WHY DOESN’T EVERYONE
see my point of view!??
PREVIOUS: Being Right (#3a)
SITE:’The Need To Be Right‘
⬅ “OFFICE SELFIE” by DMT
REMINDER: BR comes in various degrees of intensity. You may have a touch of it, or it may run your whole way of interacting with others.
ACoA ADDICTED to Being Right – aBR (cont.)
No matter how helpful to others our info or how valid our beliefs are, the way we know we’re in the grip of aBR (a character defect) is that it doesn’t allow for anyone else to also be right – for themselves.
It fits the characteristics of an alcoholic or otherwise narcissistic family – as perfectionism & grandiosity.
▲Knowledgeable people who are reasonably healthy will share their expertise with anyone seeking it, but never press other to listen or to agree. They know everyone has the human right to their own info & choices.
▼Instead, ingrained Right-ists truly feel justified in their position, rarely if ever open to seeing the arrogance & selfishness of their attitude. Whatever damage created this is so deeply hidden in the unconscious, that they are sure of themselves & comfortable in their superiority – there is no internal cognitive dissonance.
While the aBR form of communication may ‘feel right’ to the Right-ist, it’s abusive to others – as seen in oppressive political or religious environments.
And for us personally, aBR can easily be the impetus for attacking anyone who challenges our world view. Others may have good ideas, their own process, a different way of working toward a goal OR they may be deep in denial & acting out their damage.
Regardless, if what or who they are doesn’t agree with our ‘truth’, we will badger or cold-shoulder them.
We function from the unspoken thought:
“I can’t bear it when someone contradicts or ignores me. So I wait. I watch. I react. I pounce – ready to belittle, correct, insult, make fun of, negate…..”
And if someone stands up for their opinions or style – or just ignores us, we get very upset, get pushier, possibly even meaner. We won’t feel OK until & unless the other person capitulates.
While we who are Right-ists can easily find insecure wounded souls who will let themselves be bullied, none of our tactics work with long-term active addicts. 💂 If they want to keep ‘using’, nothing we do will stop them!
Being convinced there’s a certain way everyone should think or act ultimately leads to personal frustration, annoyance & disappointment when others don’t follow our rules or opinions. This increases our fear & rigidity. We feel betrayed, assuming someone has automatically agreed to follow our lead, but then reneged on the implied compliance.
This is a thoroughly mistaken assumption, since most people do not automatically fall in behind the Right-ist, & their silence does not mean agreement. And whenever there is even a crack in our illusion, as Right-ists we don’t see our narcissism, but prefer to attack & accuse others.
Giving everyone the message they are or should be exactly like us obviously undermines their ability or willingness to be cooperative & stay connected. If they don’t leave altogether, they pull away from us – the supposed ‘righteous’ one – reinforcing the sense of abandonment on both sides.
aBR prevents us from experiencing the understanding & intimacy we say we desire. We can’t understand why our partner/ boss/ child….. is so angry with us. We’re convinced they should be making changes – then we’d get along just fine! After all, we don’t want to confused ourselves with reality – like that others have the right to their own way of thinking & doing things – when we’ve already made up their mind for them!
Spiritual Narcissism – Many religious communities (all over the world) insist that their dogma is the only correct one, often condemning &/or ostracizing anyone who disputes or disagrees.
● Right-its can easily be dogma-zealot about anything we’re fired up about, trying to convince/convert the ‘ignorant’. We may sincerely believe we’re justified & being helpful, that having found the one & only ‘right way’ now we can set others straight & solve all their problems. But it’s up to the other person whether or not they are interested in our position, and what works for one person, family or group is not always right for another.
NEXT: Being Right (Part 4)