Author: dmtorbi

ACoAs & CONFUSION – as Kids (Part 2d)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

confusion #5BUT SHE SAYS SHE LOVES ME– & of course I believe her!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#2c)

SITEs:”Gender Identity – Prenatal Factors”
• “Gender Identity & Gender Confusion in Children”


📕🖌️Childhood CONFUSION : OTHER sources (cont)
1. Being LIED to (in #2c)
2. Gender confusion – here this only refers to parents causing a distortion in the child’s identity, rather than being born gay, bi or trans-gendered. Children want to be acceptable & loved by parents, so look to them for information & validation. When parents hate themselves & the opposite sex, they do a great deal of harm. There are a number of possible permutations to this twisting.

IF:gender cinfusion – a ‘sick’ /alcoholic father raises a daughter by himself, & continually expresses hatred for women (mother, ex-wife….), THEN this daughter will not learn how to be feminine, & may try to be ‘invisible’ or to act like a boy

IF – a cruel mother systematically negates a daughter’s gender, THEN the girl may take on the characteristics of a boy, OR just hates her own, hiding behind promiscuity, overweight, isolation….

IF – a narcissistic mother has a son but wanted a daughter, & so from infancy treats him as a girl
THEN he may take that on as his identity, or express his rage by rape, addictions, macho fighting….

IF – a controlling father wanted a son but only got a daughter
THEN he may try to turn her into a boy to be an extension of himself, & she’ll try to be the best baseball player or company ‘man’ – if she has the ability. If not, she’ll only get disapproval & disdain….

3. COMMUNICATION Styles – review
• Passives truly believe their needs don’t count. They’re sort of like mice – small & timid – doing just about anything to avoid confrontations or being ‘seen’. They like to please others, usually at their own expense, which eventually builds into resentment

• Aggressives act as if only their needs matter. They accuse, insult, yell, threaten & dominate. Not surprisingly, they’re often in relationships with passivescomm styles

• Passive-aggressives don’t think their needs matter, but also angry about not getting them met. They use manipulation, guilt & subtle ‘games’ to get what they want because they’re not allowed to ask outright.
They hide their aggression by staying quiet, ‘forgetting’ things, refusing to listen, changing plans at the last minute…. & never admitting their anger & outrage

❇ Assertives recognize that everyone’s needs are important, so they use honest, neutral language to ask. This requires a level of emotional vulnerability, which comes with some emotional/mental maturity. Rewards : getting their own needs met, expressing emotions freely but appropriately, with healthier relationships, so everyone feels heard & connected, most of the time

Communication DISTORTIONS
a. Conflicting information: Damaging adults insist you see the world in their same slanted way, even with much evidence to the contrary. We heard:
• “Purple is Green, you don’t really see that, I’m not an alcoholic, your brother isn’t really dangerous, no one is to be trusted, no one will ever like / love you ….”

• “We’ll help you any way we can / you can tell us anything / we’ll always be there for you” BUT when do you go to them …. they negate what you say, make excuses, make it your fault, make it all about them….
They don’t actually want to deal wdouble talkith your emotional needs, nor will they tell the truth about what’s really going on in the family

• “Of course I love you”. BUT that’s not how it feels – as they alternately neglect & hurt you
• “Do as I say, not as I do”. Kids are master imitators – that’s how they learn. When adults’ rules & actions are diametrically opposed to their words, kids get thoroughly confused.

As kids, if we recognize their ‘game’, we feel betrayed, their hypocrisy leaving us with no one to trust. AND – which version do we follow? If we disobey the rules we get punished, but if we obey them we betray ourselves!
THEY SAY : • “Don’t lie” & then they lie in blatant or subtle ways
• “Never use drugs” as they smoke all day & drink like fish….
• “You’ll be the death of me yet”.  So I wonder “Am I a potential murderer?” What if they die young-ish? And if they’re still alive many years later, what does that mean??

NEXT: ACoAs & Confusion (Part 2e)

ACoAs & CONFUSION – as Kids (Part 2c)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

teaching congusionWHICH WAY DO I TURN?
They’re mixing me up! (# 4)

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#2b)

 
🖌️ Childhood CONFUSION : PARENTAL sources (2b)

📕🖌️ Childhood CONFUSION (cont) OTHER sources
1. Being LIED to
a. about US
EXP: Sick little boy is dressed up, & some of this things put in a suitcase.
TOLD: “You’re going to a party & staying over for a while”.
REALITY: Child is taken to the hospital for procedure, dropped off & just left!

COMMON LIES parent lying
• You killed your mother (at birth)
• Your bad behavior caused your father’s drinking
• You can go play later – when all your work is done
• That therapist is bad for you / confusing you (tells you I hurt you)
• You’re a ‘bad seed’
• You’re father didn’t meant to hurt you/ he really loves you but doesn’t know how to show it….

EXP: 4 yr. child bumps her head while playing under the dining table. She’s bleeding & goes crying to her mother. Mom (also a drunk) yells at her: “You’re not really hurt!. Go to your room.”

b. about THEM
EXP: A boy’s mother spent most of 20 yrs holed up in her bedroom.
TOLD: Mom is suffering from menopause. (She was in her early 30‘s).
TRUTH: She was either drunk, sleeping it off or hung over!
It was only many years later, as a young man, he learned that menopause usually comes much later in life & doesn’t last 20 yrs!

COMMON LIES
• I’ve never said that! / I didn’t mean the way that sounded (Yes you did!)
• I’m never wrong / I’m perfect
• We’ll go to a movie / beach…..this weekend (not)
• I’ve never done anything wrong to you
• I’ll pick you up after school – but never shows up, or always very late
• I’ll come to see you at the game / in the play…. (not)

EXP: Severe alcoholic father TOLD the same story for years – that he was in WW II, on the front lines, & participated in terrible events.
TRUTH: For the whole war he was a supply clerk, & was never in combat.

EXP: Mom pushed to stay with daughter Marcia on a visit for a week in another city. Marcia kept saying “Come, but you can’t stay here”.lying mother
TOLD: “But I’m coming to see you, I’m just low on money, I won’t get in your way….”.

Marcia felt bad for mom’s ‘poverty’ but couldn’t put her up in the tiny apartment. In spite of Marcia’s explanations, mom decided to spent the last night of her trip at daughter’s place, and then announced this ‘favor’ at the last minute without asking if it was OK.  Marcia felt she could handle that much, so agreed.

TRUTH: Mom brought along a BFF, stayed in a fancy hotel for the week AND between lunch visits with Marcia, went shopping – buying many expensive clothes & shoes – & then showing them off on that last evening! Poor????

c. about OTHERS in the family
EXP: Early Saturday a.m. child looks out front window & sees dad face down on the lawn. Terrified, child rushes to wake mom, screaming “Dad’s dead, dad’s dead!” Mom reluctantly comes down to see, looks out & says: “Oh, your dad just went camping last night”. REALLY??
TRUTH: Dad was out drinking – again – & passed out before he could get in the house. Child is confused. If this is camping, where’s the tent?

EXP: Family myth – Grandpa was a traveling salesman & died tragically in a train derailment
TRUTH: He was on a train, but merchandise wasn’t the only thing he was carrying. He was with one of many ‘girlfriends’, got into a drunken fight with her husbandeath bed lied & was killed. Not a good guy, & not tragic!

EXP: Selena is an only child of 2 severely alcoholic parents – who fought like 2 wet cats for 40 yrs. Dad dies of cirrhosis. A few years later, on her deathbed, Selena’s mom tells her: “Your dad was not your biological father”, & before she’s willing to say more, mom dies.
🔹There are no other relative to get info from, so to this day Selena still doesn’t know if her mom was lying or not!

NEXT: ACoAs & Confusion (#3a)

ACoAs & CONFUSION – as Kids (Part 2b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

confused IDWHO AM I?
what am I supposed to be?

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#2a)

SITE: Identity vs Role Confusion – Stage 5

QUOTE: “May the forces of evil be confused on the way to your house” ~ George Carlin

📕🖌️Childhood CONFUSION (cont.) : PARENTAL sources
1. THEIR Narcissism

• Mother to child: “Put a sweater on, I’m cold”. HUH???
• Bragging about us to others, to make themselves look good – but never complementing us directly – while constantly tearing us down to our face.
We may or may not find out what they’ve been saying behind our back, but it doesn’t help. Are they proud of me or not?? What do others really think?  (3 Types of narc parents ➡️)

• EITHER: We’re absolutely convinced one or both parents are withholding – of love, attention, information, protection, affection….. when in fact they don’t have it to give because of their own damage. The smart, intuitive part of us DOES know it- but is too painful to acknowledge, so we blame ourselves!

OR – one parent is the pillar of the community, giving to others of their time, attention, knowledge, camaraderie…. BUT at home is withholding & distant, or blatantly abusive to wife &/or kids. No one will believe you if you tell – you would be a liar or the crazy one!

OR – he or she gives our toys, clothes, gifts…. to others, without any warning or discussion (stealing from us) to be the big-shot, to make themselves feel better & seem important, be admired. They’re feeding off of others because they’re empty inside.
Confusion: My parent is a ‘good’ & beloved person, so why not to me??

2. Hypocrisy – more likely to occur in externally functioning (dysfunctional) families – but not exclusively. Kids know when adults are being dishonest, but this will cause too much cognitive dissonance, so they end up believing the lies, & then have to work very hard to validate & justify their parents’ actions & statements, just to not feel crazy.
We’re all familiar with the preacher / public servant / spiritual teacher type who publicly advocates purity, sobriety, family values…. but privately does the opposite – until they get caught! (More...)2-faced

• A favorite manipulation of many parents is “Do as I say, not as I do”. This is very confusing, since kids automatically & relentlessly copy what the adults do, as much as absorb what they’re told.

Ironically, those of us who said “I’ll never BE like them” end up either following the same patterns directly (maybe in a disguised form), OR marrying / working for someone just like them. Among many other reasons ACoAs copy them, it’s our loyalty to family, and an attempt to eliminate confusion

3. Mental & Emotional illness (especially harmful when it’s the mother).
From the very beginning of life these children are trapped with real crazinesmental illnesss – someone who never makes any sense, or is only intermittently lucid – so their first relationship is with someone who twists, manipulates, gaslights —> ”false information presented to make a victim doubt their memory, perception & sanity”

• The parent may be psychotic, or ‘just’ severely depressed, drunk / drugged, suicidal…. ending up in the hospital, probably several times, with very little or no explanation given (needed info), with the child not allowed to visit, not knowing if the parent will ever be back….

OR being forced to take care of the debilitated parent at home, along with siblings – for many, many years, subjected all the while to mental confusion & cruelty.
It’s one more way we become deeply ashamed of ourselves (being part of that weird or shameful family). We learn never to rely on or trust others, or on our own intuition & experience.
Am I a child or am I the parent? Am I evil? Am I crazy too???

Early Confusion: Having several caretakers – being sent to live with relatives, having too many sitters, shunted to many foster homes, adopted – but not told, several step-fathers…. Who are my real parents? does anyone truly love me? where do I belong?

NEXT: Confusion  #2b

ACoAs & CONFUSION – as Kids (Part 2a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, self-help

CHILDHOOD CONFUSIONI MUST BE CRAZY
I can’t decide anything!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & CONFUSION (#1)

SITE: Erikson’s Developmental Stages

QUOTE: “Until otherwise proven wrong, assume confusion.”
From ‘Judgement on the Front Line’~ C. DeRose & N. M. Tichy

📙🖌️ OVERVIEW (Part 1)
📕🖌️ CHILDHOOD confusion
ACoAs grow up with so much distorted, incorrect or missing information that we end up feeling crazy! WE were never crazy – it was the environment. We tried our very best to make sense of what we heard & saw, but that simply was not possible. That was NOT our fault or any lack in us!

• Damaged, narcissistic & addicted parents use many defenses to keep their carefully constructed life-mobile from crashing, so they don’t have to face themselves & change. Consciously or otherwise, they figured the more they could confuse us & keep us off-balance, the less chance we’d have to call them on their crap.

Even so, there’s often one child in the family who really gets what’s going on, who can’t be conned. They’re not confused, but if they let that slip they get severely punished.
In this case you’re in a Double-bind – you=the Receiver & they=the Sender. As a kid this is at best confusing, at worst crazy making.

projectionOne tool sick parents use is Projection (NOT Projecting the worst outcome) when they or anyone else attributes negative qualities – to you – that are only their own.
It can be called emotional dyslexia (getting things backwards) – when they label or accuse you of being something they unconsciously disown or know about themselves, but refuse to admit.

Children want & NEED to understand what’s expected of them – how to behave, where the boundaries are, their chores, their place in the family & the world, how to deal with each other & outsiders….
They’re highly intuitive & focused on their environment, with great curiosity about everything, & to understand what’s going on, so they know how to act & fit in.

Ideally, clearly knowing these things allows children to act appropriately, which leads to staying connected & feeling safe, to mature & flourish, based on what the healthy adults can provide & teachildhood Qsch them.

BUT – If the messages kids receive are crazy, garbled, contradictory, incomplete…. there’s no way they can figure out:
• who they are (identity) and how to behave
• how to correctly follow the adults’ demands, expectations & rules
• why they’re being punished or neglected
• what’s right & wrong, re. their own values or those in their world
• how to interact with others in a reasonable way (can cause isolation)
• when it’s safe to let go, not worry & just have fun

Children’s perceptions aren’t as clouded by years of conditioning as adults. They’re very concrete & literal, with little emotional or verbal filtering. They tend to say exactly what they think & feel, much to the chagrin or rage of adults – until awareness of their environment is beaten & terrified out of them, who then rebels or goes into hiding.

– The ‘good’ child (Hero) will carefully go along, following the script even when it doesn’t make any sense

– The ‘problem’ child (Scapegoat – who sees thru the confusion, but only for a while) will try to cut into the distortions by throwing the ‘truth’ in everyone’s face – without success. NOT quite the same as being scapegoated.

confused man– The ‘invisible’ child (Lost C) simply hides itself, closes it’s ears & tries to escape by physically isolating & staying in its head

– The ‘cute’ child (Mascot) tries to lighten the heavy painful atmosphere by playing dumb but amusing

• So we cobbled together some kind of view of ourselves & the world out of the many forms of twisted communication we were subjected to. It’s like having to weave a tapestry with only old tattered cloth, dead flowers, prickly vines & invisible yarn – forming a nightmare design.

We ended up deeply perplexed about who we are, how things work, what’s possible…. while at the same time having only one way of being/ doing things (according to the Introject), so we don’t realize there are other options in the real world – for us.

NEXT: ACoAs & Confusion (Part 3)

ACoAs & CONFUSION (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

state of CONFUSED

IT FEELS LIKE I’M CRAZY
I just can’t get it right!

PREVIOUS: Gifted Children #4

SITE: Sometimes Confusion Is A Good Thing

📙🖌️ OVERVIEW
DEF of Confusion (Cf) – Mentally disoriented. The inability to make decisions clearly & quickly
– Cf occurs when another person’s Boundaries are vague, not easily understood, or in conflict with themselves

NOTE: These posts refer to Cf which is NOT caused by long-term severe mental illness or physical changes in the brain due to accident, aging, chemicals/ medication, drug use or illness.

Important distinction – confusion is always a cognitive (mental) NOT an emotional issue. It’s about whether or not we can think clearly, based on what’s going on in our head or how someone else is presenting information.

For ACoAs – overcoming life-long confusion is mainly about coming out of denial about our traumatic past. It includes identifying & correcting cognitive distortions (CDs) and toxic family beliefs, which lead to procrastination, self-doubt, perfectionism & self-hate!

To do that we need to know enough about ourselves AND how the world really functions – to not blindly follow what our unhealthy family taught us, or what the WIC has come to believe because of it.SCARF model

The opposite of confusion is Certainty, which is not the same as being rigid, dogmatic or opinionated.
Based on NLP, David Rock explains that there are 5 major goals of the human brain geared towards ‘maintaining’, ie. increasing positives & reducing negatives (the SCARF model): Status, Certainty, Autonomy, Relatedness & Fairness.  (MORE….)

• Executive Coach Ed Batista commented that certainty is a result of the brain’s effort to conserve energy, which comes from the limited capacity of the prefrontal cortex, the seat of executive function….

Human beings resist putting great mental effort into decision-making & impulse control because the body is preserving resources for a possible emergency in the next moment, & the same dynamic contributes to resisting uncertainty.” (CHART & info….)

Some causes of Mental / Psychological confusion
• Complex lifestyles – too much to do & not enough time, constant stress
confusion/stress• Denial – not wanting to admit & accept the way things really are (re. people, places, things), & so create a variety of defenses to mask the truth
• Dysfunctional interactions with others
• deliberately Distorted info – from media, politicians, advertising, cults, corporations …..
• Ignorance – trying to figure out something without enough or the correct info
• Grandiosity – trying to DO something without actually knowing how

• Major changes (Recovery process, new work, moving, divorce…..) without research, mentoring or other info, therefore being unprepared
• Misunderstanding & differences between countries, boss & workers, men & women, people speaking different languages….

• Overwhelming amounts of info from too many different sources (especially for Introverts)
• Transitions : those in-between times, from one inner state or outer situation to another, because we don’t know what to expect

Again, here we’re mainly concerned with the kind of confusion which comes from distorted ways people communicate with themselves or others, with words & body language, either unconsciously or deliberately.

When someone says “I feel confused”, they’re combining emotions & thoughts without expressing either one!
🔺What DO you feel – angry, happy…. ?  It sounds like they’re speaking about an emotion (I feel), but this ‘feel’ only refers to thinking . (See also “Feelings aren’t facts”).

🔑 What are you confused ABOUT?  The phrase actually means they doesn’t know what to think about something (the jumble in my head, conflicting opposite needs or desires…. ) – often because of CDs, obsessions & Toxic Rules

• Someone can also be (mentally) confused when we have several or opposite emotions re. the same situation at the same time – happy/sad, lonely/excited…
🟢 Instead of either/or, think in terms of layers, coming from different levels of desire, experience, need or maturity…..

No one taught us (info = mental) that having ➕ / ➖ emotions together is not unusual, & will come from the same or different ego states.
EXP: Parent – loving someone while being angry with them
Adult – relieved someone’s gone away / Inner Child: (yet) missing them…..

🧩 Without knowing this, it may seem like a dilemma. However, feeling many differing emotions at once doesn’t need to be confusing, which only comes from negative beliefs, or having a limited awareness of human complexity.

NEXT: ACoAs & Confusion #2

Gifted Children – Types (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS: G & T kids #3

SITEs:  Emotional Sensitivities

• The Child with Poor Social Relations  

• Being Unusually ‘Gifted’ Can Take A Severe Psychological & Emotional Toll On Children

Gifted & Talented (G&Ts) by BEHAVIORAL STYLEs (cont)
Type III: The Under-grounders
Type IV: The At-Risk

Type V: The Double-Labeled
‘Double-Labeled’ (‘Twice Exceptional / Dual diagnosis’) – are kids whose giftedness is masked by a physical or emotional handicap, or by learning disabilities such as ADD & Dyslexia, none of which impact actual capacity to think, but only the style.

They’re sometimes mislabeled as “lazy,” since they perform well in one area but struggle in another. EXP: such a student might keep getting unbelievable high score in language arts, but with barely-competent abilities in math.

Since school systems focus on strengthening weaknesses rather than nurturing existing strengths, Type V’s rarely show special abilities at school. So they’re often not recognized as gifted until well into their academic careers – if at all.

Type Vs feel rejected, which shows up as disruptive behaviors & confusion about their inability to perform school tasks. With low self-esteem, stress leads to becoming discouraged, frustrated, isolated, & acting helpless.

Rather than admit they’re having a problem learning – they may claim that school work is boring or stupid. But while impatient & critical, they can be highly skilled at using the defense of intellectualization as a way to cope with their feeling of inadequacy.

At home of such children need advocacy, recognition for their abilities, & family activities to challenge them. Family counseling & medication may be needed.

TYPE VI: The Autonomous Learner
These are self-confident, independent children that are successful academically, motivated, goal-oriented & responsible. Unlike Type Is, these children have learned how to use the existing school system to get their needs met – based on a strong, positive self-concept.

They make up their own minds about how hard to work & what else they have planned. They’re well-respected by adults & peers, with a small social circle of friends. Often serving in some leadership role in school or their community, they still need a good coach at each level of development.

They accept themselves & are risk takers, which goes well with their independent & self-directed nature, willing to push boundaries in ways that “Type 1 – successful” gifted children are not.
They are also able to express their feelings, opinions & needs freely & appropriately.

Being creative thinkers, they look for opportunities to pursue their interests. EXP: If they’re interested in trains but their school doesn’t provide an outlet for this passion. they may look for summer programs or extracurricular opportunities to build train sets or visit stockyards.

This style of learning is not usually seen in young children, but parents may have an inkling of it by how they play. These G&Ts also need family support, advocacy, family activities & opportunities related to their interests. But they should also be allowed to have friends of all ages, with no time or space restrictions. (MORE….)

Child-MATURITY
Parents & teachers of the G&Ts often make the mistake of assuming that an exceptionally bright child is just as advanced emotionally. However, the reality is that their intellectual, physical, emotional & social abilities develop at different rates, & to different degrees. This uneven growth is called asynchronous development.

There are 2 broad categories  of emotional sensitivity & development:
☁︎ The young geniuses who are emotionally appropriate to their chronological age, but are wrongly considered immature because of their mental abilities. They may even sometimes throw tantrums when highly frustrated, a normal reaction for a G & T child. (“Mistaken expectations“)
 AND
🤔 The G & Ts who are especially sensitive to their environment because of their giftedness – an intensified ability to respond to stimuli – called over-excitability (OE) – seen in 5 areas: emotional, imaginational, intellectual, psycho-motor & sensual .

NEXT: 

Gifted Children – Types (Part 3)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: G & T kids #2

SITEs: Depressive disorder in highly gifted adolescents

• WARNING: Parenting a GIFTED CHILD may be Hazardous to your (mental) heath

CATEGORIES of ‘Gifted & Talented’ (G&T) (cont)
TYPE I: The Successful
Type II: The Challenging

Type III: The Under-grounders
These students develop at a different pace from their peers (asynchronously). They often hide or deny their exceptional abilities in order to feel more included by their more ‘average’ peer group. Therefore, many of them (usually female) are never identified as gifted, since they tend to be quiet, insecure & anxious.

This pattern can start usually around grades 4-6, when bullying is at its peak in most schools, with a dramatic rise in middle school. If they’re in a ‘gifted’ school program, they minimize their talents by resisting challenges – because of shyness.

• They see school as irrelevant & a hindrance to what they really want to do – which is to express their talent. So it’s better for Type IIIs to have creative interests outside of school – where they can get validation for their exceptional abilities. Although Type III’s should not be allowed to abandon all projects or advanced classes, alternatives can be explored for meeting their academic needs.

• If a gifted boy goes underground, it tends to be later, in high school, & usually from pressure to participate in athletics.
Type IIIs who earlier were highly motivated & intensely interested in academic or creative pursuits – may undergo an apparently sudden radical shift, losing all interest in previous passions. This puts them in conflict with parents & teachers.

Forcing “undergrounders” to perform is never the answer, causing withdrawal, plummeting academic performance, or refusal to participate in gifted education, from a feeling of loyalty to their talents & peers – alienating them from adults who can help meet their needs & long-term goals.

• At home = There’s a tendency to push these children, to insist they continue the ‘special’ program no matter how they feel. However, what they actually need is to be accepted as they are at the time.
This includes emotional support, freedom to choose activities & time to spend with friends their own age. Ideally, parents should be role models of life-long learning.

Because these children feel insecure & anxious through their school years, unfortunately they often end up as insecure adults. So professional counseling is recommended early on.

Type IV: The At-Risk / Potential DropOuts
These gifted children are the angry with adults & with themselves, because the system has not met their needs for many years – perhaps not until high school. They feel rejected & may express anger by being depressed & withdrawn, or by acting out & responding defensively. Being neglected, they become bores, bitter & have very low self-esteem.

School is basically irrelevant for them. Type IV high school students, & occasionally elementary students, attend school sporadically, having basically “dropped out” emotionally & mentally, if not physically.

Type IV’s often have unusual interests outside the regular school curriculum, which they’ve never gotten support or validation for their talent & imagination. Clearly, traditional programming is not appropriate for Type IV’s.

Due to their uphill battle, dropout or at-risk children are usually identified later in their school careers, so may not use their gifts until well out of the school system – & with a great deal of struggle.

These students require the most sensitivity & patience. They may come from a culture or unstable home which discourages academic excellence or gifted education (especially for girls). Some may never have experienced support for basic educational goals, or their parents / caregivers might be completely uninterested in their schooling.

Family counseling is strongly recommended, & Type IVs given individual counseling. Diagnostic testing is also useful to identify possible areas for remediation. One type of help is for this teen to have a close working relationship with an adult they can trust.

NEXT: G & T Learning styles 5 & 6

Gifted Children – Types (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self-help

IT’S GREAT TO KNOW
the ways we’re unique

PREVIOUS: Gifted Children (Part 1)

SITEs: Intellectual Giftedness

◆ Cartoons re. Gifted kids

CATEGORIES of ‘Gifted & Talented’ (G&T)
IQ LEVELS -cOne way of identifying the G&Ts is Dr Ruf’s’ Estimates of Levels of Gifted CHART (w/ info) ⬇️, using IQs as an indicator.

All gifted children are not affected by their special abilities in the same way.
Giftedness can be identified on the differences in intellectual abilities, talents, or interests  – rather than in terms of behavior, emotions or needs.
EXP of categories : artistically gifted, creatively gifted, intellectually gifted, learning disabled gifted….

Annemarie Roeper, 1982 noted that emotions cannot be treated separately from intellectual awareness or physical development – they intertwine & influence each other. She proposed 5 types of gifted children based strictly on the ways they cope with emotions – child/adult, perfectionist, self-critic, winner-of-the-competition, & well-integrated. She focused on how the gifted experience & express feelings, & the coping styles they develop.

🤓 However, the following overall distinctions were proposed by George Betts Maureen Neihart (1988).

G&Ts by BEHAVIORAL STYLE
TYPE I: The Successful – 90%
They are the traditional understanding of gifted children: they’re good at school – academically high achiever, becoming perfectionists,  tend to be structured thinkers & usually have a high self-concept.

Generally well-adjusted goal-setters, they do well on the SAT/ACT & score high on IQ tests. After figuring out what “sells” at home & at school, these kids conform to the rules, are obedient in class, do homework without a lot of prompting, & get good grades.

They’ve learned the system – keen to earn approval from all adults, so are usually well liked & included in social groups. Being dependent on the system to function, they lack autonomy, & so are less imaginative & creative – but they can perform music or produce art projects, without showing much interest in composition or abstract thinking.
Unfortunately, these children might face jealousy from some peers from being “teacher’s pet.”

• At home = they need independence, freedom of choice, time for personal interests, & opportunity for risk-taking experiences.  However, if they’re in an ‘average’ environment, gradually some Type Is will become bored, & then use the system to get by with as little effort as possible. They’ll go through the motions & end up coasting or under-achieving in both grade school & college.

Gifted young adults who may underachieve in college & later adulthood come from this group. They haven’t acquired skills, concepts or attitudes needed for life-long learning. They’re well adjusted to society, but not well prepared for the ever-changing challenges of life.

Type II: The Challenging
Challenging & creative students are generally the opposite of the “successful” ones. Many school systems fail to identify these kids as special, even though they’re ‘divergently gifted’ (multi-talented), therefore highly creative.

They may have extraordinary creative gifts as graphic & fine artists, composers, fashion designers, photographers,  writers …. But it’s this very disposition that put them at odds with a traditional school system.

As non-conformists, & can come across as obstinate, tactless, or sarcastic – which doesn’t go over well with the adults.
Not being ‘seen’, they become rebellious – questioning authority & the system, challenging teachers in class. They’re impatient, too direct & competitive, often leading to conflict.

🗯 Frustrated because school doesn’t acknowledge their natural talents & acquired skills, they struggle with low self-esteem. This group is at risk of dropping out & getting involved in unhealthy activities, such as drugs & delinquency.

• At home = they need acceptance, understanding & advocacy from parents. Also family activities & examples of positive behavior
• Socially = some may find themselves excluded as ‘weird’, while others will earn peer approval & friendship because of their creativity & sense of humor

NOTE: Gifted children types I & VI (Successful & Autonomous) are usually easy to recognize and deal with. Their achievements cannot go unnoticed.
BUT the other four types (Challenging, Under-grounders, Double-labeled & Dropouts) require special attention. They should be recognized as early as possible, so parents can find out what’s needed to help these children thrive.

NEXT: Gifted Children Learning styles 3 & 4

Gifted Children – Types (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem, self-help , , , , , , ,

WE WANT TO UNDERSTAND
our child & help her/him blossom

PREVIOUS:
 Multiple Intellig. #3e

SITEs: “Characteristics & Behaviors of the Gifted” (excellent)

• 12 Lessons about GIFTED KIDS from MATILDA

BOOK: “The Drama of the Gifted Child”~ Alice Miller (Comments)

UNIQUENESS
Parents know that their children are different from each other – but not all are aware of it consciously. We can tell this by how differently they treat each child – because of birth order, gender, inborn characteristics, & the Type most like each parent.

Healthy: In reasonably functional homes parents notice & respond appropriately of the variations in their children’s personalities. While trying to be fair & balances, they form their relationships & type of guidance based on what’s best suited to each child’s style.

Unhealthy: Damaged parents don’t even try to be fair or balanced with their various children. Instead they ONLY use those existing differences in the service of the family dis-ease & their own sick personal needs – especially the very smart & perceptive children, who are either:

a. scapegoated in order to dis-empower them because their sensitivity & intelligence is a threat to maintaining the abusive structure, & so are systematically destroyed, OR
b. their strength & cleverness is used to take care of everyone else, while the child’s needs are neglected & negated. OR both.

ACoAs: Even though we are in fact quite smart – to have figured out how to survive so much chaos & cruelty – we don’t know who we are inside. So it’s not surprising that we seem oblivious to fundamental differences in the personalities of people we meet or live with. We act as if they are all the same – but more specifically – the same as us (symbiosis).

This is the crux of our emotional & psychological blindness: Our WIC narcissistically wants everyone to be a carbon copy of ourselves, as if that would validate us & give us permission to be ourselves. It’s the only way it thinks it can be safe.

▶︎ Studying the various Styles of children & adults allows us to distinguish ourselves from others, & be better able to interact with them based on who they are.

RECOVERY: But first we need to find our who we truly are (via our inventories, plus mirroring & validation from others) to get comfortable with ourselves, so that it’s OK to see who other people are, without it threatening us. Another irony – the more we can do that the safer we actually feel!

REVIEW: As listed in many other posts – there are a number of ways to find out who we are, such as: Al-anon, Dream Interpretation, Enneagram, Journaling,  Myers-Briggs Inventory, MMPI, Multiple Intelligences,  Personality tests, Prayer & Meditation, Psychotherapy, Numerology & Astrology, 2-handed Inner Child dialogues, Trauma Release body work…..

For ACoAs – all these tools are needed in various combinations in oder to form a rounded picture of our Inner Self, since we are complex beings and because our upbringing gave us a very distorted view of ourselves.

Re. very bright children – the next 2 posts list the categories drawn from many year of observation by George Betts & Maureen Neihart (Davidson Institute for Talent Development), based on Howard Gadner’s 1983 proposed Multiple Intelligences.

Re. this List (Part 2 & 3) : As with other kinds of descriptions, a child may be a combination of 2 or more, & their Type will develop with time as they grow. Healthy parents will want to stay aware of their gifted child’s progress, to keep up with changes needed to give practical help & emotional support.

NOTE: Some Gifted Children have hidden learning disabilities that often go undiscovered, fearing ridicule & the ignorance of others. Their cleverness allows G&Ts to compensate for problems in their early years. Untreated, eventually it becomes harder & harder for them to excel, which can lead to behavior problems, depression & giving up.

NEXT: Gifted Children (Part 2)

Gifted Children – LEARNING STYLES

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , ,

 PREVIOUS : ACoAs & Listening #4

SITEs: LIST of articles re. Learning Styles 

• When Bright Kids Become Disillusioned

• How Being A Gifted Kid Affects You As An Adult

TYPES of GIFTEDNESS
More than three-fifths of a person’s learning style is biologically imposed (Restak 1979, Thies 1979). According to Joseph Renzulli: “Gifted behavior occurs when there is an interaction among 3 basic clusters of human traits:
• Above-average general &/or specific abilities
 • High levels of task commitment (motivation)
• High levels of creativity 

EXP: Many gifted students find logical reasoning to be their preferred learning style, & for others linguistics may be (Language Arts & Math are not automatically synonymous – as if they’re gifted in one so they must be in the other)

👀 Visual learners learn best by comparing & contrasting modalities (a piece of lit to a video), or may do well in geometry…. Graphic organizers are a great resource for them

👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 Some enjoy working in groups where their leadership skills can be exposed and developed. Others prefer to work independently at their own pace
👍🏽 Some are hands-on kinesthetic learners – while others are auditory learners

The most prominent unique personal characteristics of the G&T are: being Critical, Persistent & Independent of thought & judgement. Studies conclude that there are at least 18 areas of sensitivity. (CHART by Dunn & Price)

Also see posts: “Adult Learning styles“

Existential – these thinkers are focused on issues too deep for other kids to understand, & may be prone to depression as they ponder the meaning of life. Careers involving philosophy & spirituality are a good fit

Kinesthetic – the kids who are highly skilled with their hands. As they develop control of their body, they may become hyperactive. Always on the move, these students must find physically active careers

Logical – those who excel in problem-solving & number manipulation. They may be easily frustrated with anything illogical. These students love to analyze everything, often becoming accountants or programmers

Verbal – masters of word manipulation, they can be quite persuasive. Their command of language gives then a love for storytelling, & a tendency to arguing. These students can have careers in marketing or politics

Visual – creating vivid mental pictures, these students thrive in the arts. Seeing the beauty in places where others may not, they can seem ‘overly’ emotional & dramatic. With imagination that never stops, these students make prime graphic designers.

In their BOOK “Teaching Gifted Students Through Independent Study,”  Johnsen & Goree recommend independent study as one of the most effective ways to differentiate and individualize (S & I) learning for the G&T, allowing those students to delve deeply into any topic of interest. (MORE..).

Rita Dunn, with colleagues, has done extensive research on all forms of learning styles. BOOK: How to Implement and Supervise a Learning Style Program, 1996
In Chp 1 Dunn writes that adolescents gifted in a particular area – athletics, dance, leadership, literature, music & math – have similar learning styles across 9 cultures.

Her work showed that most of those G&T students preferred to learn either by themselves or with an authoritative teacher, & only a few with classmates. Even in primary grades, gifted 1st & 2nd-graders got higher achievement & attitude test scores when allowed to learn in their preferred way. (See ‘Social’ in chart above).

Research also documented the influence of time-of-day energy patterns on achievement. Conventional school hours appear to be poorly time for the majority of G&T adolescents, because while a few learn well early in the morning, many more prefer late morning, afternoon, or evening for concentrating on challenging academic studies.

The Gifted Development Center, created by Dr. Linda Silverman 30 years ago, found two main learning profiles, based on brain hemisphere preference:
• Right side dominant are ‘Visual-Spatial’ Learners (VSL)
• Left side dominant are ‘Auditory-Sequential’ Learners (ASL) (MORE...)

Her validated research of children ages 9-13 showed that :
🌱 about 60% are mainly Visual-Spatial
🌱 33% are strongly Visual-Spatial
🌱 23% are strongly Auditory-Sequential
🌱 44% use both styles, with about 30% leaning toward VSL & 15% toward ASL.

QUIZ by Jade Ann Rivera, to help identify a child’s type + other info