▪︎ “8 Styles of Controlling Parents”, & while on that site, click on ‘Statistics’!
REVIEW: Toxic Family Roles post
AS ADULTS (cont)
FREUD theorized that successful socialization is a process by which children learn to immediately suppress gratifying their impulses, in order to do what’s “best” for them & for society. After all, you can’t have your cake (later) – & eat it too (now)!
The superego is the part of personality holding all our internalized moral standards & ideals, acquired from both parents & society – our sense of right and wrong.
The id is the only part present from birth, containing everything that’s inherited. Entirely unconscious, it includes instinctive & primitive behaviors, & the source of all psychic energy, making it the foundation of personality
It’s driven by the Pleasure Principal, always pushing for immediate gratification of all desires, wants & needs, which creates much internal tension & anxiety if not immediately satisfied.
BEING Over-Controlled comes from the punitive Superego, telling us to be afraid of all those yucky ‘id’ desires, as well as legitimate needs.
This PP voice (persecutor parent) was programmed by our family to eliminate all unacceptable (but normal) parts which they suppressed in themselves, so couldn’t bear to see in us, as a reminder of their deprivation
✶ Unfortunately for ACoAs – that suppression went too far. Not only were our child-ish impulses considered evil, but our very Core Self was supposed to be obliterated.
— So, the more some of us conformed to this harmful requirement the more acceptable we seemed to be – on the surface – maybe even getting a little less abuse
— But those of us who actually tried to express our True Self (labeled by family as rebellion, disobedience, stubbornness, back-talk…) were crushed, leaving us perhaps even more scarred & crippled than the compliant kids
Without Recovery, we don’t have an ‘off’ switch for obsessive thinking or compulsive behaviors. What’s needed is the Loving Inner Parent to sooth, & a Healthy Adult to guide (the UNIT), otherwise we use the only tools we have for ‘self-control’ – being self-abusive!
As a result, we can be both controlling and controlled, depending on who we’re with & what kind of stress we’re under. This poisons all our interactions as long as we’re run by the WIC, who is filled with fear (FoA) & false beliefs (CDs) coming from the Negative Introject.
• angry, controlling, dramatic, impulsive, over-doing, Risk-addicted….
The Laundry List says “We became addicted to excitement”, from being exposed as kids to endless chaos, unpredictability & danger. Now we think ‘drama’ & anxiety are normal, constantly recreating it in our lives to keep the adrenalin going.
• We can be over-indulgent, over-spenders, hoarders & debtors – so that on the surface it looks like we’re giving ourselves whatever we want.
Actually, it’s the WIC spending time & resources on love-buying to filling the empty-hole-in-our-soul with people, places & things that can never satisfy
At the same time, we can be:
• complaining, depressed, fearful, invisible, isolating, passive-aggressive, sullen, victims…. reacting to the early abuse & neglect by being Risk-Averse, sometimes to the point of barely functioning at all
▪︎ While we may look OK on the outside, most of us are ‘anorectic’ about self-care (even the high-functioning ACoAs – depriving ourselves of many legitimate human needs. Depending on our personal style, we don’t allow ourselves enough (if any) awareness, accomplishments, comfort, compliments, food, kindness, love, money, relaxation, respect, sex, support, touch ….. These rights only apply to others.
🎯 That’s one reason it takes so long, even in Recovery, to relax & be at peace – emotional swings are the only states that feel ‘normal’. When things are too calm & sane we feel bored. Fortunately, the addictive pull of Hi & Lo extremes fades as we heal, just as always hiding out from the world gradually becomes less satisfying than making positive connections
NEXT: Over-controlling #4