ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 5b)

from careful listening

PREVIOUS: ‘Right’ #5a

SITEs: “You don’t always have to be right” (hypnosis) = Purchase downloads

⬅ “The RIGHT WAY” by DMT

Being Right (BR) the RIGHT WAY is 
*️⃣ the Opposite of being self-righteous (addicted to = aBR)
Being Right is NOT —
– saying we’re always wrong /stupid /a fu–up
– berating oneself for all the years of unhealthy superiority
– having to always know exactly what’s true or accurate
– assuming we don’t know anything, or should just shut up
– throwing out all the information we have in our mental data bank

🚧 🚦 NEITHER is it co-dependent people-pleasing, where we deny or ignore our own opinions, needs, emotions or desires! The only people who will tolerate that kind of communication are other PPs, P-As & other control freaks.

• keeping an open mind & heart, curious, willing to learn something new
• being open to the uniqueness of any given situation & drawing conclusions from other perspectives (but not from angry, unhealed people!)
• seeing what’s in other viewpoints that might have a degree of validity
• looking at the big picture rather than the immediate issue or situation
• learning to listen to what healthy & knowledgeable people have to say
• staying ‘present’, being conscious & available for what the world has to offer us, which will help us recognize where our next opportunity is coming from

☆ We may still end up sticking to our Truth – the best part of our core knowledge (“I know what I know”) – as well as revising damaged beliefs (CDs), thus finding saner ways to think about ourselves & the world

• Daily practicing open-mindedness, paying attention & humility (NOT humiliation) makes all our relationships work better.
But this can really be hard for those of us deeply attached to always having to be right (aBR). For ACoAs, being caught in a mistake, an oversight or a lack of info can bring up shame & perfectionism – a form of S-H 

✳ Letting go of this compulsion requires legitimate validation of our painful experiences so we don’t always have to prove something. It also includes having permission to be seen. Most of us never had the right to disagree with our parents’ perspective, much less being allowed to have good things.

😮 While ACoAs who are afraid of saying the wrong thing need to speak up more (it’s OK to not know something or even be wrong sometimes!) —
🤔 — those of us who always have something to say (whether useful – or not), can benefit from truly listening

In either case, no matter how genuinely smart we are, if we ASK for info (“What did you mean when you said —?”….), we may be surprised by what’s going on in someone else’s head. Usually something we couldn’t have guessed!

NOTE: Our addiction to BR is another form of being controlling – rather than being in charge of ourselves. Healthy control requires knowing that there are options – to almost everything.
But with aBR – there are no option, no choices, no variations. It really is about not having ‘the right’ to think & feel – our own way – fueling the need for constant validation – from everyone else!

IDEAS for changing the aBR pattern
• Identify your aBR control beliefs (Use CD posts )
• Why are they so important to you?
• Where do they come from?
Ask : “What do I gain from trying to control everything?”
With those answers, continually check to see if you really do get what you assumed you would – by using aBR (usually not!)
Write down & correct ‘control rules’

NEXT: Being Right #5c

2 thoughts on “ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 5b)

  1. But with aBR – there are no option, no choices, no variations. It really is about not having ‘the right’ to think & feel – our own way – fueling the need for constant validation – from everyone else!

    Thank-you for this…..


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