PREVIOUS: ACoAs & B. Distortion (#1)

BOOKs: Genograms links

SITE: “Codependency Within the Family System”

TRYING TO LEAVE a dysfunctional system (cont)
• For many recovering ACoAs the process of outgrowing our childhood damage is hard enough, but often we have the added burden of dealing with reactions from family & long-time friends who don’t want us to change.
We need to be prepared for being ignored, attacked, even disowned by some, when we rock to boat.

In recovery we’re dislodging the precariously constructed patchwork of these long-standing relationships. This scares everyone – our family, mates & friends, including our Inner Child – so we can expect some internal backlash & external complaints, anywhere from whining or guilting, to outrage, to punishment!

• In Social Psychology, researchers have used various birds & animals to study how we learn (think Pavlov’s dogs). (INFO….)
EXP: Once a pigeon had figured out that to peck a lever will get it one pellet of food each time, the scientists began withholding the food in stages to see what would happen (how we un-learn).
Gradually the bird had to peck 2…6…10…. times more to get just one pellet. As the food became scarcer the bird began to peck more & more frantically – to get its reward. Eventually, as the food was dispensed rarely & then not at all, the bird finally stopped trying.

🔐 We notice a similar pattern in symbiotic families – they can’t tolerate the loss of a member on the mobile, so they too become frantic. At first they try whatever they can think of to hook us back into the fold – guilting, shaming, getting sick, attacking, begging…. BUT the most dangerous tactic is when the anxious parents say “But we loooove you! we want to hear from you, we miss you….” sometimes sent with cute emojii, or money??  Anything but giving us space, especially if we’ve asked for some ‘time out’!

✶ It’s important to remember that – even though our parents may believe they feel love for us, for the most part it’s a narcissistic emotion! It’s all about THEM – their need to keep up the fantasy of being good parents, their fear of being alone, their sense of identity, an image in their community, their overt or covert demand to be taken care of….
If their love had been healthy, they would have treated us very differently from the very beginning!
Read: ‘They did the best they could’

• Their pull on as as we begin S & I is seductive because ACoAs are so desperate to hear that we’re wanted & loved, AND we can’t stand feeling the guilt of upsetting others, especially family. Under such pressure we often find it easier to fall back into the toxic whirlpool. If we’re in Recovery and we do succumb, even temporarily —
— afterward, maybe for days or weeks, we can end up paying for that moment of illusion with depression, crashing down into S-H & hopelessness, getting physically sick, feeling suicidal…. We went back to the hardware store for a loaf of bread, because the WIC still wants to believe we’re part of a loving family.

Eventually we start to see the truth & have to mourn the loss of our fantasy – again – the false hope that some day, somehow magically they will be healthy & kind. They rarely do, & that HURTS!

• BUT if we steadfastly persist on the path to PMES Health, in most cases the family’s desperate grabbing will stop, or at least abate.  Someone once said in Al-Anon (not officially): “This program will fuck up your fucked-up-ness”.

So the longer we stay in Recovery, the harder it is to tolerate those old fractured ways of interacting. Because of that, when we do re-engage with anyone who is still reacting in the old familiar style, we can:
— observe the noxious quality of it more easily, being less in denial, armed with new info, validation & support
— feel the pain, sadness, anger & disappointment in our whole body, of how empty, shallow & abusive the relationships really are & always have been! without S-H!
♥️ AND as we heal we’ll feel OK! even when around them – not happy about who they are, but accepting, without anxiety.

NEXT: B Invasions – #1

PREVIOUS: B Distortion (#3)

SITEs: ‘Healthy vs Unhealthy Parenting’
• ‘Healthy Family Characteristics’ (ACoA website)

Co-dep HUMOR: “I Think I’m Codependent With My Cat – And I wouldn’t have it any other way“ – Jessica Olien, Cartoonist

Detachment includes letting the addicts AND the non-addicts experience the consequences of their choices, instead of taking responsibility for them. It’s a core requirement for Recovery. Redirecting focus away from their self-destructive or victim drama will allow us the opportunity to develop self-care. But it’s difficult & comes with a price!

In “GAMES PEOPLE PLAY”, Eric Berne warns that when one person in a symbiotic / addictive relationship chooses to end a psychological ‘game’ before the other person is ready to disengage – the latter will become highly agitated, demanding, clinging, enraged, even suicidal (See 4 of the games).
DEF: “Games are a series of complementary ulterior transactions progressing to a well-defined, predictable outcome”

• Many ACoAs have shared about their active addict or depressed co-dependent parent committing suicide once the adult-child withdraws from the family drama, rather than be left alone with their loss.
Unless someone is physically in terrible pain & dying, the reason for suicide is almost always the person’s rage at others for abandoning them, as a punishment.  Yes, the person is depressed, affected by chemicals, isolating, not getting any help… but their narcissism has them blaming everyone else for their misery, & it’s often their children!

A Favorite Game, with “Alcoholic” in the lead Role
b. Persecutor : most often the mate, but can be a sibling or another adult in the house  (usually the opposite gender). Their assignment is to judge,  list & criticize all the Alcoholic’s disgusting behaviors

c. Rescuer : often the same gender – may be a doctor or psychiatrist, uneducated in the ritual of alcohol’ism. They congratulate each other that the Alcoholic’s been sober for 6 months, who then wakes up the next morning with a terrible hangover

d. Patsy : often the Alcoholic’s mother, who sympathizes with the addict, providing money or booze, while blaming the Persecutor for not understanding their stressors
e. Connection : any professional, like a bartender, who understands the language of alcoholics, supplying them with liquor for a while, but knows when to stop ‘playing’

In “LOVE & ADDICTION”, Stanton Peele (videos) says about Relationship Addicts:
“….they are people who never learned to deal with their world, who look for stability & reassurance through some repeated, ritualized activity. The addict’s lack of internal stability or purpose creates the need for programed escape….
The love-object is their drug. Attaching to another person (anxious, preoccupied style) gives them an artificial sense of safety, which eliminates the small motivation they may have had for complicated or difficult tasks (like Recovery). When there’s an interruption of the addict’s supply, a major feature of the addiction cycle is withdrawal in anguished reaction

• Yes, we can become addicted to another person just as much as to a physical substance. We can tell this because when we’re without our ‘drug’, temporarily or from a break-up – we experience many of the same cold-turkey symptoms others do when detoxing from a chemical :
—> anxiety & panic attacks, listlessness, physical aches & pains, sleeplessness, trouble focusing thoughts…. with feeling despair, S-H, hopelessness, terror & rage.

• In relationships based on symbiotic attachment – each person is overly dependent on the other for their sense of identity & safety. SO if one of them needs to get away for their psychic survival, the other will be deeply threatened. Whether it’s adult-children & their parents, or love partnerships, amicable separations are rare.
Often the only way will be through an explosion – fights, yelling, threats, stalking, harassing texts & calls, even violence….

As ACoAs, to grow, we have to brace ourselves for feeling guilt  & anxiety when detaching because it’s breaking toxic family rules. Don’t let those emotions stop you from continuing to S & I, which is what’s needed to become free & empowered.

NEXT: Detaching with Boundaries (#2)

PREVIOUS: ACoAs INVADING Boundaries – #1

OUR DAMAGE (cont)

☛ “Space Invaders” don’t have an ‘edge’ to their sense of Self – everyone is assumed to be in the realm of their personal space .
Most of us have such intense FoA that if we give the other person breathing space, it feels like we are going to die. We won’r, but it sure hurts!

ACoAs invaders can be:
• controlling – who like to tell others what to do, say & feel – all the time
• hyper-responsible – carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders. We assume no one else is as competent as ourself, so we must take charge – just ‘trying to get the job done’
• insensitive – rude, self-absorbed, unaware – like in the movies “What about Bob?” & Mr Bean. We intrude with no sense of the effect on others.

WAYS ACoAs cross boundaries (add your own):
PHYSICAL / SEXUAL
• stand too close to others
• use physical intimidation
• talk loudly on cell phones, in movies…. talk over others
• barge into a room without knocking, like bathrooms, bedrooms…
• touch others without asking
OR:
• eat from someone’s plate without asking
• force sex on someone who does not want it, with or without physical / emotional abuse during sex
• look thru others’ documents, rooms, drawers, medicine chest….   • don’t allow others their privacy
• use sex to manipulate emotionally, as a reward or punishment

MENTAL / EMOTIONAL
• are needy, taking too much – by being passive & dependent
• are not able or willing to respect the rights of others – to have different needs or opinions from our own
• assume others know what we feel or need, & expect them to automatically provide them. When they won’t or can’t – we get depression & feel endless resentment (obsessional anger)
• butt in on others’ emotions, pressing them for info, insisting
they tell us how they feel, trying to fix their pain
• insist we know what others need – constantly giving advice & expecting others to follow it
• say whatever we want, whenever – with no regard to place, time or others’ feelings
• tell secrets we promised to keep (triangulating)
• try to define limits for others (what they can or can’t do)
• use verbal abuse & psychological intimidation, make threats

It’s important to ask permission to enter someone’s personal space, whether mental, physical, emotional or spiritual (PMES).  We can picture everyone as having a fence around them & learn to knock at the gate before barging in.
If they say NO, walk away!
If our Wounded Inner Child feels rejected we can comfort ourselves for being sad & scared, & explain to the WIC that everyone has the right to their privacy – including us!

Do you making others Uncomfortable? Did you even notice? Here are some Subtle Signs that others have REACTIONS to your narcissism (B INVASIONS).. THEY:
1. blame themselves when they’re uncomfortable or mad at you (don’t hold YOU responsible)
“It’s my own fault that my co-worker takes credit for my work”
2. justify your bad behavior toward them
“Yes, Sheila makes fun of me, but it’s all in fun & I know she loves me.”
THEY:
3. feel ashamed for no apparent reason
EXP:  You agree to babysit every Wednesday night so the Mom can have some personal time, then keep texting her to say her child misses her
4. start doubting a decision that suits them, second-guessing it when you keep questioning it – insinuating it might be too much for them, the wrong option, or just plain dumb
THEY:
5. sense something’s “off” with you, which feels ICKY. They can’t pinpoint what’s wrong, but their internal warning system keeps pinging. Until they figure it out they’re going to be confused & indecisive
6. have their decisions disregarded & ignored – you’ve taken away their power to choose or have an effect
EXP: You come up with alternate suggestion to what your friend wants to do for their B/day, & say “Lets try____ you’ll love it!”

(A VARIATION on article by By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S.)

NEXT: B. Distortions #1