PREVIOUS: O-C ourselves #7

EOC = Emotional Over-Control

CONSEQUENCES of OVER-CONTROL (cont)
4. Envy & Jealousy
5. Isolation

6. Over-Dependence – BY cutting off important parts of ourself – our intuition, observations, intelligence, psychological growth… – over-control keeps us in emotional child-mode, even though we’re physically adults.
This creates a desperate need for others to take care of us as replacement parents, giving them the right & the power to run our life. Arranging this ‘deal’ with someone is not that hard, since there are plenty of other damaged people in the world to choose from who are control freaks

• To establish an unhealthy bond with a caretaker type –
WE need to be willing to give up most or all of our autonomy, which may be our usual style (Victim, Lost Child), OR “only” abandon ourself in romantic relationships. What we’re really asking for is to have someone else give us permission to animate the very part we’ve buried!

‘THEY’ can be a taker/user or rescuer, but must be some degree of narcissist – or else they wouldn’t want to take on the parental or bully role with us. Instead of ‘giving us life”, most of the time they reinforce our self-destruction.

7. Perfectionism – Just as Illusion is about others (in Part 6), P. is about ourself. We O-C to compensate for never feeling good enough to be loved unconditionally. We figured that we should always be perfect, in every way, otherwise we deserve to be dead – or – definitely thrown away.

If we actually were flaw-less, knowing everything & never making a mistake – we’d never have to face the pain of rejection, because everyone would always accept & love us, starting with our parents.
That’s the WIC’s delusional tactic, geared at getting approval from our rejecting, controlling family.

• Perfection-ism is definitely a form of S-H, & a sneaky version of emotional O-C, which forces us to deny our soft side, our human limitations, needs & vulnerability. ✦ Since no one can be perfect, we waste so much efforts & prevent actually being valued & wanted (even when we’re already liked!), but we foolishly keep trying – which adds to our desperation & depression

• This compulsion keeps us from trusting, taking appropriate risks, challenging & empowering ourself to grow, OR from helping others develop themselves when we’re in positions of authority, like a parent, boss, group leader….without using them to fix our damage

8. Spirituality: Resistance to letting go of over-controlling ourself makes it hard for many addicts & other ACoAs to benefit from the spiritual connection provided by the 12 steps of AA, especially:
Step #1:  “We admitted we were powerless over (alcohol / our family / our damage / our resistance / our fears…) — that our lives had become unmanageable”, and
Step #3:  “Made a decision to turn our will & our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him”.

• According to our WIC, to actively accept & use either Step feels like surrendering – again – to an abusive authority, like the ones we grew up with.  John Bradshaw reminds us that: “Until the age of 7 children deify their parents, & after age 7 they parentalize their Deity’.  With that in mind, a saying in ACoAs meetings is “God is NOT an alcoholic parent”.

GROWTH
Instead, we can gradually learn that the God-of-our-understanding is a loving Higher Power who we can rely on, available for healing & strength AND NOT like our family.
Trust comes from actual experience, which doesn’t come easily for ACoAs. When we ‘let go’ of having to censor everything think & feel – we’ll start finding the lost parts (in the Shadow) by listening to our healthy intuition, hard-won knowledge & experience. Then we can comfortably participate in the world on our own terms.

• If we connect with healthy people, growing our own Loving Parent & getting into the healing flow of the universe, we will be truly taken care of, at a deeper level.
Then it becomes safer to let go of O-C (AA calls it destructive ‘self-will run riot’), because we have something positive & reliable to “fall back on” through emotional growth & mental clarity!

• Also, we’ll be able to tell who’s safe & who’s not.There’s a big difference between being cynical or paranoid and realistically cautious. People always tell a lot about themselves right from the very beginning. Pay attention!

NEXT: Price for over-control

PREVIOUS: Over-controlling ourselves #2

SITEs:  What Freud got Right
— and Criticism of his theories 

▪︎ “8 Styles of Controlling Parents”, & while on that site, click on ‘Statistics’!

REVIEW: Toxic Family Roles post

AS ADULTS (cont)
FREUD theorized that successful socialization is a process by which children learn to immediately suppress gratifying their impulses, in order to do what’s “best” for them & for society. After all, you can’t have your cake (later) – & eat it too (now)!
The superego is the part of personality holding all our internalized moral standards & ideals, acquired from both parents & society – our sense of right and wrong.

The id is the only part present from birth, containing everything that’s inherited. Entirely unconscious, it includes instinctive & primitive behaviors, & the source of all psychic energy, making it the foundation of personality.
It’s driven by the Pleasure Principal, always pushing for immediate gratification of all desires, wants & needs, which creates much internal tension & anxiety whenever they’re  not immediately satisfied.

BEING Over-Controlled comes from the punitive Superego, telling us to be afraid of all those yucky ‘id’ desires, as well as legitimate needs.
This PP voice (persecutor/pig parent) was programmed by our family to eliminate all unacceptable (even normal human) parts which they suppressed in themselves, so couldn’t bear to see in us, as a reminder of their deprivation

✶ Unfortunately for ACoAs – that suppression went too far. Not only were our child-ish impulses considered evil, but our very Core Self was supposed to be obliterated.
— So, the more some of us conformed to this harmful requirement the more acceptable we seemed to be – on the surface – maybe even getting a little less abuse

— But those of us who actually tried to express our True Self (labeled by family as back-talking, ‘difficult’, disobedient, rebellious, stubborn…) were crushed, leaving us perhaps even more scarred & crippled than the compliant kids

Without Recovery, we don’t have an ‘off’ switch for obsessive thinking or compulsive behaviors. What’s needed is the Loving Inner Parent to sooth, & a Healthy Adult to guide (the UNIT), otherwise we use the only tools we have for ‘self-control’ – being self-abusive!

As a result, we can be both controlling and controlled, depending on who we’re with & what kind of stress we’re under. This poisons all our interactions as long as we’re run by the WIC, who is filled with fear (FoA) & false beliefs (CDs) coming from the Negative Introject (PP).

PSYCHOLOGICAL Extremes
Under-Controlling Ourself
• These are the angry, controlling, dramatic, impulsive, over-doing, Risk-addicted …. ACoAs
The original Laundry List says “We became addicted to excitement” from being exposed as kids to endless chaos, danger & unpredictability. Now we think ‘drama’ & anxiety are normal, constantly recreating it in our life to keep the adrenalin going.

• We can be over-indulgent, over-spenders, hoarders & debtors – so that on the surface it looks like we’re giving ourselves whatever we want.
Actually, it’s the WIC spending time & resources on love-buying to fill the empty-hole-in-our-soul with people, places & things that can never satisfy
OR
Over-controlling Ourself
• These are complaining, depressed, fearful, invisible, isolating, passive-aggressive, sullen, victims…. reacting to the early abuse & neglect by being Risk-Averse, sometimes to the point of barely functioning at all

▪︎ While we may seem OK from the outside, most of us are ‘anorectic’ about self-care (even the high-functioning ACoAs) depriving ourself of many legitimate human needs.
Depending on our personal style, we don’t allow ourself enough (if any) : accomplishments, comfort, compliments, food, kindness, love, money, relaxation, respect, self-awareness, sex, support, touch …..We assume these rights only apply to others.

🎯 That’s one reason it takes so long, even in Recovery, to relax & be at peace – emotional extreme pulls are the only states that feel ‘normal’.  When things are too calm & sane we feel bored. Fortunately, the addictive Hi – Lo swings fade as we heal, just as always hiding out from the world gradually becomes less satisfying than making positive connections.

NEXT: Over-controlling #4

PREVIOUS: Self-care, Internally & Externally – #2

All POSTS on Narcissisms (2021)

If you HAVE to deal with a Controller (cont)

2. EXTERNALLY – dealing with THEM (cont)
• Observe a controller’s repeated patterns in their communications vs. action, especially when the 2 don’t match up!
Always go by their ACTIONS rather than what they say – especially when you’ve been the recipient of long-standing abuse &/or neglect.

What’s behind their mask of charm, fake concern, grand gestures, high positions….. is the ugly truth.
You can’t afford to be in denial by overlooking or excusing their ‘game’ of manipulation & image control.

• Quietly notice what the C does & says, like research. Write down what you hear, & anything that set them off (their buttons), so you can be prepared when it happens again AND avoid setting them off as much as possible

• Imagine yourself in their place. How might they be experiencing you? What do they want from you? What are they reacting to in you?

• When possible, don’t respond – at all. Some C. try to pick fights to get a rise out of you. They like the drama. You don’t have to participate! GREY ROCK them

• Depending on the person or situation, try applying verbal honey by complementing the C. for something they’ve done well or something you’ve learned from them. It may or may not work, but it’s worth a try. Be sincere in your comments
• Stay in the moment rather than getting caught up in their negative projections of the future

REALISTIC CONSEQUENCES
Ask yourself: “What’s the WORST that can happen to me” IF:
a. I DON’T respond at all? Depending on who you’re dealing with & the circumstances, there can be different outcomes

b. I DO respond? Consider if it will escalate the difficulty or make it better. If you do say anything, it has to come from your Inner Adult – for it to have a chance of working in your favor

✶ Use your knowledge of this person to gauge your options. Think it thru all the way to the end of the line – what has happened before when you did or didn’t comment? The more you stay present for what you know – & use it – the better off you’ll be!

ANTIDOTEs to GETTING controlled
• Acknowledge when you are being controlled – without self-hate.  If it has happened to you again & again, it means you were trained by your family to accept bad behavior, but you can retrain yourself away from those types, by developing a Loving inner Parent to help the WIC heal

• Write out specific ways someone’s controlling you. If you’re not sure, there are list on the internet of typical C. styles. Measure that against what you already know but have a ‘hard time’ noticing or admitting

• Identify the long-standing patterns in your own thinking & behaviors that make you vulnerable to being controlled – a careful inventory of your Toxic Rules & how you obey them (behaviors)
• Work on changing those patterns, so you can get out from under debilitating relationships, friendships, ‘spiritual’ or other groups, corporate cultures… OR leave as soon as you spot anyone trying to use C on you

• Letting someone continue to control you is a type of addiction – it means you’re as symbiotically attached to the current bossy / bullying person in your life as you have been to your parents (even if they’re far away or dead)
• If not already – get into therapy & Al-Anon, to prevent further damage to yourself (raging, getting fired, self-cutting, isolating, auto-immune illnesses …. )
• Realize that C is not only a psychological problem but a spiritual one, since it negates your fundamental rights & individuality. You have a right to NOT be controlled (bullied).

SITE: Dr. Judy Esmond, Ph.D. suggests that we can respond better – not react – when dealing with controllers, by pausing, breathing, thinking & only then speaking.  Her book “Dealing With Difficult People” offers 17 free tips that can be downloaded from her website, nodifficultpeople.com.

USE the LISTs of Effective Responses website) and Useful & Clever Responses (post) for suggestions. Pick out a couple & memorize them so they come out of your mouth easily!

NEXT : Over-controlling ourselves #1