Psychotherapy

ACoAs – Dealing with Disputes (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self-care ,

ARE THE DIFFERENCES
between us too great?

PREVIOUS: Disputes #1

SITE: Resolving Neighbor Disputes
• 10 Ways to Handle Disagreements Effectively

⬅”BAYOU HUNTERS” designed & created by DMT


2. UNHEALTHY (Part 1) : Our unhealed REACTIONS

3. HEALTHY Responding
✥ On the other hand if you & one other, or you & a group – who are in some specific disagreement – are willing to work things out, everyone must be able to communicate their side reasonably, using their Adult ego state. Strong emotions will always be part of those situations, especially from everyone’s WIC (most people have one), but must not be the driving force

Then there is usually a way to resolve the dispute without losing oneself or losing face. It includes the ability to identify the current issue causing the friction, for EACH side to admit if they were wrong (the 10th Step), to apologize for any ‘bad’ behavior & to explain what was really bothering them in the first place. Only then can you begin to rationally negotiate a limited compromise or figure out what’s beneficial to both sides.

Naturally, for this to happen, the individual or a group majority we’d be dealing with – would have to have enough mental health so they can participate in this type of solution. Naturally, one-sided efforts never work – where we’re the only one always trying to be respectful & logical, or just giving in. (MORE….)

AN ASIDE: We’re familiar with the people who absolutely refuse to bend even a little on any point in dispute – the “Right-ists“.
⁉ Confusing: When both parties do own their part in the dissension (a P-A put-down, angry comment, a snubs, gossip….), identify where they’re coming from & apologize, BUT then realize they really do not want to continue their association. Both can be satisfied they’ve cleaned up their side of the street, but the difficulty highlighted an incompatibility already present.

RECOVERY Awareness
For things to work out well – as much as possible, we need at least some awareness of each of the following 13 points:

1. What are normal human needs / rights?
Coming from abusive & neglecting families, most ACoAs concluded that we don’t have any rights, & that we wouldn’t deserve them is we could imagine any! However, these are characteristics (in all 4 PMES categories) common to all human & also apply to us, absolutely
CHART: “Choosing relationship priorities… ”

«
2. What is Mental Health vs. what are ACoA / narcissistic / dysfunctional patterns ? For the latter, we can review the posts: ACoA Laundry List  // Are you an ACoA , & for the former:  Character Traits & contrasts // Emotional Maturity…. as well as many books & websites.

3. What are my specific needs, wants, & BUTTONS?
This takes time & work – to identify needs, wants, dreams…. specific to us.
It includes doing  family & personal inventories, & getting thoroughly acquainted with both our healthy & wounded Inner Children.
EXP of buttons: 🚺 Being accused wrongly / having to wait – for anything / not being understood / stupidity & incompetence, lateness or cancellations ….

4. Is what’s bothering me – a recurring pattern of behavior?
a, With new or brief acquaintances: If we thoroughly understand some dysfunctional way of thinking &/or acting and we’ve learned to trust our observations & instinct, we can easily & quickly identify red flags in someone when we see them, even if we barely know them.
🔎 In case you doubt your ability to do this, CONSIDER: If you know a song very well, someone only needs to hum a few bars – for you to recognize it!

b.  With longer-term acquaintances: Being around someone for a some prolonged time allows us to observe their characteristic ways of thinking, gesturing, behaving, talking…..
The problem is not in our ability to ‘see’, but rather our childhood training to be in denial, & a current unwillingness to acknowledge anything we think is too painful to accept.
EXP: If they — often or always over-react, treat us unfairly, are verbally & emotionally disrespectful, always late, lie or deflect…..–  it’s important to:
✘ see these behaviors as the damage & abuse it is, and
✘ do not ignore what we see & feel, by pretending it’s not happening

NEXT: Dispute #3

ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 5d)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery


PREVIOUS: Being Right #5c

7 POSTS : Multiple Intelligences  (learn the ways others are different from you)

4 POSTS : ANXIETY & T.E.A  (thoughts come before emotions)

2 POSTS : USE “THINK” instead of ‘feel’
(use ‘feel’ correctly to prevent confusion)


IDEAS for changing the aBR pattern (cont.)
🛠 Identify what you DO want
Start by noticing what you’re thinking – usually about what you don’t like – & then state the reverse. You may think:
• “If they really cared about me they wouldn’t act that way!” So what you do want is acceptance, belonging, consideration, respect
• “I hate when people lie to me!” So what you do want is being told the truth & reliability, so you can depend on others (feel safe)   ….etc….

🚀 Take Actions
Focus on specific things you can do or say each day that will create more of what you want. It will help if you improve what you say to yourself & how you behave. BUT mainly –
💛 If you want caring, fun, intellectual stimulation, reliability, ‘sanity’, sobriety, spirituality, trustworthiness…… look for people who already have those qualities & want to share them with you – without you having to rescue or fix them! (modified from ‘Focused Attention’_)

💋 💋 💋

❗️People in good relationships (but always imperfect) don’t worry about Being Right . Our scientifically-oriented society values BR over almost everything else. But then if one person feels they’ve ‘won’, the other will feel like a loser

😱 Ironically, when we correctly focus on our own happiness via self-care (not narcissistically), some needy people will accuse us of being spoiled or selfish, which tells us where they’re at.
However, if we co-dependently give in or always say “Yes dear”, we’ll feel unhappy & progressively become dis-empowered.

‼️ A recent Australian experiment in couple’s counseling asked a husband to agree with everything his wife said to avoid arguments – for 2 weeks. The effort was a disaster & quickly called off because the man began to feel terrible about himself, & ironically the wife became hostile, because she knew he wasn’t always being honest.

They found that agreeing –  just to agree – doesn’t work. There are many variables to consider if both partners are to feel good about themselves & each other.
MAIN requirement: Believe in what you’re agreeing with!

In GOOD relationships – partners have the ability:
• to see the “bigger picture” when making decisions, by deciding what’s truly important, what’s less so & what not at all
• to share in their partner’s joy over something, without envy
• to make their partner’s needs & feelings as important as their own (but not more so – except in dire circumstances, like a severe illness, death of family, loss of job….., but only temporarily!).  Then you, as the support person, needs to take your stress to Al-Anon, therapy, church, Massage, good friends…..

• Even for couples actively working on making things work, joint decisions about marital or family issues can be difficult – so it takes willingness to sometimes make mistakes, then admit, apologize & trying again
✳ Keeping the focus on yourself (your hidden agenda, real motivation, emotions, needs….) instead of pointing fingers – is the only way to keep things on an even keel

The next time an argument begins to heat up, ask yourself:
* Am I just wanting / demanding to be right in this situation?
* Can I let go of wanting to fight-to-be-right?
* Can I be OK with disagreement – even if I’m legitimately in the right?
* Can I simply admit an error, & then ask for what I need?
* Can I choose to be happy instead of “dead-right?”

The goal in any discussion & plan is for both people (or members of a group) to be respected & heard. ALSO – Kindness helps! Successful interactions add to feeling loved & valued, creating even more happiness. (More…)

NEXT: Dealing with disputes, #1

ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 5c)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

I’M COMFORTABLE WITH MYSELF
whether I’m right or wrong!

PREVIOUS: Being Right #5b

SITE: “Why always having to be right can poison your relationships”

 

IDEAS for changing the aBR pattern (cont)
• When you feel the urge to force your way on a person or situation, decide not to – just this once (each time). Go with the flow & see what happens
• Notice whenever something is actually out of your control. If YES, then accept that.
How does it feel in your body – to not react? What can you learn about yourself? How can you make it an advantage?? HINT: You can relax more often!
• Accept that there’s no such thing as control over PPT, only yourself.
(Modified from ‘Simple Life Strategies‘)

🙀 Every so often admit WHEN you’re actually wrong about something – but not if you’re not! If someone insists you’re wrong about something, & you’re sure how you feel about that specific issue, you can say so clearly with our anger OR just smile.
If that’s too scary to contemplate right now, then —
• you don’t have to say you’re wrong out loud, but consider admitting it to yourself later – when you feel psychologically/emotionally stronger / safer, OR
• maybe try admitting an error when it’s not about something important to your sense of identity, & only to someone you know won’t judge you – ever
AND:
• notice how often you get upset when someone doesn’t agree with you by implying you’re stupid or wrong). Take a breath, understand it’s either your WIC or PP reacting, & know that insisting on being validated is ‘off’
• if by any remote possibility you conclude you’re truly wrong about something, OR you reacted to a trigger by not being acknowledged, just sit with it for a little while
• do NOT judge yourself & get angry if you’re reactive L.et it be an opportunity to learn more about your Wounded Child, the False Self you’re working on outgrowing.

You can say things like:
“I think I was mistaken about that // Yes, you were right about this // I got that wrong, my bad”….. it may come as a shock to you, & to others 😟. It can take courage & integrity, & is a character-building experience

• Letting go of the aBR compulsion is about having the serenity that comes from knowing what you are absolutely sure about & what you actually have control over , as well as accepting that other adults are responsible for what they think & do.
• Remind yourself they have the right to believe what they want, because they have their own point of view & experience.
• Work on being OK with the fact that not everyone will admit you know more than they, or that you’re right  about something – when you are. Maybe they feel threatened or jealous, really don’t understand your point, or are just being contrary.

IMP: Allowing others the right to be whoever they are doesn’t mean going along with anything they say or do. IF their way of being is unsafe or simply incompatible with you – you don’t have to make them wrong – just keep your boundaries & maybe even keep your distance!

Emotions are your Guidance System. When you’re uncomfortable, or anxious or angry – it could be that:
• something in the present is pushing your old buttons, so your wounded child (WIC) is being reminded of past abuses & abandonments, OR
• they are a warning signal that someone is mistreating you – no matter how subtle or indirect, OR
• something’s missing from the situation or relationship – something  deeply important to you that you need . HINT :  it leaves you bored, sad, annoyed, frustrated, lonely….)

NEXT: Being RIGHT, #5d

ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 3b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

WHY DOESN’T EVERYONE
see my point of view!??

PREVIOUS: Being Right (#3a)

SITEs :’The Need To Be Right‘
“Addicted to being right“

⬅ “OFFICE SELFIE” by DMT


REMINDER: BR comes in various degrees of intensity. You may have a touch of it, or it may run your whole way of interacting with others.

ACoA ADDICTED to Being Right – aBR (cont.)
It fits the characteristics of an alcoholic or otherwise narcissistic family – as perfectionism & grandiosity. So, no matter how helpful to others our info or how valid our beliefs are, the way we know we’re in the grip of aBR (a character defect) is that it doesn’t allow for anyone else to also be right – for themself.

▲Knowledgeable people who are reasonably healthy will share their expertise with anyone seeking it, but never press other to listen or to agree. They know everyone has the human right to their own info & choices.

But being aBR can be the cause for attacking anyone who challenges our world view. Others may have good ideas, their own process, a different way of working toward a goal OR they may be deep in denial & acting out their damage.
Regardless, if what or who they are doesn’t agree with our ‘truth’, we will badger or cold-shoulder them.

We function from the unspoken thought:
“I can’t bear it when someone contradicts or ignores me. So I wait. I watch. I react. I pounce – ready to belittle, correct, insult, make fun of, negate…..”
And if someone stands up for their opinions or style – or is just silent, we get very upset, get pushier, possibly even meaner. We won’t feel OK until & unless the other person capitulates.

EXP: When ranting about anything she thinks is wrong – with a person or in the world – one woman heads off any logic, comment or disagreement from her long-suffering husband with the command: “Just say YES!

RESULTS
While we who are Right-ists can easily find insecure wounded souls who will let themself be bullied, none of our tactics work with severe narcissists. And as for long-term active addicts, if they want to keep ‘using’, nothing we do will stop them!

Being convinced there’s a certain way everyone should think or act (unhealthy Ennea-type #1) will ultimately lead to personal frustration, annoyance & disappointment when others don’t follow our rules or opinions. This increases our underlying fear & rigidity. We feel betrayed, assuming someone we’ve tried to convince has automatically agreed to follow our lead, but then reneged on the implied compliance.

This is a thoroughly mistaken assumption, since most people do not automatically fall in behind the Right-ist, & their silence does not mean agreement. And whenever there is even a crack in our illusion, as Right-ists we don’t see our narcissism, but prefer to attack & accuse others.

Giving everyone the message they are or should be exactly like us obviously stiffles their ability or willingness to be cooperative & stay connected. If they don’t leave altogether, they pull away from us – the supposed ‘righteous’ one – reinforcing the feeling of abandonment on both sides.

aBR prevents us from experiencing the understanding & intimacy we say we desire. We can’t understand why our partner/ boss/ child….. is so angry with us. We’re convinced they should be making changes – then we’d get along just fine! After all, we don’t want to confused ourself with reality – like that others have the right to their own way of thinking & doing things – when we’ve already made up their mind for them!

Spiritual Narcissism –  Right-its can easily be dogma-zealots about anything we’re fired up about, trying to convince/convert the ‘ignorant’. We may sincerely believe we’re justified & being helpful, that having found the one & only ‘right way’ now we can set others straight & solve all their problems. But it’s up to the other person whether or not they’re interested in our position, and what works for one person, family or group is not always right for another.

NEXT: Being Right (Part 4)

ACoAs being “RIGHT” (Part 3a)

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IF I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO’S RIGHT
everyone else is useless!

PREVIOUS: Being Right (#2)

SITEs: 38 (unhealthy) Ways to Win an Argument w/chart


DEFs:
▶︎ Rightness = A belief or action conforming to facts or truth. What is most favorable or desired
❖ Self-righteous = Convinced of one’s own virtue ((being perfect & therefore superior, even when well-hidden from most others) which is in stark contrast to the actions & beliefs of society. Being narrow-mindedly, moralistic. ~ Webster’s dictionary

REMINDER: BR comes in various degrees of intensity. You may have a touch of it, or it may run your whole way of interacting with others.

ACoA ADDICTED to Being Right (aBR) (cont. from Part 2)
PAST: We suffered thru an abusive, controlling & neglected upbringing, Constantly forced to give up our way of thinking, doing or feeling around a Right-ist – we gradually became less able to express ourself, seemingly less competent & articulate (brain-freeze).

We may have seemed stupid, making the bullying Right-ist even more convinced of their superiority. Flooded with fear & anger temporarily diminishes the capacity to use the frontal cortex, which is needed for thinking, decision-making & self-control.

• With some oppressive authority figures, BR was dangerous because it showed them up & was considered ‘arrogant’, slowly forming our belief that we don’t know anything

• With others, a way to survive & avoid punishment was to always get it right, prove it without mistakes & justify ourself – forming the assumption that we must know everything.

🚦Double bind: Many of us were constantly told we were ignorant / stupid / unteachable – while at the same time expected to take care of them as if we were adults trained in several professions!

NOW: Always having to be right can be used as a protective cover, giving us a false sense of stability & control. Projecting our scary childhood onto the whole world, we assume everything is still & forever unsafe, assuming we need to be perfect – to prevent further danger.
Still desperate to please so we won’t keep getting abandoned, we wobble on the fence between these 2 false beliefs (know everything, know nothing), inevitably falling off, inevitably feeling miserable. This original dilemma has left us with rage & S-H, alternating between rebellion & paralysis.

• Many grew up with one or more severe narcissist – who always had to have their way. Then some of us took up the Right-ist mantle & carry it forward, tromping on others as we were tromped on. (See Right-ist characteristics – Part 2)

— SUBTLE but pervasive – perfectionism is aBR in disguise. We can keep this obsession better hidden, but the obvious result is decades of procrastination. 

— BLATANT: Wanting & insisting on getting our own way most or all of the time – is the narcissism of the False Self, a common character flaw of wounded people (the majority!). We will push & push to get others to see that our way is the not only correct – but the only possibility.

• Feeling superior (aBR), we may not even realize our anxiety is temporarily relieved when we get our way: “I knew I was right! Now that you’ve got that straight, we can go on.” It calms us – our security blanket in an unsafe world. But it’s a false solution because our damage is still lurking in the background, waiting for someone or something to set it off. Unhealed, we’re driven by old, deep terror.

• But like any addiction, having to BR is very stressful – always vigilant, afraid to make a mistake, never truly safe, never comfortable.
While outside it shows up as false pride – the need to feel important or better than everyone else – inside it’s driven by inadequacy & shame, which we may not even be aware of! Especially if we need to be seen as innocent, good & all-knowing.

We’ll use charm & manipulation alternating with anger & intimidation, to force our agenda on whoever we deal with . However, all we end up doing is alienating others by being high maintenance, or taking psychological prisoners of the insecure. In the process we sacrifice our own well-being.

NEXT : BR, #3b.

ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth , , , , , , ,

IF I DON’T INSIST
no one will pay attention!

PREVIOUS: Psychopath Red flags #3

SITEs:
 Why is it so important to be right? 

QUOTEs: “Everything that is in agreement with our personal desires seems true. Everything that is not – puts us in a rage.”~ Andre Maurois
🔎 “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”   Isaac Asimov

 

What does ‘BEING RIGHT’ (BR) mean?
a. OK : Generally refers to having accurate information, knowing the right way to do something, or being sure of who we are, what we want, how we feel… It can be about:
• Assertiveness: being accurately sure about a subject or a person (“I know what I know”) & not afraid to stand by it
• Justice: fighting for what is just & right, especially in the face of opposition, but not for personal gain or to feed one’s ego
OR
b. NOT OK : Trying to force others to see our point of view & see the world exactly the way we do. It can be from:
• Narcissism: needing others to agree with us (“I’m right & you’re not”), in order to preserve the False Persona we’ve carefully crafted to cover up feeling insecure & vulnerable
• Symbiosis: the need/demand that others are just like us (“agree with me”) in order to not feel alone & abandoned
🚫 BOTH are being out of touch with one’s True Self

SO – it’s important to know when it’s legitimate to be right or not
Al-Anon tells us to ask ourselves “Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?” It’s a choice between getting our way (at any cost) OR having peaceful encounters with others.
This Q. is addressed to those of us who are co-dependents & addicts, since it would be a rare issue for healthy people. We can also say that Right and Happy are really not opposite ends of a spectrum. Instead it’s about the right/freedom of others to have their own point of view, AND being OK/safe with their right/freedom.

● The Q. comes up when we are having a disagreement with someone & feel an internal pressure (from the PP or the WIC) to get them to do something our way, to understand our point or to agree with our opinion – in order to feel connected. This can only happen if we still have a great deal of unresolved abandonment fear. Remembering the co-dep Triangle (Rescuer-Victim-Persecutor), even victims can become bullies when terrified & desperate to not feel but off.

● It’s a tricky Q. for us to answer because:
💌 some of us go along with whatever others say just to ‘keep the peace’ but really it’s to not have the other person be angry or leave us
💌 some of us never agree with anyone for fear of being swallowed up & disappear (used as a false boundary), while –
💌 others can manage disagreements in some situations (casual friends, co-workers….) but not in others, as when deeply attached to a person or position (lover, job…), then our WIC desperately feels it needs to go along with ‘whatever.

The Brain Is Hooked on Being Right
In situations of high stress, fear or distrust – like being wrong, ignored or laughed at – our brain chemistry (cortisol….) makes ‘decisions’ about how best to protect itself. We default to 1 of 4 F responses:
• fight – keep arguing the point, which is the hardest on relationships, & unfortunately the most common
• flight – revert to or hide behind group consensus
• freeze – mentally disengage, or shut up
• fawn – appease, ‘make nice’ by simply agreeing

The Fight reaction is partly due to other neuro-chemicals. When we argue & win, our brain floods with adrenaline & dopamine, making us feel good, dominant, even invincible. It’s understandable that we’d want to repeat those feelings. So the next time we’re in a tense situation, we fight again, & over time will get addicted to being ‘right’.
BUT if we’re getting high from being one-up, then the other person / group is one-down & therefore diminished.

NEXT: Being Right (Part 2)

RED FLAGS from Psychopaths (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , , ,


ALL OF THEIR CHARM
is a lie, but hard to resist

PREVIOUS: Psychopath RED FLAGS #2

BOOKs: “Psychopath FREE”

 

2. SOCIAL Manipulation (in Part 2)

3. GENERAL  (cont)
• Hate filled – they’re obsessed with humiliating anyone who is successful, kind & cheerful, taking a delight in breaking up friendships & marriages

• Lie & make excuses – about everything, even when it’s not necessary, & can make up lies faster than you can question them

• No startle response – they have a total absence of anxiety, fear & worry – where there would be in a ‘normal’ person. They always seem to be calm, rarely stressed or nervous. This may be the result of decreased activity in the amygdala (emotion center of the brain)

• No boundaries – they invade personal space, standing too close. Research shows that ‘cold-hearted’ (inter-personally aloof) people prefer less distance between themselves & others. It may be a subtle symptom of aggression, as in “In your face”

• Physical — psychopaths need very little sleep – maybe 4-5 hrs a night. They’re always on the go, searching for new stimulation
— Research indicates they have a poor sense of smell – have a hard time identifying something or knowing the difference between smells
— They seem to have little or no body odor, maybe from frequent showers, carrying deodorant or a change of clothes – all to make a good impression

• Thirst for attention & adoration is obsessive & insatiable. You thought you were the only one who could make them happy, but now you see that anyone with a pulse can fill the role. They will drain you dry, but no one can fill the void in a psychopath’s ‘soul

4. REACTIONS – in YOU, the ‘Receiver’ of P-A
.• Crazed – After being around a psychopath for a while, you’ll feel insane, exhausted, drained, shocked, suicidal & empty. You’ve torn your entire life apart for them – spending money, ending friendships, searching for some sort of reason behind it all. None of it worked & there is no sane explanation. Psychopaths are hollow, deliberately using people & then discarding them like soiled clothes

• Denial – You feel on edge around this person, but you still want them to like you. You write off most of their questionable behavior as accidental or insensitive, because you’re insecure & in constant competition with others for their attention & praise

• Explaining (a) – You desperately ask them to imagine how they’d feel if you treated them in a hurtful way, but they just stare at you blankly. No adult should have to be told how they are making others feel. But psychopaths can’t seem to put themselves in your shoes, or anyone else’s either.  If it doesn’t bother them, why would it bother you?

•  Explaining (b) You find yourself trying to get across the basic elements of human respect to a full-grown adult. ‘Normal’ people understand the fundamental concepts of honesty & kindness, but not a psychopath. They don’t have a conscience.

• Insecurity – During & after the relationship, you’ll spend a lot more time in front of the mirror. (Thank You to “ckwanderlust” for their valuable insights)

•  No fighting – you’re afraid that any way you disagree with them could mean the end. Normal couples argue to resolve issues, but psychopaths make it clear that unpleasant conversations will jeopardize the relationship, especially anything to do with their behavior. You apologize & forgive quickly, otherwise you know they’ll lose interest

• Research – You find yourself playing detective, looking for answers to a feeling you can’t quite explain. It’s never happened in your other relationship, but suddenly you’re checking their old emails, cell phone texts, search logs, old Facebook pages & pics, about their ex…..

It’s not you! Their treatment was never about you! What you’re responsible for is staying with someone who mistreated you. That you can change – but never them!

KNOWLEDGE – If you’re wise enough to be on the outside looking at the psychopath, you may be the only one who knows that something’s seriously wrong with them. But no one will listen. Psychopaths are able to maintain superficial friendships far longer than ‘intimate’ relationships.

Friends, family, co-workers will think he/she is great, even though they’ve been taken advantage of, even outright scammed. Unfortunately, ‘victims’ won’t object because they’re distracted with shallow attention & praise – often on social media.
All you can do is say what is true & then let go!

NEXT: Being ‘Right’ #1

RED FLAGS from Psychopaths (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem , , , ,

LISTEN TO PATTERN
of their conversation

PREVIOUS: Red Flags #1

BOOK:  HOW to TAKE REVENGE on a NARCISSIST: Take your power back by using their secret techniques 

List BASED ON: “30 Red Flags of Manipulative People”

 

1. RELATIONAL Manipulation (Part 1)

2. SOCIAL Manipulation
• Boredom – They focus more on their new activity & ignore other ones with you. They don’t seem to care when you’re not nearby, since they can just as easily move on to the next source of energy

• Comparing you with everyone else in their life, including your eventual replacement. When idealizing you, you feel very special by being told how much better you are than ‘these’ people. Later, when devaluing you, they use these comparisons to cut you down

• Communicating – texts you dozens of times a day, adding compliments, flattery, songs & poems on Facebook….  You come to rely on this flood of attention as a source of self-confidence

• Denouncing – they seem to have an unusual amount of crazies in their past. They bad-mouth previous business execs & personal relationships who ‘abandoned’ them, labeling those people as disloyal, jealous, bipolar, alcoholic….  They’ll trash-talk about you the same way to their next target

• Exes, Exes, Exes – it’s the psychopath’s favorite topic of conversation & you’re stuck listening about previous relationships all the time – their names & everything that happened between them – but only the psychopath’s version

• In Demand – they surround themselves with former lovers & potential mates, bragging that their exes still want to sleep with him/her, but assures you not to worry. You feel jealous, believing your partner is in high demand

• Isolating – If you try to keep up ties with family & friends outside your relationship, they will be sure to undermine each one until you’re severed. And if you work hard to foster inner peace in your life, they’ll make it their mission to destroy every avenue or tool you try to use

• Mind reading. Psychopaths expect you to always be able to know what they want or need, when they’re upset, when they don’t feel well, when they want you to do something – all without saying!

• Rivalry – they shift their laser focus from you back to previously denounced exes, using social media to post ambiguous videos & status updates, old songs & inside jokes. They make you doubt your importance to them, but if called out will say it’s all innocent – that you’re paranoid.

• Shape shifting. They adopt different personae for different people or groups, transforming their outward personality to match their audience. But sometimes they forget what role they’re playing with you, then slip & accidentally use the wrong mask. You begin to wonder – Who are they really?
Very eerie, but it’s not Multiple Personality Disorder. Each shift is conscious & cleverly molded – all to cover their inner emptiness.

3. GENERAL
• Blaming others – nothing is ever their fault. They spend all their time rationalizing & excusing their behavior rather than improving it

•  Dichotomy – they confuse you by acting like a swaggering street-smarts toughness, alternating with a little boy/girl ‘innocence’ routine (not real!).

• Fake goodness – they may create a ‘saintly’ aura by engaging in phony altruism (volunteering, donating, gift-giving…), & then can’t wait to boast about the great things they do for others – to gain your trust

•  Fake ‘tears’ – their emotions are shallow & short-lived.
— the’ve learned to copy emotions they see in others, so the mask rarely slips – unconsciously, when you get a feeling hint that something’s ‘off”
— you may catch flashes of contempt (feeling superior), unrelated to anything going at the moment. Micro-expressions leak their true opinions
— rage is one of the few Es they actually feel, but even so they can go from ranting to compete calm in a minute

• Fun – they actively search our extreme sports & dangerous activities, from a need to feel excitement via high risk & intensity. Anything from ‘BASE’ jumping to having sex in public, from juggling matches to carelessly cheating on a mate

• Overwhelming selfishness – only their needs, desires, opinions, upsets… count

•  Talking style – on the one hand their speech is filled with ‘umm / er / uh’ s… maybe   needing the time or mental effort to come up with the next lie, ‘story’ or way to make a good impression
On the other hand – they can barrage you with endless (sometimes interesting) monologues, like being on stage, but ignore responses or interruptions

• TMI – they love to tell about shady & ‘dirty’ things they’ve done (business & sexual) – as if those were something to be proud of – while giving the impression that’s all in the past for them.    (Modified from “Identifying a Psychopath….”)

NEXT: Psychopath RED FLAGS #3

RED FLAGS from Psychopaths (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , , ,


NOTICE HOW OUT OF TUNE
they are with the rest of us

PREVIOUS: Dealing with P-As, #5

SITE: Movie Psychopaths – Most & Least realistic 


BASED ON: “30 Red Flags of Manipulative People”

Many of these Red Flags are contradictory – which is part of the psychopath’s bag of tricks. Don’t be fooled, because if  you believe their initial con-job, then they can keep you off balance, & you stay hooked.

★ We always need to be awake for what people are telling us about themselves – in all relationships. One Red Flag to look for is:
Always be suspicious of anyone who comes on too strong, too attentive & complimentary, too easily ‘attached’ – almost as soon as they meet you, even if some of what they say about you is accurate. They simply don’t know you yet, so all their sweet-talk is a form of manipulation & narcissism. It’s creepy!

Healthy people are not taken in by this – they can ‘feel’ such a person’s inappropriateness, whether from neediness or used as a self-serving hook. Smart adults take the time to slowly get to know others, allowing the process to unfold the truth. This is especially important for ACoAs, who are looking for a symbiotic, instant attachment – but which makes us vulnerable to being used & then thrown away!

1. RELATIONAL Manipulation
• Bait & Switch. After the initial seduction & idealization phase, they stop the compliments & flattery, then undermine your self-esteem by being degrading & belittling

• Be Non-reactive – they’re cool, calm & collected & want you to feel inferior or over-sensitive for having normal human emotions & reactions

• Controlling – They tell you what to of, say & feel. They try to ‘fix’ you up, obsessed with your appearance, making comments about what you’re wearing  & how you look, always picking at you, pointing out flaws that don’t even exist\

• Declare you are their soul mate – in the beginning: psychopaths will tell you how much you have in common, they just can’t believe how perfect you are for them, let you do all the talking…. so you’re enchanted

• Flatter your deepest insecurities, mirroring your greatest fantasies, playing whatever role is necessary to win your heart. EXP:
— If you’re self-conscious about your looks, they’ll say you’re the sexiest person in the world
— If you have a need to be entertaining, they’ll say you’re the funniest most interesting person they’ve ever known….

• Gaslighting. Psychopaths blatantly deny their own manipulative behavior, ignoring clear evidence when confronted with it. They get angry if you try to disprove their denial / delusions using facts

• Insult you in a joking but condescending way, subtly minimizing your intelligence & achievements, such as smirk any time you try to express yourself

• Over-emphasize emotions, verbally, but not ever show any themselves. Make passionate statements like “I’ve never felt so happy in my life”, but in a robotic, detached voice – like an alien trying to imitate human feelings

• Provoke emotional reactions – deliberately setting you up. EXP:
— call you jealous after blatantly flirting with their ex on social media
— call you needy after intentionally ignoring you for 3 days straight…..

• Teasing you becomes their major style of communication – “just joking”! If you point this out, they call you hypersensitive, paranoid & cra

• Ultimate hypocrite. Psychopaths expect you to be their perfect mate, demanding total fidelity, respect & admiration – while they cheat, lie, steal & use you emotionally

• Withhold attention. Once you’re hooked they suddenly become withdrawn & physically uninterested – without any obvious reason or explanation. They act bored, like it’s a chore to be intimate, completely annoyed that you expect to continue the passionate relationship they started.
It make you desperate & needy, ensuring that you’ll always be the one to initiate contact

• Silent treatment: If they stop talking to you for several days, it’s to show their displeasure because they want you to believe that it was your fault for expecting too much from them, for ruining their plans, for not being available when they wanted you…. & they’ll play the victim as an excuse for not telling you

• Spotlight – always shining it on your faults and ignoring their own. If you point out their mistakes, they’re quick to point the finger back at you.  EXP:
— If they’re 2 hours late, they remind you that you were once 5 minutes late to your first date
— If they’ve forgotten to keep a promise, they remind you of the time you didn’t buy the milk you said you’d pick it up for their breakfast…..

• Teasing you becomes their major style of communication – “just joking”! If you point this out, they call you hypersensitive, paranoid & crazy

NEXT: Red Flags, #2

DEALING with P-As: Communication (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery

PREVIOUS: Dealing with P-As – Communication (4a)

SITE:  “How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People,

NOTE: Communication is the T category of T.E.A. It’s about words, & can be expressed non-verbally, with body language & tone of voice…..

ALSO – It’s understood that dealing with a P-A at work has the advantage that they are being paid to accomplish tasks & can be fired ‘for cause’. Dealing with P-As at home is much harder, whether a spouse or child, altho you can ‘fire’ a spouse, but not young children. YOUR attitude has a big impact on how you communicate with them.

Def – ATTITUDE: A predisposition & tendency toward or habitual way of responding to ideas, objects, people or situations. Each specific attitude (helpful, positive, negative, arrogant, defiant, cool….) will influence ones choice of response to difficult or pleasant experiences (stimuli).  The 4 main components are:
(1) Affective : emotions or feelings (2) Cognitive : conscious beliefs or opinions
(3) Conative : inclination to act, implies striving (4) Evaluative : positive or negative

Stay Friendly AND Assertive
P-As vent emotion from behind a mask of indifference. Because they feed on negativity, they look for a ‘bad reaction’ from the Receiver (R= us) so they can make their stress reaction be about you, without getting blamed.

Don’t stoop to their level in return.- being P-A or attacking.  If you fall for their ploy of letting them getting under your skin, it will divert attention from the real problem you want to address. Be open, honest & direct about the issue, which will allow you to be more in charge of your responses.

Staying calm lets you clearly see their actions rather than what’s wrong with you. Model positive behavior. Whether dealing with children or adults, show how you handle frustrations & problems in healthy ways (Adult ego state), which will let others know what you expect of them, & how to interact with you. But don’t assume they’ll copy you!

Assertive communication is direct, non-reactive, & respectful.
In dealing with adults, being mentally clear & emotionally level-headed are important in dealing with a P-A. Show confidence, be collaborative & state that you want to solve the problem in a way that works for both of you. It’s not just about getting your way, but taking the other person into consideration. Offer a positive alternative to their behavior & its advantages, as well as asking the P-A to contribute a useful option they can live with. Take the time to reach a fair solution

• Avoid broad statements like “You’re always doing this! / Why can’t you ____? / When are you going to____?….” These are accusations, not solutions
• Avoid verbal confrontations & power struggles which only reinforces the passive-aggressiveness, which will increase your frustration
• Avoid rehashing the past, trying to force a solution, or sounding disgusted
• Avoid telling them what you think their motive is for problem behavior., You’re not their therapist
• Avoid telling them they’re being passive aggressive! 😬

♦︎ Instead, point out the inconsistencies between their words & actions, keeping it factual rather than emotional. Describe their specific behavior objectively & its negative effect on the goal you’ve set for them (which they may even have agreed to but are ‘messing up’) : clean the garage, finish a paper, write a proposal, prepare a presentation, research a subject, fill out their eval form, pick up milk….

Listening (4 posts) – It’s also important to hear what the P-A is saying, without interrupting, especially without accusation or blame. Consider the other person’s point-of-view, & acknowledge it. Validate their feelings or opinions, even if you think / know they are wrong.  Acknowledging that you heard their position does not automatically mean you agree with them.

In Mild situations, use humor! This helps in conflict resolution, can be a great way to shine a light on the truth, disarm difficult behavior & show your composure.
EXP: Is someone you see often is too stuck up to respond to your: “Hello, how are you?, you can say – to their silence: “That good, eh?” It may or may not break the ice.

NOTE: Other reasons for their silence are not always P-A but rather may be shyness, preoccupation or illness. One woman who was undergoing chemo treatments felt awful much of the time. Every week an acquaintance would ask “How are you”. After the second or third time the sufferer got tired of repeating “I’m in pain, weak & tired, thanks.” So she stopped responding & just shook her head. She hoped shuffling along with a cane would be enough of an answer!

NEXT: Dealing with P-As #5