ACoAs & Boundary INVASIONS (Part 3)

So why do I feel invisible?

PREVIOUS: B. Invasions (#2)

BOOK: Healing from the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse: The Journey for Women~Karen Duncan

5. INCEST / sexual abuse (S.A.)
a. Overt
One of the great sorrows & tragedies of toxic families is the high incidence of sexual abuse. This is an abuse of power, not of sexual desire.
Any adult who perpetrates sexual abuse on a child is screaming their sense of powerlessness & is trying to compensate for that in a totally deviant way!
Not all are strictly pedophiles. Many abusers have sex with both adults and children, but their need to dominate a weaker person is at the very heart of their actions.sexual harassment
Sexual abuse is :
• any type of sexual contact between an adult & anyone under 18
• between a significantly older child & a younger child (sibling, non-family)
• when one person overpowers another, regardless of age

Generational Boundaries should never be blurred.
— In healthy families there’s a firm parental coalition with NO evidence of competing with their children. Each generation should have clearly marked territory. When they have a need, they seek out other peers.

— Shame-bound families are multi-generational, insular & loyal to toxic rules that demand control, perfectionism & denial.  They create chaos by promoting vague personal Bs & secrets, binding members together with fear of abandonment, trapping them in co-dependent alliances.
b. Covert
• In any form of sexual inappropriateness, the key is intension. Some actions may seem like ‘just being affectionate’ when in fact they’re not innocent, like a father who pays way too much attention to a daughter, attention which should rightly be directed to his wife or girlfriend.

Any parent who uses a child for their own gratification – either because of insecurity, being too isolated or their adult relationships are unsatisfactory – is only concerned with their own needs, so they are in no way loving!hug too tight

• Children crave & lap up attention, so having an over-attentive parent makes it easy for them to get caught in a web of lies & denial.
But they also know when something doesn’t FEEL right, even if they don’t have the words until they’re much older.
When a parent’s sexually-based attention is indirect (no penetration or other physical stimulation), it can be much more confusing for the child to identify as abusive, even when feeling creeped out.

ASK: Was there proper conduct at home (reasonable modesty)?
EXP – In many alcoholic & other dysfunctional homes, parents don’t bathe or groom themself … and are sexually indiscreet in their dress —> mother’s robe open to expose breasts, drunk father in loose shorts exposing private parts….

ALSO when a parent :
• always paws at you, follows you around
• takes over your date or lover, making flirting comments
seduction• calls you ‘dirty’, a whore
• compulsively gives unnecessary enemas
• encourages sexually activity too early
• hangs on to you in public, kisses on the mouth (esp. if you don’t want to)
• leaves pornography around
• listens in on your intimate conversations with a peer
• talks about sex all the time, makes lewd jokes, refers to you in sexual terms
• watches you when you’re dressing or undressing, going to the toilet or bathing (you can tell when it’s not ‘clean’), or make you watch them
• walks in on you naked / often sleeps cuddled up to you
OR • having to sleep in parents’ bedroom for several years — subjecting you to see & hear parents having sex….

PRESENT: Our difficulty with Bs now is a direct result of the atmosphere in our family, (review points 1 thru 5).
Boundary Invasions also occurred in school, on the playground, at church, in our neighborhood, with baby sitters….. SO, never blame yourself!

Naturally, now we are responsible for correcting Bs, with –
AWARENESS – how we were B invaded (add your own)
ACCEPTANCE – how we were damaged by it & act it out
ACTION – use whatever appropriate tools, groups & healthy people available to help our Recovery

NEXT: WEAK Boundaries – #1

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