ACoAs

Co-dependence & the False Self

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

invisible barsTHESE INVISIBLE BARS
have me trapped in the mirror

PREVIOUS: Co-dep & Roles

SITE: “False Self, Real Self – the games we play with our identity”

✤ Anatomy of Emotional Warfare (key player is the False Self)

✤ 3 Reasons to Embrace Your “False” Self

BOOK: Is it Love or is it Addiction? ~ Brenda Schaeffer

 

CO-DEPENDENCE runs us WHEN:
▲ We focus all our attention on the needs, feelings & problems of another person – instead of ourself – including the ones we think someone else has, in order to make that person love us AND never leave us.  So we feel guilty when we don’t tend to their wishes, needs or demands!

▲ The False Self  (FS)
✶ We developed it in our dysfunctional home, where we came to believe we needed someone & something outside of ourself to be complete, to feel safe, to have any worth at all, even to give us permission to exist!

✶ Basing life on a False Self robs us of our dignity & individuality! It’s what the wounded version of the Adapted Child ego state becomes when we’re not properly nurtured in childhood, & which ends up running our life until we do FoO work in Recovery   (CHART  ➡️)

• The concept of the FS was identified in the 60s by Dr. Donald Winnicott, who specialized in Object-Relations psychology.
The FS is motivated by a basic need to survive, starting in infancy – an unconscious choice to change our behavior, repress our emotions & push aside our own needs – in order to fit in with others who cannot accept us as we really are.
It comes out of a desperate attempt to control a person or situation that is actually out of our control.

• It includes 5 USES and 5 levels ⬇️, the most extreme being when the True Self is completely hidden, while the FS appears authentic to the person & everyone else, & may be successful in the world but fails in intimate relationships  & secretly fuels anxiety
➼ In contrast, the True Self is the core of we who are, unshaped by upbringing or society, the person we were born as & still exists inside

CHILDHOOD Causes
☔︎ Attachment Trauma = a developmental shock that may become hard-wired into the child’s brain & personality structures. Desperate longing & emotion-addiction becomes a defense mechanism against the anxiety of too early or difficult separation from mother

☔︎ Toddlers = Defiant & oppositional behavior persisting beyond age 3 may indicate an attachment disorder.  Child can develop other “upper defenses” to maintain this separateness (over-independence), which support the inflated False Self.

☔︎ Co-dependent = Children create a False Self (FS) as a reaction to not having enough emotional & social support in order to become emotionally & psychologically separate from parents (grow up)
☔︎ Counter-dependent = child blocks feeling of the shame of only being ‘loved’ conditionally or not loved at all.  The FS prevents being totally traumatized by the abandonment & abuse. This defense typically shows up as the child (& later the adult) seeming to be strong & capable, while not feeling that way inside (like a fraud)

☔︎ Addictions = Later on – develop addictions in the areas associated with specific separation trauma (use ‘uppers’, work, quick sex, traveling & over-consuming…. ). These are inadequate & unsatisfying substitutes for deep union with the Divine who created the True Self, just like the unavailable emotional connection with the mother.
Unfortunately, it often takes people a long time to discover that unresolved developmental trauma is the cause of many of their adult problems.

«
CHART a. False Self created by absorbing Negative Introject

«
CHART b. True Self as the integrated authority of a fully developed, emotionally intelligent grownup (by Roland J. Schuster)

Also read  “What Represents True Self“?

«
NEXT: Satir’s LEVELER Role

Co-dependence & Roles

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: Mascot Role

SITEs: “Unnaturally Good: The Plight of the Goody Two-Shoes”

✦ “How do the Roles play out in Codependency”

BOOK: Is it Love or is it Addiction? ~ Brenda Schaeffer

 

ROLES & Co-DEPENDENCE
Toxic Family Roles (TFR) inevitably foster co-dep. They’re a way of organizing & expressing it, taken on to make sense of & cope with the family dysfunction, (or work, church, nation), as well as enabling the addict (bully, narcissist, sadist) to continue their toxic life-style.

Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse notes that the longer people play a a false ‘part’, the more rigidly fixed they becomes in it. Eventually, family members “become addicted to their role, seeing it as essential to their survival & playing it out with the same compulsion, delusion & denial as the Dependent plays his or her role as drinker / addict”.
(Another Chance: Hope & Health for the Alcoholic Family)

AS CHILDREN
Because the adult damaged & damaging person (parent) is so focused on their own activities & inner drama, they can’t be there for anyone else, for sure not emotionally & spiritually, often not mentally & physically either.

This creates a great hunger in their children to do everything they can to win or earn the love & attention they’re not getting & desperately need. That compulsion turns into co-dependence, which keeps them trapped – trying to eke out a crumb of caring that’s not really available from the narcissists. AND often they’re not even looking for other adults who are already capable of caring & listening, & or taking advantage of those who offer their availability.
✶✶ The saying “My loving you is none of your business!” means we can’t make someone love us & we can’t stop them from loving us if they’re already capable!

As ADULTS
• Co-dependency can show up as occupational instability, as well as produce secondary addictive & compulsive behaviors
• the TFRs (toxic family roles) we grew up with drive every aspect of our life, showing up in all social interactions (as spouse, parent, friend, employee, student….).
Understanding the components of each childhood role gives us all the clues needed to identify adult acing-out & makes it possible to slowly outgrow them, even if no one else in the family has made changes!

Co-dependence (Co-dep) is a family-systems syndrome developed in reaction to the stress of addiction or other “shameful family secrets”
DEF: A pathological way to “live through the expectations of others”
• An addiction to being in a supportive role in any relationship
• Keeps the co-dep** one-up (better than) & the addict one-down

** At the same time – the co-dep feels like a Victim, makes the addict into the Perpetrator & then feels resentful (Co-dep triangle).
Co-deps look strong but feel helpless, act controlling but are actually being controlled by their compulsion to PLEASE every one else

Co-dep is reinforced by well-known cognitive distortions (CDs) :
co-dep• Denial: unconscious demand of oneself & everyone else to believe there is no problem
• Intellectualize: use convenient excuses or explanations as a fix for severe emotional & chemical problems
• Minimize : may admit there are problems BUT make light of them
• Project: blame problems on others, & often make one child the Scapegoat

Symptoms : Avoid uncomfortable /painful emotions, be controlling, care-taking, denial, distrust, guilt, hyper-vigilance, intimacy problems, perfectionism, physical illness from stress.
Basic Rules:
▴ It’s not OK to feel, have problems, to have fun, to be separate
▴ If anyone acts badly, irresponsible or crazy – it’s my fault
▴  I’m not good enough just as I am

System Rules close each member off from the outside world, BY:
• discouraging healthy communication of issues & Es with oneself, or anyone else
• destroying the ability to trust themself or others in intimate relationships

• freezing into unnatural roles, making interaction with others stiff & limited
• teaching each family member to completely focus on someone else’s desires or problems, so they gradually lose the ability to know their own Es, wants & needs
• preventing children from growing & developing their fundamental identity (True Self) , gradually ‘becoming’ the Role forced on them by the disease of addictions.

NEXT: Co-dep & False Self #2

MASCOT Family Role

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

IF I’M ENTERTAINING ENOUGH –
they won’t feel the pain!

PREVIOUS: Lost Child Role

SITE: Mascot: Not all Fun & Games

❧ MASCOT’s (M) GOAL
Provide diversion from family’s problems, & make everyone feel better by being funny & zany

PURPOSE
For Self: act silly to try to interrupt their own physical & emotional tension & sense of danger – from feeling scared & powerless in the middle of the family mess.  Ms are genuinely ‘immature’, & play that up to draw attention away from the scary adults

For Family: use comic relief to lighten a ‘heavy’ atmosphere for everyone, creating a diversion to diffuse volatile situations.
May perform similar tasks to Caretakers when enlisted to soothe the Dependent’s feelings & needs. And –
• like the Hero, they may be the ‘face’ of the family to the community

• take responsibility for the family’s emotional well-being & become its ‘social director’, entertaining everyone to cover the depth of the family sickness by keeping the focus on themself

• using humor to communicate awareness of the dysfunction – their antics can actually hinder Recovery. They indirectly express family’s painful emotions such as anger, grief, hostility or fear BY satire, sarcasm, teasing…. rather than addressing it head on

BIRTH ORDER :  Usually the youngest, but not always
IN SCHOOL : Class clown or cut-up, admired by classmates for making school enjoyable.
Are hyper-active, have difficulty concentrating on studies, so may already have or develop learning deficits, & conclude they’re not intelligent (which is not true)

FAMILY TREATMENT : the M is the child everybody loves & prefers. They’re assumed to be happy-go-lucky but not smart or capable. May be seen as fragile, so over-protected & shielded from life’s problems

ACTIONS /STYLE
silly child• Personal : Spend little time at home, with lots of friends, attract constant attention, are exaggerated & dramatic, disruptive, may get into trouble but not the malicious kind like the Scapegoat.
Avoid angry confrontations, go “with the flow”; ignore practical responsibility.
Have a short attention span & incongruous emotional responses (laugh when things are serious or painful).

• Social: Their humor is not always innocent. There’re known to make mean or obnoxious jokes & humorous ‘dirty laundry’ stories about the family to express their own repressed anger.
Use fun to amuse their circle of friends but are rarely taken seriously, may be subjected to criticism & rejection for being silly & flaky

DEFENSES
Act dumb, be super-cute, exaggerate their immaturity,  make fun of self, do anything to get attention – clowning, humor, becoming an actor, addictions

DEFICITS
Attention seeking, distracting to others, difficulty focusing, poor decision-making ability, superficial, ‘in the dark’.
Afraid to look inside & be honest about emotions & actions, out of touch with ‘unpleasant’ feelings & spirituality

mascot dancerChange BELIEFS
FROM: “I must never point out any problems”
“ If I make people laugh, everyone will feel better”
“ I only have value as an entertainer”

TO: “I have value for who I am, without being entertaining”
“I can be comforted & loved even when I’m not ON”
“ I’m not responsible for others’ happiness”

EMOTIONS
Anxious, deeply insecure, embarrassed, feel inadequate & unimportant, lonely, sad, self-hating, terrified. Express shame by depression & addictions

COST TO SELF
• Rarely feel loved for themself, only for playing this role to keep family distracted
• ALSO not allowed to be clever, functional, show very real & serious accomplishments
• Not allowed to have sadness or any other painful emotions, & deny the right to know their True Self.  Ignore all their own suffering, which may later show up as illnesses
• Frenetic social activity is a defense against intense inner anxiety & tension. Trouble coping with that stress can make them think they’re going crazy. If not addressed, they can slip into addiction, mental illness or committing suicide

PARENTS CAN HELP CHILD 
TO:  express humor appropriately, learn to take care of themself, modify need for attention, find ways to be competent
BY: being consistent & firm. Don’t push, only remind, & reward by using natural & logical consequences to their actions. NEVER reinforce sick, sadistic or self-deprecating humor with laughter

AS ADULTS – may already have great social skills, but trouble with addressing conflict directly, & with identifying their own emotions
• give love, but don’t know how to accept it
• are at risk for getting involved in abusive relationships, & try to “save” their partners by being “nice” & “upbeat.”

RECOVERY NEEDS
good hostTo take responsibility, risk being serious & be taken seriously, learn assertiveness, study something in-depth, feel all emotions

STRENGTHS
With growth – can be valued for their best qualities. They:
• are flexible, generous, helpful, independent
• are charming people, & entertaining hosts
• have a big heart, & can be good listeners
• have an easy sense of humor, know how to play & enjoy.

NEXT: Roles & Co-dependence

LOST CHILD Family Role

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invisible I’M INVISIBLE TO EVERYONE,
& they like it like that!

Previous:  The Scapegoat, #2

SITE: Lost Child –> Invisible Adult

 

❧ LOST CHILD’s GOAL
Provide relief for the family by being invisible – sacrificing their identity & desires to give parents one less thing to worry about

PURPOSE
For Self: hide from chaos, physical & emotional abuse (under a table, in a closet, their room, after-school  activities), avoid being responsible for anyone else….  withdraw into a fantasy world, making themself very small & quiet
For Family: relieve some tension by not being another burden, provide family’s privacy by not airing ‘dirty laundry’, help family avoid facing serious problems by never mentioning alcohol, toxic roles or Recovery

BIRTH ORDER: 3rd or middle child
IN SCHOOL : Lose themself in school work, get good grades, don’t want to participate, called ‘space cadet’, geek, nerd….

FAMILY TREATMENT : Generally ignored, or considered a ‘blessing’ for not expressing needs. Last child parents will think to get help for.

ACTIONS /STYLE
• Socially Acceptable :  Pleasant when spoken to, quiet & unassuming, won’t call attention to self, have opinions but don’t express them, never make waves or demands

• Socially Awkward:  Distant, ill at ease with others, especially uncomfortable when focused on, little or no expression of emotions.  Hide out to not be a bother. Strong attachments to animals & things – instead of people, sometimes with one close friend but often none. May be confused or conflicted about their sexual identity & functioning (or anorectic)

DEFENSES
• are day-dreamers – buried in books, internet, religion / spirituality, creative mental pursuits, keep a diary, draw, listen to music, watch TV
• become addicts – use chemicals, food, porn…. to dull the pain
• can be bulimic or anorectic, or overweight
• deny getting upset, super-independent but depressed 
THEY
• may drift through life with little or no ambition, be under-employed or obsessed with one ‘big’ goal (realistic or not, productive or not)
• easily feel rejected while always staying aloof, ‘invisible’
• may try to get attention indirectly by getting sick, having asthma, allergies, or by bed-wetting in childhood

DEFICITS
• give up self-needs & the possibility of asking for help or accept any offered, have poor communication skills
• follow without questioning, easily bullied & made fun of, avoid professional help
• unable or unwilling to initiate (passive), have hard time seeing choices / options, tend to lack direction, afraid of making decisions

Change BELIEFS:  
FROM: “Why should I feel? It’s better if I don’t”
“If I don’t get emotionally involved, I won’t get hurt”
“I can’t make a difference anyway”
“Don’t draw attention to yourself”

TO: “I have a right to positive attention”
“I do make a difference, I am worthwhile & people will value me”
“I need to get emotionally involved to have meaningful connections”
“My emotions are an important part of my True Self”

EMOTIONS : depressed, fearful, hurt, lonely, rejected, sad, with suppressed anger. Express shame by procrastination, being the victim, feeling suicidal

COST TO SELF
Always feel different, the outsider, don’t know how to get their needs / wants met – including need for personal connections, have social phobia so stay ignored & unappreciated, hard to get credit for abilities

PARENTS can HELP CHILD
TO: be more social, use its creativity & imagination, express emotions, feel important, useful & valuable
BY: giving private encouragement & praise, including child in family process, not criticizing, providing opportunities to be successful, validating anything positive
sad manAS ADULTS
❎ Unsociable: the most obvious isolators, withdrawn from life to hide from whatever will hurt or make them uncomfortable – which is almost everything.
• terrified of intimacy, they often avoid connections all together
• are attracted to any solitary work or career where they don’t have to deal with people

✅ ’Sociable’: if in a relationship they’ll be noticeably unavailable in many ways, pick controlling Heroes or unpredictable chaotic Scapegoats or Mascots
• If artistic, will be excellent actors, studying their parts carefully, glad to hide behind a facade

• Generally: when needing to make a commitment based on logical thinking, believe they have few options – because growing up they just went along with whatever was happening, instead of thinking thru possibilities or what they may actually want
• Without help: indecisive, can’t say NO, show little or no passion, fun or zest, slow to change & grow, always alone or promiscuous, die early

Adult RECOVERY NEEDS – TO
work alone• become a team player, practice flexibility, take initiative, make decisions, notice & use available options
• reach out, deal with loneliness, face emotional pain, make a few deep relationships, give up victim role
• With help: become free to express talents, creativity & imagination. Can become assertive, resourceful & independent (not isolated)

STRENGTHS
• work well alone, self-reliant, quiet (writer, researcher, artist….)
• easy-going, understanding, patient, spiritually connected
• resourceful, creative, flexible, non-conformist, good of humor
• well-read, scholarly, good observer & listener

NEXT: Mascot Role

SCAPEGOAT Family Role (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: Scapegoat #1

SITEs : ” Scapegoat as Truth Teller for the Family“

🎯 Cost of Growing up in a Dysfunctional Family

QUIZ: What’s your role in the family?

Scapegoat’s EMOTIONS  
Desire for positive attention but can’t ask for it, feels empty, fearful, frustrated, guilty, hopeless, hurt, inadequate, lonely, self-hating.
Shows shame via addictions, rage, procrastination. Feels left out of family & like a misfit

COST TO SELF
• Not allowed to be admired, respected, successful. Denies themself legitimate opportunities, accomplishments & success or the ability to connect with others in a genuine way. Unaware of emotions other than rage, & can’t live peacefully.
• DANGER: If family’s addict is confronted (by Intervention) while this child still lives at home, Scapegoat is likely to try suicide in order to shift the focus away from the sufferer, as an act of self-sacrifice

How PARENTS can HELP SCAPEGOAT CHILD
To: Disengage the child from the power struggles, express anger safely,  have an outlet for their sensitivity & generosity
By: being calm, fair but firm. Avoid acting shocked or disgusted by child’s actions, let child experience consequences of behavior, give opportunities to use power appropriately, with outlets for the underdog attitude.
confrontingAS ADULTS
a. Overtly – have problems with any authority figure. Can participate in rebellious groups, just for the sake of it.
May alter their bodies to shock family or ‘normals’, such as going Goth, get piercings, tattoos, & worse – if family abuse was particularly severe.

Without Recovery, They’re argumentative, confrontational, distrusting, rageful & resentful.
May live on the edge of society or as complete outcast. Often with little education or skill, they continue to rebel, sometimes in rather clever & dramatic ways. Have illegitimate children, graduate to felonies, suffer with mental illness & addictions

OR: Because they’re actually intelligent & can be very talented, some will need to have a sense of power – somewhere in their life.  Developing social skills outside the home, they can become leaders in their own peer groups, often illegal & possibly destructive.

b. Passively – frequently the underdog in relationships & situations, will marry early, stay in long-term abusive relationships, be everyone’s doormat, plagued by depression & addictions, living out the scapegoat position.
Carry deep resentments for all the hurt, rejection, blame & shaming they experienced at home (& school).
May be aware of the sacrifices they’ve made & resent that it did not benefit themself or the family

✶ HOWEVER – Because of their emotional honesty they are the one most likely to seek counseling, realize the dysfunction they grew up with & face it.  They may be willing to get help for problems with drugs, alcohol, verbal aggression or violence, trouble functioning at work or school, issues with authority & relationships

CHANGE BELIEFSbelligerant
FROM: “I’m angry about it, whatever it is”
“If I scream loudly enough, someone may notice me.”
“Take what you want.  No one is going to give you anything.”
TO: “I can ask for what I want,  & listen to others at the same time”
“The world is not out to get me. I am not here alone”
“While my needs are important, others’ needs are to be considered too”

Adult RECOVERY NEEDS – TO :
• achieve chemical & emotional sobriety
• consistently work at giving up the self-demand for perfectionism
• identify, own & work through the anger to get to the enormous hurt, sorrow & loneliness underneath
• learn problem-solving skills & negotiating, instead of rebelling or fighting
• speak their inner truth, allow themself to be a good role model

insightSTRENGTHS
• Courageous, creative, & when healthy, the ability to lead positively
• Can read people, have lots of friends, adapt easily, lead an exciting life, take positive risks, with a great sense of humor and fun-loving
• With less denial & good insight, they can admit reality, be more straightforward & aware of their emotions
• May have an ironic & clever sense of humor.

NEXT: Lost Child

SCAPEGOAT Family Role (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

scapegoatIF I GET INTO ENOUGH TROUBLE,
they won’t have to!

PREVIOUS: The Placater #2

SITE:  The Scapegoat Who Changed Her Family Role

 

NOTE: This is not the same as the being scapegoated – where parents pick out one child to blame for all the family’s troubles which they themselves are causing.
HERE, the Scapegoat role seems ‘voluntary’, in the sense that this position is being held as a self-sacrifice.

❧ SCAPEGOAT‘s GOAL
Provide a change of focus by allowing everyone to think they are the source of the family’s problems – instead of the addict

PURPOSE
For Self: their sacrifice given as a love-offering, taking on the ‘bad-guy’ role to protect the addict or other main trouble-maker from having to face his/her pain
IMP: An in-your-face refusal to comply with a parent’s direct or unspoken demand for perfection-ism 

defiant_girl-1For Family: serve as the “pressure valve” in the family when tensions build. They misbehave to draw attention away from the ‘problem’ parent so the family’s ‘issue’ is anything other than the addiction
• also to protect the family from any outside interference (cops, social workers, shrinks, social services….) who will cause shame
• try to show family what’s really going on, hoping they’ll learn from it & change BY acting out the tension & anger in the air that everyone ignores, & doing things the ‘wrong way’

BIRTH ORDER: Usually the second child, sometimes the first boy if an older sister is the Hero
IN SCHOOL
Academically borderline or failing, they drop out, get suspended or kicked out, may not graduate (but NOT stupid)

FAMILY TREATMENT
Family makes them the ‘black sheep’ who feel ashamed of the S. Because they’re the blunt ‘truth-tellers’, one or both parents may dole out harsher & harsher punishments, trying to ‘break’ them for not going along with the program (stay in denial).

They’re compared negatively to older, well-behaved / compliant siblings or cousins, sometimes considered ‘mentally ill’, & may be taken to therapy to get ‘fixed’.
Targeted to be Scapegoats, either because they’re:
a type: hyperactive or sick, so are easily bullied, and/OR
b type: the angry, rebellious, problem child who has the guts to say or do what no one else will, & so is easily ‘set off’ / reactive

ACTIONS /STYLE
IMP : Personal- IRONY
They are the most sensitive, caring & emotionally honest family member. Scapegoats are actually the strongest ones, since they carry the “sins” for the entire family.
Their sensitivity causes them intense pain when mistreated, making them self-hating & self-destructive. They are the romantics who becomes very cynical & distrustful from being the “target” of the family’s dysfunction. Will leave home as soon as they can

Family : Rebellious (constant trouble with authority, won’t follow directions), They make a lot of noise, diverting attention from the addict & his/her need for Recovery on to themself. They won’t go along with the Hero who pretends everything’s allright. For a while will try to compete with the Hero for status, but lose & then stop trying to please
Social:                         
As the grow up = Because they have thick walls built around them from fear & outrage, their relationships will often be superficial & inauthentic – except when they can bond with another equally angry, bitter peer or group.

Often act out in front of others, putting on a tough act. In reaction to the family chaos & abuse, they become the troublemaker – argumentative, attention seekers, blaming others, disruptive, intrusive,  negative leader
AND/OR secretive, sneaky, verbally dishonest, unwilling to take any personal responsibility

DEFENSES
Defiance, withdrawal, hostility, sullenness, acting out, ‘don’t care’ facade. Strong connection to their peer group (same type) or totally isolated

DEFICITS
Inappropriate expression & use of anger, intrusive, won’t follow directions, self-destructive, defiant, irresponsible, underachiever, social & legal problems at young age (truancy, teenage pregnancy, high school dropout, addiction, suicide attempts), can lead others into trouble.

NEXT: Scapegoat, #2

PLACATER Family Role (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: Placater Role #1

SITE:
⬅️ “The ups and downs of a serial placater”

 

Placater (P)’s ACTIONS / STYLE
Virginia Satir suggested that 50% of ‘wounded’ people typically use this defense. They say YES, no matter what they really feel or want
Personal
• Similar to Hero, sometimes the clown, but more passive & people-pleasing. Talk in an ingratiating way, won’t disagree or stand up for themself, overly grateful, apologize for things that are not their fault…. a ‘yes man’, even agreeing with anyone’s criticism of them

• May use humor as a diversion from pain & rage, but it’s not their primary style. Mainly they worry & fret, nurture & support, listen & console.  Entire self-concept is based on what they can provide for others
Social
too sweet• are hypersensitive to others, grateful that anyone talks to them at all
• can be the life of the party, syrupy, martyr-ish & boot-licking
• are likely to be complemented, get positive attention & draw sympathy for their long-suffering
THEY:
• rarely focus on concrete changes that would make life better for themself
• are not much use in times of crisis or emotional distress, not very helpful when someone has a big problem that needs solving
• make it hard to resolve conflicts with them because of an intense need to avoid confrontations
• respect the context of a situation & other people’s views, but not their own

Body Position (From V. Satir)
Use kinesthetic style. This stance begs “Please don’t hurt me”, especially good for situations such as giving bad news or asking for something. It says ‘please don’t be upset or take offense’ – a request for someone to stay calm.

• If standing, they hunch shoulders, look down, smiling, not sexy
• Usually present image of : one hand reaching out, palm face-up in a begging gesture, as if being on one knee & a bit wobbly. Head may be bent way back looking up as if pleading, eyes strained, eyebrows raised as if asking a question or only in the middle .

Energetic Description (by Dr. Bulbrook)
Placaters (Ps) damage their energy field by being needy, sucking-up & having weak or no limits, so anyone can walk all over them.
They keep giving beyond what’s appropriate, hoping to be accepted & fit in, so are often taken advantage of. When challenged, will easily back down.

Potential harmful impact : at first, people on the receiving end may be pleased, but over time become annoyed & then pull away, as Ps can be too wishy-washy, not giving an opinion when asked, or not expressing needs
• ALSO – Placating is sneaky, aiming to evoke your guilt by saying ‘poor me, I can’t help it’, as an indirect form of Blaming, more by gestures & without explicit language.
It shifts responsibility for mistakes or flaws (ever so diplomatically, so they’ll still be liked), leaving people feeling resentful but not able to confront them. Ultimately, Ps are not much fun to be around.

Negative Reaction TO Placating ( NLP)
Use a Blamer Role stance which will turn the tables on them, triggering their guilt. This may stop the ‘game’ & possibly balance the Ps view of self, others, & the situation
• but – Blaming may just be a reaction to the P’s wimpy-ness, if you want to dominate, control or punish them – which they will tolerate & accept, possibly making the Blamer feel even more guilty
• Also – Blaming may do nothing more than create a stronger Placating response, if they feel too intimidated

Adult RECOVERY Needs – TO:
• find an appropriate outlet for negotiating skills, and get paid
• find ways to help others without short-changing themself
• gain self-esteem without depending on being used, or on others’ good graces
• learn & pursue healthy ways to to rest, relax & enjoy

good listenerSTRENGTHS
Able to give, caring, compassionate, empathic, good listener, nice smile, quiet, sensitive to others

Positive Use: Ps play ‘softball’ in negotiations – which is usually seen as being weak, but can sometimes be a useful strategy IF :
— you’re dealing with a small, difficult child
— needing to give the appearance of weakness when in real danger
— diplomacy is required  “What do you give a 500 lb gorilla? Anything he wants”!

NEXT : Scapegoat role #1

PLACATER Family Role (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

PlacaterI CAN’T STAND DISCORD –
I have to make nice

PREVIOUS: Hero Role

SITE: Conflict Styles

 

❧ PLACATER Role  – a Twisted form of Service.  A combination of the Satir & Wegscheider versions

Placater’s GOAL
Provide soothing to make others feel better in general & specifically about themself

PURPOSE
For Self: try to not keep getting abandoned, to feel safer = not get hurt & be loved – by calming everyone, preventing conflicts or any overt expression of anger
For Family:  When parents are impaired in some way, Placater becomes a surrogate. Born negotiators, they seem to have an uncanny ability to ‘read’ what others are feeling, but at their own expense. Learn early to smooth over potentially upsetting situations & take responsibility for everyone’s pain & emotional well-being

BIRTH ORDER: can be oldest child, usually the girl
IN SCHOOL : very compliant, well-liked, so-so student – preoccupied with other students’ problems rather than studying
FAMILY TREATMENT
Used as the family social worker, inappropriately told all the adult’s problems, ‘valued’ for not being any trouble

DEFICITS
Few self-protective boundaries, don’t have a clear identity of their own, are not in touch with their own emotions & needs, so can’t get them met, are ‘lost’ without someone to please or fix

BELIEFS:
FROM: “If I’m nice, everyone will like me”
“Don’t rock the boat”
“If I focus on someone else, it won’t be on me & that’s a good thing”
“If I take care of you, you won’t reject or leave me ”
“I’ll do whatever you tell me to do. I’m here to make you happy.”

TO: “It’s ok to have a focus of my own”
“I am likable without having to take care of others”
“I don’t have the power to keep someone with me, but if they stay it’ll be because of who I am, not what I do for them”
“I can do whatever suits me best, in all situations”

Placater’s Negative DEFENSES
• Actually believe they care so much about others, but that no one cares for them. Can be great listeners
• Main concern is all about how they’ll be perceived
• Develop a high tolerance for inappropriate behavior from others, will take the blame for things not their fault (ironically), thereby protecting others from taking responsibility for their choices & actions
THEY:
• Efface & belittle themself, while inflating others, to get brownie points & stop possible aggression
• React to stress or ‘uncomfortable truths’ by trying to ignore them, sometimes going to extraordinary lengths to avoid confrontations
• May sacrifice themself – willing to lose so others can win

EMOTIONS
Frustrated rage, fear, guilt, low self-esteem,  powerlessness. Express their shame via depression, perfectionism, victimization

COST TO SELF
Deep sense of not being good enough just as they are, nor have the right to get equal attention & caring from others.  Denying personal needs, they’re unable to receive, a great fear of conflict & anger, are hyper-vigilant with high anxiety, have ‘false’ guilt – blaming themself for circumstances outside their control.

AS ADULTSover-giving
They’re often in abusive & one-sided relationships (with spouse, children, friends, bosses…), constantly giving without getting anything back.  Are overly responsible so become excellent enablers, marring addicts or other ‘broken’ people.

Often choose careers as helping professionals, which can reinforce the tendency to ignore their own needs, such as social workers, nurses, therapists…. (more likely in ‘supportive’ positions, so are not often male doctors)

PARENTS HELPING a Sensitive CHILD
TO: Allow the child to focus on themself & not others, separate their personal worth from doing / care-taking, teach them to express emotions & playing

BY: Validating Placater’s intrinsic value (being vs doing), helping them develop ability to take care of & prioritize needs for themself, so when child IS helping another – ask them what he/she is feeling at the moment
• Parents talk about & act in ways that reinforce how adults take care of themselves & other family members well, so the child can relax.

NEXT: Placater #2

HERO Family Role

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

hero momI HAVE to TAKE CARE of EVERYTHING,
& of course I can!

PREVIOUS: Toxic Roles #4

Originally:
“IF ONLY MY FAMILY UNDERSTOOD ME”, by Don Wegscheider, 1979


❧ HERO’s GOAL
To provide the damaged family with some self-respect & a semblance of stability, shifting the focus from parental failures to the child’s successes

PURPOSE
For Self: to make order out of the chaos, feel useful, make the home bearable, keep anyone from killing themselves or going crazy. Believe if they’re helpful enough, the ‘sick’ parent will be cured

For Family:  make the family look good & seem ‘normal’ to the outside world, by acting as if the rigid roles don’t exist, & prevent anyone seeing the severe dysfunctionality. Genuine desire to provide a measure of group esteem through their accomplishments

BIRTH ORDER: Usually the oldest child, or the oldest male or oldest female
IN SCHOOL : Gets superior grades, teacher’s pet, sports star, Valedictorian or Prom Queen. Classmates admire, envy or use them as help. Are involved in several extra-curricular activities

FAMILY TREATMENT
Highly regarded, expected to ‘do the right thing”, but may not be praised directly. Held up as a shining example to prove what good parents & good people they are, the one who other relatives dote on

ACTIONS / STYLE
Personal:  Main focus is perfectionism —-> leading to periodic times of dissociation
Inflexible, extreme need for control of everything, great fear of making mistakes, intellectualizes & disregards own emotions.

In the Family: Ignore the real issues.
Often forced to take on parental position & responsibilities at a young age, AND be self-sufficient, feel ‘old’ & burdened (“10 going on 40”). Keep household running. Compensate for sick, drunk, depressed, crazy or missing parent’s inability to cope

Social: Can be highly successful, self-sufficient & seem well-adjusted. Seen by non-family adults as trustworthy, conscientious, mature & capable. Has good relationships with authority figures, volunteers often, over-involved in activities. Into everyone else’s business, a know-it-all, may have lots of friends, pets & ‘needy projects’controlling hero

DEFENSES – Main one: Denial
Overly serious, mature & responsible, high achiever.  Very dependent on outside approval & work hard to get it. Also, they feel special/ superior, don’t need anyone, compulsive @ cleaning, gathering info, appearance, career….

EMOTIONS
Confusion, loneliness, guilt, hurt, anger. Extreme shame, shown by compulsivity ‘helpfulness’
• Deny a wide range of emotions, intense sense of inadequacy – fear of being found out as a ‘fraud’, & an over-all sense of failure – mainly for not fixing family’s problems
DEFICITS
Trouble with: being a follower, taking suggestions or advice, asking for help, relaxing, having fun, being spontaneous.  Not allowed to be weak, needy, scared, vulnerable, helpless

AS ADULTS – THEY:
• are extremely judgmental of others (but may have learned to be subtle about it), and super-critical of themself
hero responsibility • are driven to develop ‘better’ lifestyle than family, make lots of money, master a profession, totally invested in getting & keeping success at all cost, have lots of positive attention but don’t believe or value it
• marry an alcoholic or other ‘problem’ type they can continue to focus on & fix, in lieu of parent
THEY: 
• are cut off from inner emotional life & True Self
• secretly know something’s ‘rotten in Denmark’, but have the hardest time admitting anything needs healing
• will only get help to give up Hero role when emotionally overwhelmed & physically ill from years of stress, have severe substance abuse themselves or a tragedy breaks thru the denial

PARENTS CAN HELP HERO CHILD
TO: Be ok with making mistakes, & develop courage to be imperfect, decrease need to be responsible for everyone, learn to concentrate on self instead of accomplishments (Being vs Doing)
BY: Stressing the value & enjoyment of cooperation & sharing, learning to appreciate Self. Help them accept mistakes gracefully, since it’s never about their identity

CHANGE BELIEFS 
FROM: “I must stay in control of my feelings”.
“ If I don’t do it, no one will.”
“If I don’t do this, something bad will happen, or things will get worse.”
TO: “I am of value just for ‘being’, not only for ‘doing’
“If I don’t do it, someone else will & that’s OK”
“If I don’t do it a certain way,  it’ll be done differently & that’s OK”

Adult RECOVERY NEEDS
• learn to ask for & take what’s needed, accept occasional ‘failures’,  relax & just BE
• let go of perfectionism, need to control & rescuing
• develop ability to listen, follow, be flexible & have fun

STRENGTHS
• attentive, caring, good listener to others’ troubles, nurturing, thoughtful
• appropriately responsible, decisive, focused, goal oriented, organized, self-disciplined
• have leadership qualities, can be successful, initiator, loyal, good at motivating themself & others, study & work hard to achieve.

NEXT: Placater Role

Toxic Family ROLES (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

Scahnge ME??I’VE ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY,
& now you’re saying it’s not the real me??

PREVIOUS: Part 3 – ACoAs – as children

SITE: The Dynamics of a Dysfunctional Relationship

 

❎ DYSFUNCTION (cont)
2a. ACoAs – as CHILDREN

2b. ACoAs – AS ADULTS
heroa. the Hero (usually but not always an Extrovert by nature) may hold on to the role with all their might & become a professional, a healer, an executive…. anyone with authority, responsibility & clout – but only on behalf of others,  OR
• at some point turn their back on the Role so completely that they become the Scapegoat – the perennial ‘fuck-up’ – in order to have NO responsibilities at all – even for themself.  If that gets to be too much, eventually they can switch into Lost Child & be ‘invisible’

placaterb. the Placater is the overly cheerful & helpful one in class or in the office, always agreeing, doesn’t have strong opinions & doesn’t want to disappoint anyone. They are made fun of for being a–kissers & door mats

c. The Scapegoat** – always getting into trouble, often gets fired, doesn’t follow thru & may land in jail, but can also get a lot of street cred as being cool, the bad-boy/girl scapegoator rebel.  even so, they’re very envious of the positive attention given the Hero. They sometimes take up the Hero role if the older child is missing & there’s a desperate need in the family, but it rarely gets them the praise & love given to the ‘favorite’.

** IMPORTANT: Don’t confuse these 2, altho they may overlap:
— Scapegoat Role: child takes on the suffering of the family in a mistaken effort to ease their pain
— Being scapegoated: when one child is chosen by the family to be continually picked on, blamed for all their problems —> because they’re ‘different’ in some way OR too strong, too honest – or both

d. The Lost Child (as a primary position) tends to be an Introvert by nature, so they are more likely to lost childstay in the background throughout life. Even if isolated in their personal life, they can make great contributions to humanity in literature, science, acting, any form of writing….

• If they form any attachment, it will often be with a Hero type who will take care of them & run their life, or a Scapegoat (perpetrator) who will control & bully them. They’re very loyal & usually passive-aggressive, since they don’t ‘do’ confrontation.  They may have one close friend for life or none at all

e. The Mascot is usually an Extrovert by nature (but not always) & will find mascotways to get noticed – any kind of performer, teacher, salesperson….. the life of the party, naturally entertaining.
BUT they have to work hard to be taken seriously, because of their facade of silliness & ignorance. However, if they have the Hero as a sub-role, they can draw on it for competence & reliability when needed.

= = = = = = =
ANOTHER way to describe the ROLES is to consider how internal PARTS of a person extend out to family member in a dysfunctional system (Internal Family Systems)

SELF : CORE identity of a person. When in our True Self, this is an active, compassionate force, internally & in the family
Qualities : calm, confident, courageous, creative

MANAGER : the internal system’s guide, trying to be in control of every situation & relationship, to keep from feeling hurt or rejected
Aspects: caretaker, controller, judge, passive pessimist, self-critical, striver

EXILE : holds the painful emotions isolated from the conscious Self, to protect oneself & the system. This aspect can become progressively more extreme, loudly trying to be heard & to share their ‘story’.
Emotions : despondence, fear / terror, grief / lost, loneliness, rage, shame

FIREFIGHTER : also protects the system, but only acts once the exile is too upset, to soothe & distract oneself from the exile’s emotions
Activities : driven to or immersed in Addictions – computer, diet, exercise, sex, sleep, shopping…
Also: dissociation, fantasy, self-harm, suicidality, violence

= = = = = =
PROFILE of a Dysfunctional Family
“Bradshaw on the Family: a Revolutionary Way of Self-Discovery”, John Bradshaw,  Health Communications, Inc., 1988
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NEXT: HERO role