PREVIOUS: Being Right (#5a)
QUOTE: ”The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. ~ Proverbs 12:15
Being Right (BR) the RIGHT WAY
Each of us have a unique DNA, so our brains are wired differently. Along with the differences in our family & social background, how each of us thinks & feels is not like anyone else. Some of us may have similarities, but ultimately we can’t be in anyone else’s skin, nor they ours.
So, healthy BR is about :
• ownership of knowledge & wisdom, for the benefit of ourselves & others
• our responsibility to find our True Self, learn about dysfunction & about how the real world works
• standing by our personal wisdom, & defend all our rights, especially in any unhealthy environment.
We can verify “I know what I know” by using supporting evidence, usually based on positive experiences & education. But sometimes ‘existing knowledge’ can hinder us from opening our mind to possible alternatives & solutions, thus curbing the creative process. So having to be right – all the time – is overrated.
NOTE: We know that brain chemicals are triggered when reacting angrily to strong upsets (scroll to ‘special case’). They make us feel better – temporarily. If ‘have a fight – feel better’ (aBR) is constantly repeated, it will set up an addictive cycle without dealing with the underlying problems. CHART
• Instead – There’s another hormone that allows us to feel just as good as adrenaline, which is oxytocin*. It’s activated by positive human connection, opening up networks in the executive brain (prefrontal cortex), increasing our ability to trust & be available for sharing.
* Studies now show that oxytocin (the ‘love hormone’) interferes with the release of cortisol, a hormones responsible for stress, so it reduces anxiety-raised blood pressure. It makes one feel affectionate, calm, generous, relaxed & trusting. It also improves sociability, reducing the feeling of isolation.
HUGS release oxytocin :). This chemical plays a big role in promoting & building lasting relationships, strengthening marriages & reducing conflicts, even building warmth & connection between strangers. (More…)
• Instead – gaining Mental Health includes gently detaching from to our compulsive need for ‘Right-ness’. This will come from having our many painful experiences validated, knowing our true rights, & learning to identify harmful behavior in others – so we don’t keep trying to convince the unconvinceable.
We don’t always have to push our own agenda or always get our way. Al-Anon asks: ”How important is it?” – in the big scheme of things. Will we remember this incident 10 years from now? Some things are simply not worth the effort – such as being right all the time.
And some people will never agree with us anyway, or even understand our point of view.
Review EXP: Sarah is on a blind lunch-date in a fancy east-side restaurant, where the tables are 2′ apart in a small space. When the man tells her he’s an engineer she suspects the meet isn’t going to be successful. (He’s clearly an ST & she’s an NF = MBTI oil & water). Sure enough when she tells him she’s an astrologer – he begins to berate & belittle the profession.
Sarah is hurt & angry – her work has helped herself & many others. She wants to lash out & set him straight, but remembers the Al-Anon Q. So to not embarrass herself & not waste time justifying, she quickly asks him to say more about his profession – & then stops listening.
Instead she comforts her WIC & explains why saying anything is useless.
It’s the best self-care, & a win for her self-esteem!
NEXT: “Right” – #5b