ACoAs & CONFUSION – as Kids (Part 2c)

teaching congusionWHICH WAY DO I TURN?
They’re mixing me up! (# 4)

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#2b)

🖌️ Childhood CONFUSION : PARENTAL sources (2b)

(cont) OTHER sources
1. Being LIED to
a. about US
EXP: Sick little boy is dressed up, & some of this things put in a suitcase.
TOLD: “You’re going to a party & staying over for a while”.
REALITY: Child is taken to the hospital for procedure, dropped off & just left!

COMMON LIES parent lying
• You killed your mother (at birth)
• Your bad behavior caused your father’s drinking
• You can go play later – when all your work is done
• That therapist is bad for you / confusing you (tells you I hurt you)
• You’re a ‘bad seed’
• You’re father didn’t meant to hurt you/ he really loves you but doesn’t know how to show it….

4 yr. child bumps her head while playing under the dining table. She’s bleeding & goes crying to her mother. Mom (also a drunk) yells at her: “You’re not really hurt!. Go to your room.”

b. about THEM
EXP: A boy’s mother spent most of 20 yrs holed up in her bedroom.
TOLD: Mom is suffering from menopause. (She was in her early 30‘s).
TRUTH: She was either drunk, sleeping it off or hung over!
It was only many years later, as a young man, he learned that menopause usually comes much later in life & doesn’t last 20 yrs!

• I’ve never said that! / I didn’t mean the way that sounded (Yes you did!)
• I’m never wrong / I’m perfect
• We’ll go to a movie / beach…..this weekend (not)
• I’ve never done anything wrong to you
• I’ll pick you up after school – but never shows up, or always very late
• I’ll come to see you at the game / in the play…. (not)

EXP: Severe alcoholic father TOLD the same story for years – that he was in WW II, on the front lines, & participated in terrible events.
TRUTH: For the whole war he was a supply clerk, & was never in combat.

EXP: Mom pushed to stay with daughter Marcia on a visit for a week in another city. Marcia kept saying “Come, but you can’t stay here”.lying mother
TOLD: “But I’m coming to see you, I’m just low on money, I won’t get in your way….”.

Marcia felt bad for mom’s ‘poverty’ but couldn’t put her up in the tiny apartment. In spite of Marcia’s explanations, mom decided to spent the last night of her trip at daughter’s place, and then announced this ‘favor’ at the last minute without asking if it was OK.  Marcia felt she could handle that much, so agreed.

TRUTH: Mom brought along a BFF, stayed in a fancy hotel for the week AND between lunch visits with Marcia, went shopping – buying many expensive clothes & shoes – & then showing them off on that last evening! Poor????

c. about OTHERS in the family
EXP: Early Saturday a.m. child looks out front window & sees dad face down on the lawn. Terrified, child rushes to wake mom, screaming “Dad’s dead, dad’s dead!” Mom reluctantly comes down to see, looks out & says: “Oh, your dad just went camping last night”. REALLY??
TRUTH: Dad was out drinking – again – & passed out before he could get in the house. Child is confused. If this is camping, where’s the tent?

EXP: Family myth – Grandpa was a traveling salesman & died tragically in a train derailment
TRUTH: He was on a train, but merchandise wasn’t the only thing he was carrying. He was with one of many ‘girlfriends’, got into a drunken fight with her husbandeath bed lied & was killed. Not a good guy, & not tragic!

EXP: Selena is an only child of 2 severely alcoholic parents – who fought like 2 wet cats for 40 yrs. Dad dies of cirrhosis. A few years later, on her deathbed, Selena’s mom tells her: “Your dad was not your biological father”, & before she’s willing to say more, mom dies.
🔹There are no other relative to get info from, so to this day Selena still doesn’t know if her mom was lying or not!

NEXT: ACoAs & Confusion (#3a)

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