haven’t met any of them face to face
5. You consider it a good vacation if you can stay at home with your computer, books, videos, & garden for a week

4. You would like to do point 5 for a living (or already are)
3. You’ve actually read Darwin’s “Origin of the Species” & think it would make an interesting movie
2. Someone asks you how you feel about someone/ thing, & you say you’ll let them know next week after you’ve had time to think about it

1. You bite into a Snickers bar, immediately seeing the correlation between the dissolving chocolate/peanut mixture
AND:
◆ quantum electrodynamics & the potential existence of dark matter in the universe
◆ the association of Mozart’s unfinished symphony & the cryptographic origins of ancient Sumerian linguistics
◆ how the right-handed Cartesian orthogonal system of coordinates aligns with mitochondrial cellular respiration, giving you a new understanding of the role of derivatives in modern financial portfolio analysis
◆ the ennea-grammatic functions inherent in Microsoft’s Windows 98. AND when you try to explain this simple relationship, people have no clue what the H– you’re talking about.

CARTOON TYPES
The PERFORMERStype 3 cartoon
Some famous 3s : Truman Capote, Tom Cruise, Cindy Crawford, Anne Coulter, Johnny Cochran, Demi Moore, many CEOs, Oliver North, Oprah Winfrey, Tiger Woods.
EXP:
Sara’s #3 mother’s only response to her #4 daughter – who was in extreme fear over money worries – was: “Your hair is a mess. Why don’t you fix it?”

Twisted Affirmation
To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting

Fun Quote: Anonymous
You can’t leave footprints in the sands of time if you’re sitting on your butt. And who wants to leave butt prints in the sands of time?

Walking in to a party: Makes sure everyone knows where they went to college, & that they made a million dollars last month

The TRAGIC ROMANTIC
Some famous 4s:  Marlon Brando, Nicholas Cage, Eric Clapton, Ann Rice & her Vampires, Michael Jackson,
Vincent van Gogh, Dennis Rodman, Thomas Merton, Shakespeare, Allen Watts.
EXP:type 4 cartoon
Mitzu’s #4 girlfriend often rants about how women go out in public without putting their face on! “Don’t they know they’d look so much better with makeup?!!”

Twisted Affirmation
I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

Fun Quote: Kigichi Ishiritari
If life gives you lemons – make grape juice. Then sit back & let people wonder how you did it.

Walking in to a party: Sit by themselves somewhere, & look mysterious.

The OBSERVER
Some famous 5s: Buddha, Dick Cheney, Rene Descartes, Joe DiMaggio, Albert Einstein, T. S. Eliot,
Bill Gates, Lenin, Timothy McVeigh, Jackie O., Sartre, Scrooge
Stype 5 cartoonEXP:
Even tho’ Benny knew his #5 father loved his family, dad spent most of his time locked away in his little office writing & studying, rather than talking to or doing things with the kids – or protecting them.

Twisted Affirmation
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion & paranoia

Fun Quote: Garrison Keillor
Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It allows you to get stuck in more remote places.
Walking in to a party: Look for the exit!

NEXT: HUMOR #4

Enneagram Humor (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

S.America manPREVIOUS: Ennea Humor #1

SITEs : Obnoxious questions to ask EnneaTypes
• MORE cartoons
• Smiley/Emoticons for Type WINGs (12/2/11)

⬅️World costumes : Phillip Martin


MORE TYPE JOKES
Top 10 Signs that You’re a TYPE 1 (Geenius at Wrok)
10. You consider the word “that” in the above title to be crucially important, so it’s not ok to be left out
9. You’ve forever felt yourself “burning with the fires of righteousness”
8. All your life, you’ve dreamed of being a building inspector

7. All the cereal boxes on your shelf are turned so when you grab one, the opened end of the inner bag will be opposite your hand for easy pouring
6. You express brand loyalty when buying reference books
5. You can’t understand why the deli-man keeps putting the onion on top of the cheese, when putting it between the meat and the bread would keep it from sliding out all the time

4. You actually take your sandwich apart to fix it
3. The Scout Law seems, well, kind of OBVIOUS
2. You read “Walden Two” & thought Skinner was really onto something
1. You actually wrote 57 entries for this list, but the other 47 just weren’t good enough

🕶 A 2, a 5 and a 9 go to play golf & end up queuing behind three men who can’t play well – at all. After 30 minutes they’re so annoyed they decide to complain to the golf course manager, who explains :
“These men are blind but they donated so much money to charity that the city decided to reward them by allowing them to play free occasionally”.

The 9 & the 2 are both emotionally moved: “Sorry, we didn’t know & now we feel bad for getting mad a them”.  The 5, however, gets even more upset: “Then why the hell don’t they play at night ??”

😇 How many feeling types (#2, 3, 4) does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: One to turn on the bulb (#3), while the 2s & 4s to relate to the experience.

CARTOON TYPES  

The PERFECTIONISTtype 1 cartoon
Some famous 1s: Hilary Clinton, Tom Brokaw, Harrison Ford, Judge Judy, Martin Luther, Barack Obama, St Paul, The Lone Ranger, Pope John Paul II, Martha Stewart
EXP:
Zina’s #1 mother often said “Of course I’m perfect!” about herself, AND “Look ashamed!” to her little girl when she wasn’t  (just being a normal kid)

Twisted Affirmation
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

Fun Quote: Franklin P. Jones
“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it”

Walking in to a party: Point out to the host that they shouldn’t have put the food so close to the door – it’ll get cold
💠
The GIVER
Some famous 2s : Alan Alda, Barbara Bush, Monica Lewinsky, Madonna, Mr. Rogers, Nancy Reagan, John Travolta
Screen Shot 2015-05-17 at 6.47.25 PMEXP:
In her 20’s & 30s Zina (a #8) distanced herself from her unhealthy #2 sister, who would complain to their mother: “Why won’t Zina talk to me? Why doesn’t she love me?”. Now in their 40’s they’re finally good friends.

Twisted Affirmation
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways so I’ll keep quiet

Fun Quote: Gordon R. Dickson
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it on the wall instead of using it.

Walking in to a party: Suss out who’s the most influential person in the room & offer to get them a drink

NEXT: HUMOR #3

Enneagram (serious?) Humor

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , ,

enn humorNEXT:
More humor

3 Cartoons:
• Enneagram & Life Sucks
• Enneagram at School

• Enneagram &
Leadership
 COMPLAINERS
Enneagram in BIZ  

 


Enn - school humor 1

Enn school humor 2

 

 

ennea group LEADERS

ACoAS & BLAME (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

Blame the victim TO BLAME OR NOT TO BLAME
is that the right question?

PREVIOUS:
 ACoAs & Blame (#1)

SITE: Fixing Blame & Nurturing Resentments


NOTE: Emphasis is on this ‘flaw’ being used consistently

SET UP: In everyday life – outside events trigger us to respond. When we do act, we then decide if our response got us what we wanted.
Screen Shot 2015-03-17 at 4.55.44 PMNormal FLOW is always 2-way: Red light <–> Stop <–> Be safe.

BUT – what if our action didn’t produce the desired result?

BLAME – the opposite of praise.
In general : it’s assigning responsibility for having a fault, for doing something wrong, or for causing someone’s pain. Used correctly, it’s a way to hold oneself or others accountable.
ALSO: It can be making negative statements about a person or group, saying that their action/s are socially or morally irresponsible – and therefore bad.

The BLAMER’S ‘reality’ is based on over-emphasizing themself, using a one directional cause-&-effect ‘radar’ scan (the WIC ego state in charge).
The only things in life that seem to register as blips on their ego-screen are those that affect themself & their emotions – good or bad – which they use to justify unhealthy actions. (MORE….)

blame cycleBecause of this narcissistic, self-centered focus, habitual blamers either don’t notice or don’t care about the negative effect their words & actions have on others, or how they come across (arrogant, stupid, outrageous…..).
Since their view of reality feels normal & logical to them (ego-syntonic) – they don’t recognize the pattern as dysfunctional.
CHART :
• IRONY – the blamer’s unconscious core belief (“it’s not my fault!”) is based on their own S-H & shame – that they don’t deserve care / respect / help….
• Their emotion is rage at the unfairness of all their unhappy experiences. Under that is fear, loneliness, hopelessness….
• The desire (as compensation) is for everything to go their way, regardless of what’s real & possible, ignoring that others also have needs which may be different from their own

This combination (belief-emotion-desire) results in the blamer-victim’s insistence that all bad outcomes are always someone or something else’s fault. They’re dedicated to protecting the illusion that the world is against them.
It reinforces their ‘position’ —
• that they had nothing to do with things going wrong (running across the street against a red light, staying in a damaging relationship….)
• that they should not have to cope with adversity (don’t know how to self-soothe & don’t want to, anyway)
bully blaing child• that it’s NOT up to them to make things better

🚫 ACoAs who habitually use blame as a defense hold ourself & others responsible for our life problems & emotional unhappiness – everyone except our family!
It’s a way of never having to look at one’s own self-defeating beliefs & life patterns – to avoid doing the hard work of growing & changing.

• But underneath, chronic blaming is also a way of expressing ACoAs’ sense of powerlessness – convinced we’re unable (not allowed) to get our needs met.
So we rely on others to make up for & provide us with all the things our parents couldn’t or didn’t want to.
Then we can accuse people of letting us down – when they ‘don’t come thru’ – even though what we expect from them is totally unrealistic & inappropriate!
<— IMAGE: The Al-alanon handshakeAnon handshake: one finger pointed at another, BUT 3 pointing back at ourselves.

CRUCIAL : When considering this character defect, it only applies to adults, not children. Also, there’s a difference between what’s legitimately pointing out a problem or abuse, & what’s not.
Legit’ blame (assigning responsibility), is on behalf of Children :
parents & other adults ARE answerable for the pain they caused us growing up – whether they think they had a choice to do so or not (physical & emotional abusive, or abandonment because of mental illness, divorce, death…).

Not Legit’ blaming OTHER adults, or about any group :
Only the unhealthy parts of us indulge in this attitude.  Blamers look at everything that happens to them in the world thru the internal filter of their WIC (fantasy excitement or abandonment depression), but react externally as their PigP (superiority or finger-shaking).
And for the covert blamer, both filters can be well-hidden until something doesn’t work out the way they want.

NEXT: ACoAs & Blame (Part 3)

ACoAs & BLAME (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

the BLAME GAMETAKING RESPONSIBILITY
is a healthier way to live

PREVIOUS: Revenge #2

SITE: “Blame – What’s the Use?” Psych & religious

Post: “Satir’s BLAMER Role“


BLAME as a ‘social disease’ – by Carl Alasko
“Deeply embedded throughout our society is the destructive psychology of blame. We tend to view it as a necessary behavior, a way to seek justice, a synonym for accountability or responsibility. It is none of these.
In fact, blame is a four-headed beast that attacks our very spirit.

We can launch these behaviors separately or fuse them into an assault that can annihilate the intended target. Painful emotions can & do kill. Consider those who commit suicide when battered by just one of these toxic tactics – that of humiliation. Indeed, blame is so unrelentingly harmful exactly because its primary function is to injure.

• There’s also an unacknowledged psychological paradox embedded in blame that preserves its vampire-like longevity : Screen Shot 2016-06-01 at 4.04.05 PM.pngHuman beings are hard-wired to dump their uncomfortable emotions on to others. So blame helps reduce our anxieties by externalizing our fears & stresses.

Naturally this does not excuse or condone it, since humans are also capable of learning how to accept & deal with our inner ‘demons’.

We see how political candidates temporarily surge in popularity when attacking an opponent, which reinforces the ‘value’ of the tactic. Then the opponents responds in kind, & the cycle continues. This dynamic is also at the root of bullying, whether in school or on the street. The bully’s internal anxieties are relieved by debasing another person or group. Thus blame feeds the roots of every form of bigotry, sexism and racism.”

🌀 🌀 🌀

ABUSE / cruelty : ‘Blaming the victim’ is holding someone responsible for pain they have or are suffering, especially when they did not cause it & had no way of preventing it
EXP: Born with some defect, illness, deficiency…..

Adult Blamers, in the present : the mental decision (conscious or not) to accuse someone of causing our suffering (even if accurate), WITHOUT acknowledging any possible part we may have in the source of our pain (sticking around for it, misunderstandings….)

Damaged parents often blame their children & the whole world for their own short coimages-2mings & life stressors (“Your made me hit you! If it weren’t for you I could have…..”). Then it’s only natural that as children we take on the blame. So we learned to:
• hold ourselves accountable for what was not our responsibility, AND
• not hold others accountable for their bad behavior, and/OR
• blame others for our troubles, the way our parents did

SELF-HATE is the result – incorrectly blaming ourselves when anyone hurts us, even though we have nothing to do with causing it.
ACoAs IRONY:
While easily pointing out other people’s shortcomings (as it affect us, of course), <—-> being hurt by them triggers our S-H, to deny feeling vulnerable.
Actually, we have it backwards – we blame ourselves for the source of our pain to avoid holding our parents accountable for those original wounds.

Reality : We did not deserve being blamed as kids, & we don’t deserve our S-H now, which is simply agreeing with the Perpetrators. In many alcoholic & other unhealthy families, no one recognized or took responsibility for their abusive or neglectful ways, & certainly never for their twisted thoughts & disowned emotions.

• It’s imperative for ACoAs to identify when or if someone is actually doing something harmful, neglectful, abandoning – to us or to others. If we are not sure, we can start by making a list of all the ways & times various people have hurt us or our loved ones, & look for common threads. (22 POSTs : “What just happened?” re. Noticing Painful Events)

This inventory is a sincere effort to clarity what we’ve experienced, especially when at the hands of someone who is taking out their damage on us.
The legitimate motivation for this kind of writing has to be the desire to identify & distinguish between:
• when we’re angry because of unrealistic expectations & assumptions, vs.
• breaking denial about harmful relationships we hang on to, so we can outgrow the addiction to abuse

NEXT: Blame #2

Rebellion vs COMPLIANCE (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

compliance
I HAVE TO GIVE IN or I won’t be liked!

PREVIOUS:
REBELLION vs Compliance (#1)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

REBELLION
1. HEALTHY (Part 1)

2. UNHEALTHY (cont)
b. Over-coerced (cont)
✶ Our reaction
THEN: For ACoAs in this group, being rebellious or resistant was an attempt to hang on to a fragile developing identity, in the face of our parents’ active, daily effort to obliterate it.
It was a desperate effort to resist ‘psychic murder’. As long as we were living with our family, this defense was a necessary & partially successful survival boundary

NOW: Many ACoAs from this background will become the overtly Rebellious type – at work, in relationships, everywhere.
In this case the rage at our abuse is obvious. It’s the WIC’s punforgicingowerlessness in childhood – being ineffectual at actually making any changes for the better.

But the reality of not originally having had an effect on the environment created a double bind :
“I can’t have an effect (for myself) and I must have an effect (on them).”
This often leads to socially unacceptable behavior, sometimes ending in trouble with a variety of authority figures.

These ACoAs are more likely to be:
• counter-phobic – acting like nothings scares us, & believing it
• oppositional – needing to say NO to almost everything we didn’t think of ourself, often saying “Yes, but…”

• in a relationships to feel powerful – being aggressive, controlling, the rescuer
• terrified of real commitment, choosing obviously ‘unavailable’ partners & friends, being promiscuous, not staying long, finding fault…..

Ultimately – being rebellious is not a successful or appropriate adaptation for most careers or relationships.
The whole world is not like our family – only the part that we’re attracted to or are able to ‘see’ – in order to continue relating to others in a familiar way – called the ‘repetition compulsion’.
(Post: REVERSE Laundry List & Recovery)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

COMPLIANCE
This is the opposite extreme defense – used also to protect oneself from psychic murder, & from ongoing mental, physical  &/or sexual abuse.

THEN: It looks like these ACoAs totally agreed with their parents & never tried to stand up for their own opinion & needs. Not doing so was imperative in many households, because to have had any individuality (like objecting to the abuse, or identifying the ‘elephant in the living room’) was so severely punished. These children had to be ‘good’ to just survive.

EXP: Think of Marvin Gaye, who as an adult finally stood up to his alcoholic father – to stop him from beating his mother. His father’s response: he murdered Marvin in his sleep!giving in

NOW: This compliance as adults may look like the passive resistance of rebellion, but there is a difference. These ACoAs :
• hide their rage under either cuteness & humor, or sullen withdrawal
• are often in a relationship with a bully &/or control freak
• look to others to tell them what to do & who to be
• may complain endlessly about being abused, but won’t risk a change
• are the ‘invisible’ ones around us, fading into the background
• have a greater tendency to severe depression, physical illness & suicide attempts than other types
• some can be pushed to the wall & then explode, but rarely

EXP: One compliant woman stayed married to a controlling bully for over 30 yrs. Everyone, including her kids, told her to leave but she never would. When he husband finally died, her friends thought: “Finally, she’s free. She can have a life of her own for the first time.” Wrong. She died within a year of being widowed!

• On the surface, this defensive style may result in lessening friction in the world, BUT is not respected by most people AND will cause the compliant person to slowly die inside. (Posts:“Secretly Angry NICE optistic?People“

RECOVERY
• It’s important to remember that these are DEFENSES, not our real personality, no matter how much it feels like it!

✶ BOTH styles are being run by the WIC in reaction – first to the original family – & now to the internalized Negative Introject.

✶✶ But much healing can be achieved to counter these defenses, with love, patience & the right kind of info.
(Posts: “My Rights // S& I – Healthy individuation“)

NEXT: ACoAs & BLAME #1