ACoAs being “RIGHT”- Opposite (Part 4)


IT’S ABSOLUTELY NORMAL
to get things wrong sometimes

PREVIOUS: Being Right (Part 1)

SITE: The Joy of Being Wrong

QUOTE: “….people find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.” Harry Potter in the Half-Blood Prince


A LOOK AT THE OTHER SIDE
Reality – In ‘Being Wrong’, author Kathryn Schulz argues that it’s time to embrace our errors. After all, making mistakes is inevitable, so we need to stop pretending we can imagine it out of existence.

Being Wrong (BW) is uncomfortable
The process of learning something (so that we’re skilled, correct, knowledgeable) takes time, determination & effort. And it includes getting things wrong from time to time. This is normal, & applies to everyone, but most ACoAs hate process, because it means something different than it does to less damaged people. We’d rather assume that what we already believe is the final word (so that we never have to be wrong), & expect others to go along with it. This is understandable for ACoAs, since BW makes us feel out of control.  Review “CDs & the Brain

Normal LEARNING Process
Stage 1: we are wrong but don’t know it.
Feels fine
Stage 2: we realize we are wrong.
Feels horrible
Stage 3: we are right. Feels fine again (More…)

SUGGESTION: If you find yourself at stage 2, don’t resist – take comfort. It means you’re on the way to being right – if you don’t give up.

✔︎ Resistance to BW says why most of us are so poor at following our own advice – we’re much better at diagnosing & solving other people’s problems. Even tho we can be quite accurate in our evaluation for them, we may badly this skill for ourselves, but it’s so much harder to accept or own our limitations & flaw, or make necessary changes.

✔︎ Resistance to BW explains why some of us have trouble getting started – trouble taking positive actions – even when it’s a ‘project’ we want to do, is worth doing & is actually possible. But since we can never do it perfectly, we put it off – either by endlessly fantasizing/talking about it, doing ‘research’ for months or years, or just avoiding it all together.

✔︎ Resistance to BW also suggests why it is so hard to let go of something that’s not turning out well (a bad relationship or the wrong job, the wrong investment, trying to do something we’re not equipped for….).
It’s often painfully obvious – to everyone else – when something isn’t working any more, or has never worked for us. We should cut our losses, but that would mean accepting that we’ve been wrong – which can feel too humiliating – especially for ACoAs.  So we plow on, whatever the personal or financial cost.

Being Wrong (BW) is OK!
What we think is absolutely right in most cases is only our opinion, & may or may not be correct or apply to anyone else. And – knowing ‘everything’ is not always a plus, depending on what’s motivating us (Unhealthy EnneaType 5s). A great deal of knowledge is useful only if it’s the right kind & put to good use, otherwise it makes us narrow-minded, even stubborn – harming us & others.

BW (mistakes, ignorance, foolishness, limitations….) has its advantages. Allowing ourselves to be imperfect (being human) frees us :
— to be open to infinite possibilities & to focus on solutions
— to find our own timing & style, so we can free our true inner genius
— from a great weight of oppressive & unrealistic responsibility
— from wasting time trying to be & do what’s truly impossible

The sky’s the limit. CONSIDER:

● Allowing ourselves to BW means opening our mind & heart to receiving other people’s knowledge & help, making creativity & options available

● While past experiences can be helpful, it’s important to not rely on them exclusively – especially if they represent expressions of our damage

● BW curbs or eliminates perfectionism (fear of failing), which is stifling. When we’re OK with BW, we’re not afraid to try new things, making life much more interesting & productive

● We gain more respect from others by admitting when we’re in the wrong or unsure. No one likes a know-it-all, who is too arrogant to take legitimate risks or unwilling to see other people’s point of view (See “Humility” )

●  When our opinion or facts are wrong, or we just have a poor attitude in dealing with others – admitting the truth to another person will preserve their dignity. Forcibly slanting an argument in our favor (aBD) or showing off at someone’s expense – diminishes them.

NEXT: Being Right (Part 4)

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